Chapter Text

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If you want me to leave 

Then tell me to leave and baby I'll go

It was July when they first met.

If first meetings were able to be celebrated as anniversaries, Katherine would be able to count on one hand the length of time in years since they’d declared themselves best friends. They were teenagers then - Katherine remembered coming home from highschool to immediately text Cathy and share the events of the day.

It was two months to July now. They were graduating soon. After that, Katherie wasn’t sure when she’d ever be able to see Cathy again. It was now or never. 

Or, more accurately, it was before graduation or never.

Better three hours too soon than a minute too late, after all. 

Katherine smirked to herself. Cathy really did love their Shakesphere quotes.

But Katherine being Katherine, she just couldn’t gather the nerves to ask. What she needed was a push - a push harsher than Mary’s half-hearted encouragements and Anne’s teasing.

It took her a few years, until Katherine finally received the push.

Fittingly, it happened in the library. It had become one of Katherine’s favourite places over time - though at that point, any place that was a favourite of Cathy’s was by default the best places to be. They’d been studying, steadily dedicating their time into preparing for finals,- when at a text from home, Cathy had to excuse themself. They packed their things and left, telling Katherine they’d see her in their shared apartment. After their freshmen year, the two friends had been given the option to live off campus, one they so graciously took. The dorms’ toilets weren’t winning any awards sometime soon, anyways.

“Still whipped, huh?”

Katherine’s head snapped up, immediately turning crimson at the implication. A girl, Anna, leaned back in the chair she occupied and grinned cheekily. She was the only other person that ever sat with Katherine and Cathy at the library, claiming that the various expressions they created as they poured over their books kept her from dozing off. Katherine often found herself wondering if she ever surrounded herself with any other company.

Katherine frantically shushed her, turning around to where Cathy was just stepping out the double doors. She relaxed and slumped in her seat once she was able to see that her best friend was nowhere within earshot. 

“Is it that obvious?” Katherine groaned. 

Anna smirked, steepling her fingers together and leaned forward onto her joined hands. “It’s always been glaringly obvious. I don’t even know how they haven’t noticed anything for so long.”

Katherine twirled her pen, humming thoughtfully.

“You’ve got it bad.” Anna added, actually looking serious, “And you’re running out of time.”

“What am I supposed to do, just step up and tell my best friend I love them, potentially diminishing our relationship in the process? I don’t even know how they feel about me.” Katherine groaned again, closing her book. She definitely wouldn’t be able to focus now. 

“They care about you, clearly.” The girl said, looking more amused by the minute, “Girlie, you should’ve made a move like, yesterday. Or two years ago.”

“Comforting.” Katherine deadpanned, the sarcasm evident in her voice.

Anna grinned impossibly wider. “Wasn’t trying to be.”

Katherine flicked her eraser towards the German. Anna leaned to one side, avoiding it expertly. The eraser tumbled a few feet away on the pristine library floor, abandoned for however long it may take for someone else to find it and add it into their stationary family.

Or the cleaners may come in and sweep it up into the trash. There were all too often more than one outcome to something that may seem so miniscule. 

Outcomes often aren’t as predictable as an abandoned eraser, however.

“I’m going to mess this up if I confess.” Katherine mumbled. 

“Maybe.” Anna shrugged unhelpfully. “Maybe not. Won’t know till you try, you know.”

“Will you help me?”

Anna snorted. “Nah, I’m only here for the tea .”

 - - - - - -

Katherine knocked on her own apartment door, a box of chocolates in her hands. Her hair was damp, having gotten caught in the rain on her walk back from the store.

After giving up on studying anymore after Anna planted the idea in her head, Katherine left the library to shop for something Cathy might like. Perhaps, she thought,- it may help smoothen any blows that were bound to come her way if she were to cover the wound with bandaids of chocolates. 

Cathy opened the door, confused to see that it was Katherine knocking. 

“You live here, Kit Kat.” They stated, looking at Katherine oddly. They looked Katherine up and down, slight concern in their features. “You’re drenched. Did you forget the key or something?”

“No, uh-” Katherine swallowed. “I have something to say.”

Cathy’s confusion didn’t waver, but they gestured for Katherine to come in regardless. 

Katherine didn’t say anything as Cathy picked up a bun from the mountain of bread on the two’s small dining table. They appeared to have been spreading butter on it when Katherine arrived, now picking up an already butter-smeared knife to drag across the bun. 

“I know you probably don’t feel the same way about me. But I need to tell you, just in case.”

Cathy turned to look at her, the same oblivious smile - an obliviousness Katherine was all too used to by this point - on her face. It hurts. Oh, how it hurts. Katherine could get run over by a train, over and over again, or fall off the tallest skyscraper, abysmally sinking through life for as long as it took to drop from the height of the Burj Khalifa. She could get stabbed or decapitated and still- the pain would not compare.

Mercy would be if she had not woken up that morning, or if she’d forgotten completely that Cathy existed in her life. She’d rather wake up with amnesia, forget that everything wonderful in her life for the past two years never happened. 

“Truth is, Cath-” Katherine inhaled deeply, “I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for so long. You’re my best friend, and I-” She exhaled, “I love you more than that.”

Cathy’s eyes widened. Their mouth fell open. The bun they held dropped from their grasp, rolling a few inches away from their feet before landing on its side. Fortunately, they had the thought to put down the knife before stepping away from the table.

They stepped forward, smiling gently as their hands each reached out to wrap the delicate fingers around Katherine’s upper arms. They held her there, effective in getting Katherine to look into Cathy’s eyes. For a brief moment, Katherine dared to hope. 

Until Cathy finally spoke.

“Kitty, I do love you. I love you too. But,”

They sighed. Cathy’s grip slackened. But they didn’t let go.

Maybe it was the way Cathy closed their eyes, squeezed so tightly shut they looked like they were in pain. Or perhaps it was just the way the thunder rumbled outside, the way the rain pelted hashly against the cold unforgiving earth.

Or maybe it was just the tears flowing out of those soft midnight irises when Cathy opened their eyes again.

Or maybe, just maybe, Katherine was simply destined to feel pain.

“You’re my best friend. I don't love you more than that. I-I’m… I’m so sorry, Kit.” 

Once again, in those dark eyes, Katherine was lost. 

She didn’t think she could ever come back from it this time.

You remind me every day

I'm not enough, but I still stay.