Chapter Text
Mikado waited Hiyakawa’s response with bated breath. His mind wasn’t coherent enough with the lack of sleep and he just wanted to prod the other to talk his worries out using a pathetic excuse of a rule because he knew Hiyakawa was always eager to learn more new things and rules that could benefit him.
“Have you ever flown on a plane, Mikado-kun?” Hiyakawa blurted out after a long silence.
‘Huh?’ that was unexpected, he thought.
“Yeah, twice…why?”
“When and to where?” Hiyakawa looked up at him while his hands still hugging Mikado’s waist.
“…to Sapporo, for school trip…then at Uni my study group went to Okinawa for a vacation.”
“What about overseas?”
“Nope…never, going overseas is expensive…” Mikado frowned, “Why? Are you going somewhere?”
Hiyakawa seemed hesitant and opted to hide his face on Mikado’s chest again.
“I’ve never even been to an airport before,” he said, voice muffled.
Mikado nudged the man-child’s head, “That’s fine, my mom’s never flown before either and she’s almost twice your age…you’ll get your chance in the future if you want.”
Hiyakawa went silent and Mikado continued to thread his hair.
Just when he thought the older man finally dozed off, he heard him mumble against his chest.
“Hm? what did you say?”
Hiyakawa stilled for a second before slowly easing himself out Mikado’s embrace and laid back on his own pillow, still facing the younger.
“Actually, that lawyer kept contacting me so I turned off my smartphone…and then he came knocking at the door…”
“What did he want?”
Hiyakawa frowned, “um…he said if I want to settle this I need to come with him because some of the documents and other legal procedures cannot be done here…”
“To Germany?”
The other man nodded.
“What, do they need to do DNA test or something like that?” asked Mikado, “Like…you know, to prove that you’re really that man’s son?”
“Mn, it was one of the things mentioned, though he said it’s more of a formality. But that’s not all…he also said that I had to meet the man’s family.” Hiyakawa looked pensive then suddenly scoffed, “isn’t it funny, Mikado-kun? I was fatherless my whole life and then suddenly a dead man claimed to be my father…it’s like one of those dramas you see on TV…” he glanced up to the younger, “Oh! maybe if Mikado-kun goes there with me, you can show me what he looks like as a ghost!”
Mikado stared at him perplexed. Despite smiling, he could feel ice oozing from Hiyakawa’s faux cheerfulness.
Mikado sat up and turned the nightstand lamp on before leaning his back on the headboard.
“Does that mean…you already agreed to go?”
Hiyakawa shook his head, “I haven’t said yes…but If I really have to go, then…can you go with me?”
“…what do you mean by ‘have to’?” he stared at the older man closely, “Hiyakawa-san, you do understand that you were given a choice here, right? No one is forcing you to claim those things he left behind for you if you think you don’t need it…”
“So, do you think I should not take it?”
“That’s not what I’m saying…if you think it’s too much of a hassle to go there and do all this stuff then just reject it.”
Hiyakawa didn’t respond. He just abruptly woke up and sat at the edge of the bed, giving Mikado only the view of his back.
“What did Hanzawa-san say about it?” he asked after a while.
“Huh? Hanzawa-san?” what does Hanzawa-san have anything to do with this?
“Ugh…well, Hanzawa-san did say it’s the least your...your parents can do for you. I mean, um…he did say that it probably can help you a little moving forward? And uh…haha!” Mikado couldn’t hold the chuckle, “he-he said it’s much easier than you keep buying lotteries…he’s worried you’ll get swindled one of these days...”
Hiyakawa just kept silent. Surely he didn’t find anything funny with it.
“But…um, Hiyakawa-san, this isn’t about Hanzawa-san or me, this is all about you…wh—you’re not one to hesitate like this usually, so what’s the matter?”
Hiyakawa sighed wryly, “Didn’t you say back then that we should try expanding our business?” he said, “putting advertisements costs a lot, I can’t afford those now and easy money like this might not ever come again.”
“I did say that, but that was something I said for us to think in the future…” Mikado felt uneasy. How was it that Hiyakawa seem to record every single thing he said? even those he threw out without much thoughts…
“I mean, you should only ask yourself, are you really okay with all this? Meeting those people?” Mikado continued.
He could see even in the dim light Hiyakawa’s posture stiffened for a second before slumping.
“I don’t want to have anything to do with them…” he whispered eventually.
“Then that’s all that matters.” Mikado approached him and patted the other’s back, “Text that lawyer tomorrow that you didn’t want to go there.”
“But…what if that could actually help our business? I can probably sell the assets he left for me…” Hiyakawa tilted his head slightly towards him, “Mikado-kun, do you think we can keep running the business this way even when we get older?”
Mikado was left speechless. What would Hiyakawa want him to say?
“If…if you ask me like that suddenly, then I don’t know…but, shouldn’t we just do the best we can at work for now? It’s not worth worrying over the future…especially if…facing this whole legacy thing would only hurt you even more.”
Hiyakawa shook his head, “I’ve been thinking that I don’t want you to keep doing two jobs because sometimes you look very tired…but, sometimes we don’t even get any cases for a whole week…”
“Hey, I’m fine, Hiyakawa-san, you don’t have to worry about me—”
“When I think about, what I’d do in the future…” Hiyakawa continued as if he didn’t hear him at all, “what if everything stayed the same and I couldn’t do this anymore…or if you got a better job offer somewhere else? then Mikado-kun, you would…I don’t have any other skills and this job is all I have left that makes you stay—”
“Hey, hold up a second.” Mikado tried to grab the other’s shoulder but Hiyakawa shrugged him off. “Look at me, Hiyakawa-san, please…”
“This isn’t all just about your father, isn’t it?” Mikado continued when Hiyakawa kept facing away. “What is it? Hiyakawa-san, please…I won’t understand unless you explain—”
“I hate that name…I knew I’ve always hated that name since I got out of that place,” Hiyakawa gritted out. “But there’s nothing I can do about it now.”
“What? What do you mean?”
“It wasn’t my birth name but that woman gave it to me. It’s the same as hers and no matter what I did it wouldn’t change the fact that I’m tied to her forever.” Hiyakawa kept on muttering by himself.
“W-wait a minute, why are you—” Mikado tried to reach him again but stopped when he saw the older man’s trembling a bit.
“When I was little I wanted to change my surname so much…because I felt disgusted…but I didn’t know how to do that,” he continued, “And after my coming-of-age ceremony, Hanzawa-san started calling me that way so there was nothing I could do anymore…”
Mikado didn’t say anything.
It felt like the dam had finally started to break…
And the best thing was to let the other vent it all out, so he waited.
“Actually I’ve started to forget what that woman looked like…but you know what that lawyer said when he first saw me, Mikado-kun?” Hiyakawa scoffed, frustration apparent in his voice. “He said that I’m a spitting image of her and then showed me her photograph. She looked much younger than what I remember…was holding a baby and beside her was a man that’s supposed to be my father.
Mikado felt the pang in his chest.
“He said that they both were highly educated and well-respected…” Hiyakawa muttered. “that means they were smart people, weren’t they? They weren’t reckless people…You have to be smart to enter University…”
“I’m…they—they seemed to be…”Mikado hesitantly responded.
“Then why did they have a child if they were just going to give me up that easily? It must’ve been because they could tell I’m not normal, didn’t they?”
“No...it’s not your fault, it’s their fault—,”Mikado tried to stop the spiraling down, it was like Hiyakawa wasn’t there anymore, too wrapped up on his own self-hate barrier.
“that I’d bring them trouble one day…”
“That’ not it…Hiyakaw—”
The older man covered his ears and curled up on himself yet still muttering to himself.
“It’s because they knew I’d grew up to be a murdere—”
“Stop, stop it! RIHITO!!” Mikado couldn’t take it anymore. He used force to shake the other, pulling him back and turning him around. “Listen, stop this right no—look at me.” He grabbed Hiyakawa’s face and forced him to look up. “Rihito, LOOK AT ME!”
The sound of his birth name coming from Mikado’s mouth had an immediate effect. He looked up at the younger man, shocked and wide-eyed, yet still unfocused.
“Listen to me, it was never your fault that they left you, you are NOT a murderer!” he gritted out. “Don’t even think about blaming yourself. They have wronged you, not the other way around.”
“But—”
“There was nothing else tying you down with her. She’s long gone. She no longer has control over you, not over what you are right now or what you’d become in the future.”
“You don’t understand, Mikado-kun, your mother…” Hiyakawa stopped himself.
“My mother raised me even till today, it’s why I took after her…but you, your mother gave you up, she didn’t raise you…she didn’t make you who you are right now. You are your own person.”
Hiyakawa stubbornly shook his head.
“Why—you don’t believe what I said?”
Hiyakawa’s lips tightened and frowned at him, “I believe you, but I’m not like you, Mikado-kun, our situation is different, you don’t understand…”
Mikado let out a long, deep breath. The words actually stung.
“What makes you think I don’t understand…have you forgotten who my father is?” he whispered. “By your logic, does that mean you’re thinking that I’m also a crook and murderer like him just because I’m his son?”
It finally seemed to slap some sense into Hiyakawa.
“I—no…that’s not—” Hiyakawa hastily grabbed his wrists, “I didn’t mean it that way, I would never think of you that way!”
“Then why can’t you believe the same for yourself?” Mikado slowly eased the other’s grip and interlaced their fingers. “You have come this far because you fight for it yourself, don’t let her shadow drag you down again.”
“Hiyakaw—I mean…If…you hate that name ‘cause it’s the same as hers, then I’d call you R-Rihito from now on too, if you want…” Mikado swallowed harshly, “but that’s just the name on paper, it can’t determine who you are…she didn’t have any influence in who you have become now.”
He observed the older man. At least Hiyakawa didn’t seem to mind about his calling him by his first name.
“But it doesn’t change the fact what I did in the past…” Hiyakawa said after a while, gazing up at him and searching for the answer, “that I still turned out bad, right?”
“…what?”
“I’m not a good person like you, Mikado-kun, no matter what I do I still can’t be good…I hurt people, I hurt you and I keep making you angry even when I didn’t mean to.”
“…”
“I know that I’m not normal…and sometimes it’s really hard for me to understand people.” It was faint but Mikado could hear the tremor in Hiyakawa’s voice. “Most of the time, I c-can’t even tell why you’re upset with me so I don’t know how to make it better…”
“It’s not…it’s not something that can’t be fixed…I mean, I should not just assume you can always read between the lines…and um…” Mikado wasn’t sure what to say next…Honestly, he really didn’t know how to handle this self-recriminating Hiyakawa.
“Hiyakaw—Ri-Rihito-san…” Mikado tried to ignore the tightening in his chest, “what is it that you’re actually trying to say?”
Hiyakawa closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. His face looked in so much pain.
But when he opened his eyes again, the hesitation that was there before had now gone. He took the younger’s palm and wrapped it within his hands.
“You asked me before to figure out what I want and I did…Mikado-kun…actually, I don’t want to just work with you…I want to do more things with you and be with you for as long as I could…”
Mikado’s breath hitched.
“…but just like how I should not let the memories of my mother drag me down,” Hiyakawa continued as if he didn’t just stun the younger with his sudden honesty, “I should not tie your goodness down with my filthiness, even if that’s all in the past, it’d always be part of me—”
“Hold on—”
“I’m worried Mikado-kun, that one day I’d lose control and hurt you like I did to those people, I just…when I think that it could happen to you too, it’s…it’s hard for me to breath—” Hiyakawa paused, “It…would’ve been much easier if I were just like a normal people my age but I can’t…and I- I don’t want to you to suffer with me—”
“But I don’t want to be with anyone else, the one I want to be with is you!” Mikado exclaimed, “do you not remember what I said back in that white room? I chose to stay because I want to be beside you, not because of this work!”
“Even if…one day you found another assistant and don’t want me to work for you anymore—” he paused seeing Hiyakawa vehemently shook his head, “I’m just saying if! If that happened then I’d still want us to be together, Rihito-san, just like you…I want to do more things with you too…more than just working and eating together…”
He waited until the words sink in Hiyakawa.
The other opened his mouth slightly yet he paused as if suppressing the words that had leapt to his tongue. His hands, still holding Mikado’s fist, clenched and unclenched.
“But…” he began after a long, pregnant silence, “It’s difficult being with me, isn’t it?” he breathed, “I always end up making you sad and worried…you’d feel happier with someone else more—”
“I don’t care about ‘someone else’! why would I feel happier being with ‘someone else’ when the one I like is right in front of me??” Mikado had enough, he cradled the other’s neck and stared directly into his eyes.
“The one I like...is you, Hiyakawa Rihito,” he enunciated each name strongly, “I don’t care what you did in the past or who your parents are…all I know and care about is the man in front of me. The current ‘you’. The one who makes me happy and feel safe…is you. You’re the first person who’d ever made me feel like this…”
Hiyakawa sucked in his breath, mouth agape and looking shocked, yet he didn’t shake him off.
“I used to think that I only liked women, but…you, being with you makes me realize that all this time I’ve never liked someone else beyond admiration…other than my mother, you’re the only one I can feel safe being around and I wouldn’t want to change that with anything else…”
“If you can’t believe in yourself, then at least believe me when I said that you’re a good man, Rihito-san. Because I know for a fact that you’d never try to hurt me and I’ve never felt threatened by you even when you get angry at me.”
Hiyakawa still didn’t say anything, so he continued, “If you’re worried about us fighting, then just understand that whenever we fought then we were both to blame…and I can’t promise you that we’d never fight in the future, it’s inevitable whenever two people are together. Even I fought with my mother sometimes, too.”
“But as long as we communicate and want to forgive each other then we can work it out together, right? Like we’ve always done…I’m not going to say that everything will be easy, I mean I’ve never been with someone too…but a relationship can last only when we both want to work for it. So you see…it’s not just you…we need to learn it together.”
When Hiyakawa still did nothing but stare at him, Mikado belatedly realized the implication of his impulsive and bold declaration. The brief bravery he felt gradually turned into a potent embarrassment.
He could sense the flush rapidly crept on his face
“H-hey, say something will yo—” he stopped the moment Hiyakawa took his hand that was holding the older’s neck, turned his palm out, and slowly kissed it before rubbing his cheek on it. He didn’t stop at just one but trailed his lips from Mikado’s palm to his wrist.
“Um..?!” Mikado felt his brain short-circuited and couldn’t utter a single word. If Mikado hadn’t blushed before he surely had steam off his face right now. More from the intensity of the older man’s reverent yet strangely heated gaze directed at him than the act of kissing itself.
“I like you too, Mikado-kun…” Hiyakawa said in between kissing, his lips had now reached the inside of his forearm, “I love you…”
Mikado felt the rising flutter inside his chest.
“If…if you’re sure about this—about us, then….”Hiyakawa started, but paused again.
“I have never been more sure in my life,” Mikado said firmly, finally finding his voice again despite his thundering heartbeat sounding even louder to his own ears.
Hiyakawa slightly nodded and lifted his head, staring straight at him. “Then I would…I promise you I’d try my best too.”
Hiyakawa then put a hand on Mikado’s cheek, before slowly caressing it. His darkened, intense gaze never left the younger’s eyes.
At the moment, it was as if Hiyakawa’s own golden amber eyes were an abyss of infinite gravity into which Mikado tipped and tripped and fell.
And as sudden as the blizzard outside their window, the next thing he knew they met each other halfway and their lips crushed in a breathless whisper.
The first brush of lips was a rumble of thunder through Mikado’s bones, settling deep and low. Hiyakawa’s lips were warm and dry, the plush softness of them feeling so good slotted perfectly against his own lips. It was a slow and sweet kiss and spoke of their inexperience, yet firm and unhesitant at the same time.
The pressure was light, as tender as it was grounding, neither passionate nor capricious. Hiyakawa caught the younger’s gasp in his mouth and pressed forward again, his thumb brushed the lashes of one of Mikado’s closed eyes.
The older man jolted a fraction when Mikado’s lips part minutely against his. Without losing a moment, Hiyakawa ran his tongue along the parted seam of the other’s mouth, awaiting an invitation, and it came when a soft, wet tongue pushed lightly against his. They explored, tentative and shy, each moment of contact lingering longer than the last.
The gliding of their mouth against each other, equal parts helpless and reverent, soon started picking up pace and turning passionate and desperate, alternating between the sucking of tongues, the nibbling of lips, and the racing of their hearts.
The world had suddenly seemed to shrink down to just the both of them.
The clamorous blizzard outside muted, the chill air surrounding them had dispersed and the warmth engulfed them both in a bubble, where only the sensation of their kissing and their breaths against each other can be felt.
When the lack of oxygen finally became unable to be ignored, they both reluctantly pulled apart from each other. And that was when Mikado realized they had lied back down on the bed with him on top of Hiyakawa.
Still panting and blushing hard, he quickly hid his face in the crook of the other’s neck. He could feel the harsh thumping of Hiyakawa’s heart underneath him and his arms wrapping Mikado in an embrace, one on his waist, the other cradling his neck.
For a while, nobody said anything. Both of them focused on regaining their breaths back while clinging to each other, still unable to part.
“I di-didn’t think… the first kiss…s-should be that intense,” Mikado stuttered between panting. Hiyakawa only responded by tightening his arms around him.
“Does that feel good?” Mikado shyly asked.
Hiyakawa let out a soft sound of affirmation and nodded against his cheek. The older man then began nuzzling his neck and resting his forehead against his shoulder. Soon, Mikado felt the body beneath him tremble and his shoulder got damp.
On reflex, he pushed himself up from the other and was welcomed with the sight of Hiyakawa biting his own lips, struggling hard to hold back his sob.
“Wh—are you crying??” he was dumbfounded. Hiyakawa seemed fine just a few seconds ago.
‘D-did I bite him or something?’
Hiyakawa shook his head, as if he could hear Mikado’s inner conflict, yet didn’t answer. His tears still ran freely, leaving glinting tracks on his cheeks and a wet stain on the pillow.
Mikado tentatively brushed his thumb against the bitten lips, nudging him to let go, “Hiya—um, Rihito-san, just don’t hold back, you’ll hurt your lips this way…it’s not like I haven’t seen you cried before…”
Hiyakawa finally opened his lips and let out a choked sob.
“Why…what is it?”Mikado prodded softly.
“I don’t know…my tears won’t stop,” he breathed between the sobs and hastily tried to sweep his tears away to no avail. “It just feels…everything feels—overwhelming, like my chest feels very full…”
“Does it still feel hard to breathe?”
Hiyakawa shook his head again, “I feel very relieved…like a clog suddenly get lifted?” He took a deep breath and let out a shaky exhale, “Is this what happiness feels like?”
Mikado smiled solemnly, unable to contain the rush of affection he felt for the other running through his veins.
It felt very nice, to know you were wanted and cherished like this. That your own existence could bring happiness to someone you care about.
He swept away the tears from the other’s cheek and pecked it lightly, “Then I’m glad…remember when you said, that you feel empty in here?” he held the other’s gaze and put his palm on Hiyakawa’s chest, “isn’t this a good thing then?”
Hiyakawa nodded, his trembling had stopped and his sobs lessened, “Thank you very much—Ko, can I, too, call you Kousuke from now on?”
Mikado chuckled and leaned their foreheads together, “Go ahead, but for now…let’s keep this only when we’re alone, okay? Let’s not surprise our clients too much.”
“Mn..okay…” Hiyakawa then cupped his face, “Kousuke…Kousuke..” he chanted, as if savoring how the name sounded from his mouth, “I feel so embarrassed right now…”
“You think I’m not?!” he punched the other’s shoulder lightly.
“But…I also feel very lucky right now…like I’ve just won the biggest lottery.”
Mikado giggled, “and I’m the lottery?”
“Yes.”
Mikado burst out laughing and laid back on the warm body beneath him. “Have you ever won any before?”
“Nope.” He answered flatly.
“Then you should know, this one you’ve won is a special one, the winner gets 1 ticket for a domestic trip with me to wherever the winner wants.”
“Really??” Hiyakawa’s response was full of hope.
“Yup, when we get the chance…let’s go on a trip together…we still can go to Kanagawa this weekend, but let’s also plan for somewhere far away…is there anywhere you’ve always wanted to visit?”
Hiyakawa mused, seemingly giving it a very serious thought.
“Hmm…I have never seen the sea other than from pictures…there’s this commercial recently, Seto Inland Sea? It’s very beautiful and we can ride a ferry!” the older man exclaimed enthusiastically.
“It’s indeed very far,” Mikado chuckled and climbed down the other’s body, settling back on his own pillow.
“It’s no good?” asked Hiyakawa, lying on his side so they were facing each other, his arm still circling the younger’s waist.
“It’s good, I’ve always wanted to go to Kagawa as well so it’s gonna be exciting and maybe…there I can learn how to make tastier udon so you don’t leave any like before.” He flicked the older man’s forehead in jest.
“I wasn’t hungry before,” he pouted while rubbing his reddening forehead, “but now I suddenly feel like eating it…”
“I’ll make you another one in the morning.”
“Mn!” he nodded.
“Oh, when we’re in Kagawa, let’s go to Shodo Island as well, you know about the story, Kousuke?” Hiyakawa’s childish glee suddenly came back, “If a couple walk down Angel’s Road hand-in-hand then they’ll be together forever, so let’s do that when we’re there!”
Mikado skipped a heartbeat. It was always at times when Hiyakawa was like this, unaware of the effect his casual words and actions brought to him, that he became really ‘dangerous’ to his heart.
Jeez…Mikado didn’t want their first moment to become a tear-jerking show but his eyes had suspiciously started to burn as well.
He weakly attempted to hide it by playing it cool.
“For someone of your calibre, Rihito-san, you’re strangely superstitious, you know that?”
“If there’s a lot of people talking about it then there must’ve been some degree of proof, right?” He pulled Mikado closer, “Besides, you said relationship takes works, so let’s just try every possible means.”
“Alright, but this one would be like cheating then—”
“Does Kousuke’s lottery only come with a trip ticket?” he interrupted randomly.
“What?”
“It’s a special one, right? there must’ve been an extra, so…can I get another kiss?”
“You…” Mikado shook his head in fond amusement and proceeded to peck the other’s lips. Hiyakawa tilted his head up and swiftly chased the younger’s mouth, latching on and moving their lips in tandem, matching each other’s pace and sinking into another bone-melting kiss.
They languidly made out for what felt like forever, until Mikado’s lips felt bruised and sensitive and Hiyakawa’s hands started roaming his body. They paused so they could catch their breaths, Mikado panting lightly into the older man’s neck. It felt like if they continued, things would only escalate dangerously so he turned to just cuddle the other, locking their fingers together and making sure to rest them somewhere safe between the both of them.
“Let’s…stop for now and go to sleep for real, we can continue in the morning…” Mikado said, feeling his own eyelids getting heavier.
“Mn…” Hiyakawa assented, voice thick with sleep.
Mikado then rested his head on the other's chest, feeling drowsier and cozier with each rise and fall of Hiyakawa's breathing, before sinking further into the cocoon of his partner's arms.
"Good night, Rihito-san..."
"Good night, Kousuke..."
The last thing Mikado felt before closing his eyes was the soft kiss on his forehead which warmth lingered and brought a smile into his dreamless night.
And just like that, they went through their first blizzard, safe and sound, nestled within each other’s embrace and the bright promises of the future together.
From now on we'll laugh together until the end
This way the night will turn to daylight
And we'll have a dream together
~2 days later~
Hanzawa Hiroki-san
Today
Hanzawa-san, I apologize for being rude the past few days.
I’m fine now, so you don’t have to worry.
Mikado is staying here until his mother comes home,
so we work from my place until the weather’s getting better.
14.30
Straightforward as ever, huh?
Well..as long as you’re fine
Get along you two and don’t argue for every little thing
14.32
Yes.
If you have free time tomorrow please stop by for dinner.
Mikado will be cooking.
And I would like to talk to you.
14.34
Would love that
Been craving the kid’s cook since after Christmas
I’ll come by around 7
Hope the weather’s cleared up by then
14.36
Okay.
14.36
Rihito…
I apologize too, for all that happened lately
From now on,
I promise I’ll tell you everything you wanna know
14.40
Okay.
Thank you very much, Hanzawa-san
For everything.
14.45