Chapter Text
Kakashi couldn't breathe.
The scent of ozone assaulted his nose, the smell of iron, of blood. Kakashi could feel as her body stopped functioning, as the light left her eyes, it was impossible not to this close even if he wasn't in the best condition to sense anything.
He had killed her.
Rin had smiled. Kakashi couldn't breathe. But he had to, the enemies were still there, he couldn't afford to faint here, he had to protect-protect what? The very thing he wanted to protect, promised to, was dead by his own hands.
Kakashi fainted.
(He wasn't aware if it was the Chakra exhaustion, his emotional state, or a mix of both. Regardless, he didn't think he would have cared if he hadn't survived at that moment.)
Surprisingly, when Kakashi came to, no light attacked his shut eyelids. Even then, the reality of what happened (what he had done) hit him full force.
He didn't open his eyes for a while. He didn't want to. He didn't want to face this broken world, didn't want to do so as Rin's murderer. Rin wasn't supposed to die. If anyone was going to die, he would have preferred it be himself, not her. The world needed Rin's kindness more than it did Kakashi's power.
Rin was supposed to live, not him.
(His father was supposed to, Obito was supposed to-)
Once or twice is a coincidence, but a third was not, or so the civilians said. Kakashi is a failure.
"Hey Kakashi."
Kakashi's breath hitched momentarily. When had Minato-sensei gotten in here? Had he been there since he was asleep or had he been so caught up in his own thoughts he hadn't noticed him enter?
Regardless, he had slipped by without alerting Kakashi to him. One of the only things he was good at and he had still failed in that. Even a civilian would have noticed. But really, what more could he expect of himself?
Minato-sensei being here actually explained the dimmed lights and muted scents, as he'd try to help as much as he could with the environment. Kakashi had higher senses than regular people. Convenient for his profession, not so convenient for his daily life of being assaulted with smells that wanted to make him vomit. It was one of the reasons why he wore his mask.
Much like when Obito had died, Kakashi refused to say a single thing, but pretended to sleep instead of facing the wall. He fooled no one, but that didn't mean he was going to stop.
He could sense a slight shift in the air current. Minato drawing closer?
The Namikaze didn't seem to expect Kakashi to respond, as he hadn't continued waiting for him to do so. Kakashi knew he was disappointed. That he was like this, again. Maybe if Kakashi was bad enough Minato-sensei would stop caring for him.
"I'm supposed to try and get what happened out of you. After you sent your summon in for backup."
That made Kakashi tense up. He wasn't ready for that. The memory was too raw, blood heavy on his hand, weighed down by a body hanging off of it, iron mixed with ozone stuck in his nose. He didn't want to. But Kakashi was a good shinobi, shinobi weren't supposed to let emotions affect them-
"But... I'm not going to, not for now. For one thing, I think the nurses would kill me if I delayed a patients healing process. They don't really like you all that much either, so they seem eager to get you out of their hospital. I wonder why."
Kakashi wouldn't deem that with an answer, like he had with everything else. He knew the exact reason. They'd hated his father for the same one. If they both hadn't been so useful (and his father having actual manners, Kakashi hated everyone equally) they would have killed them in their sleep and claimed that the Chakra exhaustion or their injury got them.
No one would be fooled but they wouldn't want to cross them. No one wanted to be on their hitlist. His father had been the top target in both their hitlist and blacklist. He barely gathered enough brownie points to survive. It was weird, how much they hated them yet let them be.
Kakashi wasn't complaining.
"Still, I'm not going to ignore what happened. How..."
The not quite question yet hung in the air, obvious to the two in the room.
(Kakashi couldn't breathe.)
".. Nevermind. You have till next week before the report is needed, I can't extend it for longer. I did the best I could but I want answers too."
Kakashi understood that need and he would oblige, but he didn't want to do so at the moment. He wanted to pretend like the world didn't exist for a bit longer. That this was all a nightmare and he'd wake up soon.
(Had been hoping for it to truly be that ever since he had seen his fathers corpse.)
Minato-sensei hadn't stayed for long after that, having to deal with his own duties. He wasn't the one being put on probation because of a faulty mission or injury after all.
Kakashi was able to enjoy his peace for a total of twenty three hours after that, which he heavily appreciated. He was honestly surprised the hospital staff had held him back for that long.
"-my daily quota has finally reached one thousand six hundred and seventy two just a day ago, and I lost a challenge against my father-it was expected, he's so youthful after all!-so I ran around the village one thousand times in a handstand as punishment, but I missed the last round!"
Kakashi sweat dropped. With how much Gai cried 'youthful tears' with all he had relayed of his daily life when Kakashi hadn't been present, he was surprised the room wasn't flooded yet.
"But he forgave me! Such a youthful heart!"
And there was the weird genjutsu. No sunsets this time, just a light. It burned Kakashi's eye. The fuck.
"That's nice and all, but why are you here? More specifically, go bother someone else. Then you'd gain a friend and leave me alone, like I deserve."
(I don't want to curse you.)
Naturally, Kakashi didn't actually voice all of that. He'd stopped after his question. No need to make anyone concerned, they'd leave him out of duty longer. He couldn't afford that, not when it was the only thing he was useful for.
"Eh?"
Gai tilted his head, looking as confused as Kakashi felt, but then just gave one of his usual smiles.
"Because I want to talk you, dear eternal rival! Isn't that what rivals are for!?"
"You're thinking of friends. Rivals are just people you try to best."
"Ehhhhhhh?!?"
Kakashi snorted at the look on Gai's face. Did he really just come to that realization? It was pretty obvious. He looked like one of Kakashi's puppies when they were denied a snack. Ah, he went back to being determined. What is it this time?
"This won't do at all! Eternal rival, become my friend!"
What.
"B-but, can you be my friend and rival?... Well, I swear on my youth that I, Might Gai, will ensure we stay both! So you have no need to worry, dear rival!"
Kakashi felt a burst of warmth as he watched the thumbs up and stupid sunset background, but it was quickly squished by a wave of guilt. His hands felt heavy.
("YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS! YOU BROKE YOUR PROMISE! YOU KILLED HER!"
His eye burned, only it wasn't his, was never his-)
"Get out."
"What?"
"Get out."
"Rival? Did I say something that upset you? If so, I apologize for it.....Kakashi? You don't... look well."
"GET OUT!"
Gai flinched, causing Kakashi to feel slightly guilty over that. His face must have twisted into a pretty bad expression if it caused Gai to flinch, even if he had raised his voice.
Still, Gai stayed hesitantly for a moment, looking concerned before he left.
(Everyone should stop looking at him with such warm eyes!)
The moment he was out, Kakashi ripped the tubes in his arm out, rushing to the bathroom. He furiously scrubbed away at the blood. Scalding hot water burned his hands, but he didn't care, because the stain would not come off, it'd never come off.
Kakashi couldn't breathe.
Gai visited for brief periods after that and Kakashi made sure to chase him away every time. It was surprising how short yet long one week could feel.
He was pretty sure the hospital staff were getting used to seeing him with torn skin, on his hands specifically.
Minato-sensei had quietly entered the room, dragging a chair to Kakashi's bedside. The look in his eyes suggested that he wasn't speaking to his sensei now but his superior. And so, Kakashi took a deep breath and prepared to break his heart and set the stage for his own hell.
It wasn't long after that that Kakashi was discharged from the hospital with a warning to take no missions for the following week. Once again, the Konoha rumor mill proved its effectiveness if the gazes on his back were any indication.
"... Did you hear?..."
"... Of course I did! By this point, even my grandma's cat knows!..."
"... I thought your grandma's cat got information before you did-"
"Not the point Uta."
"Right, back on track. I heard they only got the report yesterday but the one who handled it let slip about it after getting piss drunk at the bar that night. The fourth Hokage was furious with him."
"Doesn't erase what already happened. Friend killer seems like an appropriate title for him."
"To think that both of his teammates died 'for' him now. It makes you doubt if he was gifted that sharingan or just stole it. His father, then his two teammates. Hopefully it doesn't extend to his Sensei."
"Right, it's like bad luck just follows him around. It's better to just avoid him."
It stung Kakashi, but he couldn't help thinking they were right. Fate seemed to despise him, making him dance on its palm into a slow decent into madness, ripping away pieces of his soul till only rage would exist. He didn't want that to happen, he wanted to protect the world they believed in, but he wondered if he'd truly be able to do that.
Still, he'd try. For the blood that coated his hands, for the void in his head.
Minato really really hoped he wasn't making a bad decision.
"Join Anbu."
"What?"
(And so, Kakashi bathed in shadow, unleashed his rage at the unfair world in a way that'd benefit his image of the perfect one. He'd willingly bloody his hands if it meant getting closer to a world in where everyone he loved would('ve been) be able to live to an old age, peacefully and happily.)