Chapter Text
It’s been over a year since Yuuri visited home.
It was really hard, at first. Not knowing when he could come back and not having the skating season to distract him from it. Most of all, fearing the looks of pity that seemed to follow him wherever he went. His injury was something of a national tragedy, after all.
Now that he’s finally returned to Hasetsu, he feels those emotions in full force. He’s really, really missed his family.
From the moment they landed, he was glad that he summoned the courage to ask about going home so quickly. Initially, he planned to wait a week or so to bridge the topic, but after Victor had promised to be there for him however he needed it, Yuuri waited a meager four hours to ask.
It was just after one a.m. when Yuuri felt like his heart would burst and not at all in a good way, he pulled himself out of Victor’s arms and swung his legs over the side of the bed, intending to get something to eat, because that usually helped. And then he thought of his mother’s cooking and how much he’d rather have one of her home-cooked meals because nothing he made tasted the same, and—
“What is it, love?” Victor, barely awake, had stirred from sleep from the movement and blindly reaches out for him. Hearing his voice sends Yuuri over the edge, and he bursts into tears, blurting, “I’m sorry, I just really want to go home. I miss my family.”
Victor blinked at him in the dark for about ten seconds before grabbing his phone from the wireless charger to search for the soonest flights, and they were back in Japan before Yuuri knew it.
As they wait for a train to Hasetsu, Yuuri finds himself scrolling through tweets about himself. People are starting to wonder why he disappeared yet again after just one day of practice. Another injury? Illness? It didn’t look good. His silence looks worse. He comes across a video of his final performance, fingers gripping tighter around his phone as the video creeps towards the moment the injury occurred, when—
“It’s nice to be back, isn’t it?” Victor asks suddenly. His expression is hopeful; he's watching Yuuri for some sort of reassurance that he's feeling better. “It’s a lot warmer, anyway.”
“Mm.” The video ends before his injury. Yuuri was kind of hoping it wouldn't.
“Most of all, I’m looking forward to a dip in the hot springs.”
Yuuri is actually looking forward to his family distracting Victor so he can go hide someplace for a while to hopefully reflect. Maybe he’ll come to some sort of consensus. Although he’s still feeling anxious, being here is somewhat of a relief. It’s not as busy and due to the time of day, no one is around to notice them arriving. That in itself is the biggest relief, as the last thing he needs is an article about his return to Japan and the potential theories to follow. Oh god , the theories to follow…
“Yuuri?”
“I think I’m going to take a social media detox while we’re here. You should too.” Yuuri says, immediately powering off his phone.
“I don’t get a signal here anyway,” Victor replies. “Now, that’ll be nice. No calls from the Russian team, my parents, car warranty renewals…”
“Yeah. Definitely."
And Victor just watches him, unsure of what else to say.
.
Yuuri's family, of course, is thrilled to see them both. It had taken hours of begging for them not to fly out to Russia post-injury to look after him. What good would it have done? It was unbearable enough with Victor's hovering during the first week after; adding his parents to the mix would have pushed him over the edge. Yet he still felt guilty for pushing them away. They just wanted to help.
And they still do, which is why everyone's being overly cheerful with him. Yuuri's just tired, though. His childhood bed has never felt so comfortable as he attempts to sleep off his jet lag. Maybe that's all he needs.
Victor stays downstairs, opting to be a good guest.
And Yuuri next wakes at six in the evening— his sleep is going to be so screwed after this, but what does it matter?
He heads downstairs to find his family at dinner, Victor being notably absent. He must have fallen asleep somewhere, perhaps in the old banquet room again. Honestly, Yuuri's not hungry, but if he refuses a meal, it’ll look suspicious, so he dutifully sits beside his sister and makes himself a bowl.
The dining room is also quite empty given the time of day, but before he can comment on it, Hiroko tells him they’re now closed Tuesdays through Thursdays due to a lack of guests. This doesn’t sound good, but Yuuri’s not in a mood to feel even worse.
“It does have its upsides,” Hiroko continues, “for instance, when’s the last time the four of us have sat down together like this?”
“A long time ago,” Mari says, studying her brother, “probably when Yuuri was in high school.”
“Before that,” Toshiya corrects her. “Yuuri was taller than me by then.”
“Well, either way it’s a long time ago.”
“Now all we’re missing is Victor!” Hiroko adds.
“He’ll probably be asleep until tomorrow afternoon,” says Yuuri. It probably would’ve been better if Victor was here. He always has a lot more to say than Yuuri does. Besides, Yuuri’s family adores him and it would help take the focus off...
“No, he took Makkachin out around two hours ago. I try not to ask what he’s up to, as it’s not really my business,” Mari narrows her eyes, “but I knew he was up to something. He’s bad at keeping secrets.”
“Well, did he tell you? I honestly don’t know.” What could he be doing, Yuuri wonders? Makkachin is ancient in age now and wouldn’t possibly last for an hours-long walk through Hasetsu.
“He just said it was something for you, looking way too mischievous about it. But if it was something big, someone would’ve told me by now. Victor can’t go anywhere in secret. I’m surprised there’s not a statue of him up by the rink by now.”
“Hm.” Yuuri just shrugs. But his shrug seems quite telling. Really, he meant it as an “I don’t know”, but now it seems like an “I don’t care”.
So his mother wades into that conversation very carefully. “How was your time in Russia? Did you like it there?”
Before he can even think about answering the question, his reflexes force an “It was fine”. God, he sounds like a moody teenager, and he is not in the mood to explain himself and raise suspicion. “I mean, everything’s been weird for the past year. I do like the rink, but it’s much more competitive. The press is there a lot.”
“What about your apartment?” Because obviously she wasn’t talking about skating. It’s not like she ever asked how the rink was in Detroit.
He almost says fine again, but manages to stop himself. “It’s great. Anyway, what’s been going on around here lately?”
So Mari dives into a story about her battle with a particularly ridiculous Google reviewer, Toshiya talks about the latest in sports, Hiroko brings up Minako’s improvement in her alcoholism, and the conversation has shifted far enough from him that he feels like he can start to breathe again. He is able to eat. And when he can eat his mother’s home cooked meals, nothing is as bad as it seems.
After dinner, he says he’s going for a run up to the rink to find Victor. He’s probably there. Doing what, God only knows.
Maybe this trip will be good for them. As much as he wants to check his phone right now, not knowing what’s going on in the world is not a bad thing. It forces him to think about other things and stop worrying as much about everything else. Sure, he’ll probably relapse tonight and start endlessly scrolling through Twitter, but for the moment it’s okay.
He jogs up the familiar road to the rink, breathing in the fresh sea air around him. It feels good. And for that brief moment, he feels good. So when he comes across Victor, walking back towards the house, he feels lighter than he’s been in months.
Victor reaches his hand out to take Yuuri’s before they’re close enough to do so, and envelopes him in a tight hug. He smells like the ocean.
“My family’s been wondering where you went.” Yuuri mumbles against his jacket. “Where’d you go?”
“It’s a surprise.”
“You’re good at surprising people,” Yuuri lifts his head and meets his eyes, “but really bad at keeping secrets.”
“At least from you..” Victor kisses him, and Yuuri melts into him again. When they part, Victor adds, “Just wait until tomorrow. I think I can keep the secret until then.”
“If you have to…”
“By the way, were you headed to the rink? It’s closed, but I may or may not have a key I forgot to return…”
“They’ve probably changed the locks by now.” Yuuri says. “We can go in the morning, right? And you didn’t bring skates.”
So, the two opt to walk by the water instead. Makkachin finds a comfortable spot and lies down, leaving her humans to continue their walk without her.
“Makkachin loves being in Hasetsu,” Victor says. “I think she’d much rather retire here than in Russia.”
“And choke on buns again when we’re not around, yes.”
Victor laughs. His arm slides around Yuuri. “I would say you worry too much, but you’ll just tell me that one of us has to, right?”
“See? It’s not all air up there, Nikiforov.”
.
Today was an okay day. The pair spent much of the evening walking Hasetsu before eventually returning home. There was no way the two of them could sleep on Yuuri’s bed, but since Yuuri wasn’t as tired he gave his bed to Victor and opted to sleep on the floor instead. Tomorrow, he promises, he’d pull a mattress from storage. Victor says he should’ve given Yuuri his old bed from the banquet room before they left for Russia together.
“There’s no room for that in here. Even the bed at home is too big.”
“I’m a big person.” Victor counters. “And besides, I needed space for Makkachin.”
Yuuri shakes his head. Makkachin is currently fitting quite well on the twin-sized bed beside her master.
***
Yuuri somehow falls asleep later that night and sleeps another few hours. It’s only four in the morning, but Victor’s phone lights up with a text. It’s charging on the ground, even though they’d agreed not to use them during this trip. Yuuri can’t help but peek at who it’s from. Huh, it’s just Yuri Plisetsky.
He lies down again.
But why would Yuri Plisetsky text Victor, ever? It’s a pain to even get him to read a text from either of them. To send one would mean there was a problem, or he was outside their apartment and demanding entry (instead of just ringing the bell like a normal person).
So Yuuri taps the screen to read it, because what if there was an emergency or something?
Yurio: idk. knowing him? he’ll probably hate that you’re doing this without talking to him first. as he should, idiot.
Well, what does that mean? Victor can be incredibly impulsive, but when it comes to major decisions, they’ve always consulted each other first. The worst thing Yuuri can rationally imagine is Victor planning a surprise elopement. But as he starts to overthink it, Yuri Plisetsky’s text seems to imply it was more than that. Great.
He knows the password to Victor’s phone and could easily check to see what’s going on, but Victor did say he had a surprise for him. To read through his texts would definitely spoil it.
Oh well, what’s a few more hours? It could be the most minor thing in the world. Or maybe, for once, a good thing. Yeah. He’ll bet on that.
***
That morning, Yuuri’s name trends on Twitter. Someone had snapped a photo of them at the airport and noted how frosty Yuuri had been to his fiance upon landing in Japan. Yuuri will not see this post.
The conspiracy theories will evolve over the course of the day. Surely, #Victuuri is over. They are clearly splitting, their relationship unable to take the pressure of the injury and its aftermath. This is why Yuuri hasn’t been training for the upcoming season! He only came to the St. Petersburg rink to say goodbye to everyone!
By the end of the day, no one knows exactly how the rumors started, but surely they must be true.
While the #Victuuri fandom is divorcing, Yuuri is getting dressed for the day as his fiance refuses to tell him where they are going. But he’s in a good mood at least, so it can’t be something bad. Who knows? It might actually be fun. Embarrassing, possibly, but fun.
So he lets his guard down a little. Even when Victor asks to take Yuuri’s parents’ car for the day, aka the pile of dust that hardly ever moves from its parking spot. Because that means they’re actually going somewhere. And they’re not bringing skates, either.
“Please don’t wreck this thing, Victor, they’ve had it since I was in primary school…” Yuuri pleads as Victor takes a rather sharp turn out of the parking spot.
“It takes getting used to, but I promise I’ll behave.”
Yuuri has been everywhere in Hasetsu; while jogging, training, moping around. Yet Victor passes the rink, passes the shops, passes everything. But he doesn’t seem to leave the town. If he does, it isn’t far. He turns onto a row of houses up above the others, the kind with “Do Not Trespass” signs, the place where the wealthier people might live…
“Victor, what is this?”
“You’re not obligated to accept this, but…”
He stops in front of the house at the end of the loop. He can see the ocean from here. They stand above everyone else and Yuuri has to continuously remind himself that this is the kind of neighborhood Victor could afford. Yuuri looks from the house to Victor and back. It’s by no means modern, but it’s much bigger than the apartment, and it’s…
“I thought we should have two bases, you know, for the times of year we want to spend in Russia, and when we’re here in Hasetsu. Without one of us having to sleep on the floor of your childhood bedroom. And the rent here is surprisingly affordable.”
Yuuri is… purely speechless. His eyes widen, but he really can’t think of a thing to say. Even if he could, it would probably come out as a garbled mess.
“And as we spent an entire year in St. Petersburg, which was of course wonderful, I kept thinking how nice it would’ve been to spend some time here together… not training, not when you have local competitions, but to just be here.” Victor gently takes his hand and leads him towards the front gate, “And I’ll be honest, things have seemed different between us recently. I know it must be frustrating for you, how absent I’ve been, spending all that time at the rink without you. I know that’s what has taken a toll on our relationship recently, and I want to fix it. That’s my goal for this year, to focus on us. And maybe, maybe I can do that better while we’re here, away from all of our obligations in Russia.”
Oh no . Victor thinks the disconnect is his fault? He’s willing to rent a house in Hasetsu just to try and connect with Yuuri better? This is it. Yuuri will die from his own suffocating guilt if he doesn’t come clean now. He takes a breath, and then stops following Victor up the path to the house. “Victor, it’s not your fault that we’ve been distant. It’s mine. And I did it on purpose, because…”
“Because…?” Victor’s expression has completely changed. What once was hopeful, even a bit excited, has disappeared. It is as if he’s put on a mask, like he used to before they truly knew each other. And Yuuri can’t begin to imagine what he’s thinking after hearing this.
“Because I’m not— I don’t—” Yuuri sighs. “I haven’t felt like myself. There’s nothing you did wrong, it’s all my fault.”
This time, Victor is silent.
“I would love to stay here with you, but I… I can’t think about the season right now. Or the future at all.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“I don’t think there’s anything you can do.”
Victor nods. The two stand in the small yard of this charming house on the hill, and Yuuri wishes more than anything that he didn’t feel like this, because this would be a great place to live during the offseason, and… and yet if he doesn’t say something now, it’ll all slip through his fingers. But he can’t.
“What did you mean by not feeling like yourself?”
“I can’t talk about it.”
At this, Victor seems a bit offended. “What, are you cheating on me?”
Yuuri scowls at him. “Victor, stop! It’s not that, how could you think that?” He hadn’t meant to shout. It never helps anything between them. But how can he not get defensive? He doesn’t want to talk about this right now. He’s not ready.
"What am I supposed to think, Yuuri? You tense up whenever I go near you, you want nothing to do with me or our future, you're always upset and won't tell me why, like it's some terrible secret—"
"When would I have the time to cheat on you, Victor? Between rehab appointments, or when you're gone all the time at the rink?" Ah, crap, Yuuri thinks, I really didn't want the discussion to go this way.
Victor speaks in a pensive voice, "You encouraged me to."
"I know."
All is silent again and neither will look at each other. Yuuri is fairly certain a nearby neighbor is taking far longer than usual to sweep their porch just to listen in. Eventually, Victor resigns.
“How can I help you if you won’t tell me anything? Yuuri, this is what we’re here for. To talk. To work things out.”
“None of this is your fault,” Yuuri replies quietly, “And I really don’t want to argue. I think I just… I need some time.”
“Some time…” Victor repeats.
“And then I’ll tell you everything. I would really, really like to. But I need to understand it myself, first. And it's not an affair.” He forces himself to meet Victor’s eyes. “So if we could just put everything on pause. This rental house, which is a great idea, our trip, the season. If we can pause it all and just give me a few days to get myself together… I promise I’ll tell you everything.”
Victor says okay. That’s all he says until they get back to Yu-topia. Then, it’s just to say he’s going to take Makkachin out for another walk.
Yuuri feels horrible, but he doesn’t regret his decision. He does need to sort this out before he goes anywhere else with his life.
As he sits on the floor of his childhood bedroom, he tries to think of when exactly this crisis began. Was it in this room, and he just wasn’t aware of it yet?
It was in this very room he tried on his first competition costume. He remembers twirling around in front of the mirror, so excited to compete for the first time in his homemade costume. Looking back, he’s had better costume choices, but that was one of the last times he looked in the mirror and felt happy with what he saw. Because then puberty hit and suddenly everything was horrible. Of course, puberty is awkward for everyone, but that awkwardness never faded for him. From then on, he always felt awkward in his own skin. It wasn’t until his first season with Victor that he realized gender might have had something to do with it. But he didn’t give it much thought. Why should he? His costume represented how he felt, he was comfortable in it and so busy with his successful season and budding relationship, so there was no time to sit back and reflect on why he loved his Eros costume so much until he was forced to stay off the ice for the better part of a year.
In an ideal world, his next season’s program would represent these emotions in him. As would his costume. In an ideal world, he would’ve told Victor exactly what was wrong instead of promising to tell him when he gained the courage to.
Maybe the problem is he’s too far into his own head. Googling his issues won’t help. It’s time to consult someone. He thinks about texting Phichit, but as great a friend as he is, he has the habit of gossiping, and this is the last thing he needs leaking.
He opens his contact list. Who can he ask about this who isn’t heavily invested in him and Victor’s relationship, who could also understand what he’s going through? Honestly, he doesn’t want to burden anyone with his issues. He should probably—
As if fate had arranged it, Minako calls him at that very moment. Before he can even say anything, she asks, “Why didn’t you tell me you came back to Hasetsu?”
He tells her they booked a flight and got here so quickly that he hadn’t thought to tell anyone.
She pauses a moment. “You sound terrible. You’re not divorcing, are you ? ”
“Divorcing, what—? I’m not even—”
“Anyway, when am I coming over?”
This gives him an idea. “Actually, would you mind if I came over?”
“I’ll go unlock the door.”
***
Another photo is added to the #VictuuriDivorce scandal: Victor, sullen and alone on a Hasetsu beach.
At that point, even skaters can’t help but screenshot the trending hashtag and send it to Victor, mostly teasingly asking what he thinks of this nonsense. When he doesn’t answer, it’s only slightly concerning…
Honestly, Victor doesn't know what's going on. He doesn't want to wait days to find out, either. Because even if it's not an affair, which he had doubted anyway, that doesn't mean it isn't something extremely serious. Yuuri wanting to end their relationship would be the lowest level of concern if it's something as major as suicidal thoughts— which Victor cannot rule out considering Yuuri's spiral post-injury. None of this is good, and he doesn't know how to proceed.
When he comes back to the house, he's only slightly surprised to find that Yuuri is not there. Mari is the first to notice his distress and slowly lowers her phone. "I take it didn't go well."
"Honestly, I don't know what the hell is going on. I need a drink."
"You'd better fill me in. I'll get the wine."
.
Though just two years his senior, Victor has always had a great fear and respect for Katsuki Mari. She took the longest to warm up to him and had issued the most threats about what might happen if her little brother was ever hurt. And since arriving in Hasetsu, she's seemed more cautious of him than usual, like she picked up on Yuuri's distress before anyone else had.
Unsurprisingly, she confirms this. "I knew something was off from the moment you two walked in the door," Mari pours wine for the two of them, opting to give herself the larger portion. "He's never been the most talkative, but when we could hardly get a word out of him at dinner, I knew. So, what happened?"
"The injury happened. He hasn't been the same since, and I completely understand that part as a former athlete with similar injuries..."
"But it has to be more than that." She leans forward, as if inspecting him, "Because he loves you, and he's always been terrified of losing you. Did you say something to him to make him pull away?"
"He would let me know if I did. Yuuri is not so passive in his romantic relationships." Victor sighs, "I really cannot think of a single thing but the injury."
"Do you think he's ready to retire?"
"We've talked about it plenty of times... in fact, I suggested it after the injury— it was supposed to be his last season anyway. But Yuuri was the one who wanted to push through one more season and conclude with the Olympics."
The two go through a bottle of wine and various possibilities for the change in Yuuri's behavior. It all leads back to nothing.
Mari tells him that she'll call her brother later and try to figure out what's going on. When she does, Yuuri doesn't answer.
***
Yuuri doesn’t run into Victor on his way to Minako's, which is good. He still fully intends to tell him everything, but Minako’s always been the person he turns to for advice— and though she’s older and not as up-to-speed with modern terminology, he hopes she can still help him figure out just what it is he’s feeling. If not, at least he won't have to go home tonight and face everyone.
The door is unlocked, so Yuuri lets himself into Minako’s flat. She’s up in the studio, having just finished her last lesson of the day. She meets him at the door when he makes it to the top step and assesses him grimly. “Ah, so you are getting a divorce after all.”
Again, Yuuri can do nothing but sputter about how he’s not even married, how can she–
“Well, you haven’t looked this gloomy since that ‘I’m Retiring’ stunt you pulled at the Grand Prix Final?”
“It wasn’t a stunt,” Yuuri murmurs, setting his bag down. “Do you mind if I practice? Is anyone else coming in?”
“No one but you. So what’s up?”
Over the next hour, he tells her everything. The horribly dark months of recovery where he had to reevaluate what his life’s purpose will be once he can’t skate anymore, which led to taking a good look at himself— inside and out. And he then grew uncomfortable with what he saw in the mirror, which only worsened by the day. He’s pulled away from Victor, who wants to move forward with their relationship, and, “Now I just don’t know what to do.”
Minako is sitting on the floor by the mirror, her brows furrowed. She blows out a breath, removes her glasses, and gives him another look. “What you do, Katsuki Yuuri, is stop being afraid to be yourself. Nothing bad has ever come out of your authenticity, has it?”
Yuuri shrinks back. “This… this is different , Minako… I can’t just…”
“What’s the worst thing that can happen? Tell me. Let’s rationalize it.”
There are a lot of “worst thing’s”. He could tier them. But as far as his personal life goes… “The worst thing to happen would be Victor leaving me because of it.”
“Because of what, Yuuri? Finish that thought.”
So he has to verbalize it. “If I, you know…” He catches sight of himself in the mirror and flinches, eyes darting to the floor instead. He’s on the verge of tears. At the same time, Minako is suddenly standing beside him.
“What kind of dancer’s posture is this? Did I teach you nothing? Chin up.” Despite her critique, her voice is soft, gentle. “You can say what you need to, Yuuri. There’s no judgement here.”
Yuuri lifts his head. He sucks in a breath, but he doesn’t look away. “The worst thing to happen would be Victor leaving me because I’m not who he thinks I am.”
“Well, screw him. This isn’t about him.” Minako puts a hand on his shoulder. “You don’t have to live your life planning around everyone else’s opinions. Sometimes, you just have to be impulsive— do what you want, worry about the rest later.” She looks at them in the mirror. “I know, I know you aren’t sure what you want yet, or maybe even who you are. But you shouldn’t be afraid to find out.”
It’s easy for her to say. She’s always seemed so sure of herself, and cannot possibly understand how scared Yuuri is of losing the only person he’s ever loved. Yes, if it came down to leaving Victor or being his authentic self, he knows which one would make more sense to choose. Yet it is still terrifying to picture being alone after all this time, to start over completely. He wants Victor on board. Yet at the same time, how terrifying would it be to have him on board? Victor is very… passionate, in everything he does. To have him fully involved and supportive would mean fully committing to his new and true identity without backing away when things get overwhelming. If he tells Victor, there’s no turning back. There’s no safety net of being the same old cisgendered Yuuri the world knows. And though that safety net may be filled with spikes of self hatred, doubt, and depression, at least it stops him from being completely vulnerable— though it hurts him, it doesn’t kill him. It keeps everything frozen in time, just how it was.
Minako pulls him out of his thoughts again. “Stay here, if you need to, but really… you do need to talk to Victor. Do you really think he’ll break up with you over this?”
“It doesn’t seem rational, but… it could be the breaking point. Or, it’ll forever change things between us. I’ll… I’ll call him. We can meet tomorrow.” After a moment, "or maybe a week from now... a week sounds a lot easier."
Minako frowns at him.
"How can I talk to him when I don't even know what I want yet?"
"Katsuki Yuuri, you tell him what you just told me. You don't have to make a decision overnight."
***
Well, it's not like he's going to make a decision for the next year or two at this rate, so Yuuri decides to get a good night's rest before anything else. This is all turning into such a disaster, and for what? He should just meet Victor tomorrow, tell the partial truth of being depressed, and leave it at that. That's the safer route. Because what the hell else does he even say to him?
Thankfully, Minako turns in for the night and Yuuri is left alone in the studio. He can hardly look at himself, which makes him even angrier. Just what does he think he can hide from? It's laughable, really.
Yuuri imagines he's walking down the stairs at an event as he follows the length of the ballet barre. "Just who are you, Katsuki Yuuri?" someone, probably a reporter, will ask.
And he'd look at them just as he looks at himself now. "I have no fucking clue."
Ah, but imagine you do, the little devil on his shoulder quips. Pretend you do. Can't we pretend?
And no, you can't pretend to be katsudon this time.
Yuuri closes his eyes. If he had to imagine what he's wearing, it would be a formal rendition of the Eros costume, wouldn't it? Somehow it always comes back to that costume. Why did he like it so much? Better yet, why did he feel so confident in it? Not confident in his skating, but in himself?
Because it appeased his identity, regardless of which way it leaned in that moment?
Well, whatever the reason, it's what he imagines himself wearing. His golden engagement ring accompanied by his wedding ring, finally— with three stones to represent his three Grand Prix Final victories, and two for his Olympic golds—
And he'll wear the diamond necklace Victor bought him and not hate himself for it. The costume will fit him perfectly, his muscles toned, nothing too tight or out of place. No one will look at him and think, just who does Katsuki Yuuri think he is, dressing like this? They'll maybe, just maybe, envy him, wish they could be him.
And he'd feel proud of hearing that instead of being absolutely positive that they don't mean that, or they're making a mistake in thinking that.
And when someone asks him who he is, he'll have an answer for it.
But as he opens his eyes, meeting the sleep-deprived, puffy eyed current version of himself, he just really doesn't know.
There's a fear of having to permanently commit to whatever label he chooses and making sure not to deviate away from it lest he confuse everyone again, and there's fears beyond that, too. He just wants to be sure, and there's just so many possibilities. Maybe he should just spend the evening taking online quizzes about gender identity and play something of an elimination game?
Actually, that doesn't sound too bad.
Minako had set up her spare bedroom for him before going to bed, so Yuuri makes a beeline for it before turning on his phone. His plan was to use his phone for quiz related purposes only, because being online has become nothing but an anxiety machine, and he really doesn’t need that.
But when he turns on his phone, he sees a notification for a post in the Katsuki Yuuri topic, regarding some trending hashtag called #VictuuriDivorce. He thinks it’ll be something stupid, sometimes fans jokingly trend things. It has to be a joke, right?
…Right?
As it would turn out, the trend started mostly as a joke. But as all trends go, misinformation and horrible hate comments always follow. Some of Victor’s fans have always hated him. Some of Yuuri’s fans have always disliked Victor. There was a breeding ground for a nightmare anytime either of them even slightly trended. He takes a peek into the hashtag.
There’s Victor, sullen and alone on a beach, with comments highlighting Yuuri's notable absence over the past few weeks. Oh god, the drama to follow…
He can’t think of it. Victor is forgetful. He may have dropped his ring somewhere, or forgot to put it back on after a shower. He’s done that about a hundred times. Or, of course, he’s done with their relationship, and it’s 100% Yuuri’s fault for pushing him away. He swipes out of Twitter. He’ll deal with Victor when he’s in the right headspace. There’s no point in going back home at all until then.
In the meantime, he sends Victor a quick text.
Internet is crazy - _ -
I'm staying at Minako's just for the night. Call me in the morning?
goodnight, i love you, and give makkachin a kiss for me