Chapter Text
Regulus Arcturus Black was dead. And he had been, for years now. And James could still remember every excruciating detail. It doesn’t even matter how he got told, it doesn’t matter that he wasn’t given a second thought, i mean why would he? Regulus was his best friends younger brother, what reason did James have to mourn his death? He should be mourning the loss of his friend now, for the Sirius he knew had certainly died along with Regulus in that cave. The Sirius walking this earth was not the one James had grown up with.
Yet to his frustration, James doesn’t seem to care. All he could imagine, all he could see whenever he closed his eyes is the image of Regulus’ prefect face, his thin lips twisted into a small smile, eyes looking at him just as he did before rambling about some other book he’d read. And then the perfect image, his perfect image, would come crumbling down, snuffed out by the cold strangling hands of death.
And yet that didn’t seem to stop Regulus haunting him, James saw him everywhere. In dark sweater and bitter coffee, old vinyls and cassettes. James heard his voice every time he re-read the letters stashed in the back of his draw, filled with looping writing and embellished words of praise and love.
James wasn’t one for pretty words and shallow compliments, but for Regulus he would read those long dreary romance books, watch his eyes come to life when explaining the tragedies of Greek mythology, or two lovers doomed to fail in some muggle play. For Regulus? James would’ve become a poet for gods sakes, James would become the worlds finest author if it meant he could see him again. For Regulus, the world.
And then a tap on the shoulder brought his thoughts crashing down.
Lily.
Beautiful, caring, perfect Lily.
Lily, who everyone expected him to marry one day, and to be honest he expected it himself.
Lily, who he loved. And it was true he did love her, more than he’d ever wanted to after Regulus, no one could’ve told him a year ago he’d be in a happy committed a relationship.
The James from a year ago would scream at the thought of moving on. How could anyone expect him to leave Regulus behind? No one could ever compare.
Except time moves on, and people change, and people die. And James had long since accepted the fact that Reg was dead, it had taken him months, months of silent tears and secret mourning.
Stop being so selfish. He was someone’s brother, someone’s son, god even your parents had more right to mourn him than you.
That small voice would often remind James he was in fact being selfish.
And it was right, his parents were in bits when they’d received the letter from Dumbledore, rushed writing on a scrap of parchment. They’d always been fond of the Black Brothers, even if they did rarely see Regulus after… certain events took place.
“Did you order already? Did you know Marlene’s signed up? She’s going to be at the meeting later tonight. I did warn her it might be a bit- are you alright?” Lily’s face came into view, her hands unwrapping a mismatched scarf which James was sure had been a Christmas present from himself last year.
James was still getting the hang of knitting but he wasn’t half bad, if he did say so himself. And he did say so. Multiple times whenever the conversation was brought up.
“Yeah yeah sorry I’m just a bit…” he trailed off, hands reaching to fiddle with the cutlery on the small restaurant table.
It wasn’t like James to be so sombre, he was known as the life of the party, most confident guy in class, head boy, captain of the quidditch team, member of Dumbledore’s Army. He wasn’t quiet or meek, he was James Potter.
“Oh… OH oh. Well…” Lily’s face was so animated James found it hard not to smile, her eyes lit up in realisation, looking down at her watch and realising the date.
Lily’s hand grasped his, her pink strawberry nails covering his chipped black ones, he really should ask her to redo them again sometime soon.
Lily knows James, she knows he absolutely hates mushrooms, she knows that he has an odd obsession with muggle rugby (which he insists he watches for the sport and not because they’re attractive) and she knows when Regulus Arcturus Black died. The day she realised that she doesn’t know him that well at all.
He wasn’t the same for months after, they were only friends at that point but still, Lily could tell something was going on. And then when James had come out it all seemed to make sense. He’d never explicitly told Lily about him and Regulus, but she could tell all the same.
And it made her even more apprehensive about their relationship, how could she compete with someone he’d cared for so very much? Someone he’d lost so tragically he barely spoke a word for weeks after that letter.
The letter which hadn’t even been addressed to him.
Lily thinks that she’ll never forgive Dumbledore for that. None of them will.
“Are we eating then? You know Kingsley won’t be providing snacks this time.” James squeezed her hand one more time before picking up the menu, grateful for the change in subject. He was a bit peckish. Maybe he’d get the chicken.