Chapter Text
Namaari was definitely not in the best of moods. Her emotions were still a mess- a hurricane of feelings tossing her into the eye of the storm without regard. Seeing Raya hurt like that, and knowing that it had been (in part) her fault, well, it didn’t do wonders for her self-confidence. She found it hugely ironic that there had been minimal troubles from the marauding bandits that wandered the five lands, and the one time Raya visited, they just happened to be around. What did that say about Fang? If they couldn’t even manage their own lands properly, how would they be trusted by others?
The idea that they were somehow behind the other lands- always having to fight a bit harder, always having to prove themselves more- had never really left her. She was responsible for her people, and while there had been swift retribution dealt to the bandits, there was still damage control to take care of, resettlement, and a host of other issues. So when Virana had suggested a road trip with Raya yesterday as a sort of girlfriend bonding time, she had choked on her drink and sprayed it all over the breakfast table. She’d argued that she was needed here, that Raya had duties, and that they should focus on their responsibilities. Of course, the one time she wanted her mother to be her logical, pragmatic self, Virana was not. You two need some time alone. Figure out your relationship. I know you’ve liked Raya for a long time, my morning mist. That one had her blushing fiercely.
Still, it wasn’t as if she wanted to be stuck with Raya for a week. Sure, she could admit that she liked her, but she really didn’t know where things stood, especially with Raya’s confession a couple of days ago and whatever had happened in Raya’s room last night. It was awkward enough being around her alone, she certainly didn’t need to be isolated with her for a week. Of course, her mother hadn’t listened to her. As much as she loved and respected Virana, one of the things Namaari hated was how she was so set in her ways. If Namaari wanted to propose something out of her comfort zone, or something that she would not believe in, the Fang chief did not hesitate in shooting her down or simply overriding her protests. That’s how Namaari found herself reluctantly packing her bags late last night, standing on the dock of one of Fang’s many ports, as the sun peeked over the horizon and the air was still thick with dew, with Raya standing quietly at her side and Tuk Tuk faithfully guarding their backs, the air practically supercharged with tension.
***
(1 day ago)
Raya didn’t realize how dramatic of an affair being attacked by bandits was until it actually happened. Both Namaari and her mother had been furious, immediately sending patrols out to find the source of the attack and eliminate it. It had been scary, to be honest, to watch the full might of Fang be mobilized for her, one Heart princess. She would’ve been fine without the constant fussing and stressing from the palace doctor, who seemed to conveniently ignore the fact that she had survived very well on her own for six whole years. All of this fuss really isn't necessary. After the doctor released her from her third medical examination of the day, proclaiming (once again) that she needed to get a proper amount of rest, not participate in any strenuous physical activity, and make sure not to tear any of her stitches, she headed straight for her room, feeling emotionally wrung out.
Her Ba’s words kept replaying in her head despite her best efforts to shut them out. There was no way Namaari was just overwhelmed, right? There was no way Namaari could like Raya. Namaari was cool, strong, and composed, and always seemed to know what to do in every situation. Raya, on the other hand, was a disaster at best. She was always clumsy at the worst of times and had no idea what to say in any situation unless she was gushing over dragons. But her traitorous mind kept flashing memories before her. Namaari, with that look in her eyes when Raya had first arrived. Namaari, with her gentle touches and concerned words and her plea for Raya to remain safe. Namaari, who she often caught staring at her when they were walking. Raya slumped onto her bed, dozens of different emotions swirling through her mind as she tried to parse through her thoughts. Was expressing yourself always this hard? Would these feelings of hurt and rejection ever float away? How was she supposed to play the part of dutiful girlfriend if she couldn’t even keep a lid on this maelstrom of feelings? A soft knock on the door pulled her from her musings.
“Raya? Can I come in?” Namaari’s voice was timid, almost uncertain as rested her hand against the door. Raya’s eyes flew open and she swung her legs off the bed, limping a little as she cracked the door open. Namaari was standing there, arms full of bandages and healing salve, with a sheepish smile on her face. Raya opened the door wider and motioned for the other girl, a bemused expression on her face as she perched on her bed. The awkwardness from their last encounter together hung unresolved in the air, and she defensively crossed her arms over her chest before immediately wincing as she put undue pressure on her injuries and uncrossed them. She opened her mouth to ask what Namaari was doing here at this time of the evening, when everyone was usually retiring to their quarters, and why she was loaded down with a veritable ton of healing supplies, but the other girl beat her to it.
Words rushing out in a jumbled mess, Namaari rambled, “I know you’ve seen the doctor three times today and you’re probably tired of people fussing over you, but you getting hurt really scared me, Raya. I felt like there was nothing that I could do to help and I felt so useless in my own homeland, and I just need to be able to do something, so please let me help you with your injuries?” Raya frowned, prepared to turn the other girl down and tell her to go to sleep before she overworked herself yet again, frowned at the look in Namaari’s eyes. There was something there, a hint of vulnerability and almost desperation in those brown orbs that had her pausing in her words.
“Okay”. Her voice was soft but sure, and in one swift move, she pulled her shirt over her head, leaving her top bare save for her bindings and exposing the litany of bruises and scrapes scattered over her torso and arms. Namaari let out a quiet gasp as she stepped forward, laying down her supplies on Raya’s counter. Her fingertips brushed gently over each of her injuries, careful not to apply too much pressure. Quietly, almost reverently, she twisted open a jar of the healing salve and began applying it liberally over Raya’s injuries, keeping her touch featherlight. Raya’s breathing hitched and her eyes slipped shut. She told herself that it was because she was trying to prevent her injuries from being aggravated further, but it was a weak excuse at best. When she opened her eyes again, Namaari was looking at her with a complicated mix of emotions. There was something in her eyes Raya thought she’d never seen before, a kind of quiet desire that Raya was sure she wasn’t misreading. In that moment, she let everything slip away: her confusion over Namaari’s feelings towards her, the lingering pain from the bruises littering her body, the fact that this probably wasn’t real, and embraced the moment. She leaned forward, close enough to Namaari that their noses were brushing and their breaths mingled, and there was no mistaking the anticipation in Namaari’s eyes.
She closed her eyes, readying herself to finally lean forward when the door flew open. Startled, Namaari leapt backward onto the bed, barely avoiding falling onto the ground, as Virana walked into Raya’s room. Her eyes twinkled as she took in the situation and realized what she had probably interrupted.
“Raya!” She exclaimed, delighted. “I see Namaari has already come over, but I’m here to inform you that I’ve decided that the both of you are taking a week-long trip starting tomorrow morning touring Kumandra! With all the hectic scheduling, you two haven’t had time for some true girlfriend bonding. Make sure to pack tonight, we’ll leave bright and early tomorrow! I’ll leave you two to it, but make sure not to stay up too late!” She smirked, quietly exiting the room.
Raya blanched. A road trip with only Namaari? After their almost kiss and her ignored confession? Her eyes flicked to the other girl, who looked uncomfortable but not surprised. She was already pushing herself off the bed, stammering an excuse about how she needed to back for tomorrow and studiously avoiding Raya’s eyes, gathering her supplies before hurriedly pushing open the door and almost running out without a second glance back. Raya sat back in her bed, letting out a whoosh of breath. Well, that little meeting certainly hadn’t helped her existential crisis at all. What in the world did this mean for their friendship? Namaari had been about to kiss her, she was sure of it. But did she have the right to confront the other girl? Her conversation with her Ba flashed through her head. It wasn’t as if she had something to lose. At least this way she could get some kind of closure, and Namaari couldn’t run away from her problems like she tended to.
***
(1 day later)
In the meticulously planned out itinerary Virana had given them, Talon was the first stop, the chief deeming the floating marketplace a great way to bond. And maybe it would be if the two of them were actually speaking to each other. The day passed in mostly awkward silence. Namaari steered the boat in the general direction of Talon, while Raya spent most of it leaning against Tuk Tuk, salakot over her head and seemingly oblivious to the world around her. The sun was just beginning to set, painting the sky a faint orange, as Namaari dug out some of their rations and wordlessly handed some to Raya. The other girl nodded her thanks and scarfed down the food. Just as Namaari thought she was going to go back to laying against Tuk Tuk, she straightened, an unreadable look in her eyes.
"We should talk," she declared, seemingly done slipping around the huge elephant in the room. Namaari looked away. She recognized the look in Raya's eyes now. It was the one she got when she was about to be a stubborn binturi and go through with her plan, no matter how insanely stupid it was. Raya continued talking. "I know that you feel... something for me. I could see it in your eyes. Why are you running away from this, Namaari? You were the one who approached me, asked me to be your fake girlfriend. If our relationship even meant half as much to you as it did to me, you would say something so we could both be happy. What's stopping you?" Raya said something else, but Namaari's brain had tuned it out. Raya had managed to hit all of Namaari's inner anxieties in the one minute, and she was growing more and more anxious as time went on. Raya asked another question, but it was drowned out by the buzzing of Namaari's thoughts, which grew louder and louder until they finally spilled out.
"Because I don't deserve you, okay?" she all but shouted. She barely registered Raya's monologue cutting off abruptly as she continued. "You're everything I'm not. You're kind, generous, selfless, and so good to this world. You're like the ray of sunshine and hope that brightens everyone's day. But me- I'm the backstabbing binturi who betrayed you not once, but twice, killed the last dragon, and almost broke the world multiple times! In what world would I ever deserve someone as good as you, Raya?" Her voice shook, but she soldiered on. It was too late to turn back now. "When you trusted me in that cave, it was like there was finally a light in the constant darkness my world had become. I was honored to have you place that trust in me once again, after all that happened, and I couldn't fathom why you wanted to keep me around and be my friend even after that, but I have to draw the line here. I can't be the person that you look at with all affection and hope you contain. I will never deserve that." Namaari didn't realize she was crying until she felt a tear drip down onto her pants. Her body shook with silent sobs, and when she looked up at Raya, the other girl was holding her arms open, warm brown eyes full of nothing but love and kindness. Letting her walls crumble just the slightest bit, Namaari collapsed into Raya's arms, sobbing into her shoulder. Raya's arms tightened around her, and the other girl pressed a gentle kiss onto her forehead, gently rubbing circles on her back.
When Raya spoke again, her voice was gentle, hushed, and soothing. "Hey, it's okay, dep la. I've got you. Let it all out. I know you think you did some bad things, maybe even unforgivable things. And for a long time, I hated you for that." Raya drew in a fortifying breath. "I resented the fact that Fang escaped the Druun practically unscathed, and the fact that I had naively trusted you. But I've come to realize that it's not your fault. You were simply acting in the best interest for Fang. All you ever wanted was to make your mother happy and keep your people safe. That should never be a reason to hate someone. And I'm sorry Namaari, for blaming you for something you did to truly help your people. So I forgive you. I forgive you, Namaari," Raya soothed, pressing another kiss to the top of Namaari's head. Namaari shuddered, soaking Raya's shirt in tears and clinging to the feeling of safety and love Raya's embrace brought, as if Namaari herself was the most important thing in all of Kumandra. As the sun slowly sank into the horizon and the sky was painted with vivid blues and blazing oranges and red, Namaari let her walls crumble as Raya held her, finally giving in to her feelings.