Chapter Text
Slutty Husband
"Madrina," stated Number One, pointing to the screen that depicted a picture of the planet they were headed to. "A warp-capable civilization, rich in dilithium making them a very desirable ally. Starfleet wants us to formally initiate diplomatic relations."
Captain Pike turned to his crew. "They are a conservative, matriarchal society. Fortunately, there has been some advancement towards equality under the governance of President Lima. Unmarried males are now allowed to be in the same room as women which was not the case ten years ago when Una and I did a recon mission there."
"The Captain and I had to get married before beaming over," Una caught Chris' eye and a small smile flitted her face at a memory.
All eyes were suddenly far more interested in that story.
Chris nodded. "Yes, we had the misfortune to experience sexism in Madrina. They arrested me and called me Number One's slutty husband because I was wearing tight clothes and wore my hair like this."
Uhura snorted a laugh and then quickly apologized. "I'm sorry. That's not supposed to be funny. They're sexist and we're not condoning that."
Chris waved the apology away. "No, it's fine. Number One and I laughed about it too at first."
"We still do."
"Right. Sometimes you just have to laugh at your own misfortune."
Ten years ago
“What are you doing?” Una cried as she helplessly watched female guards shove Chris down to his knees. They pulled his hands behind him and placed shackles around it.
The urge to pull out the phaser in her bag was strong but she had to remind herself that she and Pike could not break their cover.
She didn’t understand what they did wrong. It was a simple recon mission to assess the planet’s readiness for an invitation to Starfleet. She and Chris had gotten married for this and even put on the clothes that the locals wore. But as soon as they had arrived, they had started receiving stares. Or Pike had.
Which wasn’t unusual. Christopher Pike always attracted attention; he was a large, handsome man and he carried himself confidently. He stood with his back straight, head held high, dimples flashing for everyone to see, and his hair styled to the point that it can be seen a mile away.
They both ignored the stares and the whispers that followed them until someone had spilled liquid on Chris, staining his robes. He promptly took it off to prevent further ruin to his underclothes. That was when the law enforcement came.
“They are arresting him,” came a reply from behind her.
Una whipped around, coming face to face with a woman. She was among the bystanders that had gathered to witness the scene. Unlike the other people who were nodding their approval of the arrest, the woman’s face was impassive.
“On what charges?”
The woman frowned at Una. “You’re not from around here, are you?”
Una shook her head. “We’re tourists. On our honeymoon.”
A soft expression appeared on the woman’s face, like she almost pitied Una. She held out her arm to the officer and said, “Follow me.”
Una glanced back to Pike who was now being led to what could only be the local jail.
Una followed the woman to a secluded corner of the street.
“I am Senator Lima. I may be able to help you.”
Une sighed in relief. “I’m Una and that was my husband.”
“You have a very bold husband, Una,” she said and Una could detect the slight tone of respect in her voice. “He has been arrested for indecent exposure, the punishment for which varies from shaving to death.”
Una blinked at that and shook her head as if that would help her hear better. “Indecent exposure?”
The senator nodded giving her a look that made Una feel a little bit of an idiot for being oblivious. “His hair is not Madrinian regulation. Males should be bald or with hair less than an inch high. Higher than that and he is declaring the size of his genitals which should only be known to his spouse. He also removed his robes, exposing his physique to the public."
Una didn’t know how to react to that, nor how to move past the fact that hair was symbolic for genitalia in this place. Now that she knew that, she started to understand why the women walked around with hair reaching their waist.
That damn hair of his, she thought. I knew it’d get us into trouble one day.
She waved her hands. “No, no, no. Chris didn’t—that wasn’t his intention.” Why did she always have to clean up after him? "Senator, I apologize on his behalf. It was disrespectful of us to be ignorant of your customs. There is no excuse for it. But is there any way for me to secure his release?” Una would beam him out of there if she could, but this planet was warp capable and would definitely have ways to prevent their prisoners from disappearing.
Lima stared at her thoughtfully, considering her request. “Where did you say you were from, Una?”
“I didn’t.”
The senator sent her a knowing smile. “You are from another planet. I can tell. I saw the two of you at the stall earlier.”
“Yes.”
“You treat him like your equal."
"Because he is. Chris is..." Well, Una didn't quite know what Chris was to her yet. "He is important to me."
"We’ve had tourists outside Madrina before. They've never lasted long, they could never accept our ways. I admit that their criticisms of how we treat our male population has made me wonder if it is time for us to start a conversation about equality." She crossed her arms. “I’ll see what I can do.”
.
.
.
“Chris!”
Pike stood as Una walked into his cell. She had brought a woman with her and from the looks of it, she was an influential woman. The guards had even nodded their head in deference.
"Thank you for letting us see my husband," Una said to the guard.
The guard glanced at Pike and then back at Una like she didn’t quite understand. “This man is your husband?”
Una nodded.
“This slutty man?” the guard asked again, looking at Pike like he was the most immoral thing she’d ever seen.
“Excuse me?” Pike sputtered, gaping at the guard. Nobody had ever called him slutty to his face before.
Una leaned close to him and hissed, "Universal translator. Not entirely accurate."
Senator Lima turned to the guard and said, "Could you give us a moment alone?"
The guard bowed and left, but not without another glower at Chris.
Once they were alone, Una quickly made the introductions.
"Senator, this is Christopher Pike. Chris, this is Senator Lima. She's processing your release."
“Hi, nice to meet you," Chris said, offering his hand to Lima who stared at it, unsure of what to do. At the subtle shake of Una's head, Chris put his hand down. "Can somebody tell me why I was arrested and called promiscuous? I was very well behaved."
This time Una laughed. Now that she was sure she would be able to get Pike out of here in one piece with his hair intact, she couldn't help but find it all so amusing. It was terrible, of course, considering this was what men had to deal with in this planet on a daily basis. But it wasn't lost on her that this happened to Chris who was very particular about his hair and his clothes.
"You have been charged with public displays of indecency, Chris," explained Lima.
“What?”
Una nodded, bringing her hands to his hair and mussing it up. “Apparently, your hair is too high and your clothes are too tight.”
“What?” Pike said again. That was just ridiculous!
Una parted his hair all the while saying, “You, my darling, are a very lewd man.”
“What does my hair have to do with it?”
“In Madrina, hair is a phallic symbol.”
Pike exhale was deep, realization dawning. “And my hair just happens to be bigger than everybody else’s.” Then he pointed at Una's hair and addressed Lima. “What about her! She's the one with large bun on her head!”
“Females are allowed such liberties. Males are not." Lima looked at him apologetically. "It has been this way for centuries, although I now realize that we can do better. Besides, we don't want to keep locking up our tourists."
"You’re lucky they didn’t shave it off! I heard they do that.” Una frowned at his hair. It wouldn’t flatten under her palm. “How much product is in this?”
Pike swatted her hand away and tried to flatten it down on his own.
“It’s not working,” Una reached for her own bun and started taking out the hairpins there, her long hair tumbling down her back. “This will have to do. Unless you want them to shave it off.”
Pike didn’t look like he had much of a choice.
“Just don’t look like you’re enjoying this too much.” He told her with a reluctant smile.
Una chuckled and then inserted the pins to keep his hair down. While she did that, she told him about the other rules he had broken today.
“Your hair isn’t even the worst of it. When you took off your robes, you showed the Madrina the body underneath it.”
“We're wearing the same clothes!"
Una pointed at herself. "Female." Then at him, "Male." Her eyes raked over his form. He was in a long sleeved shirt which hugged at his arms and chest. His pants were tight, not improving his case at all (although Una didn’t mind all that much). “Some things are best left to the imagination, Chris.”
"It’s not my fault Ops gave me the medium and not the large!”
“Oh, please, you love wearing the medium!”
Pike admitted with a small cock of his head. “I do look good in it.”
“There.” Una surveyed her work. His thick hair was parted right in the middle and each side was restrained by hairpins. They looked like they would break free at any moment. Hopefully not in the next five minutes.
She resisted the urge to laugh at him. “You look ridiculous, but you shouldn’t be slutty anymore.”
“There's that word again,” he mumbled.
"Our guards are known for their bluntness," Lima glanced at the closed door and then back to them. "They will not be pleased that you are leaving without punishment. They will expect you to deliver it, Una."
"Me?"
"As he is your husband, he is your responsibility. They expect that you will discipline him."
"What do you suggest, Senator?"
"A sermon would suffice. The louder it is, the better they can hear it," Lima patted Una's back. "I'll leave you to it." She knocked on the door to have it opened and then left Una and Chris.
Una turned to Chris, an eyebrow raised. "Permission to discipline you, Commander."
Chris chuckled, shaking his head. "Just be gentle, Lieutenant"
Una nodded then cupped her mouth and in a loud voice cried, “YOU SLUTTY, SLUTTY MAN! HAVE YOU NO SHAME? YOU BRING DISHONOR TO ME AND YOUR HORSE!”
Chris gaped at her. "Really? You bring Tango into this?"
"You told me to be gentle."
Before Pike could reply, the door swung open again and Senator Lima and the same guard from before walked in. The latter wore a satisfied look on her face.
Lima handed Pike his stained robes which he promptly wore. Then she addressed Una. “You and your slutty husband are free to leave.” She followed that with a wink.
“Thank you, Senator. Rest assured that he will be severely punished when we get home.”
“Your slutty husband will need a good spanking,” the guard said, glaring at Pike.
Una resisted the urge to look at Chris’ face. “Yes, and he will. I will see to that myself.”
They walked out of the prison and as soon as they were out of earshot, Pike hissed at Una, “Not a word of this back on the ship.”
“But what will we tell Captain April? What will we put in the report?” Una asked, her tone almost too innocent to be genuinely concerned over starlogs. “Cultural differences led to the arrest of the first officer? Besides, I think Senator Lima is going to start a movement. You should be proud.”
Pike narrowed his eyes at her and then laughed. “I want a divorce, Lieutenant.”
“That makes the both of us.” She pulled him behind a large tree that would conceal them from view. She took out her communicator from her bag. “Beam us up.”