Chapter Text
Simon:
I come out of the office of Dr. Bunce happy. I always feel better after seeing her. Talking with her helps me relax and I'm less stressed about food and stuff. I feel like I could eat and keep the food inside. When I enter the room, Baz has already finished his drink and is reading on his bed. My tray is left untouched and I sit the start my meal.
Dr. Bunce and I have been working on a new way of eating. It consists in eating the first bites slowly and really trying to feel the taste, the texture of the food I'm eating. I've seen greater things than hospital food but I'll take it. Today, it's chips and French beans. I take one chip and eat it slowly. It's hot, a little bit crispy, but the inside feels like sand. It tastes a little bit like potato, a lot like nothing. I eat another chip. Slowly, Simon. You have all the time in the world. It's not a competition. Listening to music helps me so I put on my special playlist, and Baz raises his head from his book. I swallow before asking :
"Does the music bother you?"
The prick is going to tell me to turn it down and I will eat like an animal and make myself vomit. This is useless.
"No. I'm just surprised you listen to the Arctic Monkeys, that's all."
Oh. I have an idea.
"Wanna grab a coffee and listen to the Arctic Monkeys while we're smoking ?"
Oh! Is it the hint of a smile that I see on his face?
"That's a date."
I smile, and it must be terrible because my mouth is full.
"I'll finish my meal and we can go."
He doesn't answer, but I feel like something magical just happened. I'm smiling like a moron, and it makes it difficult to eat. I try to eat slowly, but I'm so excited, it is hard. I don't even think about vomiting. Instead, I grab my jacket and my rolling tobacco pack, and tell him :
"Shall we go ?"
He slowly unfolds from his spot on his bed. He puts his book down and takes his jacket. I guess it's a yes. We go down the stairs slowly and in a comfortable silence. We're heading towards the coffee machine that's in the hall. I decide the do the honors and choose an Americano. Baz gives me a look that I can't describe. When my drink is ready, I take it and he chooses a cappuccino with extra sugar. It makes me smile. I find that adorable.
"Sweet tooth ?"
He doesn't look me in the eyes when he replies and I think I can see the hint of a blush on his cheeks.
"You could say that."
We walk towards one of the free benches in the park and sit. The first few minutes, we don't say anything. We sit in comfortable silence, slowly sipping our drinks. Then, I roll myself a cigarette and he watches me as I do it.
"Is it Camel ?"
I look at him, quite impressed.
"Yeah. How did you guess it ?"
"By the smell."
I light my cigarette. He stares at me and I don't know if I should be uneasy but it feels good to have someone's eyes on me. Finally, I have your attention, Baz Pitch. He takes his e-cigarette out.
"What taste have you put in it ?"
"Caramel."
I must have a disgusted look on my face because he tries to defend himself.
"So what? It reminds me of Amsterdamer and the good old days of university."
"You went to uni ?"
"Yeah."
"What did you major in ?"
"English lit"
I chuckle and smile at his answer. He looks quite offended.
"What? Do you find that ridiculous ?"
"No, it's just that I could have guessed it judging by the books you have and how much writing you do."
"Oh."
Didn't think I'll notice that, Baz Pitch? I'm just starting to know you but I want to learn you by heart. Now, he's fully blushing.
"So Arctic Monkeys …."
And let's change the subject. I can't help but smile.
"Are they your favorite band ?"
"Oh no. I enjoy listening to them but I prefer oldies like Lou Reed, Bowie, or The Modern Lovers. And you ?"
"Same as you. I enjoy listening to them but I prefer desperate love songs like "Can't take my eyes off you"."
"You're just too good to be true."
I smile at his answer. I think you could sing a duet. We would be wonderful.
Baz:
I don't know what got hold of me but I could sing a proper love song right now. Simon's been beaming since we sat on that bench, no, even since we've got to the coffee machine. I think this could mean it's going well. Oh Crowley, what have I got into?
"Does my music bother you when you read ?"
"No, it's okay, I enjoy it."
"You know, you can say no and I won't be offended. You don't have to please me by saying yes. This isn't an exam where you have to charm the jury."
I look at him dumbfounded. It's like he can see right through me with his blue eyes. I feel like I'm naked and that makes me uncomfortable, but at the same time, he said the right words, the ones I needed to hear.
"Oh, I have an idea! Let's make a playlist !"
I'm still shivering from what he said earlier so my brain doesn't catch up, and I finally understand what he meant as he takes his phone out, and opens Spotify.
"You want to make a playlist right now, out of the blue ?"
I usually have to get in the mood to make a playlist. I choose the song according to whatever I'm feeling at the moment. But Simon is magic and I'm feeling lightheaded. I don't know if it's the cigarette he's holding, the way his mouth closes around it, or his enthusiasm.
"Let's make a playlist together so we agree on the songs we can play out loud in our room."
That's a brilliant idea. But I don't say it. It's not easy for me to compliment someone.
"Okay. Let's do it."
We spend the next hour bickering gently about songs. He has grandpa taste and I love it. It's like he doesn't fit right into this world, into this timelapse. I put some tender love songs and some very gay ones so I hope he gets the message. I can't afford to say things, he has to understand the signs I'm giving him. I hope he gets them. I want him to get it so badly.
We go back to our room, bickering about the songs we want to put in our playlist. I think we argue just for the sake of arguing. Because we don't want this moment to end so we find new ways of arguing. Then, when we enter the room, it hits me like a truck. It's seven pm so dinner is in half an hour. I will have to eat.
It was so good, escaping reality with Simon Snow. He has the name of a knight and he looks the part. He could distract me for a few hours so I will not have to think about food but I think he can't rescue me. I'm no princess waiting at the top of a tower, I'm a monster. I'm cursed. Nobody can't rescue me but myself.
My fears come back. I feel nauseous and I fear that I will put on weight. My body is already hideous, just imagine how it will be if I put on weight. Sometimes, I don't think like a proper human being but more like a character coming right out of a Picasso's painting. The proportions of my body are completely off and I'm torn apart. Nothing makes sense to me when I look into the mirror.
The thing is, I'm tired. I'm tired of being scared by food. I live in fear, and I'm tired of it. I'm thinking about it every second of my waking moments. And I have nightmares about it too. I don't really have a break from it, to be honest. Except when Simon Snow comes bargain in my life. He's hopeful, kind, sweet. I can dream with him. I can dream of another life, a magical life, where we could be soulmates. I want him to be my soulmate. I want his soft belly, his broad shoulders, his kind eyes, his tender heart. And I want the things I don't know about him. I want him when he's angry, when he's tired, when he's petty, when he's sad. I want the worst and the best of him. I want to see it all, and at the end of the day, he can put his head on my shoulder and call me "babe". I've got a feeling that Simon calls his loved one "babe".
I decide to put on some music (I've got a brand new playlist that I've got to listen to) and to read. It's a tactic that Dr. Wellbelove gave me. Reading and listening to music distracts me from the fact that I have to eat so it gets less stressful. We're waiting for the food to arrive, sitting at our desks, next to each other. I want to watch Simon, to see how he feels. But when I raise my eyes from my book, I see that he watches me. He smiles, shyly, and holds his palm open for me. I can barely breath. I put my hand in his, and he smiles like a thousand suns. He is a thousand suns. I want to revolve around him.
Simon:
I enter Dr. Bunce's office with a very important question: "Do you think I'm ready for love ?"