Chapter Text
Simon :
I close the door to my apartement, breathing a little bit lighter now that the journey has ended. It feels weird. It’s a new chapter in my life, the one where I’m trying to be okay while being outside of the hospital. I should be happy. But my apartment feels empty without Baz and his books. There’s too much space in my bathroom’s cupboards. There’s too much space on my nightstand, without the one or three books that Baz wanted me to read. There’s too much space in my bedroom without Baz’s bed.
When I got home, the first thing I did was sit on the couch and look around me. This space didn’t feel familiar. It was like I expected to be home with Baz after visiting an apartment. But no, this is my home now. And there’s no going back to the hospital.
I wonder if Baz will like it. I can already hear him criticising the way I line up my bathroom products. I almost want him to be right here and to visit my apartment with him so he can be a bitch for thirty minutes. I think I just want to hear him talk. I miss him. I miss him so much. Being in love sucks.
Suddenly, I have an idea. There’s a way for Baz to visit my apartment even if he’s still at the hospital. I reach out for my phone. One second later, I’m video calling Baz, trying to sort my hair out before he answers. He declines my first call but answer my second one. My hair is still a mess.
“Hello Baz ! How are you ?”
He doesn’t look fine. His eyes are almost red and puffy. Oh my God, has he been crying ? That’s why he wouldn’t answer my first call ?
“Darling, are you okay ?”
I’m usually not comfortable at all with PTSD. But maybe it doesn’t count because Baz and I are not together. I don’t know. It feels right to call him darling or babe. I like the sensation in my chest.
“No, I’m not. You left for one hour and I’m already a mess. It’s your fault, Snow.”
I feel guilty. But at the same time, there’s nothing wrong with me getting better. Baz was the first one to celebrate when I told him I could leave the hospital. Our lives are meant to be spend outside of the hospital. I don’t want to go back there with him. I want him to get better so he can go outside with me.
“Sweetie, you know that I would love to be with you right now. But you’ll have to get better so you can come and join me.”
“I hate it when you’re right.”
He seems to be lying on his bed, the camera facing him. His hair is as messy as mine and I love it this way. He looks soft with some curls around his face. His curls are beautiful. They’re really loose and they look like some kind of silky curtains around his face. And they’re dark so the light reflects nicely on them.
“So, tell me what are you planning on reading tonight.”
“Romeo and Juliet because the love of my life left me and I don’t know what to do.”
I wish he hadn’t say it as a joke. But Baz seems born to be a sarcastic bitch so I don’t get my hopes up. Damn, it hurts to be in love. It reminds me of a song by Y Kant Tori Read
“Fire on the side”. I sing along in my head :” Baby, it burns ! Baby it buuuurns to be a fire on the side !”. Right now, I’m set ablaze and Baz is watching me becoming ashes. As David Bowie said “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust”. I think the Bible was actually the first one who said that but who cares ? I’m just singing along in my head and nobody can stop me.
I would like for Baz to be here to stop me. Sometimes, I lose touch with reality because I’m thinking too much. But not with Baz. With Baz, I’m so eager to spend time with him that I don’t get lost in my thoughts. Baz is a kind of anchor for me.
Damn, I love him.
Baz :
Damn, I love him.
My room feels empty without Snow and his mess. He doesn’t have much but he find ways to put his things everywhere in the room so that I don’t forget that I have a nightmare of a roommate. Now, it stinks to find my desk empty, without a Nintendo Switch and two pairs of socks. We played so much games with this Nintendo. I loved destroying Snow at Mariokart.
Who will throw my empty shampoo bottles in the bin because I always forget to ? Who will grunt when I put on The Smiths because I feel blue ? Who will listen to me while I ramble about the last book I read ?
Maybe, I’m a little bit dramatic. Snow is not dead, he’s just at home. He can still visit me. I want to see him as soon as possible.
“When will you come visit me ?”
“Maybe tomorrow ? I still don’t have a job so I could stay for a little while.”
I love this idiot. He got fired of his last job as a barman because he got into a fight with some customers. I don’t know why. He wouldn’t tell me. I’m deadly curious though.
“Will you tell me why you got fired at your last job ?”
He pouts. Oh my God, that’s the cutest thing I was able to see to this day.
“ I don’t want to talk about it. Tell me about the last book you read.”
I roll my eyes because he’s so obvious. But I still lean in.
“So, it’s a story about a girl who’s gone missing.”
I just finish my sentence as a nurse enters my room and puts a plate and a fruit on my desk. I’m back to normal food. No more drinks for me. My therapist thinks that I’m ready to face some of my fears. I was able to eat some fruits off Simon’s plate. Because he was holding my hand and encouraging me.
When I’m with him, I feel like everything is possible. I could be cured tomorrow and go on in my life with Simon Snow. I could stay with him forever and continue uni. I could marry him and get the job of my dream. So one grape after the other, I started eating solid food again. Only fruits. And of course, I got cocky and talked about it to my therapist. I hate myself.
“Baz, are you okay ?”
I go back to reality and Simon must have been calling me for a few minutes because he got a worried look on his face. I show him the plate and he grunts.
“Yikes. Do you feel like eating ?”
“Maybe I could eat half of an apple if you call me darling.”
I’m not joking. I would do anything for him to call me darling.
“ Please darling. I wish I was here for you.”
Damn, it feels so good.
Simon:
I see him, trying to eat the quarter of an apple. He’s really struggling, and it breaks my heart. I would like to be here to comfort him. Eating seems painful for him.
“Maybe cut in into smaller bits ?”
I’m doing what I can for help but I don’t know if it’s really working. I want to take his pain, I’m strong enough. I wish there was a magical way to fix this.
He’s cutting his apple in smaller slices. He’s eating them one after the one. Step by step, little by little, I’m sure he’ll get better. It may take a really long time, but it will be worth it. Twenty minutes later, he finishes his apple. I’m really proud of him so I tell him :
“That was very brave of you. Hats off !”
I’m beaming when I see the smallest hint of a smile on his lips. I know it costs him a lot. So I have to congratulate him because what he did was huge. He used to eat only half an apple when I was with him. And now, he can eat a full one on each meal. That means three apple a day.
He looks at me right in the eye, and tell me :
“Your turn.”
I carry my phone (and Baz, I wish I could carry Baz in my arms) in my kitchen and put it on the table. Baz has a full view of the smallest kitchen in the world. The water for the pasta is boiling. I put them into the pan and goes on talking to Baz. I ramble about my day (I haven’t done anything, except smoking and unpacking, but Baz seems interested, not bored). I’m bored. My life is boring.
Since I’ve left the hospital, I can’t help but feel empty inside. It is as if there was something eating all the joy and happy memories and leaving behind nothing but ashes and dust. There’s almost no word for describing what I’m feeling except empty. I feel like carrying a black hole inside of me.
I miss Baz. I miss his smile, his hair, his scent, his books. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling empty. Because I left a part of me at the hospital. I don’t know. I’ve known Baz for three months. It’s a bit quick to be heavily involved in our relationship. I know I’m too impulsive, I’ve always been. Maybe that’s why I’m rushing things.
To be honest, I don’t have any answer. The only thing I’m sure of, is that I’m involved in a complex one sided-love story. Because there’s no way Baz likes me back. I don’t actually know if he’s attracted to boys, and even if he was, he could pick somebody who is less troublesome than me. Somebody who could bring him love, peace and quiet. I can’t even love myself, so I really doubt that I will be able to love someone else someday. I like Baz but I don’t love him the way he should be loved.
But I’m fine being single. I can shower Baz with all of my affection as if we were into a friendly relationship (not a desperately platonic one). It makes me feel good, being gentle with him. He deserves all of this and more. He deserves roses on Valentine day, breakfast in bed, holidays in Venice…
Moreover, I would not fit into his life. He’s all posh and good manners, meanwhile, I’m having a hard time to remember to close my mouth when I chew. His dad would hate me. Everything will be awkward. In a few weeks, he’ll be ashamed of me and next thing I know, I’ll be packing up my backpack. It would be a disaster.
Baz:
The moment Simon hangs up, I stop smiling. There’s nobody in there so who am I going to smile for ? Besides, I’m not used to smiling and my cheeks hurt. Like my heart. Everything hurts. Especially my stomach.
I try not to think about what I’ve eaten. So I don’t feel guilty of something. It was easier when Simon was right next to me. I just had to look at his freckles and wonder how many he had on his cheeks (84 since you’re asking) and I was mesmerized by him. I had no time to think about the apple I’ve eaten. But now that I am alone, it gets more complicated.
I try to read. I pick up a book. I see the words on the page but I’m not really reading. I try to focus. I even try to read out loud. But it’s not working. I want to scream, to break something in two, to slam my head on the wall.
I go outside for a smoke. I know Dr Wellbelove would be angry right now because I’m not acknowledging my emotions. But, if you forgive me, fuck Dr Wellbelove. I don’t have Simon and I’m a mess. Maybe if I had confessed, everything would be different. Maybe a kiss from him would have calmed my anxiety.
I slam the door on my way out. I could break this fucking door right now. I switch on my e cigarette. Damn, I would give anything for a real cigarette right now. This one smells like peach, and I usually love that but right now, it’s too sweet. Everything should be sour and bitter because there’s no way I’m having Simon Snow in my bed tonight. And I really want to cuddle. Fuck this world, I hate this shit.
I’ve eaten an apple today. A full one. Which means that I’m going to have to work out more in order to burn the calories. I want to be slimer. I want to be so slim, I could disappear, and nobody would search for me. God damn, why am I so ugly ?
“Are you okay ?”
Great, now someone is talking to me. I hate people, I hate everything on this fucking earth. I hate the fact that I have to eat, I hate the fact that I’m ill, I hate my life.
“You’re shaking, are you sure it’s alright ?”
Yes, I’m shaking. Yes, I’m crying. Yes, I’m having a panic attack. You’ve figured it out. Bravo !
And the world goes black.