Chapter Text
It was funny how someone could say something to you without even thinking, and you could have a hard time forgetting it.
“Are you gonna come to the party?” Garrett had asked Bram after school, two weeks into October.
“Probably not,” Bram had said.
Garrett had rolled his eyes. “You never do anything.”
He hadn’t meant it in a mean way, not really. Bram did plenty of things. It was just light commentary on his friend’s lack of willingness to go to his Halloween party. Bram had known that Garrett would be disappointed, especially because Leah was apparently going to be there, which he was nervous about.
You never do anything.
But Simon was also going to be there, too, apparently.
So, Bram thought he was better off sitting this one out, anyway.
**
Bram was still thinking about this conversation as he got to first period one morning a few days later, a little more than a week before Halloween.
“Are you guys ready for this?” Mr. Wise asked the class after the bell rang, as he began passing out mustard-yellow pieces of paper (licking his finger every time, gross).
Oh. Right. The Twelfth Night project. He had warned them that they were going to go over the requirements of that today. All Bram knew about it was that it was supposed to take most of the rest of this semester, and that it would end up being like a quarter of their grade. Just great.
“I really do think you will all like this play,” Mr. Wise continued. “I think – especially for your generation—it will be very interesting. It has some interesting thoughts on gender roles, and even arguably sexual identity.”
A few giggles in the back. Come on, grow up.
“Shakespeare truly was ahead of his time,” Mr. Wise said, ignoring the giggles.
Bram thought that he was probably overselling it, but fine. There were certainly more boring themes.
Eve passed him the yellow papers that Mr. Wise had given to their row. He took one, then passed them along to Abby Suso.
On the paper was a project outline and a rubric. One word caught Bram’s eyes right away: partners.
Great. Bram hated group and partner projects. You had to depend on someone else for your own grade. Or do way too much work yourself.
Mr. Wise droned on about the requirements for a few minutes: essays, literary analysis, presentation, blah blah blah.
Finally, as he seemed to be losing his train of thought, Abby stuck her hand up. “Do we get to pick our partners?” she asked when he called on her.
“Ah,” Mr. Wise said, smirking. “The golden question. Hmm…I can actually feel the anticipation in the room. Will it be yes or no?”
Oh, come on. Just tell them.
“Yes,” he continued. “You can pick your partners.”
“Yes!” a few people in the back whispered.
“But,” Mr. Wise said again. “It cannot be one of the people you worked on the Scarlet Letter assignment with.”
A few groans. Their first two weeks of school had been dedicated to that project. This class was heinous.
Bram had worked with Garrett and Nick Eisner. He looked around, surveying his options.
“Keep in mind, you’re going to have to be spending a lot of time in class – and possibly out – working with this person. You have until Friday to tell me who your partner will be. Choose wisely.”
Mr. Wise smiled at them. He probably thought it was reassuring. “I really do think you guys might like this one. There are so many misunderstandings, and it’s very silly at times, though there is some melodrama. But I hope, at least, you’ll have fun.”
**
At lunch, their table was ablaze with complaints about the project.
“Why didn’t he tell us this when we did the Scarlet Letter thing?” Leah asked the table. “This one’s more important. We might have picked our partners differently then.”
“Hey,” Anna, who was her partner for this new project, said.
“Oh, you know what I mean,” Leah said. “We’ll be fine. You’re a great partner. But it’s still seems unfair that we didn’t get warning. Some people are probably gonna be stuck.”
“Yeah,” Simon said. “I haven’t figured out who I’m gonna ask. Someone chose Abby instead of me.” He mock-glared at Nick, who shrugged exaggeratedly.
“I’m just way cuter,” Abby said. Nick looked down and flushed a bit.
Simon didn’t have a partner yet, either.
You never do anything.
You never do anything.
You never do anything.
Bram didn’t know what made him to it. But all of the sudden, he found himself speaking.
“I, uh,” he said, then cleared his throat. Their heads all turned to him. “I…don’t have a partner yet, either, Simon, if, uh, if you want to…”
He wasn’t sure he had ever said Simon’s name out loud to his face, before. He felt himself growing red, and wished he had just kept his mouth shut. Why had he done that?
“Oh,” Simon said, eyes widening a bit. He seemed shocked that Bram had spoken up, which Bram guessed that he couldn’t blame him for. “Yeah, okay. That would be great, Bram. You want to?”
“Yeah,” Bram said. “Yeah…let’s do it.”
What had he just done?
**
To the surprise of probably no one ever, the first class time Bram and Simon spent talking about the project – Mr. Wise had designated the last ten minutes of class on Friday – was a little awkward.
“I’m almost finished with Act I,” Simon said. “That Shakespearean language is just…ugh, sometimes, you know? I basically have to have No Fear Shakespeare open on my browser the whole time.”
“Oh, okay,” Bram said. He had finished the play the night before. It wasn’t that long, though he did not have play rehearsal every day after school like he knew Simon did.
“I already read the SparkNotes summary, though,” Simon said after a pause (always a pause), smiling an embarrassed smile that made Bram feel all shaky inside. “I’m still gonna read the whole play, obviously. It just…helps.”
“Yeah,” Bram said, though he had not used SparkNotes. (He had opened No Fear Shakespeare a few times, admittedly.)
“This play is weird, right?” Simon said, clearly trying to figure out a way to break up the awkwardness. “Like, what the hell? I know it’s supposed to be all exaggerated and unrealistic, but come the fuck on. Viola gets shipwrecked, and she falls in love with the Duke. But the Duke loves Olivia. But then Olivia falls for Viola, because she disguises herself as her twin brother? It’s batshit, right? I’m not alone here?”
Bram considered his response carefully.
“You’re -- you’re not alone,” said Bram, beyond charmed. “It’s more than kind of unrealistic. All the -- the mistaken identity stuff.”
This was probably the most he had ever said to Simon at once.
“Seriously,” Simon said. “It’s ridiculous. And, like, Olivia might be a lesbian. Or bi.”
Bram laughed, probably too loudly, but Simon did not seem to notice. He actually looked a little pleased with himself.
“You’re probably right,” Bram said. He felt his cheeks get hot, but only a bit.
Here he was, talking to Simon Spier about a fictional character possibly being queer, and it…could be going worse. The thing was that, as nervous as Simon had always made Bram, he was so naturally charismatic that this was not as hard as he thought it might be.
“So, we have to pick a theme for our presentation,” Simon said.
“Yeah,” Bram said. “There’re…there’re the big ones like gender and ambition. Or we could pick a specific character to talk about. Or…”
And he couldn’t believe it, but for the next few minutes he had a perfectly normal discussion with Simon. It wasn’t lively or fun or anything like that, but information was conveyed both ways, and they came up with a tentative plan for their project. Bram even made a (tiny) joke about doing a presentation about how implausible the play’s plot was, and Simon had chuckled politely.
He’d made him laugh. Even if politely.
To most people, this probably wouldn’t be such a big deal. But to Bram, this felt downright terrifying.
He felt brave. He wondered what made him feel this way, and he thought of Jacques. Emailing Jacques recently had made him feel like a different person. Maybe that had something to do with it.
But it all went to hell just after the bell rang.
“Hey, you’re gonna be at Garrett’s party next week, right?” Simon asked him as they were gathering up their books.
And Bram didn’t know what happened next happened, either. He had fully planned to spend next Friday eating Reese’s on his couch, flipping through the channels for the best scary movie on.
It’s not like Simon was even asking for any reason but to make conversation. It’s not like he was especially concerned about the answer. But for some reason, him phrasing it like that, like he expected Bram to say yes, made Bram lose his damn mind.
“Yeah,” he told Simon. “I’ll be there.”
**
He didn’t really know why he lied to Jacques on the morning of Halloween. He definitely didn’t plan it.
The thing was, two days before, Bram had sent him a benign email saying that he wasn’t dressing up for Halloween (that was true enough; he was planning to wear an asshole shirt from Walmart that said “THIS IS A COSTUME,” and he couldn’t exactly explain that to Jacques). But he had immediately regretted sending it, as it implicitly invited Jacques to question him further, which he did, last night.
Don’t you realize you’re throwing away the perfect opportunity to be someone else for an evening?
Yes, Bram did realize that. But he was going to have his work cut out for him just trying to be himself at the party, never mind anybody else.
He could have easily just responded with the comment about Blue being his secret identity and the story about the Green Lantern costume, and that would have been fine. He and Jacques did not have the type of relationship that would cause Jacques to interrogate him about his plans for the night.
So, no, he really couldn’t explain why he lied. But somehow, he found himself typing, …because I’m not going out. My mom has some sort of work party, so I’m stuck at home on chocolate duty…
Those had been his original plans. But they weren’t anymore, so why did he bother?
It had something to do with protecting himself, he knew. It often did with him.
Okay. Okay. Maybe he could explain. Kind of. He just really did not want Jacques to know who he was, because, what would happen then? Who would he email then? Whose advice would he ask when he finally decided to do that Coming Out Thing he had been contemplating for months? And who would he explain his hurt to if his parents’ reactions were not what he wanted them to be?
It just seemed like the safest thing to do to keep his pen-pal was to make sure that he didn’t know who he was. And if Jacques was at the party and saw Bram, then he would think that “Blue” couldn’t be Bram, because Blue was at home. And it’s not as though it was some huge lie. It didn’t have to be a lie at all, really. He had sent Jacques the email before school, and “Blue” could easily have changed his plans at some point in the day.
Lying lying lying lying.
And it also probably had something to do with Simon, too. It often did with him.
Simon was definitely going to be at the Halloween party.
And look, he didn’t actually think there was a very good chance that Simon Spier was Jacques. But he couldn’t ignore the highly unrealistic, but persistent, possibility. Simon was the kind of person who would probably be disappointed that someone wasn’t wearing a Halloween costume. And he had dated girls, like Jacques had. And sometimes he found himself reading Jacques’s emails and hearing Simon’s voice…
Ugh, look, he was working on it, okay?
**
He didn’t get to Garrett’s house until nearly 10. Garrett had been amused earlier in the week when he’d told him that he was going to the party after all, but hadn’t asked questions.
When he walked in, his eyes immediately found Simon. He was sitting against his wall, very close to Leah Burke, and he had his arm around her.
Bram knew that they had always been close friends, and had often wondered if there was more to it than that. He didn’t quite know what to make of this.
So, he took the beer that Garrett was handing him, and went to hang out with Marcus and Ryan from the soccer team in the kitchen.
They talked about their team’s chances for the upcoming season and who would make varsity. It was fine and all, but Bram couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing here, exactly. Every time someone came up to them, they would make a sarcastic comment about his lack of a real costume, and the beer just wasn’t helping improve matters as much as he might have hoped.
And his eyes just kept getting drawn across the room to where Simon and Leah and that group was. He wished he could be over there. But he also didn’t. A couple times, he thought he might have made eye contact with Simon, but he was sure it was just his nerves and the beer.
After less than an hour there, Bram was considering just going home. But then he heard his name.
“Hey Greenfeld!” It was Garrett. “Get over here!”
Bram turned, and of course, Garrett was standing with Simon’s group. He probably wanted a wingman with Leah or something. He walked toward them. Martin Addison was sitting with them too, which struck Bram as a bit odd.
“Hey,” he said awkwardly to them as he approached.
A couple of them murmured “Hey” back. But it was Simon (whose arm was still around Leah) who chose to give him a real greeting.
“It’s Bram!” he said loudly. “Bram Greenfield. I mean Greenfeld. My Bram Greenfeld. I mean, my partner Bram Greenfeld. For the Twelfth Night project thingy.”
Simon was blushing, and now so was Bram, probably. My Bram Greenfeld. Woah.
“He’s had one beer,” Leah explained.
“Just one?” Bram asked, as though he thought this absurd. But really, he thought it was adorable.
“Hey, now,” Simon said, smiling at him. Bram smiled back.
“I was just saying to Leah,” Garrett interrupted whatever was going on there. “That you used to be into reading anime too.”
“You don’t read anime,” Leah said. “You watch it. You read manga.”
“Oh,” Garrett said. Honestly, how was he supposed to be his wingman if Garrett was paying so little attention to whatever Leah was saying?
“I haven’t in a few years,” Bram said, his voice too quiet even to his own ears. He could feel Simon’s eyes on him.
He looked at Leah and noticed what she was wearing for the first time. “Oh, you’re what’s-her-name. From…from Fruits Basket?”
“Yeah,” Leah said, looking surprised. “Tohru.”
“Oh, right,” Bram said. “That’s so cool.”
“Where’s your costume?” Simon asked. A very small part of him wondered whether Simon had already asked him that last night, but he squashed it down.
“Oh...I hadn’t planned on coming, so…”
“Oh,” Simon said. “Okay.”
There was a couple seconds of awkward silence, and then Leah asked him his opinion about something about Fruits Basket. They talked about this for a couple minutes, but it fizzled out.
“I think I’m taking off,” Bram said to Garrett.
“Okay, man,” Garrett said. “Thanks for actually showing up.” He winked at him. Bram rolled his eyes, waved at the rest of them, and left.
**
“So, the party on Friday was fun, right?” Simon asked him on Monday.
They were using the designated time that Mr. Wise was trying to give them a couple times a week to work on their project. They were supposed to be discussing their essay topics, though obviously no one really was.
“Yeah,” Bram said. “It was.”
“Right,” Simon said. “Okay, this is gonna sound extremely awkward, especially because I know we don’t really know each other…but there’s something I couldn’t help but notice.”
Oh no no no no no no no no no no no shit shit shit shit.
“Okay?”
“Just, like, it seemed like at the party you were kind of looking in our direction a lot. And I was wondering – I can’t even believe I’m even saying this to you -- “
Here it came.
“—but with that, and like, all the anime stuff, do you, like…like Leah?”
Wait.
Bram didn’t know what his face showed at that moment (blank shock?), but whatever it was must have made Simon want to clarify.
“It’s just, look, I’ve known Leah forever. And she…she’s awesome, you know? But she would never realize it if you were trying to flirt with her or whatever at the party. I could...help, or something? I don’t know.”
Wait.
“So…am I right? Sorry, this is so fucking awkward, but I mean, you were kind of staring and…”
He'd noticed.
"Yeah,” Bram found himself saying. “Yeah, I guess you’re right…”
And to think, just two weeks ago he and Simon had been mocking the implausibility of Twelfth Night.
His apologies to Shakespeare.
To Be Continued