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Fili found him right where he expected to -- firing arrows into a wide array of dummies set up in the training yard. He waited for Kili to finish up his intricate attack -- ended only because he ran out of arrows -- before he approached him.
"Uncle says you are preparing for a journey."
Kili froze in retrieving arrows from his targets before he sighed and returned to his task at hand. "Not until after the wedding. Fear not, brother, I will be at your side where I belong as vows are said and future deals are cemented."
Fili winced. He couldn't recall Kili ever sounding so bitter, or so sad before. "Talk to me, Kili. In the past, you have never kept words from me, but it seems like these last two weeks I have seen less of you than in our entire lives put together."
"Things have been unusually busy," Kili replied, never looking at his brother. "I have not needed to avoid you as things and people have been happy to make that happen for us."
"Where are you going, Kili?"
Kili wasn't sure he wanted to answer, but he owed his brother that much information at least. "Maybe back to Ered Luin, maybe I will travel to Rivendell or to Rohan to see the horse masters."
That did not sound at all good. It sounded like Kili meant to stay away for a long time is he was not sure which direction he would be traveling and each of those destinations was far away from Erebor and their mountain kingdom.
"How long will you be gone?"
"I don't know." He sighed, his shoulders slumping as if he had the weight of their world weighing him down. "For as long as it takes, I guess. Maybe longer."
That definitely sounded very, very bad. Fili swallowed past the lump of fear in his throat. "As long as what takes, nadadith?"
"And that's the blasted darkness of the situation, isn't it," Kili murmured, more to himself and Fili was sure he was not intended to hear it. "As long as it takes for it not to hurt anymore. As long as it takes for the pain to go away. As long as it takes for me to be able to look at myself in a reflective surface and not feel like I am the worst possible dwarf in the entire history of Middle Earth." He ducked his head. "As long as it takes for me to not feel like I am slowly dying inside."
Fili frowned, moving closer to Kili so he could place his hand on his shoulder. "Speak truth to me, Kili. You have never shut me out of your thoughts before."
"They have never been thoughts to invite your hate before."
That was not what he was expecting so he used the pressure of his hand to make Kili turn around and look at him. "No thoughts of yours could ever entice me to look upon you with hate, Kili."
"Never dare to say never, Nadad."
Fili frowned at him, really looking at him and noticing the dark circles under his eyes that he hadn't noticed before. And of the bruising and marks of their near death during the battle should have mostly faded from them both by now, a year later, but it looked like some things had still clung to Kili. There was a tightness at the corners of his eyes that didn't used to be there and he was now seeing that the laugh lines at Kili's mouth had faded.
What had happened that he hadn't noticed these changes? More importantly, why hadn't Kili come to him with his worries and problems like he always had before.
"Kili." It wasn't a request, and just like it always had, that tone of voice caused all of Kili's resistance to crumble.
"I hate this!" Kili snapped. "I hate the planning and the fact that every day brings us closer to the day that I lose you forever! Yes, I know we always knew that what we had between us would have to one day end because of duty and kingdoms and I thought I had accepted it. I thought I could handle it and let it be one day I have you and the next day I don't but I apparently am a weak dwarfling because I can't!" Kili batted angrily at his eyes, trying to keep Fili from seeing the tears he was fighting to hold back. "It hurts -- all the time. Every second.”
"Kili..."
"And the absolute orc of the matter is that I like her. If I had to pick someone for you that was not me, I would pick Sigrid. She's brave and fierce and from what I understand of human beauty, very beautiful. She’s intelligent and witty. She will fight at your side for everything that matters to both her and you." He pulled away from his brother, turning his back as he tried to regain his control. But even with his back to him, Fili could see the pain in the tremors that moved up Kili's spine and across his shoulders. "She's a warrior and a princess, just like mom, so she's the perfect mate for you. She'll give you everything you want and give you the children you need to cement your legacy and continue the line of Durin to rule Erebor."
"But?" Fili almost held his breath after he asked the question, wincing when he saw Kili's shoulders slump.
"But she's not me." There was a hitch in Kili's words and Fili didn't need to see his face to know that he was trying to hide that his tears were escaping. "I know, I know I have no right to you. We discussed this years ago the first time we acted on the feelings between us. And I know we both agreed that when the time came we would step back and do our duty to our line and our family. Back then, it seemed like an easy promise to make and I meant everything I said back then. I meant everything and I will keep the promises we made." He sniffled and Fili hated that sound of pain. "I just didn't know it would be this hard or that it would feel like a part of me is dying."
"Ones are not always meant to be physical or paired mates." His chest hurt when he said those words, wanting to know exactly what his brother was thinking. “Sometimes they are helpers and extensions of self.”
"I know," Kili whispered. "And one day I can slip back into the role of just being your brother and your friend, Fili. But right now..." Kili shook his head. "I need time and distance. I need... I need to retreat so I can lick my wounds and put myself back together. I can't do that here where seeing the two of you together every day would just scrape at me and leave me raw. And I can't be the person you need me to be until I can pull myself together."
"And what do you expect to happen in this time away, Kili?" Fili was burning from the pain in his brother's eyes and his voice. And though he knew what he wanted, he couldn't assume that he and Kili were on the same level with what they wanted?
"I... I expect that I will learn to be the brother that you need me to be and that you can trust to have your back and what is best for you and Erebor at all times."
"And right now you do not think that you can do that?"
Kili shook his head. "No," he whispered. "Not when each time I see her with you it makes me feel like I am dying inside. Not when I have to fight not to rip her out of your arms and take her place." His voice dropped. "Not when I am wishing every minute of every hour of every day that you looked at me like you now look at her."
"What do you expect that I need?"
"Someone who will put your wishes and the needs of Erebor and her people before his own needs and desires. Someone who will fight next to you and never let his feelings get in the way of doing his duty. Someone you know you can trust to put his life before yours to protect his King."
Fili shook his head. "I would never want my life saved at the cost of yours, Kili!"
"You've never really gotten a choice in that matter, Fili. I will always throw my life before yours no matter what role I hold." He shrugged slightly, not turning to look at Fili. "That's what a true brother, right hand of the king, and true One will always do. In that, at least, I have not failed you."
Fili couldn't take this any longer and grabbed Kili's shoulder and spun him around before kissing him roughly. There was not gentleness, just desire and desperation with too much teeth and the taste of blood. He pulled back, then shook Kili so violently that he let out a sharp cry of pain.
"Don't. Don't you dare to ever think that I would want you to meet with harm to protect me or Erebor! Do you not understand that the idea of you no longer being here or me no longer being able to touch you kills me inside?!" Kili tried to speak, but Fili shook him again. "I have been going through with this because I thought it was what I was supposed to do -- what you wanted. You stepped so far back as to almost be out of my sight!" He growled at his brother, so many emotions finally boiling over. "You never once disagreed with anything that was said or any plan I spoke of! I thought you were wanting to step away and find another! When it was stated that it was time for me to find a mate and marry I wasn't the only one that was surprised when you stayed silent."
"I don't understand?"
"You beautiful, daft bastard! Thorin, Mum, and Balin were all shocked when you said nothing! They thought we had long ago decided we were the future of each other and when you let them start making negotiations with Dale..."
"I didn't know I was allowed to have a say!" Kili's face had already been wet with tears and now fresh tears welled in his eyes. "Everyone was always discussing how it was time to make alliances for the good of the kingdom and strengthen our claim on Erebor for the future. Talking about how the Prince needed to prepare for the days when he would be king and responsible for the future heirs and livelihood of our family!"
"You are my future!" Fili roared, his blue eyes darkening. "Did you think I would honestly set you aside for someone else? For a wife?! Any wife?"
"Yes!" Kili yelled back, each word laced with the pain he had been holding in for weeks and months. "Yes, I did because you were clear about what would be expected of us! We discussed it so many times in the past because we knew where our duty lay for us in the future. How was I supposed to know you had changed your mind when for years it was understood and warned that we could not have each other forever!. Over and over again I was reminded that we could not have what we wanted or what my heart yearned for until the day I return to the stone!"
"Kili..."
"I burned and I bled, Fili. I knew what was expected because you told me. You told me I couldn't keep you. You warned me that what we had was not meant to last because we had both been marked by family and duty. It was you I listened to and you that I accepted the harshness of my reality from. How could I not? To refute what you warned me of would have caused tension and fighting and I did not want to waste whatever time I would be allowed to be yours and have you as mine with fights that would not change my circumstances in any way." He shook his head. "So yes, I did believe and I did think that you would set me aside for a wife because you had warned me long ago that the day would come when that was what you would have to do. You told me that nothing would change what you were to do as it was to be expected and I accepted. After all, you never make a vow you do not honor and you never say something that you do not mean."
"So all of this time you haven't said anything or voiced your pain and your wants because of something I said in the past?"
"Why would I, Fili?"
Kili's voice was soft but it was not less painful than if he had been yelling. The knowledge that Kili had been biting back his pain and his wants because of something Fili had said back when they had first given into their feelings and their desires burned at him. Something that he no longer believed in -- or even remembered saying. No, he didn't doubt he had said all of that to Kili. The words sounded exactly like something he would say: duty and not being able to keep something they wanted themselves because of what they owed someone or something else.
The thing was, though, after the first few times being able to hold Kili to him as he had always wanted; being able to trace his skin with his hands and tongue and hear all of the sounds he made... his mind changed. He no longer saw anything beyond the happiness he had found with Kili. He had vowed that no one and nothing would separate them. He would not allow Kili to be taken from him and it had been something he had been determined would not happen.
Until Kili started pulling away.
Until his eyes had taken on hardness he had never seen before and shadows formed beneath them.
Until he and Sigrid had been pushed together to try to make a match for the kingdom -- even though neither one of them were interested in the other like that. He and Sigrid were better as friends and companions than as a couple. Something that no one seemed to be surprised by.
Well, except for Kili. Kili obviously had not noticed anything like that and now Fili understood why Kili had grown so silent next to him as to be a shadow.
"Kili," he said quietly, reaching out to place his hand on his arm and tugging gently to make him respond to him. "I'm sorry. I don't know how many ways or times that I can say that, but I am. I should have realized that there was a deeper reason you had started pulling away. I don't remember saying those things to you, but I believe that I did say it. For that, I am sorrier than you know."
"You don't need to apologize to me, Fee," Kili said, shaking his head. "You never gave me false hope or false words. I knew from the very beginning that we couldn't have forever. It's not like I was blind to the reality of our situation and what we were allowed to hold onto for our own. As we've always been told, we are the royal princes of Erebor and we are held to a different standard than the rest of our kinsmen."
"That's not completely true, though, Kili," Fili corrected him. "I knew a very long time ago that I could never willingly let you go." He sighed, pulling his brother close to him. "Back then, I thought that I had to keep us focused on what we weren't supposed to be allowed to have. I knew you were my One and you knew I was your One. The fact that you loved me in the same way I loved you was a surprise to me, but something that I valued so damn much. I valued that above everything and I thought that I had to set boundaries to keep us from being hurt later in life because of everything we had been told that we needed to do. But then I decided I didn't care. I didn't care what we were told we could have and I was not ever letting you go."
"But why didn't you say anything? All of this time and that inevitability was hanging over my head. I would push it away and forget it for so long and then something would bring it back and I would remember and feel so blasted shaky about things until I could regain my balance. I believed that I would lose you at some time and maybe without any real warning."
Fili bit his lip, looking down at his feet for a moment before lifting his eyes back to Kili. "I was egotistical and prideful. I knew you loved me and that you would always be at my side. I mean, I knew you would always be with me because of our bond and the fact that you have always sworn to be my hand when I am king. I just thought that you would somehow know how much I wanted you and needed you and I didn't think I needed to say the words."
"But I did need the words, Fili," Kili said in a hurt voice. "I was living under the belief that there was a time that our relationship was going to have to end because of duty and expectations."
"I didn't think and I didn't realize that while I had decided to tell anyone who wanted to put expectations on me to shove off, you were still planning for the day we separated and our relationship would have to change." He ran a hand through his hair and then tugged at his beard in agitation. "Then we had the quest and finally the battle."
"The battle?"
"Aye. Do you remember our last night together before the battle?"
"Of course I do," he murmured. "We joined together as many times as we could before we collapsed in exhaustion. It was possibly our last night together and we were both feeling such panic and desperation to not waste any moment we had together.”
"That night, I was more afraid that I had ever been before."
"You've never been afraid of anything in your life, Fili."
"But I have been, Kili. There have been times I have been afraid or felt fear, but not as powerful as I did then. That night was when it all came crashing down on me that I was in real danger of losing you."
"You could never lose me, Fili. Even if I can't have you like I want to, I will always love you and always be at your side."
"I was afraid that you were going to die, Kili. There was so much against us and our army was so small that there was a real risk of one or the both of us dying. I was scared, so scared and all I wanted to do was grab you and run far away to where no battle could touch us."
"You may have thought it, but you never would have done something like that. It's not in your blood to leave family or to leave a battle no matter how much the odds are against us winning or even surviving."
"But I should have and the next day, during the battle, I wanted to."
"You were in your element that day, Fili, so strong and fierce. I thought nothing would ever be able to touch you... and that I could never be the prince that you were."
"That's because you were not there to see me fall apart and lose my head from grief."
Fili could tell from the confusion in Kili's eyes that he didn't understand and he pulled him close, touching their foreheads together, waiting as they both fell into a long held rhythm of matching breaths. When he inhaled, Kili exhaled and vice versa. It was something that they had done ever since they were children and worry or anxiety crept up on one of them.
"I lost sight of you during the battle, Kili. I didn't even know when we got separated, but suddenly, you were not there. Thorin noticed, too, and knew that we needed to have you near because the two of us have always been able to do more damage against an enemy when we are together. Dwalin stayed with Thorin and they both bade me to bring you back to our side."
"But you couldn't get to me, I know. Bolg had me on a cliff and his warriors were fighting our kin and none were able to see what was happening up there." Kili's voice was soft, soothing and Fili closed his eyes for a moment, just letting that feeling glide over him. "It was a splendid plan and much smarter than any I would usually have given an orc credit for. I wasn't upset with anyone for that. They had purposefully worked to separate all of us and it was just bad luck that they had managed to pull me so far away where no one would know to look for me."
"I saw you fighting them, Kili. I saw what was happening. I saw them backing you up and you so desperately fighting to save yourself -- never once looking around to see if any of us were coming to your aid. You were so strong and fierce and you knew that you didn't have a chance against all of them. I could see it in you, but you never backed down or gave up. I had just made it up to that cliff when I saw the first arrows hit you. You looked so confused for a moment and then another hit you. I don't think you really understood what was happening. It took two more arrows before you made a sound and it was so full of pain that I wanted to tear everything apart with my bare hands."
"Fili." Kili's voice was soft but still full of shock as he hadn't known Fili had seen any of that fight.
"I don't think that your body quite understood how much trauma had happened to it until he stabbed you with that spike."
"Spike? I don't remember that part."
"Oin said it was doubtful you even realized it because you were in so much pain from the other wounds and your body had started going into shock already. He stabbed down at you and when you collapsed, I lost my head. I went tearing up that cliff roaring a battle cry all the way. I don't even remember what happened just that there was pain and blood and I was hacking off pieces of orc as fast as I could. I no longer care what became of me because I could feel you leaving me and I knew I would not survive that." Fili swallowed, tightening his hand on the back of Kili's neck to keep their foreheads touching as he spoke. "When my haze of rage and grief finally cleared, I was slumped over your body. I hadn't even felt the sword that went into my back."
He heard the shocked cry from his brother and he pulled him close, hugging him tightly. They had never spoken of the things that they remembered from the battle because it had been too painful, too raw. He knew that Kili still had nightmares of the battle -- the first major one he had ever been in and the last if Fili had anything to say about it. But when Kili didn't talk about them, Fili didn't push, sure he was doing the right thing. However, now when he had come so close to losing his brother again and in a different way, he knew he would have to take care to ask the questions. He would have to say certain words more often.
"I didn't know you had been stabbed in the back because you came to aid me. Why did you not tell me?"
"Why did you not tell me how they had lured you away from us to trap you like that?" It was not a question that Fili had meant to ask, but thinking about it now, it was a question that made sense. How had they managed to separate Kili from where the rest of the Company had been fighting Azog and his men? How had the bastard son of Thorin's great enemy almost robbed them of the youngest Durin?
Kili sighed. "It did not seem important in the days after I was allowed to leave the Healing Wing," Kili murmured. "Not when there was so much to do."
"No, Nadadith. That answer is not satisfactory since I know you were not allowed to take on any duties for some time after you were allowed to come to our shared rooms. There was no labor or duty that you were required to do that would have made that information unimportant. Not even hearing about the negotiations between our kingdoms would have been a satisfactory answer to my question."
Kili was quiet for so long that Fili was sure he wasn't going to tell him. Then there was a soft sound of sadness. "I believed that they had ensnared you."
Of all of the things he had expected here, that was definitely not one of them. "Excuse me?"
"I lost sight of you for a moment -- only a moment -- and I know now that it was simply because some of the Orc had been trying to separate us. But when I couldn't see you I became frightened, something I could not allow to show. I heard them talking about the 'son of Oakenshield' and how they were going to use him to torment their leader's enemy. I heard a sound of pain and because they were saying that they had captured the one that meant the most to Oakenshield, I knew that they had you in their smelly hands. I couldn't allow them to hurt you."
"Kili! They could have been talking about their plans for either one of us! Uncle has always called us his sister-sons or like sons to him!" To think that his brother, his Kili, had only focused on their being one son of Oakenshield and almost dying to save him was almost more than he could bare. "They were laying bait for you... bait that they would have lay for me in that same way."
"That didn't even occur to me, Fili. Thorin has never differentiated between us in his affections, but you have always been known as his heir. So when I heard them cackling and hurting someone my mind shut down because I was sure that I was hearing them start to torture you. All I knew was that I had to get to you and free you before they caused you irreparable damage."
"But instead, you found it to be a trap."
Kili nodded. "It was a well-baited trap because the sounds of pain that I heard and thought were from you were from another dwarf. I did not recognize him, but I was very glad that it was not you I had heard being tortured and then watched die. When they surrounded me, all I could keep thinking was that at least they didn't get you."
"You are getting far too good at throwing your life before me, Kili."
"You would have done the same exact thing if you had thought it was me. In fact, you did lose your head and endanger yourself when you saw me fall."
"As I said, I could not live without you in this world. When I thought that they had robbed me of you being at my side I wanted to kill all of them. Thorin had just gutted Azog when he and Dwalin heard my battle cry and they came up the cliff with the rest of our company. There were none of Bolg's orcs that were on that cliff who were going to survive once Uncle saw us both laying there."
Kili shook his head. "I don't remember anything beyond the pain when I knew I was going to lose the fight. There were so many of them and they kept coming no matter how many I took down. Then when the archer entered into it..."
"I know." And he did. He had seen the desperation in his brother's movements as he tried to fight for his life. Even when the first two arrows hit him, he kept trying to fight even though he was badly wounded. "I came so close to losing you, Kili. When I saw you go down, I was sure that my heart was being ripped out of my chest and that the rest of my body just hadn't caught up to my death yet."
"I did not think that you would see that, Fili. In fact, I was glad that, as far as I knew, you were still fighting at the side of Thorin and watching his back."
"He had Dwalin to watch his back. You and I were supposed to be watching each other's backs as we had always done before."
"I was watching your back," Kili pointed out sadly. "At least, that was what I thought I was doing. I truly thought they had you and there was nothing else I could do but reveal myself to get you away."
"I would not have wanted that of you. I would have wanted you to go to where you were safe or return with the entire dwarven army at your back than to risk your life alone."
"Because you would have waited for reinforcements if you thought they had me in their grip and were torturing me to death?"
"We are not talking about me but about you."
"It does not work that way. You cannot risk all of yourself on my behalf and then be upset or surprised that I am cut from the same stone."
"Is that what you were doing by keeping your heart silent and going along with what you thought was expected of you due to a conversation had years ago?"
Kili stiffened slightly, but Fili refused to let him go and refused to allow him to pull away. "I would destroy all chance at a happiness of my own to make sure you have everything you ever desired and all of the happiness you deserve. That is what a One is supposed to think about and do. Isn't that what we had always been taught? You do what is best for your One no matter how much it may hurt?"
"I do not believe that hurting yourself even more and swallowing your love and pain was exactly what our family and teachers meant when they explained to us when were children, Kili."
"It is no less true, however. You are to be married to someone you genuinely like and care for. It is my responsibility not to get in the way of that. All I want is for you to live a long life and be happy."
"It is true that I am to be married to someone I love and truly like, but I think that you are quite mistaken in the nature of my upcoming wedding."
Kili shook his head. "Don't. There is no reason to try and soothe my feelings now that you know everything I have been hiding from you." He gave him a sad smile. "I saw her dress, she will be a very beautiful bride."
"Oh, I am certain that she will be, but she is not to be my bride." He smiled at Kili's look of confusion and tugged Kili over to the window. "Look there and tell me what you see."
Kili frowned at his brother, but decided to humor him and looked out the window. "I see Sigrid speaking with mom, and with her father, Bard."
"Look to the other side of Bard and tell me what you see."
"I see... is that Ori?!"
Fili laughed softly, pulling Kili away from the window. "Sigrid has held great affection for Ori for some time. She spends quite a few hours a day with him." Fili couldn't help grinning as he dropped the other shoe. "About as much time as her father spends with mom."
Kili stared at him as that information seeped into his very confused brain. "Are you saying... Amad and Bard?!"
Fili nodded. "Our kingdoms will be united but not with the wedding of a prince and princess. Dis, Princess of Erebor will be joining her life to Bard, King of Dale."
Kili pondered all of this. "And you are all right with Sigrid being wed with Ori?"
"I have never loved Sigrid, no matter what you believed, Kili. Not like I have always loved you. You have ever been the only one my heart wanted and the only one my soul would accept."
"What about Uncle?"
"Nadad, it was Thorin who told me that what was happening was wrong. There was no reason that we should be holding ourselves apart and trying to make our bond fit into a sheath it was not meant for." He huffed. "In fact he told me that I was being quite stone-headed to think of allowing you to be set aside to only be my guard and brother when anyone with eyes could see that we were destroying ourselves." He shook his head. "And Bilbo threatened to hit me in the head with his good pipe if I didn't come fix this mess I had managed to create."
"Bilbo loves that pipe!"
"Aye, but he was still quite willing to hit me with it."
Kili shook his head, still trying to process all of the information that he had been presented with. "What happens now?"
"Now? Well, now you move your belongings back into the room we were sharing and stop leaving me to sleep alone at night. And you promise me that you will never, ever do something like that again. You belong ever at my side, in my room, and in my bed, Kili. Just like you have ever been in my heart and a part of my soul." He cupped his hand against Kili's cheek. "I am sorry for my part in the pain you have been in my zyungel. I promise you that I will do my best to never fail in making sure that you know how important you are to me and what I feel for you." He nudged his cheek with his nose. "And I also promise that I will never again leave you alone with your thoughts for so long. Doing so causes more harm than is meant."
"I just wanted to do everything that I could to make sure that you were happy and content."
"I know, but without you I was neither and everyone noticed it. I am never happy without you, Kili, and I never will be. We were carved from stone to fit each other and I will not forget it or put it to the side for as long as I draw breath." He smiled sadly. "But you also must not allow yourself to feel relegated to nothing but a guard at my side. Yes, you are my right hand, but you are also the holder of my heart and I wish for you to make sure that you remember that for as long as you shall draw breath."
"Mâ akhùthuzhur zurkur ze."
"Mâ akhùthuzhur zurkur ze."
Fili watched as Kili smiled the first real smile he had seen in months and believed, finally, that everything was going to be mended between them again. It was a good start to the rest of their lives together.