Comment on The Silence Between Us

  1. softly_speaking_valkyrie on Chapter 1 Mon 25 Sep 2017 01:13PM UTC

    This shows some promise! Good setting and premise and I'm not going to lie but your relationship tags hooked me in as it's finally nice to see something where Pyrrha doesn't date Jaune. Valkos for life!!

    But as for criticism I have some thoughts.

    As a writer myself and English student, I have to inform you that whenever a different character is speaking they should do so on another paragraph, otherwise it can get instantly confusing as to who is speaking. Also why is Ruby brunette when her hair is black with red tips? The pacing is a little jump in places and could really benefit from some extended exposition, backstory, and feeling from some of the characters (for instance why is Weiss there? Where even are they? How did this all come about? What made Ruby want to run track?) just stuff to add in and give the story a little more meat to it. Short is fine, but stuffing makes readers really want chew on your story for longer than a quick skim.

    You switched tenses a few times, and it made the opening a little jarring. It's a common mistake but should be overcome with more experience. Try to stick to one tense, either present or past and keep at it. Even looking over your story once or twice can help before you upload to make sure you don't swap between past and then present.

    But on the whole I think you have a real knack for writing Ruby. She seems organic and just how she was in volumes 1-3 when the show was good. I quite enjoyed this and would love to it more developed and expanded, filled with more content in each chapter. I hope you maybe develop this some more into a fic as I think it's a really neat idea and could be a real gem in the fanfic scene for Rwby.

    Good luck and well done!

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    1. Yandere_RWBY on Chapter 1 Mon 25 Sep 2017 08:23PM UTC

      Thx! All in all, I wrote this in a hurry since I had to get to school, but I understand. Honestly I'm not a backstory writer since I expect most people to have some idea in ready the fic, but in future chapters I will add back stories and different chapters focusing on some side characters. Thanks for the comment, and I hope you have a great day :)

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      1. softly_speaking_valkyrie on Chapter 1 Mon 25 Sep 2017 08:24PM UTC

        No problem! This and yourself show a whole lot of promise! You got this!!

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        1. Yandere_RWBY on Chapter 1 Mon 25 Sep 2017 09:00PM UTC

          I'm very thankful. :)

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