I LOVE this.. I'll have to figure out how I can do that, because I would love to give writers feedback this way!
And I loved your review!
Yeah, I figure that "I dated twins once" is 100% a fabrication. I see the twins as basically chaotic neutral; they just occasionally say stuff they figure is fun or funny, irrespective of its relationship to reality.
The lines that refer to the war... it's in my head like it's in Ron's, so these don't jump out at me. Interesting/cool that they do for readers!
On the other hand, "not like the last time, is it?" was deliberately written to give the reader a jolt, even though Fleur is teasing Ron about "the last time you asked a girl", figuring it was Hermione and he was turned down flat.
I don't write accents generally! It's a bit of an old-fashioned conceit. I think readers found it awkward to pick through the accented dialogue, so the practice became rarer and rarer after I'd say Victorian/Edwardian writing. I interspersed Fleur's speech with what I hoped were typical ESL mistakes, pauses, and the occasional phrase in French and called it a day.
And I'm glad you liked the lady.
"The worst part is that Ron was reacting" <-- really cool observation, one or two others have also made it. Hermione still means something to Ron, even if it is just the memory of her, even all these years later. I said to another reviewer, I don't think he fell out of love with her. I think he buried it so that Hermione and Severus were able to be happy. I think it was his first, truly grown-up act.
A FLOATY COMMENT BOX!! I found instructions on Tumblr, it involves a browser extension so it won't work in mobile and the most complicated part is downloading a file to copy-paste. Here's the Tumblr link: https://dawen-nightmaiden.tumblr.com/post/178739438925/salt-of-the-ao3-ravenel-i-saw-this-post-by
Honestly, you've been steeped in this world for going on ten years, right? I'm reading this for the first time and keeping up on a handful of other regularly-updating WIPs and finding new fics and, honestly, steeping myself in my own AUs. It makes sense that the stuff you see as just another part of Ron's headspace is something that's unusual and jumps out to me.
Depends on how thick the accent is, tbh. In both senses: the more thick a written accent, the worse it is to slog through; on the other hand, I think the thicker the accent that the character actually has, the more important it is to have something in their speech to remind the reader what they're supposed to sound like. If that makes sense? (On the other hand... Hagrid's... kind of annoying. Not in the books, but in fic - he sounds wrong without his written accent, but so few fic writers seem to do it right...) Anyway, Fleur did feel very much like an ESL speaker, you nailed the syntax and pauses and such.
I'M GLAD YOU ENJOY THIS FORM OF REVIEWING, I had fun writing it this way!
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Kirinin on Chapter 20 Sun 05 May 2019 06:19AM UTC
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