Alright, let's get this party started! It took me a while to get into the editing groove, but I finally did it! This might be long, but it'll be worth it, I promise! I did a lot of edits to make your writing smoother and to fix grammatical errors. It was fun to do!
What you wrote:
“If the world is in darkness you must find the light Mr. Higgsbury” The child said with a sadly and it could be lost in the wind if not for the closeness of the two and the world stopping for a couple of seconds before everything went back to normal. He was alone again. W. P. Higgsbury always thought that children were a wonder. When everything was against them there was no force that could break their resolve, or stubbornness? Some may call it Determination…
What it should be changed to:
“If the world is in the dark you must find the light, Mr. Higgsbury,” the child said sadly. It would’ve been lost in the wind if not for the closeness of the two and the world stopping for just a couple of seconds before everything came back to life. He was alone again. W.P. Higgsbury always thought that children were wonders. When everything was against them there was no force that could break their resolve, or were they just stubborn? Some may even call it Determination…
Why: For the first sentence: You can be in the dark, but not in darkness. Darkness is a describer, and cant be used like that, but the dark is a noun, which means it's a thing you can point at. I added the comma in the correct place. You can't have "a sadly", either, but you can say something "sadly", and so I switched it out. Its a lot of switching XD. I added a "just" in the second sentence for smoothness. I said "came back to life" to give a bit more description. I changed the "children were a wonder" to "children were wonders" to make it plural to go with the plural form of a child. The next sentence had a question mark even though it wasn't a question, so I replaced it. You also can not break "a stubborness," but you can be stubborn, so I switched those out. I added an "even" in the last sentence to make it smoother.
Personally I'd take off the Chapter stuff because its already said at the top. It just takes up space.
What you wrote:
“Dang”
What I suggest:
“Dang,” I murmur as I look around me.
Why: Dialogue' needs to have something to say whos saying it, how they said it, and what they are doing. It helps people imagine characters. I can't quite explain why a comma is used instead of a period here.
What you wrote:
I messed up, there is nothing that can be done here and make the world back to how it once was. There is nothing left to do. It’s hopeless. This is how Frisk Dreemurr is going to die and…
What I suggest:
I messed up and now there is nothing that can be done to make the world go back to how it once was. There is nothing left to do. It’s hopeless. This is how Frisk Dreemurr is going to die and-
Why: The comma was in the wrong place so I got rid of it and the "here" was unnecessary so I took it off too. The dots at the end suggest Frisk trailing off and not being cut off, so I replaced it with a dash.
What you wrote:
Keys in the lock and Frisk's heart beat faster.
What I suggest:
Keys jingle in the lock and my heart starts to beat faster.
Why: Keys make noise when in the lock, which is what I'm assuming is what you meant by "Keys in the lock" so I added a "jingle" to make it have a reason to be said. Also, you switched points of views, so I fixed it.
What you said:
“My child?" There she was. In all her glory.
What I suggest:
"My child?" There she was, in all her glory.
Why: It's smoother. Periods are full stops, and commas are only breaths. When you read it out loud with a period, it sounds slightly unnatural so I fixed it.
What you wrote:
*gasp*
What I suggest:
Toriel, my goat mama, gasps before looking straight at me.
Why: No one knows who is gasping, so I stated who was and added a bit of description.
What you wrote:
"WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED HERE??!!” Toriel shouted after shutting the door after her and looking at the disaster I could have prevented with a little foresight on my part.
What I suggest:
"WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED HERE?!” Toriel shouted after shutting the door after her. She turns this way and that, looking at the disaster I could have prevented with even a little foresight on my part.
Why: It was a run on sentence, which means it was too long. I shortened it and turned it into two, and added descriptions. I added a "even" to make it seem slightly more dramatic.
What you wrote:
Toriel is finally back after a PTA meeting at school. She told me to stay home and be safe and dry from the storm that had been pouring for about half an hour before she left.
What I suggest:
Toriel is finally back from a PTA meeting at school. She told me to stay home and to stay safe and dry from the storm that had been pouring for about half an hour before she left.
Why: Since Toriel went to the meeting, she's back from it, not after it. "After" is used for time, and "from" is used (in this context) for a place/meeting.
What you wrote:
I froze solid for a second and was about to flirt my way into forgiveness, but Sans beat me to it.
What I suggest:
I freeze for a second and was about to try to flirt my way into forgiveness, but Sans beats me to it.
Why: I changed the words to present tense, and use "try" because we all know Toriel was going t be mad at Frisk, even if she had flirted.
What you wrote:
“heya tori” The skeleton had the decency to wake up and witness my last moments. He waved lazily towards the fuming goat mama.
What I suggest:
“heya tori.” The skeleton finally had the decency to wake up and witness my last moments. He waved lazily towards the fuming goat mama. She was not impressed.
Why: Assuming Sans left Frisk to do whatever, I added a "finally" in the first sentence. I wanted to add Toriel's reaction to this, so I put a "She was not impressed." afterwards.
What you wrote:
“Sans the skeleton, you better tell me why in the world is the whole living room of my house, a mess, when I specifically told you to take care of Frisk in my absence!” I don’t know what is more terrifying, the way her paws were smoking with unlit fire magic, or THE FACE. That face any mother can do to inspire fear and make any child see their short lives flash before their eyes.
What I suggest:
“Sans the skeleton, you better tell me why in the world is the whole living room of my house a mess, when I specifically told you to take care of Frisk in my absence!” I don’t know what's more terrifying, the way her paws were smoking with unlit fire magic, or THE FACE. That face any mother somehow knows to inspire fear and make any child see their short lives flash before their eyes.
Why:
The commas were rearranged and such. I rearranged the last sentence since all mothers know to make a face. It's kind of the same but flows better.
What you wrote:
There is no surface in the living room spared from little mud paw prints. The only things salvageable being the couch and pet rock. The culprit of such barbaric crimes against mom's morning cleaning, sat by his master’s feet without a care in the world, yawning at the consequences his acts brought to his human friend…
What I suggest:
There is no surface in the living room spared from the little mud paw print, the only things that are salvageable being the couch and pet rock. The culprit of such barbaric crimes against mom's morning cleaning sat by his master’s feet without a care in the world, yawning at the consequences his acts brought to his human friend.
Why: I added a "the" in the first sentence, because its THE mud paw prints, not just any mud paw prints. "Salvageable" is a describer, so I said the couch and pet rock "are salvageable". I got rid of an extra space and fixed the commas.
What you wrote:
**”Yeah It was hilarious, one would think that if you can beat Undyne in a race for your life, you could beat a dog from getting you grounded for the rest of your life, but alas, I was wrong.”
I'm going to start a new comment cause I'm running out of space!
What I suggest:
**”Yeah it was hilarious, but you would think that if you can beat Undyne in a race for your life, you could beat a dog from getting you grounded for the rest of your life! But alas, I was wrong.”
Why: Its a bit formal sounding, so I made it casual. Also, the sentence was too long, so I cut it into two.
What you wrote:
“well, i did take care of the kiddo. you said nothing about the house… heh....heh.... errr... tori?” Sans said with a relaxed tone at first as if his life is not in danger but became awkward after noticing a fireball coming to life in the queen's furry paw.
What I suggest:
“well, i did take care of the kiddo. you said nothing about the house! heh heh....errr... tori?” Sans had started with a relaxed tone at first, but he became uncomfortable after noticing a fireball coming to life in the queen's furry paw.
Why: Jeez san's writing is so weird and hard to edit! I want to make it have proper capitalization ;-;. The second sentence was kind of choppy, so I made it smoother. Akward wasn't a really good describer, so I switched it to become more accurate.
What you wrote:
“ok, ok, ok, tori. there is no need to HEAT up this conversation, heh” at that she created a second one in her other paw. Dang, usually she would have smiled at that.
What I suggest:
“ok, ok, ok, tori. there is no need to HEAT up this conversation, heh.” At that she created a second one in her other paw. Dang, usually she would have at least smiled at that.
Why: I added a period at the end of san's sentence, and capitalized the A. I added an "at least" to show just how mad Toriel was.
What you wrote:
Child and skeleton turned to see each other and with a snap of Sans boney fingers all the mud lit up with blue magic and lifted up from all dirtied surfaces. When everything was spotless once again, he proceeded to make all the mud disappear with a flash of blue magic to god knows where.
What I suggest:
Both child and skeleton turned to look at each other, and with a snap of Sans boney fingers all the mud lit up with blue magic and lifted up from all dirtied surfaces. When everything was spotless once again, he proceeded to make all the mud disappear with a flash of blue magic to god knows where.
Why: Added a comma fr flowability, and a "both" because the beginning of the sentence was kind of sudden.
What you wrote:
**”He, he, call Frisk to get your daily positivism pills.”
What I suggest:
**”Hehe, you can always count on Frisk to get your daily dose of positivity.”
Why: The chuckling was kind of cut up, and the sentence was a mouthful. Again, It was changed for simplicity and so that it could flow better.
What you wrote:
“Okay... thank you very much Sans. Forgive me for losing my TEMPER, but you should check on what Frisk gets into even if he is in no mortal danger and I would like to have a doghouse set up for Toby so this kind of incident does not happen ever again.” Sans nods with a lazy sigh, slumping back into the couch, defeated.
What I suggest:
“Okay... thank you very much Sans. Forgive me for losing my temper, but you should check on Frisk even if he is in no mortal danger! I would like to have a doghouse set up for Toby so this kind of incident does not happen ever again.” Sans nods with a lazy sigh, slumping back into the couch defeatedly.
Why: Toriel wants Sans to check on Frisk even when he's not ding anything, so I took of the "what he's into" part. I separated the dialogue into two sentences. Sans is sitting defeatedly, but since he wasn't quite "defeated" so I switched those out.
What you wrote:
I know you are very mature for a lot of things, but still, you need to take better decisions in the future. We don’t want the spaghetti-calipsis from last year happening again, do we?”
What I suggest:
I know you are very mature for a lot of things, but still, you need to take better decisions in the future. We don’t want the spaghetti-apocalypse from last year happening again, do we?”
Why: I don't know what calipsis is, but I know what an apocalypse is, so I switched them out.
What you wrote:
Ugh. that’s a low blow. She didn't have to remind me about the time when Papyrus and I tried to make a big meal out of his favorite dish but it somehow exploded, nothing really broke but we and the whole kitchen were covered from top to bottom with the darkish red concoction …
What I suggest:
Ugh. That’s a low blow. She didn't have to remind me about the time when Papyrus and I tried to make a big meal out of his favorite dish. It somehow exploded, and while nothing broke, we and the whole kitchen were covered from top to bottom with the darkish red concoction. It was not a fun time.
Why: Capitalization. The sentence was kind of long, so I cut it into two. Nothing can "really break", since if something breaks its broken, and vice versa, so I took out the really, and the dots. I added another sentence so that it would show how Frisk felt about it.
What you wrote:
Minding this little culinary incident, I answered with a quick “Yes Ma’am” and a slight bow. Just like a certain demon butler anime does.
What I suggest:
Keeping in mind this little culinary incident, I answered with a quick “Yes Ma’am.” and a slight bow. Just like a certain demon butler in one of my favorite animes does.
Why: Making things flow better. I mentioned it's one of Frisk's favorite animes, because for Frisk to copy that they must like it a lot! Also, I love Black Butler! <3
What you wrote:
As everyone settles down and mom starts dinner in the kitchen, a tall skeleton parked his red convertible and came through the door with his usual exuberance.
What I suggest:
As everyone finally starts to settle down and mom starts dinner in the kitchen, a tall skeleton parked his red convertible and came through the door with his usual exuberance.
Why: Added a finally for smoothness.
What you wrote:
“HELLO LADY ASGORE, HELLO HUMAN FRISK, HELLO LAZY BROTHER AND HELLO TO YOU, TOO, CANINE! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, HAS ARRIVED YET AGAIN AND BROUGHT MOVIES AND ASSORTED ENTERTAINMENT SO WE CAN HAVE A WONDERFUL NIGHT EVEN IN THIS GLOOMY DAY!”
What I suggest:
“HELLO LADY ASGORE, HELLO HUMAN FRISK, HELLO LAZY BROTHER AND HELLO TO YOU TOO, CANINE! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, HAS ARRIVED YET AGAIN AND BROUGHT MOVIES AND ASSORTED ENTERTAINMENT SO WE CAN HAVE A WONDERFUL NIGHT EVEN IN THIS GLOOMY DAY!” Papyrus poses heroically at the entrance, before shutting the door behind him.
Why: You later say that Papyrus left the door unlocked, so I mention that he closes it. I fixed the commas.
What you wrote:
"hey bro"
"Hello, Papyrus"
"Hi!"
*happy bark*
What I suggest:
"hey bro" Sans doesn’t even move a finger or open his eyes.
"Hello, Papyrus" Toriel pokes her head out of the kitchen, before going back in.
"Hi!" I wave excitedly at Papyrus.
*happy bark*
Why: Dialogue needs a who, how, and what are they doing. Not always, but with such simple dialogue you need something so the fic doesn't look like empty space.
What you wrote:
I must admit. Having Papyrus around makes everything 100 times better. Without him knowing, he dissolved the stern atmosphere the goat mama set and solved Chara’s boredom issue.
What I suggest:
I must admit, having Papyrus around makes everything 100 times better. Without him even knowing, he single-handedly dissolved the stern atmosphere the goat mama set and also solved Chara’s boredom issue.
Why: The first sentence and second sentence were sharing the same topic, so I combined them. I added an "even" because it sounded a bit choppy. I also added a "single-handedly" because Papyrus did it all by himself. I added an "also" because Papyrus did not just resolve the tension, but also made Chara interested.
What you wrote: Sometimes I wonder if he knows you are here, you know, because he always seems to know exactly what you want…
What I suggest: Sometimes I wonder if he knows you’re here you know, because he always seems to know exactly what you want.
Why: It had an unnecessary comma, and the dots were not needed.
What you wrote:
**”No. It must be a coincience... I have tried to talk with just anyone and everyone down in the underground and nobody was aware of my presence. We have discussed this before, Frisk. I would rather exist like this than try to live a happy life without... him. This is what I deserve after what I did.”
What I suggest:
**”Nah it must just be a coincidence... I ‘ve tried to talk with everyone down in the underground and nobody was aware of my presence. We’ve talked about this before, Frisk. I would rather exist like this than try to live a happy life without him. After all, this is what I deserve after what I did.” I can feel the sadness from our bond.
Why:
I made it sound casual and got rid of any unnecessary words. I got rid of the dots again, and the last sentence needed to be restructured. It just sounded wierd out loud. I added another sentence s that it could be understood that feelings carry through the bond a lot.
What you wrote: Chara.
I’m sorry. I didn't mean to bring it up again.
What I suggest: Chara...I’m sorry. I didn't mean to bring it up again.
Why:
You constantly use an enter space to separate sentences that would normally go together. I'm not going to edit that because a) it's a lot of work b) its a lot of work Also, you seem to forget to italicize, and I just realized how to do that in a comment lol. You might want to go back and italicize where you think, is necessary.
What you wrote:
Even if she does not accept it.
What I suggest:
Even if she doesn’t like to admit it.
Why:
Accepting is allowing something to happen etc, which is different than admitting, which means to confess to the truth. Chara doesn't like to confess how much it bothers her.
What you wrote:
Papyrus leaves the box in the kitchen to save it for after dinner. Finally, he sits down in the couch along with Sans. Mud incident forgotten, Toby jumps up into Papyrus' lap without warning “NYEH!”.
What I suggest:
Papyrus leaves the box in the kitchen to save it for dessert. Finally, he sits down on the couch along with Sans. Mud incident forgotten, Toby jumps up into Papyrus' lap without warning. Papyrus lets out a grumble, but settles down, and even starts petting Toby!
Why:
Please don't sit in the couch. That isn't healthy or comfortable! Sitting ON it is a much better decision. Also, dialogue needs to be indented as a new paragraph every time a new person talks, so I just switched it out for a description.
What you wrote:
It looks like Papyrus has grown more attached to the dog.
What I suggest:
It looks like Papyrus has grown more attached to the dog. How cute!
Why:
The sentence is kind of just sitting in the middle of space. It needed a companion because It looks a bit out of place.
What you wrote:
We watched TV for an hour or some more before Sans had enough of watching Cooking With the NOT Human Killer. Mettaton's new half an hour special.
What I suggest:
We watched TV for an hour or something before Sans had enough of watching Cooking With the NOT Human Killer. It was Mettaton's new half an hour special!
Why:
The right word you were looking for is something. Frisk likes Mettaton so I made him sound excited about it.
What you wrote:
He walked to the kitchen with a growing smile on his face.
What I suggest:
Sans walked to the kitchen with a growing smile on his face. I could hear his slippers slide across the floor. He’s so lazy he doesn’t even pick up his feet to walk!
Why:
You had to kind of guess for who the he is. Again, the sentence is just sitting in space, so I gave it a buddy! If you used large paragraphs this wouldn't be that much of a problem. It's not really a problem, but you have to work around it.
What you wrote:
Curious how I'm getting good at noticing the small changes on his face.
What I suggest:
I’ve realized that I'm getting good at noticing the small changes on his face. It must be because I spend so much time with him.
Why:
I don't think Frisk would find it curious that they can read Sans, but would think about it.
What you wrote:
While mom and dunkle Sans were flirting-yet-not-flirting in the kitchen with each other, Chara was making dying poses and disgusted faces to me and, of course, I am the only one who can see them and have to try my best not to burst into inexplicable laughter.
What I suggest:
While mom and dunkle Sans were flirting-yet-not-flirting in the kitchen with each other, Chara was making dying poses and disgusted faces to me and, of course, since I am the only one who can see them I have to try my best not to burst into inexplicable laughter.
Why:
Because only Frisk can see Chara, they have to deal with how funny Chara is. I restructured the sentence to better explain that.
What you wrote:
“OH HELLO UNDYNE IS NICE TO SPEAK TO YOU! HOW ARE YOU AND DOCTOR… ” at being cut from his rambling I noted how his expression changed. “NO, WE ARE NOT” another pause “OK I WILL DO IT RIGHT NOW!” the skeleton said, dutifully.
What I suggest:
“OH HELLO UNDYNE! IT IS NICE TO SPEAK TO YOU! HOW ARE YOU AND DOCTOR… ” at being cut off from his rambling, I noted how his expression changed slightly. “NO, WE ARE NOT,” Here he pauses again to listen to Undyne, “OK, I WILL DO IT RIGHT NOW!” It was so hard to tell, but Papyrus looked a tiny bit unnerved, and even possibly worried.
Why:
For Chara to later pick up on any mood changes, there has to be one in the first place. That's why the last sentence is there. I added commas, and described how his face changed "slightly". I fixed the pause sentence. Because of the sentence before that, You would have to start a new sentence and end it with a comma so that the rest of the dialogue could finish.
What you wrote:
Chara stopped her shenanigans, as well. She is very observant of the change of moods of our family. Perhaps she is even more sensitive to them than me but I guess that's what happens when you have been a ghost for that long.
What I suggest:
Chara stopped her shenanigans as well. She is very observant of our moods. Perhaps she is even more sensitive to them than me but I guess that's what happens when you have been a ghost for so long.
Why:
The second sentence was a mouthful, so I made it easier to read. It stumped me for a few minutes haha. Since we don't know exactly how long Chara's been a ghost I changed "for that long" to "for so long".
What you wrote:
The chatter in the kitchen died. Sans came back to the living room to watch his brother turning stations on the second hand TV.
What I suggest:
The chatter in the kitchen died off slowly at the sound of the channel changing. Sans came back to the living room to watch his brother changing stations on the Smart TV.
Why:
The first sentence didn't have enough description so I added a bit. You cant turn a station, but you can change one, so I switched out the words. Later in a couple more chapters you call the TV a smart TV, but here you call it secondhand. To make things consistent I switch it to be a Smart TV.
What you wrote:
"bro?"
What I suggest:
"bro?" Sans comes closer and watches in confusion as Papyrus continues to switch channels. Even I’m curious!
Why:
Again, Dialogue needs a who, what are they doing, and details. If not, its lonely!
What you wrote:
We all watched carefully as Papyrus turned on the TV and ran through the channels until Ebott News appeared. There was a blond, mid-aged woman with a melting eye shadow who was giving the briefing of the most recent news.
What I suggest:
We all watched as Papyrus switched through the channels until Ebott News appeared. There was a blond, middle-aged woman with melting eye shadow giving a briefing of the news.
Why:
Watching carefully is a strange way to describe it so I got rid of it. They trust Papyrus and its just a TV. The TV was already on so I said he was switching channels until it landed on Ebott News. I switched "mid" to "middle". She has melting eye shadow, not a melting eye shadow. Don't know how to explain that one, sorry. Also, news is only news because its recent, so that the description of "recent" is unnecessary.
What you said:
“To all the residents of Ebott Ville who have just tuned into the news. Police received reports of the sighting of a black cat-like “monster” of about 6 to 7 ft. long. Witnesses affirm, this subject has been running from Main Lane through the Embassy of Humans and Monsters until being intercepted by officer Undyne and the “Canine Squad” who are responsible of any monster or magic related reports in the police department of Ebott Ville. We are currently at the premises of Peace Memorial Central Park waiting for His Majesty, King Asgore himself, to make an appearance because, it seems, and as stated by ex captain of the Royal Guard, this is not a monster that came from the underground as they haven't been able to summon its soul to engage on a pacific confrontation”
What I suggest:
“-Police received reports of the sighting of a black cat-like “monster” of about 6 to 7 ft. long. Witnesses affirm the subject has been running from Main Lane through the Embassy of Humans and Monsters. They were intercepted by officer Undyne and the “Canine Squad” who are responsible for any monster or magic related reports in the police department of Ebott Ville. We are currently at the premises of Peace Memorial Central Park waiting for His Majesty, King Asgore himself, to make an appearance. It seems, as stated by the ex captain of the Royal Guard, that this is not a monster that came from the underground. They haven't been able to summon its soul to engage in a pacific confrontation.” Rain pounded angrily over her yellow umbrella, almost muffling her voice. You could barely see past her with all the rain pouring down. She glanced this way and that, trying to get a glimpse of the strange monster.
Why:
You will rarely tune it to when the news just started, so I made it sound like they tuned in in the middle of a sentence. I cut some f the sentences into smaller ones. I really don't want to explain this one, it's too big ;-; Ask me on discord if you need an explanation. I got rid of the "Rain pounded angrily over her yellow umbrella." that is aid by itself later because it's lonely! You need a describer so I added it here.
What you wrote:
The monster has yet to make an appearance.
What I suggest:
Asgore has yet to make an appearance.
Why:
If you put their name you are making sure that they all know you are talking about Asgore and not Wilson.
What you said:
**”There is no such a thing as “pacific confrontation” if the name Undyne is in the same sentence”
What I suggest:
**”There is no such thing as ‘pacific confrontation’ if the name Undyne is in the same sentence...” Chara is snickering as she watches the screen with us.
Why:
The saying goes: There is no such thing, not no such a thing. Can not explain that one. also, you cant use quotes in quotes. You need to use the tiny ones: 'example'. I made Chara laugh because dialogue needs a describer! Especially with Chara.
Italicize the next sentence.
What you wrote:
**”What's the deal? It's not as if the monster has done any damage? I'm sure he just got drunk and thinks he is in Grand Theft Auto and he has to run from the S.W.A.T. or something. What I am saying is, as long as nobody gets hurt it's not our business. Undyne is there so he won’t get hurt by humans”
What I suggest:
**”What's the big deal? It's not as if the monster has done any damage! I'm sure he just got drunk and thinks he is in Grand Theft Auto and he has to run from the S.W.A.T. or something. What I am saying is, as long as nobody gets hurt it's not our business. Undyne is there so he won’t get hurt by any humans.”
Why:
I added a "big' in front of deal to describe the problem. I switched out the question mark since Chara's not asking a question. I added an "any" in front of humans to describe the humans, and put a period.
What you said: Seriously, if they are calling Mr. Dad Guy even though Undyne is already there, they mean business.
What I suggest: Be serious! If they are calling Mr. Dad Guy even though Undyne is already there, they mean business.
Why:
Frisk would be kind of upset that Chara's not taking this seriously. Chara should know its a big deal if Mr. Dad Guy is going.
What you wrote:
Since the barrier broke and the monsters got free, Papyrus has changed his goal from being a Royal Knight to being one of the Monster's Kingdom public figures ("pet" in his own words) for the Human-Monster relations alongside Mettaton and it has worked for the two of them so far. There should be no need to call THE King to this kind of situations, if not utterly necessary.
What I suggest:
Ever since the barrier broke and the monsters were freed, Papyrus has changed his goal from being a Royal Knight to being one of the Monster Kingdom’s public figures ("hero" in his own words) for the Human-Monster relations alongside Mettaton and it has worked for the two of them so far. There should be no need to call the King in this kind of situation if he’s not utterly necessary.
Why:
I can't explain why I put "Ever" as the first word. Just know it belongs there haha. Frisk freed the monsters, they didn't just get free, so I changed the wording. The apostraphe was in the wrong spot in the words "Monster Kingdom" so I fixed it. Moved the commas, and made "the" not in full caps.
What you wrote:
“Okay, okay, thanks Mark." She said after a brief pause "King Asgore has finally arrived” The cameraman and reporter wait for the incoming van to stop and a goatman to get off.
What I suggest:
The news lady touches a little bud in her ear, before looking back at the camera. “Okay, okay, thanks Mark," She said after a brief pause, "King Asgore has finally arrived.” The cameraman and reporter wait for the incoming van to stop and the goatman to get off.
Why:
News anchors sometimes do that to hear better, so I thought I'd put that in so the Reader knows who Mark is. Again, comma after the sentence so that the dialog could continue. This is not any goatman, but THE goatman, so I switched out the words.
What you wrote:
Chara, sshhhh
What I suggest:
Chara, sshhhh!
Why:
Punctuation.
What you wrote:
“Howdy! Rainy day we have today, right? Well, I was called here by my ex captain of the Royal Guard because she told me it's not possible to summon this monster's soul for a friendly confrontation and normal means to stop them seem not to make any…” at that, he turns towards the surrounded monster but stops short in his speech. His posture change didn't go unnoticed by Chara as she herself tensed up and, thanks to her connection to my soul, I could sense this change, too.
What I suggest:
“Howdy! Such a rainy day, right? Well, I was called here by my ex captain of the Royal Guard because she told me it's not possible to summon this monster's soul for a friendly confrontation. The normal means to stop them seem not to make any…” at that, he turns towards the forming crowd behind him, and stops short in his speech. His posture change didn't go unnoticed by Chara as she herself tensed up and, thanks to her connection to my soul I could sense this change, too.
Why:
I got rid of words or switched them out. I split long sentences. As Frisk we wouldn't be able to see the monster so I called it a crowd. Fixed a comma.
What you wrote:
Asgore steps out of the camera range and takes two long steps towards Undyne, they exchange a few words, muted by the heavy rain.
What I suggest:
Asgore steps out of camera range and appears next to Undyne. They exchange a few words, muted by the heavy rain.
Why:
Frisk can't see Asgore walk . The sentence is too long so I made it short.
What you wrote:
“GASP!” Papyrus just HAD to make vocal all of our responses. He was somewhat right, though … A year has gone by without any of us witnessing what was happening on the TV.
What I suggest:
“GASP!” Papyrus just HAD to vocalalize all of our responses. He was somewhat right, though. A year has gone by without any of us witnessing what was happening on the TV.
Why:
To vocalize is to make into noise, which is what Papyrus is doing. The next sentence is too long so I shortened it.
What you wrote:
Asgore stood tall with his trident in hands and his battle pose ready. Soul or not, he was going to strike the enemy. I think it’s the first time the current humanity has seen him wield it.
What I suggest:
Asgore stood tall with his trident in his hands and his battle pose ready. Soul or no soul, he was going to attack. I think it’s the first time any has seen him wield it in a long time.
Why:
You forgot a "his" in front of hands. I changed the beginning of the second sentence to flow better. Also, humans havn't seen Asgore fight in YEARS, so I made sure to make clear.
you wrote:
In that very moment, the camera finally focused on the monster and everyone could finally see them. Their movements were erratic and disoriented as if made out of a dark thick smoke, his claws were long and sharp and, and…
What I suggest:
In that very moment, the camera finally focused on the monster and everyone could see them. Their movements were erratic and disoriented as if made out of a dark thick smoke, their claws were long and sharp and...and…
Why: I got rid of a finally because you already used it in the sentence. I changed the and to be direct pauses.
What you wrote:Red vest on his torso, partially swallowed by his shadowy body.
Eyes crimson red.
That hair.
Unmistakably W shape.
No…
What I suggest: A red vest on his torso, partially swallowed by his shadowy body...
Their eyes that unmistakable crimson red...
That hair...
It’s unmistakably W shape.
No!
Why: They were unfinished sentences so I did a correct a start.
What you wrote: No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no stop!
What I suggest: No! No no no stop!
Why: It was a bit excessive so I made it shorter.
What you wrote: Option panel opens.
What I suggest: An option panel opens.
Why: Its a noun so it needs an "an" in front.
What you wrote: I have to thank Undyne later for being our PE teacher. Even though it was just for a couple of months. I can run a marathon after chasing the annoying dog without breaking any real sweat. As I pried the door open (Thank you Papyrus for leaving the door unlocked). For some reason mom is currently frozen on the spot watching the events unfold on the TV with a shocked expression. But as soon as she heard the door, she snapped out of it and ran after me.
What I suggest: I’ll have to thank Undyne later for being our PE teacher, even though it was just for a couple of months. I can run a marathon after chasing the annoying dog without breaking a sweat. For some reason mom is currently frozen on the spot watching the events unfold on the TV. Her face seems stuck in a shocked expression. As soon as she heard the door though, she snapped out of it and ran out after me.
Why: Ask me in Discord cause It'll take me a minute to explain it.
What you wrote: “FRISK!”she shouted but I won't stop. Not while my friend is in danger.
What I suggest: “FRISK!” Toriel shouted at me but I wouldn’t stop. Not while my friend is in danger.
Why: Added a who was shouting, and the correct word. A new sentence started so I capitalized the first letter.
What you wrote: **“ARE YOU FRICKING SERIOUS FRISK??!! STOP RUNNING, MOM IS BEHIND US!!”
What I suggest: **“ARE YOU FRICKING SERIOUS FRISK?! STOP RUNNING, MOM IS RIGHT BEHIND US!!”
Why: The double question and exclamation marks were a bit too much, so I got rid of them. I added a bit more tension by saying "right behind us" instead of "behind us". Toriel is fast, after all.
What you wrote: No time to explain. Sorry goat mama
What I suggest: There’s no time to explain! Sorry goat mama.
Why: Punctuation and exclamation. I added a "There's" in the front to make it a complete sentence.
What you wrote: I have to SAVE a friend
What I suggest: I have to SAVE a friend!
Why: Punctuation.
Wow, okay that was a doozy! This is my first time editing like this so it took me way longer than I thought it would. It was mostly the Whys that took a long time. It took about 3 hours to do all the whys haha! It was actually fun? I also called friends who occasionally read over a part for me if it sounded weird, so I think it should be all good! I'll get started on Chapter 2 tomorrow, and then I'll take a break. See ya! <3
Comment on Of Shadows and Hopes
SilentFox on Chapter 1 Mon 30 Dec 2019 12:50AM UTC
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SilentFox on Chapter 1 Mon 30 Dec 2019 01:40AM UTC
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SilentFox on Chapter 1 Mon 30 Dec 2019 02:24AM UTC
Last Edited Mon 30 Dec 2019 02:41AM UTC
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