Well, let's see what we can do about Dawkins. Again, these are mostly suggestions, and you should evaluate for yourself what you want to do about them.
1: "As he walked through the park, the young dalmatian could not help but imagine the various ways that Saturday night dinner could go wrong."
I think that that it should be "Saturday night's dinner": "As he walked through the park, the young dalmatian could not help but imagine the various ways that Saturday night's dinner could go wrong." 2: "While walking distracted, he ended up tripping over someone."
Maybe that should be "something" rather than "someone": "While walking distracted, he ended up tripping over something." 3: "Dawkins ran into someone bigger than him, so he had to look up."
I would change that "ran" into "stumbled" and maybe change "bigger" into "taller": "Dawkins stumbled into someone taller than him, so he had to look up." 4: "The two dalmatians started walking side by side, Dante with his hands in his pockets and Dawkins with his arms crossed in front of his chest."
This is an odd point of criticism but walking with your arms crossed is rather uncomfortable. You can stand or sit with your arms crossed but while walking you tend to keep your arms free for balance. Crossing your arms is also considered somewhat hostile or arrogant and it creates a barrier between you and anyone you are talking to. It is not something you usually do when you just met your best friend and you are looking forward to talking with them. Something to consider. 5: "The biggest obstacle when he arrived at the dog school’s middle school classes was that the elementary classes were mixed in the current classes, and Dawkins was in a class in which he didn't know anyone."
A bit of a suggested rewrite: "The biggest obstacle when he arrived at the dog school’s middle school classes was that the elementary classes had been split up after last year, and Dawkins had been put in a class where he didn't know anyone." 6: "But today it was different."
I think that "it" is unnecessary: "But today was different." 7: "There were 20 dogs in the room, divided into five rows with four tables each. Dawkins sat in the third place in the middle row, which literally placed him in the middle of the room."
So I looked at this, thought it over, and realized that Dawkins cannot sit in the literal middle of the room, because a 5 by 4 grid of desks does not have a desk that occupies the middle spot. You have to be careful with the word literally. 8: "In that, only he and the dog that sat in front of Dawkins remained."
I don't like "In that" in this sentence, I would change it to "And so" but I can in no way back up either as more correct. This is just personal preference: "And so, only he and the dog that sat in front of Dawkins remained." 9: "Said dog made the situation worse, because if Dawkins was not comfortable to go to the others, the others were not comfortable to talk near him and because he was right behind Dawkins was affected."
Now, this is going to be an attempt to rewrite this sentence because I think that the one you have is really messy in its structure. It does not work in my mind: "Said dog made the situation worse because none of the other dogs were comfortable talking near him, and since Dawkins wasn't comfortable with going over to any of the groups, that left him with no one to talk to, except the dog in question." 10: "On the first day, the teacher had assigned the students' seats and asked each one to get up and talk a little about himself,"
"get up" to "stand up", "talk" to "tell the class" and "himself" to "themselves": "On the first day, the teacher had assigned the students' seats and asked each one to stand up and tell the class a little about themselves," 11: "and all the other students were away from Dante."
I would change the wording to: "and all the other students had been out of Dante's vision." 12: " “(sigh) I can't believe I'm going to do that.” "
"that" to "this": " “(sigh) I can't believe I'm going to do this.” " 13: "and the vast majority of the anthros that are fans tend to hide it as a dark secret"
You just missed a spot of punctuation on this one. Needs a period. 14: "I don't deny that pokémon like this make me a little uncomfortable at times,"
"don't" to "won't" and "this" to... is it "them" maybe?: "I won't deny that pokémon like them make me a little uncomfortable at times," 15: “He. Dude, this is not even half of my problem.”
I would change "this" to "that" and you can make an "isn't": “He. Dude, that isn't even half of my problem.” 16: "who was going through a lot of new things at the time and had a hard time trusting other dogs."
You could add a "same" in there: "who was going through a lot of new things at the same time and had a hard time trusting other dogs." 17: "And even though Delilah was called at the last minute,"
Maybe add an "in" or "away" to this one?: "And even though Delilah was called in at the last minute," 18: "I did managed to be quiet yesterday,"
Change to either "I did manage" or "I managed": "I did manage to be quiet yesterday," 19: "I thought he would be the most difficult to collaborate with their relationship.” "
I dislike this one. It feels off in my head. Instead, maybe something along the lines of: "I thought he would be the least supportive one of their relationship.” " 20: " “I think so.” Dante finished his meal,"
I think "I guess so." fits a little better: " “I guess so.” Dante finished his meal," 21: " “Kibbles! I can't believe we did it!” "
"it" to "that": " “Kibbles! I can't believe we did that!” "
And that is it for this one. A few tricky ones this time around where I felt that a simple word change wouldn't be enough. Look it over and see what you think. Next time is Dinner time.
I didn't notice it before, but apparently I also didn't make some things clear.😅
First of all, I couldn't describe the classroom correctly. I meant that the placement of the student and teacher tables put Dawkins in the exact center of the room, but technically he's on the second table in the middle four-tables column.
In addition, I was also wrong in describing how other students react to Dante's presence. I meant that the other students avoid approaching Dante and keep their distance when possible, and that Dawkins is affected by sitting behind him.😅
Comment on Spotty World - My Stepdad's Daughter Was My Ex-Girlfriend
PopsicleTart on Chapter 5 Tue 22 Jun 2021 06:34PM UTC
Comment Actions
jedssm on Chapter 5 Wed 23 Jun 2021 06:14PM UTC
Last Edited Thu 24 Jun 2021 02:16AM UTC
Comment Actions