Read through this all real quick, and gotta say/ask:
1- Is this going to be a love triangle? I'm assuming yes due to M/M F/M Aubrey/Sunny Basil/Sunny tag, but I could be wrong. 2- While the story itself is very slow paced so far, it's good. 3- More spacing between dialogue could be nice for people that have short attention spam (like me) and lose themselves easily in between dialogue. It's okay to do a internal monologue 4-5 lines long, but when various characters are speaking, it gets a bit confusing at times.
4- Since you're adding headspace chapters, please make them I. Relevant to the story (It's fine to keep a few things non relevant, but headspace especially in the main game isn't always non-relevant) II. Shorter. Like, I'm not saying remove every battle or exploration bit, but try... I don't know, keeping it interesting while not making it too long. III. While it maybe isn't the best time for it in the story, add more fun interactions between characters in the real world. Adds more into their personality and makes reading it a bit more fun.
Regardless, it's a good fic. Just giving some constructive feedback, and although I'm not a professional writer either, these will probably help ya.
Comment on I won't let you take him away from me again.
DestroAGTLO on Chapter 15 Tue 06 Dec 2022 01:19AM UTC
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