Comment on Short Kannao Stories to Heal Thy Soul

  1. malevolent_muse on Chapter 1 Mon 04 Nov 2024 10:47PM UTC

    Hi :) Just some general feedback: it’s a very cute story with an engaging and humorous tone and well-paced character dynamics. However, it feels a bit disjointed and heavy on exposition. If you want to improve the flow, consider streamlining details, especially in Naoto’s morning routine, and changing up sentence structure for a more of a varied rhythm (since many sentences start with “I”). Adding sensory descriptions of the cramped locker and more emotional depth could enhance the reader's connection with Naoto, while subtle hints about self-care could add thematic depth. I hope you find these suggestions helpful. Overall, it’s a delightful piece. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. Autism_Cryptid on Chapter 1 Mon 04 Nov 2024 11:28PM UTC

      Aaa thank you! I am totally in alignment here, maybe I'll add more to it to break out of the exposition a bit. I tend to do that for dramatic effect but I admit I do it a bit too much. 😭
      I really appreciate your feedback!!! ❤️

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      1. malevolent_muse on Chapter 1 Mon 04 Nov 2024 11:30PM UTC

        I'm always happy to help when it comes to writing :) My goal is to help others improve and continue their writing journeys.

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