smallweirdloves
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Summary
They meet in a bar fight in North Carolina when Dean is nineteen, broke, and desperate, then again when a hunt brings the Winchesters into town a few years later. Neither one of them ever puts a name to it but every once in a while, through the years, Dean finds his way back.
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“You made an exception for me,” is what Dean says to him that day.
Angels do not make exceptions, of course. What scares Castiel is that Dean is right.
“…You’re different,” is his only reply before he leaves. It’s true, at least. It’s true enough to terrify him.
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From the moment Castiel raised Dean from Hell, Castiel began to fall. Dean is a miracle and a natural disaster, and perhaps those two things aren't so different. His soul is the most beautiful thing Castiel has ever seen.
Or, seasons 4 and 5 as told by Castiel.
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The kicker is, Dean had been trying to live.
Really live. And not bite out in anger at the fraying of his heart: Cas, gone, Jack, gone—all that was left was him and his brother, and Dean had been trying to live, in spite, in light of that.
In a world like the unsteady first steps of a child, apprehensive arms and hands cradling the air around them, ready for a slip, excited for a step, Dean had been trying to walk forward, too. Though every step had meant every pain.
Upon his death, and arrival in heaven, Dean sets out to find the angel. He has to tell him. Cas has to know.
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Gone, gone. He can’t feel his hands. Gone, gone.
Is there a word for the absence of an echo? When you call into a vast, dark space and expect an answer, even just a reflection of your own voice, but nothing will call back to you? These are Dean’s thoughts. This is the world.
Wall at his back. Shuddering. Gone. Hands numb, shaking. Bereft of tears. Cas gone. Which means love gone. Forever.
Wall at his back and he can’t stop trembling. Numb. It could be seconds, or minutes, or hours. It feels like years. Time dissolves around him, the world dissolves around him. Cas. Gone.
And only the absence of an echo of the world, left.
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Fixing the events of 15x19 to give the characters believable arcs and the stories they deserved (including Michael because WOW) and the events of 15x20 so that, essentially, they never happened and Dean grieved properly before getting to live out his days with the love of his life, on earth.
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Dean's used to repressing things. Feelings. Any kind of emotional attachment. The thought that he might not be as straight as he pretends to be. Cas isn't the first person (entity?) he lets down his walls for, but he is by far the most important.
(joke title for a very serious fic about internalized homophobia and unhealthy mindsets, you have been warned)