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Sage looked up when he heard the distinctive thump of Rowen’s book hitting the mattress. Strata sighed deeply shortly after, another sign he was thinking about something.
“That offer,” he said, seeming to avoid looking in Sage’s direction at all costs, “to be my first kiss.” He still made it a point to not look, casting his eyes from the floor to the ceiling. “Does it still stand?”
Sage quirked an eyebrow up. That offer was over two years old, not brought up since he’d initially tabled it. “Yes.”
Now Rowen looked over, out of the corner of his eye. “You… would?”
Sage nodded, standing up and inviting him to come over with a quirk of his fingers. He wasn’t exactly sure why he’d offered, except as a way to let his friend know it was alright to like men and there was at least one guy out there willing to kiss him. Something to comfort him when he’d been having a meltdown over being so irrevocably different; they were opposites, that way, both of them part of the same communities but Rowen accepting his autism and Sage accepting his bisexuality.
Rowen scrambled up, pausing mid stride, just out of reach. “You’re— really okay with it? This won’t change anything?”
Halo held a hand out. “Promise.”
Rowen hesitated another moment before putting his hand in Sage’s, carefully clasping the older boy’s fingers. “What was your first kiss like?”
“We were hiding away after kendo practice,” Sage said, pulling him closer, resting Rowen’s hand on his chest. He kept the story short, having told it in various levels of details dozens of times before. “We’d joined at the same time and kept trying not to blush every time we looked at each other. I initiated that kiss, too, although he nodded after I hesitated, to say it was okay. It was quick but… his smile after just made me love him more. We’re still friends.” He took his friend’s other hand, still hanging limply by Rowen’s side. “Waist or chest?”
Rowen took a moment to process Sage’s topic switch. “Which… is better?”
“Shoulder, I think, for you right now.” Rowen’s muscles still weren’t obeying; Sage simply did the movement for him before finally resting his own hands on Rowen’s lower back. The boy’s nose was already pink; his chest was closed, him more curled up than resting against Sage. “Are you okay with this?”
He nodded sharply. “You really don’t mind kissing a friend?”
Sage smiled and brought his hand up, brushing the back of his fingers against Rowen’s jaw and smiling a little more when Rowen relaxed a fraction, eyes softening. “Since when have I ever followed convention?”
His fingers ended up behind Rowen’s neck, pulling him down the inch required to carefully, gently, press their lips together. Sage kept the kiss light, not pressing any harder than he had to on his friend’s neck— although he did brush his thumb behind Rowen’s ear. Strata’s breath caught at the touch before he timidly kissed back.
A few moments later, they parted, Sage finding himself surprisingly out of breath for what he expected a platonic kiss to be. Rowen was frozen in place, what had been a blush on the bridge of his nose now across his cheeks.
Sage smirked. “That good, huh?”
Rowen turned bright pink.
Halo laughed softly and tried to determine if Rowen wanted him to linger or not. His hand slid from Strata’s neck to shoulder, just enough to let him know he was still there, but not putting any pressure on him.
“Can I…” Rowen said, looking at the floor again. “Can I kiss you back?”
Sage paused, eyes widening a fraction. Rowen noticed and was about to pull away, but Sage tightened his grip. “You can.”
Rowen looked up, matching deer in the headlights stare, and was about to say something before Sage saw a flash in his eyes; the one he always got when he was finished doubting himself. He met Sage’s gaze before diving straight in for a kiss that was everything Rowen was: passionate, intense, and deeper than most people could imagine. Sage tightened his grip and let himself be swept in it.
It was over far too soon and, despite himself, Sage found himself craving another. But the distance in Rowen’s eyes let him know Strata had already pushed himself too far in a realm he didn’t know, fighting the one script he had conformed to. The thousand-mile stare when he realized this was unusual and his own emotions were suffocating him. Relationships had always been his weak point. Sage put a hand on his jaw, subtly encouraging him to open up.
“Was that too much?” Rowen blurted out.
Sage shook his head. “Anybody who doesn’t like that doesn’t know what they’re missing out on.”
The glassiness in his eyes partway broke with a relieved grin. Rowen finally slid his arms around Sage’s torso, burying his face in Sage’s shoulder. “Thanks… Sage.”
Sage hugged back, trying to smooth away any sharp edges Strata might be feeling. “You wanted to call me something else, didn’t you?”
Rowen nodded. “Y… yeah. I just. Didn’t want to… start anything.”
“You’re a great guy but I’m still not crushing on you,” Sage said, half against his neck. “If that’s what you’re worried about.”
He was silent for awhile. Halo simply kept hugging him, aware of his own body’s unusually relaxed state, especially in contrast to Rowen’s tension. Touch— something Sage so desperately needed— had always been frowned upon around his blood relatives, and Rowen was one of the first people who’d let him explore what his skin and mind desired. The first person who’d made him feel relaxation on a deeper level that he’d thought possible by hugging him until all stress melted away, the level where all needs were met. Relief that no, he wasn’t a failure for always needing reassurance. Comforting Rowen in the same way was its own reward. Strata’s breathing evened out, slowly, him seeming to soak up Sage’s state of mind.
“Thanks,” Rowen’s voice was barely a whisper in Sage’s ear, “love.”
Sage smiled softly. “You’re welcome.”
“I kind of have a huge crush on you.”
Social scripts dictated that important information be spoken about when people did not have their faces in the other person’s shoulder, but Rowen wasn’t moving and even if Sage did, it would just cause both of them needless pain. The wavering in Rowen’s voice simply pulled up Sage’s protective instinct, making him hug tighter as he tried to find words to say in reply that weren’t ‘I know’ or the almost dismissive ‘it’s alright’.
The pause gave Rowen enough time to start an anxious ramble, him uncomfortable with the silence. “I don’t think I could ever date you, though, cause you’re… my best friend and I’m already established with you and I know what to do and dating would just mess that up so even if you did love me back I’d turn you down but I was really curious about how you kissed.”
Sage chuckled. “I was curious, too. And… I do love you back. Maybe not in the same way, but…” the desire to see Rowen’s face was too strong, at this point. He pulled away the bare minimum requirement to see what his friend was feeling. “I do love you, and I do care about you, and you’ve done more for me than I can name. The least I can do is this.”
There was a fine line of tears along Rowen’s lashes, his face a mixture of what Sage assumed to be shock and a watery smile. Sage reached one hand up to wipe Strata’s eye, him rubbing tears off his other cheek. “I’d kiss you again for that but. I think that’d be a bit much.”
Sage cupped Rowen’s cheek. “If you want to.”
Rowen’s breath caught again and, if they told this story to anybody else, they would have an impossible time convincing them they were not together. Rowen’s next kiss was lighter and sweeter but his heart was still on his sleeve, and there was no taming his intensity. Sage didn’t want to. And he would make sure nobody else even tried.
They pulled back and Rowen finally dropped his arms; his cheeks, neck, and ears were bright red. He covered his face before running his fingers through his hair. “Would you kill me if I said I liked that?”
Sage laughed. “That was the point.”
Rowen coughed and tried to scrub the pink out of his skin. “You’reagoodkisser.”
“You’re not half bad, yourself,” Sage said, trying not to appear amused at his friend’s continued embarrassment. Rowen was back to being curled up on himself, one hand gripping his elbow, head down, chest even more closed than before. Halo watched his shoulders tremble and continue to lower, stomach slowly beginning to collapse. There was too much in his mind, too much of society pressing in on him, and too much of Rowen trying to burst out. Sage pulled Rowen’s weighted blanket out of the chest at the foot of his bed, draping it around his shoulders. Rowen looked up to see Sage smiling softly at him.
“Want a pillow?”
Rowen swallowed and nodded. Sage went to Rowen’s bed and lay down, Rowen promptly following and curling up against his chest. Halo adjusted the blanket up around Rowen’s shoulders, making sure his friend was covered in something that would help him settle. Once he was comfortably pillowed, ear against Sage’s heart, Sage grabbed Strata’s orb from the bedside table and handed it to him.
Rowen took it, only to turn around and ball up, pulling his blanket around him to close off. His head ducked closer to his chest, knees pulling in the same direction. His breathing was unusually steady and even, the sign of a forced emotion. The pressure of too affectionate got to both of them, but with Rowen it was only in love and friendship. Even the same level, what he often did without thought, was pushing him over the edge.
Sage brought a hand up and twirled his fingers around locks of Rowen’s hair, something that always soothed him. Halo tried to keep an even tone, himself. “You’re my best friend whether we’ve kissed or not. I know you were scared of that.”
“You know me better than damn near anyone,” Rowen said with a soft laugh to hide the crack in his voice. “I… hoped you’d pick up on that.”
“Want to talk about it?”
Strata shook his head.
Sage tried not to sigh and instead reached out with Halo, guessing at some of the voices in Rowen’s head about how affectionate he was, and how he’d have to find a man willing to understand, willing to love the night sky and all the stars within. Rowen never even attempted passing and most days he was alright with that, but some moments— like this one— dragged him into a place where he was laughed at for being different by society. Sage hoped that, maybe, he could provide a little hope he’d be okay.
As Rowen relaxed the more his hair was played with, Sage dared turn on his side and wrap an arm around Strata’s torso. Rowen’s hand wormed its way out of the covers, reaching down to grip Sage’s. Halo met him halfway and pulled Rowen’s hand back up to be near his collarbone, if only so Rowen wouldn’t have his wrist bent out of shape to stay under the weighted blanket.
Halo pushed himself up and looked at his friend’s face. A thin line of tears trailed down his nose, and his face was still turned away. Sage leaned down and pressed his lips against Rowen’s temple. “You’d do the same for me, Rowen. I know you would.”
Strata simply nodded, eyes scrunched shut at too much emotion and Sage hoped he hadn’t pushed his friend over the edge. From how Rowen tugged him closer after he lay down, that was unlikely.
Eventually, his grip loosened and his breathing evened out to something that sounded natural. Sage could finally breathe, himself, and join him in sleep.
When Sage woke up, Rowen had curled up towards him, head back on his heart. Halo relaxed, pulling a still dead to the world Rowen closer. It was nice to have Rowen be glue, again, after so much hesitancy and distance Sage hadn’t been able to place until last night. Rowen nuzzling into his chest meant he was comfortable, something he hadn’t been for awhile.
Halo stayed in bed, not wanting to find out what happened when Rowen woke up alone. Strata was always there when Sage woke up, even if it was one of Sage’s rare sleep binges when he’d stay in bed for nearly a full day at a time. He knew from the others Rowen never left him.
The last thing Sage wanted to do was return dedication with abandonment.
As the sun crept higher in the sky, everybody else in the house started to wake up. It didn’t take long for them to all wonder where Sage was, him normally teasing them all for missing the best part of the morning.
When Cye cracked the door open to check up on them, Sage levelled him a look that said if he ever said two words about this to Rowen, he would never hear the end of it.
Cye’s look switched from curiosity to concern almost immediately. “Rough night?”
Sage nodded. “Cried himself to sleep.”
“I’ll make breakfast, then.”
“Keep it quiet,” Sage said softly. “I don’t think he wants anyone to know why.”
Cye raised an eyebrow. “I could tell from your look when I walked in.”
Sage snorted. “Yeah, well…”
“I’ll say it was for Ryo.”
Sage simply flickered an appreciative smile before Cye closed the door. One advantage of Cye’s caretaker tendencies and now having a boyfriend to take care of within the group. Any extra gesture he made could be hidden away. Rowen was always insecure about needing affection after nights like last night, and Sage thought this morning would be no different.
Rowen nuzzled Sage’s chest as he woke up, squeezing him like a teddy bear as if fighting looming consciousness.
Sage smiled and kissed Rowen’s hair. “Wake up, sleepyhead.”
Rowen groaned. “Five more minutes…”
Halo chuckled. “Okay.”
He settled back down and burrowed into Sage’s body heat, sighing in contentment he didn’t have to wake up right that moment. Sage found one of his hands and squeezed the chill out of it, rubbing his back to try and get his circulation going. If he had actually gotten enough sleep these actions tended to wake him up. If he hadn’t, they sent him back to sleep where he belonged. And with how Rowen behaved when lacking sleep, Sage would rather stay in bed all day than deal with it.
From Rowen’s continued grumbles as he shifted against Sage’s chest, he’d gotten enough sleep. “You can stop any time, y’know.”
“Waking you up too much?”
“Yes.” Rowen picked his head up to look at Sage and seemed about to continue an argument—about how waking up was overrated and he knew Sage was a morning person but would it kill him to not use every trick he had to help Rowen wake up— but instead his eyes widened and traveled across Sage’s face; Halo wasn’t sure what he was taking in, but he noticed the deep, slow breathing and softly parted lips of whenever Rowen was surprised.
Strata settled back down and held Sage, harder than he had in a very long time. “You’re still looking at me the same.”
Sage exhaled and held him back. “I told you. Nothing would change.”
“I thought…”
“Something small that I couldn’t help?”
A nod was his only answer.
“You forget how many exes I’m still friends with,” Sage said, trying to make his tone light but not dismissive of Rowen’s intense worry. “You’re my best friend and nothing’s going to change that.”
Internally, Halo simply gave out the impression of you can rest with me. Rowen’s soul was raw as if from holding a sword too long, body bruised against opponents who didn’t care about rules and only cared about winning no matter the cost. He’d not rested anywhere, strung out from nerves and desires and “should”s that kept him on guard. An archer on watch for so long, the bow was about to break.
Tension in Strata that apparently Rowen didn’t even know was there released. Its wielder’s breathing caught and Sage simply felt the draining of adrenalin at the end of a kendo match through their armours. The bone-deep relaxation of knowing he didn’t have to fight anymore, at least, not with him.
“Thanks, love.”
Sage smiled at the lack of hesitation. “You’re welcome, love.”
A final few knots of tension released, and Rowen exhaled. A few moments later the smell of whatever Cye decided to make reached their room.
“What’s cooking?”
Sage shrugged. “Cye must be doing something special for Ryo.”
Rowen pushed himself up, him second only to Kento for how food motivated his stomach could be in the mornings. “Think he’d mind if we crashed?”
Sage kept his smile mostly hidden away, keeping it to acceptable levels of Rowen simply being Rowen. “Don’t think so.”
Rowen watched Sage get up, a playful glint in his eye that Sage couldn’t remember seeing for the past month. “Last one there has to do dishes.”
Sage smirked back. “You’re on.”
Every time they had one of these challenges, Sage swore Rowen used some of Strata’s power to more easily vault down the stairs and beat him by a fraction of an inch. That or his height gave him more of an advantage than Halo wanted to admit. A few centimetres shouldn’t make that much of a difference.
Ryo took a sip of his orange juice. “The only reason Sage gets up early is to avoid breakfast dishes.”
Kento snorted. “Dunno why you’d want to miss out on Cye’s cooking.”
“What do you think woke him up,” Sage said, jerking his thumb towards Rowen brewing up more of Mia’s coffee.
Rowen shot him a half-hearted glare and Sage just smiled in his direction. Ryo shook his head and went to kiss Cye’s cheek before asking if there was anything he could do to help, Kento checking whatever on his phone, and Rowen still half asleep as he watched the coffee pot.
Sage sipped his tea, dragging Rowen’s attention to the scene. He felt like he was holding a weapon again, as Ryo grabbed stuff out of the fridge and Kento went to get first dibs on Cye’s food.
The minute Rowen actually stopped and realized what his environment was, he relaxed once more. It’s normal.
Told you.
Thanks, Sage.
You’re welcome.
There was no pain with using his name, the outlines of bruises still there but them no longer so raw that they hurt every time he breathed. He settled at the table with coffee and the conversation was perfectly routine summer break conversation, with an argument breaking out over whether or not they should go to the beach or hiking the next time weather permitted.
Nothing had changed.
Except, for the first time in a long time, Rowen’s eyes were smiling at Sage over his coffee mug.