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The first time he met him, it wasn’t really a pleasant memory. The tall, lanky kid was curt, despite the nevertheless soft gaze he held in general. It made him giddy and nervous, and back then little Minhyuk wasn’t all that keen on how to handle such thing. Soon, though, Minhyuk realized the boy was far less intimidating than his scrutinizing stares, his height, and even his long-drawn silences.
Soon they became friends fairly easily, as Minhyuk found his rather quiet yet caring personality complimented his bubbly self—it was calming. He loved how the younger would take care of him back then, looking out for him when he was being clumsy or careless, and being his comfort and refuge when his mind was in a wreck. It saddened him when he heard the news that they were gonna be separated, but at least they’re still in the same neighborhood, right? They still played and hung around together, so really the worries swimming in Minhyuk’s mind went away soon enough.
(After all Hyungwon also always tried to cheer him up and coaxing him into letting him go a tad bit).
.
Minhyuk didn’t like his new family.
‘Family’, they said? He snorted.
It was more of a set up the State shoved to their people in sick notions of their virtue. No one had a say in any matter, as far as the State is involved. Not his bankrupt orphanage, not even the families involved. How stubborn can they be?, sometimes Minhyuk wondered.
The family he got wasn’t all that bad, it's just that they fought a lot and they sometimes refused to tend to his needs, being almost broke themselves. Not that most of anyone else in this god-forsaken place isn’t, though; poverty had been an issue they had to put up with for decades, anyway. So Minhyuk could understand that, and he would just wander aimlessly outside the house or go to Hyungwon every time things went out of his favor.
It was in those times he noticed the changes in Hyungwon.
His eyes had generally darkened, as if something had worn him down. It was sullen –grim most of the time, except for the time that it lit up again when Minhyuk came around.
He noticed it too, though, the almost invisible bruises and cuts that graced the boy’s arms or cheeks, and his mind would go haywire screaming at him to destroy something; someone –preferably the one who did this to the boy.
He asked the boy once, what had happened, but Hyungwon would just avert his gaze and change the topic. He did one time admit that his family was somewhat abusive, but to what extent, Hyungwon had never explained it to him. He wouldn’t tell him when it happened, only once in awhile admitting his sour mood and taking considerably further comfort in the older, being a bit more touchy and clingy. Holding his arms for support, grasping his hands for reassurance, and embracing him for warmth.
Minhyuk had thought they were alright like this, that they could live with it.
Until that one day his ‘father’ came up to them when they were hanging out with their friends to scold him angrily and slapped him so hard on his cheek.
The sound that reverberated into his ears were like liquid fire, and the gasps that left out Hyungwon’s mouth as he tried to hold back the tears were enough to wake something grotesque lying dormant deep within his soul.
After the incident, Hyungwon was dreadfully silent. Everyone was speechless in their spot, and even Jooheon couldn’t stop blinking. Minhyuk tried to soothe and cheer Hyungwon up, but instead, he just got shrugged off by the boy. He then started to walk away slowly, aimlessly, away from them while still holding his cheek. No good-bye or see-you was given as he kept his head cast down low. Minhyuk had really wanted to follow the boy, to make sure he was okay -heck, each and every fiber of his soul was like pulled harshly to follow him already, in pain like his heart was dragged down the crude pavement that was graced by the boy’s sluggish feet.
But he didn’t.
Something just kept him from doing so; he thought maybe it had something to do with the shadows cast under Hyungwon’s bangs, or maybe it's the heavy aura he emitted that somehow felt like he had just constructed an actual wall between them –that solely at that moment, he wanted to be left alone.
.
Minhyuk couldn’t sleep.
All in his mind that day was the sounds of the slap and Hyungwon’s gasp put on an endless replay. It made him restless. He still hadn’t eaten since that afternoon, but how could he? His stomach was churning inside and he knew nothing he ate would even go down. He couldn’t even drink, despite how dry his throat was. The replay that occupied his mind were all too much for him to properly function, eating his soul with worry.
He knew he couldn’t let this on for long, so as soon as the sun was up, he went out to walk to Hyungwon’s place.
The place was empty, as always. Hyungwon's jerk of a ‘father’ was always out since early morning working at the mining site run by the State. It was for the better, he thought, as he couldn’t stand the thought of that man anywhere near the person he held dear.
Minhyuk didn’t even feel the need to say any greetings as he stepped his foot on the entrance of the foyer and into the living room. He ignored the lame excuse of a house he was in; it barely had anything, just showing how dull and dead was the life inside it. He started to search around for any sign of Hyungwon, relieved when he caught a glimpse of his knee on the floor in the room on his left.
He walked cautiously towards the boy to not startle him, but it all soon changed into rushed steps as he felt his heart stopped when he saw the hideous mask covering his head.
He stopped abruptly in front of the younger, slowly kneeling down to his level. The tremor in his hands were rising, as he feared what was beneath the mask. But more than that is Hyungwon. He needed to see Hyungwon, to make sure he was okay, to take care of him; anything –anything that would validate that they were still there.
The first time he tried to take off the mask, it earned him a weak protest from the boy, as he tried to shrug him off again. It didn’t stop him, though; the lanky figure barely had the energy to even move. Minhyuk then proceeded to lift the worn fabric, trying to be gentle even when his fingers are restless and the texture and color of the knitted cloth disgusted him.
He clearly wasn’t prepared for what met his eyes then. He felt the pain stabbing his whole soul again, leaving him breathless that it even hurt to get any words out.
“...Did you...---?”
It was almost painful to the touch when Minhyuk tried to inspect the bruises on Hyungwon’s cheeks. It was beyond bad, they were swelling and turning into a mix of nasty colors –and honestly? It was the worst sight Minhyuk had ever seen, no matter how many pools and splatters of blood he had seen in all of that year combined. He tried to set aside the fear for a while, though, trying to meet the boy’s eyes to check his condition.
It was then that he lost it.
The eyes that met him weren’t the same, and Minhyuk believed if it were for the eyes alone he was sure he wouldn’t even think of them as Hyungwon’s. The orbs that met his that time weren’t that of a kind man he once knew. Rather, it didn’t even look like they belong to a man –he looked more like a startled empty-minded creature that smelled of fear, keeping on refusing to acknowledge his surrounding; Minhyuk. It broke his heart, and he could feel the stinging feeling suffocating him.
....No. Please.
Please don’t break it.
Hyungwon wouldn’t even meet his eyes, and Minhyuk could really see the disorientation in his eyes. There were something else, though; something that Minhyuk was still scared to recognize, something akin to shame and ....guilt? He couldn’t accept it. His eyes started to sting, getting wet as it mirrored Hyungwon’s that were glossed by tears. No, he didn’t even feel sad anymore. The intense feeling drowning his mind right now he knew for sure wasn’t sadness. It was anger –fury. He caressed the apple of the younger’s cheek one last time, the hands leaving him started to shake in rage.
Eyes soon pitch black and grim, he then gave Hyungwon one last assuring glance before he left.
He had a revenge to plan and execute.
.
He recalled he always jokingly said how he just wanted to die, which tended to earn him mild scoldings from the boy. He would only laugh bitterly, telling the taller boy how he too actually wished it would be otherwise. But all the pain had made him numb, and he just failed to see any good in it whenever he thought of it. He couldn’t see any reason to keep his bright-kid facade anymore, and all that left him was the hollow laugh that tinted his face with something eerily off. So why not joke about it too, right? If that even qualified as a joke, that was.
“We’ll go through this together, OK?”, the tall boy smiled softly as he caressed Minhyuk’s cheek, wiping away his tears.
Minhyuk remembered the promise. It was what had kept him sane –enough— all these years, all that kept him from going.
“They are horrible and we’d be separated but it’s not like we’ll be that far apart, Hyung”, he tried to comfort the older.
Never would he imagined that he wouldn’t be the one leaving first.
He found him in the bath tub of their old orphanage. His body half drown in the water, the length of the tub could barely contain his limbs. As he raised his gaze slowly to the boy’s face, he realized the water had somehow disguised the bruises on his cheeks, encasing his face in an ethereal glow.
It was unreal.
The handsome boy looked very serene, probably the most peaceful he had been in the last few years, Minhyuk mused. It was as if he was in a deep sleep, and Minhyuk almost hesitated to wake him up.
Except Hyungwon wasn’t sleeping.
Minhyuk tried to take it in, but it wasn’t working all that well. He wanted to beat himself for leaving Hyungwon earlier, all taken over by rage and the heat of revenge. Who knew? Maybe had he stayed longer, he would be able to prevent this, would be able to hold the boy’s arms in place had he tried anything stupid (which he did) and cocooning him in his warmth instead. But all that he could think of was how confusing this dream was. And even as he still was denying reality, he still couldn’t believe the unfairness of it all.
Hyungwon was a kind person, he was kind to a fault up to the point that no one, not even the asshole soldiers could be rude to him. It was so much in contrast compared to him and the other boys in their neighborhood. Jooheon would openly curse and cuss every time something didn’t go his way. Minhyuk would outright punch a soldier despite the consequences and his rather lithe figure. Hyunwoo would beat the shit out of people if he felt like they deserve it, and the rest of them, though Minhyuk still wasn’t too sure yet, he did believe have plenty other violent traits too.
(Especially Kihyun, he’s deadly vicious with his crutches –but don’t tell him Minhyuk said that, he still didn’t want to be a corpse yet.)
Hyungwon, though?
He would just smile at them, casually asking them mundane questions like an old friend.
“Have you eaten?”
“Do you need help?”
“Aren’t you tired standing there all day?”
He really hadn’t changed at all from back when they were still in the orphanage, and sometimes Minhyuk hated him for that. But it was for the same kindness that surrounded him, encompassed him, that he fell and unconsciously let go the key to his heart that he didn’t even realize still existed. It was only with Hyungwon that he could be sane, him being the only one who could revert him back to the person he once was; the one once crowned to be the sunshine by the caregivers and tutors of the orphanage. As for the others, his current self was merely a deceiving madman disguised in the form of a sweet-looking boy.
Yet here he was, being the one drowning in a tub, nonetheless.
-
It was all or nothing.
There was nothing of importance here in the village they lived in. The place was good for nothing, filled with shitty people and overly abusive authorities. It was cut off from the mainland, far from any semblance of hope of a decent life.
But more than that, there was Hyungwon. There was always Hyungwon. Even though the life they had sucked, they had always had each other’s back, had always supported one another, and sometimes Minhyuk wanted to ask himself whether even the hardships actually had anything to do with what they had. Since a time only God knew when, he had been the only thing that mattered to him. He was all he cared about; he was his world, and literally his life, other than his own flowing blood and beating heart that kept his body alive. His heart was already frozen, but Hyungwon’s pain had then become his, and his happiness was the only light in his dull life.
So really, it was a price he would undoubtedly be willing to pay; any price was.
He couldn’t see himself without Hyungwon. It was them together, or nothing at all. He stared at the taller’s pale hands buried in the tub, the water reflecting the sunlight on his soft skin. He then uncapped the bottle as he peered down at the vial between his fingers, letting the vivid blue liquid drop down into the water.
All in or nothing.
To be with you, or without you.
It was never a question, always as clear as day.
Minhyuk wasn’t the one dying, but when he felt Hyungwon’s now rough yet still soft hand grasped his back in the cold water, he felt like he was the one resurrected back to life instead.
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