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Tony sighed deeply again and turned at his right side once more, trying to find a comfortable position.
Although his pillow and blanket were the most expensive, soft ones, he couldn’t sleep. That was a shame really, he was so tired. He wanted to sleep so badly after being awake for almost three days.
However, no matter what cozy new position he found, it soon became unbearable.
Tony knew what he needed to be able to rest, what he longed for but denied himself fiercely.
A human touch, the cuddle hormones…he mused while turning on his back and staring at the ceiling.
He spends so much time with machines that he forgets he isn’t one of them, and in times like this, his human body reminds him of it.
He wanted a hug, a long lasting one, Tony deduced with sadness.
Since the Avengers moved in he didn’t felt like bringing his one night stands home anymore. He felt somewhat inferior to them if he did that, especially to Steve.
Last time he brought a blond woman to the tower Cap had looked at him with disappointment. And that was the one thing he couldn’t accept, it yields bad memories from his father. So he refrained from bringing people over.
But what Cap didn’t know was that sex is the main source of affection he gets from another human being; to embrace and be held by them just for some minutes, to make love to them without really knowing them, just a warm human body offering companionship to another.
The act itself is what he likes, what he relishes. The idea of connection with another person, the idea of being cherished just for a moment before the hard reality crashed into him.
He is in love with the idea of love, always had been. He felt ashamed to acknowledge this fact, but it was the truth.
Besides, there weren't many people in his life on a daily basis. Rhodey was overseas the most part of the year and Pepper…Pepper was out of the question for now, after their first kiss on the rooftop everything went downhill and she was in California and him in New York.
No wonder he felt alone from time to time.
Tony sighed for the umpteenth time and turned to the left side. Maybe he could ask for a hug from the team, say it was for science or something.
He dismissed that ridiculous thought as soon it came. No reason to be more vulnerable around them, he is the only one who isn’t a spy or an enhanced individual…
In truth, Tony couldn't bear the sight of them together, especially during breakfast when there were all mushy and with bedhead, so domestic. The easiness they have with each other, the fast growing intimacy, and the happiness. It made him feel an outsider like he was intruding. It made him want to claw his own skin.
Bruce had clicked with Natasha as soon the redhead spy moved in and he tried not to feel jealous of his science bro.
Clint moved in with Phil… and that had not been a shock? Discovering Agent was alive!
Thor was in Asgard for all he knows, or maybe he was visiting his ‘beloved Jane’ in secrecy, no one really knows with him.
And Cap was busy discovering the wonders of the twenty-one century.
So he didn’t want to bother them with his gloomy presence more than he already has. And he should stop this pity party; it’s not helping turn his brain off to sleep.
He tried to ban all the thoughts from forming but was useless. He didn’t have control over them.
“Jarvis, turn on the lights”
It said much about his state when his eyes didn't even sting with the bright lights, not needing adjustment from the darkness.
He sat and peered at his big, empty, bed. Nice sheets and warm blankets, not enough to make him rest.
Tony got up and caught his glance in the mirror by chance.
He was pale, the bags under his eyes were prominent and his dark hair made his skin even more ghostly. He turned his face away, no reason to feel more miserable.
He put on his favorite hoodie and went to the kitchen.
The communal floor made him feel more included on the team like he was part of something important; it made him feel less alone. So he used the kitchen there.
It also has nothing to do with his empty cupboards, no, not at all.
He stepped out the elevator no bothering to turn on the lights. The small beam of moonlight coming from the big windows was enough to keep him from stumbling on the furniture.
And that is why he didn’t see the huge figure sat by the countertop observing him with cerulean eyes.
Tony went to the coffee machine, arguing internally about the pros and cons of drinking coffee right now.
Deciding he really wanted to sleep for once, Tony made his choice.
When he turned to the cabinet nearby, to pick up Bruce's tea box, he couldn’t help but scream.
“Tony, Tony calm down it’s just me! Jarvis turn on the lights, please” Steve said while getting up fast and uncurling Tony’s fingers from the jug of the coffee machine that would probably be flying towards his face if he wasn’t quickly enough.
“Cap, are you trying to kill me!?” Tony shouted “In my own kitchen!” he clutched his chest, hand over the arc reactor. “No cool man, no cool at all” Tony was heaving, trying to put air on his lungs.
“Sorry,” Steve said sheepishly as he put the jug back to its place, “I thought everybody was sleeping”
“Thought wrong” Tony snapped tiredly, the little scare drained what was left of his energy.
“Here, have a sit, you look pale” The blond led him, with a hand on his back, to a bench. Tony could feel the heat pass through his hoodie. Steve’s hand was big and comforting; he did the most to not curl into it.
“I have a heart condition you know…” he was still breathing erratically “what are you doing in the dark anyway?” the brunet asked with a glare.
Steve gave him a small smile that resembled a grimace “I couldn’t sleep” he scratched the side of his head.
“Oh! Is something I can help with? Is your bed comfy?” Tony got a hold on his breathing, paying attention to the other man.
Steve looked up at him, noticing the genius expression turn in one of concern. It warmed his heart that someone cared about his needs in this century, even if there is nothing Tony could do to help him.
“My bedroom is alright Tony” The soldier started to explain “it is just that…” Steve thought better, Tony doesn’t need to hear about his silly problems “…uh, never mind” he let out a long sigh.
“No, tell me, I can be a good listener from time to time, I know I have small attention span but I can do it,” The brunet said eagerly.
Steve took in into the genius appearance, the smaller man looked exhausted. Perhaps would be best if he let him do what he was going to do in the first place and go back to bed.
“Maybe some other time; you look like you are about to fall over asleep.”
“Believe me, Cap, I would love to pass out but I can’t sleep either” Tony sighed loudly and rested his face on his knuckles.
"Oh” Steve startled with the raw sincerity on the genius' voice, Tony hardly admitted anything “you know you call me Steve right. We have lived together for three months now”
Tony hummed in agreement.
“Hey, what you were going to drink, I can prepare for you” The blond offered, feeling guilt for scaring the smaller man.
“Uh,” Tony mumbled from his reverie.
Steve chuckled “you weren’t kidding about you small attention span”
Tony blinked slowly, staring at the blond’s face. It was his fatigued brain or Steve was looking fondly at him.
“Ah, tea” He remembered the question with difficulty.
He must have zoned out because there was a cup of tea in front of him and no memory of it being prepared.
The brunet looked up, realizing that the bigger man had a cup of tea as well.
“Come on, taste it, it’s my mom’s recipe” Steve urged the genius; Tony was so quiet that the blond was starting to feel concern. Besides, cold tea was awful.
Tony glanced down again and picked up the cup, bringing it to his lips. He felt his brain curl on itself with warmth. He sighed deeply and contently, this was the best tea he ever had.
“Thank you, I do try” the blond chuckled, noticing Tony didn’t realize he said that out loud.
Tony registered Steve’s voice but the words were lost in him as he took his next sip.
When the brunet looked up again a small smile adorned his face “Thanks, Ca-Steve” he coughed to cover his slip, but, by the smirk on the other’s eyes, he failed.
"So?" Tony cleared his throat. “How are you adapting to the 21st century so far?” He asked, trying to keep the little chat going. But as soon the words left his mouth he knew he did something wrong.
The joviality on Steve’s face vanished; leaving a blank stare in its place.
“C-Steve, are you alright?” The brunet asked worriedly, releasing the cup of tea and reaching the man sitting in front of him… covering the bigger hands with his own; a thing he would never do if wasn’t for his worn-out touch-starved brain at the moment.
Steve looked down at their hands, shoulders dropping. He sighed “I just…I miss them” he glanced away like his admission was a shame.
“Who,” Tony asked puzzled, trying to push his memory for anything amiss.
Steve looked heavily into the other man's eyes as if the weight of the world were on his shoulders “all of them."
“Oh,” Tony’s brain finally catches up with him “you mean people from your time.” He guessed right.
The blond nodded sadly “this world is so different and wrong. And on nights like this, it's so clear in my mind that I don’t belong here.” He inhaled deeply; playing absently with Tony’s fingers on his hand.
The brunet stared transfixed at the action. No one ever touched him like this... so casual, a mindless touch without ulterior motive behind. He couldn’t help but feel enthralled by it.
“You know” He continued “I go to the same museum every week just to see objects and pictures of my time period, it makes me feel like I’m visiting a friend instead of inanimate things...and people are happy for me, they think I’m ‘celebrating, seeing the world’” He says the last part in a condescending tone, as an expression once said to him.
The blond gave a sarcastic laugh that broke Tony’s staring spell “The team thinks I’m settling in, but in reality, I’m just hiding the fact I can’t stand being here, in the future.”
Tony felt his heart clench beneath the glowing metal on his chest. It was his fault, if he hadn’t been such a hermit he would have noticed Steve’s suffering.
He had to do something right now or he risked Steve withdrawing more into himself. Tony could see this was a scream for help, but…
But, what do you say to someone who traveled to the future and is not happy with it? Words aren’t enough and there is no instruction manual for this kind of situation.
He did the only thing his tired brain could manage.
He got up and circled the countertop, coming to stand in front of the soldier, who stared puzzled at him, and suddenly pulled the bigger man into a hug.
Tony could sense Steve’s reluctance and was intending to let him go… what he was thinking anyway, hug Captain America like this, he was probably scaring the other man…
However, before Tony got just a little far, the blond decided to participate too.
Steve was hugging him back, more like squeezing him back, the soldier was strong and soon the brunet found himself engulfed in strong arms that had the size of his thigh.
“I know you miss them. I think you always will to some degree, but you have the team now. Give them a chance to get know you better” Tony heard himself saying, he didn’t know what he was doing. Normally, when he isn’t in public, he is a reclusive man; he doesn't know how to give comfort to another person.
By Steve’s relaxed sigh, the brunet thought he was doing something right at least.
“I know I’m the team’s captain, but I feel like an outsider” Steve said muffled into his hair.
Oh, this can’t be true?! Steve feels just like me, what are the odds, and even sitting he's still the tallest ... this is not a relevant fact right now! Tony chastened himself internally.
“What do you mean, Steve, you always smiling while flipping the pancakes for breakfast, I thought you guys were getting along…”
Tony felt Steve shake his head negatively “It is just breakfast Tony, and after that everybody goes on their merry way and I don’t have anything to do. Clint, Phil, and Nat have SHIELD, Bruce and you have the labs and Thor has a kingdom to rule and a girlfriend. I'm alone”
“No, I am here” Tony refused to let the blond feel that way “from now on I’ll be your guide to the 21st century, I’ll show everything there is to know, you are forbidden to go out without me” The brunet tightened his hold on the large shoulders.
Steve smiled relieved for a short while, wanting to believe his words. And at the same time, he wants to say to the genius to not to bother with him, that he will get over soon with time. Yet, Tony fitted so right in his arms and he felt hope and happiness warm him from inside out for the first time since waking from the ice.
He let himself enjoy this, just for a second.
A second that became a minute, which became minutes; and if Steve hadn’t noticed Tony's breathing becoming less frequent and deep, they would be hugging until tomorrow.
Tony fell asleep in his arms. Something the blond wasn't surprised that happened and glad for, the genius seemed exhausted.
Steve gently turned the man on his chest and leaned down to catch the short legs, securing the genius in a bride style kind of hold.
He looked down at him. Tony appeared to be so peaceful that made him want to give sleep another try.
“Captain, it would be best if you could put Sir on his bed”
Steve glanced at the ceiling, at the British voice, a habit acquired as soon as he moved in. “Of course Jarvis”
The AI conducted him to the elevator and then to the penthouse, towards Tony’s bedroom. Steve couldn’t help but to look around, Tony’s apartment felt so impersonal… He approached the bed and deposited the genius carefully on the mattress, to not wake him.
But by the grumble he heard, he wasn't careful enough.
“Don’t go” The brunet mumbled barely awake “pleass”
His heart flipped like one of his pancakes, how he could resist a request like that. Especially coming from the man he was getting sweet on.
He undid the laces on his boots and climbed into the blankets.
...
Steve can tell that those were the best blankets he slept in during his residence in the tower and in the rest of his life; after all… it was his husband's.
-end