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In her senior year of college, Nyota applied for and received a position as a year-long junior professional officer in the Bangkok office of UN Development Fund for Women, commonly known in the diplomat and activist world as UNIFEM. She'd really only applied because the diplomat she had worked for on and off since getting an internship in high school had gently bullied her into doing so. She'd not really believed she would be offered the position, and was already speaking with her academic advisor about whether to go straight to graduate school or work for a couple of years when the offer came through.
After reading the letter no less than four times, she texted Bones, "Can I come stay at home tonight?"
His text back came so quickly, she wasn't sure how he'd had time to type it. "Why is that even a question?"
Hearing it in Bones' grouchy, eye-roll-y tone in her head helped her relax for a moment. Yes, going home was the right thing to do.
*
Jamie had graduated with a mechanical engineering degree from Rutgers the year before, gotten a job through Peter at a company that developed medically-related nanotechnology, and moved into an apartment with 'Karu. 'Karu was in his second year of night school at Bronx Community College, where he was pursuing twin AAS-degrees in horticulture and environmental technology. Compared to her, they were both settled, safely taking care of themselves.
She leaned into Jamie for a moment after kissing him and he wrapped his arm around her. "Hey there. You okay?"
"Yeah," she said, but before she could even really finish the word, her breath started to quicken until it was too fast to do much good. She tried to convince herself there was enough air, that her lungs were fine, but the feeling of not really being able to take in oxygen made the cycle of panic worse. She could hear the boys talking to her, vaguely feel one of them rubbing her back. She worked to focus in on them, on being present.
She'd had panic attacks before, but it had been a while, so this one was taking her by surprise. At first, when they'd been rescued, when they were safe enough for breaking down to be a possibility, they had been kind of regular. But then Bones had gotten them all in therapy and Nyota had learned techniques to both avert the attacks and cope with them when she got them. The last one she'd had was before she decided to live in the dorms her sophomore year of college, to try and be more independent, more like the others in her age group. It took her a second, but in the end, the ways she had learned to walk herself through the attacks were a bit like muscle memory.
When she was able to think clearly, she found herself sitting on the stairs, her head between her knees. Jamie and 'Karu were on either side of her. She said softly, wary of the headache she knew would follow the attack, "Water?"
'Karu squeezed her wrist and got up to go get her some. Jamie said, "So, not so okay, huh?"
Nyota sighed. "Wait till Bones is home. I want to talk to all of you about it."
*
Bones had long ago made it clear he wasn't making any major life decisions for them. When they were kids, he'd sometimes shut down their desire to eat candy all day, or require that they come home from the neighborhood park by dusk, but he hadn't curbed their choices in fashion, let alone studies or friends. She knew he wouldn't make this decision for her, but she needed some perspective, and despite having made close, good friends in college, these were still the people she most trusted to look after her best interests.
"If it weren't far," 'Karu ventured, "would you want to do it?"
"Yes." In a heartbeat. She didn't really even have to think about the question.
'Karu and Jamie shared a look she knew. It was the look where neither of them wanted to say something and they were secretly arguing about who had to. Jamie always won, and always relented upon winning. As such, it was predictably Jamie who said, "You should go."
Nyota raised an eyebrow. Jamie stared out the window for a moment, and then looked over at her. "It's far, but it's not so far we can't get you home if you need to come home."
"And they kind of win, a little, if you don't." 'Karu didn't look at her as he said it, didn't even look up from the floor.
"No," Bones said. "Other people make fear-based decisions. I'm not saying it's the best idea, but it doesn't make you broken and it sure as hell doesn't mean you let those assholes get the last say. If you want to go to Bangkok, try this, you want that more than you want to stay, then we'll make that happen. But if being near friends and family is a higher priority, it's not as if you're going to have trouble finding a great position stateside."
Nyota rubbed at the back of her neck. "I have until the first of next month to make a decision. I'm gonna think it over."
"Good," Bones nodded. "That's good."
Jamie smiled suddenly. "It'd be pretty bitchin'. To visit you in Bangkok, you know?"
She gave him a playful shove and he went along with it, pretending to fall out of his chair.
*
Her roommate, Gaila, who was pursuing education in America but lived in Sweden, helped her with preparation for culture shock and keeping in touch with those at home. Tony set her up with cutting edge telecommunication technology and offered his jet, should an emergency arise. Gee and Neal gave her 8"x10" prints of art they knew she liked.
Everyone helped in their own way, and there was a genuine throng at her 'goodbye-for-now' party. Even Joanna came up from Savannah, where she'd moved after college. And Une deigned to show up, even thought Nyota knew the other girl was pissed at her for, direct quote, "fucking off to halfway around the world."
*
She used the day before she had to go into the office to do some grocery shopping. She didn't speak Thai, but between her willingness to try the phrases and words she'd taught herself since accepting the position, and Thai people being agreeable to working with her or finding someone who could translate, she got along.
Her first day of work was a whirlwind. She woke up at six the next morning to catch Bones, Jamie and 'Karu on a conference call. Jamie had a million questions, some of which were probably 'Karu's and Bones', delegated to him. Nyota couldn't stop smiling as she told them about the language misunderstanding she'd had at the bank, and the way she'd been introduced to the regional director of UNIFEM, and how her bosses were trusting her with exciting tasks.
She even smiled through saying, "I wish you were here, though. That'd—then it'd be perfect."
*
The EA was a twenty-something Thai male named Vit Somwan, one of the only male employees in the whole regional office. Nyota was pretending she was a total professional, and not at all turned on by the way he believed in what they were doing, but managed not to be self-righteous about it. Also, he'd offered to help her with her Thai, which was Nyota's not-so-secret weakness.
All in all, it was the worst place possible to feel her breath speeding up and see her vision begin to blur at the edges. Leaving would be unforgivably rude, but staying would be mortifying. She pushed her chair back and said something, hopefully something polite and sensible, and forced herself not to run as she left. She tried to find a bathroom, but the attack was full-blown by the time she got out of the room, and she ended up practically running into a wall, sliding down it.
She would have screamed when someone touched her if she'd had the air to do so. Rather, she reacted instinctively, protecting herself as best possible with a none-too-gentle shove at the source of the hand. There was a sound and some murmuring and then someone was talking. Nyota was concentrating on her breathing, so it took a while for her to realize the person was counting a respiratory pattern, one she was unconsciously following.
When the worst of it was past, only shakiness, nausea and the throbbing in her temples left over, Nyota focused on the person who had helped her. She was dressed professionally, her hair pinned back somewhat severely, but her eyes and her smile were both soft. She asked, "Are you all right?"
Nyota conjured up a wobbly smile. "Everything but my ego. And possibly my professional reputation."
The woman's smile widened, and she sat down next to Nyota. "You're the new junior officer, yes?"
Nyota held out a hand. "Nyota Uhura McCoy."
"Keiko Ishikawa. Coordination and planning specialist. I was in Cairo last, Dakar before that. The first time I left Japan, though? I was twenty-five, scared to death, and I actually cried in front of one of my co-workers who was traveling with me. I wasn't even that far from home.
"I was working for the Japanese government at the time, and had been sent on a three month assignment to Taiwan with a group of four. The airline lost my luggage and normally I would have blown it off, but it was just the last straw, you know?"
"I do," Nyota agreed.
Keiko reached out to pat her knee. "Listen, I've been in this office for almost three years now. Kira, your deputy rep, got into an actual bar fight about six months ago and had to come in with a black eye and two broken fingers. Ro, your boss? Accidentally discovered a life-threatening allergy to shellfish during a dinner with three state officials and had to be rushed to the hospital, disrupting talks that had been planned for the better part of a year. Preya, the finance woman? Got the flu at work once and vomited on a co-worker's shoes. Trust me, nobody around here is judged for much of anything, let alone the unavoidable stuff."
Nyota wanted to take her shoes off, dig her feet into the carpet, feel grounded. She wanted it to be Jamie or 'Karu or Bones touching her. She wanted to be on her bed, Gaila across the room, chattering brightly. She knew all about wishing though. "They always feel like they should be avoidable."
Keiko tilted her head. "Yes, well, I'm fairly certain if they were, the majority of people who have panic attacks would automatically stop."
It got Nyota to smile, even if she couldn't quite manage a laugh. "I take your point."
"C'mon." Keiko stood and offered her hand. "Let's go get you some water and sneak you back into the conference room. I bet everyone in there is concerned but doesn't feel like they know you enough to come after you."
The last thing Nyota wanted was to go back into that room, but amongst the things her life had taught her, she had damn well learned that running never got a person anywhere. Staying and fighting might suck, and she might lose, but she'd at least have lost on her own terms.
She got back to the conference room shortly thereafter, glass of water in a still somewhat-shaky hand. She said, "I'm so sorry."
Preya asked if there was anything they could do. The others echoed her concern either by expression or murmured agreement. Nyota thought she had a good chance of winning this round.