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It was February when Angus first saw Gregg.
The sunset was a vibrant orange that afternoon as Angus slowly walked home from school. He kept stopping and going. The sidewalk squares looked so big under his feet. It felt like he could just slip into them and fall forever. He didn't want to go home. The bruise on his back had ached all day through his classes. Hidden under layers of dress shirts and sweaters.
A breeze picked up some leaves by Angus' feet. It was chilly. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn't walk. The sidewalk blurred. He hadn't cried in a while.
"I wish you'd gotten stabbed by your pencil and gotten lead poisoning."
"Oh yeah? I wish you'd gotten stabbed, fallen backwards, and hit your head on the chair so that your neck snapped."
"I wish you'd—hey. Isn't that the kid from our class?"
Angus stiffened at the voices and hastily wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater. Today is terrible. He just wanted to curl up in the tub in his bathroom, read, and try to block out all the screaming.
"Hey! Angus, right?" The class clown of their class, Mae, said as she walked up behind him. She was wearing her characteristic red T-shirt and holding a baseball bat over her shoulder. She kind of scared Angus. A boy stood behind her wearing a black, leather jacket. He smiled and his eyes seemed to grin all by themselves.
"Is he your friend?" The boy in the leather jacket asked.
"Naw, he's a kid from class. His dad knows my dad."
Angus wanted to leave. He pushed up his glasses and quickly said, "hello, Mae."
The boy smiled with an unusual amount of excitement and stepped closer. "I'm Gregg. I just moved here so let's get along."
Angus nodded and pushed up his glasses again, "alright. But I'm not particularly the best friend to have. I'm not really in the habit of socializing—"
Mae snorted and slapped Angus on the back. "No matter! How about you come play can baseball with us?" Mae reached around and unzipped her backpack so that Angus could see that it was filled with crushed soda cans. They smelled sickly sweet. Angus paused. He hadn't been invited out to play in so long. In the back of his mind he calculated how angry his parents would be. The bruise on his back ached.
"I don't know—" he started but Gregg flailed his arms and cut him off with a "come on, we're doing this!"
So Angus was dragged along to play can baseball. He only hit a few and the aluminum glittered in the setting sun when they flew over the junkyard. It was kind of pretty. Gregg tossed the soda cans and laughed so much Angus wasn't sure how he could exist. How someone could be so happy. It was a mystery.
The sun had set by the time he made it back home. His father was not happy.
"I wish the vending machine had fallen on you and crushed your head to bits."
"I wish the vending machine had eaten your credit card, fallen on you, and fallen on your phone."
"Ouch. I wish your phone fell while you were holding it and landed on your head and broken into hundreds of pieces of glass."
"That was kinda wordy." Gregg laughed as he punched Mae in the arm.
"Yeah, I guess." Mae shrugged and punched Gregg a little harder back.
Angus watched from the sofa, pretending to read his English homework when in reality he couldn't concentrate with all the commotion. Instead he watched the violent yet good-natured friendship in front of him. In a way, Angus was jealous that Mae and Gregg got along so well. In another, it was almost incredible how well their personalities fit together. Angus looked back down at his book.
"Hey, Angus, where do you live?" Mae asked, leaning over the back of the sofa to look at him. The question caught him a little off-guard so he paused before answering with a vague, "we just changed houses because my dad got laid off."
Mae nodded though and smiled vaguely. "Do you want to go commit some crimes with us later? We'll be going to the abandoned farm up North and spray paint it with stuff." A few cans of spray paint were lined up by Mae's bedroom door. Angus knew his parents were going to be home that night from the bar because it closed early. "I can't."
Gregg frowned, "why not! You never come with us anymore." That's because every time I do my parents beat me for staying out late, Angus thought absently. Gregg didn't take his silence for an answer though and jumped onto the couch. "You should come with us. It's always fun when you do." Angus felt his heart warm painfully for a second. It had been happening a little more often lately. It always hurt. Angus shook his head, "can't." He moved to pick up his hat from the couch cushion but Gregg took it first and held it behind his back. "Come on, please, Angus?"
Angus sighed. He wanted to but all his limbs were already sore and he didn't think he could walk all the way to the abandoned farm even if he wanted to. "Gregg, can I please have my hat back?" Gregg stuffed the hat into his shirt and smiled, "wrestle me for it."
"Wrestling match!" Mae yelled and flung her paws into the air. She jumped onto the back of the couch to watch. Angus felt his stomach drop. Gregg was the first to move and pushed Angus into the couch cushion. His hand landed on Angus' shoulder and he could barely suppressed a pained sound. It sounded pitiful—all hurt and sad. Angus hated it. Gregg lifted his hand in confusion, "sorry, I didn't think I tackled you that hard." "You didn't," Angus said curtly before he gently but firmly shoved Gregg off him and walked to the door. He walked onto the street and the wind hit him with a cold intensity. "Angus, wait!" Mae called from her window but Angus pretended not to hear her and kept walking. He clutched his shoulder. It hurt. His chest hurt. Everything was painful.
His father beat him that night for losing his hat. "That was expensive, you brat," he screamed as he shoved Angus into the wall. It wasn't soft like Mae's couch. It was all cement. He didn't cry, he never did. Only when he was alone.
Then it rained.
"Here's your hat back," Gregg said quietly as he presented Angus with his hat. They were standing in front of the mirrors in the men's restroom at school. Gregg's knuckles were white around the brim he clutched.
"Thank you," Angus said as he took the hat and put it back on his head. He felt a little more safe. Gregg looked like he was about to cry. All the stalls were empty and there was probably only three minutes left before the bell rang for class to start. Gregg didn't know what to do in situations like this. It was a little overwhelming. He didn't know how to handle feeling his heart beat, Gregg's crying, school, anything. He was powerless. Gregg pulled a few sheets of paper towel from the dispenser and loudly blew his nose into it. Tears dripped down his cheeks. "I'm sorry, Angus. I didn't mean to make you mad. I just wanted you to stay and play with us."
"I know you didn't mean to. It wasn't your fault. You shouldn't be upset. It's just me."
"But I hurt you—" Gregg sobbed and Angus had to pull out another sheet of paper towel because the damp ball Gregg was holding didn't do anything.
"You didn't hurt me. My shoulder was already hurt and you only applied some pressure onto it." Gregg looked at him and Angus felt like Gregg's tears were something that should never happen. The happiest person shouldn't be made sad. If God existed, that should probably be considered a sin. Gregg looked confused and his tears stopped for a moment before he stepped a little closer and Angus couldn't breathe. Gregg lifted his hand and gently pressed it against Angus' shoulder. Angus winced at the dull, heavy pain. "Don't—" he muttered but Gregg's hand moved to his arm and pressed there and all the old injuries flared to life again. Angus seethed and steadied himself against the sinks, "Gregg, stop. That hurts." Gregg frowned and in one swift movement pulled up Angus' sweater sleeve. On his arm were a series of blue-yellow bruises and red welts. Angus quickly yanked his arm away and pulled his sleeves back down. He felt his hands go clammy, "don't tell Mae please."
Gregg stared at him, his usual happiness wiped off his face. "That's—"
Angus grabbed his backpack from off the ground and opened the bathroom door. Gregg caught his hand. "Angus, let's talk about this." "No..." "Please, we should. We're friends. Tell me about what's happening."
Angus sighed and tightened his hand around his backpack straps. The bell was about to ring and if he was late then the teacher would call his parents and he would get yelled at again. Still, his hand was hot where Gregg was holding it and he didn't think he'd be able to not cry if he just went back to class. Angus let the door close and walked into the nearest stall, waiting until Gregg was in too before locking the door. They stared at each other in silence for a moment before Angus dropped his backpack and took a deep breath. He slowly pulled his sweater over his head and unbuttoned his dress shirt. Gregg watched silently as Angus revealed the bruises, cuts, and other injuries that littered his chest. There was a deep purple bruise that wrapped around his ribs from where he'd been hit with a beer bottle a few nights ago.
They stared at each other. Gregg didn't let go of Angus' hand. And then Angus didn't cry by himself for once.
"We should escape," Gregg said as they walked down the street from Donut Wolf. It was already dark outside but the lanterns lit the sidewalk. "I'm serious, we can just pack up our stuff and leave to the next town. Hitch a ride on the train and never come back." Angus smiled and shook his head, "and then we'd be homeless. We have to wait until we're adults so that we can get jobs."
Gregg frowned and kicked a rock down the street, "I don't want you to get hurt anymore. It makes me so mad that sometimes I feel like murdering your parents. murdering everyone in this stupid town."
Angus was silent for a moment and then said, "but there are good people too. Like Mae and her parents. And I think that you're a good person too, so you wouldn't murder somebody no matter how bad they were."
Gregg stopped on the sidewalk. "I wouldn't kill anybody normally but when I think about someone hurting you—even though you're so nice and haven't even done anything—I get so mad I feel like I'll go crazy.' Gregg looked down at his shoes, "does that make you hate me?"
Angus chuckled and took Gregg's hand, "it doesn't make me hate you. I'm not as nice as you think I guess."
When Gregg looked back up at him Angus swore he could see the starry sky in his eyes. "Angus, does your heart ever feel really nice?" Angus was confused, "what do you mean?" Gregg looked back at the ground and his cheeks slowly turned red, "I mean, does your heart ever like...you know...get warm and like shaky." Angus thought about it, "no, mine only aches." He pressed his hand over his heart.
"When does it ache?"
"I don't really want to discuss this."
Gregg turned to Angus and looked serious. Angus wondered why when he first met Gregg he thought that he could never be serious. Gregg reached out and took Angus' hand and slowly brought it to his heart too.
"When I'm with you. That's when my heart feels the best."
Angus didn't know what to say but it was okay because Gregg turned red and ran off in his black boots. Angus watched him run into the night, illuminated by the white full moon. His boots echoed down the street. His heart hurt. It hurt so much he'd thought it would bleed.
Angus bled silently all the way home.
It was the weekend and so Angus didn't see Gregg. He sat in his room and replayed the events from the night before over and over inside his head. He wondered if this meant that Gregg loved him. He wondered what love was and if it felt bad because his heart only ached when he thought about Gregg.
"Love," Angus said aloud. It sounded odd. He hadn't heard the word very often. He felt his heart beat faster, loud in his ears. He wondered if the feeling would go away.
He didn't really want it to go away.
A rock flew against his window at exactly 12:24 am. Angus knew who it was before he even got out of bed. He padded to the window and carefully opened it, lest his parents wake up and call the police. Sure enough, Gregg was standing in his lawn with a handful of pebbles. Angus signaled for him to wait and then snuck down the stairs and out the backdoor of the house.
"Gregg, what are you doing?" Angus asked as he warily walked into the garden.
"Mae's in trouble. We were out in the forest drinking and the log she was walking across snapped and she fell. I think her leg's broken but we can't tell anyone because we were out in restricted land. Please help." Angus nodded and then followed Gregg through the town until they reached the edge of the forest. "Okay, this way," Gregg panted and then jumped down into a ravine. At the bottom of the hole, Mae was sitting on a log, cradling her leg. It was obvious that she'd been crying but she wiped her eyes when she saw them. "Took you long enough. I thought I was going to be eaten."
"Sorry, we came as fast as we could," Gregg said, "Angus, I'm too small, but you should be able to carry her." Angus nodded and kneeled down so that Mae could get on his back. Mae wrapped her arms around Angus' neck and he stood up.
"Thank god," Gregg muttered. "Okay, I guess we'll drop you off at the hospital." Mae gritted her teeth, "no, just take me home. It's probably going to be fine." Gregg paused, "if you say so."
They slowly made it through the night to Mae's house and dropped her off. Her mother looked angry but relieved. It was okay. Mae thanked them both and told them that she'd treat them to some some donuts later.
Angus and Gregg were left alone in the dark street. The stars and constellations were brighter that night than Angus had ever remembered. Gregg's fur seemed to glow in the moonlight. Gregg was being awkwardly silent.
"What did you mean the other day" Angus asked quietly because it seemed wrong to break the silence. Gregg was silent for a moment before he took out a cigarette and lit it. Angus raised an eyebrow, "you smoke?"
Gregg shook his head, "not usually, but I was nervous and Mae's friend Bea gave it to me." He coughed a little and then took in another breath. "Sorry, I must be acting like super weird. I didn't mean for this to be weird. I just meant for it to, uhm, be." Angus felt his heart constrict again. So this was love.
He took a step closer to Gregg and took the cigarette out of his mouth. He then put the stick in his own mouth. The smoke hit the back of his throat and there was a smokey vanilla aftertaste. Perhaps Angus could understand if it was like this. Gregg watched him with wide eyes.
"How does your heart feel when you're with me?" Angus asked. The smoke was a white fog between them. Gregg smiled a little lopsidedly. "It feels a little like this smoke I guess. It's good, but it hurts because I know you don't like me the same way. If we're running with this metaphor, I guess it kind of feels like I'm slowly dying. But it's okay, because it's good."
Angus nodded his head and dropped the cigarette. He saw the hurt in Gregg's eyes a second before Angus kissed him. Then he couldn't see because he closed his eyes. He pulled back slightly, "my heart hurts when I'm near you. So much that sometimes I can't breathe. I think that's love. At least the kind I know."
"I love you," Gregg said breathlessly.
"Teach me how to," Angus said and Gregg blushed before he pressed Angus against the bus stop near them and kissed him again.
"We can still run away," Gregg said, "I'll take you anywhere you want."
Angus smiled and squeezed Gregg's hand, "anywhere is fine if I'm with you. Next year I'll be old enough to move out. I'll get a job and we can live together. Then we'll save up enough money to go to the sea."
Gregg smiled and leaned his head on Angus' shoulder.
"Sounds like a plan."