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I realized, I belong to you. I feel the darkness when away from you, eh.
the cold winter air in seoul bit into baekhyun’s skin despite the layers cloaking him, but he had to be out, he owed it to yixing.
yixing.
baekhyun’s breath caught thinking of him, his heart throbbed with the all too familiar ache of missing him. all the remaining warmth he felt- albeit little-escaped his body, now was not the time. it hasn’t been too long since he was last with yixing, but thinking of their last interaction cut into baekhyun’s skin more than the cold currently did, so it was not his favorite topic to dwell on.
finally, he arrived to the place he was searching for, but it suddenly daunted on him where he was and what he was going to do and he could feel himself settle into the familiar darkness that suffocated him when he thought about it. he turned away, ashamed of himself and walked back home.
this was the third time that week he’d gone to that place and backed out right at the steps. he was yixing’s, and yixing was his so why did it turn out the way it did?
even now, so many months later and baekhyun sometimes finds himself accidentally wandering to yixing’s old apartment, until he realizes what he’s doing and turns away again.
//
Don't stop your lovin', walk out on me. Don't stop for nothin', you're what I bleed. I learned to love you, the way you need. ‘Cause I know what's pain, this is not the same.
baekhyun sat at the table yixing and he first met at, some days (like today) baekhyun likes to spend his day here, sometimes the thought of yixing and his love didn’t threaten to consume him nearly as much as it usually did, so he enjoyed reminiscing. sitting at this table, he can almost hear yixing’s laugh, he can almost see every detail of yixing’s face when it broke into a smile, dimple peeking through and eyes curving upwards.
baekhyun choked on a sob, everything’s a mess yixing. why won’t you come back?
he left the restaurant, to stroll through their favorite street. baekhyun likes to think every time they walked in this street, he fell a little more in love with yixing (and they walked here almost daily, sometimes more than once a day). he sees himself laughing when yixing complains about how loud baekhyun is, he sees yixing giving baekhyun his scarf when it was cold and baekhyun forgot to put one on, he sees yixing taking baekhyun’s hand in his own with a smile, he sees yixing taking a moment to comprehend what baekhyun is saying because though he’s fluent in korean, it’s still hard sometimes, he sees yixing teasing baekhyun on his short stature, (and baekhyun biting back, telling yixing he’s not much taller than baekhyun is), he sees yixing looking at baekhyun with nothing but adoration and love in his eyes.
and suddenly baekhyun feels his knees go out, tears streaming down his face. his chest hurts with the hollow feeling that comes when he thinks of yixing. he can feel people’s stares on him, probably wondering what was so wrong that this strange man collapsed to his knees in tears in the midst of an empty street. it wasn’t fair really, yixing wouldn’t have to deal with this, not the way baekhyun does.
baekhyun sees yixing in everything, he sees him in every smile, he hears him in every laugh, he sees him in the very breath he takes. it’s exhausting really, missing someone this much, he was sure if you cut into his skin he’d bleed yixing out onto the concrete.
//
I'd be nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing without you. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.
baekhyun took another swig at his drink, already feeling himself getting drunk. who was he kidding with his act? he’s drowning in sorrow, he’s drowning in the memory of yixing, of yixing’s lips in his, of yixing’s smile, of yixing’s hands around baekhyun’s waist, of yixing.
he couldn’t escape it, this hurt is beyond him. he misses yixing so so much. he doesn’t do much anymore but drink and sleep, at least in his sleep he can pretend everything is okay, that it was what it used to be, but when he’s awake it’s hard to convince himself he’d ever be okay again.
is it normal to miss someone this much? to feel like the mere memory of them is enough to reduce you to nothing once more. he truly was nothing now, and he wasn’t sure he cared to fix himself anymore.
//
I was too busy tryna find you with someone else. The one I couldn't stand to be with was myself
he stared at the man in front of him, so tall and clumsy and unbelievably bright. baekhyun almost cringed thinking that was how he used to be. the man, chanyeol, was pretty, with large eyes, a nice straight nose, paired with plump lips, he was in a perpetual state of smiling. chanyeol has a dimple on his left cheek, which reminds him of yixing’s (much deeper) dimple on his right cheek. baekhyun suddenly was swarmed with memories of him poking yixing’s dimple, of him kissing his dimple, and it all suddenly became too much. he couldn’t do this, it wasn’t fair to chanyeol.
“i’m sorry, i have to go. you were wonderful, i-” baekhyun’s voice cracked, and he hated himself for how easily the tears sprung to his eyes. chanyeol’s face dropped, and baekhyun hated himself even more for the absolute ass he was being, but he couldn’t take it anymore. he felt so terrible for chanyeol, the man deserved better than this, and baekhyun couldn’t give him what chanyeol wanted.
“i understand.” chanyeol’s reply came out almost as a whisper, and baekhyun won’t be able to let go of the hurt he can hear in the other man’s voice.
“i’m sorry, i just can’t do this. you’re lovely, and i’m an ass. i’m sorry.” baekhyun apologized profusely as he left the coffee shop, before the walls could close in on him. he couldn’t breathe properly, every breath reminded him of his never ending pain.
how he continued to live with himself is something he can’t, for the life of him, seem to figure out.
//
Pick up your phone, I got a question, oh If I die tonight, would you regret it, whoa?
he was drunk again, but then again when is he not drunk anymore? this time he was drinking in the confines of his own apartment, which became too suffocating when he stumbled upon a trinket of yixing’s he forgot to put away and very pathetically had a meltdown over. once his sobbing subsided he opened his alcohol drawer and went for the strongest drink, he needed a blackout kind of night.
around two am baekhyun found himself calling yixing’s old number, only to be greeted by the voicemail, but it was still yixing’s voice speaking and he wishes it didn’t hurt so much to just hear yixing’s voice, he hadn’t heard it in so long, too long really.
“i miss you, i miss you so fucking much it hurts to breathe without you. why won’t you come back. can you please come back. i’m sick of living without you. so, so tired,” baekhyun’s voice was slurred because of the alcohol, but he was also choking on every word. he gritted his teeth as he felt hot tears stream down his cheeks. “everything is so much harder, i knew it would be hard-i just, didn’t think it would be this hard. when you left you took some part of me with you and now i can’t fix myself, i can’t do it, i can’t-” the voicemail beeped, signaling that he had run out of time.
he had run out of time, with yixing. he thought he would have their entire lives, but one day yixing was there and another he was just gone. and it ruined baekhyun.
//
Don't stop your lovin', it's all I have. 'Cause I can't function, no I won't last I swear I'll love you just like the past. 'Cause I know what's pain, this is not the same.
the day yixing left was one of the most vivid memories baekhyun had, which was torture in of itself, because it was the worst day in baekhyun’s life. he remembers the rain, it wouldn’t stop raining that entire day, and the bad feeling he had from the moment he woke up just kept growing. something was wrong, but baekhyun couldn’t put his finger on it.
they had just left their favorite restaurant, yixing was exhausted as usual so they decided it would be best to retire for the night.
“you’re much too tired to be driving tonight old man,” baekhyun teased, trying to lighten the dark mood as usual, and it worked of course. yixing’s tired face lit up in a smile and baekhyun was so distracted by yixing’s smile he didn’t notice where he was walking, until it was too late.
he could vaguely remember hearing someone, yixing, call out his name. it sounded like a shriek, but it felt like time was slowing down. it felt like an out of body experience, he could see the bright lights approaching him, closer with every passing second but he stood frozen where he stood. it was hours before he braced himself for the impact…only to feel a sharp push and just like that the lights faded. but it wasn’t him who was hit, baekhyun lay on the side of the road out of harm’s way. someone had saved him-yixing had saved him.
yixing,
the sound baekhyun let out of his mouth was terrifying, it broke his own heart. baekhyun struggled to get onto his feet, he ran to yixing. yixing’s blood was all over his hands as he held onto the other man sobbing his name over and over again, yixingyixingyixingyixingyixing.
it couldn’t have been real, this wasn’t happening. baekhyun couldn’t stop thinking about it in the ambulance watching them struggle to try and revive yixing, and that’s when he knew it was too late, there was too much damage, but he didn’t want to believe it. he remembers whispering something repeatedly, a prayer? a plea?
when they reached the hospital it was just as baekhyun feared, it was too late, and as he stood there, sobs wracking his body splattered with yixing’s blood, it suddenly dawned on him that this was his fault. if only he had been paying attention, if only he had gotten out of the way in time this wouldn’t have happened. it was at that precise moment that baekhyun cracked.
//
When I feel the love, girl I hesitate It's what I'm guilty of, oh yeah I can't get enough, I'm insane Without your touch. I'd be nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing without you. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing without you. Without you, without you, without you.
baekhyun couldn’t stand the way his voice cracked standing in front of yixing’s grave. it’s been a year since the accident and it’s only the first time baekhyun has ever visited yixing’s grave, even now the darkness baekhyun’s found a home in surrounds him, suffocating him once again, but he had to do this.
“yixing-” there it was, the sob that sat at the base of his throat let itself out, and baekhyun dropped to his knees, “i’m so sorry, i should have known, it should have been me, so why did you take the fall for me? we were supposed to,” baekhyun let himself trail off, absolutely incapable of finishing that statement, “we were supposed to have more time. i miss you more with every passing second yixing, i wish you were here. i’m not myself anymore, i don’t think you’d even recognize me. i’m sorry you wasted your life on me, i don’t deserve it. yixing i-” baekhyun choked on his words again, and this time he let himself sob loudly, until he took a deep breath, “i love you. i didn’t get the chance to tell you that day, but i love you. i carry the memory of you with me everywhere i go, i wish it was enough though.”
“i can’t live like this, i can’t live with you gone, but i’m trying. every day i’m trying to make your sacrifice worth it, i don’t want it to have gone to waste, because you deserve better than that. i suspect that i’ll never stop loving you, i miss you yixing.” with that, baekhyun let his head drop into his hands and he sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.