Chapter Text
~We're introduced to the usual WB logo close-up thingy, and it's rusting and collapsing upon itself. Also really loud annoying ringing that is really loud and annoying.~
Audience: THERE IS A GIANT EYEBALL! AND IT IS LOOKING AT US!
ShieldEcho: Am I the only one who thought that this was a really weird way to start a movie?
Scrimgeour: So yeah, these times are fucked up, and we basically have no idea what we're doing.
Audience: …Why can't any of our governments just come out and say that?
Scrimgeour: Okay, can you back the camera up a bit, it's a little too close—Ah, that's better.
Pirates of the Caribbean fans: He looks weird without his tentacles.
Scrimgeour: But hey, at least we're attempting to do something instead of just pretending the problem doesn't exist. We may be arresting all the wrong people, though the Death Eaters did take the time to bust Shunpike out of Azkaban as well so for all we know we could've been arresting all the right people and doing our jobs correctly, we don't know, but at least we're making some attempt, give us credit for that if nothing else.
ShieldEcho: His mouth is weird.
Scrimgeour: All and all, this is a pretty rousing speech that could actually make people believe in our government and insists that it remains strong and will fight back no matter what. This is assuming that we don't die and get taken over, of course, but what are the odds of that happening?
Camera: *gets a shot of him from the back with everyone in the press taking pictures and crap…Apparently the press and the Minister were the only people in the entire Ministry that day, the atrium's blooming deserted*
~When we saw the trailers, we thought that was Sirius. And we were confused.~
Filmmakers: See? See? We're totally showing Voldemort's effect on the Muggle World! All we need is one nameless white Muggle family shown to be already dead in the Prophet, the audience can just assume from there!
Hermione: DAMN IT! MUST! LEARN! TO! READ!
Hermione's nameless mother: Hermione! Tea's ready! Come down and talk to us for once, we get that at your age you want to spend more time with your friends than your parents, but we only met Harry and Ron the one time and I doubt they even know what our names are! You're always over Ron's house, and while we get from what you've told us that Harry's place may not be ideal, you could invite them over here on occasion, you know! And damn it, you're spending time with us this summer, you got that young lady?
Hermione: *sigh* Yes, Mum, I'll be down in a second!
~Her room was rather nice, actually. Kind of expected more bookshelves, but whatever.~
Uncle Vernon: Yeah, that's right, we're back in the films again! Rejoice, however, for this shall be the last time! HUZZAH! Now get a move on, Dudley, so we can finally get the fuck out.
Dudley: Why?
Uncle Vernon: Because it's not safe for us to be here anymore.
Dudley: Why?
Uncle Vernon: Because a bunch of Potter's fellow freaks want to kill us.
Dudley: Why?
Uncle Vernon: Probably just because we have the misfortune of being related to him.
Dudley: Why?
Uncle Vernon: …Your mother had a sister she never talked about, and she fornicated with some useless bastard and it produced that freak of a cousin of yours.
Dudley: Why?
Uncle Vernon: Because that's what can sometimes happen when two or more people have sexual intercourse.
Dudley: Why?
Uncle Vernon: Okay, just shut the fuck up already.
Dudley: Why?
Uncle Vernon: Because I said so.
Dudley: Why?
Uncle Vernon: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!
Harry: *looks out window* You never said no to him before, he's not going to listen to you now.
Aunt Petunia: Wow, we got rid of all the furniture too? That was quick. Probably just needed the space for the Seven Potters scene.
Harry: *comes down the stairs* Aren't you gone yet?
Aunt Petunia: I have lived in this house for twenty years.
Harry: That's nice. I don't care.
Aunt Petunia: And now, in a single night, my entire world has been uprooted.
Harry: Yeah, I have to deal with that on practically a monthly basis, get used to it.
Aunt Petunia: I don't wanna go.
Harry: Well, if you want to stay here and get tortured and die a slow and painful death, then go ahead. I've tried to get you to leave, but if you choose to stay I can't force you. Well, I probably could, but I kind of have other things to worry about. Like people who I actually care about, and who give a damn about me in return.
Aunt Petunia: I know what they'll do if we stay, it doesn't mean I can't bitch about how unfair it is.
Harry: Fair enough.
Aunt Petunia: And now the thing that I might've said in the book if I had had the balls: You didn't just lose a mother that might in Godric's Hollow, you know. I lost a sister.
Audience: …Which is why you decided you'd keep her only son locked in a cupboard for ten years, you fucking bitch. You have not gained our sympathy in the slightest.
Uncle Vernon: I'm starting the car!
Aunt Petunia: Get the fuck out the way. *bashes Harry into a wall as she goes outside*
Harry: Good riddance to bad rubbish. Though it does make sense that I would actually hear that my parents lived in Godric's Hollow, since in the books I kind of just pull the name out of my ass.
~Well that was a weird tangent with Vernon and Dudley earlier. Let's see how Ron's doing.~
Movie watchers: Wait, wasn't the Burrow burned down last film?
Book readers: Yeah really, that's just complete proof that that scene was completely fucking pointless.
Ron: I'm standing outside and staring at the field of long grass or whatever this is, presumably wondering if I'll ever see my home again despite that we already basically moved once already. Really, this would make so much more sense if Film Six took place in the old forested area and now is the first time you see us in this new location.
Molly: Ron! Tell your father that it's time for another of many deleted scenes!
Ron: Okay, let me just stare at the grass for a bit longer…And done. *goes to see his father; yeah, I'm just cramming these scenes in here whenever, I don't really know where they properly go, they were taken out so it wouldn't disrupt the flow of the film's rather gorgeous and well done opening anyway*
Arthur: I'm fixing a radio with a screwdriver. This really adds to the whimsy and wonder of our world.
Ron: What are you doing?
Arthur: They're for the Order. With so many on the run, it keeps them connected with the rest of us. Not that we're really able to get any of them to the people already on the run, but we can do what we can for those who are left.
Man who is decidedly not Lee/River: It's so cute how they're implying that Potterwatch will exist in this version when it won't at all.
Ron: *takes screwdriver and sets it aside* Come on, Dad, Mum's got dinner ready.
Arthur: YAY FOOD. *instantly runs out*
Ron: And people wonder where I get it from…Hey, that one looks like the one I'll have later in the movie. It would probably make sense if I took it during this scene, but I don't think I will. This scene'll be cut anyway, what's the point?
Man who is decidedly not Lee/River: Mr. Westenberg and his wife had, on numerous occasions, provided shelter for a crapload of static that makes most of what I say become completely incomprehensible. As such, I'm borderline useless.
Book readers: Yeah, if it's not Potterwatch, we really don't care anyway.
~And now for the only part of the movie that emotionally affected my parents who also love Harry Potter but who aren't as emotionally attached to all the characters like most of us are.~
Hermione's nameless father: I suppose we're talking about vacationing in Australia this summer?
Hermione's nameless mother: Or something. It's probably where Hermione got the idea.
Hermione: You know, I really should've explained the situation to them, and then obliviated them after they refused to allow their child to be in such a dangerous situation and insisted that I flee the country with them. Then I could at least have the benefit of having a slightly less guilty conscience for doing what I'm about to do, taking comfort in the fact that they wouldn't cooperate and that I had no other choice. Instead, I'll use the power and privilege at my disposal to decide what is right for them. What a good role model this makes me. Oh right, obliviate.
Tom Knight & Heather Bleasdale, Hermione's parents in Film Two: *are replaced with Ian Kelly and Michelle Fairley. YAY RECASTING EVERYONE!*
Book readers: Wait, why would the pictures disappear, wouldn't the memories just be in their heads, or did Hermione take care of that too? And wouldn't they be suspicious as to why they have random pictures of blank walls?
Filmmakers: SHUT UP AND WATCH THE INTENSE SADNESS.
Book readers: Yeah, we'd probably be intensely sad if we knew who these people were. As it is, it's only mildly sad. Also it kind of seems like she just erased their memories and left, the Death Eaters could still totally kill them and stuff.
~Apparently the Grangers liked taking pictures of the sides of their bed. Seriously, how are they supposed to rationalize that? And what if the neighbors ask where Hermione is right before they leave, if they leave, did Hermione modify their memories as well?~
Aunt Petunia: I AM DISCONTENT.
Audience: Wow, that much of the neighborhood was just greenscreen? Weird…
Uncle Vernon: So we're really never gonna see you again, are we, boy?
Harry: Yeppers!
Uncle Vernon: YAYS! *does a happy dance*
Harry: I know, right?
Dudley: I don't get it.
Harry: What else is new.
Dudley: Isn't he coming with us?
Uncle Vernon: Who?
Dudley: Harry.
Uncle Vernon: …Who?
Dudley: *eyeroll* Boy.
Uncle Vernon: Oh. Hell no.
Dudley: Why not?
Uncle Vernon: 'Cause he hates us as much as we hate him, don't you, boy?
Harry: Damn straight. I'd like to spend the rest of my life with people who don't think I'm a waste of space, if that's all right with you.
Uncle Vernon: Works for me. Come on, Dudley, we're outta here.
Dudley: …No.
Uncle Vernon: What do you mean—WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
Dudley: Stepping over the chain thing and walking on the grass.
Uncle Vernon: YOU BASTARD! I DIDN'T RAISE YOU TO BEHAVE LIKE THAT! I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS!
Dudley: Whatever. *offers his hand to Harry*
Harry: … *cautiously accepts it*
Dudley: I don't think you're a waste of space.
Book readers: Hee hee, he said it!
Movie watchers: …You people are weird.
Harry: …Thanks. That means a lot to me.
Dudley: Cool.
Harry: …
Dudley: …
Harry: …Can you let go of my hand now? It's getting severely awkward.
Dudley: O-Oh. Right. Yeah. I'll just…I'll just go now…
Harry: Yeah…
Dudley: *looks back and sort of…wiggles his finger a bit? Um…huh?*
Harry: See you, Big D.
Dudley: Oh, in case you were wondering—
Harry: I know, you really don't have to tell me again. Also you're gonna trip.
Dudley: Crap, too late. *falls on his face*
Harry: LOL.
Uncle Vernon: …What the fuck just happened?
Book readers: As much as we would've kinda liked this scene kept in…This is just too awkward.
Uncle Vernon: …So yeah, leaving now. *gets in car*
Harry: I'm just going to watch you drive away, probably worrying about what's gonna happen to me and my friends in this war we're about to fight in rather than people in a sort of Wizarding Witness Protection Program who I never really liked anyway.
~We get one shot of Ron, two of Harry, and three of Hermione. Shocker.~
Hermione: And now I walk out in the open for the trailer shot. Um, should I, a Muggle-born with a well-known connection to Harry Freakin' Potter, be wandering around like this when Death Eaters could easily target me at any moment? Shouldn't I immediately Apparate somewhere safe as soon as I left the house? Or were we that desperate to have some kind of weird architecture that everyone thought was Malfoy Manor at first in the trailer for part one?
~Oh hi title card. Once again, a distinct lack of Hedwig's theme—What's that? Film Five was the last time it would be accompanied by that music? Well poopie.~