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Mist carried over the fields and grass like a gentle breath, a glimmer of orange sunlight faint in the distance and the dew licked his ankles as Atsushi walked. Though his eyelids were heavy and tired, he could not sleep, and the cold air soothed his body. He drew the shawl closer to his body as he walked along the bridge over the soft trickling stream, further and further away from the estate he’d been a guest in.
Atsushi inhaled and breathed out, softly.
Rattled though he was from those cold gray eyes belonging to a noble aunt who looked down her nose at him, his orphan heritage, and connection to the man that Dazai was besotted with, Atsushi kept his head tall and allowed himself to feel happy for Odasaku, smiling softly to himself.
What a lowly little thing you are, she’d said, corner of her mouth curling. I fail to see what there is about you that’s caught my nephew, so.
His fists curled against his chest, arms crossed, as he frowned heavily. He breathed in the mist through his nose, continuing to walk until he stood in the middle of a brush of lilies of the valley. Only the chirps of birds surrounded him.
I’m afraid I don’t have an answer for you, for I don’t understand either.
Atsushi remembered it with vivid clarity.
The rain, how it poured down with merciless force, and how he’d ran across the bridge to escape the full blow of it. It made his hair curl and stick to his forehead.
The sound of feet following after him, joining him under the roof of the gazebo, and how those dark, dark gray eyes he’d once thought revealed so little suddenly gleamed with such intense emotion it left Atsushi staggering.
I love you-- most ardently.
Atsushi felt his chest tighten and he rubbed his collarbone, exhaling shakily.
Everything he’d come to understand about Akutagawa Ryuunosuke came crashing down that day as the rain poured around them; he had such difficulty understanding how Akutagawa’s previously cold and isolationist attitude, towards him and the people he cared about most, could’ve in any way indicated that he-- that he loved him. Atsushi was so confused, struggling to understand what he previously knew about Akutagawa to what the man had been saying.
He still remembered how his breath caught in his throat when those dark gray eyes looked into his own and Atsushi realized that he was not being played for a fool.
What he’d been saying was true. Every single word.
Then he recalled Akutagawa’s rudeness towards Odasaku, the man who’d been so gracious and kind-hearted enough to take in an orphan who truly had nothing, tearing a potential relationship with Dazai asunder, the stumble of words from the dark-haired man indicating that he knew that Atsushi was beneath him as an orphan-- and the anger festered.
It came out in a vicious flood until they were both shouting at each other.
Atsushi couldn’t explain the thrumming of his heart when there was only inches between their noses, feeling Akutagawa’s breath on his mouth as they both panted for breath after nearly shouting their lungs out in a mess of confusing words and confessions.
Forgive me, Akutagawa had said, with more earnestness than any man who would be lying ought to have. Dark strands of hair sticking to his skin, emphasizing the sharp curves of his cheeks and jawline, he turned and left. Atsushi watched him until he disappeared under the misty coat of rain.
It was a lot for Atsushi to sink in and for weeks, he mulled on that meeting in the rain, unsure as to why his chest was so tightly constricted. He’d not told anybody of that meeting in the rain, not even under the curious eyes of Sakura and the other children, nor the quiet concern of Odasaku’s.
Then came the letter, and everything else that came after.
Atsushi didn’t know when his opinion, and feelings, began to change.
The letter was still tucked away inside his favorite book at home.
Closing his eyes, Atsushi sucked in a low breath, hoping the cold air would soothe him once more. With a sigh, he opened them again. He blinked and turned at the sound of footsteps in the distance.
The hems of the black coat skimmed the tips of tall grass and budding flowers as Akutagawa Ryuunosuke approached through the mist, and Atsushi’s breath caught.
Still, Atsushi stood in place, the other man gradually coming closer and closer. Akutagawa stopped until there were only several feet between them, and he was breathing at pace faster than normal; as if he’d nearly run all the way to where Atsushi was. His clothes and hair were disheveled, as if he’d just left bed, but his gray eyes were bright and wakeful.
Atsushi swallowed hard and met his eyes. Silence apart from the songs of birds fell between them.
“..I couldn’t sleep,” Atsushi murmured.
“Nor could I,” Akutagawa said. His jaw set and thin brows drew together; he looked apologetic and angered at the same time.
It was such a subtle change in expression anyone else would’ve never noticed; Atsushi had come to know better that the aloof and curt Akutagawa Ryuunosuke was anything but expressionless and unfeeling.
“My aunt...” Akutagawa started, pursing his lips as his brows furrowed into tight lines. “How could I possibly amend for her poor treatment of you? Of mine?”
Smile twitching on his lips, Atsushi’s eyes lowered and he shook his head. They opened once more to look up at him from beneath his curled bangs.
“..For all that you’ve done for us, for Odasaku and children, there’s no more need of amends from you. If anything, I...” Atsushi’s eyes lowered once more, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. “I should be the one to apologize now.”
The pause from Akutagwa was heavy, and Atsushi didn’t look up until his soft murmur, “...You know, don’t you? That it was all for you.”
Breath catching quietly, Atsushi lifted his stare once more into those deep gray eyes that seemed so bottomless--- and just as filled to the brim with pure emotion as he was that day in the rain. Where Akutagawa had confessed and Atsushi rejected his proposal, still so confused about his own feelings.
Atsushi wondered if Akutagawa’s own feelings truly hadn’t changed.
He looked at him and saw;
They had not.
“If..” Akutagawa started, lips pursing once more as the words came to him shakily, as if he were untangling a knotted string, “If your feelings.. have remained unchanged, tell me. Tell me and I will abscond from your sight for as long as you wish.”
The words came out stiffly, as if each syllable caused him pain.
Atsushi said nothing, absorbing the words as they slowly came out, patient. Just months ago, he would’ve told Akutagawa to get out of his sight, how dare he say these things that he didn’t mean-- But Atsushi saw the earnestness edging through Akutagawa’s struggle to find the right words and things to say, and he felt the corners of his mouth twitch. Silent, he stayed.
When Atsushi didn’t tell him what he expected to hear, Akutagawa slowly looked up once more. Something akin to hope, something vulnerable and soft that had once been so unlike the man standing before him, flickered across his face as the sun steadily began to rise.
“Because mine have not.”
Atsushi could hear his own pulse in his ears, his chest tight and stomach clenched.
Cautiously, Akutagawa took a step closer.
Atsushi wondered if he was imagining the warmth emanating from him.
“If there is any chance, any chance at all-- that your feelings have changed,” Akutagawa said, “Then I must tell you--
You have bewitched me, body and soul, and I do not wish to be parted from you. From this day on. And I-”
Akutagawa paused to suck in another breath, clenching his jaw as he struggled-- not to get the words out, but to convey. To show his honesty and emotion he’d been so reluctant to be open about, to tear down his own pride and show, not just declare and expect an appropriate response, that he was truthful.
“I love you.”
The words rang in his ears.
Beating hard against his ribcage and collar bone, shaken to the core, Atsushi exhaled and tried to will his heart to calm itself. Closing his eyes briefly, he murmured ‘well then’ in a soundless motion of his lips-- eyes opening, Atsushi took a step closer towards the other man, once more finding emotion now so vulnerable and open on Akutagawa’s face.
He raised his hands to Akutagawa’s, curling his fingers over them and drawing them close. Atsushi smiled at the sharp inhale he heard.
“...Your hands are cold.”
The last word leaving him in a faint whisper, Atsushi raised those hands up to him and he pressed his lips gently to those cold-skinned knuckles, leaving a soft, gentle kiss in his wake. He felt those fingers tremble against his mouth and his smile broadened. Gold-purple lifted to meet wide-eyed, shocked gray, so stormy and vibrant.
Atsushi’s smile was shy, but his eyes and emotion were unwavering.
This time, there was no confusion. There was no anger, no misunderstanding, no pride or pre-determined prejudices and assumptions standing in the way. It’d been a long time coming, this joining: it’d taken a poor first impression, longing mistaken as cold distance and rudeness, an acknowledgement of poor behavior and subsequent apologies. Now, they were here.
And Atsushi knew what he wanted.
He stared back unwaveringly into Akutagawa Ryuunosuke’s gaze and gently squeezed his hands, a gentle smile widening. He hoped that his answer was made clear.
When those hands, so cold from the chill of morning and dew, tightened their hold and squeezed back, Atsushi knew that Ryuunosuke understood.
A ghost of a smile flickered upon Ryuunosuke’s lips, slowly growing until it was all for the world to see. And Atsushi was the first to bear witness to such a privilege.
He hoped it was a smile he would see for the rest of their days.
Ryuunosuke began to lower his head, lips parting, and Atsushi closed his eyes.
The sun rose steadily over the moors and fields as their foreheads gently pressed together, each other’s breath kissing the other’s lips and mouths. Their hands remained clasped together, the cold slowly ebbing away as warmth from the sun’s rays descended upon them.
Only the sunrise was witness when hands cradled each other’s faces and lips, lips that had waited for far too long, finally met.
