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He was wandering through the deserted castle, his black capes billowing behind him, making him appear as dark creature. His capes were not the only similarity. He really was a monster.
This thought was haunting him all the time, ever since he took the mark. And it was burning him from the inside, clawing desperately at his heart ever since that fateful halloween night.
It had been three years already but the pain never stopped, it never got easier unlike what everyone said, unlike Albus said. It was always there, as painful as ever, always getting close to destroying him.
He didn’t feel alive anymore, not really. He was just surviving, because he still needed to do right by her. And Albus, the insufferable old man, was making sure he got up every morning, ate, did his job which he was doing mechanically for the most part, despising everything for the rest.
He just hated it, it hurt too much, getting up every morning to face another day, to face the mocking and insults of every single students, to face the distrust and scorn of his colleagues, to go through his day feeling utterly alone. He had to fight every day, against all of them and against himself and it was simply too much to bear.
He knew he deserved it though. And that was the only thing that was keeping him alive. He needed to atone for his sins, even if it was destroying him. He needed the pain because he had made her suffer.
But sometimes he just wanted it to stop. He had even stopped wishing for her not to be dead. He had realized that one night as he gazed upon the mirror of Erised. He had hoped to see her again as he always did but that night she wasn’t there. It was the exact reflection of the room he was in but there was no one. And he had realized that what he desired most was simply for him to stop existing.
Had it happened before, he would probably have cried, he would have punched the walls but now he had just felt numb and oh so cold. He had stood there staring at the lack of reflection and then he had simply laughed. But that realization had only dug an even deeper hole in his chest. And now he always felt like holding himself to stop himself from falling apart completely.
He desperately needed someone to help him, to hold him, to look at him with less contempt than everybody else did, he needed to feel less alone and he felt so weak because of it. But the need was too strong and he couldn’t bear it any longer. And now, having given up all dignity, he was making his way to Albus’ rooms.
He didn’t even know if the old man would be awake. How pathetic was that… He was like a child running to his parents after a nightmare… Well, that’s what he was really. Just a child… He always felt so young and lost and hopeless. Why did he have to go through all that? Why did he have to do this alone? He had finally arrived to his mentor’s apartment. But he still couldn’t bring himself to knock on the door. Instead he simply rested his forehead on the dark wood, drawing strength from the magical signature that stemmed from the wards. Then, after taking a deep breath, he rapped on the door to signal his presence.
It opened almost immediately and Severus stepped inside. The atmosphere was warm and inviting, he could smell the fragrance of freshly brewed tea. It felt so good after so much time spent in the cold and damp atmosphere of the dungeons that it was almost enough to make him cry. He hung his head low and circled his arms around himself in shame at his own weakness and waited for his mentor to enter the room.
« Hello my boy! What brings you here on this fine evening? »
The cheerful tone almost made Severus flee the room. That damn fool… he knew perfectly why he had come, why did he insist on torturing him so?
But Albus wasn’t expecting an answer. Instead he simply gestured at Severus to sit on the couch next to him. But the young man simply remained where he was. With a sigh Albus sat in front of him, nursing his tea cup and waited for Severus to talk. Just when the silence was becoming too tense, he finally whispered:
« why… why are you making me stay here? you know I can’t… I can’t do it, I just can’t, you know that, why can’t you just let me go… please… ». His voice was breaking and his face was now completely hidden behind his dark hair.
« my dear boy, why are you saying such nonsense? »
That broke the dam. Severus raised his head, his feature were contorted in pain and rage and he yelled, his voice barely understandable:
« You know perfectly well why you old fool!!! You knew how I would feel for me to come back here! You know how hard it is! Why can’t you just let me die?! I fulfilled my promise, I did my best, every day, for years! I did everything you asked of me! It’s over now! She’s gone! The dark lord is gone! None of them are coming back! Please end this! I can’t do it anymore ! I can’t… I just can’t… »
He could no longer keep the sobs out of his voice, it was just too much. So he just let the tears fall from his closed eyes.
Suddenly he felt warm arms circling his trembling frame, holding him close. He just couldn’t find it in himself to get away. He needed the comfort too much. Even if he knew perfectly well Albus didn’t care about him. He was just another pawn on his chessboard.
But he couldn’t bring himself to care about that, so he allowed himself to just be comforted for once, drawing as much hope and strength as he could from the embrace, hoping it would be enough to last him for the years he had to go before he could finally sleep.