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The woman waited until her new acquaintance was well out of sight and earshot before allowing herself to sink back against the wall and sigh. He was wrong, he had to be. She had loved Jeremiah, he was her protector, her power, her everything. Besides, Jonathan had been just a mistake. She wasn’t supposed to get close to him in the first place, so no way she was in love with him. No way at all.
She closed her eyes and inhaled sharply. She was stronger than this, she had to be. Love was a fairytale, for little girls, she wasn’t a child anymore, she hadn’t been for years. Yes, Jonathan was a good friend. Yes, he understood her in ways she didn’t think anyone could. She cared for him, even still, and she would have taken back the agreement she’d had with Cobblepot if she could, but that was certainly just signs of friendship. Friends cared for each other. Friends didn’t…stab each other in the back. They had been friends, nothing more. Nothing had been spoken, anyway.
A shuddering breath. Hush’s words still hung in her mind. Did she miss him? Of course she did. She’d seen him since, but that wasn’t her Jonathan. That was a stranger. A man who hated her, and had every right to. That wasn’t her friend, her partner, the man she missed. She missed the man she could talk to, the man she trusted. The man she betrayed, she reminded herself, harshly.
She betrayed him. That was all he was to be from the get go. A tool, a lab rat. Much like Jeremiah had been an instrument to manipulate the asylum, Jonathan was an instrument to gain access to the lab, the chemicals, his research. She was stupid to even entertain the idea of any sort of relationship, friendly or otherwise.
But, if that were true…if all he was was to be used, if that’s all he meant to her…then why was this eating at her so? Why was it so important to her to apologize to him? Why did she care whether or not she was in love with him? Whether or not she loved him at all…why did she long to speak to Jonathan as…Jonathan again?
No, this wasn’t supposed to bother her. She growled in frustration and buried her face in her hands, burning red. She did love him. That she knew, no matter how much she hid it from herself. From him. From the world. She respected him, admired him, and somewhere, grew fond of him.
And she didn’t know whether she had been in love with him. She knew, with Jeremiah, she loved…something, but not him. With Jonathan, it was…different.
Damn Hush. Damn him to hell. She could have gone the rest of her life without remembering that. Without thinking about how much Jonathan had meant to her. How much they’d had in common…she never wanted to think about it again. She couldn’t afford it. And yet, here she was, face in her hands, back against the walls, biting her lip, trying to forget the feel of his hands in hers, the sound of his voice. All of it.
Damn this day, and all of the feelings it brought.
Damn those memories.
Damn her…damn her heart.