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Sonny Carisi hated hospitals.
Sure, they were a place of healing. A place for prayers, treatments, and bringing new life into the world, but Sonny knew them better as places of pain and horror.
To be honest, they gave Sonny the creeps.
Thanks to his line of work, Sonny had seen his fair share of awfulness in hospitals, from rape survivors to gunshot victims. From children being molested, to Mike Dodds dying unexpectedly in this same one only months prior. And, now, Barba was in the hospital; the men making threats on his life had stayed true to their word and shot him twice on the courthouse steps a few days ago. Luckily the hit man was a bad shot, hitting Rafael once in the shoulder and once in a kidney.
The scene on the steps was horrific; Rafael’s blood stained the concrete in mere seconds. Olivia and Sonny were with him on the steps when the gunshot rang out, Liv instantly called for a bus and applied pressure to Rafael’s wounds while Sonny frantically tried to see who pulled the trigger. It was almost impossible for Sonny to manage without running to Barba, to touch him, to let him know the feelings he withheld, just in case this was the last time he would be able to talk to him. Finding the culprit in the crowd that had gathered turned out to be useless, and Sonny fought to hold back his tears in that moment, but that was nothing compared to how he felt when he heard that Rafael would be okay.
But, it was Christmas Eve, and he had a job to do. Armed with a bag full of Christmas lights, ornaments, and a small gift slung over his shoulder, Sonny exited the elevator on his floor in search of his room. After saying a quick ‘Merry Christmas’ to the nurses at the station, he walked in to Rafael’s room to find him sleeping, which he was thankful for.
Carefully setting his bag on the floor, he walked towards Rafael’s bed to study him, like he so often loved to do. He wanted to reach out and touch him; stroke his face, anything, yet he feared that would wake him. This was the first time Sonny was able to be alone with Rafael since the incident, Benson and the squad or nurses or Mrs. Barba were always in the room with him. He wanted to make this last.
Sonny got to work decorating the room. He wanted to make Rafael’s holiday a little better; since he was stuck in a hospital room for the next couple weeks, he figured at least this would bring him a little cheer. Sonny quickly hung a string of lights around the window, his long legs making it an easy task. He hung a few ornaments near the door and around his bed, careful not to wake him or touch anything to disturb him. He was satisfied with his work, it wasn’t much, but Sonny felt he did the best he could do given the circumstances. Sonny only hoped it would make Rafael happy, that was really all he cared about.
The only piece left was Rafael’s gift. A few books, a gift certificate to Rafael’s favorite café, a bag of imported coffee beans, and a ‘get well soon’ drawing courtesy of Sonny’s nieces filled a Christmas gift bag. Not the slightest clue what to get him as a gift, Sonny stuck to what he knew Rafael liked: coffee, and he figured a couple of books would help subdue his boredom during his stay in the hospital. With one final look and a ‘Merry Christmas, Rafael,” Sonny set the bag on the table and headed for the door.
“Carisi, what the hell are you doing?”
Shit.
Sonny stopped and whipped his head to look at Rafael with wide eyes. He was trying to sit up, his face wincing in pain with every little movement. Sonny hurried to his bed to help him
Rafael looked around the room, finally noticing the Christmas decorations. A single string on multi-colored lights surrounded the window. He noticed small ornaments scattered around his room.
“Carisi, did you do this? Is it for me?”
Rafael noticed a blush creep on to Sonny’s cheeks as he looked away, “Yeah, ya know, it’s Christmas Eve and you’re stuck in here. Wanted to brighten up the place for you. I uh, got you somethin’. It’s not a lot, but it the best I could do.”
Rafael smiled and opened the bag Sonny motioned to and was awestruck. He looked at the coffee, the books, and the drawing and he could feel his heart swell in his chest. He tried to remember the last time someone did anything this nice for him.
“Carisi, thank you. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten a gift from someone other than my mother and Carmen.” Carisi furrowed his brow and Rafael noticed a glint of sadness in his eyes, as if he couldn’t believe those were the only people in Rafael’s life.
Perhaps he didn’t realize how lonely Rafael really was.
“Do you want to stay for a while, Carisi? It gets pretty lonely here at night.”
Who would have thunk that Sonny Carisi would be in Rafael’s hospital room on Christmas Eve, decorating it for him? Surely not Rafael; he knew that Carisi had a great, big family and Rafael was shocked that he was choosing to spend his time with him rather than them. Sonny Carisi, the man Rafael loved was full of surprises to say the least.
The decorations, the gift, the sheer fact that he was here with Rafael, could it mean that Rafael’s feelings flowed both ways? Could Sonny possibly love him, too? No, Rafael decided long ago that Sonny was too young and vibrant and full of life to love a grump like himself.
Still, the two men talked. They talked about everything from their families to Rafael’s time at Harvard to cooking. Sonny noticed how late it had gotten; it was almost 11:30, and he realized just how much he enjoyed talking to Raf.
“We’ll, it’s gettin’ late. I don’t wanna keep you up.” Sonny said, suddenly standing to leave the room.
“No, you not keeping me up, Carisi. But I understand if you want to go.”
Carisi nodded and turned to leave, but then stopped suddenly to look at Rafael. Rafael could see hesitation in his eyes; he looked to nervous and Rafael wondered what could possibly be making him feel that way.
“Look, Barba, when I saw you get shot, I-I didn’t know what to do with myself. I couldn’t think, and there was do much blood and I really thought I was gonna lose you on those steps. And until we knew you were gonna be okay, I kicked myself for not telling you this sooner because hell, what if you had died, Barba? So, um, I came here to cheer you up with all this but also to be alone with you and tell you that, I have feelings for you. Strong feelings. I’m fucking in love with you, Barba, and don’t feel like you have to say anything are feel anything back, but I just needed you to know. I’m tired of hiding it.”
Rafael was stunned for the second time that night. He couldn’t believe that Sonny had just said the words he had wanted to come out of his mouth for so long. Rafael saw Sonny turn to leave, obviously defeated.
“Carisi, come here,” Raf moved his body a bit, giving Sonny room to sit, and patted the now free side on the bed. Sonny sat and turned his torso toward Rafael and Raf saw the wonder, the hopefulness in Sonny’s eyes. Rafael leaned in to Sonny because dammit, he was going to fight through the searing pain in his side and kiss this man if it was the last thing Rafael did. Sonny met him halfway and finally they were kissing; all of the heat and feelings and desperation they had both held in for months finally being set free in that one kiss. Rafael was the first to pull away, grabbing Sonny’s hand and whispering, “Merry Christmas, Sonny.”