Chapter Text
"What a terrible idea", Cassian mumbles under his breath as he buttons up his long sleeve beige tee. He takes a quick glance at his reflection in the bedroom mirror; he looks tired, almost worn-out with messy hair and unshaved face. Is it any wonder, though, since he's spent all week giving extra flight lessons and dealing with annoying, mostly talentless pilot wannabes, and all in an attempt to keep from thinking about Bodhi.
Cassian hears the sound of soft paws on the wooden floor. A black cat enters the room, jumps on the bed and glares at its owner with big, yellow eyes.
"You're staying here, Kaytoo", Cassian tells him as he grabs his brown leather jacket hanging from the back of the chair. "Besides, if it’s any consolation, I don't feel like going at all."
Kaytoo meows like he understands perfectly and follows his owner to the front door.
"Behave, okay?" Cassian says, slipping one arm into a well-worn sleeve, and then the other. "I'll be back tomorrow morning."
And then he leaves. Even though he enters a nearby store to buy a bottle of whiskey, it still takes him less than twenty minutes on foot to get to his cousin's flat. On time as always and trying to muster any tiny bit of enthusiasm he has left in him, Cassian knocks at the door at eight o'clock sharp. The door opens almost immediately and when it does, the host of the party appears. Shorter than Cassian but more muscular, with dark locks falling on his forehead and a wide, welcoming smile on his face. Cassian almost smirks when he notices that his cousin's wearing a jacket similar to his own. Maybe it runs in the family, he thinks.
"Good to see you, Cass", Poe doesn't leave him time for any reaction as he pulls him in for a really tight, fraternal hug.
"Poe, you just saw me on Tuesday", Cassian sighs, patting him on the back. "And it's barely Friday."
Poe stands back and shrugs, smirking slightly. "What can I say, I'm always happy to see you”, he replies, allowing Cassian in.
Poe's flat is similar to Cassian's in many ways – it's small, it has white walls and simple, wooden furniture. There's one significant difference though - Cassian's little apartment is stark, you could even say – empty in places. Almost like he could pack up his stuff into two suitcases, grab Kaytoo and move out at any moment. Poe's place, on the other hand, is messy, but in the best way possible. Fluffy pillows on the couch,' plants in random, colorful flowerpots, patterned, yellow curtain in the window; stack of magazines on the coffee table, right next to the empty cup with FLY GUY written on it. All of these things light up the interior, just like its owner lights up any place he goes. That's one thing Cassian's has always envied about his cousin – his positive attitude and eternal optimism. But sometimes he also lets himself be positive, like when he sees an adorable ball of fluff laying on the couch. Cassian smiles gently, takes off his jacket (his cousin, on the other hand, does not, claiming that it's a part of his "outfit") and sits next to Poe's corgi, Beebee. As he's scratching the dog behind the ear, the host goes into the kitchen and after a short while comes back to the living room with two glasses in hand. He sits on the only armchair in the room and casually says, while pouring Cassian's whiskey into the glasses:
"I thought you'd bring Bodhi."
"Yeah, umm..." Cassian begins, clearing his throat. The smile disappears from his face, but he keeps his eyes on the dog so Poe doesn't notice. "To be honest, I didn't invite him." He realizes that his cousin's looking at him, confused. "It didn't work out", Cassian replies tersely, before he takes a big sip of whiskey, grateful for the distraction. That's it, he thinks. He admitted it and there's no need for further explanation.
"Oh." Poe seems surprised. "Sorry, I didn't mean to..."
"Hey, it's alright." No, it isn't. None of this is right at all. "Just forget it."
"Well, at least that explains why you look like..." Poe, probably one of the nicest people to ever exist, bites his lip so not a single rude word escapes his mouth.
"Like shit?" Cassian guesses, raising both eyebrows high.
"Yes, basically", Poe nods and stands up, sighing loudly. "Come on, you'll help me with food."
Cassian obediently follows his cousin into the small, but surprisingly spacious kitchen where they put all the muffins, crisps, dips and other snacks that Poe prepared (Cassian honestly has no idea how he even found time to do it but he truly admires his cousin's devotion) on plates and bring the pile of food to the living room. In the meantime, Poe tells him about the guests he hasn't had a chance to meet yet. Cassian's already heard about Poe's new mechanic – a young, talented girl who somehow managed to fix his beloved vintage car, even though her male co-workers claimed it was impossible and laughed at her for thinking otherwise. And since Rey, because that's the girl's name, is pretty anxious about meeting new people, he told her to bring her longtime friend, Jyn. Apparently Poe has already met her, but he simply describes her as "difficult" and moves on to the last but not least.
"It's her new friend, that's what she called him", Poe explains. "And you have to understand, for her to make a friend who's not me or Jyn... that's kind of a big deal. Which means that he is a big deal."
Besides being a big deal, the boy is also working in a bookstore and as far as Cassian understands, him befriending Rey is the sole reason that Poe believes in his big dealness. Before Cass has a chance to point out his naivete, the doorbell rings. Poe, almost hopping, rushes out of the kitchen to open the door, whereas Cassian (defintely not as excited) brings the last plate to the living room and stays there, listening to the muffled voices of the host and his guests.
“...so happy to see you... yes, yes, nice to meet you.. Jyn, you can leave your bag here... this way...”
Finally, alongside Poe, they appear. She has wavy, brown hair barely reaching her shoulders, delicate facial features and a nervous but sincere smile upon her face. He looks way more relaxed and really handsome, wearing a simple, black t-shirt that accentuates his muscular arms. Rey and Finn, they both introduce themselves. As Cassian shakes their hands, he can't help but notice out of the corner of his eye that Poe can't stop staring at Finn with a oh no, he's hot look on his face. Seems that this boy might be a big deal, after all. But there's one more person, obviously. A girl, the shortest of them all, with straight, dark brown hair and a thick fringe covering her forehead. She's wearing ripped skinny jeans and an oversized dark, green t-shirt.
“Jyn. Jyn Erso.” She also shakes his hand and Cassian notices shadows beneath her eyes as she gives him a very awkward, forced smile. Before he has a chance to at least try to reciprocate it, Jyn looks at the table and notices the plate full of chocolate muffins. She grabs one and seats herself comfortably on the sofa.
“What a cutie!” Rey practically squeals when she meets Beebee, while the boys head to the kitchen to refrigerate the beer that Finn brought.
Once more, the doorbell rings, and they're joined by Poe's pilot squad, his friends from the academy that Cassian already knows. Suddenly, the small apartment is full of people. People talking, people laughing, people choosing Spotify playlists to play on Poe's laptop, people bringing chairs from the kitchen to have something to sit on, people pouring alcohol into glasses. And in the middle of all of the chaos, there's Cassian, sitting on the sofa and trying to make small talk with everybody, all the while every single cell in his body wants to escape, to get out of here. He looks around: Poe and Finn are standing in a corner, shamelessly flirting with each other. Rey's bonding with Jessika Pava over their mutual admiration for Beebee. And Jyn... alone, with her phone in her hand, probably texting someone. The glass she's holding is empty.
He’s able to hang on for two hours, fake half-smile plastered on his face. Cassian heads to the balcony and as he closes the door behind him, he feels relief. It's so quiet out here and the night is just perfect; warm, but a sudden gust of cool wind makes him feel even more fresh and sober than he already is. It's weird, he thinks, how he has no problem drinking when he's alone at night, but this time he can't get himself to take more than few sips of whiskey. There's enough mess in his head without any alcohol involved. He grabs the cold metal barrier and with his eyes closed, Cassian thinks of Bodhi. Of how, with a single sentence, he changed everything. And of how much he wishes he could go back in time and never ruin everything by admitting: “I think I have feelings for you”. He’d be a happier man if he never had to see this weird, uncomfortable mix of pity and sympathy shining in Bodhi's dark eyes.
Why did I start it at all in the first place?
Cassian's hands tremble as he reaches for a pack of cigarettes in the pocket of his trousers. Suddenly, he can hear the sliding door open. Convinced it's his cousin, he sighs loudly and says:
“Poe, I'm alright, I'm just... Oh.” It's not Poe, though, it’s Jyn. Standing next to Cassian, not even looking at him, she puts her hands on the barrier too. A slow half-smile slides across her face when she looks up and notices how starry the night sky is.
“Wanna get out of here?”, she asks, and as she’s staring up into the clear night sky, the question sounds somehow philosophical. Cassian, confused and pretty sure he misheard what she said, just offers her a cigarette. Jyn shakes her head and looks at him, considering him carefully.
“Neither of us is really having fun and I was gonna leave anyway, so I thought I might as well ask you...” Quietly, almost like she was talking to herself, she adds: “I'm nice like that.”
“Poe will notice.” Cassian replies, shoving the pack back into his pocket. He already knows he's gonna leave with her, even if he hasn’t accepted the offer just quite yet.
“Yeah, I don't think he will...” Jyn says mysteriously and when Cassian raises his eyebrows, waiting for any explanation, she continues: “He's too busy hitting on Finn, so don't worry. Anyway...” She shrugs, heads to the sliding glass door, grabs the handle and gives him instructions in the tone of voice of a professional soldier: “I'll leave now, you wait for at least five minutes here and then meet me downstairs. Just make sure no one notices.” Even though he's slightly amused, instead of laughing at her plan, Cassian just replies obediently: “Yes, ma'am.”
And then, just like that, she’s gone, and he's alone again, listening to the street noise and muffled voices coming from the living room. Somehow, the idea of leaving the party and going to God knows where with a complete stranger seems tempting, almost exciting. It's not the craziest thing one could imagine, but right now it's just right for him. After a moment – he's not patient enough to actually wait for these goddamn five minutes as Jyn ordered him to – Cassian sneaks back through the living room. Pretty sure that no one notices his sudden reappearance, and trying not to look conspicuous, he navigates his way to the front door. Out of the corner of his eye, Cassian notices that his cousin is indeed very busy; Poe and Finn are sitting on the couch, almost glued to each other, both smiling giddily. Poe says something, Finn nods and they both start to laugh. It's a pleasant sight, until Cass's jealous mind replaces Poe and Finn with a vision of he and Bodhi instead. That's how it could have been. No, he can't think about it, not now at least. Grabbing his jacket from its hanger, he slips from the apartment without a word. And as he closes the door behind him, Cassian doesn't feel any remorse. On the contrary, he's sure that leaving was the best decision he could make, way better than walking around with a fake smile plastered on his face and somehow it's reassuring that he's not the only one feeling like an outsider out here.
As promised, Jyn's waiting for him in front of the building. She’s put on her denim jacket and on her back there's something that resembles more of a big, shapeless bag than a backpack.
“Finally”, she huffs, and there's a bite of impatience in her voice. “Let's go.”
“Any idea where we're going?” Cassian asks as they walk side by side briskly, in a direction unknown to him. Jyn scoffs, slightly offended. “Obviously.”
Cassian raises his eyebrows, slightly irritated.“And can you, like... tell me?”
“You'll see when we get there”, she replies, looking ahead, and Cass decides, for his own good, to finish that particular conversation before it has a chance to actually begin. He just follows Jyn blindly as they pass through almost empty streets. They walk, and they walk in absolute silence, and even though Cassian's been living in this city for his entire life, he has no idea where they are exactly. The funniest part is, he knows he didn't have to follow Jyn. He could have just excused himself and gone home, but for whatever reason, he chose this instead. Cassian looks at his companion, even as she walks, there's determination on her face. They're passing a row of bungalows and heading towards something dark and looming that appears to be a forest, and he's about to ask her once again for the destination of their late night trip, but then he feels another refreshing gust of wind and hears it - he hears it before he sees it, the lapping of gentle waves against a sandy shore.
And then, he can see it beneath the trees. Beach. A wild one, actually, empty and private, and just for them. Not saying a word, they wind their way through the trees and stop, looking in awe at the picturesque view. There are even more stars dotting the cloudless sky than they could see in the middle of the city; there are almost no waves and moonlight reflects against the calm sheet of the sea.
“I've had enough of walking for today”, Jyn sighs, interrupting the silence. She takes off her combat boots and socks, lays her bag on the sand and sits next to it. Cassian looks at the girl and for a fraction of a moment, he wishes there was someone else with him here to experience this beautiful scenery, what he feels is a a bit too romantic for he and Jyn. But he tries his best to immediately drive the thought away.
“Okay, it is better than the party”, Cassian admits politely, sitting down and settling into place next to Jyn. A subtle smirk appears on her face. “And it's about to get better”, she replies, rummaging in the bag. After a short while, she takes out something that she shows to Cassian, proud of herself. “It's yours?”, he asks, glancing from the bottle back to Jyn, curious.
“I found it”, Jyn lies smoothly, opening the bottle of mezcal. She's about to drink when she notices the look of disapproval on Cassian's face. “Come on! Poe won't be mad”, she rationalizes, taking a big sip straight from the bottle before she offers it to Cassian. “He was too busy with Finn to notice, anyway.”
After a moment of hesitation, he takes it. “You overestimate my cousin's patience...”, he answers, sighing before he takes a gulp. The alcohol burns his throat, but that's the best kind of burn. He notices that Jyn's looking at the stars again, with the same awe she seemed to feel while standing with him on his cousin’s balcony. He can see moonlight reflecting in her green eyes, and thinks, for a moment, that this was nicer than he was expecting. “You like watching stars, don't you?” Cassian drinks some more mezcal and it looks like after drinking whiskey at the party, he was one sip away from getting drunk.“You're a goddamn romantic, Erso!”, he says, laughing. “Shut up!” Jyn laughs as she snatches the bottle from Cassian's hand. “Honestly, you're terrible...” she says, shaking her head as Cass is grinning at her. “I have no bloody idea why I brought you here. I'm too nice”, she sighs, rolling her eyes.
“Yup, actual ray of sunshine”, he answers and Jyn smacks his shoulder. “Says who? Bloody life and soul of the party!” Normally Cassian would reply with something eloquent, but not tonight. He just keeps laughing with her and it's a great feeling. Better than brooding on a couch in his living room, at least. Better than thinking about Bodhi. Definitely better than laying in bed for few hours and waiting to fall asleep, and being unable to stop thinking without having to eventually put himself to sleep with pills or alcohol, or both.
They drink and laugh and talk until the wee hours, about anything and everything and nothing all at once, and maybe, for whatever reason, that's exactly what they both need. After a while, he finds that he just doesn’t care about how they’re going to get home, and concentrates on simply having fun, and he thinks that all is well in the world.
Cassian wakes up next morning in a bed that's definitely not his own, his whole body aching, his mind unsuccessfully trying to regain last night’s memories.