Work Text:
And everything is going to the beat
And everything is going to the beat
And everything is going
Jared sniffed, body moving against his covers as he adjusted himself. He laid on his side, but not for long- only minutes later did he roll onto his back, then awkwardly on his stomach, eventually making it to the other side. From his desk, the glow of his phone caught his attention, chasing away any chance of sleeping he had at that moment. He was wide awake now.
He sat up, reaching blindly to his nightstand, fumbling for his glasses. He stood as he slipped them on, crossing the room to retrieve his phone. To his disappointment, the only notification on his screen was from an email, and he sighed as he sunk back down into his bed. His lock screen read 3:27 am.
He swiped to unlock the device, squinting from the bright light that auto-adjusted a few moments later to a dimmer setting. Jared scrolled through the pages of apps- nothing really seemed to appeal to him right now. His Instagram feed was filled with posts from earlier that day that he’d already seen, and not even Tumblr seemed to be very entertaining to him. He rubbed his eyes, slightly irritated from the light, and settled into his bed further as he opened Skype.
He didn’t really use it to talk to many people- just a few people who he was mutuals with on tumblr, and the people he knew vaguely enough that he could call friend from either school or Hebrew camp. Either way, he thought maybe, maybe someone would be online, but none of them were. He was about to close out of the app when he did notice a singular online status marker next to Evan Hansen’s contact.
It didn’t surprise Jared that Evan was up- Jared knew that he was a restless sleeper, constantly waking up during the night. The only time that Jared had been to his house, he remembered seeing all the medicine bottles on Evan’s bedside table, and knew there’d been a bottle or two of extra strength melatonin. Jared had tried that before, but it never really helped. That was the difference between them- Evan just had trouble staying asleep, but Jared would be awake for days at a time because he just couldn’t sleep. He tapped on Evan’s chat.
Jared: Why are you awake?
Evan is typing…
Evan: Why are you awake to be able to message me that?
Jared grinned softly. Touche.
Jared: Oh, you know, just the fact that I can’t ever fucking sleep :-)
Evan: Have you tried, like, melatonin or anything
Jared: That shit never even works dude
Evan: Oh
Evan: Sorry
Jared sighed, tapping the edge of his phone. He hated messaging- you could never really convey tone. He probably seemed standoffish- but, then again, Jared knew he was kind of a dick. It wasn’t like he really meant to be- especially not to Evan, but…
Jared: So why are you awake Evan?
And you said
It was like fire around the brim
Burning solid
Burning thin, the burning rim
Like stars burning holes right through the dark
Flicking fire like saltwater into my eyes
Jared hadn’t gotten a response for a few minutes, making him think Evan had been able to fall back asleep, and Jared, exasperated, threw his phone onto the bed next to him, only to have it light up again. He snatched it up quick, immediately opening it back to the conversation.
Evan: I had a bad dream. My dad was there but it was like, current times, and my mom wasn’t and it was just me and he knew all about everything. My anxiety and everything and how I’m. like this
Evan: And was just kind of saying how stupid I am, how everything I thought about why he left was true and everything and it made me really want to just...die because that’s my biggest fear
Evan: Not just about my dad but… it sucks because I know he thinks I’m worthless
Evan: Sorry, that was a lot
Jared frowned, a twinge in his chest as he read the messages. He sniffed again, rubbing his nose before replying.
Jared: You’re not worthless Evan
Evan is typing…
It was stuck on that for a long time, before the Evan is typing message just disappeared, and Jared sighed. He felt bad. He knew that he teased Evan’s anxious idiosyncrasies- he never meant it malevolently, but he knew Evan probably thought he was a dick. His stomach turned as his head started to ache, and he put his phone aside, thinking it was probably from the bright lights. Just try to go back to sleep again , Jared told himself, even though he knew that sleeping was a lost cause at that point. All there was for a few moments was the sound of Jared’s own breathing, until the glow of his phone caught his peripheral vision and he sat up again.
Evan: Can I ask you sometihng
Evan: something*
Jared: Yeah go ahead
Jared stretched his legs out, tilting his head sharply to crack his neck. The bright light was starting to bother him less, he noticed, as he just reread his last response over and over until Evan messaged back.
Evan: why do you waste your time with me
Jared furrowed his brows, swallowing as he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He thought back to all the times he and Evan had hung out, to all his dismissive behavior. He was right- he probably was a standoffish person. And he hated it. He never felt like he wanted to put someone else’s needs in front of his own. With Evan, it was different. Evan was someone who needed it, who needed him - And Evan was also someone who would return that with whoever was his friend. But Jared wasn’t used to that, he was used to being his own Most Important Person. That’s how it always was, and that helped make Jared feel a little more comforted with the reasons why no one wanted to hang out with him. That’s why, but that wasn’t why.
Jared: What do you mean?
Evan: Why do you bother being friends with me
Jared’s neck felt all scratchy as his head warmed, blinking at the bright screen. Being friends? He could say so much to that. Suddenly, a sense of guilt took over Jared, and he realized that Evan didn’t understand. Which, he should have seen coming- of course Evan wouldn’t know when Jared was joking with him, or what Jared really meant. Evan didn’t deserve to have to put up with Jared’s shit- really, it was Jared who should be asking what Evan was. But Evan was Evan- and really, that was the answer to the question.
Jared liked Evan . He had a crush on him. He hadn’t really come to terms with it- not since he kind of noticed the way he felt when he hung out with Evan (happy for no reason, but also, having no filter on his defensiveness) and not even by just admitting those words to himself. He was at a lost for words, the silence as unsettling to Jared as the thought of him having feelings for his best friend. His only friend. His… guy friend? Sure, Jared hadn’t ever totally understood why the pretty girls were considered pretty and why a bunch of guys always chased after them- like how Evan always used to talk about Zoe Murphy all the time. How in love with her he had been. Jared bit down a tiny surge of jealously. He didn’t need to think about that right now. Even though he hadn’t had a crush on a girl since middle school, he usually figured it was just the girls he went to school with. Mostly, he thought he was just getting bored with them, and that when he went off to college, he’d meet a lot more and probably even get a girlfriend within the first semester. Right? It didn’t comfort Jared much, though- because when people described their significant others, how they felt about them- it was how Jared felt about Evan. But, he didn’t know. He didn’t know anything. Anyway, even on the most basic level, Jared didn’t think that a friendship was worth jeopardizing- yes, for his sake and confused emotions, but also for Evan’s sake and mental health. He couldn’t stress Evan out more than he already was. Because if something bad happened, and it was Jared’s fault...
All the while, Evan had been sending texts.
Evan: Like sometimes I just don’t understand just because of the way things are but then when I think you’ll never talk to me again you’ll say something to me in school or invite me over
Evan: Or message me in the middle of the night and ask why I’m up
Evan: And it always helps trust me, but sometimes I just wonder why
Evan: I’m sorry, this is all probably pretty stupid to you isn’t it
Evan: sorry
Evan: did you fall asleep?
Jared is typing…
Jared: No, I’m awake
Evan: Ok. I’m sorry.
Jared: No, I am, and I don’t want you to apologize to me
Evan: What
Evan: But I’m the one bothering you.. Sorry, I know it’s something I need to work on
Jared: You aren’t bothering me?
Jared: When did I ever say you were?
Evan: I thought it was kind of implied when you told me you hang out with me just so your parents will pay your car insurance
Jared cursed himself. He remembered saying that, but he didn’t think that Evan would take him seriously. Okay, so he wasn’t going to lie to himself- his mom did actually tell him that she would pay his insurance if he hung out with Evan, and Jared took her seriously- but she didn’t actually mean it. And when he found that out, he didn’t know what the point would be. But if he had been such an asshole, and Evan still wanted to talk, still wanted to come back- oh, god. Jared didn’t deserve him. He glanced at his phone after mentally berating himself- he’d gotten lost in thought for fifteen minutes .
You were one inch from the edge of this bed
I dragged you back a sleepyhead, sleepyhead
Jared: Evan, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it- they don’t do that.
Jared: I don’t ‘bother’ to be friends with you and we’re friends because you’re one of the best people I’ve ever met, ok
Jared: just know you’re important, ok? If not to your dad, then to your mom. And if not to your mom, then to me
And then, finally:
Evan is typing…
Evan: Thank you so much
Evan: I literally can’t tell you how much it means
Evan: I’m so sorry
Jared: It’s okay, Evan
They couldn't think of something to say the day you burst
With all their lions and all their might and all their thirst
Jared could still remember the day that Evan confessed to him about how bad his anxiety was. Not like Jared didn’t totally know beforehand- his mom had mentioned that Ms. Hansen’s son was- how did she put it? “Something else”? And then when they had actually been introduced- it was pretty obvious, what from Evan’s stuttering, and his definitely-not-hyperventilating (Evan insisted on saying he never had troubles breathing), shrugged shoulders and fidgeting. But he knew it must have taken courage for Evan to tell him- he knew Evan trusted him. Jared didn’t care, but hadn’t known what to say, partly because he hadn’t known how he felt about Evan yet and partly because no one had ever shown any level of trust toward him, ever. And all he’d been able to come up with was a bland “it’s okay, Evan”.
They crowd your bedroom like some thoughts wearing thin
Against the walls against your rules against your skin
My beard grew down to the floor and out through the doors
Of your eyes, begonia skies like a sleepyhead, sleepyhead
They were getting used to that kind of thing, though. They were both used to each other. Evan with Jared’s sarcasm and insensitiveness, and maybe knowing that Jared didn’t know what else to do. Jared with Evan’s self-esteem issues and social anxiety, and definitely knowing and accepting that as part of Evan and part of the friendship he’d signed up for. No amount of self-evaluation Jared could do would make up for how he acted. It was something he’d need to work on.
Evan: thank you so much for staying up to talk to me
Jared: no really, Evan, thank you
Evan: I think that the melatonin is working for me now though. I’m like, falling asleep as I type this
Jared: lol, it’s okay Evan. Just go to bed.
Evan: alright
Jared: Night. And thank you again so much
It was almost 4:30, and they would both would need to be up in a few hours. Jared yawned as he typed out the message and hit send, pausing when he realized he had just yawned. He almost laughed, a silent, breathy sort of smile. He thought about waiting to see if maybe Evan would reply, but locked his phone and took his glasses off, sliding down into his bed. He’d see Evan later in school. Maybe it would do us good to talk about it in person , Jared thought as he yawned again. Maybe he’d come to terms with it soon.
Go ahead.