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You want to scream into the sky, "Don't leave me!" You want to cry his name into the night. You want to follow him in order to bring him back. You want to do whatever you can do just to not feel like that.
It hurts you to see Alex's face when she looks at you, half of her feeling sorry for you and a half maybe happy that you're hers again. She knows, of course; she always knew. But you never talk about it, because she loves you and doesn't want it to end, and you're simply a coward. It hurts you to see her now; to know that she knows you're sad because he's gone. It hurts you that she knows you were never really hers. It hurts you that she stays with you even though you've cheated on her for years, and she knew about that. It hurts you that she loves you more than you love her. Maybe everything was easier if she had left.
But if she left Lilly and Lexie would have gone with her, and ever since he left the girls are all that's keeping you connected to the world. You start spending all your time in trainings, matches or at home with them. One day Lilly asks you why you're sad, and you cannot answer her. You want him back.
You call him after a few months, suddenly finding the courage to do so while you walk on the docks. You know you had promised him you would call much earlier, but you couldn't. You're not surprised to hear the surprise in his voice when he picks up the phone.
"Stevie, wait a second, I'll get outside," he says and you take a deep breath, trying to stay on your feet. His voice. You already forgot how it sounded. You have always liked the way your name rolled from his lips. "What's up?" he asks a few moments later.
"I…" You can't go on. You don't know how to continue, because you have already told him everything and it didn't help. You both know it never could've helped. You're footballers, and that's how it happens in football.
"I thought you wouldn't call. After the first weeks…"
You feel one tear falling from your eye and you feel stupid as you wipe it. You feel like you're crying over something you shouldn't cry over. Over something there's no reason to cry over, because crying won't change anything. "I couldn't call," you say finally, after a long silence.
You stare at the Mersey River while waiting for his reply and you lean over the realm of the pier. Even though you're trying not to cry, you can see a few teardrops falling from your face into the water. You can see the moon reflecting in the river, and you remember how much he liked to stand with you right there and look into the horizon, and sometimes touching your arm or leg in a way that seemed almost random, to sneak meaningful glances towards you and then look back to the horizon.
Another silence falls between you, and you break it in the end. "Is it good for you there?"
"Spain is my home," he answers, but you hear the hesitance in his voice and you remember all the times he had told you Liverpool was his home, and that there would be no other home for him, so you know he's lying. You know he misses you just as much as you miss him, but none of you say it, because it's over, and you have nothing to do against it.
"Xabi?" you ask, and you no longer care about the tears dripping from your eyes uncontrollably, no longer care to resist.
"What?"
"I love you," you whisper, and you can hear how he's breathing on the other side of the line,1300 miles away from you. You know him well, and you know he's crying.
"I know. Me too," he whispers back and hangs up the call.
And you know it's over. An airplane passes above you in the sky, and you think of the day he had left you and flew to Madrid. You cry when you enter your house. Lilly and Lexie are already asleep, and you climb the stairs to your and Alex's room. You know she knows what happened the moment she looks in your eyes. And you know she's a bit happier, because she knows you've closed your thing with Xabi. She knows you're hers now.
You walk into her hug and you kiss her aggressively and you push her onto the bed and you decide to forget about Xabi. Because Xabi is the past, and Alex is the present. And you've always believed you should live in the present.