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My name is Sam Yao, and I am an idiot.
Because you know what’s not a place conducive to romance? The zombie apocalypse. Yet who apparently is trying to strike up said romance? This guy.
I know I sound stupid, Five. It would be a lot easier if I could just flip a switch and have it all go away like click! Feelings gone! Sure would make my life a lot less complicated. But I can’t do that. Thing is, I don’t even think that I want to.
I have to say it. Because every chance I get, it… it might be my last chance. I’ll try and explain. Try. No guarantees that I get it all right.
I guess you could say that it all started after that night mission. Do you know how long you were out there, Five? Everyone had given up hope. I wasn’t expecting you to… to come back alive. But I didn’t want to acknowledge that, to deal with my feelings. Not so soon after what happened to Alice. How badly Alice’s death had hurt. And so I sat there in the dark and I pretended for as long and as hard as I could. I didn’t want to face reality.
But I didn’t have to. Because there you were. You came back.
You came home.
We’ve never had a Runner do that before. Here I was, already mentally planning a trip to the Forest of Fallen Runners and somehow you get me on my feet, cheering. It was simply incredible. Like the phrase should really be fourth time’s the charm or something. You were back from the dead. It was like you yourself was proving that we shouldn’t give up, even when we’re in the darkest moments.
That –that’s not even the kicker. Because you remember where you ran to first? Here. The comms shack. Not Janine, not Jody, not anyone else – You came to me. Even when I ran – yeah, I can’t deny that I ran – down the stairs and told you that you needed to see Maxine first – you just threw your arms around me.
It was sweet, you know. We just kind of held each other. Just – just communicating to each other that it was going to be okay. And I didn’t mind walking you over to the hospital. I told Maxine that it was because you didn’t want to let me go, but to be honest it was more like I didn’t want to let you go. Because you’d done it.
And then – and then we stayed up even more that night in the comms shack. Two chairs pulled up beside each other. Your head on my shoulder. Only time I got up was when you needed a blanket. You were shaking so bad. Remember? You told me then that you didn’t want to face the nightmares that came every night.
So we just sat for a little while and talked. Talked about anything and everything. You told me that even if it didn’t make it better, that you were proud of me. That – that was one of the best nights of my life, Runner Five. It’s imprinted itself on my mind. And for that little while, we kept the darkness at bay. We had our own little bubble of light. Because you reminded me why it is that I fight to be alive.
But what was best was after. You became a constant presence not only around the township, but also in my life.
Always coming up the stairs to find me at my desk. Talked and laughed and threw up your hands in frustration after another attempt to organize the papers up there. Forced me to come out into the sun for a little bit, a magical world which you called “outside of the comms shack”. Brought me food on those days I forgot to eat. Sat with me as we laughed at Radio Abel broadcasts together. Smiled so brightly whenever I visited you for once. Rubbed my back when I got stressed and told me that it was okay and that no matter what that you were always proud of me.
You were always there. There for the Township, and there for me. Dependable, reliable, brilliant Runner Five. At least – most of the time. When you went out on missions, for a while, you would just go unusually quiet. Like something was bothering you. Now I know. About the demons. But I didn’t know then, and you were always fine when you got back to Abel, so I didn’t wonder much about it. I found myself wondering instead when it was you that were going to drop in. I wanted you around. Always. And I was hoping, just hoping, that you might want me around as well.
‘Cuz it looked like you were expressing interest, right? I mean, it was me getting to see your smile. Hear your laugh. Feel your touch. I always think that I can see these kinds of hints; maybe they’re not actually there. I mean, in the romantic department. Maybe it’s me, maybe I only see what I want.
I get bloody nervous around you, Five! Kind of unintentionally hilarous because most of the time you’re the only one I’m totally comfortable around. I’m always afraid that I’m getting you down wrong. Probably was the same way with – with Alice, y’know?
Alice. I can’t kid myself anymore that I really knew her at all. I mean, I watched and wished things. Liked her a lot. At least, the ‘her’ I thought I knew. And then – just as I thought I might have an opening – she was gone. Poof.
You know I’m not trying to make you into her, right? Yeah she was nice and witty and – well, you’re those things too, but you’re you. I don’t have to struggle, I don’t have to feel bad about myself, I don’t …I’m not explaining this right, I guess. What I’m trying to say is that maybe, no matter how much I wished it was otherwise, I didn’t really know her. But I know you, Five. I know you.
When Abel Township went down – with the world falling to pieces around me – I was scared but, for some reason – I just had this feeling. This feeling that it was going to be okay. I didn’t despair so much. Because if I lived, I knew that you were going to, as well. You know why?
The night before. You came to visit me before you got some sleep. I was tired. Stressed out. At first, I got upset at you looking for attention at this hour. But you didn’t mind.
You told me not to worry. You told me that no matter what happened tomorrow, you were going to come back. You were going to come home.
And so that morning I remembered that Runner Five always comes back. Runner Five always comes home.
And we found you. Of course we did. Of course we found you.
Of course, the Major was the one who spoke to you. But you knew. The way your eyes sparkled and – and you jumped. Jumped for joy. Turning around, heading straight back to Abel. And you led us to New Canton.
It wasn’t our home. But I was fine with that. I had found home in a different place.
And then, the whole blowup with Nadia. Oh god, Nadia. I don’t know what god to thank for me just missing having you around. Isn’t that funny? My feelings for you kinda saved your life? Sorry, I shouldn’t put it like that. But it’s true. The only reason you might be alive now is because I had a small inclination to check up on you. That, honest to god, terrified me. It was almost another human’s fault that one of the most amazing people I have ever met would have failed to come home.
But you did. You always do.
Maybe I insisted a bit too hard that you needed to come back to Abel, but you were secretly glad for it, weren’t you?
We had to find a place for you to stay. Nothing seemed good enough to me for you, Five. For some reason, I like to think your eyes lit up when I caved and offered you my own bed, that I would make something sleepable for myself on the floor.
Maybe that was because you didn’t want to sleep. We stayed up and talked and you chased your demons away for a little while, but pretended like you didn’t need to. You rather liked my makeshift bed on the floor beside you. Like in those romantic stories where the guy is at the ready to defend the love of his life. Why aren’t you my little operator in shining armor, You teased. Ready to protect me at a moment’s notice.
And I might have said yes, if you had even needed any protecting in the physical department. (If that was the case, I probably would be the one needing the protecting). But Five, I would have given anything to protect you from the nightmares. Unfortunately, I can never protect you from those. Only hold your hand until when you wake up, because then you can fight them off and pretend like they don’t hurt you.
Except once.
That one mission. When… when we lost Archie. I saw those monsters, face to face, for the first time in my life. I saw your strength fail. I saw the nightmares break in and reach you.
You came home, but you looked positively haunted. Didn’t come over to the shack, where we were all waiting, discussing in frantic detail what had happened. Jamie came upstairs, but… but not you. Went straight to your room and barricaded yourself in.
Well, I wasn’t going to have that. I had to pound on the door for a straight ten minutes before you opened the door, puffy eyes and red nose and all.
You were crying.
You were hiding because you didn’t want anyone to see the great Runner Five crying.
You idiot. You silly little idiot.
I couldn’t help myself. I had to stay. I had to wipe those tears away and bring – maybe not a smile, but some kind of peace back to that face. And that’s the night you flung open the gates for me and let me come home to you. Where you stopped pretending to be ‘ultimate warrior Runner Five’ who didn’t need any help, and I got to see you. The Real You. And I, Sam Yao, fell in love with the Real You.
Our first kiss was a fumble, an almost miss. But that can’t be blamed, you had your eyes shut. From either laughing or crying, I still can’t tell. I don’t mind. It was still everything. It was exactly everything that I wanted and exactly everything that I needed because it was you.
And that’s when I realized that I love you. I love your hair, and your lips when they curve up in that little smile of yours, and how your eyes shine even when you’re running, and how you walk, and sometimes you’re just so beautiful that I have nothing, absolutely nothing to say. I love that little wave you do whenever I point out you’re back on my cameras – sometimes I say that even when I don’t need to, just to see that little laugh and wave. It makes me feel like I’m swimming. There is nothing like when you’re out for a run and just something I say can make you smile and laugh. Now I live for those moments, Five. Sometimes they’re the only things that get me through the day.
And your selflessness. Dear god, you. You’d probably protest and say that you were just doing what was right. But I can’t help but remember about refusing to drop those kids before Jamie came, and jumping off the train for Owen, and rescuing Lem, and sprinting headlong to fight Van Ark for Archie.
I know that I’m just a comms operator and that I can’t compare to you – you’re a freaking hero, you know. With all of this Van Ark and rescuing stuff. I don’t know how Abel would do it without you. So how – how is someone like me every going to wind up with someone like you? I really don’t know, Five, maybe it’s only gonna happen in my imagination. I’m never going to compare to you. But I like to think that I could be just enough what you need.
But I guess – I don’t know how to tell you this. This is what I’m trying to tell you now. It’s really scary, my feelings are. I never intended for it to become like this, it just kind of happened. Sometimes it frightens me how much I care, when I’m supposed to just be the operator. I’m supposed to be distant. But I just… I just can’t. I’d rather be here in limbo if that means feeling the warmth and light and all that is good in you.
Listen, I don’t think I would be too bad of a post-apocalyptic boyfriend, right? I’d just be here to give you comfort when you need it, and to sometimes bring you breakfast, and to hold your hand, and to tell you all the wonderful things I think about you when you are down, and just simply to love you. To remind you who the Real You is.
I don’t think it’s selfish to be happy. Do you think so? I think we need to have a chance at whatever we can get in these kinds of times. And that for me is you, Runner Five. You are my hope. And sometimes I need that hope like I need breathing.
But for some weird reason, it also isn’t about me. Because I want nothing more in this zombie-infested world sometimes than to make you happy. That if I could, I would make it my goal to see everything you want come true, just to see that smile of yours. I’ve realized that I want to make you happy; to see you smile every day, to make you laugh every day. I want to take care of you. I want to be taken care of by you. I want you to be able to run with me, cry with me, open yourself up to me. I just want a few moments in your arms where we can pretend that the world can’t come into the room and hurt us. I just want to give you few moments of peace.
I know that the demons inside of you scare you like no other, and that you are so frustrated because you can’t figure out who you are. You become cold to fight them off. But you know what? Sometimes you just need shelter. You don’t have to be strong, ruthless Runner Five all the time. Sometimes you can be gentle. Sometimes you can let yourself feel. Sometimes you can just be sweet and vulnerable and mine.
Sure, you might die. But so might I, and so might Janine, and so might Sara and Maxine and Jody and everyone else. Every time you leave for a mission I have to face the facts that one of these missions, no matter how seemingly inconsequential, you’re not going to come back. So, why can’t we enjoy things in the moment? Why can’t we enjoy our little piece of normal? There’s a lot to do, but… there’s a lot to live for as well.
There’s nothing to be afraid of here. I’ve learned some things. Happens in the zombie apocalypse, y’know. But maybe even you, the great Runner Five, could learn some things too. Things that maybe a failed engineering student slash nerdy communications operator can teach you.
I just wanted to let you know that I think you would be good to me, but I know I would be so good to you. Even when the world goes crazy around us, I could get you through it. I could bring you home even when you were lost, because you brought me home when I was lost. In fact, I want to be that person. Because when I lose my faith in all that’s beautiful, I only have to look at you. You’re my beacon at the top of the tower. You’re my light. You’re my hope.