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I lay my head on my bed as I take a deep breath. The kids are away for the night with Nic.
I haven’t been truly alone like this for a while---physically and psychologically.
It was a long, long tour. Met tons of mad fer it fans. Travelled to lots of places. Spent wonderful times with people.
What have I done?
How could I have broken everything into pieces?
It’s my fault he left.
One moment, and everything falls apart.
One instance of intoxicated madness and rage, and everything is gone.
One moment of confusion, and I’m left with nothing.
It’s my fault that I couldn’t control my anger.
I was supposed to be protecting him from madness and rage, like when that cunt in Canada pushed him off the stage.
But I couldn’t protect him in that instance.
I was there for him, but I couldn’t prevent that incident.
Now I have done something I shouldn’t have done.
I thought he wouldn’t bend or break.
Surprisingly, after all these years he’s kept coming back to me.
Girlfriends and wives may have come and gone, yet he’s kept coming back to me.
But now I’m truly scared I’ve lost him.
I’m scared he’s abandoned me for good---and it’s my fault.
I know no one’s perfect----hell, I’m not fucking perfect at all.
But what if he chooses to work with someone better than me?
Someone who won’t act like how I did.
I bet he’ll be happy to work with someone like that.
Cos it’s all my fault, and Noel has deemed me unworthy of working with and dealing with.
Maybe I should have restrained myself.
If I had restrained myself, would Noel think of me as worthy enough to work with?
I’m already bloody tired and my brain is still confused.
If I had restrained myself, maybe this might not have happened.
Yet at the same time, sometimes I can’t help how I feel in certain situations.
I want him to be mine.
I don’t want him to abandon me, yet it seems like he did.
I close my eyes and remember the time I wrote ‘Guess God thinks I’m Abel’.
Only it’s reversed---Cain didn’t kill Abel, Abel ‘killed’ Cain emotionally in our case.
I wrote that no one could break us---but ironically, I was the one who broke him and everything.
I want him to take notice of me; to love me; I need his attention.
Sometimes I get his attention in the wrong way---but I get his attention anyway.
Now I have failed to get his attention.
I feel like a fucking failure.
Memories of being in the band with him come back to me.
Surely, some memories are blurred because of the drink and drugs, but the memories come back.
All my adult life, all I ever knew was Oasis and him.
I knew some other things too, but that was what shaped me.
Memories of our childhood come back to me.
I couldn’t protect him as a kid against our dad.
But he protected me anyway.
And so I stopped blaming myself for that.
I love him so much and that’s why I become so fucking possessive of him.
And now that possessiveness has destroyed him, and he has abandoned me.
What can I do to make him come back to me?
I know now that acting the same way will make him turn away from me even more.
I don’t know what to do.
If I could be given one more chance, I’d want him to come back.
I’d try to be careful in how I acted.
I’d try anything to make him come back to me.
If he did come back to me, he loves me.
But what if he never came back?
That would mean…
Tears well up in my eyes.
Fuck!
What have I done?
Noel…
I miss you.
I miss the band.
I miss your voice.
I miss our arguments.
I need to apologise.
I know apologies aren’t enough.
But what if you don’t listen?
What if you don’t come back?
I can’t live without you.
If you don’t come back, then I’m left with nothing.
If you don’t come back, then you’re left with nothing.
Noel…
I miss you.
I love you.
I need you.
I want you.
I’m sorry.
I don’t know what else to say.
Don’t leave me.