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I tell myself that I don't need him. At least I try to. Every fucking day. Whenever I hear 'What happened to Uncle Liam', I make up some excuse to them, telling them that grown-ups are complicated. I know it's not good for them to hear that, but what else can I do? They don't have to deal with him as much as I do, but it's me who has to deal with all of his antics, for better or for worse.
Everyone's advised me to keep quiet as much as possible to the press about the whole thing. I agree with that, because who knows what kind of shit the press would want to stir up? I hate to admit it, but Liam is easier to deal with than the press. It's easy to shut up Liam, but it's harder to shut the whole press in the entire fucking world up.
I've been doing all I can to take my mind off Oasis. I'm trying to act normal, but at this point in my life, I don't even know what normal is supposed to be. I've been spending time with other members of my family, and my friends. Just trying to live like everyone else, you know? Then I tell my kids that 'grown-ups are complicated' again, for the millionth time. But when will they realise what is exactly complicated? Kids aren't stupid; and we sure as hell weren't either. What if they find out what's going on between us? And how would they feel about it?
Ordinary people can completely cut all ties from each other. But we can't, and that's what is frustrating me. I try to run away from him, yet I feel that we're chained to each other. Unlike other siblings, our chain is heavy, twisted, and entangled. There are times when I try to cut that chain off, yet it just won't break.
In fact, the more I try to take my mind off him, the more he haunts me. The more I tell myself that I don't need him any more, the more I miss him. And I hate myself for that. I hate that I miss him. I hate that I can't take my mind off him.
So another day goes by, and my life is busy as usual. I can't let myself to just sit around doing nothing. It's those times when he starts haunting me. The only way to take my mind off him is to keep busy. Sometimes my friends and family express their worries about me. But I tell them I'm OK, because I like to think that I'm all right, and I like to think that they believe me.
Yet every time I tell them I'm OK, something within me tells me that I'm not. I tell myself that I'm fine, and that life should go on, yet the feeling that I'm not OK keeps coming back to me. I hope my friends and family believe me when I say I'm all right, but what if someone can sense my true feelings? Our mam must know that something is wrong with me, yet she chooses not to bother me with it.
I know I can't go on forever like this. There's something within me that makes me realise that. I also know that we need time off from each other. But exactly how much time is needed? We've spent too much time with each other; too much time loving each other and too much time hating each other; too much time arguing with each other; too much time kissing each other. And too much time fucking each other.
It's all wrong and demented. And I find myself drowning in that demented reality. My only way to keep myself from drowning even further into him is to spend time away from him. Yet the more I'm away from him, the more I crave him. It's disturbing that I end up craving that demented reality with Liam.
So I keep denying to myself these things until I can no longer stand it any more, and we end up back with each other again. After spending too much time with each other, we take time off from each other. We deny that we need each other. We deny that we are yin and yang to each other. We regret that things have gone too far in our relationship. We fight the truth that we hate to admit---until we can't take it any more and we crave each other even more.