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2017-03-19
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Roses

Summary:

And as it turns out, going back to college is a really, really bad idea.

Still, even two hours away, Bea will come and pick her up when she needs it.

Notes:

To better understand this, when Mae has an episode she dissociates and sees the world as shapes and people as creatures they are in nitw. So, they're human, but Mae is seeing them all as their animal selves rather than their human ones. Will probably help to understand this a little bit.

(See the end of the work for more notes and other works inspired by this one.)

Work Text:

[November Twenty-Fifth]

The statue was still there in the exact same place it used to be.

Of course it was—where were they going to move a statue that big? That hunk of metal was probably cemented into the ground where it was. They couldn’t move it if they tried. So it stayed there to welcome Mae on to campus every day while she walked back. She very nearly didn’t want to even look at it, didn’t want to look up and see a mass of shapes swimming in her vision instead of an art structure. If she looked up, she’d probably be able to see the dent she’d punched in the side of it.

Her shoes looked dusty and old, but they were the same shoes she’d always worn back home. If she looked at them while she walked then Mae could almost pretend like she was just walking on the sidewalk to the Snack Falcon instead of walking to her dorm room alone.

The stairs in the building creaked just like the steps to her house, and the door was painted the same color as her door. If Mae just pretended really, really hard then she wouldn’t have to think about the fact that she was back on that awful campus that never worked for her.

But she had to look up eventually, and when she did she heaved out a breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding, because the walls were walls and the desk was a desk and the bed was a bed. She dumped her bag onto the floor, knowing she should be studying or writing the paper that was due tomorrow. She didn’t do either, though, because she sucked at college and it was enough work just going to and from class every day. (But she hadn’t missed a single class yet, and that had to count for something!)

Mae tugged her laptop out of the drawer where she’d stuck it and plugged it in, listening to it whir as it booted up. Falling back onto her bed, Mae closed her eyes and rested her head against the headboard. She could hear their messages pinging in as her laptop loaded them. She opened her eyes finally, resting her fingertip on the keyboard for a moment before clicking on the first message.

Bea [5:16 PM]:

When are you on break?

 

Mae [8:35 PM]:

Two weeks!!

Mae [8:35 PM]:

Just two more weeks! I’ll be home to visit, so you better not make plans >: )

Bea [8:43 PM]:

Well, in that case…

Bea [8:44 PM]:

I think I might accidentally make lots of plans those days.

Bea [8:44 PM]:

Kidding, I’m kidding.

Bea [8:44 PM]:

You know where I’ll be. Same place as always.

Bea [8:44 PM]:

I’m going to bed. Talk to you tomorrow, Mae.

 

Mae [8:47 PM]:

Night, Bea.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

The next morning was quiet. The robin that usually sang outside her window in the morning wasn't there, the boy who usually blasted his music from early morning to late night was silent, and the door didn't even creak when she opened it.

Mae stuffed headphones over her ears, playing the music through them loud enough to make up for her neighbor’s lack of profane rap. The walk to her morning class isn’t very far, twenty minutes by foot. Mae focused on the color of her shoes and squinted her eyes until she couldn’t tell what was just shapes and what was real.

Her fingers couldn’t feel the desk when she touched it, and they couldn’t hold her pencil when she tried to write. Everything that her professor said sounded blurry through her ears, but she wrapped her fingers as tightly around her pencil as she could and did her best to concentrate. It didn’t even matter if she didn’t hear what he was saying, she’d still made it to the class. And then, when she visited Possum Springs over Longest Night break, she would be able to tell Bea and Gregg and Angus that she’d never even missed a class, and they’d be proud of her. They’d probably even think, well, would you look at that? Mae’s finally getting her shit together—maybe she isn’t a total looney after all!

The class dragged on for fifteen eternities, and Mae pretended she was walking to the new taco place on her walk back to the dorm building.

She didn’t remember her walk there, just glancing up at the statue to make sure it was still a statue and going to bed without checking her laptop for messages first when she got back to her dorm.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The clock was a square. The flowers were all circles in their oval of a vase, and the window was a square, and the statue was all just triangles, her hands were circles and lines, her arms were just rectangles—

It was quiet again. The noise had left with reality. It was just Mae and shapes and nothing else.

Go to class! You have to go to class! You’ll never make anybody proud of you don’t go to class, you useless fuck.

Quiet everywhere except for her head was a concept that Mae hadn’t been familiar with in a long time.

What did Bea say to do? She said to do something when this happens.

Bea wasn’t here now, so Mae couldn’t very well ask. Not that she would have been able to see her or hear her through all of the noise of the shapes. Mae sat down on the ground, digging her palms into her eyes so that the world would just be black for at least a few seconds when she opened them again. She ran her hands over the comforter on her bed, sliding them along until she felt her laptop under her fingertips. Her touch felt muted.

Mae [10:02 AM]:

Bea

Mae [10:02 AM]:

Bea ebvrything isn’t real it doesn’t mateer there’s nothing

Mae [10:02 AM]:

IT’s really loud but it’s really quiet the ywon’t stop talking and ehtere’s nothing ehre but sshapes they wonte gwo away

Mae [10:04 AM]:

Hwo do I makei them go away

Mae [10:05 AM]:

They make me wanna do tbad thignsthey make me wanna hurt somjebody again I hate thema I hate everythone I hate the shapes make them go away

At some point Mae had crawled out of bed to go put on clothes, but the clothes were all just shapes that she was putting onto her body of more shapes. Where was the door? Where were her shoes? She couldn’t go to class if she couldn’t find the door.

Your shoes are next to the door, which is right in front of you. There—they’re those green rectangles.

Stupid. Only you could lose a door.

Mae didn’t know how to breathe—did the air turn into shapes, too?

She reached down, squeezing her eyes shut and feeling around for the fabric of her dusty old sneakers.  The world tipped below her and she scrambled to catch herself on the wall before she fell over.

 

Your hand is on the doorknob. Just turn it and go to class.

Or you could stay home. Sleep it off. Make it go away on its own.

It won’t go away, it’ll just stay here until Mae suffocates. Probably for the best, too.

 

Mae took a deep breath in, sliding her hand away from the doorknob and turning to face her dorm. There was only one thing in there that was bright red, which meant finding the bottle wasn’t too hard. Sleep made it go away, she could sleep and wake up and the world wouldn’t be shapes anymore. It tasted bitter on her tongue the way that it always did, and Mae let it sit there for a minute so that it could remind her that some things were still real.

Go to class, you jerk-off! You’re going to ruin everything if you miss it! God, Mae.

Class. Class, class, class. Just a twenty minute walk. Mae squinted her eyes, trying to make all the shapes dissolve. They stayed, all sharp corners and round edges. She closed her eyes and drank more sleep medication and felt her way around the wall until she felt the cold metal of the doorknob again under her fingers.

Fumble with the locks and twist until the door opens.

You’re in the hallway, just go left and walk straight until you get to the stairs.

Maybe she’ll fall down them and break her neck! Wouldn’t that be great?

No…somebody would have to clean it up.

“Shut up!” Mae snarled. “Stop talking! Nobody cares! Nobody’s listening!”

You’re listening.

“No, I’m not! No, no, no, no, no!” Mae felt her back press against the hallway walls, sliding down them and clamping her hands over her ears like it could block out the noise of it all.

“Oh my god, who are you yelling at?”

Mae peeled her eyes open, staring at the tall shape—boy—in front of her. His voice was a hundred miles away.

Scratch his eyes out! Peel his skin off! Make him bleed out on the ground until there’s nothing left! Kill him, kill him, kill him!

“I could kill you!” Mae howled, sticking her hands back over her ears. “I could do it! I’ve done it before! I hit him over and over and over and over. I’ll do it to you, too!”

“God, go be a freak somewhere else.” His feet were long, green triangles and his face looked gray and triangular. Probably a raccoon. But he went away, feet pounding down the stairs.

It didn’t matter anyway. It was just a line, and somebody wrote it for him. He was just another character in a computer game and she could hit him until all the pixels shattered apart into little red pieces on the animated floor.

There was grass under her feet now, and up above her was a blue sky with little white square clouds floating through it.

Her back was on the ground now, hands still pressed over her ears. Mae opened her eyes for a moment, just long enough to see that ugly triangular bird of a statue pointing down at her.

He’s probably laughing at you. He’s laughing because you missed your class and now nobody’s going to love you, cause they’ll never be proud of you. Bea probably hates you already—this is just the final straw.

Mae dug her palms into her eyes and screamed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Grass and dirt and cement under her back and hands over her ears and eyes pressed shut and snow falling on her face.

Hands prying her own away from her ears and tugging her up.

A blue girl with sharp teeth and scaly hands, made up of jagged triangles and squares and smooth circles, gripped her wrists and tugged her toward the dorm building.

“Not going there,” Mae hissed, feeling fur spike up on her neck. “It’s just shapes, it’s all just bad.”

“Okay, okay,” she held up a hand in surrender. “We won’t go to your dorm. My car, then. You…probably shouldn’t stay here right now, anyway.”

Claw her eyes out.

Mae frowned, giving in and letting herself be lead to the car—just a jumble of half-circles and rectangles and circles—and climbed in, drawing her knees to her chest and squeezing her eyes closed again.

The door on the driver’s side slammed shut and the radio was shut off with a light click.

Dig your claws into her arms and shred them. She’s just shapes, anyway. You can’t hurt shapes.

Mae let out a soft whimper, placing her head on her knees and squeezing her eyes shut tighter.

“Mae? Mae, how much of this did you drink?” Bea’s voice sounded mad, and Mae heard her sleep medication swirl in the plastic bottle. “Do you need to go to the hospital? Is this dangerous if you drink too much? Mae, seriously. Did you drink all of this just now?”

“No, no, no. Yes, no, yes, no. Just shapes. Can’t hurt.”

“Mae, you can’t just drink a shitload of this!”

Wrap your hands around her neck and—

“Shut up!” Mae snapped, hitting her head once against her knees. “Shut up, shut up, shut up! I’m not gonna do it! I won’t.”

“What?”

Break the glass from the windshield and use it to—

“I’m not going to hurt her, stop talking! Stop talking! Stop telling me what to do!”

A beat of silence. A pothole in the road.

“Jesus Christ, Mae.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“At least put a hat on. It’s snowing really hard.”

“No,” Mae didn’t remove her hands from her eyes. “It’s going to push my ears down and make my fur itch.”

“Your—Mae, you don’t have—? Oh. Oh, right.” Bea sighed loudly enough for Mae to hear, and the hat was tucked back into the glove compartment. “Fine, we won’t mess up your fur. Just…sit here with me for a couple minutes, alright? Work with me here, Mae.”

Climb up a building and throw yourself off.

“…fine.” Mae whispered, hugging her knees as tight to her chest as she could.

They waited in the quiet long enough for the voices to whisper longer, still violent and still hopeless with the things that they said.

“Hey, Mae?” Bea mumbled. “Are you…alright?”

“They won’t stop talking. It’s all just shapes.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Shapes can’t hurt you. You can’t hurt shapes. It’s all just red and black.”

“I don’t have any idea what you’re saying.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When Bea told her to get out of the car Mae opened her eyes just long enough to see the soft, circular shape that gathered her up and hoisted her onto his back.

“Careful, careful,” she warned, staring ahead all the rectangles and squares and octagons in front of them. “did it before, I’ll do it again.”

“You aren’t going to hurt anybody, Mae.” Bea sounded tired.

Mae shrugged, face pressed into Angus’ back. “S’all just shapes, anyway. Got these…nightmare eyes. Show you a nightmare, but you can’t feel it cause you’re just shapes with lines. Who’s the director?” She could hear them stopping to wait for a car to drive by. “He’s not a very good director.”

“Is that sleeping stuff dangerous? That red shit you can buy for like five bucks from the store? She drank, like, a whole thing of it.”

Mae could feel it when Angus’ spoke, his voice was so deep. “It can be. It can also just make you, like, drunk if you drink a lot of it. I guess just wait and see if she looks like she’s dying. When she’s like this, it’s probably not a good idea to…”

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.”

Kill ‘im. Your hands are so close to his throat! You’ve already disappointed them all anyway!

“Haven’t.”

You’ve already missed a bunch of classes today. You’re going to miss the rest of them, too.

“Can’t.”

“You can’t what, Mae?”

“Can’t miss my classes. Gotta go back.”

Mae could see, through where she’d cracked her eyes open, Bea’s frown and crossed arms as she marched along next to Angus. “You’re not going back for classes today. You’re going to make it worse.”

“No, I can’t miss them, I can’t, I have to go to all of them.”

The door to the apartment building opened. The elevator doors dinged.

“You really don’t. It doesn’t count toward your grade, anyway, I checked.”

Mae huffed, shaking her head so hard she almost knocked Angus over. “I have to go to all of them! I can’t miss any. I can’t.”

The elevator doors dinged again, and Mae could smell Gregg’s favorite candle burning from his room.

“Why? Mae, you’re just going to make this worse for yourself if—,”

“I have to go to all of them,” Mae repeated, feeling her breath catch as her face got wet. “I have to make you proud.” She breathed in, trying to get her breath back as she squirmed out of Angus’ grip and curled in on herself once her feet hit the floor. “I have to go to all of them and come back and tell you that I went to every single class, and you’re going to be proud of me and say good job, and it’s going to be good.”

“Mae.” Somebody shifted and sat, and they were so close that Mae could almost feel their  breath against her face as they pulled her hands away from her eyes. “Oh my god, Mae. I’m proud of you right now. You don’t have to do all this to yourself to make me proud.”

“You can’t go to college, but it’s okay, I’m doing it for you. I’m gonna go to every class and you’re gonna be proud and I’m not gonna be a jerk for quitting.”

“Shut up, Mae. Please. I want to go to college. I want it more than anything else. But that doesn’t mean you have to go. This town, it just—Possum Springs isn’t for me. College is for me. But I can’t go to college, so I’ll stay here and run the shop. But college isn’t for you. Possum Springs is for you, and you can be here anytime you want to. You’re…you can find something here, you know? Hell, we’ll save and move away with Greg and Angus. Whatever. I don’t care.”

Bea took a long breath in, and Mae peeled her eyes open to watch her rest her head against Mae’s hands. “I’m proud of you. You deal with all this shit and keep a good attitude. And you try really, really hard. Even when you’re tired. I’m proud of you. You’re doing a good job, Mae. You’re doing a fantastic job.”

“I couldn’t make it half a year. I couldn’t do it.”

“I don’t care. I didn’t like having to wait to see you, anyway. This town’s even more boring without you. Seriously, just…you don’t have to go to every class to make anybody proud.”

“I can’t feel my hands,” Mae whispered, eyes flitting up to Angus. “I can’t feel anything at all. It’s just shapes.”

Angus’ eyes turned to Bea, who still had her face pressed into Mae’s hands, instead. “She can sleep on the couch, if you want. I know she doesn’t like to sleep in our room.”

“Yeah, I’ll…I’ll have her do that. Thanks, Angus.”

He nodded, slipping away into the kitchen to leave them alone. Bea hoisted them both up, leading Mae over to the couch and making her lay down.

“Go to bed, Mae. You’ll feel better in the morning…if you haven’t killed yourself with all that medicine. Which, by the way, you aren’t allowed around anymore.”

Mae pressed her hands back into her eyes and rolled over onto her side to stare at the dark cushion on the couch.

The silence stretched on for a too-long beat.

“Night, Mayday.”

Notes:

Thank you for reading, please leave a comment if you enjoyed it. I'll be writing more for this, since it was kind of a drop-off ending. My tumblr is aobajosighs, feel free to message me with requests, feedback, or prompts.

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