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“For you shall see the land before you, but you shall not go there.”
- Deut. 32:51
Irene isn’t a tall person anyway, but right now she looks downright tiny. Tiny and fragile, and her hands are so very cold he’s not sure she’ll ever get warm again. She looks asleep, but he’s no doctor, so she might be unconscious or in a coma for all he knows. He hasn’t dared yet to look at her chart yet. He doesn’t want to press his luck, right now he’s just glad that he got unnoticed into her hospital room.
He’s breaking protocol, his very own protocol to top it all, right now. He isn’t supposed to visit. But then, Irene isn’t supposed to be in a hospital either. If she gets discovered by Ultra, she may expose them all. He was prepared to let her die to save them all, prepared to meet even more glares and barely covered whispers about how he’s a heartless bastard. Just like Jedikiah. And isn’t that the greatest irony of it all?
Because he’s thankful, so very thankful now that Stephen doesn’t give a rat’s ass about his orders most of the time; that Stephen saved Irene, regardless of the possible consequences for them all. If he’s really honest to himself then he envies Stephen. He can do the things John wishes he could. He can care about the single person instead about the whole bunch of them. John doesn’t enjoy telling others No time and time again. He doesn’t revel in challenging Cara to a jousting so they won’t go upside. He never asked for any of this, neither the power nor the burden. Not that he whishes any of this on anyone else. It wouldn’t be fair. Because as much as he hates Jedikiah, he was right about one thing: John will never see the Promised Land, and even if, he’ll never set foot inside. It’s not for people like him. His role is to lead his people there, to keep them safe on the way. He has an expiration date, and he doesn’t mind. He doesn’t deserve anything else. He knows that.
Every time he looks down at his shivering hands, every time he wakes up in terror of not knowing where he was or what he did is yet another reminder of what he’s become -- what Jedikiah turned him into. A killer. A freak.
Jedikiah saved him. And he destroyed him. Like a God. And like God wouldn’t let Moses into the Promised Land, John won’t see the refuge promised to his people. He would taint it, turn it into something never meant to be. And like Moses couldn’t stop loving God, John can’t stop himself from missing Jedikiah. And he hates himself for it.
But that’s neither here nor there, and nothing that he wants to burden other people with, not even Cara. The only important thing is to keep everyone safe from Ultra, and one day … one day, he might even manage to pull the trigger with Jedikiah on the other end of the gun. Maybe then his ability to kill will even feel like the gift Jedikiah thinks it is.
- fin