Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Where are you?”

“Please, answer your phone.”

“Are you still mad at me?”

“Chuuya, I'm sorry. You know I didn't mean to say those things to you. I didn't mean them.”

“I want to see you again.”

“Chuuya, it's been weeks. Talk to me.”

“I miss you.”

Chuuya hasn't had the chance to think this through. His heart was running wild with emotions he couldn't let out just yet, his mind was running wild with thoughts of Dazai, Dazai, Dazai. It's always ever been Dazai.

He needed to stop overthinking or he'll accidentally let one of these thoughts out, thoughts he didn't want Dazai to know of just yet. They learned how to hide things from each other since they were young courtesy of being in the port mafia and as they say, old habits die hard.

He hid his thoughts from Dazai and turned off his phone. He needed time. Time alone with just his thoughts and nothing else. But with Dazai pouring his feelings out for him through his thoughts, he couldn't help but feel his resolve crumble right before his eyes.

The argument they had days prior to him leaving their shared apartment was stupid. He knew just as well as Dazai did that it was a misunderstanding and nothing else but he couldn't help himself. Not when he saw Dazai with someone else, hands on their waist, whispering sweet nothings into their ear, placing a soft kiss to their lips. He knew there weren't any feelings involved but it was Dazai's way of explaining it to him that made him feel insecure.

“It's just for a mission, Chuuya. Quit being such a baby over it and focus on your own assignments.”

“It's obvious that you don't trust me enough if you're actually getting jealous over something like this.”

“Just leave. I don't have time to deal with this right now.”

All he felt at first was anger, 'That bastard. “Quit being such a baby. Don't trust me enough.” Like he doesn't know I trust him too much for my own good. Did he have to say it that way? Couldn't he just explain it to me like any normal human being?!”

And when the anger faded, he felt his chest tighten at Dazai's words, felt his heart break just the slightest bit because 'I'm not even worth his time'. He left before Dazai process his thoughts, before he could fix his mistakes. Chuuya walked right out of the front door with tears threatening to fall from his wide blue eyes.

Those words stung and Dazai knew full well how much his words and actions can affect Chuuya.

Dazai called out his name with panic in his voice but he didn't chase after him, thinking that he'd be back by night time. But Chuuya hasn't gone back once since he left, hurt by sharp words said on impulse, by a man who he had learned to love with all his heart. He didn't want to face him just yet.

And then a voice pierced through the quiet of his own mind.

“I love you, Chuuya.”

“Come back to me.”

He stops, thinking of nothing but the words he just heard, replaying them in his mind over and over again. And all of a sudden he's running towards their shared apartment, thinking of what to say when he sees Dazai again although nothing specific comes to mind. Dazai could probably already hear his thoughts streaming through, messy and unfiltered, as he reaches the front door.

The door opens before he could even twist the doorknob.

He's tugged in and the door closes shut behind him. Before he even has the chance to say anything, strong arms pull him into a tight embrace. He freezes for a mere moment, shocked, until he notices the slight tremor in the arms that were holding him close. He relaxes then, lifting his own arms up to wrap around the taller man's waist.

Dazai's familiar scent and comforting warmth, he realised then how much he missed this, how much he missed Dazai even though they've only been apart for a few weeks. All because of a petty argument, all because they let their emotions get the best of them. But right now all that mattered was this, this feeling of relief that suddenly washes over the both of them, this strong sense of affection they both have for each other.

“I'm sorry, Chuuya.”

His voice barely above a whisper, the sentence spoken in a soft tone. Chuuya tightened his hold on Dazai's waist just the slightest bit more. He opened his eyes slowly before pulling back without breaking apart, hands still on Dazai's waist. He then tilts his head up to look Dazai in the eye.

“Don't do that ever again.”

Dazai leaned forward, lightly pressing their foreheads together before placing a chaste kiss on Chuuya's lips.

“Never again.”

Chapter Text

It's old news by now, Dazai leaving the port mafia. It's been months after the incident and Chuuya has given up on trying to find the bastard. He was desperately searching, going wherever Dazai's been before this, trying to find clues only to be disappointed when he found none. But then again exactly what was he trying to find, a letter explaining everything, a note telling him where he was?

That'd be absolutely stupid. He knew that way before he even started searching.

And so after days of being pissed at everyone and everything, after weeks of dispatching search teams that fail on every try, after months of trying to find even a single trace of Dazai, Chuuya gave up. He realized too late that there wasn't any point to this. There wasn't a point in finding someone who doesn't want to be found.

Especially if said person was Dazai Osamu.

__________

It's been four years since they last saw each other, it's been four years since Dazai's disappearance. And exactly after four years, Chuuya found Dazai in his apartment, making himself comfortable on his couch with a glass of his wine in hand. It was infuriating to say the least and Dazai hasn't even spoken yet.

“You know, I really expected you to turn into a drunkard after I left.”

“I was thinking the same until I realized that'd be exactly what you want.”

Dazai laughs then, a soft sound that fills up the otherwise silent room. And Chuuya, Chuuya realizes then how long it's been since he's heard Dazai laugh like this, bright and unrestrained.

He can't help but realize how much he had missed Dazai's laughter, his voice, just him in general.

He can't help but feel a tug on his heart, realizing just how much Dazai had changed in those four years they spent apart. Realizing how different they are now, even more so compared to how they were before.

Dazai Osamu, currently in the Armed Detective Agency. His smiles unlike the sneers he used to wear on his lips, far more genuine. His laughter that can brighten up the whole room, a laughter that he lets out far more frequently now that he's left the mafia. Dazai Osamu who actually cares for his subordinate instead of using them as mere tools. Dazai Osamu who fights for the good side.

Dazai Osamu who seems so much more human.

And then there's Chuuya. Nakahara Chuuya who hasn't changed much apart from the fact that he drinks more now. Letting the alcohol fill his system, to push down the memories he tries desperately to forget. Who has become slightly more ruthless now, his fists far more bruised than it ever was before. Nakahara Chuuya whose loyalty still lies with the Port Mafia.

Nakahara Chuuya who feels so much more corrupted.

He can't help but feel as though he's being left behind again. So far back that he just can't catch up anymore, no matter how hard he tries.

He crushes the thought in his mind, drowns the emotions brewing in his heart and steels himself. He can't let himself be swayed so easily, can't let his feelings take control of his mind.

He can't let Dazai waltz back into his life this easily, like he had never left in the first place.

“Why're you here Dazai?”

Dazai stops laughing then, a rueful smile replacing his grin.

“I wanted to see you again.”

“Now that you've seen me, leave.”

“I'm not going to leave you, Chuuya.”

Chuuya tries not to let this affect him, he really does.

“You already did, Dazai.”

With that he leaves the apartment, leaving Dazai where he sat on the couch. It didn't matter anyways, he just wanted to be alone and if Dazai didn't want to leave then he will. Dazai doesn't come after him and he spends the rest of the night at Kouyou's place.

Kouyou has a knowing look on her face but doesn't ask any questions, only pulls him into her warm embrace.

He lets himself be comforted without resisting, just for the night.

__________

The seventh time Dazai walks into the apartment, Chuuya can't find it in himself to feel surprised or angry anymore. He just lets out a sigh and walks off to the kitchen.

“Did you change the locks again, Chuuya?”

Yes, he did in fact change the locks but that didn't stop Dazai from breaking in anyways.

He ignores Dazai for the sake of both his blood pressure and his dinner.

“Chuuya~ Don't ignore me,” Dazai whines as he walks into the kitchen, moving towards the counter right in front of Chuuya.

“What's for dinner?”

“Nothing for you, you bandage wasting bastard.”

“You're so mean, Chuuya!”

If Dazai noticed the extra portion Chuuya was making, he doesn't say a word about it as he proceeds to ask Chuuya about his day and in turn telling him about his.

Chuuya doesn't want to let Dazai waltz back into his life so easily.

But then again, when do things ever go his way when it comes to Dazai.

__________

The next time Dazai enters his house it's by actually opening the door with a spare key. Chuuya gave up on changing the locks only to have his apartment broken in by Dazai the very next day.

They've formed a sort of routine by now, with Dazai coming in almost every day like he lives there. Which isn't that far from the truth now that Chuuya thinks about it.

Sometimes after their meals, Dazai leaves to go back to his own place. But more often than not, he stays the night and only leaves after they've had breakfast together.

He looks around and he sees pieces of Dazai all over the place – his clothes in the closet, his preferred foods in the kitchen cabinet, his books on the nightstand – and Chuuya realises that he doesn't mind it as much as he thought he would.

This time, as Dazai hugs him from behind and asks him about his day he doesn't push him away. Instead, he turns around and places a chaste kiss on Dazai's lips, telling him that his day went fine. Dazai, shocked by his actions doesn't say a word and Chuuya can feel his face flush to the tips of his ears as the silence drags on.

And then Dazai grins, bright and beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

Chuuya can't help but be entranced by the sight.

It may take a while for things to go back to the way it used to be, but they still have time to make amends, to fix their once broken relationship and make it better than it ever was before.