Chapter Text
I was always taught to be fair, that life, no matter how bad it seemed, would always end happily
I always thought that was utter bollocks. I would never tell this to my parents of course, not that I could anyways.
When I had been young I was constantly ridiculed for simple and unimportant things.
In kindergarten it was my love for Pokemon and other childish anime. Throw in video games too.
This of course led to me being bullied because of my quite impressive Pokemon card collection.
Now as a child this wasn't a big deal, I didn't quite understand the concept of bullying which is why I just cried for help.
The help was usually a very annoyed teacher. Not that I cared, it was her job after all.
Even now as an adult I didn't understand, aren't little children supposed to like Pokemon?
Okay I understood if they couldn't see the obvious appeal in Winnie the Pooh, which was still a crime in it's own being, but Pokemon?
I shook my head, it didn't matter, maybe I just went to a shit kindergarten. And school, and a shit life.
Nah, I'm pretty sure I'm the one that's shit.
-Yes, I agree. Shit like you makes everything else stink.-
Not everything, I'm just-
-Horrible? Useless? Maybe a wuss?
Ah a fag too? The list could go on...-
There shouldn't be anything wrong with being gay.
-The world doesn't agree shithead, accept your failure!-
I clung on head harshly, why did these thoughts get to me all the time? I could feel moisture on my forehead quickly forming.
I was so disgusting.
Trying to shake them off I rolled over in my bed. I heard a crash in the other room, quickly followed by an annoyed groan.
I turned to the wall separating our rooms.
I hope he's alright.
The silence that followed actually got me a bit worried, was he OK? What if he hit his head somewhere and is bleeding on the floor? What if he has some kind of injury?
Should I get up and see? Check just in case? I probably should.
Better safe than sorry.
As I started getting the sheets of my bed and off of me the rustle of bed sheets in the other room stopped me.
He was obviously fine.
The small mutterings that followed only further confirmed this.
I'm such an idiot. Why would anyone rely on me?
Look where that took my parents.
No, I should stop thinking about this now.
-Why? -
Quiet please, I just don't want to think about them right now.
-Oh.-
Thanks, for once you-
-The little fag is too weak to think, ah what a surprise.-
I slumped my head down. I was still in that sitting sort of position since the attempt of almost helping Phil.
I still didn't understand the voices. I don't know why I call them voices, it is only one voice.
Still I don't want to think about them.
The voice quietly chuckled, I shivered. That cold sound just made me frightened.
-Why don't you though? It was your-
I had never before been more happy to hear someone knock on my doors.
Not that I didn't know who it was, it was quite obvious.
Yet I had no courage to answer.
"Dan?" Phil's voice was quiet and uncertain. It sounded so hopefully yet as if scared to interrupt.
I had learned over my time here Phil was compassionate, sweet, friendly and irresistibly cute.
"Hm?" I was very proud how my voice didn't even falter. Sounding distracted, disinterested. Even careless.
Why couldn't I just accept his extended hand of friendship?
-Because maybe-
Shut it.
-Getting feisty I see? Is that how you like it when other men-
Fuck. Off.
I didn't hear the voice respond. I was of course very proud, I had managed to shut it.
"Oh, well I'm going down the road to this cafe, and I was wondering if you wanted something?" His was laced with a sweet cheer. A bit too sweet.
He was probably trying to sound happy to please me.
Hearing a small jingle of keys being tightened confirmed it.
Phil was desperate for me to answer, but I was at loss of words.
I didn't know what to do.
Human interaction is unreliable, unpredictable and most importantly dangerous.
I should leave Phil out of my shit life and let him live his life happily.
With me he'll just experience pain and hurt.
"No, you can go."
The moment I said it so indifferently I felt horrible. I sounded cocky, like some king dismissing his lowly servant. I should have said it respectfully. I should have-
"Okie - Dokie! See you later Dan!" Phil sounded genuinely happy. It made me feel so sick on the inside.
Why can't I be happy?
Why, when I want, can't I be nice
Why do I put these walls around me?
Why am I so disrespectful.
I should be at least.
"Bye." I said meekly, quietly, I wondered if he even heard my disgusting voice.
As I heard him leave the apartment I clung onto myself.
I choked back a sob.
I felt so disgusting.
I hated myself.
The worst is I was letting my coldness reach the sweet Phil.
I remembered back when I was still waiting to move in and got that text from him. With that emoji, happy, smiling, nothing like me.
I remembered how I had thought that the happy vibes could help me, how I smiled to myself.
But when I came in, saw his personality and I quickly I realised I would just ruin him.
Better keep away and keep every person happy and me sad then everyone sad.
This time I couldn't stop the sob, I let the tears flow freely, knowing no one was here to witness it anyways.
-Filthy-