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Chapter Text

Dripping...

Dripping...

All over the floor... Not that he could see it, seeing how he had closed his eyes...

Was this normal? Dan didn't really care anymore, but sometimes it bothered him. Like many things that is. He honestly felt empty, like those cheap statues you find in shops that are empty on the inside. Of course those statues usually broke quickly, he knew that much. Did this mean he was going to brake?

... or was he already broken? Was he in the process of breaking? Was he still fixable? Chuckling at his own thoughts Dan winced in pain. There was no was he was fixable, people this fucked weren't fixable. That is what kids at school had told him, good he wasn't going to that hell hole anymore. He had even dropped out of university, he just couldn't go on after...well, everything.

Drip...drip...

"SHITE!" Dan swore loudly, he opened his eyes, looking through them praying that he hadn't done it again. He knew that he probably had, there was no point in praying anyways. Who would answer the prayers anyways? They had never been answered, why would they now?

He winced again, seeing he had in fact done it. Oh, what a failure of a human being he was. Tears filled his eyes, he wanted someone to comfort him, to say it was okay, but his parents weren't on this world anymore. He had no friends.

Which is why Daniel James Howell was left staring at his shamefully bloody hands, each cut practically screaming at him in shame. Each tear sadly sliding down his face. Each thought painfully reminding him. Reminding of how he had lost everyone.

Everyone....

Chapter Text

Striking sharp rays of the sun in the morning didn't improve his mood, he only glared outside the window. Crawling out of bed he quickly found a big jumper, he just couldn't stand staring at what he had done, again. Walking around his tiny room sleepily he sighed.

He absolutely wasn't looking forward to today. The truth was Dan's life may suck, but he didn't want to end up homeless too, that wouldn't really help his situation.

This is why Dan was getting himself a roommate, at a new apartment, in London. For months now he had been looking for a roommate with a really cheap price somewhere, anywhere, outside Manchester.

He couldn't stand the memories that painted themselves whenever he went outside, he just couldn't. Now this wasn't the only reason of course, he wouldn't move because of such a wimpy reason. At least that was what he kept telling himself.

He was broke, he needed a roommate to share the pay with and shit, and he had found just that with a guy in London. It was still early since Dan had to take an early ride to London. His taxi was arriving at exactly 7:30 am and-

"Sweet fuckin' noodles!" It was 7:15! How in the fuck would he get everything ready in 15 bloody minutes?!?! Oh but Dan was determinated not to get defeated by an un-packed suitcase. He was damn ready to get that shit done now, and he was bloody going to!!!

***

He had managed, five minutes late that is. The taxi driver was rather grumpy and kept grunting swears under his breath. Dan had decided to ignore him, choosing to play flappy bird. Being without wifi sucked balls.

"Ah! Damn you!" He swore at his phone, he had hit another bloody pipe! He was horrible at this game! Well he soon realised the taxi driver was glaring daggers at him.

"Oh not you sir! The game...ummm... you now how they are, always fuckin' you up...?" Dan asked awkwardly. This didn't really reassure the taxi driver but at least he stopped glaring. Sighing Dan stared out the window, thinking of many nerdy theories.

This was going to be a long bloody ride to London.

***

"That'll be 10 pounds sonny, and don't ya dare be so disrespectful next time!" Dan grumbled under his breath, the taxi driver was so annoying! He had even decided to just get off that ride a bit earlier and just get a cab to the new apartment.

Dan decided to text the new roommate Phil or whatever, telling him he was probably going to be late. The guy seemed to be understanding or just overly cheerful, because he had texted Dan back with an "OK" with a big smiley face emoji.

He didn't know how he felt about that, maybe it would do him good being in a cheery environment. He didn't know, but he hoped.

Looking back at the cheery message he smiled just a bit.

Yes, maybe it would do him some good.

Chapter Text

The new cabby honestly wasn't half bad, he just did his job and took the money at the end.
Dan could appreciate that, he did anyways. He took his bags, slowly and carefully, seeing as yesterday he had cut deeper than intended. Looking up the place wasn't something impressive but it wasn't bad either. It was simple, nice and relaxing.

As he neared the intended doors he started feeling his heart rate go up, harsh breathing and a boggled mind mixed into it too. His anxiety was reaching him in the worst moment.

What if he doesn't like you?

I'm sure it will be fine

He'll hate an annoying fag like you!

But he seemed nice in the texts...

NO!
HOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT PEOPLE THINK BY TEXTS!?

But...

Dan clung to his head, the stupid thoughts we're getting to him again. Whenever he had them, he tried arguing with himself but it just resulted in anxiety attacks or severe headaches.

Oh, does the little shit hurt? Wimpy!
Wimpy! Yes a little shitty wimp!

Dan tried ignoring it, but his head hurt so much. He still hadn't dared knocking on the doors either. Not in this state anyways.

Go away, go away, go away, go away, go-

"Hey, you alright there mate?"
Dan's head shot up in a second to see who said it. And just like he speculated it was the owner of the apartment he was supposed to go to.

Woohoo! What a great way to greet someone! You know the casual gripping your head for dear life in front of their doors.

Note the obvious sarcasm.

Dan decided to at least be respectful and look the guy in the eyes. He wasn't uncultured! Well, at least he liked to think he wasn't.
But when Dan met the guys eyes he was quickly mesmerized.
The eyes we're so blue! Like the ocean! Or the sky! They twinkled with the happy lights dancing in them.

Dan had never in his life seen someone with such beautiful blue eyes.
It was at that moment he was thinking of changing his favorite color to that shade of blue. That mesmerizing shade of blue, simply beautiful.

"Umm... mate you sure you're okay? How many fingers am I holding?"
At the speed of light Dan realised that he had become lost in his thoughts. Embarrassed Dan said quickly:

"Two... I MEAN THREE! Sorry, ummm... I have a headache, nothing to worry 'bout. Not that you shouldn't worry about headaches, just there shouldn't be much concern I just-"

"Wow, calm down! Do you want tea? I'm sure it will help. " The guy smiled cutely with a bit of his tongue sticking out.
Dan , who was already flustered and embarrassed, blushed. This guy seemed genuinely nice and extremely cute and it wasn't helping Dan in speaking reasonably.

"Yeah.... yeah tea would be lovely thanks."

And that was how Dan met Phil, and how Phil met Dan. Now it was only a matter of time before they actually started knowing each other.

Chapter Text

Panic(!) attacks in the morning weren't the loveliest things you could experience. Nor the best.
But Dan still found himself breathing heavily, grasping the air in pathetic attempts. Guilt trailed his soul in raspy screams which echoed in his mind.
Shame cascaded his body in agony, the scars pulsed, mocking him.
Sweat dripped from his forehead like soft sad rain.
Like he said; it wasn't the loveliest.
Dan was emotionally in shambles, ripped and tossed on the inside.

Huh, the last thing he needed was his new flat mate to come. How hilarious would that be?

"Dan do you want some coffee?" Came a voice from the outside.

Ah fuck me!

That was the first thought Dan had, honestly , speak of the Devil!

Wait, don't actually.

Groaning painfully Dan sat up in his new bed.

"No thanks! I don't like coffee!" He tried saying as normally ad he could, but of course his voice cracked a bit. He just wished the blue-eyed beauty would go away.

"Oh, ..."

Finally, I think the guy gets the message I wanna be left the fuck alone.

"Hot chocolate then?"

Apparently not.

"Uh, sure"
Dan decided if he was honestly offered hot chocolate he might as well not refuse. It was free hot chocolate what else could you want?

"Okie Dokie Danny!"
Dan could practically feel the smile from behind the doors, it was-

Wait did he just call me Danny?

Dan chuckled and burrowed his head back at his pillow. His heart rate was still beating strongly and his breathing was still heavy. But this time it was because of something else.

This guy is too adorable for his own good.

Chapter Text

(Phil POV)

I have always been quite a clumsy person. Ever since I can remember really.
When I would try to pick my books after class I'd trip on the chair, as unbelievable as it sounded. I don't think people in my school would've believed it if they hadn't seen it every day.
But if anything people always found it funny or endearing. I've heard girls call it 'cute', and guys call it 'funny'.

It never bothered me, no one ever bothered me, I never bothered them.
Simple, I was always the cute guy that tripped over thin air and talked too much for his own good.
I've never had a single harmful bone I'm my body. Head to toe and back.
But it's not like I was popular, I was just there. I had my friends, my happiness, a nice reputation, and absolutely nothing bad ever happened to me! (If you didn't count the constant tripping of course.)

Then I went to college, pretty much the same thing. In was a nice guy, I tripped, I talked and I matured. At least I liked to think so.
Okay, maybe not really, I was rather childish. But I matured on the outside.
I became what everyone preferred to as 'handsome'. I didn't really think about it. Everyone was beautiful or handsome anyways so it wasn't anything special.

Not everyone thought so apparently.
I got multiple confessions from guys and girl alike and not. It felt bad turning many down, and disappointing them on dates if I actually accepted.

I just sucked at dating, the thought of trying to romantically seduce someone with my personality was Terrifying. I would chicken out because I didn't like the person a lot. I would splutter nonsense after getting nervous because I liked the person a lot. I would flip the plates accidentally because they were a bit more straightforward with their flirting methods. The list, as you can see could go on.

I , of course, never let it take me down. I was too cheerful, optimistic, happy or a saint , as people liked to say.

I loved cats, but was allergic. I hated cheese, but was kinda lactose intolerant. I loved plants and stuffed them around the house.

And the last is I was extremely friendly. Which is what was exactly bugging me now, because it wasn't working!

The reason was, honestly, my new roommate. He wasn't cocky, a douche, an asshole, a murderer, a bully, nor was he stupidly oblivious about the world around him.

He was simply, not there. Not in the literal sense of course. More of a 'I never leave my room except when I've got to eat' sort of absent. The bathroom, if you're wondering, I've never seen him enter it. Logically I know he has to go there, but it's the fact that I never see him go that irks me.

Not that I'm some sort of pervert that watches people... do their daily... routine. Its more like it feels like I never actually have a roommate!

My guess is he goes to the toilet while I'm at work and showers late at night when I'm asleep.

Ugh, what am I even thinking about?

Actually, I really do want to befriend him. Let's be honest, I befriend everyone that smiles my way.

My own thoughts are conflicting me, I should really just go and get a coffee. I could make my own, but the apartment felt really gloomy. I didn't like that.

Ill just go down to the café, Louise is working at it currently. I could have a nice chat with her. God did I need some friendly smiles!

With those thoughts in my head I immediately rose from my bed, sheets tangling my legs like flies in a web.
Which why I wasn't surprised when I toppled to the ground with a harsh thud. I let out a groan of pain emphasizing my current conflicting pain. Dan, was probably used to this by now, seeing as our rooms we're literally next to each other.

I wondered if he cared. Did he though? When I fell of the bed, did he look over at the wall separating our rooms and thought "I hope he's fine"
Or did he scoff annoyingly at how clumsy I am , probably waking up all the neighbours with how much mess I was making.

I didn't want to jump to conclusions, even though some malevolent quiet voice in my head told me it was the latter. He just seemed so unapproachable and cold, with an indifferent demeanor around him.

Which was the exact reason he had gotten himself a reputation in this short week he's been living here.
The entire building thought of him as "the asshole", "the heartless bastard" and similar. The truth was as much as I wanted to defend him, seeing as he was my roommate, I just couldn't find an arguable argument.

This still hadn't stopped my efforts though, I tried befriending him, and still am, in the best ways I can.

And that was why I was knocking on his doors as I was preparing to leave for the cafe.

"Dan?" I asked uncertainly. Not quite knowing if he was awake yet or not. His sleeping schedule was the the worst. I didn't want to wake him up, but still wanted to talk to him if he was awake.

"Hm?" Came a distracted hum from the inside. Success! He actually answered. This was obviously improvement. He mostly ignored me.

"Oh, well I'm going down the road to this cafe, and I was wondering if you wanted something? I tried saying as cheerfully as I could. I didn't want to ruin the perfect way he actually answered.
I clung to my keys in concentration waiting to see if he was going to answer back.
Maybe I had been too persistent, maybe I should just give him some space.
But I was already giving him that, he wasn't reacting. So I should be persistent. No, what if that irritates him? Maybe-

"No, you can go." The indifferent, a bit cold, but steady voice that answered might've discouraged some people, but not me. This was, believe it or not, progress. Answering, was the first thing, and answering more than one thing was another beautiful thing too.
I felt a bit bad, how could a person be so cold all the time? Don't they need a bit of warmness? Well, there was no need to think about it now, I should probably get to the cafe before it gets to crowdy.

"Okie - Dokie! See you later Dan!" I answered cheerfully. I couldn't wait to get him out that shell of his.
I just refused to accept people could be this indifferent to everything. On the inside, he had to be a wonderful person.
He had to be.

"Bye." Came a meek voice reminding of how he had been the day I met him. All flustered and shy, refusing to look me in the eye after that one stare.

Wonderful, I repeated in my head.

He's got to be wonderful.

Chapter Text

I was always taught to be fair, that life, no matter how bad it seemed, would always end happily
I always thought that was utter bollocks. I would never tell this to my parents of course, not that I could anyways.
When I had been young I was constantly ridiculed for simple and unimportant things.
In kindergarten it was my love for Pokemon and other childish anime. Throw in video games too.
This of course led to me being bullied because of my quite impressive Pokemon card collection.
Now as a child this wasn't a big deal, I didn't quite understand the concept of bullying which is why I just cried for help.
The help was usually a very annoyed teacher. Not that I cared, it was her job after all.

Even now as an adult I didn't understand, aren't little children supposed to like Pokemon?
Okay I understood if they couldn't see the obvious appeal in Winnie the Pooh, which was still a crime in it's own being, but Pokemon?
I shook my head, it didn't matter, maybe I just went to a shit kindergarten. And school, and a shit life.

Nah, I'm pretty sure I'm the one that's shit.

-Yes, I agree. Shit like you makes everything else stink.-

Not everything, I'm just-

-Horrible? Useless? Maybe a wuss?
Ah a fag too? The list could go on...-

There shouldn't be anything wrong with being gay.

-The world doesn't agree shithead, accept your failure!-

I clung on head harshly, why did these thoughts get to me all the time? I could feel moisture on my forehead quickly forming.

I was so disgusting.

Trying to shake them off I rolled over in my bed. I heard a crash in the other room, quickly followed by an annoyed groan.

I turned to the wall separating our rooms.

I hope he's alright.

The silence that followed actually got me a bit worried, was he OK? What if he hit his head somewhere and is bleeding on the floor? What if he has some kind of injury?

Should I get up and see? Check just in case? I probably should.

Better safe than sorry.

As I started getting the sheets of my bed and off of me the rustle of bed sheets in the other room stopped me.

He was obviously fine.

The small mutterings that followed only further confirmed this.

I'm such an idiot. Why would anyone rely on me?
Look where that took my parents.

No, I should stop thinking about this now.

-Why? -

Quiet please, I just don't want to think about them right now.

-Oh.-

Thanks, for once you-

-The little fag is too weak to think, ah what a surprise.-

I slumped my head down. I was still in that sitting sort of position since the attempt of almost helping Phil.

I still didn't understand the voices. I don't know why I call them voices, it is only one voice.

Still I don't want to think about them.

The voice quietly chuckled, I shivered. That cold sound just made me frightened.

-Why don't you though? It was your-

I had never before been more happy to hear someone knock on my doors.

Not that I didn't know who it was, it was quite obvious.

Yet I had no courage to answer.

"Dan?" Phil's voice was quiet and uncertain. It sounded so hopefully yet as if scared to interrupt.

I had learned over my time here Phil was compassionate, sweet, friendly and irresistibly cute.

"Hm?" I was very proud how my voice didn't even falter. Sounding distracted, disinterested. Even careless.

Why couldn't I just accept his extended hand of friendship?

-Because maybe-

Shut it.

-Getting feisty I see? Is that how you like it when other men-

Fuck. Off.

I didn't hear the voice respond. I was of course very proud, I had managed to shut it.

"Oh, well I'm going down the road to this cafe, and I was wondering if you wanted something?" His was laced with a sweet cheer. A bit too sweet.

He was probably trying to sound happy to please me.
Hearing a small jingle of keys being tightened confirmed it.
Phil was desperate for me to answer, but I was at loss of words.

I didn't know what to do.

Human interaction is unreliable, unpredictable and most importantly dangerous.

I should leave Phil out of my shit life and let him live his life happily.

With me he'll just experience pain and hurt.

"No, you can go."
The moment I said it so indifferently I felt horrible. I sounded cocky, like some king dismissing his lowly servant. I should have said it respectfully. I should have-

"Okie - Dokie! See you later Dan!" Phil sounded genuinely happy. It made me feel so sick on the inside.

Why can't I be happy?
Why, when I want, can't I be nice
Why do I put these walls around me?
Why am I so disrespectful.

I should be at least.

"Bye." I said meekly, quietly, I wondered if he even heard my disgusting voice.

As I heard him leave the apartment I clung onto myself.
I choked back a sob.

I felt so disgusting.
I hated myself.
The worst is I was letting my coldness reach the sweet Phil.

I remembered back when I was still waiting to move in and got that text from him. With that emoji, happy, smiling, nothing like me.

I remembered how I had thought that the happy vibes could help me, how I smiled to myself.

But when I came in, saw his personality and I quickly I realised I would just ruin him.

Better keep away and keep every person happy and me sad then everyone sad.

This time I couldn't stop the sob, I let the tears flow freely, knowing no one was here to witness it anyways.

-Filthy-

Chapter Text

I was really intrigued by Dan.

The first day I met him he was all shy and flustered, and to be honest a bit out of it.
Then the next two days he was still packing and was talkative to the point he at least answered.

And now two weeks have passed and his reputation is one of a douche or a heartless bastard.

I was so confused! It was killing me not to know what his actual personality was. It was frustrating, and really time consuming.

It felt like the so called 'nice' side of him he showed was a slip up, and that now he is trying to rebuild the walls around himself.

It was maddening! Why would he do that? What happened to him that gave him a reason to act this way?

I walked down the street as the lights flickered a bit. These thoughts had been hunting me for a while now.
I am always first ecstatic when answers me, but then I start thinking about this and my mood is turned upside down in a second.

It was mind boggling, how a person could be on your mind for so long and you never get bored of them. You only find more interesting things to think or say about them, like an endless stream of thoughts.

Turning left to another street I felt myself hit someone in front of me. Stumbling back I tried keeping balance, but of course with my clumsiness I should've known that would've never worked. I fell on the ground and felt the familiar pain in my back. Let's just say I have a tendency to fall and trip.

As I was about to look up to apologize to the person I hit, I heard someone speak before me.

"Uh, sorry I guess" I froze then and there, and I didn't know why. That voice was so familiar. I must've heard it somewhere. My memory was failing me, it's like its on the tip of my tongue but I just don't know what is it.

"Um, mate? I didn't hit you too hard did I? Or are you just tipsy? " as the voice repeated itself I realised I probably looked mental just sitting there, staring at the ground.

I quickly stud up, with a bit of wincing, and I felt the stranger trying to help me. I kept trying to push him away but the stranger was rather stubborn.

"I'm fine really, just a bit of back pain. Nothing to worry about... " I felt the strangers before gentle hands, freeze in realization, just like his whole body. I was confused, what was wrong?

"Phil? " the voice was shaky, uncertain even. As if he couldn't believe what he was saying, I was still perplexed by it. Why was it so familiar?

I looked up in confusion, seeing as this stranger knew my name, but if I had thought the voice was familiar than the face was damn outright familiar in a way, I knew it. But again I didn't. It felt like I had known that face. Those green eyes, brown curl-ish hair. But I just didn't know from where.

"Phil. " this time his voice wasn't questioning. It was acknowledging, as if he was sure he knew me.
But the problem was.

"Who are you? "

I didn't know him.

"PJ"

At least I think I didn't.

Chapter Text

Phil should be home by now. I was sure of this, he always came back at exactly the same time.
I knew this, and not because I was a stalker, more like 'until when can I be out of my room until he comes back' sort of thing.
I paced around the kitchen, maybe I should call him. I still had his phone number.

-He probably decided it was too much being in the house at the same time with a fag like you.-

He seemed nice, why would he do -

-Didn't I make myself clear? Being in the same environment, same house, with a fag like you makes him want to be with normal people! NORMAL!-

Normal, huh. Something I have never been. I felt myself tremble a bit, my hands shook. I kept trying to stop them but they just shook harder.

Normal, normal, normal, normal....

NORMAL!

I didn't even realise when I closed my eyes but when I opened them I heard a terrible crash. Looking around quite paranoid I saw a broken vase, one of Phil's plants falling sadly out of it.
I couldn't see anything that could've broken it. The window was closed and nothing had fallen on it.

What just happened?
I stared at it in horror, my eyes were open and staring in pure disbelief.

"-yeah! And remember when you-DAN! Um, didn't expect you out of your room. Not that there's anything bad about that just- HEY! Isn't that Susan? "

I could barely register what was happening but Phil was home, and he had company.

"Wh-who's Su-Susa-an? " I stuttered pathetically like usual. I hated every single tone of my voice. I wasn't sure what I looked like but it sure as fuck wasn't confident because Phil's blond friend seemed to be concerned.

And so did Phil himself.

I quickly snapped out of my terrified haze and hurriedly started picking up the broken pieces with my shaking hands. I kept looking at the floor because I knew I looked horrible right now. Phil must be disgusted.

"Here I'll pick it up" I trembled and my voice shook. "Ju-just here I-I'll pick it up for-for you" I continued pathetically.

"Dan! Stop, you're shaking! You'll cut yourself. " Phil's voice warned me but I ignored him. It had to be me who broke the vase. And if it was me I could be kicked out of the apartment.

Let's not mention Phil loved his plants.

"N-no, it, it's fine. " I said ,to in a way, just say something and not stay quiet. From the corners of my vision I saw him kneel beside me and start taking the shattered pieces off the floor.

"Auuu! " I yelped as a sharp piece of the vase cut my pinkie. The cut was rather deep, hurt like hell, and was bleeding. I clung it in instinct.

Bloody hell

"Here, let me help you. " and for the first time in a long time someone comforted me while I was in pain.
Phil took my hand and led me to the kitchen sink. I was so shocked someone was helping me I didn't even react.

Phil was about to pull up my sleeves to not get them wet, but I quickly reacted, stopping him. He couldn't see the cuts, he shouldn't, he mustn't.

"Come on Dan, your sleeves will get wet, I'm sure you wouldn't want that. " He said his face etched in confusion. I just refused to. Phil sighed and dipped my finger under the cool water, his gentle fingers still holding my hand softly.

I like it.

I heard malicious laughter and I immediately knew it was the voice.

-Aw, has the little fag fallen in love?-

It taunted me, seeping insecurities into me. I tried ignoring it.

"That's it Dan. " Phil smiled at me, it felt like the insecurities were washing themselves out. And yet in the corners of my mind I heard the voice cursing.

"You should go to sleep Dan. " again his sweet voice washed away the pain, insecurities, and most importantly the voice became quieter.

I smiled happily not even processing what I was doing. Turning around I sleepily touched the area that had been held by Phil. He just seemed so nice, maybe I should stop avoiding him.

For the first time in years I fell asleep peacefully.

~~~~

Louise watched as Phil cleaned off the remains of the vase. She was suspicious, there was some energy surrounding it. And that roommate of Phil's. There was only one more way to look through this.

"Here Phil let me help you. " She smiled cheerfully, crouching down she started picking up the pieces.

"You don't have to, it's my apartment. " Phil as sweet as ever refused, but she was having none of it.

"No Phil, I'm your friend. " Louise said as she picked up another piece.

There was definitely some energy in here, and she had an idea who put it there.

"I'm over here, you can go home Louise."

If it were some other day she would've refused but she had matters to attend to.

"Alright! See you! " Louise waved and exited quickly. As she walled down the stairs she saw a figure standing in front of the exit.

"Hello PJ. " She greeted him. PJ just exhaled, he looked really tired.

"I have something to tell you. " He said back not even greeting her. Rude.

"Not even a 'hello'? You need to learn better manners. " She said smiling.

PJ looked up troubled. The flocks of birds flew over them and he just seemed tired of the world.

"This is serious Louise. " He said back instead.

"I have some concerning and serious news too. " Louise admitted.

They both looked at each other.

"It's about Phil. " they said at the same time, both chuckling afterwards.

Phil was always a magnet for trouble. Gazing at Louise PJ clung his head in concern.

"Alright so this is bad, and it's all my fault. But I had to do it and I swear I would've avoided it if I could've-" PJ spoke quickly.

"Cut to the point. "

Sighing PJ looked at her defeated making her wonder what could be so bad.

"I saw Phil and had to delete his memories again. " He spat out so carelessly making the facts tumble to the floor and echo through Louise's mind.

"YOU DID WHAT? " The moment she exclaimed loudly she covered her mouth in alarm. PJ just stood there looking sheepish and scared.

"You know what this can cause PJ, don't you." She whispered back after a moment. He nodded.

"Yeah I do. But look, the good thing is that until no one does magic in front of him it'll be fine!" He assured making it seem all fine. Louise sighed knowing this wasn't quite true.

"This is where my bad news jump in. " She said shamefully. She wished it weren't true , this is after all creating more trouble for her and PJ.

"What is it?" He asked distressed again. "Did you loose the control of your magic? You won't be able to be around him anymore if that's the case Louise. " He scolded even though this situation was partly his fault too.

"I wish, this is even worse. "

PJ just rose his eyebrows in confusion.

"How so? " He asked.

Looking at him Louise sighed feeling like things weren't going to be peaceful anymore.

"Phil's new roommate, Dan, has suppressed powers and they're going wild and are controlled by his unstable emotions." She watched as PJ gaped in disbelief at her.

"And the worst thing is that he's got this energy inside him that I can't recognise."

Things definitely weren't peaceful.

Chapter Text

I was confused, more like unsure of what was happening. I wasn't sure what was happening in my own mind. Everything was mixing with everything else, and a few times I had thought I was dreaming. Actually I still wasn't sure if I was awake or not. Everything was just so blurry, confusing. I wasn't sure if I was making sense to myself.

"Phil! Come back this instant!"

Slow choking sounds invade my mind.

"It is all going to be fine.. shhh ."

His face was furious, I whimpered in fear. How was I going to escape this? 

"PJ!? PJ! What is going on?" I asked
scared.

I gripped my head in fear. Each image played in my mind, each one more confusing after another. Was I, Philip Lester, going crazy?

PJ smiled sadly. "Aye look here Phil, I hate  doing this but I have to.."

"Louise? Where is PJ?"

I looked at the guy, his hair brown, curly almost. His eyes a sweet green. He smiled at me. He was very familiar.

"Who are you?"

The guy's eyes went sad immediately, his entire expression full of disbelief.
" They- "

Someone knocked on my door, and in the process, knocked the thoughts out of my head. What was the guy going to say? Was it important? Why was he so familiar?

"Hi. " The quiet and small voice said and I snapped my head up without  a thought. That was Dan! His voice was so cute! Reminded me of the first day we met-WAIT DAN?

"Dan? " I ask in disbelief, looking at the doors in wonder. Not like he could see it but still.... Maybe I really was going crazy.

Dan actually got out of his room while I am here and knocked on my door. Was he finally trying to befriend me?

"Um, ye. I was wo-wondering if y-you want-wantedd maybe to-to eat breakfast with m-me? "  Dan's voice stuttered and he seemed to be fumbling with his words. I on the other hand couldn't believe my ears, but I wasn't going to pass this up.

"Yes! Of course, um, I'll be there in a minute! " I practically yelled while sounding like I had just won the lottery. Trying to forget my past thoughts I opened the door to find beautiful Dan Howell standing there like a lost puppy.

I flashed him a quick smile and whatever fear and worry had been on his face was gone now.

And whatever fear or worry had been in my head was gone now too, even though I felt it circling my mind ready to strike. I had no time to worry about my stupid fantasies or dreams.

Chapter Text

I wasn't sure why I had asked Phil in the first place, well I did but I didn't know why I had gone through with it. Nothing good could come out of this, out of me. I knew I was already confusing with my actions, I kept jumping from moods and personalities since I wasn't sure how to act.

For one week I hadn't even answered his calls or anything. I literally ignored him hardcore and I knew it confused him! Because a week before that I was just shy and a bit unresponsive, and I knew I was probably confusing him even more now.

Phil watched me as I carefully poured us both tea. I could feel his stare. I offered him the cup and he happily accepted it. I smiled weakly and sipped on the tea slowly.

Awkward silence took over as we both drank and every few minutes, just to top it off, made weird eye contact.

What am I supposed to do in this social situation?

I wondered.

Just give up! Give up, give up, give up...

The voice kept chanting but I ignored it deciding to take matters into my own hands. I should've just ignored the voice in the first place.

"So Phil, do-do you l-like a-a-anime? " I stuttered so badly and cringed on the inside. Maybe giving up had been a good idea. I looked down at my tea peculiarly trying to dismiss my own anxiety which was building up quickly. I hoped I wouldn't start shaking.

"I love anime! What's your favorite? I love this one called parasite! " Phil rather joyous and hopeful; as if he actually wanted to get to know me.   Looking up at him I saw his wide pretty smile and his beautiful blue eyes light up. I blushed and looked away again.

"I-I like, like Death No-note... " I mumbled and hoped Phil could actually understand me because my voice was rather awful.

Agreed.

The voice whispered and I squirmed in my seat hoping for it to go away.

"Oh! I heard that it's great! I haven't watched it yet but I was planing in doing so next weekend..." He down casted his eyes in thought and I was again mesmerized by them. "We should watch it together! "  My eyes widened at his proposition and I felt my face go bright red. I was sure I looked like an emo tomato by now.

"Y-y-yeah.." I stuttered so badly since it was really hard to concentrate with my flustered thoughts. I was pretty sure I was developing a crush on Phil.

The conversation continued and I found myself enjoying his company more then I expected. Phil seemed to talk to me like I wasn't a freak, like I wasn't disgusting. It felt nice.

I didn't notice a small cute smile plastered onto my face, but Phil did. 

_--------____-------______-----

On the outskirts of London Louise paced worriedly. She was at an abandoned construction site and she was waiting quite impatiently.

She wasn't sure how she was going to put this into words. How was she supposed to explain this to him? She really wanted PJ here, seeing as this was  mostly his fault, but it was her duty to report.

She could do this, she  was just going to explain, warn about the danger and then reassure him that PJ and she had it under control. The last thing Louise wanted was for him to send an extra that would just get in the way.

While she paced she didn't notice a  blond man with an unkept beard  appearing out of thin air and standing carelessly next to a drill. Which he was leaning on and looked quite comfortable.

"So Louise! I hear you've got news?" The man seemed to be smiling but yet disinterested. It looked like he was smiling at his own thoughts, lost in his own small world.

Louise gulped.

"Well? " He repeated this time more seriously probably picking up on Louise's nervous nature.

"Uh, so Phil has had his memory wiped again by PJ, about PJ and well I know it would all be fine if no one did magic around him..." She left the sentence hanging after spilling all those beans and she wasn't sure if he would be upset. But he just raised his eyebrow impatiently.

"I'm expecting some sort of 'but'? " He sat down on  a brick crossing his legs.
Louise decided that there was no holding back now.

"But, his new roommate has uncontrolled magic, and when I say uncontrolled I mean the boy's emotions are wild, mixed, unstable and Phil is with him every day. I know the magic has started to act up. "

He stared at her baffled.  His eyes were wide open and his mouth agape. This was very dangerous, all of them knew the consequences. They had to vet rid of this problem and fast.

"But we've got it under control!" Louise was quick to defend before he even spoke. He shook his head sadly.

"I'm sorry Louise, but you have not got it 'under control' as you say. " He air quoted to emphasize his point, there was no arguing now. "You will be sent an extra. No arguing, the guy is more then qualified. "

Louise sighed knowing there was no protesting to the Leader. She understood, but that didn't mean she liked it.

"Goodbye Louise! The guy is arriving tomorrow, treat him nice!" As he turned around with a snap of his fingers he disappeared. Louise stood in silence.

"Goodbye Felix." 

Chapter Text

The breakfast had been awkward, to say the least. But it it had taken a nice friendly turn once Dan had become more comfortable. I could see he was struggling with every word he said, every action he took and every glance he stole.

I really liked Dan. Even though he had been rather confusing for the last month,  seeing this final and true version of him was very likeable. He was extremely nerdy, funny, cute, kinda dirty minded, not much of a filter on swearing and he was really interesting. The way he could explain some things was wonderful and immediately mesmerising. Not mention the cute smile he had.

As I retreated to my room a wide happy smile was etched onto my face. I was feeling a little dizzy, but I had had a rather busy night. I had been working on the files for work, as boring as they were they had to be done.

I held my head with my right arm and grimaced at the growing pain. Maybe I should go back to sleep, and not stay up too late next time.

"Oof." I let out as I threw myself on my bed, the headache was growing stronger. Should I call Dan to get me some pills? But we have only forged this friendship, I font want to bother him...

"Hello, I'm PJ. Are you new here?"

"Oh yeah! Could you help me?"

The guy smiled at me, his green
eyes looked friendly.

I clutched my head again. The pain was strong and I could barely move from the fear of it.

Louise looked at me sadly,
I didn't understand.

"I'm sorry Phil..."

Why was she sorry?

"PJ, he is gone..."

I looked at her confused.

The scene had a sad vibe to it, I couldn't explain it. It was like mixed clips were replaying themselves in my mind. I could feel the raw emotions.

Another one started playing, this time happier.

I was in the library writing notes.

"Hey Philly!"

I looked up, it was PJ.
I smiled at him.

"Hey."

He pouted and landed
on the chair next to me.
"Cheer up! We're going
to this party with Louise!"

I rolled my eyes at him.

Who was this guy? Whenever the name was said in my mind I would forget it immediately. I kept trying to reach it, but I couldn't. Was I mad?

A familiar memory started playing again.

I looked at the guy, his hair brown,
Curly almost. His eyes a sweet green.
He smiled at me. He looked familiar.

"Who are you?

The guy's eyes went sad immediately,
his entire expression full of disbelief.
" They would dare- "

The sentence was cut off suddenly by someone grabbing me quickly. I was still in pain and was a bit annoyed at whoever stopped the sentence. I was so close to hearing the entire thing.

"P-phil? Ar-are you o-okay?" It was Dan, he sounded panicky. I coughed, everything hurt so bad. Should Dan call an ambulance? I was sure a few headache pills could stop this.

"He-head-" I kept trying to talk but it just hurt too much.

"Head-ac-ache?" Dan tried guessing, I drunkenly nodded but regretted it immediately after. My neck hurt now.

"P-p-pill-pills..." I wasn't sure if Dan could understand anything, I hoped he could. I could barely see now. The world was now just a few blurry lines.
I fell unconscious.

Chapter Text

Once I had returned to my room I was happy. I was really happy. I knew it wouldn't last forever , this happiness, but at this moment it felt beautiful.

Was this why people liked living? Did they strive for feelings like these even if they knew they were going to die one day? Were these feelings too good to pass, too good and they wanted to experience as much of it before they were gone?

It made sense, but I still contemplated if it was worth it. If no one's going to remember what you achieved, why would you try and do it?

I sighed, an existential crisis was not what I needed right now. Though it made me a bit happy I had come to this realisation.

I remembered the scars on my hands and for the first time in forever a different voice entered my head.

It wasn't croaky, arrogant and mean sounding like 'The voice', it was relaxing.

If you say no one will remember what you do when you're gone, why hurt yourself?

With a dumbfounded look, I thought about it.

It was true, why did I do it? Was it because it was addicting? Because I thought I was wasting time and hurting myself would avert me from real life? If I just continue harming myself nothing in the past will change, everything will stay the same.

See? You may hate yourself, but why hurt yourself?

I bit my lip, I didn't know what to think about this new voice. It was nicer, encouraging and made me feel better.

Huh! What a bag of bollocks! He deserves it, that's why. Because it is all his fault, what happened to them!

I immediately wrapped my hands around me, I was scared. Two voices in my head were bickering, practically ignoring me in my own mind.

Don't be rude! Dan is nice!

Oh blah! Blah! Blah! Your bullshit is all I hear! He deserves this-

No one deserves something so awful! Don't speak blasphemy!

I don't care what you think  I-

What was happening? I noticed the cup on my bedside table rattling unnaturally. Looking on the side the books on the floor were spinning the pages themselves. I was horrified.

I was a monster! I was doing this, there was no better explanation!

The voices were still bickering and I could hear ringing in my ears. If this was me, doing all of this. I should be able to control it. I should. Why was I so useless?

Suddenly I heard muffled, and barely audible, groans coming from the other room. It sounded painful and I soon realised it was Phil.

My eyes widened in alarm and I sat up quickly. Some books fell off the shelves but other then that everything stopped. The voices also much quieter in my head then before.

Should I check on Phil? Of course I should check on Phil! What was wrong with me?

I sprinted a bit to his room clumsily, when I was in front of his doors there was no time to knock because I was too concerned.

As I entered I contemplated calling the ambulance, Phil literally looked like a mess.

He was gripping his head in pain and the sheets around him were ruffled. He didn't seem too aware of his surroundings but I was sure he was aware of whatever pain he was experiencing.

Without much hesitation I was enveloping him in support. He looked at me skittishly but didn't seem quite keen on having his eyes open much. I had no idea what was happening to him. He coughed in pain and I panicked, started stuttering.

"P-Phil? Ar-are you o-okay?  " 

Phil coughs violently and it doesn't sound pretty. My mind immediately goes to analyzing to what is the source of his pain. That had to be important, I was no doctor but surely it had to be. Phil keeps looking around painfully and I see his mouth open and I hope he tells me something.

"He-head-" 

It was painful to watch him attempt talking, I reached for the phone on the bedside table.

"Head-ac-ache? " 

I try guessing hoping I was right, Phil shouldn't talk while in this state. Phil nods drunkenly and I feel as if some comfort had fallen onto me.

"P-p-pill-pills..." 

I look at him in panic as he faints literally in my arms. I finally type in the number for the ambulance.

"Amb-ambulance? I- I have got an emergency... "

Chapter Text

The white ceiling above me was empty of any sorts of wanderings, it was plain, boring, made me feel useless. I wondered why they didn't put livelier colors in ceilings to cheer up the patients. I was no doctor of course, just giving my personal peace of mind, to myself.

My body was at peace though, it was relaxed and still. I felt no pain like the one I did back in my room. I didn't know what was wrong with me, was I having some kind of PTSD? Even though though that would be impossible seeing as none of those 'visions' were anything I knew or remembered so I doubted it.

 Soft green eyes looked at me.

"It is all- "

For a moment I feared the overwhelming sea of 'visions' would appear again but I was surprised only that short clip of sorts kept replaying itself. It was like a glitch, a really annoying repetitive glitch. It didn't hurt either, it just annoyed me me, like someone pinching you constantly.

Soft green eyes looked at me.

"It is all- "

It still bothered me that I had no idea what this was, these 'visions', these things. It happened the first time a year ago, but it had only been mild and not painful at all. I had brushed it off as me being tired and really should stop drinking that much coffee. It happen since then until that I came back home to find Dan and a shattered plant, right after those events I started feeling dizzy. Then the 'visions' started, they weren't painful and I fainted right after.

Now it had happened again, after the breakfest with Dan finished I didn't just feel dizzy. I felt as if I was having the worst headache of my life, every muscle in my body hurt and I could barely see or talk.

Soft green eyes looked at me.

"It is all- "

Should I tell someone? Or should I just try and enjoy life until this gets too much and I get dragged to a mental hospital. Either way I'll get dragged there, but should it be sooner or later? It was hard to think with the glitch inside my mind.

Soft green eyes looked at me.

"It is all- "

Where was Dan though, he was the one that had called an ambulance. Had he stayed? I liked him, he was funny and cute even though he stuttered all the time. But that only made me want to hug him even more. I have known him for him for 2 months now, and I knew him pretty well. Everything from his little habits to favorite food and games, least favorite shows and some pet peeves.

Soft green eyes looked at me.

"It is all- "

What I didn't know about him was him past, his family, and it sounded really shady saying that. He just never talked about it, not like he talked much, but he outright refused to even utter anything about his past. I was too curious for my own good.

My eyes hot up in  alarm as someone knocked on the doors of my hospital room.

"Mr. Lester? There is someone here to see you."

It was a womanly voice, soft, most probably a nurse. I wondered who had come to visit me.

"Be careful, he might not have recovered fully yet. "

I heard the nurse whisper, not quietly enough, to whoever had decided to visit me. She really needed to to learn to be more discreet.

"Y-Yeah. " 

I made a surprised sound at the voice, it was Dan! He had actually stayed? Or was he here to tell me how he didn't want to live in the apartment with me anymore. It seemed possible, but was it plausible?

He walked in, more like stumbled, and I felt my heart skip a beat. He was so adorable looking. Was I blushing? Must be whatever they were giving me.

"Hi-hi, Dan. "

"Um, hi-hi, um, P-Phil. Yeah, um, Phil. Yeah. "

Well that was awkward. 

"How are you? "

I figured I'd say something, this was a bit too awkward for me to handle.

Soft green eyes looked at me.

"It is all- "

The glitch was still annoying me but I tried not to indicate in any way that I was annoyed a.k.a. getting spammed by my own personal thoughts or glitches. This day really wasn't going for me.

"I-, I shou-should be asking yo-you that-t. "

Dan was completely flustered and a mess, had he not slept? He looked like he had been staying awake for some time, not healthy at all. 

"I feel as good as new Dan, I'm okay, I promise. "

He looked at me.

"Di-did you ju-just refr-reference my chemi-chemical ro-romance? "

I chuckled because that was exactly what I did. Dan was rather cute when he stuttered, but not knowing what had forced him to stutter so badly was worrying. He was so closed in and shy, moving away from hugs most of the time. It was as he feared human contact, which is why this worried me. 

"Yeah, I did. "

The conversation continued and I found myself relaxing, the glitch continued playing but I tried ignoring it for the most part. Dan's presence alone was nice, calming. I found myself smiling brightly soon too and that smile seemed to reflect on Dan. His cute dimples made me blush.

As Dan kept talking to me the glitch in my mind started fading, Dan himself was getting more relaxed, like this talk was helping him ease some kind of pain too.

I didn't know when I fell asleep but I know I did fall asleep with Dan stuttering a story with much enthusiasm. When I woke up he was gone, the doctors had shooed him out. Others visited too, Louise too, she seemed very agitated.

"Are you okay Louise?"

She looked at me and smiled quickly, immediately dismissing the annoyed expression on her face.

"Nothing to worry about Phil, just stress of being a single mom, nothing else. "

I felt bad for her but couldn't quite comprehend what she said at the end, I fell asleep again.

This happened a few more times, the doctor said my brain was getting tired quickly making me fall asleep suddenly. He assured it was nothing serious, it would all pass after a few more days in the hospital and some pills. I didn't tell them about the visions I was having from the fear of them announcing me insane.

It got hard to remember who visited when, sometimes I wasn't even sure who was with me. But one visitor in particular just wasn't recognisable by anything.

"Who are you? "

They kept their back to me and I wondered if it was a nurse.

"It depends "

They turned around and everything was blurry, yet I still saw they were entirely pitch black, like a blurry smoke. But it had to be a person if they were talking.

"What?"

They chuckled.

"Are you willing to discover or not? "

I couldn't concentrate anymore, this time it really was late. I needed to sleep. Looking at the clock I wondered who visited at midnight? My pondering would have to continue when I woke up, the closure of sleep enveloped me again.

When I woke up I felt as good as new, my vision was pretty good (with glasses) my body was ready for a TV marathon and I myself mentally was pretty alright.

The doctor happily informed me of my good condition, but I had a question about last nights visitor.

"Who visited yesterday at midnight?"

The doctor looked at me baffled, I looked at him confused.

"Mr. Lester, there was no visitors yesterday at all! You must've been very tired. "

I nodded comically, knowing someone, something, was there last night. Maybe I was starting to hallucinate, who knew, insanity was never something you got a manual for yourself.

I smiled pretending that everything was okay, but on the inside i was worn out. These visions, hallucinations, they were all creating a sinking feeling inside me. They created the knowledge that i was clearly insane, but at least I knew it.

All I had to do now was hide it from everyone.

Chapter Text

Louise was quite upset and in her current state she wasn't sure how to deal with what had happened. She was sure she knew what happened but how to deal with it was an entirely other thing.

Phil had a conscious and the doctors assumed it was because he hit his head against something while having a strong headache. She had no idea how the doctors assumed everything so quickly and without even questioning Dan much, but really it was for the better. All she had to do right now was talk to PJ and they together were going to figure this out. With that extra.

She groaned out loud again, she was so annoyed. Why did an extra have to come along? She loved meeting new people and making friends but she didn't like people interfering with her work. 

As she took a turn to another hallway she immediately found the room where PJ and she decided to meet. It was emblemed with a magical sign that only magicals could see, but she quickly noticed the magic trail didn't resemble PJ's at all. It was more vigorous and sharp, as if the person who made it were witty and a bit weird. PJ's were always a bit rounded and adventurous, so who had made this?

The extra!  

Louise felt herself getting annoyed gain but calmed, there was really no time to get angry now. What was done was done and she had to deal with it like an adult. Put an end to her little hissy fit.

She neared the door but still hesitantly opened it, she didn't trust this 'extra' at all, let alone with PJ. PJ was practically like her child as weird as it was to say so.

"Have you ever tried licking your butt? "

Louise stood shocked in the doorway as she witnessed the extra laying on the table asking PJ the weirdest question she had ever heard in her life (That hadn't been asked by Phil) and PJ all flustered standing there awkwardly and looking confused as to what he should say. So when both of them heard her enter PJ immediately looked relieved that he wasn't alone.

As she set her eyes on the other guy he quickly scrambled off of the table awkwardly and smiled her way. He had brown hair and from how much she could see darker shade of eyes, most probably hazel. He had a bit of a stubble and she would say he was around 190 cm tall (Either way definitely taller than PJ).

"Name's Chris, Kendall, Chris Kendall. " He chuckled and she immediately detected a northern accent somehow similar to Phil's. "Huh, that's not how I was supposed to do the James Bond introduction. " He chuckled a bit more and Louise had no idea how to react.

She had expected some stuck-up 40 year old guy with military sort of standards that brags about how well he could perform each spell. But this guy was anything but that. He was witty, humorous and from what he was showing, quite random and weird. He reminded her to an extent of Phil, except he didn't have that sort of uniqueness that Phil had; he had his own weird uniqueness.

"Anyways, onto work, yes. " He quickly straightened his clothes which had been ruffled because he had been laying around tables. "How much do you know? All of it, I need as much information as you can give me. " He sat down on a chair and Louise thought that all he was missing was a cat to stroke.

"Um, exactly what should we tell you? "

PJ, still flustered, asked nervously. Louise was confused as to why he was being so awkward in front of Chris, he was usually calm around new people. 

"Everything you know about Dan, his back story, personality, which level of magic is he, power, as I said; everything. "

That was the moment that Louise realised that this man was more than qualified, brilliant even. He didn't even look the part, he was an undiscovered genius. He analyzed everything, had rational debates, and brilliant humor. Of course she and PJ currently had no idea what they were doing  and the realization hit her at that moment. They took all of their steps by their emotions, running around confused and randomly trying to stop the trouble. PJ sighed.

"Nothing actually. "

Louise face palmed and so did Chris. They all looked at each other and at that moment they all knew they had a lot of work to do.

"Well this is going to be fun. "

---

I sat in the waiting rooms nervously. To be honest I was always nervous in public places, that was why I stayed in the apartment pretty much all the time. Phil never minded much but it was obvious he wanted to go out sometimes to hang out.

You stupid creature! He deserves it !

Don't talk like that, insolent swine!

Beings like you disgust me

You are the one that is vile and degrading 

I started twitching slightly, the voices inside my head were so loud I could hear the ringing in my ears becoming violent. I tried looking as normal as I could, no need to look like I was mad.

I looked around to see people talking over happily, sadly or nervously, but all of them looking human and normal. I looked horrible, I sounded horrible, I was horrible, and I was a monster.

He admits it! He admits it!

The croaky voice snickered.

Dan don't think like that, you're much better!

Let's just say that the voices were arguing again and I wondered how I wasn't collapsing yet.

Shut up, shut up, shut up

I suddenly flinched when a guy sat next me out of nowhere and immediately turned to me. His brown hair flopped on the side.

Oh no, socializing

The guy's smile was cheery and I wasn't sure if it was fake or not; all I knew was that I really wasn't up for a talk right now. Should I fake fainting? The nurses would believe me, I already feel horrible enough to faint anyways.

"So who are you waiting for so shaken up? "

The toothy grin was blinding me. 

"A-a-a-a frien-friend. "

I cringed at my own stuttering and looked away, this was so embarrassing.

"What happened to your friend? "

I still refused to look and him and my throat was suddenly clogged. I shrugged with my shoulders weakly. The echo of the voices became apparent in my mind again and I desperately tried shutting them out.

"Well I've got to say it must've been horrible if you're so shaken up about it. "

I shrugged again while he continued talking; my hearing was failing me and the space in front of me was becoming blurry and unclear. I felt my muscles starting to shake and I suddenly got up in a frenzy. 

"Go-gotta go-go. "

My words were slurred and I didn't care if the stranger understood me or not. My only goal now was to escape in some toilet and calm down. 

I surprisingly ran and was quick to enter an empty toilet. My breathing was erratic and desperate. I slid to the floor and at that moment everything became sharp, clear, a bit too clear. I could see almost every detail and smallest of scratch marks. I focused on the space around me and I saw human outlines on the other side of the bathroom.

That shouldn't be possible, there was a door in front of me! But I was seeing through the door, but how? What kind of monster was I?

I couldn't take it anymore so I closed my eyes and covered them with my hands. I don't know how long I spent my time there not looking at anything but when I finally got out it was dark.

---

"It's no use!"

Chris exclaimed loudly as he entered the room, Louise looked at him intrigued. Chris sat down next to PJ who immediately blushed bright red.

"This Dan barely speaks and when he does it's like he's a broken recorder! "

No one dared to speak s Chris uselessly sat on the chair quite annoyed.

"What happened to the boy? What has he gone through? He's an enigma and a problem that is wrapped in a riddle and we need an answer quickly. "

The breathed out to calm himself and straightened his shirt once again. He looked at Louise and PJ with a determined face.

"Go find any background on Daniel James Howell, anything. Just so we have a lead. "

They both nodded. This was complicated.

Chapter Text

As I stared at the ceiling all over again I wondered how I hadn't fallen asleep yet. Exhausting rooms with dreaded decor and lifeless tension were always a mood killer. Everyone would get bored to death by something like that. I usually had trouble falling asleep, which made me wonder if that was why I had weird visions, sleepless nights were not amongst a rarity.

The thing was that I stayed awake because I usually had too much energy, I just couldn't calm my brain, but now I was dead tired. I was so tired, my eyelids were heavy weight on my eyes, but despite that and my internal boredom I couldn't fall asleep. I wasn't sure if I should call the doctor, as him for some sleeping pills, or just stay here and hope for sleep.

The longer I laid there the longer I got the urge to just get up and do something.

Was it much to ask for? Just a small walk, no harm done. Maybe it would tire me out enough so I could fall asleep. Though, I really shouldn’t.

“Don’t be ridiculous! You did great Phil! “

I flinched violently. As I looked around the ambulance room my eyes didn’t process any figure which could’ve said something like that. There was no doctor or nurse around and I neither could see Dan, Louise or any of people I knew. I would have ignored it (who knew how many Phils there was in this hospital, it was a common name) if it weren’t for the fact that the voice was dead on familiar. I felt as if I had heard that for years, like I was familiar with all the little quirks it had, all little sounds and huffs, but from where? From who? I didn’t know the person whose voice that was, but it was like a did know them.

“Next time, you’ll do even better! “

It was painfully familiar and without hesitation I rose from my bed. My moves were without a thought of what I was doing was dangerous. I was completely determined and I guess you could say my judgment was glossed and unclear, but my mind was clear of the visions so it was my stubbornness blocking my views on rationality. My legs were wobbly and a bit unstable from laying in bed for too long. I managed to quietly come to my hospital room door and peer through it thoughtfully.

“Hell- “

Something clogged in my throat as a figure of an extremely familiar-looking man stood before me. He didn’t seem to be aware of me, as if I was watching him as a character on a show. What terrified me more was the fact that he was transparent and lightly dimmed with light. If anything, the man seemed like a ghost.

Ghosts didn’t exist of course, there was only one explanation to this, I was not only having ‘visions’, I was also starting to hallucinate. I self-deprecatingly huffed a laugh under my breath. This was just perfect, I was mental, insane. I, the cheerful saint-like Lester was going insane by phantasms and visions. Everyone always praised me for being bright and innocent, but it turns out I’m n nothing but insane and tainted by whatever was happening in my head.

“Don’t fret Phil! You’ll get through! “

My heart almost stopped by the transparent man that re-animated himself and was speaking again. His voice was so clear wondered how I could be imagining this, but I was. I just had to ignore it, throw a blind eye, the last thing I wanted was everybody knowing I was dead on cokoo and crazy.

The man moved away from and started walking (as much as an illusion could walk at least) and my sudden urge to follow it took over. Later I would wonder why I had followed him but once again I was almost like under a trance.

“College applications are hard, I know, but if anyone can do it it’s you. “

He spoke again and I got a sudden feel of nostalgia, like something was pulling me in a whirl wind of old memories and I was weak to its attempts. I didn’t understand my own emotions and I doubted anyone would be able to, they were indescribable.

The guy turned around suddenly and smiled at me, or whatever was in front of him, whilst taking a step closer reaching out his hand. I took a step back and he put his hand on thin air, but it suspiciously looked like he was putting it on another person’s shoulder. His hair was moderately light but not too light so guessed he could have brown hair, a bit curled up on the ends.

“Ask Louise, she’ll tell you the same. “

My eyes widened comically, Louise? Who was this person I was imagining, why was he mentioning Louise?

The guy suddenly turned his head straight towards me and this time it felt like he was looking at me, not through me, and his face was no longer comforting but threatening. It twisted weirdly, his eyes became black and as chilly rose through my spine the figure blackened. I was could barely see it in the pitch-black halls of the hospital but the moonlight illuminated the figure well.

“Tick tock, goes the clock, click tock goes the key. Fate is locking rather quickly, catch up on your time before the deed Phil Lester. “

The charcoal figure vanished into the air like leaves getting blown away by the wind. My body entirely was frozen in fear, I wasn’t sure if I was breathing or not, if I was blinking, but my thought process was too quick for me to follow. It was jumbled, my memories were getting mixed together in a huge pot.

Another wave of fear washed over me, paranoia told me that the painful visions could be coming back and I really didn’t need to have doctors signing me into a mental hospital. So, in conclusion my body decided running for dear life back to my room was the only solution. I wasn’t a good runner so I almost tripped a few times, my breathing became erratic rapidly. I quickly concluded my muscles were too weak from a week of resting and as such weren’t a good reliable part of the body. My proneness to accidents made me extra careful to make sure I don’t crash in to some thing or someone. I had to admit I was rather close to hitting walls a few times but I managed to evade them without much complications.

The moment I saw the doors to my room I smiled in relief. It was the perfect escape to whatever that had been, my body was tired and my mind was feeling the pressure of on-coming visions. It was squashing the current thought process and as I took the door knob I felt my legs giving up from all the stress I had put on them.

I stumbled to my bed and fell on it, all my body weight hit the bed and I quickly covered myself with the blanket.

Suddenly my vision faded and I fell unconscious somewhere around 4 a.m., and when the doctors asked me in the morning why I was so tired I shrugged and mumbled:

“I just couldn’t sleep well. “

Chapter Text

Lack of sleep was something I had gotten used to quickly, the sleep deprivation had started around the time she happened, maybe before, it was all a bit of a blurr. I was unsure if my current decisions were any better than they were before, my judgement of character had always been quite false. I had figured out over my years of life I had too much faith in others, that is, used to. Now? My faith in others had become non-existent, I didn’t believe anyone could care about me, to an extent. I had had my bitter-sweet taste of life, it left traces of bitter after taste. I knew very well how everyone ended and acted around me, I knew.

That’s why it was reasonable why I was hesitant about Phil, he had to be like everyone else. He was so sweet, there was just no way he could care about me.

I sighed deeply and took in the air of darkened city streets. My steps were faintly audible, rhythmic, and my frame was twisted into one of lost mindedness. Scarce light bestowed me from the lamps, my shadow reflecting my gloomy walk.

Some feeling told me that trusting Phil was alright, the voices on the other hand were still bickering about it amongst other things.

Fucking annoying

You can’t just speak like that!

I can say whatever I want,

I disagree-

All the conversations went along those lines, the voices pissed each other off constantly. I had learned to block most of the arguments, of course it wasn’t that easy. My ears would have irritating ringing at random times of the day, my hearing would weaken from time to time and headaches weren’t amongst a rarity either. 

My current situation was more problematic of course, these powers were something I didn’t know anything about. A monster or not I should know how to control them. I should be able to use them without my emotions accidentally controlling them.

I stood determinedly in middle of a random park, it was completely deserted. I could practice, get it under control, no one must be hurt (except me). I stared at a damp wooden log which laid on the concrete floor unsurprisingly still, I just had to make it move. I concentrated fully on the task at hand, I wasn’t sure what I was doing, I extended my hand towards the log and squinted my eyes. My brain work was fully demanding for the log to move, but alas it stayed naturally unmoving and untouched. I tried it in different frustrating and tiring poses and as I was sitting and glaring at the log more than anything a voice interrupted.

“With the way you’re going you won’t have anything done anytime ever. “

It was a northern accent, easily detectable, and I turned around surprised to see a guy standing casually next to a shadowed tree.

My interest peaked, what did he mean by that? Could he do this too? Was he like me, and who was he even. I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion and as the guy took a step forwards I immediately got up, I was understandably suspicious and defensive. A strange man talking to you in the dark park of London whilst you were trying magic is a bit strange, more so to be honest. I didn’t trust him, or anyone, not after her. The guy noticed my sudden withdrawal and shook his head whilst chuckling.

“Believe it or not Dan, I’m not here to hurt you. “

I tensed at the voice, I heard it somewhere before.

“I am here to help you, with your situation. “

It clicked quickly.

“You’re th-the m-man fro-from the hos-hospital-l. “

The man stood in the way of the lights and my vague guess was shown correct. His brown hair laid on top of his head messily, the slight stubble was unequal in few spots but his smile was blindingly clear.

“Ah, yes, you remember. Well I must say, for a person in your situation… “He trailed throwing a meaningful look at the now abandoned log. “You’ve got exceptional memory. “He neared me, I at once got scared and took a step back quicker then I was able to.

This resulted in me tripping backwards over the log I had been previously practising on. My leg twisted slightly and I tripped over the edge next to the pond. I made peace with the fact I was about to fall in a cold pond and closed my eyes expecting cold splashes of the water. Only it never it quite happened.

I opened my eyes slightly, squinting warily, and I caught the sight of the man standing in front of me with and amused face. His hand was extended towards me, but it wasn’t touching me. I looked down at myself and my eyes grew comically as I saw lightly dimmed ghostly whip around my torso. It was holding me tightly as I flew in the air.

I looked back at the guy who was now smiling brightly again.

“As I said Dan, we have a lot of things to talk about. I’m Chris by the way, please fret no more pal. “

I only chuckled nervously as I stared at him amazed.

Chapter Text

I sat in the living room with my family, their smily faces adorned their expressions and nothing but happines surrounded them. My family was very happy with my 'quick recovery' and had been excited to visit me as soon as they could. They had all gotten the doctors explenation, how I had a severe case of headaches and some other sickness I hadn't quite gotten the name of, but I didnt care. I knew there was something deeper, more wrong, than whatever he was speking of. I wasn't sure what exactly was wrong, but these hallucinations and visions, they had to be the proof of something. Not just that, there was this cold feeling inside me, like something was trying to take me down in shambles from the inside.

The idea of telling someone was way out of my mind, there was no chance I will tell anyone. Of course, this resulted in me smiling constantly. It was all so fake I wondered where the cheery Phil I was once went. How had this unfortunate event flipped my personality from 'Hi! I'm Phil! Would you like some help?' and a cheery smile combined to 'Hi, I'm Phil, yeah.' and an unenthusiastic stare. I was like two totally different people, yet that person was still me.

My mother passed me a small wrapped present with the same tag Glad you're back to health! – Your AMAZING auntie. I opened the package and unsurprisingly there was a handmade bobble hat in my hand. I wanted to smile genuinely at her arduous work like I usually did, but something inside me was coldly sliding off the smile. I faked an affectionate smile instead and put on the bobble hat.

"Tell auntie I love it. "

Mom nodded happily and turned to pursue another conversation with grandma who also as enthusiastically obliged and continued it. Since I had dropped the centre of their attention I finally relaxed and tried ignoring them. I fiddled with a video game grandpa had gotten for me, I already had this game but I wouldn't tell that to grandpa. He was already nice enough and went out to search for something that would interest me. I just hoped they would live me alone soon, I wasn't as inclined to talk to them as I was usually.

Thankfully for me they left soon enough because of my excuse that I was 'tired and needed rest' which they accepted quickly and sweetly said their goodbye's. I still sat in the living room still in my posture, Dan was sitting on the farthest chair in the room since my family had been here and he was anything but ready to socialize. I had noticed he had been shaking a bit when all of my family was stuffed in the room, I knew he was uncomfortable with people but the closer we got I got surer he had social anxiety. This made me feel guilty for asking him to stay on the small family meetup, I hoped he hadn't been too uncomfortable.

I kept fiddling with the video game in my hand, scanning over the cover case and the art meaninglessly.

I could feel Dan's unsure gaze as he peeked at me from time to time, I felt cold. Even though the weather outside was sweaty summer time, I was freezing to impossible lengths. I stayed frozen in spot, literally, and just wished Dan would walk away so I could be left in my misery. I didn't want to drag him into this, even though a selfish side of me wanted to him to care and pamper me.

"Y-your fam-family seems n-n-nice. "

I immediately look up at him, my stare a bit vacant and unfocused, he wasn't looking at me but at the floor. He seemed sceptical. He finally looked up at me and I was too dazed too look away. For a split second his expression was nervous when it suddenly switched to concern. He looked at me and his brain seemed to do a 'click' and he all of a sudden quickly sat down close to me.

I was shocked he was getting so close all by himself, he was usually so drawn in and preserved. It was obvious he was still uncomfortable to get closer, be it anxiety or something.

"P-phil, are y-you su-sure you-you're o-o-okay? "

I drunkenly stared at him and squelched my eyes to focus them, it was getting blurry around me. I nodded and I was sure I looked anything but fine. Dan stuttered something else I didn't quite catch up on, his words were muffled like a fast river, mesmerising, but you can't quite catch up on what is happening when it drags you down.

Drags you down....

Drags you down...

"It will drag him down Louise!"

The voice screamed in my head and I opened my eyes violently, I hadn't even realized I had closed them in a daze.

I found myself in shaking hands of support, I looked up to see Dan, his face was full of concern and his hands were shaking violently but he didn't seem to be giving up any time soon.

"Um, thanks Dan. "

My voice was husky and dazed, I just nodded along to something Dan was trying to stutter again. His face was so cute, I smiled, but it wasn't fake this time. I collapsed into his arms.

"Thanks Dan... "

I murmured into his chest and lost conscious, hopefully Dan doesn't call the hospital again. I smiled.