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Evan clenched and unclenched his fists, inhaling deeply as he stood in the living room of his house, near the window enough to see outside, but not too close that someone could easily see he was waiting for something. Or, someone- Jared Kleinman, specifically. Evan was nervous, his stomach all in knots, his chest feeling too small for his lungs. He wished he could tell himself he would be fine, that everything would go great, that he had nothing to be anxious about- but even when he tried to, it was like his hyperactive thoughts weren’t capable of those words in that order.
Evan glanced at his phone for the millionth time, wanting to make sure he hadn’t mixed up the time or date or anything. He read the text from Jared over yet again-
From: Jared Kleinman - Received 8:37 pm
Yeah, I’ll be there around 3:30 tomorrow.
It’s a date then.
“You look nice, honey,” his mother, Heidi’s voice came from behind him. He turned his head to look at her- she’d just come through with a basket of laundry- and then looked down at himself. He was wearing his normal khakis, but had on a casual, rolled short-sleeved, light blue button down. Honestly, the shirt wasn’t something he would normally wear, and the main reason he’d put it on was because the laundry wasn’t finished drying when he was getting dressed. He didn’t like the fabric so much- it wasn’t really soft, and it was cool and a tad scratchy against his skin. But it was either the shirt he had on or an old graphic t-shirt, and he didn’t want to seem like he didn’t care at all, so he’d opted for the button down.
He thanked her and looked downwards. “I, um, I-I thought that you would be heading to class from work by now?” He tugged down on the shirt.
“Normally, but class is cancelled tonight,” Heidi responded, her tone soft. She smiled at her son, though she looked as tired as ever. “Are you going somewhere?” It was easy to tell she was excited that Evan might have plans, and combined with the fact that he was dressed nicer than normal-
Evan bit the inside of his cheek, praying his face wasn’t as flushed as he felt it might be. “Yeah, I’m, um, I’m-” Going on a date with Jared Kleinman ? “I’m just going to, uh, hang out with Jared is all.” He smiled back meekly.
“Oh? Are you going somewhere, or-” Heidi looked Evan up and down, raising a brow. “Like…”
“I-I just, um, forgot to bring down my laundry lately- and sorry, by the way- so I didn’t have anything to wear but this.” It was partly true, so Evan felt less bad about having been too afraid to tell her he was going on a date. Going on a date with a boy.
Heidi smiled again, eyes shifting from Evan, to the window, then back to him. “Well, if he’s your ride, I think he’s here. Have fun, okay?”
Evan turned and looked out the window to see that Jared had pulled in. “Thanks,” Evan quietly said back. “I’ll try.”
He crossed the room into the entryway, pulling on his sneakers before he opened the door and left, quickly walking towards Jared’s car. He’d started to open the door to come to the door, but noticed Evan and shut the door, grinning at him through the car window.
“Hey,” Jared greeted as Evan climbed into the passenger’s seat, fumbling with the seatbelt. His hands were already clammy, and Jared had said a whopping one word to him.
“Hey,” Evan responded breathily, shivering a little, despite the air being warm outside. He couldn’t help but pick at his thumbnail apprehensively. “H-how are you doing?”
Jared turned and looked over his shoulder as he backed out of the driveway, one hand on Evan’s seat. “Gee, two minutes in and we’re already starting with the stuttering, huh?” He grinned, but Evan shied a little more, sinking into the seat. “I’m doing okay. What about you?” He adjusted his glasses as he shifted into drive and pulled away from Evan’s house.
“Fine,” Evan managed, tapping his fingers against his leg.
Jared let out a suppressed sigh. “Fine?” Evan bit his lip, knowing Jared knew it was just his default response.
“Yeah, fine,” Evan repeated.
“Did anything good happen today?” Jared asked, looking at Evan. He flinched, though, so Jared looked back at the road.
“It was… the same old, same old, I guess,” Evan concluded, staring out his side window.
“Man, you really aren’t that great at conversation today, are you, Evan?”
“I-I’m sorry.” Evan felt something on his finger and looked downwards. He’d accidentally picked a hangnail too much and let out a tiny amount of blood.
“Evan,” Jared’s tone was suddenly softer. “C’mon, I’m just teasing you.”
Evan didn’t respond for a minute, his face heating up. He knew that Jared was joking, and that he always did that, but sometimes he just wished that he wouldn’t. “So, where is the secret location of where we’re going, anyway?” He timidly asked.
Jared cracked a smile. “You’ll see when we get there.”
The corner of Evan’s mouth went up a little, and for a few moments, they were fine sitting in a comfortable, shared silence, the background music of Jared’s spotify taking up some of the space in the car. They were nearing the edge of town, a route that was familiar to Evan, because it was the one he would always take when he would go to the woods. He smiled when Jared pulled into A la Mode- it was Evan’s favorite ice cream place. There were a lot of places in town, but A la Mode had the most and best flavors, and made all their ice cream in house, so it was a favorite among a lot of people. He didn’t go often, mostly because he didn’t like going by himself, but he could remember dozens of times his mom would take him when he was in elementary school.
“Hey, you’re cute when you actually smile.”
Evan paused from unbuckling himself, turning to look at Jared. He was grinning, his eyes lit up, and it played with Evan’s heart a little bit. No , he wanted to say back, you look cute when you’re smiling . But he instead pressed his lips into a tight smile and shyly looked down. :Th-thanks.”
“You’re stuttering is cute too, I guess,” Jared poked, stepping out of the car. Evan felt a burning in his chest, confused if the teasing or the compliments was making him the most anxious. Jared crossed over to the passenger’s side as Evan shut his door and locked the car before holding an open hand to Evan. “Can I?” Evan stared at Jared’s hand with a confused expression. “...hold your hand,” Jared tacked on, gesture not faltering.
“Oh,” Evan responded, covering his face as it flushed. You’re such an idiot, Evan , he thought. “What if someone from school is in there, or- or if there’s, like, homophobic people that yell a-at us or-”
“I don’t give a shit?” Jared interrupted Evan’s anxious ramblings. He glanced upwards. “I mean, if you don’t, that is.” He lowered his hand a bit.
Of course Evan cared. Or, maybe it was his anxiety that cared. He obviously cared about Jared, enough to have accepted a date invitation- which was a milestone in itself for him- but he also cared about Jared enough that he wouldn’t want him to be harassed in public or in school for having been on a date with a boy (and moreso for that boy being Evan Hansen). He did know that Jared was pretty open about being gay, but still. He just didn’t want to be the reason that Jared got hurt somehow. Still attempting to cover his red cheeks with one hand, he stuck the other out. “N-no, it’s okay.” Jared smiled a little, looking almost like he didn’t believe Evan, before taking his hand. “Sorry if my hands are sweaty or g-gross,” Evan mumbled under his breath, muffled.
“They aren’t,” Jared reassured him, his words laced with a breathy laugh.
They headed inside the ice cream parlor, which wasn’t busy to say it was crowded, but there were enough people that they had to get in line. Evan suddenly remembered why he hadn’t been there in a very long time- he absolutely hated talking to people he didn’t know. He tapped his foot and flexed his free hand as he read and reread the menu over and over, his mouth starting to dry up.
“Hey, are you alright?”
Evan looked to his left, Jared studying him with what might have been a look of concern. “Um, yeah, totally,” he said, smiling a not-so-reassuring smile.
“Are you, like, nervous to order or something?”
Evan sighed, “Yeah.”
“Huh.”
Evan looked back at Jared. “What?”
“Nothing, I just didn’t know that you would get nervous in places like this, too,” Jared responded bluntly. He looked back at his date. “Do you want me to say your order for you?”
“Y-yeah, please,” Evan’s voice was quiet, but relieved, and he reached into his pocket for his wallet.
“No,” Jared told him.
Evan paused, confused. “What?”
“No, I don’t want you to pay,” Jared clarified, squinting at the menu, adjusting his glasses. He gently rubbed Evan’s hand with his thumb.
Evan could feel his face heat up again, and he started to feel a little lightheaded. “W-what? I don’t… I don’t want you to pay for me.”
“It’ll be easier if you want me to just say your order,” Jared told him. “Besides, I planned on paying for you anyway, dummy.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to?” They took a step forward as the person at the front of the line finished.
“Oh.” Evan bit the inside of his cheek, the fact that he might cut it from biting so much not stopping him. “Thank you…”
Evan didn’t know how long Jared had liked him. If he was telling the truth, for a long time, Evan didn’t think Jared liked him at all. He did learn Jared was kind of naturally an asshole, but it didn’t help until they’d actually grown closer. Even then, though, Evan would have guessed Jared didn’t consider him very important, which was part of the reason Evan was so goddamn nervous in the first place.
As for Evan, he might have had a crush on Jared since the early stages of their friendship. He wasn’t really sure, partly because he used to have a huge long-time crush on Zoe Murphy, and because he hadn’t been completely sure about his sexuality- but, when he did work up the courage to confide in Jared that he was bisexual, and Jared completely accepted it… that was the very latest that Evan probably started to actually like him. Sure, Jared could be… Jared sometimes, but Evan did find himself always wanting to go back to hang out, hoping he could somehow impress him, and was usually more concerned with Jared’s opinions and thoughts than other people’s. Plus, he wasn’t going to lie that Jared was really cute.
When they got to the front of the line, Jared ordered for the both of them, Evan not bearing to even look at the cashier. Jared moved his hand from Evan’s only to pay, but a minute later they were holding hands again, each of them holding an ice cream, and as they walked out, Evan could feel relief washing over them.
Getting back to the car, Evan had a slight surge of hope that maybe they were going to the field near the forest where he loved to go, but that hope quickly died as Jared turned the opposite way he would’ve needed to if they were going there. Jared turned the car radio back on, switching it to the AUX setting, and the opening notes to a song Evan had never heard before floated through the speakers while Jared hummed along brightly. Evan was unfamiliar with the neighborhoods they drove through. Evan had finished his ice cream rather quickly, but mostly because he’d asked for the smallest size, still a little guilty that he had let Jared pay for him. Jared was making small talk- mostly asking if he knew a certain band whenever the song switched, and telling stories that a certain lyric reminded him of. Evan mostly listened, glad to be able to just listen, and glad that what he was listening to was Jared showing a more genuine side. He felt calm, silently eating his ice cream. It was moments like that where he was most content. But it wasn’t very long before they got to the opposite outskirts of town, which, like what Evan was familiar with, consisted mostly of countryside. Jared pulled over onto the shoulder of the road, grinning at Evan to silently say that they were there.
They got out of the car again, Jared going around to the back this time. Popping the trunk, he pulled out a medium-sized wicker basket and a large, messily folded blanket. “Alright, nerd, let’s go.” He chomped on the last bite of his cone before adjusting the items in his arms and holding a hand out to Evan again.
Evan took it, reaching up to fiddle with his collar. “Where are we going?” he asked, unable to hide a little anticipation as Jared led him to a path in the tree line.
“A place that, honestly, I’m surprised you don’t know about, considering…” he waved a hand dismissively. “Like, how you are about this… stuff. Plants and things.”
Evan tipped his head upwards, looking at the treetops looming above them. He hadn’t ever been to this side of town, but that was because he liked the woods he normally went. He didn’t really like to try anything new, because it was better to stay with the old knowing that you like it than to go anywhere else. That side of town was where the orchard was, and Evan loved that orchard more than anything. Well, almost. It was nice, though- these woods were quiet and not super dense- lots of trees (lots of good, climbable trees, he noted) but there was lots of room for them and other plants to grow. While it was a little dimmer under the trees, enough light filtered through that it wasn’t overly chilly or anything. He liked it.
“Hansen, don’t tell me you’re thinking about climbing one of these bitches,” Jared broke into Evan’s thoughts. Had he been talking the whole time? He looked in front of them, noticing they were nearing a clearing, separated from the woody area with a low, broken fence. “Here, hold this a second,” Jared handed the basket to Evan, who silently took the basket, watching Jared quickly hop over the fence before handing it back and easily hopping it himself.
“Are you sure we can even be here?” Evan’s voice was a little on edge.
“Yeah, no, you don’t need to worry. The fence is only there to keep animals out.” Jared pulled on Evan’s wrist, turning him in the direction he was going. Further down the opening were lines of tiny trees, varying from going to Evan’s knees to about twice his height. At the very end grew a tall oak, casting a shadowy area underneath.
Evan tilted his head slightly, smiling. “Is this-”
“A tree farm,” Jared finished for him. “I thought you might like it.”
Evan grinned, his eyes lighting up a bit as they walked down the clearing toward the oak. “That’s a-actually… really... thoughtful.” Evan was slow to get out his words.
“Aw, c’mon,” Jared elbowed Evan in the ribs. “Give me some credit, huh? I’m not a prick all the time, you know.” Evan managed to let out a breathy laugh; it felt good. He helped Jared spread out the blanket and sat, gazing off across the field. Jared unpacked the basket- sodas and waters, mini-sandwiches and fruits- though there probably was way too much, considering they’d started off with their dessert. “Now, it may not look like I put work into this, but trust me, I did,” Jared sat as he popped the tab on a soda. “You wouldn’t believe just how fucking gay I am.”
Evan laughed again, more heartfelt this time, as he unwrapped one of the sandwiches. Peanut butter and jelly- a classic, and maybe it made him a bit boring, but one of Evan’s favorites. “Oh, I’m already aware, Jared.” He took a bite and looked at him. “It’s really obvious, Jared.”
Jared raised his eyebrows, seeming almost impressed with Evan’s teasing banter. “Look at you go, Evan. Actually teasing me back for once!” He noisily took a sip from the can and grinned, adjusting his glasses. Evan smiled and shrugged, looking downwards at the blanket. It was thick, and soft, made out of a pale yellow fabric with fringe around the edges. “You’re cute.” Evan glanced up at Jared, mouth slightly open and eyebrows raised. He made a face and turned as he pressed a fist to his lips, holding down a burp.
“Oh, what a charmer,” Evan quipped, leaning back on his elbows.
“What can I say?” Jared smirked, holding his hands out in a sarcastic gesture. “I’ve been known to be one.” He leaned close to Evan, adjusting his glasses as he grinned at his date.
“R-really?” Evan said, sarcastic tone wavering slightly as he stared at Jared, jarred by the proximity.
“Uh, totally,” Jared responded, looking briefly upwards before back at Evan. “You’re blushing! You really are cute, Evan.”
Evan felt his heart pound as he tucked the wrapping of the sandwich back over the rest. “I-I…” Evan’s voice trailed off as he couldn’t grip any other words. Jared was close- close enough to kiss . And he knew that that’s what Jared was probably going to do, and he was nervous, because he liked Jared, but he didn’t know what to do- Just as Jared really started to move in, he covered his red face with his hands, falling downwards to lie on his back.
Jared laughed, kicking his legs out in front of him. “It’s okay, Evan.”
“I’m s-sorry,” Evan’s voice was high and muffled through his hands.
“Evan,” Jared laid back, his head brushing against Evan’s shoulder. “Don’t be. I’m not going to kiss you if you don’t want. That’s kind of like sexual assault, right? Which is fucked.”
Evan sighed, partly from stress, but it was also something of relief. Relief that Jared could somehow manage to put up with him so well. For a while, they just sat, a breeze gently lulling over them as the clouds passed over them slowly. They held hands, something Evan was hyper-aware of now. Jared kept doing that little thumb-rub thing for a while, which helped ease Evan into being actually relaxed. Eventually he stopped, though, and the only thing that would have made them realize the other was there was their breathing. “This was really nice,” Evan said finally in a gentle, timid voice.
“Huh?” Jared mumbled, reaching up to rub his eye under his glasses.
Evan tilted his head to look at Jared- the best he could, anyway. “Did you fall asleep?”
Jared smiled, not bothering to open his eyes. “Maybe, like, just a little. It was just nice. To lay here, with you, watching the clouds, my stomach full…” He coddled into Evan a little more. “With you.”
“O-oh.” Evan held his breath, suddenly conscious of how close Jared was.
“I told you,” Jared muttered with a sleepy tone. “I’m so gay. But,” he leaned up on his hands, stretching his back. “As much as I’d love to just fall asleep by you, it’s getting a little late.” He pulled out his phone and glanced at it. “7:00, which is kind of a lot later than you’d normally stay at my house, so if you’re worried about your mom…” his voice trailed off, reluctant and maybe a little bitter.
Evan stared at the sky blankly for a few moments before getting up, dusting off his knees and holding out a hand for Jared to climb to his feet. “No, you’re right,” Evan said, a little flat. She probably expected me back, like, an hour and a half ago, s-so-”
“Oh, Evan,” Jared shook his head lightly, packing up the basket. “Again with the stuttering?” He had a joking tone, but Evan still bowed his head shyly, although the traces of a smile were still on his lips.
“Sorry.”
Jared turned and grinned, armed with the basket and blanket. They made him look smaller than he was, standing at only about 5’7”, and Evan grinned again, humming a little.
“What?”
Evan grinned. “You’re cute.”
Jared opened his mouth, always quick with comebacks, but he didn’t have one this time. He closed it as a light pink started to come onto his cheeks.
“You’re blushing! You really are cute, Jared.” Mimicking Jared from earlier, Evan’s tone was lighthearted and mocking, but he knew that he did mean it, and hoped that Jared did, too.
“Shut up,” Jared fired back weakly, elbowing Evan again before taking his hand.
* * * * *
When they pulled back into Evan’s driveway, it was 7:20, and the sun was just barely starting to go down. “At least I got you home before dark,” Jared joked, unclicking his seatbelt and coming over to the passenger side, opening the door. “Before Mama Heidi Hansen wondered where her boy could possibly be, out so late, alone in the world, and rip me a new one.”
Evan rolled his eyes. “It’s fine, she’ll probably be happy that I’m actually being social for once,” Evan mumbled half-heartedly. “Also, don’t call my mom that, it’s kind of weird.” He pulled the seatbelt off of him and got out of the car, stretching out his body.
“So, would it have been a successful date?” Jared asked, eyes bright. Evan huffed a breath of air out through his nose and nodded. “And you would let me take you out on a second sometime?” He leaned against the car.
“O-oh, of course I would.”
“Awesome,” Jared put a hand on Evan’s shoulder. “It’ll be better and even gayer.” He leaned upwards, planting a peck on Evan’s cheek before moving away. Evan stood still, a hand flying up to his cheek. He turned, meeting eyes with Jared, who only smiled teasingly and gave a flirty finger-wave. Evan gave a small wave back before turning and walking back to his house.
As he opened the door, he hummed lightly, his chest warm and buzzing. He stepped through the entrance way and into the living to meet eyes with his mom- who was standing where Evan had been when he was waiting for Jared to arrive earlier in the day. He stopped, heart plunging a little bit, unsure of what to do.
Heidi just smiled, though, before crossing the room to head into the kitchen. “I hope you had fun, sweetie.”
Evan looked downwards even though she wasn’t in the room anymore. “Y-yeah… I sure did,” Evan mumbled, not even sure if she could hear him from the other room. It took him a moment to re-gather his bearings for the umpteenth time that day before heading to his room.
Shutting his door, he sat on the edge of his bed, unable to keep from cracking a smile again. You really did have nothing to be anxious about.