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Josh doesn’t allow it to affect him too much, and he was good at pretending that it wasn’t too important. He couldn’t allow for it to be too important. It was just another detail. It was just another feeling, another emotion, another anxious weight that was upon him no matter how much he wished for it to go away.
(He’s been writing a lot of poetry recently, and sometimes, he’d show Ty, but he can’t do that this time.)
Their tour for Vessel is starting soon, and Tyler has been so good, so happy, so everything he needs to feel, with Jenna.
(Not Josh. Never Josh.
Jenna.)
“You ready for tonight’s show?” Tyler asks him, smiling so widely and excitedly.
Josh nods, and shoves his feelings down so far he’d have to fall again to even reach them.
(And he won’t fall, he won’t allow it.)
“Definitely, man.”
Tyler smiles, and then his phone makes a noise, and Tyler is back to texting Jenna.
(Who is so obviously lovely.
Who Josh wants to hate.
Debby is also lovely.
So is Tyler.)
Josh watches Tyler text Jenna a little while more, takes his own phone out, and sends a heart to Debby, hoping that maybe just maybe she can fix him a little bit.
(He’s not broken. Not anymore.
But he feels like he is.)
He plays louder that night, and Tyler is trying to keep up with him, and there’s a moment when Josh is looking at Tyler, and then at the crowd, and then back at Josh, and Josh can’t see anything at all. He’s looking at a void of emotions, something that can’t exist so it’s now something that doesn’t exist. Josh is looking at an empty crowd and an empty stage. Nothing but dead space.
(He’s his own empty stage so he’d definitely know.)
It’s tugging at his neck in the beginning. His emotions, the anxiety, the dread, the hopefulness and hopelessness all wrapped together in one.
Tyler laughs at something Jenna says over the phone.
It’s crawling now, choking him as its claws sink into Josh’s skin, and the blood is red red red red, isn’t that the color for love as well?
Tyler leaves the room, love for Jenna written all over his face.
Josh can’t breathe he can’t breathe his neck has been ripped apart, and he’s choking on nothing at all, and Josh cannot breathe, does he love Tyler?
(I love Tyler, he thinks. I love Tyler, he screams. I love Tyler, he dreams. I love Tyler, please make it stop.
His emotions laugh at him instead.)
“Josh! Josh!” Tyler exclaims, shaking him, and Josh blinks against the heavy dark, and he realizes he’s backstage. Tyler is shaking, eyes wide and afraid, and he’s so worried about him, he can tell, but Josh shakes away his first instinct, and then smiles at him instead.
“Sorry,” he says.
“Josh, what happened? What’s going on?” Tyler asks.
“I’m okay, Ty.”
“Josh,” Tyler says, and Josh blinks again, the heavy dark making way for a too-blinding bright light, and he looks around, noting the others, who are seemingly just as worried.
“I’m sorry, Ty. I think… I think tonight is just one of those nights,” Josh says, and it’s not a lie, but he knows Tyler will think it’s because of something different altogether.
(He doesn’t want to love Tyler.)
Tyler’s expression immediately changes into one of understanding and worry. “Will you be okay to perform?”
Josh nods. “Always.”
Tyler purses his lips, and doesn’t say anything for a long while too long a while what does he see when he looks at Josh?
“You matter, Josh. You’re positive?” Josh nods again, and Tyler nods back. “Okay. I love you, man.” Tyler pats his shoulder, his hand warm against Josh’s skin, and maybe Josh is just imagining the lingering touch (of course he is, he’s too hopeful about any of this), but he shivers nonetheless. Tyler smiles at him, and then bounds off, the promise of his return heavy in the air.
(Josh can’t breathe.)
“Okay,” he whispers to himself, letting the words explode in the space around him.
He falls in love with Debby, but then they break it off, and Josh realizes even after all this time, he still loves Tyler, but that doesn’t matter at all. He misses Debby. Loved her. Misses her. They still talk, but it’s not the same, it’s never the same, it’s complicated.
Tyler is breathtaking, and Josh never feels like he can breathe around him. On edge on edge on edge, he wishes he didn’t love Tyler.
Tyler is resting his head on Josh’s shoulder. It’s a joke. Teasing Mark or something or the other, but Josh has already stopped thinking, and Tyler’s head is on his shoulder, and Josh loves him.
(He loves him so much please please take it away from him please please please please please please.)
“Tyler!” Jenna calls, and Tyler is still leaning his head on Josh, but he turns toward her, and smiles so widely, and Josh doesn’t want to be here.
“Yeah?” he asks, and Jenna bounds over. They start talking, and Josh stops thinking, but his mind is on fire and he wants to rip out his brain maybe that will help him maybe that will stop him from loving Tyler anymore.
(It’d kill him, he thinks belatedly.)
Tyler takes his head off Josh’s shoulder, and Josh isn’t sure where he’s going, but he leaves with the whispered, “See you in a bit, Josh” and then he’s gone, Jenna right beside him.
(And that crawling creature is back, his best friend, his name meaning Anxiety and his eyes bleeding You’re Pathetic, and Josh can’t do anything at all as it fills the dead space in his head and his mind, and he almost allows it to take over everything and everything, but he pushes it back he can’t afford to do this to himself he can’t allow this to happen he needs to move on he needs to move on.
He pushes it away, and Josh still can’t breathe, but he can taste the air.)
Josh leans back and pretends dead flowers are enough to create the world.