Chapter Text
“Would you like some crack with that?” The overzealous man joked. Jimmy Fallon gave a half--hearted laugh, with dead eyes.
“Yeah man… classic.” He said, thinking in his mind that “classic” is another word for overused and unfunny. Honestly, this was not funny in the first place. Why are you insisting on this being your catchphrase? Why do you think you deserve a catchphrase, you lizard man?! Jimmy had thought about this much before.
Sometimes Jimmy fantasized about killing his podium guy. He deserved better, right? Sometimes he lie in bed at night next to his wife, and all he could think of was smashing his head against his precious podium. Smashing, smashing, smashing…
But this was a comedy, and like a married couple pretending to be in love for the kids, he’d pretend every night that he has not had these thoughts. But with each dumb, stupid, painful joke that he made, it was harder to pretend.
- -
“Aren’t you so happy to be part of the TBS family, Conan?”
Conan gave a melancholy Irish grin.
“Of course.”
The new assistant smiled and handed him a caramel french roast coffee. Conan’s fake smile faded as he walked away and he stared into the distance. Not a day went by without him thinking about his missed opportunities at NBC. Every day his bitterness grew. It should have been me, it should have been me, he repeated to himself while watching Jimmy Fallon every night. Every day, every hour since he’s been fired, he’s been planning his revenge at NBC. Jay Leno had left leaving Jimmy Fallon in charge. It didn’t matter. He’d do anything for that position.
“Would you like some crack with that?”
Conan hears podium guy say, like he does every night, while everyone pretends to like the joke. Pretends to like him. No one would miss him if he were gone. Not even JImmy. He didn’t have anything special like him and Richter. His podium guy probably had never even mentioned the Podium Code to him. He could be massacred in the streets, and no one would care…
Conan had an idea
- -
“Great show tonight, Jim,” Steve Higgins said. He patted Jimmy Fallon on his back, and Jimmy tensed.
“Yeah… Great.. Great job man,”
The podium monkey gave an innocent smile. Like he didn’t know what he was doing. He had gotten his dream job, and now this guy needs to ruin it? What, was he bitterly trying to get revenge on him for a job he wanted? What could he have done to deserve this cruel torture from this potato of a man?
Jimmy sighed, and left without saying goodbye.
“Jimmy? Hey Jim? Where’d ya go??” Steve cried out like a kitten looking for milk. He sighed and held back tears. He sat in Jimmy's desk and pretended to interview Helen Mirren.
“So did you ask for crack with this movie deal?” Steve asked the empty seat. The potato man's soul ached. He felt as empty as that seat.
Little did he know that a irish preying mantis hovered above his head like a raincloud. Conans forehead loomed above the small man as he caught Steve in a chokehold.
“You want some crack with this, Buddy????? You want some crack BITCH!”
Conan dragged the human potato to his much-loved podium and tied him to it. He rolled the podium out to his car and threw him in. Conan jumped in front and took a long drive out to a river out in the country.
“Oh friend, this has been a loooooong time coming.” The insect man grabbed the podium and rolled him into the river, and back to his throne in hell.
---
“What, so Steve is missing?” Jimmy said in a panicked voice.
“Yeah. And do you wanna guess who the lead suspect is, buddy?”
Jimmy’s eyes turned wide “Are you implying that I killed my own podium guy?”
“Happens more often than you’d think,” the cop accused.
“Look, look, me and Steve had problems, but I’d never actually kill him!” Jimmy said, becoming more frantic by the minute.
“Whatever you say. But there was always a clear tension between you and Higgens, and your wife says you’ve had fantasies about killing him. She’s scared, Jimmy.”
Jimmy stood there flabbergasted. He’d never kill Steve! They were best friends! Best friends…
Ah, who was he kidding! He was ecstatic! That asshole was finally dead!! Halleluyah!
But Jimmy couldn’t tell the authorities that. He had to act like a normal host with a dead podium guy.
“Cop, I’m devastated about podium guy.”
“Steve Higgins” the cop corrected.
“Yeah, that dude. We were best friends. I still remember, throwing the ‘ol pigskin around with him on the weekends.”
“What do you mean, pigskin? Would you throw pigskins to Higgins as an intimidation tactic?”
“What? No!” Jimmy lied. “We would play football with the guys all the time!”
“Who are the guys?”
“Uh, Seth, Fred, Jerry, Jon, Jay, the guys!”
“Alright. We’ll get back to you soon, co-host killer.”
Jimmy was terrified. Who had killed his podium guy?
- -
“Yes. I killed Steve Higgins.”
“Conan. How could you do this! You're in some deep shit now! And how short-sighted is that? Podium code insists that you have to be Jimmy's podium guy now!”
“Don’t you see, Andy? This is my plan! I kill Steve to get the podium and scare Jimmy! You see, I’m funnier than him! And when I get up there, they’ll all see… Jimmy will be a ruin,” Conan laughed “It’s mine. It’s all mine!”
“Jesus Christ, Conan…” Andy sighed.
Conan stared down Andy, his forehead looming “That position will be mine. There's no stopping me. You’ll never stop me, Richter.”
“You’re crazy,” Andy said.
Conan laughed “That's what they all say. What reviewers say about my show, ‘Oh, Conan is Crazy on TBS! Conan is Wild! Well, I’ll show ‘em crazy. I’ll show wild, all right. And you’ll help me.”
Andy Richter looked down. He loved Conan too much, he was too loyal. He would help Conan win.
- -
“Conan is going to replace Steve Higgins? Conan O’ Brien?”
“Mmhmm. Don’t ask me why he wanted the job, but he was very passionate about it.” Lorne Michaels said.
Jimmy felt a pang of hope. Conan O'Brien was actually funny! This was going to be so much fun.
“Well, thanks for the info, Lorne.”
“No problem, Jimmy. I was absolutely devastated to hear about Steve. He was so much fun to work with on SNL..”
Higgins was on SNL? Jimmy must’ve blocked it out.
“Yeah, me too… Ah, man. I’m just so taken by surprise. I mean, Jesus…”
“My best guess is that a crazy superfan kidnapped him,” Lorne suggested.
“Yeah, that could be…” Jimmy lied.
“Well, I’ll talk to ya later JImmy. And, uh, take care!”
Jimmy was so excited. Conan O'Brien would be his new co-host!
- -
“Hey, Jimmy!”
“Hey, Conan!”
They both proceeded to say stuff like “Aha, oh you!”, “Oh, It's Been awhile!” and then th ey hugged.
“I was so excited to hear that you’d be my new co-host! Ah, man, I love your show!” Jimmy exclaimed.
“Yeah, I watch your show a lot too. So excited to be a part of the NBC family” Conan smirked “Again!”
They both shared a chuckle. Jimmy had a good feeling about this.
- -
“And welcome to The Tonight Show, with Jimmy Fallon!” the redhead yowled as their first show started.
The two proceeded to give the funniest hours of comedy that NBC had provided since 30 Rock was cancelled. Conan was absolutely stealing the show.
Stealing it…
As the show ended, Jimmy felt faced with an opposite problem. Instead Steve stealing his jokes and tainting them, they were being made better… a lot better…. Jimmy felt threatened.
After the show ended, Jimmy went to the empty stage. As he always did when he was anxious, he went to The Roots keyboard and play the “Thank You Notes” music. He sighed, and was beginning to leave, when he noticed something.
A tuft of red hair lay beneath the podium. The hair was Ron-Weasley red. Just like…
Conan.
What had this Irish Madman done?
- -
Conan had all of his ducks in a row. He had left just enough evidence so Jimmy would know, but not enough to prove it.
In Steve Higgins dressing room, he had dropped off a bag of letters, and they all contained notes like this
“Dear Stevie,
I loved you on Jimmy last night. I wish I could be there with you. I adore you Higgins. I like your hair. You make really good jokes. I started crack because your jokes “Crack” me up so much! Oh Stevie, one day I’m gonna take you and your podium to my house and we can be together forever! See you then, love.
J.F.”
Conan was proud of that. He laughed as he laced through them with latex gloves. And all of them were from “J.F”and addressed from New York City. He also got in touch with someone who managed to get him Jimmy’s prints and saliva, and he had put them on the letters. He just had to wait for the police to find them.
The man had zoned out with his maniacal laughter, when he heard a knock on the door.
“Conan?” Andy Richter said, concern in his voice.
“Oh!” Conan snapped back into it “Yes?”
“The podium ceremony went well last night,”
Conan nodded “ I think so. Although I didn’t know Daily show correspondents counted as ‘Podium People’.”
“I was surprised too, at my first ceremony all those years ago,” Andy laughed.
“But that Fred guy always freaks me out. He was like,playing that big drum, and blankly staring into the void…”
“Yeah, yeah… Some people can’t keep their eyes off of it. You know, if mortals looked at it for that long, they’d die.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard about that.”
Andy nodded “So… How's the usurping going?”
Conan smirked “I’d say it’s going well. I just have to wait for the police to find it.”
“Have they found any of it yet? The letters, his DNA on the body, the diary, the car…”
“None of it, as far as I know.”
- -
“Are you trying to tell me that Jimmy Fallon wrote Steve Higgins love letters, put some more stuff in his diary, then licked and caressed him before he killed him, and then left some blood and hair in his trunk?”
“Mr. Colbert, I’m just here to bring you the facts,”
“I don’t know. He never struck me as that kind of a person... “ he paused “But I could see it happening. That guy was annoying, God rest his soul.”
-
“Do I think Jimmy murdered a man? Hell no.”
“Seth, I implore you to be objective here. Mr. Fallon-”
“You mean Jimmy,” Seth corrected.
“-Could’ve murdered a man. Can you stand easy with that?”
Seth sighed, and didn't answer.
-
“What's the deal?”
“Mr. Seinfeld, I’d appreciate it if you’d take this seriously.”
Jerry sighed and nodded.
“Did you ever play football with Jimmy and Steve?”
“Jimmy? Yes. Steve? No. If you tried to invite Steve to football, he would give you a piece of pigskin. It was a joke between us.”
-
“I knew Jimmy would murder that boy. I saw that look in his eyes. Like a puma, disturbed by a chatty woodchuck. I have no doubt, Jimmy killed Steve.”
“Mr. Armisen, how long would you say this has been going on?”
“Ever since I met him.”
“You met him before he was acquainted with Steve though,didn’t you?”
“I think murder has always lied in his heart. It just took a man like Steve to dig it up.”
-
“I know Jimmy Fallon. He would not murder another man unless he had to. He… he must have been forced by someone…”
“And um, Mr.Leno,” the policeman sighed “Who would you suggest did that?”
Jay sighed. He knew that if he didn’t keep these thoughts quiet, they would finally be forced to send him to the madhouse. But, he knew this was the work of the Irish Madman.
- -
Jay Leno’s DIary
Feb. 28th, 2010
Today Conan bought me my daily coffee, a cookies and cream frappuccino. But it tasted almost… metallic. It was weird. I don’t trust that guy. His eyebrows… they’re freaky. And then, during rehearsal, I threw up. I think I should go to the hospital, but dammit, that preying mantis managed to get me on a day where I just have to work. I got home, ready to just “ride” out the sickness in one of my vintage cars. But when I got there, that little irish rat had smashed them all up. I thought my gate would prevent that, but apparently, the man is too nimble. He has me so scared. I think he’ll only be done messing with me once I’m dead, dear diary. I just hope he doesn’t come for me in my sleep. I’ve got a gun, just in case.
- -
“Jay. Jay! You gotta help me!
“With what?” Jay said nonchalantly.
“You know what.”
“The Irish Cricket come for you, Jimmy?”
“Yes, Conan!”
“ Don’t say his name,” Jay warned.
“Okay, okay,” Jimmy calmed himself down “ So will you help me?”
Jay sighed “I’m afraid not, my boy.”
“Because I know what he can do, Jimmy! He’s gonna kill us both! He’s a madman. He’ll do anything to get what he believes he deserves. I’m not getting involved! He’ll kill me this time! He’ll kill me, Jimmy!”
“Well then what should I do?”
“Don’t ask me. I retired, but that’s not an option for you, youngster,” Jay said,shaking his head.
“Wait,” Jimmy said, almost unbelieving “Is he gonna kill me because this used to be his job, and then you took it, and then you gave it to me?”
“How haven’t you already pieced it together, you worthless chipmunk!”
“This is your fault!” Jimmy screamed, eyes wide “This is all your fault! If you had just let Conan keep your spot, he wouldn’t be trying to kill me right now!” Jimmy was heaving with anxiety” You goddamn bastard!”
“Don’t put it all on me, Jimmy! You should’ve seen it coming when you took the job!”
He knew Jay was right. He was an idiot… He had just gotten his dream to be killed by Conan the Conqueror.
- -
“Awesome! Awesome! I love it!” Conan said, practicing his Jimmy impression.
“Jimmy” had five interviews lined up today. “Jimmy” was retiring from late night to focus on his movie career. “Jimmy” wanted Conan to take his place.
The phone rang.
“Hello, is this Jimmy?”
“Right on!” Conan said.
“Now, you said you wanted to announce something today! What is that?”
“I’m leaving the Tonight Show.”
“Really? Oh, this is juicy!”
“Yeah. Y’know, with the whole Steve Higgins thing, I just got too much pressure on me! I’m gonna go into the movies, Yeah, I’ve always loved movies.”
“Movies? Interesting” she paused “Anyone in mind to replace you?”
The Irish Menace smiled, ready to claim his prize “Conan O’ Brien.”
- -
Jimmy Fallon opened up the New York Times. He sipped his vanilla latte anxiously, when he came across an article.
“Jimmy Fallon steps down from Tonight Show!”
What? Jimmy had never said that! It must’ve been…. Conan.
But how? Did he drug him? Did the thing where you piece sound bites together? Did he impersonate him? What had this man done?
“Conan!” Jimmy yelled.
“Yes?”
“You irish bastard.”
Conan laughed “You hear my, er, your interview?”
“You impersonated me!”
“And did you read the whole thing?” Conan laughed “The best part is, is that you endorsed me as the next host! And I’ll get it, of course. Because people like me and Andy. God knows, they won’t give it to Seth.”
“Why are you doing this to me?”
Conan stopped laughing “ Because this is my destiny. I’m supposed to be on NBC late night, it’s written in the stars, baby. And you’d better not tell anyone about this. With the whole Steve Higgins situation, I don’t believe it’d go over well.”
Jimmy began to weep, it was all he could do. Conan won