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He didn’t know what to think about it. Did he even need to think about it? It was a question that was still ongoing in his head, still going around and around for the longest amount of time since he stopped thinking ‘I don’t have to think about it, this is not necessary’. But it was.
It was because his heart couldn’t go on like this, still. It was because his mind was driving him insane ; his heart was hot, his head was giving him a headache each time he wanted to yell ‘stop’. But it never worked ; it’s not working, again. His mind is wandering around the same face, the same question which want to spill out of his mouth, dry and scared, but wanted to know anyway. Each time he saw him, each time he was talking with him, fighting, doing some exercises, he wanted to ask ; but his vocal cords didn’t wanted to work. They were like ‘oh, no, sorry but maybe YOU want to know, but we don’t want to ask him, we’re too afraid’ ; he was too afraid to even know what to do about it.
Maybe he could ask Pidge, or Hunk. Maybe Shiro, even. But in deep of his mind, he knew already what will be the answer ; "Do not worry about it, Keith, it’s okay to go and ask him." "It’s not like he’ll eat you alive just because of this simple question, right?" "He didn’t change the way he was with you before, so you are you so scared?"
Well, maybe he was scared because he saw the changes in Allura ; the way she adverted her eyes each time they were in the same place, the way she was shutting up and closing like an oyster each time he wanted to talk to her. Maybe he was scared because he didn’t hear anything about it from his side while the brunet always, always says something about anything was passing by his head. What scared him the most was the silence, the non-reaction he got from his side, the non-jokes, the non-all. He simply got nothing at all, while even Hunk joked about it with him, was all laugh and stupid saying right in his face — but it was okay, it was always okay. Because it was Hunk, he didn’t want to hurt him, to do anything but just saying with his own way ‘It’s okay with the way your are, you’re always be our Keith’. And it was all than more okay with the Red Paladin.
But then, here Lance was.
He got nothing. Nothing at all.
And that scared the shit out of him.
"Did you ask him?"
It was a day like the others ; Shiro lefts the shower with only a towel hanging on his bare shoulders — his white hair was sticking to his skin, and even if he wanted, tried to put them in the back, they were always coming back. Like this question.
"No, I didn't."
"What are you waiting for?" He arched an eyebrow, wondering why his little brother of him was taking so much time. "It's not like it'll change everything between you and him." Maybe he was scared, Shiro thinks. But of what, that was another thing to guess.
"I know, Shiro." He knew since the moment he came on the Black Paladin about this, that Shiro won't let it down until the problem was solved. That was one of the oh so complicated things which was coming when you wanted to talk about something with Shiro ; after this, he will always need to be sure that everything will be okay. And even if Keith was really thankful for that, for acting like an older brother he never had, sometimes it was just... too much. Like now.
"Don't worry, I work on it."
"There is nothing to work on? Just go on and ask him."
"This is not this simple."
"It is, Keith. I don't understand what you're waiting for." He looked at him like he didn't comprehend where the problem was ; and he really didn't know.
Keith sighed, not wanting to elaborate anymore. He was a man of secrets after all, so it won't change anything if he didn't tell Shiro this or that. Or rather it won't surprise him.
"I know you don't like talking about your feelings and all, but I'll just say this ; if you don't come on Lance, this isn't Lance who'll come to you. Unless you do something for it. »
And Keith knew this all too well. Because he didn't hear from him since the beginning, he didn't see why all of a sudden the brunet would come and said the things Keith craved to hear. There was just no way, unfortunately.
He turned to leave since he was already full clothed ; the shower had been a good thing for his mind, his body. He could soothe a little in this so calm and little own world. Thinking just about the water which flow on his pale skin, which flow on his wander mind which can't rest, can't find peace. Thinking about the hotness, the steam, and he could just fall asleep right here.
But now, relaxation-time was over ; and Shiro still looked at him with careful eyes. He wanted to sigh again, to tell him to not worry this much about something so insignificant but he knew it was hopeless. It was Shiro, after all.
It made him smile a little. Just a little.
Maybe it was time, he kept telling himself. Maybe it was finally time to stop being a coward and face the need his heart was starting to search. The hope his mind wanted so desperately.
Maybe finally he could let it go, if only he was as courageous as he was keeping to tell himself. Maybe he could stop acting like a dick around Lance, too. Always eyeing him, the poor Blue Paladin was startled to catch him stare at him. It was really unusual, and now, he caught him more than once. It was starting to be really weird, so weird that now Lance was looking at him too, waiting to see if Keith will do something or just continue to stare at him like nothing had changed.
Well, in facts, nothing changed. Appart from the stare thing, nothing really moved. Keith was still thinking too much, Shiro was still looking at him expectantly, and Lance was just distressed about this whole new thing. But appart from that, appart from the fact Hunk and Pidge was looking at him as if he was one of the biggest idiot on the universe, no, nothing changed. Maybe it was all good, but maybe it was for the worst, too.
And he knew he couldn't stay like this, in an entre deux state. He needed to end this, to end the suffering his heart and mind was going through. Maybe if he had time to think about others things, then maybe, just maybe, he would have ask himself what his heart was trying to say. It ached, it hurts him, and each time he was seing Lance it would start to beat a little faster on his own. He thought, maybe it was because of the fear, about the fact he didn't know what Lance was going to say, wwas going to do if he ever asks him. But then, it wasn't the same with the others ; Pidge said nothing too, but Keith knew they didn't care. And with Allura, Allura avoiding him and staring at him, well, he knew he couldn't do anything about that so he already drop the topic one and for all. Then, why? Just why does it shake him this much thinking about Lance's opinion? Normally he would just let it go, too, not fighting about this kind of thing. But, no. He couldn't do that, couldn't abandon. He wanted to know so much, it was driving him insane. If only he could just don't care at all, all of this would have been so simple.
But, hell no. Of course no, Keith couldn't do things simple, but always complicated things. It was his thing, after all. And even if Shiro was overjoyed to see the Red Paladin changing little by little, the thought was not shared. Not at all.
Even less when he was face to face with the problem itself in the corridor, when he just wanted to go to the training room, for fuck's sake. Why Lance was so gifted to be exactly where Keith didn't wanted him to be. That was a mystery.
"Keith, hey."
"Hi, Lance."
Wow, what a great start of a conversation, really. It evolved day by day, and at a great speed, too. Shiro would be so proud of you, Keith, seriously.
"Hum, so..." He stopped for a second, looking away. Keith knew Lance wanted to ask something. Probably about the stare thing, too.
But now that Keith thought about it, maybe the stare-thing was the thing he needed to do for Lance to come at him. Looks like it works, well. Thank you Shiro, he guessed.
"I know maybe that'll sound weird but, lately I've noticed you staring at me and... I was wondering if maybe you wanted to talk about something? Or ask me something? 'Cause you know, it's strange all of a sudden you stare at me with no reason, and I was, well, really startled and didn't know what to do, so I ask Hunk and... here I am."
Oh, damn. He was so babbling it was either disturbing or cute. Keith didn't know what to choose. Maybe both, then.
"So... need something from me?"
This time, Lance was a little more serious than before. It was now or never, Keith thought. Here was finally his chance to ask him and let it go, to put his mind and heart to rest. Finally.
"Yeah, right... It might sound weird, so don't freak out, okay?" He really sucked at this, god. But Lance waited, more serious than ever. His gaze was directed at him, never leaving him. The blue of his eyes was so bright he could just let himself drown in it ; but he needed to be attentive, to stay serious and concentrated. This was important ; this was new and really unsettling.
"You never said anything about the... Galra thing. About me. Being a Galra, y'know." One look to Lance, nodding his head, waiting for the rest. "And since, with Allura, it's not really... discreet, with the way she treats me, I was wondering if you thought something like her but just. Didn't want to make things strange between us, so, you know. You just said and did nothing." He knew he was babbling too now, but he just couldn't help it ; he was really nervous. He didn't even know if Lance heard him right.
"Uh."
"Yeah. So just..." He took a big breath before finally letting the bomb touch the ground. "What do you think about me being a Galra?"
Lance was looking straight at him.
"I don't know. Why do you even want to know? I never changed around you, so why would I?"
"I... don't know? This is why I ask you. Because I want to know if one day or another when I'll turn Galra, if I turn Galra, you'll freak out and just avoid me like I'm the pest itself or something." He rolled his eyes like it was obvious ; maybe to him, but not to Lance.
In facts, Lance already thought about it, but he just didn't want to tell to Keith. He was a little shy about it — even if Hunk have promised him it was not weird or anything and totally normal, but being face to face to Keith now and talking about it was now much more difficult than what he thought.
With the silence left between them, Keith reiterated his question. "You really don’t have an opinion about it Lance?"
"I don’t know man, okay! I just don't freaking know because, y’know… you’re not…" He was at a loss of words, didn't know if what he'll said will be as good receive as Hunk had told him.
"I’m not what, Lance?"
"You’re not purple, dude."
Keith was left silenced for a moment before he could proceed what had just said the Blue Paladin. "I’m not… purple ?" For him, it didn’t make any sense.
"Yeah, you’re not. So, you know, it’s hard to really know how I feel even if you’re a Galra because for me, you’re not. I mean, you’re not purple, you haven’t yellow glowing eyes, nothing of all the things that make a Galra, well… a Galra."
And then, it hits him. Hits him like it was the most normal thing in the world. Oh, god. He was so, so stupid. And Lance was really right, for once.
Lance didn’t see him like a Galra because he didn’t looked like one, didn’t act like one. For him, Galra Keith will always be Normal Keith. Because he didn’t have purple hair, yellow eyes. Because he was still him, he was still human, with white skin and dark eyes and black hair. For Lance, Galra Keith didn’t even exist in the first place ; okay it was in the DNA of the Red Paladin, but what else? It was just like Shiro with his Galra arm ; it was here, it did exist because they were seeing it but it didn’t define him. And nobody was really talking about his arm as if it was a big deal — what happened, happened, and that was the all of it. It was the same for the news concerning the Galra DNA inside of him. Now that everybody knew about this, well, this was a ‘case closed’ labelled, no need to search further.
"Keith, buddy? You okay ?" Maybe he was spacing out for a too long time, and Lance made a face showing concern.
"I'm okay, sorry. I just never... never thought you'll thing like this. With Allura it's so, you know, different since then, and Hunk commented on it, but you..." He paused for a second before, thinking if it was really a good idea to let Lance know he wanted to know what the brunet thought about it. Just him. "You never said anything. I was a little lost about what to do or the way to act with you, because nothing changed, and you didn't talk about it. As if you didn't care." ‘And it scared me like hell.’ And he knew he was saying all of this for a second time in less than five minutes, but it was so important to him that he really didn’t care if he was repeating himself again and again. He just wanted to make the point ; Lance never said anything while the others did.
Lance looked at him with big surprised eyes, didn't know what to say. He didn't know that Keith was actually looking for his opinion — never thought the Red Paladin actually cared about what he could think about him. But then maybe again, he was completely wrong. Maybe he never really knew Keith, after all. And he was touched ; touched to know Keith cared about him enough to know his thought, to know why he never said anything about it. It was nice knowing the dark haired man cared this much. His heart beats a little too fast.
"I didn't know what to tell about it anyway. 'Oh, hey Keith, so what now you'll turn into a fluffy little human being? But hey you're human too, so what happened then? Will you be just fluffy without being purple?' I mean, seriously, I just. Didn't know. Or didn't wanted to talk to you about it."
Keith arched an eyebrow, wondering what Lance didn't wanted to talk about. His Galra DNA? Or something else, something else like the things he just said. "You said the word 'fluffy' twice... Do you actually want to know if I'll be, what, like a cat?"
Keith swears to God if Lance would have been drinking something, all the water would probably have met the ground right now.
He was a little red in the ears and didn't really know what to say to that. 'Breath, McClain. Breathe'. "Well... Isn't Galra, in fact, just a really big cat which ressemble to human after all?" A nervous laugh escape him. 'Oh God please I hope he didn't see through me.' He really wish he hadn't, because if Keith understood by reading between the lines, then Lance was dead. just. dead.
"Yeah, maybe. I never really thought about it anyway so it doesn't really make a difference for me. And since all Galrans are different, I suppose some are cat-like like Thace, and some are less than this, like Ulaz. And some who aren't at all, like Zarkon."
It made sense, yes. But more than the Galrans they encountered were like a cat ; with their cat-like fluffy ears on top of their heads, the way their eyes seemed to glow in the dark, and the fur on their skin. More than once when Lance was left alone with his thought he assimilated the Galra race with something similar to a cat. Not all of the Galra, but the most of it anyway. And he would be lying if he said he never imagined what Keith would have look like in his Galra form. Never, and he really can say never did he found it repulsive or ugly.
In his head, Keith was a really cute and fluffy purple Galra with big yellow gentle but sometimes murdering eyes.
But he'll never say it.
"Yeah, so you see. Even if I always wondered why Galrans doesn't have a tail to begin with. I mean, they have all the things cats have, but no tail! Don't you find it strange?" He did a face like it was an obvious to think about and needed to be think about. That was important to him, after all. Surely he wasn’t the one to have thought about it right?
Keith looked at him as if he was an idiot. "We're in a war, and you think about that?"
"I have a lot of free time, that's all. So, yes, I think about it. I even wonder if you'll be different since you're only half Galra. »
The thought made Keith stops thinking for a moment. He never really thought about it either ; he didn’t really care about what he could look like as a Galra. He had always something else to think or to do, and it wasn’t as if it was the most important thing at the moment. But apparently, for Lance, it was.
And then, the Red Paladin thought about something. But he really hoped he was wrong as he was beginning to form the words in his head, his heart going wild for a second.
"So, what, you want to see if when I turn purple I'll have a tail?" He said, grinning and blushing just a little.
"Oh my quiznak, Keith." Lance was reddening more than him. Interesting.
"You'll want to touch my fluffy ear, too?"
And Lance swear to god that one day, Keith will definitely pay for this. For making him as red as a tomato, for making him imagining things in his head he didn't even wanted to imagine. He wanted to face palm himself, just to hide his red face and the fact that all Keith was saying was actually scrarily true, but when he just wanted to do that a voice echoed in his head, and it was really, really close. Too close.
"You'll want to know if I can purr, too?" Okay maybe he was going too far this time.
But Lance just looked at him as if he broke him. He was left speechless, and then his face blushed once again and it was the most reddening face he had never seen on the brunet.
"You big Galra meme, I swear to god you'll kill me one day." But he was smiling noneless, and soon after a laugh just escape him.
Keith thought it was the most wonderful thing to make Lance laugh. And he really wanted to kiss him, right here, right now. But for now he just laughed with him, saying again and again things which make Lance blush and just wanted to hide in a corner and die forever.