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Chapter Text

Jaebum woke up like he did most days to the shrill ringing of his alarm and an annoyed Jackson smacking his chest.

He always set his alarm extra early just in case and, despite it being months since the room swap, Jackson would still whine about it every morning from under their shared duvet.

Through his sleep-deprived haze, Jaebum blindly felt for his phone while it continued to blast obnoxious beeps intermittently. Even once the offending noise was silenced Jackson continued to moan about the horrors of being awake before 10 am.

Youngjae had always been a much deeper sleeper. The younger boy had never once been disturbed by Jaebum's incessant ringtone. He wouldn’t even stir while Jaebum would extract himself from the interlocking mess of limbs they’d inevitably become during the night.

Jaebum would wake up the others first, letting Youngjae get a few measly minutes more. Jaebum rationalised his obvious favoritism from the fact that Youngjae had trouble falling asleep and therefore deserved the few extra minutes. Jaebum smiled as he thought back to how he’d have to shake the younger boy awake, coaxing him out of whatever dream had him smiling in his sleep.

Youngjae had always looked so confused when he first woke up, his eyes squinting as the morning light hit him. His hair would be a mess with one side flattened from resting on Jaebum’s chest the night before. He would always try wheedling a few more minutes out of Jaebum, his words mumbled around unrelenting yawns.

Honestly, Jaebum would’ve liked nothing better than to lie back down on their shared mattress and let the world keep turning without them. Although the rational side of Jaebum knew that would give JYP every excuse to kick his ass out of the company. So, instead, he would settle for tickling Youngjae until the younger boy was rolling onto their cold bedroom floor in fits of laughter, erasing any tiredness for that moment.

Jaebum missed those mornings that were always so full of raspy laughter and sleepy smiles.

Jaebum, being so caught up in the past, barely noticed Jackson accidentally standing on him in an attempt to step over the leader and out of the room. Even doubled over in pain, he didn’t mind rooming with Jackson all that much. It helped them get along better but Jaebum couldn’t deny that he missed Youngjae.

Ever since the move, they don’t talk as much.

Jaebum blamed those stupid bugs that Jackson is so terrified of. He hoped Youngjae was ok because he knows the younger is just as freaked out by bugs as Jackson is.

Jaebum distinctly remembered the look of horror on his face when a spider had decided to grace their dorm one day. Youngjae had refused to leave the bathroom until he was one hundred percent sure that the creature had been evicted and that all the windows were closed.

What confused him the most was the fact that Jackson didn’t even need to ask Youngjae to move. Youngjae had just offered to swap with Jackson out of nowhere over breakfast one morning.

Jaebum had sulked for days.

“I don’t want you to swap”, he whined the morning of the move while Youngjae busied himself with filling a gym bag with tee-shirts. Jaebum was sitting on their mattress, refusing to help as a sign of protest, arms crossed and brow furrowed.

“It’s for the best, Jaebum. We’ve talked about this.” Youngjae had sighed, not even turning around to look at Jaebum.

Jaebum got up from his position on the mattress and shuffled over to his soon to be ex-roommate, a frown still clouding his features.

“It’s what’s best for Jackson, not me. I’m going to lose my teddy bear.” He had teased, wrapping both of his arms around Youngjae from behind. Jaebum had pulled him in close, a cripplingly tight back hug that had the younger boys shoulders tense momentarily.

“I’m sure if you ask nicely, Jackson will let you smother him like you do me.” Youngjae quipped, trying to loosen Jaebum’s hold only to have the older man tighten it.

“Jackson’s all hard muscle, s’not the same,” Jaebum mumbled, burying his face in Youngjae’s shoulder. “You’re softer. Better to cuddle”.

Youngjae sighed again, rolling his eyes at his leader's childish antics. He stopped packing for a second allowing himself to lean into his touch. Jaebum smiled into Youngjae’s back as the younger boy placed his hand on Jaebum’s arm, softly running his thumb across it.

This lasted all of five seconds before Youngjae was pulling that arm off of him and breaking himself free from the elder’s grip. That didn’t deter Jaebum who continued to tug on Youngjae’s shirt like a puppy.

“Stop annoying me. I need to pack, I told Jackson I’d be good to swap by tonight.” Youngjae snapped, a little angrier than Jaebum was used to hearing from the younger boy.

Jaebum abruptly let go, all playfulness gone. He scoffed, grabbing his phone on the way to the door, and deliberately bumping into Youngjae because he’s petty like that. Jaebum ignored Youngjae’s protests and apologies, cutting across his member before he opened the door.

“Look, Youngjae, I’m not sure what I’ve done but I’m sorry that it makes it unbearable to be in the same room as me. I wish you’d grow up and confront me like an adult rather than use Jackson and the heat in here as an excuse.” Jaebum lectured, addressing the elephant in the room.  Youngjae had been slowly distancing himself from everyone in the group but in particular, Jaebum. It was slowly driving him insane.

The younger boy stood there, looking at his feet unable to meet Jaebum’s fiery gaze, twisting and untwisting his hands.

“If you’re uncomfortable with skinship just tell me so I don’t make things awkward for everyone.” Jaebum pressed, a little calmer seeing how small Youngjae looked.

 When he didn’t respond or look up, Jaebum scoffed and slammed the door, leaving behind Youngjae’s teary eyes.

Jaebum frowned at the memory of the stupid spat.

He shouldn’t have let his temper get the best of him, he’s the leader after all. Youngjae didn’t seem to hold a grudge though, as when Jaebum went to apologise the next day he just shushed him with a reassuring smile.

He thought everything would be fine from then on but he still felt like Youngjae shied away from his casual touches. It wasn’t just Jaebum. Youngjae barely spoke now at practice and retreated to his room most nights while the others hung out in the living room.

It was clear to see that something was bothering Youngjae but he didn’t feel comfortable enough to tell them and Jaebum was worried.

Jaebum had always felt this inexpiable need to protect Youngjae once he had joined the group. It frustrated him to think about what could’ve caused the younger’s large grin to disappear. He can tell Youngjae forces the smile he shows the cameramen and can see how painful it is for him. Jaebum can see it in the way Youngjae’s shoulders droop once they stop filming and how he goes quiet on their way to the dorm. The way his lips seem to naturally turn down now worries Jaebum.

It’s nothing like his usual endearing pout. It seems to weigh heavier on the younger boy.

As his leader, Jaebum felt like he had let Youngjae down recently. He hasn’t been making the effort to talk to him about what’s going on, what if something is really wrong or-

“Hey! Are you not gonna shower? Bam’s been in there for the past fifteen minutes, you’ll be lucky if the water’s not literal ice by now!” Jackson laughed, shaking Jaebum out of his thoughts quite literally by pushing him over on the mattress.

He yelled as Jackson proceeded to shake the water out of his hair over Jaebum much like a dog, squealing the whole time.

“All right, all right! Get off me.” Jaebum shoved him back and checked the time on his phone. “Shit, it’s already half six we need to leave in like fifteen minutes to make it on time to practice.” Jaebum cursed.

‘This isn’t gonna be a good start to comeback prep if they 're all late cuz of me.’ He reprimanded himself internally.

“Oh no, it’s fine. Youngjae got to shower first and couldn’t be bothered to wait for the rest of us, I guess, cuz he’s gone ahead.” Jackson explained, rubbing his hair dry with a towel.

“Did he eat?” Jaebum worriedly questioned, standing up and stretching his arms over his head. The company kept encouraging Youngjae to lose weight but Jaebum wanted to make sure he didn’t skip any meals.

“I don’t know! Do I look like his mom?” Jackson snickered, smacking Jaebum with his wet towel. “Hurry up!” he shrieked, laughing as Jaebum rolls his eyes.

After chasing BamBam out of the bathroom, Jaebum took the quickest lukewarm shower of his life and proceeded to throw on the first tracksuit he could find. He made his way to the kitchen with five minutes to spare giving him a chance to chug the coffee Jinyoung always made him. The rest ignored him and continued on with their conversation save for Jinyoung, who sent the leader a pointed glare while tapping his watch.

“I know I should’ve gotten up earlier but I knew you’d have everything under control like you always do. You’re so organised Jinyoungie,” Jaebum cooed, layering the flattery on thick as he threw an arm over his best friends shoulder.

Jinyoung looked unimpressed with the blatant ass kissing.

“I’d be lost without you!” Jaebum dramatically added with a shit-eating grin.

“Well, that much is clear.” Jinyoung huffed but his mouth twitched from trying not to smile at how ridiculous Jaebum could be when he tries to get on his good side.

“The coffee is perfect.”

“Obviously.”

“Thanks for wrangling the kids by the way.”

“I’m older than both of you,” Mark interjected before Jinyoung could even respond, frowning at Jaebum’s hand on the younger’s shoulder. Jaebum was about to tease the older boy back when Jinyoung suddenly lurched forward.

“Shit, shit, shit,” Jinyoung said under his breath, grabbing his phone that was on the table. “Managers ringing. Come on, we’re gonna be late! Your ass kissing fucking distracted me Jaebum,” Jinyoung scolded, while Yugyeom excitedly bounced on his chair.

“Hey! That’s five dollars for the jar, Jinyoung!” Yugyeom gleefully yelled, pointing at the counter Jaebum leaned against.

Jaebum glanced over at Jinyoung’s beloved swear jar that they’ve had since pre-debut to keep the younger ones in line. It doesn’t really make much sense that Jinyoung insists on keeping it since he’s the one who fills it more times than not. Still, it’s handy when you need some spare change.

“I’ll do it later, come on, get up off your asses,” Jinyoung ordered, already halfway out the door dragging Yugyeom and Mark with him.

“That’s six!” Jaebum could hear Yugyeom yell from the hallway. He couldn't help but chuckle at their antics before downing the dredges of his coffee. Jaebum grabbed an apple on his way out, raising his hands in surrender once he spotted an annoyed Jinyoung by the open door motioning him to hurry up.

Chapter Text

The walls and mirrors seemed to shake with the pounding bass pumping out of the surround system speakers. Youngjae felt completely swallowed by sound as he bent over, hands on his knees, his breathing labored. He’d been practicing since half six this morning while the others were still getting ready, but they should be here any minute now. Youngjae felt as if he was behind, he’d missed so much practice over the last six months with all the little colds and flues he’d been getting.

He'd thrown himself into practicing any chance he got.

He cursed his weak-ass immune system for making him a dead weight to the rest.

He never did feel secure in his position in the group with the short amount of training he had, so, every moment counted.

The others wouldn't get it. He felt really alone sometimes.

At the moment, it felt like he was basically sharing a house with strangers. How had it gotten this bad? 

Youngjae wanted to talk to them, he knew he should but he simultaneously shrank away from the mere thought of it. Over the past three weeks or so, Youngjae had been on edge. He felt this overpowering need for everything to just stop.

Youngjae had tried lying down, sleeping and even meditating. Anything to get some form of relief but his brain kept racing. Mocking him.

He waited for the room to stop teetering, everything seemed off balance and he just couldn't mute his mind. By all accounts, Youngjae should be ecstatic with his life; he had debuted in one of the top companies in the country, their group was successful and he now had six lifelong friends.

But he wasn’t happy.

When he eventually falls asleep these days; it’s fragmented. He struggled in and out of bed every day. The more Youngjae slept the worse he felt. Either way, he’s irritable.

Most nights he sets his alarm early, convincing himself this time he’ll get up and go practice or work out before the rest of the members wake up. He hasn’t worked out in months.

Youngjae was supposed to be losing weight this summer for their next comeback which isn’t happening. The company wanted him to lose just under a stone as he’s the heaviest member with little to no muscle mass.

Youngjae knew he wasn’t the visual or the best dancer in the group but it still hurt when the managers had sat him down and explained the diet plan. Youngjae couldn't deny it made him self-conscious. He always knew he wasn't the best looking but having someone saying it so definitively was nothing short of devastating.

He had numbly nodded along, thankful the discussion didn't require any input from him because he was sure he would’ve cracked and the floodgates would’ve burst.

When they had finished he ran straight to the bathroom and locked himself in one of the cubicles. Once alone he couldn't stop the flow of tears that seemed to endlessly tumble down his face. He was a gasping mess of snot and tears on the cold bathroom floor when his phone lit up, telling him “Jaebummie <3” was calling.

This was followed by a thunderstorm of notifications from the group chat and individual members. It was times like this, seeing how much the six of them all cared for each other, that kept Youngjae going.

Reading the worried messages of his members, asking why he wasn’t at practice littered with emoji’s and funny memes reminded Youngjae just how lucky he was to be in a group.

There’s no way he could have lived through all the ups and downs by himself as a solo artist. Despite this, Youngjae refused to tell the others.

Jaebum would freak if he found out.

He’d been keeping it under wraps pretty well so far even though it involved only eating one meal a day. Youngjae picked dinner as his one meal he was allowed to have as that was the hardest one to avoid.

It would be difficult to not eat something with six other people stuffing their faces around you. It would raise too many questions. The only side-effect to the diet so far was fatigue and slight dizziness but he was tired before the diet started, it’s just a little more intense.

Hopefully, it’ll start paying off soon and they’ll start letting him eat two meals a day. Youngjae’s stomach growled at the mere thought of food and he sighed out loud, only a little longer, just a few more pounds. He really hated lying to the members but he knew they’d just try to sneak him food that he wasn’t supposed to be eating and then he’d never lose any weight.

They’d all been too lenient on Youngjae lately because he’d been sick when really they should be pushing him so he doesn’t let them and all their fans down.

Having finally caught his breath, Youngjae righted himself and faced the floor to ceiling mirror, frown etched into the features of his forehead. He turned sideways to see if his tummy had shrunk at all since he had last checked. He had no way of knowing if he was dropping any weight because Jinyoung had thrown out the company weighing scales the second he saw Yugyeom’s foot touch it just after debut.

The company had, of course, replaced it but Jinyoung refused to have it in the bathroom, choosing instead to hide it in a non-disclosed location in his room.

Youngjae knew he couldn’t ask for it without raising suspicions and most likely receiving an hour-long lecture from Jinyoung. He was instead forced to wait until their weekly weigh-ins and have their ‘nutritionist’ judgingly hum at the numbers on display.

‘My arms look a little slimmer, right?’ he thought, turning and twisting to better see his reflection in the mirror. ‘Maybe I should use the gym with Jackson and gain some muscle. No, wait, that’s his and Jaebum’s thing.’

There was no way Youngjae could handle Jaebum at the gym. It was bad enough that his leader seemed to prefer walking around the dorm in just his underwear half the time, causing a simple trip to the bathroom to make the younger turn bright red.

Youngjae really didn’t need the added torture of a sweaty Jaebum flexing in tight gym clothes when dance practice involved plenty of that already. Thankfully, Jaebum seemed to not notice just how much time Youngjae spent secretly staring.

It’s been going on so long that Youngjae’s convinced Jaebum might actually be blind. To be fair, Youngjae didn’t even realize himself for the longest time that the love he felt for Jaebum went beyond friendship.

He had always been close to the leader of the group, able to rely on him no matter what. Jaebum had offered to room with Youngjae the second he joined the group, immediately making sure he was included in everything despite how new Youngjae was to it all.

Those first few months were make or break for Youngjae but Jaebum made sure he got through them, staying up late with him to practice and laughing at all Youngjae’s terrible attempts at jokes.

Jaebum gave Youngjae confidence in his voice and made him feel comfortable when he was around the others, providing encouraging smiles and gentle pats on the back.

On the bad days when Youngjae just couldn’t get a dance right or the homesickness hit him hard, Jaebum would take his mind off it with junk food and a movie in their shared room.

Youngjae had downplayed the affection he had felt bubbling up inside him for as long as he could, branding it as simple hero worship. Of course, he’d feel strongly about Jaebum when he was so indebted to the leader.

It was only natural to want to spend more time with him, to see him smile more or to hear his laughter fill their tiny room. Plus, they were ridiculously alike and got on easily. As a result, Youngjae couldn’t imagine a life without Jaebum. He was his best friend but recently things had become all muddled. Casual things like Jaebum throwing his arm around Youngjae’s shoulders or even sharing a bed as they used to every night made Youngjae's face flush.

It was during ‘Confession Song’ promotions that Youngjae had begun to question the extent of his feelings. He remembered going on Kiss The Radio and the entire group having to complete the 100-second challenge.

Each member picked a number and lined up in that order. Meanwhile, Ryeowook read out what each person had to do and with whom.

Youngjae was excited to be standing beside Jaebum because he was sure they’d get their mission done quickly, whatever it was. That all changed when Ryeowook announced that number two and three would be playing the pepero game. Jinyoung was number two and Jaebum was number three.

While the pair took it in their stride and started teasing each other Youngjae felt alarmingly uncomfortable.

‘What if they kiss?’ he thought.

The idea made his stomach twist in unease. He wasn’t against two men being together, he knew that in a lot of places it was completely normal and they’ve even had men come to fansigns before.

But Jinyoung and Jaebum together just wasn’t right. It would be weird and wrong. The game started nonetheless and thankfully Jackson took nearly half the time allotted blowing sticky notes off Jinyoung’s face, but once they finished it was Jinyoung’s turn.

They had to get the sweet stick down to 1cm or else it wouldn’t count as a pass so Youngjae watched as their faces got closer and closer.

He felt more uneasy as the gap between them became almost non-existent. He could’ve sworn he saw their lips brush before he looked down at his feet.

His emotions were all over the place. He felt a lot of anger towards Jinyoung when he was only doing what he was told. They’d all done fanservice before, it was nothing new, but this felt different.

Why hadn’t Jaebum protested at all? He seemed completely fine with the idea of kissing Jinyoung. Youngjae knew they were good friends but still he didn’t like the way Jinyoung’s hand cradled the back of Jaebum’s head in order to bring them closer or the manner in which Jaebum held Jinyoung’s waist.

They looked like a couple.

The rest of the challenge was hell as they kept messing up, meaning Jaebum and Jinyoung kept having to lean into each other, each time more reckless than the last. Youngjae really didn’t care about the stupid challenge anymore. He just wanted to go home and play with Coco.

In the car on the way home, they were all laughing about the challenge. Jackson was complaining about how he had it the worst because Jinyoung spat on him multiple times.

“You were literally spitting on me! Actual saliva from your mouth hit my face. They should’ve had a towel ready.” Jackson whined, playfully glaring at Jinyoung who only blew air at him in response, causing the older boy to duck and scream.

“At least you didn’t have to kiss him, count yourself lucky.” Jaebum countered, scrunching his nose in mock disgust.

“I’m offended! Every part of me, spit included, is a gift! Consider yourselves blessed to be in my presence,” Jinyoung declared, puckering his lips at Jaebum. “I bet we broke some hearts today, Jae, your crazy fangirls probably want my blood,” Jinyoung added, winking at Jaebum who only shook his head fondly at his friend’s antics.

That was when it clicked.

What Youngjae felt was jealousy. That’s why he had gotten so irrationally annoyed by Jinyoung playing up to the cameras with his wandering hands. 

The realisation freaked him out. Why would he be jealous of Jinyoung? He was just as close with Jaebum, if not more, and it’s not like the kiss meant anything, right? But then, why did Youngjae feel like it would have been better if he’d been paired up with Jaebum for the challenge? It’s not like he wanted to kiss Jaebum but it just would’ve made more sense.

Youngjae turned to his leader who sat in the car beside him and took the moment to really look at him.

He couldn’t deny Jaebum was gorgeous. He had a strong jaw and broad shoulders that would make anyone’s heart race. He couldn’t help looking at his lips which were currently quirked up in amusement, slowly spreading into a wide grin at something the others were saying.

Youngjae wondered if they felt as soft as they looked.

‘Jinyoung would know.’ he thought sourly, his brows furrowing.

As if Youngjae had called out to him, Jaebum turned to include him in the conversation and caught his cloudy stare. Youngjae averted his eyes to the driver’s seat in front of him.

“Hey, everything alright?” Jaebum whispered, worry colouring his voice. His hand instinctively landing on Youngjae’s thigh. The younger froze at the casual contact his thoughts racing a mile a minute.

“Yeah…just tired.” Youngjae breathed out, unable to meet Jaebum’s searing gaze.

“Ok. How about we have a nap when we get home? I’m feeling pretty sleepy myself.” Jaebum smiled, squeezing Youngjae’s thigh before letting it go only to rest his head on the younger’s shoulder.

“Sounds great,” Youngjae whispered, letting his head lean against Jaebum’s, a warmth spreading in his stomach.

Youngjae had known even back then.

He was so fucked.

Chapter Text

Youngjae managed to run through the choreography of ‘A’ one more time before the other members showed up bringing yells and laughter in their wake. Youngjae hated how his eyes found Jaebum first despite the fact BamBam and Jackson literally crashed into the room squawking like deranged parrots about some new game.

He can’t help himself. Jaebum looked amazing like this with a simple white tee and grey sweats, bared-faced and his hair looking so soft. Ever since his realisation Youngjae can't ignore the little things; like how cute Jaebum’s hair looked down covering his forehead. Or how, alternatively, his hair pushed back is the rudest thing to exist. Youngjae was confused to say the least, he was acting like some girl daydreaming about a high school crush. 

He looked so normal like this, none of his intimidating stage presence that used to make Youngjae so shy evident now. Even this early, Jaebum had the energy to be laughing loudly at something Yugyeom said, playfully pulling him into a chokehold while the younger flailed uselessly.

Youngjae tried to ignore the fact that he missed how those strong arms used to wrap around him.

‘It isn’t Jaebum’s fault,' he reminded himself, ‘I’m the one with the problem.’

“How come you’re here so early?” Mark questioned, wrenching Youngjae from his bitter train of thought. “We missed you at breakfast.” The older frowned slightly, clearly a little uncomfortable with the conversation.

“Oh, sorry, I already ate so I thought I should start practicing old choreo for the concerts. Just want to stay on top my game y’know?”

Lying came so easily to Youngjae now, he barely blinked before responding so smoothly. It seemed to satisfy the older boy as he simply nodded and plopped himself on the couch beside Jinyoung, phone in hand.

Without even looking up, Jinyoung’s spare hand absentmindedly grabbed Mark’s to show him something on his phone. Youngjae looked on curiously as the two smiled at something on the screen, their hands still interlocked.

He knew it was probably just the revelation of his own sexuality, but he could’ve sworn he saw something more in the way Mark smiled up at Jinyoung as the younger continued to scroll through his phone obliviously.

“Ah, shit! I thought you hadn’t eaten so I stopped at the vending machine and got us snacks,” Jaebum exclaimed, releasing Yugyeom from his death grip, he came running over to Youngjae. It made him think of Coco. 

His leader really didn’t have a concept of personal space, leaning uncomfortably close to Youngjae as he continued.

“I got your favourite and all.” Jaebum pouted, pulling a packet of sweet potato chips out of his pocket. The younger boy ignored how his body wanted to lean in and forced himself to take a step back instead. He should put some space between them. Youngjae hated how he couldn't trust himself to be close to Jaebum anymore. He hated the fact Jaebum remembered his favourite snack. He hated that he didn't hate it at all. 

‘It doesn’t mean anything.’ a mean-spirited voice whispered in the back of his head.

“I-I’m sure one of the others will eat them, thanks-” Youngjae began but was he cut off by his stomach which decided this was the moment it wanted to be heard and proceeded to growl as loud as humanly possible.

“Oh good, you’re still hungry, here.” Jaebum smiled, triumphant, as he shoved the two packets into Youngjae’s hands. “You better eat them fast, we’re going to start soon. I think Dae-Jung’s going to teach us the new choreo.” Jaebum said excitedly as he dropped to the floor to stretch.

Youngjae eyed the packets in his hands hesitantly. They weren’t part of his diet. Suddenly Jaebum was off the floor and in Youngjae’s face again, giving the other a mini heart attack.

“You like them, right? I didn’t get it wrong, did I? I can get you something else.” Jaebum worriedly rambled, clearly insecure about his choice.

‘He’s so cute when he’s like this.’ Youngjae thought, smiling as he stopped Jaebum from running back to the vending machine, grabbing his arm.

“I love them. You got it just right, thank you. I owe you one.” Youngjae assured, trying to look as sincere as he could as she stared into Jaebum’s eyes, trying to not lose himself.

“Have breakfast with us tomorrow and we’re even,” Jaebum replied, never looking away, a little of his playfulness gone.

“Promise.” Youngjae exhaled, blinded somewhat by the smile that brightened Jaebum’s face at that one word. He went on to ruffle Youngjae’s hair fondly before turning to the others.

Jaebum sighed as he went over to break up the fight that had unfolded among Jackson, BamBam and Yugyeom over who was going to get to use the recording booth first.

‘Could I really deny Jaebum anything?’ he thought, ripping open the packet of chips with shaky hands.

He was halfway through the second packet when Dae-Jung came in, telling them to gather round to talk about the title tracks choreography. He immediately zoned in on the packet in Youngjae’s hand, eyes narrowing and flitting up to meet Youngjae’s apprehensive gaze.

“Youngjae, you know you’re not supposed to be eating those.” Dae-Jung scolded, voice coloured with disappointment.

“What?” Jaebum laughed, completely unaware of the tension rolling off of Youngjae. “They’re his favourite, plus he was still hungry after breakfast so I got them for him,” Jaebum explained, looking at the choreographer in confusion, while Youngjae shifted uncomfortably.

“Breakfast and snacks?” Dae-Jung questioned, incredulous, eyebrows raising at Youngjae. “Really, Youngjae? Guilt-tripping the members into buying you food? Eunhyun’s not gonna be happy.”

At the nutritionist's name, Jinyoung’s head whipped up from his conversation with Mark, forehead creasing.

“Wait, what? He didn’t even ask-” Jaebum started, puzzled as he tried to connect the dots.

“I wasn’t talking to you Jaebum. Youngjae, answer me.” Dae-Jung’s stern voice cut Jaebum short, staring intensely at Youngjae who now had his shoulders slumped and head bowed. The tension in the practice room was palpable as everyone stared between the choreographer and their member, unsure.

“I-I tried to, um, skip breakfast and get some early practice in be-” Youngjae muttered, eyes trained on his shoes.

“Look at me when you’re speaking to me, Choi.” Dae-Jung interrupted, foot tapping against the wooden floorboards, arms crossed, and jaw set in irritation. Youngjae forced himself to look up and maintain eye contact as the choreographer continued.

“Stop making excuses. You’re supposed to be losing weight, not gaining it, Choi. Take some responsibility, for once.”

“Hey! Lay off, he’s been sick.” Jaebum retorted, stepping in between the choreographer and Youngjae.

“Yeah, well, he’s better now. You guys always go too easy on him, especially you Jaebum. You let him get away with murder. You’re the leader, you’re supposed to be tougher than this. Yet when he looks a little sad,” Dae-Jung sneered, gesturing to Youngjae with a jerk of his head, “you run to go buy your precious little Youngjae some sweets.”

Youngjae felt like getting sick at the choreographer's words, regretting giving into Jaebum. He had only gotten them both into trouble. Dae-Jung had it all wrong anyway. Youngjae wasn’t anything to Jaebum.

Everyone had gone silent, looking anywhere but at Youngjae and the choreographer. Except for Jaebum, who matched Dae-Jung’s glare with one of his own.

“Who the hell-” Jaebum started, a dangerous glint to his voice, stepping forward to square up to the choreographer. Youngjae was quicker, moving to stand in front of Jaebum.

“Jaebum, leave it.” He commanded, pressing his palms to his leader’s chest, making him look away from the choreographer to finally lock eyes with the younger.

Youngjae could practically see the anger rolling off him in waves, fists clenched but shaking. Jaebum hadn’t gotten this angry in years, and it was obvious that seeing the cracks in his own composure terrified the leader.

“Hey,” Youngjae continued, voice softer now that he had his attention. “Just ignore him, we only need him to teach us the dance and then you can have nothing to do with him. Ok?” Youngjae reasoned, his hand reaching down to hold Jaebum’s own.

Youngjae rubbed his fingers over the tense knuckles in soothing circles,  Jaebum’s shoulders visibly relaxing and his gaze softening.

“Don’t let him ruin all your hard work.” Youngjae murmured, so only Jaebum could hear. His leader’s fist unclenched only to intertwine his fingers with Youngjae’s, squeezing them gently in thanks, before letting go.

Youngjae’s hand missed the warmth and weight of the other boys instantly, but he tried to push that aside as Jaebum stepped past him to face the choreographer. The others all looked deadly serious.

Any laughter from earlier was a distant memory.

Jinyoung had stood up at some point, probably in case he needed to step in and calm Jaebum down, his body screaming worry. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Youngjae vaguely noted that Mark’s hand still clutched Jinyoung’s trembling one.

“I hope you’re finally ready to act in a professional manner?” Dae-Jung asked, unimpressed with what he, no doubt, saw as unnecessary dramatics.

“Of course. I apologise for delaying practice.” Jaebum gritted out, jaw clenched. Youngjae knew how much this was killing him, Jaebum hated conceding a fight especially if he thought he was in the right, but he was doing it for the team.

“Then let’s get started.” Dae-Jung smiled as if nothing had happened.

***

Thankfully, the new choreography was complex and tiring. It was distracting enough that the tension barely hung around them while they practiced.  By the end of the lesson all of them were too out of breath to speak anyway, so they just lay there sprawled on the cold practice room floor for several minutes.

However, the second Dae-Jung left Jaebum broke the silence.

“I hate him.”

“We all do.” Jackson groaned, sitting up to grab some water, chugging half the bottle down in one go. “He has no right to talk to you guys like that.” He said, shaking his head and reaching a hand out to help Jaebum up.

“I could care less about what he says to me.” Jaebum huffs, taking Jackson’s hand and pulling himself up with a grunt. “He better just stay the fuck away from Youngjae.” He threatened, heading over to the battered mini-fridge to get his own bottle.

“I really am fine.” Youngjae sighed, propping himself up on his elbows to see the others better. Jinyoung, who had collapsed beside him when the had music stopped, rolled over onto his stomach to face Youngjae.

“How come you didn’t tell us?” he asked, comfortingly rubbing a hand up and down the younger’s calf. “You know we could’ve helped…” Jinyoung trailed off, unsure of what to say.

“It’s not that big of a deal, I need to lose the weight anyway. He wasn’t wrong.” Youngjae mumbled, picking at a loose thread in his sweats.

“What?! Are you kidding me?” Jaebum exclaimed, turning round to face Youngjae. He began walking over to the younger, a fresh bottle of water in his hand. Jaebum stopped beside Jinyoung, crouching down to be at Youngjae’s eye level.

“You lost so much weight when you were sick, I was worried for a while. You’re perfect right now.” He said, hand landing on Youngjae’s knee, holding out the bottle of water for him to take.

Youngjae was glad they were all so red-faced from the exerting practice that no one would notice his face flush from Jaebum’s words and actions. He took the much-needed water and pulled his leg away as discreetly as possible, crossing his legs.

Youngjae pretended not to see the way Jaebum’s hand hovered in the air for a second before dropping to his side, his face disappointed.

“Where’s mine?!” Jinyoung complained suddenly, smacking Jaebum’s arm playfully, going to swipe the bottle from his leader’s grip. Youngjae appreciated how Jinyoung so easily diffused the tense atmosphere. He always knew when the topic of conversation needing changing.

“In the fridge, go get it yourself, princess.” Jaebum laughed, moving his bottle out of Jinyoung’s reach and downing the remains in one go.

“Ah! So refreshing! The most delicious water I’ve had in my whole life!” Jaebum joked, laying it on thick just to piss Jinyoung off.

“Hilarious, you should become a comedian.” Jinyoung deadpanned.

“Here, Jinyoungie.” Mark murmured, settling down beside him, prodding his arm gently with a water bottle fresh out of the fridge.

“Ah, Mark! I can always count on you,” Jinyoung cheered, throwing his arms around Mark’s neck, the latter nearly falling over as a result of Jinyoung’s exaggerated joy. “Unlike some people,” Jinyoung added, sticking his tongue out at Jaebum, who rolled his eyes in response. They all fell back into easy, exhausted conversation, prolonging their break longer than they should. Youngjae watched Jaebum beside him, uncharacteristically quiet. 

“Thanks," Youngjae muttered, scooting closer to Jaebum, suddenly very focused on the uninteresting plastic bottle cap. "I don’t just mean the water.”

“Anytime,” Jaebum replied, voice tight as his smile.

Chapter Text

The days that followed the confrontation with Dae-Jung compromised of getting the dance perfect and working on their own song compositions.

Jinyoung had been not so discreetly enforcing that they have three sit-down meals a day together as a group, even with their hectic practice sessions. While Youngjae appreciated how much the older cared for him he had so much to do and it was a little overwhelming to try fit it all in.

He really could do with missing some meals regardless of the diet just so he could work on songs. 

He was working on several at the moment, all inspired by cheesy grins and two cute eye moles. He'd stay up late finding things to do to pass the time, jotting down song ideas, terrified of the thought that a certain someone might plague his idle mind before sleep grabs hold.

One morning while everyone headed to their own workrooms to write and produce, Jaebum approached Youngjae in the hall.  

"Hey! I was thinking," he started, hand wrapped around Youngjae's bicep causing the younger’s face to embarrassingly heat up. "What if we collabed again like we did with 1:31 am, the fans would love it, I could even try convince JYP to let it be a duet with just the two of us, you could play the piano on the track and everything!" Jaebum was clearly excited, probably had thought this all out down to the last detail in order to convince Youngjae.

And it was tempting.

He couldn’t ignore the momentary surge of pride and happiness he felt at Jaebum’s suggestion. He had picked Youngjae out of all six of them.

Even though it was stupid it made him feel special for a second. Him and Jaebum writing a song together, something undeniably theirs actually on the album for millions of people to hear.

But Youngjae couldn't let himself give in. It hurt too much being close to Jaebum. He couldn’t allow himself to become any more attached when Jaebum still remained so unreachable.

Maybe a clean-cut would be better. It would hurt everyone less in the long run.

Youngjae’s stomach turned at the idea of Jaebum finding out how messed up he was. There was no way he’d be able to hide how he felt if the two of them had to spend hours in one of their tiny work rooms, alone.

They needed distance.

Youngjae hated having to hurt the older, but this was the only way he could get by till the feelings went away. 

"So, like, I don't know what you're feeling, maybe an R&B track or a more traditional ballad-y feel-"Jaebum rambled on as he dragged Youngjae to his cupboard-turned producing room.

"I don't want to." Youngjae blurted out, stopping in his tracks. Jaebum still held his upper arm, confusion painted his features as if the younger had suddenly started speaking French.

"Oh…that's cool, um, we can do whatever genre-" Jaebum continued with uncertainty, trying to make sense of the situation.

"No, I don't want to collab. I just wanna focus on my own stuff for once." Youngjae grit out, voice leaving no room for argument.

"Oh." The quiet exhale from Jaebum hung in the air between them, awkward and out of place. His hand dropped from Youngjae’s arm reluctantly as he took a step back, gaze falling to his feet. "Okay." Jaebum's face was closed off when he looked back up to meet Youngjae’s eyes.

It killed Youngjae to know that he was the reason behind those once sparkling eyes’ careful blankness.

***

Weeks passed wherein Youngjae and Jaebum barely interacted beyond what was necessary. With their upcoming comeback, none of the members took much notice. However, it was near the end of comeback prep that they were finally forced to spend time together.

It was all Jinyoung's doing. The three vocalists needed to re-record their parts in a song because the mic had picked up background noise. It was Jinyoung who had suggested they go out after as it was their day off and the others already had plans.

Mark was in the dorm sleeping while the two youngest members and Jackson were off doing god knows what. Youngjae could hardly say no to Jinyoung's offer without raising suspicion after the stunt Dae-Jung pulled.

So that’s how he found himself with an overly-chirpy Jinyoung who was chattering about chicken places while Youngjae and Jaebum both stared resolutely ahead on either side of the couch.

Youngjae cursed the mic system, which really should’ve been replaced by now, for deciding to act up on just their sessions. He cursed Jinyoung for noticing the tension between him and Jaebum and bringing it upon himself to fix it.

But most of all he cursed his idiotic heart that had started beating faster the second had Jaebum walked in. Clearly, the distance wasn’t having any effect yet if all it took to give him heart palpitations was Jaebum in an oversized hoody that did not make Youngjae want to cuddle the older at all.

Well, maybe a little but that’s beside the point. All this pining was honestly getting old.

Youngjae just wanted his best friend back.

“I mean, it really depends, I guess, on how far we’re willing to walk-” Jinyoung prattled on before Jaebum rudely interjected.

“Where the hell is Jin-soo? He said to be here at three and we’re all here. Not very professional, is it?” Jaebum asked incredulously, sarcasm lacing his tone. He didn’t forgive and forget easily.

“Not every JYP staff is an ass, chill, it’s only five past anyway.” Jinyoung quipped, settling back into the couch with a sigh.

Jaebum looks about two years old as he sulks on the couch, crossing his arms with a little huff, an adorable pout taking over his face. He looked so soft like this.

Even just staring at his leader too long seemed to hurt Youngjae, but he couldn’t make himself stop. As if feeling the weight of the younger’s stare, Jaebum turned and glared at the other vocalist causing Youngjae to start.

“Oh my god, Jinyoung, did you see that?! Youngjae looked my way for the first time in weeks, it must be a miracle! Next thing you know we’ll be winning a daesang.” Jaebum exclaimed mockingly, grabbing hold of Jinyoung’s forearm and shaking it exaggeratedly.

“I don’t know what-” Youngjae tried.

“Stop saying that.” Jaebum snapped, leaning across Jinyoung so he could see Youngjae better. “You know exactly what you’re doing.” He spat out, jabbing a finger in the younger’s direction. “I’m the one in the dark here, so don’t even.” He finished, seething as his back hit the couch once more.

Youngjae wished he could explain how this was the only way but he just sat there with a tongue as heavy as lead and a heavier heart.

“Look, I’m not sure what’s up but-” Jinyoung started, clearly having anticipated something like this happening at some point in the evening.

He was interrupted again, however, by Jin-soo deciding to suddenly burst into the small recording room.

“Sorry, guy’s, traffic was hectic. Hope you weren’t waiting too long. I know it’s your day off so let’s get this done as quickly as possible, okay? Who wants to go first?” the older man rushed, shrugging off his jacket.

“Me.” Youngjae shot up from his seat without hesitation. He needed to get out of there before he said something he’d regret.

“Oh, that’s great. It’s actually your song that needs fixing up.” Jin-soo laughed rooting through his bag.

‘Of course,’ Youngjae thought bitterly ‘of course it’s mine that’s fucked up’.

“Which one?” Jinyoung asked.

“Sick.”

***

It was ironic really.

Youngjae standing there, singing the song he’d written for Jaebum with so much passion while he just sat there. Jaebum had no idea it was about him and he never would if Youngjae had his way.

Life really wasn’t fair.

Youngjae imbued the words with as much emotion as he could. It was like he was trying to make Jaebum understand the pain Youngjae had felt when he wrote it. The pain he felt every day just being around Jaebum.

It was as Youngjae sang the last line that he opened his eyes and caught Jaebum’s through the glass.

“This is what I’m telling you,
I hope that you listen to this song....”

Time seemed to freeze as Youngjae’s voice trailed off, his gaze never wavering. Youngjae couldn’t look away from the older. It was like he was in a trance.

Youngjae’s vision blurred as his eyes filled with tears, threatening to spill over. It was all too much. It was all too real.

Youngjae felt so exposed and it terrified him. What if Jaebum or Jinyoung saw through him?

He needed to get out of there. Youngjae knew he couldn’t cry in front of Jinyoung and he would never let himself cry in front of Jaebum.

No matter how many times Jaebum listened to this song, he’d never understand. It was pointless, the whole thing. Youngjae almost wished he could delete the track entirely.

It was such a joke. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t listen to Jaebum singing his song.

Choking back a sob, Youngjae ripped the headphones off and ran for the door, not daring to look back at the others. He forced himself to ignore Jinyoung and Jaebum’s questioning shouts as he ran blindly through the halls.

***

Youngjae doesn’t know how he made his way to the dorm without being knocked over by a dozen cars. He could barely get his key in the door with how much he was shaking but somehow he did.

Youngjae didn’t even dream of attempting to sneak into his room. He knew the chances of waking Mark were far too risky.

Instead, he made a beeline for the bathroom. In his unstable state Youngjae didn’t think to lock the door, a mistake he’d sincerely come to regret.

He’s not sure how long he sat there on the edge of the bath. Twenty minutes? Half an hour?

It felt like an eternity of endless sobbing.

With every shuddering breath, a new wave washed over him. Conscious of Mark sleeping two doors down, Youngjae muffled the pathetic sounds with his hand while the other held him upright as he shook mercilessly.

All things must come to an end, thankfully, because soon the sobs dissipated into soft whimpers and sniffles. Youngjae’s eyes seemed to have finally run out of tears.

It was with a sigh that Youngjae stood up and made his way to the mirror. He needed to clean up, put on a mask of sorts and sell a lie to Jaebum and Jinyoung. He’d blame the diet, say it was making him hormonal.

Youngjae was in the middle of splashing water on his face when he heard the sound of keys in the front door. They all couldn’t be home already, could they?

He froze when he heard footsteps padding gently throughout the dorm, opening and closing doors along the way. Youngjae held his breath as the shuffling got closer and felt his heart sink as the bathroom door swung open.

He heard the soft intake of breath and just knew who he was going to see when he looked in the mirror. Youngjae finally willed himself to look up, his back still to the door and looked directly into the eyes of the person he loves the most.

Jaebum.

“Here you are.” Jaebum breathed out.

“Here I am,” Youngjae responded bitterly, gaze falling back to his clenched knuckles which were gripped around the sink’s edge.

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere. What happened back there?” Jaebum started softly, moving past the threshold and closing the door. Youngjae could see the older making moves to come up behind him and he suddenly felt cornered.

“I’m fine! Just leave me alone.” Youngjae snapped, his shoulders stiffening.

“Not when you’re like this, you’re not fine, just tell me what’s going on. I can help.” Jaebum reasoned in his best leader voice, stepping closer with his hand extended.

“No!” Youngjae yelled, recoiling at Jaebum’s touch. “You can’t. You’re the last person who’d be able to help.” He whispered brokenly, tears of frustration threatening to take hold.

Why couldn’t Jaebum just let him wallow in peace until all of this went away? Why did he have to make this ten times harder by being so caring?

“I know we’re not as close as we used to be-” Jaebum tried again.

“Please, just get out already. ” Youngjae shouted, finally turning around to face Jaebum head on. “Why can’t you get it through your stupid head that I don’t want you here!” the younger spat, all the sadness and longing and anger of these past few months finally bubbling over.

“Look, it’s obvious something’s going on from your songs.” Jaebum barked, his voice rising as he prickled at Youngjae’s blatant rejection. “I’m just trying to do my job as a leader and make sure you’re ok.”

“That’s none of your business,” Youngjae said rigidly, tension rolling off of him in waves.

“I know,” Jaebum sighed, fidgeting with his too long sleeves, “but I’m worried, we all are. Your songs recently have all been so sad, like, I mean, is there a girl you like or a girl you’re involved with? Cuz it’s ok we don’t have to tell the manager-” Jaebum tried to reassure in a placating, awkward tone.

Really? This is what they all thought? That Youngjae had somehow managed to find a girl who liked him and was stressed about hiding it from the company? Of course, that would be the first thing Jaebum would think of.  

“Hah! A girl? I wish he was a girl.” Youngjae laughed darkly, venom coating every word. He faltered at the look of confusion that overcame Jaebum’s face as he realised what he had just implied.

“He?” Jaebum questioned. His voice was oddly calm, head cocked to the side as his eyes bored into Youngjae.

 “No! No, no,” Youngjae rushed, stumbling over his words in his hurry to get them out. “I didn’t mean it. This didn’t happen. This can’t be-” he panicked, grabbing his hair as he pushed past Jaebum to reach the door.

“Are you saying those songs are about a man?” Jaebum asked, turning to pin Youngjae down with a chillingly blank stare.

“Jaebum, please,” Youngjae pleaded, backing away towards the door. “Let’s just forget this.” He suggested, reaching out to place his hands on Jaebum’s chest like he had done only a few weeks before.

This seemed to flick a switch in Jaebum whose face immediately darkened as he shoved Youngjae’s hands away without a second thought. Youngjae barely had time to register it before he felt Jaebum’s fists grab his shirt collar and pull him uncomfortably close.

“Do you like men?” Jaebum asked in a low voice, his entire body tense and on edge.

Youngjae stayed mute, fear running through his veins. He tried to reach for the door handle but Jaebum caught the movement in his peripheral vision.

“Answer me!” the older boy snarled, shaking Youngjae violently.

The younger boy only whimpered in response, enraging his leader further.

Youngjae felt pain shoot up his back as Jaebum slammed him up against the bathroom door hard, hands rumpling Youngjae’s shirt. He looked wild, with his eyes darting between Youngjae’s own and his trembling lips. Youngjae thought Jaebum had never looked more perfect than he did then with his hair tangled from being pulled on, his eyes wide and so, so dark that Youngjae nearly lost himself in them. Jaebum’s breaths were heavy and he was so close Youngjae could feel every exhale fanning his face, tickling his cheeks. He was getting closer and Youngjae could barely breathe, his heart racing and palms sweaty.

‘This can’t be happening’, Youngjae thought as Jaebum leaned ever closer. He was so close that some desperate part of Youngjae almost thought Jaebum was going to finally-

“You disgust me.” Jaebum spat out, shoving Youngjae against the closed door for emphasis.

Youngjae’s whole world crashed down around him at those words.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this to all of us. Do you have any idea what would happen if anyone else found out? Our careers would be ruined! Everything we’ve worked so hard to get? Gone! And it would be all your fault for being so messed up. For not being normal like the rest of us.” Jaebum ranted, each word cutting into Youngjae sharper than the last.

This was every nightmare he’d ever had rolled into one horrific reality.

“And to think I felt sorry for you. If I had known I wouldn’t have bothered. This is wrong, what you’re feeling. You’re broken. You need help before this fucks the rest of us up. I can’t believe we used to share a room. I bet you really fucking liked it, didn’t you, pervert? Ugh, I feel sick just thinking about it. Maybe I should warn Mark.” Jaebum continued, a hateful rage seeping into every breath.

Youngjae couldn’t even look at him anymore as the tears came back with a vengeance. The hateful words were cutting deep enough that Youngjae could barely feel how the door handle was painfully digging into his spine at first. It was when Jaebum leaned all his weight on Youngjae, pressing him further into the door that he felt it flare up.

Youngjae whimpered through the pain, uselessly pawing at Jaebum’s sleeve in an attempt to get the older to release him.

The elder’s eyes were glazed over, his gaze fixed on the wall behind Youngjae, a clear sign he was lost to Youngjae right now. Jaebum’s hands were shaking as he muttered indistinctly, words Youngjae wasn’t sure he wanted to understand floating in the air between them.

“Mom…not again… he’s sick…” is all Youngjae could pick up and honestly he had no idea what the elder was talking about. He was too afraid to ask, too afraid to speak at all. All Youngjae wanted to do was touch him and fix this. He wouldn’t be able to talk Jaebum down like he used to, things had changed forever but he had to try.

‘This is the worst episode he’s ever had. Much worse than the fight with Dae-Jung was.’ Youngjae still worried about Jaebum despite the cruel words he had spewed at him.

With shaking, hands of his own Youngjae moved to cover Jaebum’s fist with his palm. The second their skin touched, however, Jaebum seemed to snap back to reality and pulled back as if he’d been burned.

“Don’t fucking touch me, you’re going to spread it, make me just like you. I don’t even know why I’m wasting my time on you. You better fucking fix yourself and be a man like the rest of us. Understand me?” Jaebum demanded, his chest heaving as his fists still shook by his side.

All Youngjae could do was numbly nod along, his voice gone.

He felt empty inside. His first love hated him. Jaebum found the mere idea of him in a romantic context sickening. That broke Youngjae in ways he never knew he could be.

“I can’t even fucking look at you right now.” Jaebum rasped, his voice worn out from use. He pulled Youngjae one last time by the collar to shove him in the direction of the sink so he could exit the bathroom.

Youngjae trained his eyes on the bath mat as he stumbled, tracing the patterns in his mind as he heard Jaebum storm out of the dorm.

With the slamming of the front door, Youngjae’s dam burst and he fell to the ground, a broken, loveless mess.

Chapter Text

A muffled bang jolted Mark awake. He blinked as his head ached from lack of sleep, the nap really hadn’t helped much.

‘The others must be home already. How long did I sleep?’ Mark thought groggily.

He stretched his arms over his head, smiling sleepily as he received a satisfying pop in response. Coco stirred beside him, rolling over in her sleep as Mark scratched behind her ears.

Jinyoung always said he hated when Mark napped in his room with Coco but more often than not the older woke up to Jinyoung beside him, Coco curled up on his chest.

Mark listened out to try to distinguish which one of the members was making so much noise. All he could pick up was a sharp yell of “Understand me?” through the walls. With a furrowed brow he got up to investigate.

Whoever it was sounded like they were really pissed.

Quietly, Mark opened Jinyoung’s door to an empty living room, which just confused him further ‘til he heard a low, dangerous voice that he recognised to his left.

“I can’t even fucking look at you right now.” He heard Jaebum’s hoarse voice say. It sounded like it was coming from the bathroom.

‘Who the hell is he talking to?’

Mark considered checking up on him, but before he could make a move the bathroom door flew open. Mark involuntarily stepped back, unsure of himself. Jaebum seemed to pass him by in a blur as if unaware of his surroundings.

“Hey, man, you alright?” Mark called to him but the leader didn’t register Mark’s words or presence as he stormed towards the front door. Mark started to follow him but was stopped in his tracks by a single whimper.

The front door slammed as Mark padded towards the bathroom, dread pooling in his stomach. The bathroom door was slightly ajar and as he got closer he could hear the unmistakable sound of sobbing.

His heart sank as he slowly pushed the door open to reveal Youngjae curled in on himself, hyperventilating with sobs wracking his body.

“Youngjae...” Mark started softly, edging slowly into the bathroom. Youngjae didn’t seem to hear him even when Mark was crouched in front of him, calling his name in an attempt to coax in him out of his ball.

“Youngjae.” He tried again reaching out to touch Youngjae’s arm. The younger instantly recoiled, yelling out and looking up at Mark with unfiltered fear in his eyes.

“Hey, hey, I’m sorry,” Mark backtracked holding his hands up in surrender. “I’m not going to touch you again, just keep looking at me ok?” The older assured.

He couldn’t believe how stupid he’d been. Of course, Youngjae would startle. Mark felt terrible, but at least he had gotten him to uncurl himself enough to maintain eye contact.

Youngjae still had his arms wrapped around his legs, hugging them to his chest as his eyes flitted around the room. Mark moved his head into the younger’s eye line trying to grab his attention once more.

“Hey, remember you have to keep looking at me, my eyes,” Mark said firmly.

“I-I’m s-sorry, I’m so-so, so sorry, I can’t make it stop, i-it hurts, why won’t it stop? H-he was r-right I’m br-broken.” Youngjae rushed out so fast Mark could barely catch it all.

“You’re ok,” Mark reassured him calmly though on the inside he was shaking. He knew he had to be strong for Youngjae. “Just focus on me.”

Youngjae managed to keep eye contact but Mark could tell he was still panicking as the speed of his breathing never slowed. He knew he needed to distract Youngjae from whatever was causing this but how?

“Hey, Youngjae, what’s 100 minus 7?” Mark blurted out, an idea hitting him.

“W-what? I-I don’t, I don’t know, I can’t think I can’t breathe I just can’t.” Youngjae rambled out looking even more distressed.

“It’s ok, I’ll help. Look, 100 take away one is 99, right? So, let’s just keep going. Take another one away and we have 98. Count out loud with me.” Mark explained, using his hands to knock off the numbers.

Youngjae mouthed the numbers along with Mark, his eyes never leaving the elders until he was counting out loud with him.

“Good job, so it’s 93, right? Take another 7 from that.”

Youngjae was breathing heavily, but slower than before. Tears still streamed down his cheeks, making him sniffle intermittently.

“86.” Youngjae hiccoughed, wide eyes trained on Mark.

“Exactly, let’s breathe as we count down in sevens, ok?” Mark suggested, demonstrating with a deep inhale of breath and a steady exhale.

“Come on, do it with me, Jae,” Mark said, breathing in again, holding his breath and waited for the other boy to mimic him. Relief washed over Mark as Youngjae sucked in a breath through his nose.

“Great, now out through your mouth,” Mark continued exhaling as slow as he could, grinning as Youngjae copied his pace. “There it is.”

“79” Youngjae breathed out.

“What?” Mark questioned, confused for a second until it clicked. “Yes! That’s right, let’s keep going.” He corrected himself, breathing in again, measuring his breaths with Youngjae’s.

***

Youngjae had calmed down enough to move from the bathroom to their shared bedroom across the hall, but he was by no means ok. Youngjae stared blankly ahead, silent tears tracing paths down his face, his hands continuing to tremble as he sat on the edge of his bed. Mark’s eyes flitted around their room, looking for any sort of distraction, his gaze alighting on a basket of fresh laundry.

“Hey Jae,” Mark broke the silence, startling Youngjae out of his thoughts. “Jinyoungie did our laundry earlier before you guys left. Would you mind helping me fold them?” Mark asked as lightly as he could, gesturing to the huge mound on his bed. Youngjae looked at the clothes and back at Mark nodding wordlessly before standing up with a sigh.

The pair folded in silence for a while.

When Mark saw they were coming to the end of the pile he glances over at Youngjae. The monotony of the task seems to have helped the younger considerably as the tremors in his hands have all but ceased along with the tears.

“So, you came home early?” Mark asked, voice soft and tentative, re-folding a shirt to keep them busy for longer.

“Yep.”

“Are the other two still recording?”

“Dunno.”

A moment of silence.

“The others will be home soon,” Mark added.

“Mm-hm”

“Do you wanna get take-out? They’ve probably already eaten.”

“Not hungry.”

“Youngjae, don’t let this diet stress you out, it’s not something to get upset ov-”Mark began, thinking the lack of food was behind Youngjae’s distress.

“It’s not the diet.” Youngjae interrupted in a frustrated tone, balling up the shirt he had been holding in his hand.

“You don’t have to tell me what’s going on,” Mark sighed, turning to Youngjae. “It’s really none of my business, but I know you were arguing with Jaebum, I heard you two in the bathroom.”

Mark could see the panic flare in Youngjae once more and instantly regretted his words.

“What did you hear? How much did you hear?” Youngjae pressed, worriedly turning to face Mark again, grabbing at the elder’s sleeve.

“Woah, woah, it's ok! I didn’t hear anything, I swear. I just heard Jaebum shouting, I couldn’t make out what he was saying.”

Mark paused.

“Was it about the recording? Look I know he can be intense sometimes but I’m sure he’ll apologise. He could never stay mad at you.”

His attempts at reassurance didn’t work, however, as Mark watched Youngjae’s face fall at his last words.

“Not this time,” Youngjae replied miserably, shaking his head as tears slowly filled his eyes once more.

“C’mere.” Mark simply said, holding out his arms in invitation. Youngjae flung himself at the other boy, wrapping his arms around Mark’s shoulders, burying his face in the elder’s hoody.

“Sssh, it’s ok, I’ve got you,” Mark whispered, rubbing Youngjae’s back soothingly.

“I-I’ve ruined every-everything, Mark, he found out.” Came Youngjae’s muffled response.

“No, no it’s only one fight. Jaebum loves you, we all do.”

“He doesn’t. He thinks I’m disgusting and he’s right.” Youngjae sniffled.

At this Mark pulled back, hands on Youngjae’s shoulders, looking him dead in the eye.

“You’re not disgusting, nothing you could do would ever make us think that.”

“I’m not normal,” Youngjae whispered out brokenly.

“Youngjae, what did Jaebum find out?”

Youngjae just shook his head, unable to meet Mark’s eyes.

Mark thought back over the last few months. He couldn’t deny things had changed between Youngjae and Jaebum. They were nowhere near as close as they used to be but he’d never expect them to fall out like this.

He tried to think what on earth would cause Jaebum to say something like that to Youngjae. The leader was honestly so weak for the younger vocalist and vice versa. Maybe, for one of them, those feelings went a little deeper though.

Mark felt like he was always seeing things that weren’t really there like some crazy fangirl. He knew he could read too much into how some members interacted. Jaebum and Youngjae particularly just seemed too close for it to be a simple friendship. But he knew it was probably just the fact he himself knows what it’s like to like someone more than he should.

He remembers one instance in particular, catching Youngjae looking at Jaebum a little longer than necessary as if their leader held the world on his shoulders. Mark hadn’t thought much of it because Youngjae had always had a soft spot for Jaebum, following him around like a little puppy.

What made the moment stick in his head was the face the Youngjae had made when he realised Mark had caught him. The younger’s face had gone almost alarmingly red and he had looked like he’d just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

‘Youngjae couldn’t possibly be gay, right?’

At the time Mark had been tempted to say something to him, but it was too risky. Mark couldn’t risk exposing himself based solely on intuition. He was probably just seeing what he wanted to see so he that he wouldn’t feel so alone anymore. But with the way, Youngjae was talking now…

Maybe Mark had been right. While Jaebum thought the sun shone out of Youngjae’s ass they all knew his family was super-conservative and didn’t really agree with the lifestyle that came with being an idol. There’s nothing else Youngjae could say that would make Jaebum react so bad except that.

“Youngjae, are you gay?” Mark blurted out, voicing his thoughts without a filter. Youngjae would have whiplash later from how fast he looked up, terror filling his eyes.

“No! No!” Youngjae panicked, shaking his head violently.

At the same time, Mark tried to calm Youngjae down, not really thinking about what he was saying beyond getting the younger to understand that it was ok.

“It’s ok! I’m gay too! Well, I mean, I’m bi. I like both, boys and girls, at the same time, I mean not together, shit, uh, how do I explain this?” Mark rushed out, stumbling over his words in his urgency.

Youngjae looked dumbfounded.

‘Oh shit, I’ve fucked up he’s straight as a ruler, isn’t he?’

Mark cursed his stupid ‘intuition’.

‘Well done, Tuan, you’ve just exposed your biggest secret. Wait ‘til the others-’ Mark’s self-berating was cut off by Youngjae throwing himself at the older boy once more. Mark uncertainly patted the younger’s back as he felt his shoulder dampen.

“Did I make this worse?” Mark questioned. He could feel Youngjae begin to shake with laughter against him as he shook his head, probably rubbing snot on his shirt.

“No, you made it better.” Came Youngjae’s muffled reply.

“Um, but you’re crying again.” Mark awkwardly pointed out.

“These are happy tears,” Youngjae said, finally stepping back to send him a watery smile. “You don’t hate me.”

“Of course I don’t. It’s nice to finally be able to tell someone in the group.” Mark grinned, ruffling Youngjae’s hair.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Youngjae whined, playfully smacking the elder’s chest.

 “Hey! Why didn’t you?” Mark laughed, swatting at Youngjae’s hands.

“Cuz I thought you were straight!” Youngjae replied exasperatedly.

“You shouldn’t make assumptions, Jae. Plus, I thought you were straight.” Mark teased, as he fell back on his bed. He felt the mattress dip under him as Youngjae sat beside him.

“You shouldn’t make assumptions, Markie.” Youngjae sing-songed, as the elder rolled his eyes.

“I don’t even know if I am though, y’know, that,” Youngjae continued, staring down at Mark’s quilt, tracing the pattern with his fingertip. “I’ve only ever liked him, no one else.”

Silence.

“Jaebum?” Mark questioned quietly, so as to not scare Youngjae off.

“Is it that obvious?” Youngjae laughed bitterly, looking up to meet Mark’s eyes.

“Lucky guess.” Mark sighed. He didn’t want to push Youngjae anymore but curiosity got the better of him.

“Youngjae? Did you, um, did you tell Jaebum how you feel?” Mark asked awkwardly, rubbing his neck for something to do while he averted his eyes.

“Ha! I’m not that stupid,” Youngjae laughed in a self-deprecating manner. “But he knows I like a guy and let’s just say he didn’t exactly agree with that.” Youngjae finished, smiling sadly down at Mark.

“Fuck that.” Mark burst out, sitting up in his rage. “It’s the 21^st century, we should be able to love whoever we want. Ignore whatever he said, he’s wrong.”

“He’s not wrong about everything. If the fans found out we’d be finished.” Youngjae sighed, frowning.

“Yeah, I mean, Korea’s not 100% about this yet but the chances of anyone finding out are slim, Jae. Look at me, none of you knew about me for years and I live with you all.” Mark pointed out. “Plus, now we have each other so we’re not alone anymore.”

“Sorry, Markie, you’re not my type.” Youngjae deadpanned, collapsing into a fit of giggles on the bed at Mark’s mortified face.

“You’re not mine either. You’re not sassy enough,” Mark retorted huffing like the mature adult he is. Youngjae slung his arms around the elder, cooing at his antics.

“But Jinyoung is?” Youngjae smirked.

Mark instantly stood up as Youngjae started chortling again.

“You know what? I think I hear Coco barking, I should go investigate-” Mark rambled, running his hands through his hair and fixing his shirt.

“Where is she anyway?”

“…Jinyoung’s room.” Mark admitted, blushing as Youngjae started cackling again.

“Shut up.” He said throwing a pillow at the younger.

***

After some much-needed pizza and chocolate Youngjae had fallen asleep on Mark’s bed, cuddling Coco in between them while the older scrolled through Instagram.

“Thank you, Markie, you’re the best.” Youngjae had mumbled sleepily before finally letting his eyes drift close. It had only been 6 in the evening but Mark thought the kid deserved some peace after the day he’d had.

He frowned as he thought about what Jaebum had done. Youngjae hadn’t gone into detail but Mark knew how scary Jaebum could be. He’d offered earlier while they were eating to kick Jaebum’s ass for Youngjae, only half-joking really, but the younger had vehemently declined.

Mark wondered whether Jaebum would tell the others or not. Youngjae seemed to think he wouldn’t because he wouldn’t want the company finding out. Mark had promised that no matter what happened, that if Jaebum outed Youngjae, Mark would out himself.

They were in this together now.

After all, Mark understood better than anyone what it’s like to pine after a bandmate who’s completely oblivious. As if on cue, their door flung open to reveal an irritated Jinyoung.

“Choi Youngjae, what is the point in having a phone if you’re not even going to answer when I-”Jinyoung ranted, only stopping short when he saw a sleeping Youngjae beside Mark.

“Shush, he’s sleeping. Let’s talk somewhere else.” Mark whispered, gesturing to the door. Jinyoung simply huffed, crossing his arms but following Mark out of the room and down the hall to the youngers room. The second the door closed behind Jinyoung, he turned on Mark.

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me he was with you? Earlier when I messaged you to ask if you were still at the dorm, cuz for some godforsaken reason I wanted to get food with you,” Jinyoung started, barely taking a breath before plowing on. “You were all like ‘oh no sorry bro, I’m not hungry’.” Jinyoung mocked in an honestly offensive imitation of Mark.

“Oh, but you just forgot to mention the fact you had Youngjae with you this whole time? While I was searching everywhere for him, ringing and texting all day? What the hell Mark?” Jinyoung finished, slightly out of breath, stress from the day clearly catching up with him.

“First of all, when have I ever called you ‘bro’?” Mark asked. Jinyoung’s eye twitched and he opened his mouth undoubtedly to continue chewing Mark’s ear off. Before he could Mark continued. “Second of all, how the hell was I supposed to know you were looking for Youngjae?” Mark asked, softer this time as he approached Jinyoung.

“Shit, you’re right. Look, I’m sorry, you know how I get.” Jinyoung conceded. “How is he, anyway? He left the recording studio without us and seemed really upset. Jaebum said he’d go find him but he’s not answering his phone either.” Jinyoung groaned, going to sit on the bed, rubbing his temples tiredly.

“He’s fine, he’s just been feeling a little rough cuz of the diet y’know?” Mark lied, sitting beside Jinyoung, close enough that their legs brushed. “Don’t worry, I force-fed him a large pizza,” Mark added, grinning proudly at Jinyoung. 

“Good, I worry about him.” Jinyoung sighed, reaching out to cover Mark’s hand with his own. “I worry about all the younger ones even though they’re only a little younger than me. I see them as little kids y’know?” Jinyoung murmured, leaning his head on Marks shoulder.

A non-committal hum was all Mark could manage as Jinyoung shifted a little to interlock their fingers. Mark knew he was torturing himself by letting Jinyoung get this close but it just felt so nice being like this with him.

It felt so domestic.

Mark could almost pretend when they had these conversations about the younger ones that they were actually talking about their own kids. He knew it was stupid but Jinyoung made him sappy like that.

“I know by the way.” Jinyoung suddenly announced, eyes still closed.

“What?!” Mark panicked, sitting up straight, jolting Jinyoung in the process. Had he been too obvious? Had he accidentally voiced his thoughts out loud? The younger still held Mark’s hand tightly in his own, keeping him on the bed.

“Don’t play dumb with me,” Jinyoung smirked, leaning into Mark’s space making the other involuntarily gulp.

“I know you were napping with Coco in here again, it reeks of dog and I know it’s not just you.” Jinyoung narrowed his eyes in feigned annoyance dramatically sniffing in Mark’s direction and wrinkling his nose cutely.

Mark released a breath he didn’t realise he was holding, sending a playful smile Jinyoung’s way.

“We both know you love Coco.” He teased, causing Jinyoung to roll his eyes as he settled his head back on Mark’s shoulder.

“Shut up.”

Chapter Text

Youngjae woke up without needing an alarm for the first time in years. He must’ve fallen asleep halfway through his conversation with Mark last night as he was still in Mark’s bed.

Youngjae rolled over, but couldn’t feel the warmth of the older boy. Sitting up, he glanced over to his own bed and found Coco curled up alone, lightly snoring.

Youngjae’s back hurt, but it was probably just from sleeping on someone else’s mattress. Youngjae felt around ‘til he found his phone and lit the screen up in the dark room. He ignored the twist of guilt he felt at seeing all the notifications from Jinyoung.

The screen read 4 am. Youngjae had slept for ten hours straight. He slid his thumb across the screen, unlocking his phone but still left Jinyoung’s messages unread. He would apologise in the morning for worrying him.

Instead, Youngjae opened his chat with Jaebum. The last thing he’d sent the elder was from weeks ago before they fell out over the collaboration. It was embarrassing, really, how fuzzy he felt looking over the derpy photos they’d sent each other.  

It was as he was smiling stupidly down at a particularly bad derp picture of Jaebum that he heard the front door open with a bang. One of the members must have gone out drinking or something. They were home so late.

Youngjae didn’t have to see whoever it was to know they were drunk. He could hear how they stumbled around the living room making loads of noise, probably bumping into stuff.  

Youngjae really hoped it wasn’t one of the babies. Jinyoung would be so annoyed if one of his kids were hungover tomorrow. While they didn’t have practice ‘til 11 am, going out and drinking really wasn’t a good idea with their comeback a little over two weeks away. It was when he heard a gentle thump and subsequent groan that Youngjae decided he best check-up on whoever it was.

Youngjae snuck out of his room, full of curiosity, only to find Jaebum lying face down on the couch, with one of his shoes still on and his hair a mess. He wasn’t sleeping though, as Youngjae could pick up some indistinct mumblings from the older. The younger didn’t know what to do.

Should he make his presence known? Or would that cause the Jaebum from earlier to reappear? If this was two days ago, Youngjae would’ve helped him to his room without a second thought.

Things were different now.

Jaebum might snap at him for even just being here, never mind how angry he’d get at needing the younger’s help. Youngjae couldn’t just leave him though. What if he got sick and choked on his own vomit? Sure, Youngjae was upset with Jaebum, but he wasn’t down for committing manslaughter.

Youngjae was ripped out of his morbid thoughts by Jaebum shifting so that he was lying on his back, his eyes closed. Youngjae edged closer to the sleeping leader, his nose scrunched. The smell off of him was something foul. Jaebum must’ve gone out drinking after their fight. Youngjae could make out what the older was saying now and it made him feel about ten different emotions all at once.

“Youngjaeeee…..” Jaebum whined pathetically, a hand reaching out to grab at thin air.

For a terrifying second, Youngjae thought Jaebum had seen him come in and was about to shout him down like he had only hours before, but Jaebum was completely out of it. If he was saying Youngjae’s name he was probably having a bad dream.

Youngjae stood above him and waited till he had quieted down entirely, making sure he was in a deep enough sleep so he wouldn’t wake up. Firstly, Youngjae took Jaebum’s remaining shoe off, placing it with the other by the door. Then he went to the kitchen, returning with a glass of water and two painkillers. He had a feeling Jaebum’s head wouldn’t be the clearest tomorrow. He couldn’t deny he felt a little dumb going to all this trouble for someone who has made it clear they don’t like him.

Youngjae couldn’t help himself.

He supposed it had only been a few hours. Maybe the feelings will fade once it’s sunk in just how much Jaebum hates him. Jaebum looked like a completely different person as he lay there drooling in his sleep, shivering a little, in the cold morning air.

Youngjae dropped the blanket they keep on the couch over Jaebum, tucking it up close to his chin. Kneeling there, Youngjae couldn’t help but feel his heart swell. Jaebum looked so vulnerable and honestly down right cute all snuggled up. Youngjae gently pushed Jaebum’s fringe off his forehead, carding his fingers through the strands, tugging softly as he scratched the other’s scalp.

Jaebum hummed contentedly in his sleep and Youngjae, like the idiot he is, felt himself smile. He pretended to not hear the little whine Jaebum let out as Youngjae tiredly stood up and headed back to his room.

***

Youngjae tossed and turned for a few more hours before his alarm went off, signalling he had to get up for real this time. The ache in his back still lingered in the morning like a fog, reminding him of how his mere existence made Jaebum’s stomach turn. He lay with his heart racing, feeling sick and shivery in the warm room.

Youngjae got up on shaky legs and headed down the hall to get washed up before everyone else stirred awake. The routine calmed him down. He showered, letting himself stand under the warm flow longer than normal, relaxing his tense muscles. Youngjae was thankful for the tedious skincare routine they had to abide by, keeping his hands busy and buying him time.

He knew there was no point pretending that everything would be the same as it had been before, but a part of him hoped it had all been some terrible nightmare. Maybe when he stepped out of the bathroom, Jaebum wouldn’t hate him or look at him like he did yesterday. It’d be like it never happened and they’d continue on as normal. Youngjae caught his reflection in the mirror and sighed. The bags under his eyes and dull pain in his back wouldn’t let him forget that easy.

‘At least my eyes aren’t red anymore’, he reasoned.

‘And the others don’t know. No one ever will. Jaebum wouldn’t do that. It’ll be ok. Mark is on my side. Remember what he said; we’re in this together.’

With this in mind, Youngjae twisted the door handle and walked into chaos. He was immediately hit in the face with a flying plush, causing him to stumble backwards as he reflexively caught what he now could identify as a Squirtle.

“Sorry, Youngjae,” Yugyeom apologised as he ran by, armed with several plushies. “Bam, I swear to god, you come back with my hoody right now or I will shove my Ryan bear up your ass!” the youngest yelled, flinging said plush at BamBam’s face.

“Yugyeommie!” Jackson shouted, chasing after the two youngest members. “You can’t kill Bammie yet! Our comeback’s soon.” Jackson argued, shielding BamBam with his body. “Wait ‘til after.” He added, laughing as BamBam began protesting.

“Did I hear someone say ass?!” Jinyoung yelled from his doorway, glaring daggers at the trio in front of him.

“It was Yugyeom!” Jackson and BamBam squealed in unison.

“Swear jar, now!” Jinyoung ordered, pointing at Yugyeom.

Youngjae was frozen in place while all of this happened. It almost seemed too good to be true. Nothing had changed. They were all still acting like their stupid selves. He felt like his secret was written all over his face but they still saw him as just Youngjae.

The sound of a door opening startled him out of his thoughts, his eyes flying to Jaebum’s door. However, it remained closed and it was Jinyoung’s door that opened to reveal a befuddled Mark with severe bed-head. The two locked gazes and Mark sent him a sleepy grin, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Youngjae’s eyes widened as he took in Mark’s appearance, he was wearing a pair of Jinyoung’s pyjamas and Youngjae couldn’t help but wonder…

“Tell Jinyoungie I’ll be out in a minute.” Mark yawned, pushing past Youngjae to use the bathroom.

“Wait!” Youngjae stopped Mark, grabbing his wrist. “Did you and Jinyoung...?” Youngjae trailed off giving Mark a knowing look.

“Did we what?” Mark asked confused. “Oh my god, Youngjae! Of course not.” Mark scolded, realisation dawning on his face. “He’s straight. End of discussion.” Mark whispered, sending Youngjae a sad smile as he closed the bathroom door.

Youngjae spent the next ten minutes grovelling to Jinyoung while the older prepared breakfast for them all, promising to do the washing up for a week as punishment for not answering his phone. By half nine they all were all in the kitchen waiting for a certain Im Jaebum to emerge from his room. Jackson went to go get him, coming back with no luck and broke the news to Jinyoung.

“Um, I think he went out last night. He smells like straight up vodka.”

“He what!?” Jinyoung snapped, standing up to go kick Jaebum’s ass himself before Mark stopped him with a hand on Jinyoung’s wrist.

“Let him sleep it off, we don’t have to be in ‘til 11 anyway.” Mark shrugged, pulling Jinyoung by his sleeve back into his chair.

“Someone needs to wake him, he just ignored me.” Jackson huffed. “Hey, Youngjae!” He exclaimed, an idea hitting him. “You have him wrapped around your little finger. See if you can coax him out of his nest.”

Youngjae felt himself stiffen, eyes darting up to meet Marks who was already looking at him. Mark started protesting on Youngjae’s behalf but the younger cut across him.

“No, it’s fine. There’s no harm trying, right?” Youngjae shrugged, trying to seem as casual as possible when on the inside he was freaking out. Mark’s eyes found his again as if to ask “you sure?”. Youngjae sent him a reassuring smile before standing up and heading to his old room.  

***

“What was that about?” Jinyoung murmured to Mark, while the others chatted nonsensically around them.

“What was what about?” Mark responded, dragging his eyes from Youngjae’s retreating back to stare down at his plate.

“The look you gave Youngjae just now.” Jinyoung leaned in to whisper in Mark’s ear. Was it just his imagination or did Mark’s shoulder tense for a second?

“Just roommate stuff.” Mark shrugged, sending a lazy smile at Jinyoung’s unsure gaze. The younger returned his smile but his stomach squirmed uncomfortably. Mark was lying to him, but the question was why?

Mark had always been a tough cookie to crack but Jinyoung had eventually worn him down to the point where they told each other everything. The boy beside him knew things about Jinyoung that not even Jinyoung’s family or Jaebum knew about and Jinyoung thought Mark had told him things he wouldn’t trust anyone else with. Yet here Mark was, pretending he hadn’t just lied to Jinyoung’s face, turning to Jackson to talk about some American rapper they both liked.

What was it Mark couldn’t tell Jinyoung but trusted Youngjae with? Was Youngjae taking Jinyoung’s spot as Mark’s best friend? Jinyoung subtly shook his head, trying to rid his mind of such petty thoughts. It was probably just his paranoia flaring up again.

***

Youngjae spends a good five minutes staring at Jaebum’s closed door, regretting every decision he’s ever made that landed him here. He could just go back to the kitchen and say he tried but couldn’t wake up Jaebum.

No one would ever be any the wiser, but the rational part of Youngjae knew he had to face Jaebum at some point and he’d rather do so without five pairs of eyes on them. Taking a deep breath he pushed open the door, peering his head around the frame. Jaebum lay there sprawled out on his back, an arm thrown over his face to protect his eyes from the sun streaming in.

“Jackson, I told you I’d be up in, like, twenty minutes. Leave me alone.” Jaebum groaned without glancing at the door.

“Um, sorry, Jinyoung told me you had to come get breakfast.” Youngjae muttered, watching as the older jolted upright at the sound of his voice. They made eye contact for a second before Jaebum looked away scowling at the wall beside Youngjae.

“Get out.” Jaebum ground out, jaw clenched.

“Look, Jaebum about yesterday-” Youngjae tried.

“Are you deaf?” Jaebum questioned angrily. “If you had listened to me yesterday you’d know I don’t want you anywhere near me. So leave.” Jaebum ranted, finally meeting Youngjae’s eyes with a disgusted glare.

“Ok, ok. I’m going.” Youngjae placated, hands raised in surrender, eyes trained on his feet. He was sick of showing Jaebum just how much he could hurt him. When he trains his gaze back on Jaebum, Youngjae’s face is blank and uncaring.

“I just wanna know, have you told anyone?” Youngjae asked, while Jaebum just sat there frowning down at his hands. The older scoffed at the question, shaking his head.

“I will if you don’t leave me the fuck alone. Now get out.” Jaebum growled, throwing himself back on the mattress, his back to the door.

“Gladly.” Youngjae managed before slamming the door behind him.

***

Later at practice when they were all taking a break, Jaebum offered to get snacks to make up for the fact he’d woken up late. He was glad to have an excuse to leave the practice room and Youngjae for a few minutes.

Jaebum was still a little irked by his fight with the boy earlier. Youngjae just couldn’t take a hint. Jaebum doesn’t want to associate himself with the likes of his kind. It just isn’t right. Jaebum was not raised to be friends with someone like that, they’d corrupt him just like they’d been corrupted.

He honestly couldn’t remember half of what happened yesterday in that bathroom, but he knew he’d lost his best friend. Jaebum had been so angry that all he had seen was black as he had stormed out of their dorm. He must’ve walked for miles before coming to his senses, finding himself in a random district of Seoul late at night.

Jaebum had wanted to forget so he had headed into the first bar he found and drank himself into oblivion. He remembers being woken up by the bartender who helped him into a taxi home. Jaebum doesn’t really remember much after that, but he had made it home in one piece at least. Maybe it was thinking over last night or maybe it was how Youngjae had had the audacity to confront him this morning or maybe it was just the hangover, but Jaebum was feeling petty. So instead of buying the usual seven snacks and drinks, they all liked he “accidentally” bought six.

“I’m back, guys!” Jaebum yelled, with his hands full as he kicked open the practice room door. Youngjae stayed sitting on the ground while the other five gathered around Jaebum. He handed out the stuff to each member one by one.

“I’m grabbing Youngjae’s for him. Which ones are his?” Mark asked Jaebum, not quite looking him in the eye. Jaebum pretended to look around for a second, coming up empty handed.

“Oh shit, I must’ve forgotten to grab him something.” He smiled at Mark innocently. “It’s probably for the best anyway, with his diet and all.” Jaebum shrugged nonchalantly. Mark looked unimpressed as he turned back to Youngjae who’d heard it all.

“It’s fine, Markie.” Youngjae smiled up at the older as he came to sit down beside him again. Jaebum’s eye twitched at the nickname. Why the hell was Mark letting Youngjae call him something so embarrassing?

“No, it’s not, Jae, but we can share.” Mark replies, dropping the snack bars on Youngjae’s lap.

Jaebum tried to ignore them as he went to sit with his back against the wall beside Jinyoung.

“Since when are they so close?” Jaebum grumbled to Jinyoung, who was currently ripping the label off his drink, staring at Youngjae and Mark.

“They’re roommates, I guess. How am I supposed to know?” Jinyoung muttered, not looking away from the two who were now whispering quietly to each other.

“Yeah, I know, but he doesn’t even let you call him Markie.” Jaebum pointed out, glancing sideways at Jinyoung.

“I’m aware.” Jinyoung bit out, hand clenching around his water bottle. “What’s your point?” he asked sharply looking over at Jaebum.

“Nothing, just sayin.”

Jaebum let it go. Jinyoung really didn’t seem in the mood.

“Thanks, by the way,” Jaebum added, “for the water and aspirin. My head woulda been killing me today without it.” He continued when Jinyoung just raised his eyebrows in question.

“That wasn’t me. If I’d seen you come home drunk you know I would’ve just let you suffer. Karma and all that.” Jinyoung said waving his hand vaguely as his eyes travelled back to Mark and Youngjae. “It was probably Youngjae. He used to look after you all the time when we’d come home from nights out, when I was too lazy to help your drunk ass.” Jinyoung reasoned, head cocked to the side in thought.

Jaebum couldn’t believe Youngjae would help him out like that after their confrontation yesterday. No one is that nice. Or that stupid. Did he think by doing Jaebum a favour he’d be in the clear? What an idiot.

“No, no, I’m not stealing your food.” Youngjae persisted from across the room, shoving the snacks back towards Mark. The older simply unwrapped a bar, taking a bite before holding it in front of Youngjae’s lips.

“Open up.” Mark insisted, making Youngjae sigh and open his mouth wide with a baby-like ‘aaah’. Mark proceeded to stuff half the bar in Youngjae’s mouth, laughing all the while as Youngjae half-choked on the bar and his own giggles.

‘Mark should be more careful,’ Jaebum thought ‘we can’t have Youngjae hurting his throat with Hard Carry promotions coming up.’

Jaebum was surprised Jinyoung wasn’t intervening yet, instead staring blankly in Mark’s direction.

“You have to bite into it, Jae!” Mark laughed as Youngjae did just that.

“You nearly killed me!” Youngjae screeched, playfully hitting Mark’s arms, resulting in an all-out tickle fight between the two. Youngjae couldn’t put up much of a fight for long, soon rolling on the ground, as he was the more ticklish of the two.

Jaebum swore he saw red as Mark proceeded to straddle Youngjae and tickle up and down his sides. Maybe he should’ve told Mark after all, so he could have his guard up like Jaebum. He knew he couldn’t tell anyone though because if the other guys found out it’d harder to keep it from JYP and Youngjae could end up leaving the group.

Jaebum doubted Youngjae would be able to handle the backlash and no matter how much it upset Jaebum to imagine Youngjae with a man in that way he’d never put the younger through that. He wasn’t going to be the reason someone had to run away ever again.

Jaebum stood up and was about two seconds away from breaking them apart when Jinyoung beat him to it.

“Ok, guys. Times up, we need to practice.” Jinyoung ordered, voice leaving no room for an argument while moving towards the sound system as they all groaned.

“Mark, stop messing around.” Jinyoung barked, not looking at the older boy.

Mark’s laughter died as his eyes followed Jinyoung across the room.

“Sorry Jinyoungie.”

Chapter Text

Within the next few weeks, things only got worse between Jaebum and Youngjae. It was the little things like how Jaebum would never talk to Youngjae directly anymore. The other members became his go-betweens.

Mark was the only one who refused to play along with it because he knew. Youngjae remembers the first time Jaebum had tried it with him. The three of them had been sitting watching TV in the dorm. Jaebum was, of course, sitting as far from Youngjae as physically possible but at least he could stand to be in the same room as the younger.

“Mark, could you ask Youngjae to pass me the remote?”  Jaebum had yawned, stretching his arms above his head.

“Ask him yourself, lazy ass,” Mark replied without any hesitation, not even deigning to look at their leader. Youngjae shifted uncomfortably as he saw Jaebum get up and leave the room in his peripheral vision. Next thing he knew he felt Mark moving on the couch to cuddle him.  

“He’s an idiot.” The older mumbled into Youngjae’s shoulder.

It only got worse when promotions started up as Jaebum seemed more determined to exclude Youngjae from the group. On one occasion they were backstage in one of the waiting rooms, chilling before they were due back on stage.

Youngjae was the last one to enter the room so everyone was already sitting and a quick scan of the room told him there were no available seats left. However, another look revealed that Jaebum was actually sitting in the middle of a loveseat, his legs spread, leaving no room for an extra person. Youngjae stood at the door fidgeting, his back and legs killing him from over-exertion until he heard Mark calling his name.

“Jae, you can sit here,” he grinned patting his lap.

“Come on, I won’t bite.” Mark winked.

With a roll of his eyes, Youngjae made his way over, smiling like a fool at how cringey his roommate can be. Youngjae didn’t see Jaebum’s foot dart out to trip him as he walked by the leader, causing the younger to fall flat on his face.

“Shit, Jae you ok?” Mark asked worriedly, wrapping a protective arm around Youngjae’s waist.

“Yeah, I’m just clumsy y’know?” Youngjae responded as brightly as he could even though he practically felt how Jaebum glared at Mark’s hand on his lower back.

Jaebum never outright insulted Youngjae in front of the others or physically hurt him like that first confrontation, but his actions tore Youngjae apart nonetheless. It was all these subtle little things that you wouldn’t think were that big of a deal by themselves. However, when it’s every day and you’re forced to live with the person it can be unbearable. Youngjae was just lucky to have Mark, although he had to convince his roommate multiple times a day that punching Jaebum was not the answer.

On top of all this, the pain in his back has gotten progressively worse and it’s slowing him down, he can barely keep up with the others. Youngjae doesn’t want to seem like he’s complaining. They’re all tried after music shows. They’re all feeling the strain at the moment. Especially this comeback with the dance being so hard and fast-paced. It’s really not that bad he just needs to start taking some painkillers and hopefully, the ache will fade.

Youngjae knows that if he goes to the doctor there’s a higher chance of him having to sit out on promotions and he refuses to do that to the fans. There’s probably only a month or so less of music show performances to do and then they’ll have a break before the end of year shows. He can rest then and just stick out the pain for now.

The one upside of their hectic schedule is it allows for little to no interaction between the members at the dorm. They’re all too exhausted to shower sometimes, never mind hanging out. Youngjae and Jaebum have managed to avoid each other the whole time pretty much. Youngjae is far too tired and sore at the end of every day to think about how Jaebum purposefully stood as far away from him as he could during their encores.

But of course, Youngjae can’t have a shred of peace for too long as they’ve started filming Got2day this week. Normally he likes the mini-interviews with the other members as the staff pretty much just film them messing around. Plus the fans love it and Youngjae loves reading all the comments they leave, getting Mark, Jackson, and BamBam to translate the ones he can’t understand.

However, today Jaebum and Youngjae were scheduled to film and he’s the opposite of excited. Youngjae’s standing in the hall, his hands shoved in his oversized hoody, waiting as the staff requested for Jaebum. Standing up for too long is even starting to hurt. He should’ve taken some painkillers before heading over. For a second, as he checked his watch, Youngjae worried that Jaebum just wouldn’t show up at all but then he saw the leader rounding the corner. Jaebum was on his phone not acknowledging Youngjae’s presence until he was standing beside the younger.

“Hey, the staff setting up in there or something?” Jaebum asked casually, putting his phone in his pocket and looking at Youngjae head on. The younger turned round to see if there was anyone else in the hall that Jaebum could possibly to be talking to but they were completely alone.

“Are you talking to me?”  Youngjae asked incredulously.

“Who else would I be talking to?” Jaebum laughed awkwardly, stuffing his hands in his short pockets.

“Are you serious right now? You’ve acted like I don’t exist for the past few weeks. How am I supposed to know you’ve finally deemed me worthy to look at?” Youngjae demanded completely exasperated by the elders sudden 180.

“Well, we have to keep up appearances for the fans, right? I thought we might as well start now.” Jaebum explained, scuffing his shoes on the ground, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

“Our big performance can wait ‘til the camera’s rolling.” Youngjae scoffed, putting his hood up to block out the leader. Jaebum gave Youngjae the silent treatment for weeks. He could handle a few minutes of silence from the younger.

Thankfully it wasn’t long before the staff called them in and had the pair sit in front of the camera.

“Ok, we need to make sure you’re both in the frame. Jaebum could you move a little closer to Youngjae?” The director asked, not noticing Jaebum’s hesitation as she was looking down at her screen. The older pulled his chair so it was touching Youngjae’s but still positioned himself so that they wouldn’t accidentally brush against one another.

“Great, so we’re just going to start off with a simple intro mentioning Got2day. Go ahead when you’re ready.”

“How about we say Got2day together and hold up peace signs? The fans will think it’s cute, right?” Youngjae suggested, smiling angelically at all the staff.

‘He really is too much.’ Jaebum thought, frowning at the staff in an attempt to keep himself from smiling at the other vocalist’s cute demeanour. Jaebum couldn’t help but notice that the new young intern, whatever his name is, had started blushing, eyes going between Youngjae and the ground every few seconds.

“Or it could be cringey.” Jaebum voiced, surveying the snacks the staff had bought them which were stacked up against the wall.

“No! I think it’d be really cute. Your fans would love it, I know that I really like your idea Youngjae.”  Whatever-his-name-is piped up, looking a little too long at Youngjae for Jaebum’s liking as he came towards them.

“Ah thank you, um…..?” Youngjae smiled as the boy placed two iced coffees down on the table in front of them.

“Charlie. I’m new. Just moved from New York.” The kid smirked.

“Aw, your name is so cute!” Youngjae gushed, leaning forward to speak more to the other boy. Jaebum sat there confused as the two started speaking in English to each other, Youngjae getting progressively more excited as the intern leaned over the table.

It always irritated Jaebum a little when the others spoke in English because he ended up being left out of the loop but the way this random guy was blatantly ignoring him downright pissed him off.

“Charlie, come help set up the lights.” The director called, slightly scolding the boy for standing around chatting. ‘Good,’ Jaebum thought, ‘the kid was honestly being so unprofessional.’

“See you around, Youngjae.” The boy winked before going to help the others.

Youngjae was completely oblivious as he beamed back at the intern, waving enthusiastically.

It was going to be a long day.

***

It was one of the longest recordings Youngjae had had to do for Got2day. He could tell the staff was getting frustrated as the conversation just wouldn’t flow. The director had to keep prompting them with basic interview style questions.

It was both their faults, to be fair, as Youngjae spent half the time on his phone texting Mark. It’s just that every time Youngjae caught Jaebum’s eye it felt so awkward. Youngjae could tell Jaebum was just as uncomfortable as him even though he was the one who had suggested acting like they used to.

He was constantly playing with his earrings, a clear sign something was bothering him. Youngjae wasn’t much better himself as he kept his hands busy by cracking his knuckles, moving stuff around the table or fixing his glasses. It got so bad that they were at a point where they were just pulling at strings to hold a conversation.

Youngjae can’t even remember how they got to talking about hair and the benefits of short hair in particular, but they did. The staff looked so bored. Charlie was the only one still paying attention, sending Youngjae a little thumbs up every now and then. Despite the boring subject matter, this was the most natural they’d appeared so far.

Youngjae lost himself in talking about Jaebum’s ridiculous side shave he had for Fly promotions and his own tragic middle school haircut. He almost forgot for a second how much Jaebum hated him as they were laughing over one of Youngjae’s puns. He was trying to explain just how short his hair was back in school when he slipped up.

Youngjae, without thinking, reached his hand out to touch Jaebum’s hair as it was a better example than his own but stopped himself at the last second. Both he and Jaebum noticed how they had so easily slipped into old ways.

Jaebum awkwardly sipped his drink, leaning forward on the table and then awkwardly moving back as Youngjae had also leaned forward to grab something to show how short his hair had been.

The rest of the filming was full of more talk about the benefits of short hair and long drawn out pauses ‘til they closed the session with forcefully cheerful singing. The second the director yelled out ‘cut’ Youngjae could feel Jaebum stiffen and move as far away as he could.

Without the camera’s rolling there was no need to pretend anymore.  

Chapter Text

Jaebum felt bittersweet about the filming session coming to a close. On the one hand, it had been excruciating in the way neither of them seemed to know what to say at first. On the other hand, even if all of Youngjae’s laughter and joking had been fake, which Jaebum’s sure it was, Jaebum couldn’t deny he’d missed it. Youngjae’s personality was infectious, you couldn’t help but smile around him he was just so dazzlingly bright. He hadn’t talked to Youngjae like this in so long.

He’d almost forgotten how good it felt.

Jaebum’s chest felt a little lighter, the weight that’d been bothering him since the bathroom incident lifted for a moment. It had settled back when Youngjae had flinched, too afraid to touch Jaebum, reminding the older that things weren’t the same. This was all pretend. Youngjae and Jaebum weren’t friends anymore. They couldn’t be now that Jaebum knew what Youngjae was.

“Ok! Thanks, boys.” the director sighed, standing up to grab a clipboard. “Now, you’ve both handed in your written notes that are going to show up at the end, right? Oh, yeah, I have you both ticked off on the list. You can go.” She dismissed them without even glancing up.

‘Shit,’ Jaebum had forgotten about those notes. They’d done them weeks ago just before the incident. ‘What if Youngjae watches our one?’

Youngjae was already getting up and moving behind Jaebum to exit the room after thanking the staff while Jaebum remained frozen in place. ‘I have to change my note.’ Without a second thought, Jaebum stumbled out of his seat heading towards the director who was typing something on her phone.

“Actually, is there any way to change what we wrote?”

“No.” The director didn’t even look up from her screen.

After five minutes of useless attempts that ranged from charming smiles and pitiful begging, Jaebum was still told no. Frustrated, he walked through the building, praying Youngjae had already left for the dorm. Walking home with him was the last thing Jaebum needed. As usual, no one answered Jaebum’s prayers and he turned the next corner to find Youngjae and that intern at the other end of the hall.

Youngjae was laughing loudly, in that obnoxious way Jaebum loves, a hand lightly slapping the intern kid's arm. Jaebum watched in disgust as this stranger giggled and proceeded to hold Youngjae’s forearm, his hand slowly trailing down to hold Youngjae’s hand. The kid just blushed as Youngjae remained oblivious to the effect he was having on him. He muttered something Jaebum couldn’t understand at first but once he saw the phones being exchanged and numbers being saved Jaebum realised.

“Hey!” Jaebum calls out, making his presence known. The kid stepped back from Youngjae a little in surprise. ‘Good.’

“You ready?” Jaebum slung his arm around Youngjae’s shoulders. He ignores how startled the other looks and how his shoulders stiffen at the contact, staring at the intern. The kid’s eyes dart between Jaebum’s arm hung possessively around Youngjae and Jaebum’s frowning gaze.

“Oh, hello Jaebum. I didn’t get a chance to introduce myself earlier I’m-”

“Chad, yeah. I heard.”

“It’s Charlie,” Youngjae corrected, squirming a little to loosen Jaebum’s hold which only caused the latter to tighten his grip. “Sorry about him, his English isn’t great.” Youngjae apologised sending Charlie a sweet smile. Youngjae knew Jaebum was insecure about how hard he found English. The younger used to be so encouraging but that was back when they were friends. They were nothing now.

“Whatever. We have to go. Jinyoung texted.”

“Charlie and I are talking right now. You can go ahead.” Youngjae grit out around a fake smile, not sparing Jaebum a glance, and shrugging out of his hold. Jaebum wasn’t having that, holding onto his wrist instead.

“No, we have to go. Now. I’m sure Channing will understand.” Jaebum turned to Charlie sending him his most charming smile.

“Charlie.” Youngjae huffed, tugging a little at Jaebum’s grip.

“That’s what I meant. Y’know, bad English and all that.” Jaebum sweetly smiled at Youngjae, but his voice had an edge to it.

“Fine.” Youngjae sighed, sending Charlie an apologetic look.

“I’m sorry, I have to go but you have my phone number, right?” Youngjae asked as Jaebum started tugging him down the hall.

“Don’t be sorry. I’ll text you.” Charlie winked. “Oh, and it was nice meeting you Jaehyung!” He called to Jaebum’s retreating back causing Youngjae to snicker.

“You too, Chuck!” Jaebum yelled without a glance backwards, his hand still holding Youngjae’s wrist.

Once outside the building, Youngjae stops in his tracks causing his wrist to wrench out of Jaebum’s hold. The older had the audacity to look surprised.

“What’s your problem?” Youngjae demands, arms crossed.

“What? We have to go.” Jaebum shrugs, stuffing his hands in his pockets. Youngjae barks out a humourless laugh miles away from the warm one that had him doubled over only minutes ago.

“You were so rude to Charlie just now. Like, I get it. You hate me. But there’s no need for you to be mean to my friends. He hasn’t done anything.”

“Friends? Are you kidding me?” Jaebum laughs coldly. “You’ve known the guy, like, two seconds. He’s not your friend.” Jaebum finished with a shake of his head.

“He’s more of a friend than you are and I’ve known you years,” Youngjae says, face blank and emotionless as he pushes past Jaebum to start walking home.

Jaebum can’t help the spark of rage he feels at that comment as he follows behind Youngjae. It was a low blow, but Youngjae wasn’t wrong, was he? They could never go back to how they used to be.

“You can’t trust him.” Jaebum shakes his head, trying to keep his cool as he follows the younger boy. “Giving that kid your number is a bad idea and you know it. What if he posts it online?” At that Youngjae wheels round unexpectedly, his face inches from Jaebum’s, his eyes filled with anger.

“That isn’t what this is about and we both know it.” Youngjae hissed out.

“You just want to make my life a living hell, don’t you? What? Ignoring me isn’t enough anymore? Now you have to make sure I have no friends too?” Youngjae ranted, voice raising with each accusation, the full frustration of the past few weeks coming to the forefront.

“What? Are you afraid he’ll find out just like you did? You worried that he’ll leak my dirty little secret? Ruin-”

“Keep your voice down, someone could hear you.” Jaebum cut in, voice tight, looking anywhere but at Youngjae.

“You’re so predictable.” Jaebum can hear the disappointment in Youngjae’s voice. “It’s none of your business who I hang out with.”

“I’m your leader, so, it is my business.” Jaebum grits out, finally meeting Youngjae’s gaze. Youngjae’s eyes look glassy from unshed tears, but his voice is firm when he next speaks.

“You stopped being my leader the second you put your hands on me.”

The words hurt Jaebum more than he thought they would. It was stupid, really. He had been the one to cut off ties, to push Youngjae away. Jaebum couldn’t be friends with him anymore. He knew that and he thought he had accepted it, but the nauseous feeling he got at the others words proved otherwise.

It wasn’t this hard last time.

“Tell Jinyoung I’ll be home late. Don’t follow me.”

Jaebum watched as his best friend walked away, leaving him with an ache in his chest.

***

Mark was waiting up for him when Youngjae returned home, half asleep on the couch in one of his oversized hoodies. His roommate jerked fully awake when he heard the door open, calling out Youngjae’s name.

“It’s me, sorry, just needed to clear my head.” Youngjae sighed, sitting beside Mark.

“It’s ok. Wanna talk about it?” Mark offered, wrapping an arm around the younger.

“Nah,” Youngjae smiled. “What did I miss?”

Mark decided not to push the younger, filling him in his own Got2day shoot with BamBam instead and the mundane dinner chat he’d missed. In the middle of a story about the derpy photos, BamBam and Mark had taken of each other, Youngjae’s phone vibrated in his pocket. He checked and was happy to see Charlie had messaged him on Kakao asking about the tour of Seoul he’d promised him.

“Are you even listening to me? What are you smiling at anyway?” Mark exclaimed, snatching Youngjae’s phone out his hands before the younger boy could even protest.

“Ooooh, who’s Charlie?” Mark teased, waggling his eyebrows.

“He’s a new intern, only met him today, but he wants a tour of Seoul and he seems nice so I said I would.” Youngjae shrugged, reaching for his phone, but Mark held it out his reach.

“You’re going on a date? Oh my god, this is so exciting!” Mark half-shouted half-whispered, jumping up and down a little on the couch. “I have to see a photo of this Charlie.” Mark opened Youngjae’s phone to check out Charlie’s profile, completely ignoring the younger’s denials.

“We’re not going a date, Mark, what the hell? He just wants to be shown around cuz he’s new. He’s from New York.” Youngjae attempts to explain while the older just whistles under his breath, having obviously found what he was looking for.

“Damn, you should ask him out. He’s hot.”

“Mark, he just wants to be friends. He’s probably very straight.” Youngjae rolls his eyes at the elder’s misplaced excitement.

“Are you kidding me? Look at the messages he sent you,” Mark suddenly shoves the phone in Youngjae’s face. “He put kisses at the end of all his messages! Kisses!” Mark exclaims incredulously as if this was evidence enough that Charlie was madly in love with Youngjae.

“So?” Youngjae responded, completely lost on where his roommate is going with this.

“Oh my god, what would you do without me?” Mark groaned, palming his face and shaking his head in disappointment.

“Youngjae. I want you to listen to me, very carefully.” Mark said, holding Youngjae’s gaze with a fake air of seriousness. “I love you, don’t get me wrong, but you can be so stupid sometimes.” Mark couldn’t help but laugh at how offended Youngjae looked. “I’m from L.A and I know how straight guys talk to each other. Trust me, they never send kisses to a bro. He’s very gay and, I think, very interested in you.” Mark finished his solemn speech with a large grin and a suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows.

“I thought we weren’t supposed to make assumptions about someone’s sexuality,” Youngjae muttered, eyebrows furrowed in embarrassment about all this talk of dating.

“You’re right! You shouldn’t assume he’s straight.” Mark smiled triumphantly while the younger simply shook his head in dismay.

“Now! Message him back, but don’t sound too enthusiastic. We have to make him work for it.” Mark shoved Youngjae’s phone back in his hand, giddier than the younger at the prospect of him dating. Youngjae just stared down at the phone in his hands, unsure what he wanted to do. Youngjae wasn’t blind. Charlie was good looking and ridiculously easy to get along with it.

“Even if he is gay, there is no way he’d be interested in me. And even if he was, I’m not sure I want him to be, y’know? Sure he’s fun to be around but he’s not…” Youngjae trailed off, and he can’t help the face that appears in his mind’s eye at his own train of thought.

“He’s not Jaebum.” Mark murmured softly, bumping Youngjae’s shoulder with his own. “It’s ok, trust me, I get it. I just thought he might help you get over him.”

To be fair, Youngjae thought he had been getting over Jaebum. It would’ve been hard not to consider everything the elder has done the past few weeks but their Got2day filming set him back. Youngjae can’t deny the feelings that resurfaced by simply joking around with Jaebum as he used to. It hadn’t been exactly the same, but he still caught himself smiling fondly at Jaebum one too many times earlier. The older boy fixed that almost immediately by reminding Youngjae just how much he hated him after the shoot.

“Maybe you’re right. I mean, there’s no harm in showing him around, right?” Youngjae couldn’t help but laugh at how fast Mark perked up, immediately whipping out his own phone and opening a search engine.

“Of course I’m right! This is going to be great, I’m looking up couple cafes right now. Y’know, like those cute gross ones you see in dramas? This is so exciting.” Mark squealed.

“What’s so exciting?” Jinyoung yawned from his doorway, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“Oh no, Jinyoungie, did we wake you? I’m sorry.” Mark whispered, getting ready to stand up but stopped himself when he saw Jinyoung toddling over to sit beside him.

“Why you up so late?” Jinyoung hummed, wrapping himself around Mark’s arm before nuzzling the older boys shoulder and letting out a contented sigh. Youngjae had to bite his lips to keep himself from laughing out loud at Mark’s flushed cheeks.

“We, um, we’re just, uh, talking.” Mark cleared his throat before continuing on in a steadier voice. “Shouldn’t you go back to bed?” Jinyoung frowned at Mark’s question, sitting up and detaching himself from the older.

“Sorry, I’m interrupting, aren’t I? I’ll leave you two to it.” Youngjae couldn’t understand Jinyoung’s sudden shift in mood. Two seconds ago, he’d been a snuggly puppy but now Jinyoung looked almost sad as he shuffled back to his room, ignoring Mark’s protests. Maybe he was just tired and annoyed at them for waking him up, it was like one in the morning, in all fairness.

“Maybe we need to get you a Charlie?” Youngjae teased once Jinyoung’s door was closed again, waggling his eyebrows.

“I’m good.” Mark huffed. The blush hadn’t left his cheeks.

***

Jinyoung was doing it again.

Even with the comeback and their hectic schedule, he had managed to notice the tension between Youngjae and Jaebum and once again was taking it upon himself to fix everything. They’d just arrived home from a particularly long day of performances, fanmeets and radio shows when Jinyoung decided for Youngjae and Jaebum that the three of them would treat the rest to snacks.

Youngjae had refused at first as his back hadn’t stopped hurting him the whole day, but Jinyoung wasn’t taking no for an answer and Youngjae could hardly tell him about his back. Youngjae just wanted to shower and pass out in his room. He doesn’t know why Jinyoung is even bothering shoving Jaebum and Youngjae together like this. It didn’t work last time, and it really wouldn’t work now.

Thankfully, Jaebum offered to drive and thank god Jinyoung sat in the front. Otherwise, they surely would've noticed how Youngjae’s legs seemed to shake relentlessly. He almost fell asleep in the back seat a few times but the throbbing of his spine kept him conscious. It was a short five-minute drive anyway so it wasn't long before Youngjae could hear the car doors opening and closing. He looked up to see his two bandmates already halfway across the car park.  In his haste to catch up with them, he sat up far too fast. Pain traced its way up his spine right up to the back of his head. Black dots speckled his vision and the ground underneath him seemed to tip a little before it righted itself.

"Come on lazybones, the others are waiting for us, we gotta be quick or they'll fall asleep!" Jinyoung laughed beside a stoic Jaebum.

His legs still felt like jelly, but the ache in his lower back had dulled to the point where he could ignore it again. ‘Just twenty more minutes or so and I'll be able to collapse in bed and I'll feel better tomorrow.’ Youngjae just had to get through the next couple minutes. He's dealt with exhaustion before and he can do it again. If his stupid legs would just keep get it together already.

Somehow he wills enough strength in them to move towards the store Jaebum and Jinyoung have disappeared into. Jinyoung is the only one waiting for him when he stumbles in, only barely saving himself from falling face by keeping a hold of the door handle. The cashier glares at them over her magazine, clearly not happy with having customers at ass o'clock.

"There you are! I thought you'd left us for dead. Ok, you and Jaebum are in charge of snacks. He's already started so I'm gonna grab drinks and then we meet back here in ten?"

"Jinyoung, stop trying to force us to talk we'll sort it after the-" Youngjae tried to reason but Jinyoung cut across him.

"Sorry, Youngjae I can't hear you! The drinks are calling to me." The older yelled, already making his way through the aisles.

"Sorry," Youngjae apologised to the cashier before heading down the familiar aisles to the snacks.

Jaebum was standing there as Jinyoung had said, hands full and face blank as he stared at a row of chocolate bars. He looked so tired, shoulders slumped and eye makeup smudged from rubbing at his eyes, but Youngjae still felt a little flutter at seeing Jaebum like this without any barriers up. That was until he heard Youngjae approach.

“The stuff Yugyeom wants is on the top shelf at the very back, I can’t grab it with all this shit in my hands. Reach up and get it.” Jaebum ordered before Youngjae could even attempt a greeting.

“You’re taller.” Youngjae eyed the high shelf with apprehension, holding his hands out to take the other snacks from Jaebum. He wasn’t really considered short, he and Jaebum were basically the same height, but the older had a few centimetres on him that he was going to milk. Youngjae would rather not test his luck by straining himself after his near-faint in the carpark. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Jaebum hissed lowly so Jinyoung, who was only a couple of aisles away, wouldn’t hear. “Stop being such a lazy asshole for two seconds and just do what I say.” The older finally looked at him and Youngjae wished he hadn’t. He could never get used to the anger written plainly in Jaebum’s beautiful eyes.

With a small “ok” that Jaebum either didn’t hear or chose to ignore, Youngjae moved over to get closer to the rows of shelves. He could feel the older hovering behind him expectantly as he stood on his tiptoes. Everything was going fine until Youngjae reached his right arm up over his head trying to grab the packet closest to him. He could feel the packaging with the tip of his fingers. Just stretch a little more and...

That’s when it happened.

It felt like something had snapped in him. Specifically his back. The pain was excruciating. He’s never felt anything like it. It hit him with the ferocity of a wave, ripping his feet from underneath him and knocking the breath out of his lungs.

The edges of his vision were painted black as he fell backward, arms flailing, back crying out in agony before he hit against something sturdy but warm.

Youngjae could just about make out someone shouting his name before his consciousness dragged him into a peaceful abyss.

Chapter Text

Jinyoung hated this waiting room. Its white unfeeling walls, the lonely sound of Jinyoung’s shoes clicking against grey tiles, the overpowering smell of disinfectant. It was all so cold. The receptionist was just as uncaring, refusing to let him into the emergency room. Jinyoung had given up yelling at her when she had threatened to call security.

He couldn’t just sit there. Not while Youngjae was… No. He needed to do something or he’d start screaming. Naturally, he busied himself. He paced back and forth while intermittently glaring at the clock that ticked the minutes by tauntingly, as if nothing had happened. As if one of Jinyoung’s best friends weren’t lying in a hospital bed somewhere, all alone.

Checking his phone didn’t help. None of the members had texted him after he’d sent a shaken Jaebum home to fill them in on what had happened. As he unlocked his phone for the tenth time he was disappointed to not even see a text from their manager. He should be on his way to sign the insurance forms and such at least.

‘God, I hope everything’s okay at home. What if something else has happened and that’s why they’re not answering.’ A hundred different scenarios each worse than the last passed through Jinyoung’s stress-filled mind, making him more nervous than before. The others had all seemed fine when they’d left to go get snacks earlier, but then hadn’t Youngjae? What if Jinyoung hadn’t noticed one of the others were feeling unwell, just like he’d missed all the signs that Youngjae was sick?

It was an unspoken thing among the members that Jinyoung was the one who looked after everyone. Everyone had their role in the group and Jinyoung couldn’t even fulfill his. He knew he couldn’t dance like Yugyeom, his voice was nowhere near as strong as Jaebum’s or Youngjae’s, Jackson and BamBam would always be better at variety and Mark was undeniably the visual. They all had something to add to the group to make it successful. Looking after the members was all Jinyoung could offer them in return.

He’d let Youngjae down. Jinyoung had been distracted by talk of making his acting debut in an actual drama, something he’d dreamed of for years. He’d been so self-involved he didn’t even notice Youngjae needed him. Jinyoung promised to himself right then and there he’d be a better friend from now on.

With this in mind, he started making his way to the desk to demand to be let in to see Youngjae. Jinyoung was only half-way across the room when the door burst open.

He felt his tense shoulders drop in relief at seeing the one person who would make this all a little more bearable. There stood Mark, looking like he had just run all the way to the hospital, his face flushed and chest heaving. It took all of two seconds for his eyes to find Jinyoung’s.

“Mark?” Jinyoung would later deny that his voice cracked. It was barely above a whisper but it seemed to flick a switch within them both as Mark immediately ran to Jinyoung. He couldn’t help the soft sob he let out once he felt Mark’s arms wrap around his waist. Mark pulled Jinyoung in close so there was virtually no space between them, their chests pressed against each other. He let himself fall apart there in Mark’s arms. Jinyoung was enveloped by the smell of Mark’s favourite shampoo, coupled with the fabric softener they all used. He could almost forget where they were if Jinyoung kept his eyes shut tight and let his other senses be completely filled with Mark.

Jinyoung was so glad Mark was the one who showed up. The older boy’s presence alone helped loosen the knot of anxiety in his chest. Everyone knew that Mark was the person to call when Jinyoung was upset. Mark never tried to fix things with useless lies like “it’ll be ok”. Neither of them knew if everything really would be ok so promises like that were meaningless. Mark understood that. He knew what Jinyoung needed. He just wanted someone to be there. So the older boy comforted him like that, in his own quiet way. He slowly rubbed circles in Jinyoung’s back, gently murmuring “I’m here” so low only Jinyoung could hear. Jinyoung tightened his own grip on Mark’s shoulder in thanks.

They were so wrapped up in each other Jinyoung barely registered their manager showing up a few minutes after Mark.

“Mark, I told you to wait for me, don’t go running off like that again….” Jinyoung could hear their manager’s voice trail off as he took in the pathetic sight of him clinging to Mark as if his life depended on it.

“Is Jinyoung ok?” He whispered next as if Jinyoung wouldn’t be able to hear him in the dead silent room. At his question, Jinyoung buried his face in Mark’s shoulder. Jinyoung knew it was childish but he didn’t want their manager to see him like this; face blotchy and eyes red.

“Yeah, we’re all just a little shaken, y’know? Could we please have a minute?”

“Oh, yeah, of course. I have, uh, forms and stuff to fill out. I’ll call you guys when we’re allowed see him.”

Mark waited a few seconds until they were alone before he bumped his head against Jinyoung’s who only hummed in response.

“How about we sit down? You must be exhausted.” Mark suggested, arm squeezing Jinyoung a little closer to him if that was even possible.

Jinyoung didn’t want to move. Mark was so warm and Jinyoung could feel the elder’s steady heartbeat through his hoody. It was the calmest he had felt in hours, however, the adrenaline that had kept him going earlier was quickly evaporating and Jinyoung wasn’t confident his legs would be able to hold him up for much longer.

So, he simply nodded, nuzzling a little further into Mark’s shoulder before reluctantly stepping back. Jinyoung immediately ducked his head, rubbing at his eyes while Mark just gently laced their free hands together. The older boy tugged Jinyoung over to the seat furthest away from the receptionist who was now sending them curious glances. The pair just sat there for a while not saying anything, hands still interlocked, the only sound breaking the silence was the odd sniffle from Jinyoung. He looked down at his hand in Mark’s and felt so guilty. Here the older boy was comforting him when Jinyoung’s the reason that Youngjae was lying in a hospital bed right now.

“You shouldn’t be so nice to me.” Jinyoung finally said, voice still a little shaky as he pulls his hand from Mark’s grip. The younger placed his elbows on his knees, holding his head in his hands.

“It’s all my fault. I-I’m the one who forced him to come with us, I should’ve-”

“No. Stop it. I’m not letting you blame yourself for this.” Mark cut across Jinyoung, voice firm as he wrapped both of his arms around the younger boy’s shoulders. Jinyoung shrugged out his hold, sitting up straight in the uncomfortable plastic chair, an angry glint in his eyes.

“You didn’t see him lying there on that dirty convenience store floor. He looked so small. How did I not notice how much weight he’s been losing? I’ve never seen someone so pale.” Jinyoung exhaled shakily, eyes glossy with tears. “It all happened so fast. One minute I was debating between grape and apple juice and the next thing I knew Jaebum was yelling my name, and- and then I was running and I saw them. Jaebum wouldn’t look at me. He just kept staring blankly at Youngjae. I don’t know how I kept it together, but I rang the ambulance and they were asking all these questions and I just didn’t know, I- I was so useless. How could I not know when he’d last ate? I’m such a terrible friend. How could I not see?” Jinyoung demanded eyes raised to the ceiling, his voice wobbly as he tried to hold back more tears.

“You’re terrible?” Mark asked incredulously. “Shit, Jinyoung, I’m his roommate for fucks sake. If anyone should’ve noticed it’s me. I should’ve paid more attention. If you wanna blame someone then blame me.”

Jinyoung looked over at the other boy and saw Mark glaring at his shoes, jaw clenched. Mark never let things get to him. He didn’t like breaking down in front of people. Jinyoung still remembers years ago when Mark had first moved into the dorm and he had found the older boy curled in on himself crying in his bedroom one night.

Before this, Jinyoung had no idea Mark had been feeling homesick at all. Mark couldn’t speak any Korean at that time, but Jinyoung hadn’t known and taken the older boy’s silent nature as rude aloofness. Once Mark had noticed Jinyoung’s presence in his room he had sat up, wiped the tears from his face and hung his head as if he was ashamed.

Jinyoung can’t remember what he had originally gone into the room to ask Mark because he had been so shocked. He had stared at the boy who had seemed so confident when he’d first met him who was now unable to meet his gaze, eyes fixed downwards as if waiting for Jinyoung to leave. But he hadn’t. Instead, he had dragged Mark out of the dorm to the nearby convenience store and bought him ice cream. It had been way past their curfew and that night had been a particularly chilly one, not to mention the language barrier left them mostly in awkward silence. However, when they parted ways that night, the way Mark had uncertainly thanked Jinyoung in Korean with a small smile made it all worth it. You didn’t push Mark into talking about these things. Mark preferred distractions and Jinyoung was always happy to provide him with one.

“It’s nobody’s fault.” Jinyoung sighed, wrapping a protective arm around Mark’s shoulder. After a moment of hesitation, the older leaned his head against Jinyoung’s shoulder letting the younger boy play with his hair. “Especially not yours. We all see how you look out for Youngjae, but you’re not superman. You can’t be everywhere at once or fix everything. Don’t beat yourself up. Youngjae wouldn’t want that.” Jinyoung pretended not to notice Mark wiping his eyes with his sleeves as he continued to lightly thread his fingers through the older boy’s hair.

“I think we all just need to look out for each other a little more. Be more aware when one of us is in trouble. When we see Youngjae we have to let him know we’re not annoyed or upset and tell him we’re here for him no matter what.” Jinyoung murmured, trying to fight back a yawn. The whirlwind of emotions that was the past few hours were finally catching up to him. “We can’t put comebacks or album sales before ourselves. Our lil’ family is more important than topping the charts.”

Mark nodded silently in agreement.

“You’re going have to put two dollars in the jar when we get home though.” Jinyoung teased, laughing as Mark lightly slapped his chest in response. He could feel the comforting vibrations of the older boy’s laughter. It made a warm feeling spread in Jinyoung’s chest, chasing away some of the leftover stress and anxiety. Having Mark beside him always made things better.

The next thing Jinyoung feels is their manager shaking him awake. They must’ve fallen asleep like that on those hellish chairs that made their butts go numb, Mark’s hand fisted in Jinyoung’s sweater and Jinyoung’s fingers still in Mark’s hair. He blinked up against the bright artificial lighting of the hospital to meet their manager’s concerned gaze.

“He’s awake.”

***

This is exactly what Youngjae had wanted to avoid. The worry etched into Mark and Jinyoung’s faces. The doctors. The IV drip. The guilt. He had let everyone down. His members, his fans, the company.

It seemed like Youngjae couldn’t do anything right anymore. Even his own body had betrayed him and he knew what this meant. You didn’t wake up in the hospital with several nurses and specialists hovering over you like a science experiment and get to go home that day. Youngjae didn’t understand any of the medical terms they used but one thing was certain; he wouldn’t be performing anytime soon.

His doctor was currently explaining everything to Jinyoung and Mark who were holding hands at the foot of his bed like they were his parents and Youngjae was their broken child. Youngjae would’ve thought it was cute and teased Mark about it if it wasn’t for how utterly drained he was. He barely had the energy to stay awake, only comprehending half of what the doctor was saying.

“….blunt force trauma to the spine….”

Youngjae stared up at the cracks in the ceiling as he heard Jinyoung ask what that meant. The medical definition washed over Youngjae, leaving little meaning behind until the doctor gave examples.

“It’s generally a result of injury or physical assault…”

Everything suddenly clicked into place for Youngjae at that point. The back pains had started right after his confrontation with Jaebum when the older boy had pushed him up against that door. He could still remember how painfully the door handle had sunk into his back. Youngjae had attributed his back ache to the strenuous dance for this comeback and while there was no doubt that had exacerbated the problem it wasn’t the cause.

It was kind of fitting, Youngjae mused bitterly, that Jaebum was the reason he was lying in a hospital bed. Jaebum had already done everything he could to hurt him emotionally, why not physically too? Despite this bitter train of thought, Youngjae knew that Jaebum had no idea what he had done that day. He’d seen the older boy like that before, although the bathroom incident was the first time it had been directed at Youngjae. He knew the signs and should’ve picked up sooner that Jaebum was in a bad place again.

Even before their confrontation, when Youngjae had been putting some space between the two of them, he should’ve noticed how Jaebum seemed overly upset about little things like the situation with Dae-Jung. That day when he had almost fought the choreographer had been a tell-tale sign that both he and Jinyoung ignored.

Youngjae felt guilty for not saying something to Jinyoung, the only other person that knew, especially after the bathroom incident. Youngjae doesn’t want to blame Jaebum because it’s not something that the older boy can control on his own, but deep down he knows that doesn’t excuse Jaebum’s actions. Even though Jaebum may not have been aware of what he had done the numbness in Youngjae’s back, barely masking the pain, won’t let him forget.

What Jaebum did was unacceptable.

The older boy needed help, but that would require Youngjae divulging all that had happened that day to Jinyoung. Youngjae wasn’t ready for that. He hadn’t even told Mark the full story, not wanting to relive the pain all those harsh words had imprinted on his mind.

“We spend all day together, like, every day,” Jinyoung was currently explaining. “There’s no way he could’ve injured himself without one of us being there to see it.”

The doctor hummed looking over her notes once again. “In that case, we will need to do some more tests to make sure it’s not something more serious.”

“I fell.” Youngjae suddenly blurted, causing four pairs of eyes to snap in his direction. There was a beat of silence. Youngjae kept his gaze trained on the thin hospital sheets ignoring how Mark and Jinyoung were sending him questioning looks.

“When you woke up first you said you couldn’t think of anything that would’ve resulted in a back injury.” The doctor reminded him, voice carefully detached.

“I couldn’t remember then. I was still kinda out of it, but I fell while practicing alone a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t say anything cuz I thought it’d pass.” Youngjae shrugged in an attempt to seem nonchalant.

He wanted this to be believable. Youngjae may never forgive Jaebum for landing him here, but he wasn’t about to rip apart the group over this. They had all agreed a long time ago that the team would always be more important than the individual.

“It was stupid of me, it clearly kept getting worse. I’m so sorry. I know I’ve ruined promotions now and let the fans down. I’ve let the whole team down. I-I’m just really sorry guys.” Youngjae choked out, voice betraying him as he looked at his two friends.

Another wave of guilt washed over him as he looked at them properly for the first time since they had been let in. They both looked as tired as Youngjae felt, Mark’s hair flattened in places and sticking up in others, Jinyoung’s eyes bloodshot from what Youngjae assumed was lack of sleep. At his words Jinyoung let go of Mark, rushing to Youngjae’s side and immediately holding one of the younger boy’s hands in two of his own.

“Hey now, shush no, you haven’t let anyone down. Don’t apologise. It was an accident, right? I’m not mad at you at all. I just wish you’d told us sooner. We’ve all overdone it before and hurt ourselves, it happens. Just tell us next time, ok? I don’t care if you’ve just stubbed your toe. I want to know about it.”

Youngjae couldn’t help a small watery smile at Jinyoung’s last comment, humour dancing in the elder’s exhausted gaze.

“Ok.”

“Promise me, Youngjae. No matter how small, you will not hide things like this from us again. ” Jinyoung pressed voice firm, all humour gone as he held Youngjae’s gaze with somber eyes.

Youngjae involuntarily looked over at Mark, the secrets they both held so dear floating in the air between them. In the split second they held eye contact Youngjae could’ve sworn he saw something akin to anger flash in Mark’s eyes before the older boy looked away. If Jinyoung noticed his flickering gaze he didn’t pass any comment on it, instead, he simply squeezed Youngjae’s hand a little when the younger boy’s eyes met his once more.

“I promise.” Youngjae lied.

Chapter Text

Dull grey light began seeping in through the living room blinds, falling across the bodies sprawled over the couches and carpet, signaling the morning’s arrival. Jaebum was the only one sleep had not yet claimed. He lay there on the hard floor with a snoring BamBam who was using his stomach as a pillow. Jaebum couldn’t sleep.

Every time he closed his eyes all he could see was Youngjae falling.

He can’t shake the image of the younger boy’s pained expression out of his mind, his distressed yell continuously ringing in Jaebum’s ears. Youngjae had looked tired, sure, but they all were. Jaebum hadn’t realised the toll it was taking on the younger vocalist.

His chest tightened thinking about how easy it had been to catch Youngjae. He had felt as light as a feather. Jaebum barely had to strain himself to hold him up and maneuver him into the recovery position on the ground. How had he lost so much weight? How had he been so unwell without any of them noticing?

Somewhere deep within himself, Jaebum knew the truth.

It was all his fault. He shouldn’t have made Youngjae reach up for those snacks. Jaebum was just being petty. This wouldn’t have happened if he had been looking out for Youngjae like he used to. They all cared for one another, but with Jaebum and Youngjae it was different. It made sense that they were closer. They’re roommates after all.

Well, were.

Even back when they had first met, all that time ago when Youngjae had been so shy and unsure, and Jaebum had been so unstable and moody. Even then, Jaebum had kept an eye on his bright-eyed newly assigned roommate in his own gruff way.

It was around one in the morning, but Jaebum was trekking through the freezing winter roads, navigating his way back to the dance studio. The new kid had never come home and the last anyone had seen of him was there. As he was this guy’s roommate it was his job to make sure the fool didn’t sleep at the company all night. Staff wouldn’t be impressed to find a teen trainee on the practice room floor in the morning.

Once in the warmth of the building, Jaebum lightly jogged the few flights of stairs down to the basement. The closer he got he could hear the faint sounds of the song they’d all been practicing to earlier. He thanked whatever higher powers there were that the kid was here and not lost somewhere in Seoul in the dead of night. Jaebum wasn’t in the mood for more lectures on responsibility.

As quietly as he could he inched the door open, peering in expecting to see the newbie asleep on one of the couches, but no. The kid was up and dancing with determination to the beat. He hit all the choreography points perfectly, executing every move as if he hadn’t been dancing for however many hours it was already. The only thing that gave him away was the sweat Jaebum could see drenching his clothes and hair.

As the song came closer to its end, Jaebum began to see the exhaustion start to affect the kid as the choreography became more complex. There was one move in particular that even Yugyeom had struggled with at first that was coming up in the next bar. As he expected, the new kid barely stumbled his way through the intricate footwork, missing at least two beats and falling a little off balance near the end of the sequence.

Jaebum was surprised to hear the curses that spilled from Jinyoung’s newly adopted baby as the kid threw himself on the floor to lay facing the ceiling, chest heaving and dance abandoned. Jaebum decided it was now he should make his presence known by throwing the door wide open and heading straight for the sound system. The newbie, despite the fact Jaebum hadn’t tried to be quiet, didn’t even notice him until he switched the music off.

“What the-” he started, stopping when he saw Jaebum standing there in his winter coat and pyjama bottoms. He immediately jumped up and stood, head bowed. “I’m so sorry! I know I shouldn’t be here, I’m just so behind and-” The kid rushed, not meeting Jaebum’s gaze, hands twisting and untwisting nervously.

“You should be asleep.” Jaebum cut across him, stern but without malice. The kid technically was allowed to be here, the studios were open for twenty-four hour use, but Jaebum had seen too many young kids burn out. He’d pretty much perfected the dance anyway and it wasn’t going to get any better when the kid was so sleep deprived.

“I know, I’m sorry, I just can’t get that one move right, the-” The newbie tried again, but Jaebum cut him off.

“Yeah, I saw.”

Jaebum could see the kid flinch at his blunt tone, somehow making himself seem even smaller than he already was. Jaebum couldn’t help the pang of guilt he felt at the younger boy’s dejected look. Jaebum had been lucky, he and Jinyoung had entered the company at the same time and had leaned on each other for support.

This kid had no one.

 He was still stuck in that awkward place of being the new trainee in the dorm, not knowing any of the inside jokes or dynamics of the group. Jaebum internally reprimanded himself for not making more of an effort to get to know the guy. The kid had just seemed so scared of Jaebum when they’d first met as if he could sense Jaebum’s short temper just from shaking his hand.

After that, Jaebum had never really planned on befriending the boy, hoping that politeness would be enough to keep things civil if he ended up debuting with them. Jaebum was friends with all the trainees, but they were superficial. They were safe friendships that wouldn’t burden them, unlike poor Jinyoung. His best friend insisted he didn’t care about Jaebum’s condition, but he could see the toll it took on Jinyoung and hated himself for it.

This new kid was about Yugyeom and BamBam’s age and while unfortunately for the kid he had been lumped with Jaebum as a roommate, Jaebum was not about to add his own baggage to the newbie’s misfortune. Looking at him dance just a few minutes ago, though with such perseverance, had reminded Jaebum of himself when he had first joined the company. He’d been in the same position, struggling through what seemed like impossible choreography and endless vocal training, his muscles burning from the strain and his throat hoarse from overuse.

If Jinyoung hadn’t been there he would’ve quit. This kid needed a Jinyoung. While his best friend was truly amazing in his capacity to care for others, Jaebum knew even though Jinyoung wanted to be this kids best friend he was too busy teaching Mark Korean and keeping Jaebum himself stable enough to mentor the new kid.

“You have the rest of the dance perfected though. I wouldn’t worry. You learned it faster than I did.”

The kid’s head jerked up in surprise at Jaebum’s praise, clearly anticipating a scolding for his mistake in the choreography.

“You’re never going to learn the last part if you keep tiring yourself out in the lead up to it. You should practice it in isolation. Once you’ve mastered it separately you can try incorporating it into the dance as a whole.” Jaebum could feel his mouth twitching as he tried to stop himself from grinning at the younger boy’s shocked expression. He looked hilarious with his mouth gaping open and eyes were blown wide as if Jaebum was b-boying in nothing but a tutu rather than giving him advice.

“Do you understand?”

At Jaebum’s question, the boy seemed to come down from the bombshell that was Jaebum speaking more than two words to him, rushing to thank Jaebum with too much enthusiasm for how late it was. The older boy simply grunted in response, moving to head towards the door with the assumption the kid was going to follow, but he was still standing in the middle of the room.

“Dorm. Sleep.” Jaebum stood frowning with his arms crossed, head jerking in the direction of the exit. “Now, kid.”

“Could I stay here for just a few minutes longer to practice? Please? I know we’re not supposed to, but I need to catch up and if I practice in the dorm I’ll just wake everyone up. I won’t be able to sleep anyway.” The younger boy pleaded, his two hands clasped together in front of him as if praying Jaebum would concede.

“Five minutes. Then we’re going.” Jaebum relented, grabbing the stereo remote and making his way to one of the worn-out couches.

“Oh, no, no, you don’t have to stay! I can make my own way home –” The kid tried to protest suddenly flustered again, waving his hands frantically. Jaebum just ignored him, settling himself further into the squashed cushions of the couch.

“Time is ticking. I’ll DJ. You just need to practice that one section at the end, so let me just…” Jaebum fiddled with the remote, finding the part of the song they needed and pressing play.

The younger boy stood there, frozen for a second, before Jaebum raised an eyebrow at him pointedly, causing the kid to quickly get in position in front of the mirror. He shouldn’t be so embarrassed. Jaebum had heard from the staff that the kid was set to debut with them even though he’d had barely any training. Clearly, he was talented. Even still, the kid had no idea he was talented. Jaebum could tell he was self-conscious, missing a step or two from sheer nerves. With a sigh, Jaebum shrugged his coat off and stood beside the younger boy.

“Let’s try it together.”

It was their third run through of the sequence when it happened. The kid was actually starting to get it, when he suddenly yelled out, losing his footing as his leg jerked. Jaebum caught him before he could fall, the kid grabbing the older boy’s forearms for support as he could only put weight on one of his legs.

“Ow, ow, ow! My leg! What the hell?!?” He panicked, looking at Jaebum for answers.

“You’ve strained yourself. I’d say you pulled a muscle in your hamstring. When did you last stretch?” Jaebum asked calmly.

“Earlier with everyone else.” The kid answered sheepishly, no longer meeting Jaebum’s gaze.

“For fucks-” Jaebum cursed. He swears this kid had a death wish. He let go of the younger boy and quickly wrapped himself up in his coat, watching as the kid tried to limp his way to the couch. He wasn’t going to be able to walk back to the dorm without making things worse for himself. 

“Ok, come on,” Jaebum grumbled, crouching down with his back to the other boy. “Get on,” Jaebum ordered when the younger didn’t make a move to climb on his back.

“What- no, I can walk-”

“You can limp at best.” Jaebum scoffed. “This’ll be quicker and it’ll minimize the possibility of you injuring yourself further. So, get on.” He ordered, patting his back for emphasis.

For a moment nothing happened and Jaebum thought he’d have to resort to carrying the kid out of there bridal style, but then he felt the kids arms hesitantly wrapping themselves loosely around his shoulders, chest pressed to his back. Without another word, Jaebum tucked his hands under the other boy’s thighs, hoisting his legs around Jaebum’s waist.

The walk to the dorm was a short, but silent one since the kid started to nod off halfway. Jaebum somehow managed to open the door, even with a sleeping boy on his back. He accidentally jostled him a little when he tried to place the boy on the mattress they shared, causing him to wake up.

“Oh, shit. M’sorry, Youngjae.” Jaebum mumbled an apology, helping the sleepy boy lie down properly. At the sound of his name, the kid’s eyes widened fully, all of his previous drowsiness gone.

“I’ll get you an ice pack.” Jaebum didn’t notice how Youngjae’s eyes followed his back out of their room, with a dazed smile on his face.

Youngjae shyly smiled up at Jaebum when he came back with not just an ice pack, but also two cushions.

“What you smiling at?”

“You called me Youngjae.”

“Isn’t that your name?”

“Yeah, but you’ve never used it before.” The younger was beaming up at Jaebum now, hair fanned out on his pillow and face scrunched from how widely he was smiling.

For the second time that night, Jaebum had to stop himself from smiling at Youngjae, instead busying himself with propping the younger boy’s leg up under the cushions and grabbing their duvet.

Jaebum refused to meet Youngjae’s eyes as he settled down on the mattress, hoping the younger would just drop it, but no. He’d gone from grinning like a fool to full-blown giggling. With an irritated huff, Jaebum turned on his side to face Youngjae, who was already looking his way, lips trembling as he tried to stop the giggles from bubbling over.

At Jaebum’s annoyed frown, Youngjae let out one obnoxiously loud laugh before he clamped his hand around his own mouth, muffling the sound. Jaebum felt his own lips shake and finally surrendered himself to the smile that Youngjae’s presence seemed to demand of him.

“What’s so funny?”

“You’re not as scary as you like to seem, are you?” Youngjae asked softly.

Youngjae was looking at him so intensely, his big brown eyes seemed to bore into Jaebum. The sincerity and fondness Jaebum saw there threw him off.

Jaebum sighed at the memory. That’s all they were now.

Memories.

Looking back on it now, he realised this was the moment he had lost himself to Youngjae. The moment he had stupidly let his carefully constructed walls crumble enough to make space for Youngjae in his life.

Jaebum knew that he should’ve pushed Youngjae away right then and there, told him to fuck off or something equally as horrible for the younger’s own good, but he hadn’t. He couldn’t have, not when Youngjae had looked happier than he’d ever seen him look since the younger had arrived in the dorm two weeks previous to that time.

No, Jaebum couldn’t keep blaming Youngjae like this. Jaebum had done it out of his own self-pity. He had been selfish back then, he had wanted to keep being on the receiving end of Youngjae’s smile. Now he would never have it directed at him again. He was still selfish, even now, replaying the memories over and over again, until he would fall asleep and dream of the past.

Jaebum playfully nudged Youngjae’s side, eliciting more giggles from the younger, rolling over so his back was facing Youngjae.

Jaebum waited until Youngjae’s subdued giggles slowly dissolved into low snoring to answer his question. ‘Not as scary as I like to seem, huh?’

“I’m worse.” He whispered.

Chapter Text

It wasn’t until lunchtime later that day that Mark and Jinyoung arrived home, weary and reeking of hospital. The other members were all waiting for them in the living room, not having moved much on their day off except for the necessities. They’d just been lying there watching re-runs of old shows and throwing glances at the door every few minutes.

Jaebum was the first to hear the key rattling in the door, suddenly sitting up at the sound, fully alert. Mark and Jinyoung barely had time to toe-off their shoes before Jackson was bombarding them with a million questions, standing up to pull the pair into a bone-crushing hug. Jaebum noticed the pair were holding hands the whole time despite Jackson’s manhandling. He tried to not overthink the skinship. It was just something Mark and Jinyoung did. It didn’t mean that, did it? All this shit with Youngjae was messing with Jaebum’s perception.

“Let them breathe, Jackson.” Jaebum softly scolded from his spot on the couch. His roommate looked affronted but acquiesced with a huff, draping himself around Yugyeom instead.

Mark and Jinyoung looked about two seconds away from collapsing, leaning on each other for support as if they couldn’t hold themselves up. Mark must’ve felt the weight of Jaebum’s gaze on him because he suddenly looked up and made eye contact with Jaebum. The leader noted how quickly Mark pulled away from Jinyoung after that, stuffing his hands in his jean pockets and refusing to meet anyone’s eyes. The look of hurt that flashed in Jinyoung’s eyes didn’t escape Jaebum either.

What was happening to their group?

“Sit down, guys, you must be exhausted.” Jaebum murmured, patting the free space on the sofa beside him. Jinyoung sent Jaebum a small smile in thanks as the leader made room for the pair to sit.

It was Yugyeom that asked the question that had tormented them all night long.

“Is he ok?”

The sigh Jinyoung breathed out and the defeated slump in his shoulders had Jaebum’s mind jumping to the worst of conclusions. Jaebum tried to push the fear down as he wrapped an arm around Jinyoung, rubbing up and down his arm. His best friend leaned into Jaebum’s touch before delivering the news.

“He’ll be ok, but right now… no, he isn’t. He has to stay in the hospital for a week or two. He fell practicing a few weeks ago and didn’t tell anyone. Even when he’s allowed home he won’t be able to perform or anything like that, but he can attend fansigns.”  

Jaebum’s stomach plummeted at Jinyoung’s words. It wasn’t just over-exertion or the diet, things that could be relatively easy to fix. Injuries always brought with them the possibility of long-term effects and relapses. Youngjae may get better this time, but he’d have to be so careful from now to make sure he didn’t injure himself again. If it happened again, who knows if he’d be able to continue dancing?

A black cloud hung over the group as Jinyoung finished filling them in on what the doctors had said. Jackson was the first one to break the gloomy silence, his smile like the sun breaking through a thick fog.   

“Well, what are we waiting for? We have a Youngjae to go cheer up! Come on, guys.” Jackson grinned, jumping up and tugging Yugyeom and BamBam with him. Jaebum felt Jinyoung stand up, his knees cracking as he moved, and without a second thought he pulled the younger down to sit on his lap.

“Oh no you don’t. You’re staying here and sleeping on a proper bed. Let Jackson mother Youngjae for once.” Jaebum ordered, caging Jinyoung to his chest with his arms. Out of the corner of his eye, Jaebum could’ve sworn he saw Mark bristle at the end of the couch.

“Same goes for you, Mark.”                 

“Whatever.”  Mark huffed, crossing his arms and frowning at his lap.

***

Mark and Jinyoung trudged their way to their respective rooms after helping Jackson pack an overnight bag for Youngjae and seeing Jackson, BamBam and Yugyeom off. Jaebum had ordered Mark and Jinyoung to take a nap before excusing himself to call their manager outside of the confines of their dorm.

It was just the two of them again.

They hadn’t really spoken much since Jinyoung’s tearful outburst at the hospital. They had both dozed on the way home in the car, too tired to converse. As they got closer to Jinyoung’s door, Mark nudged the other boy with his elbow.

“Try not to worry about him. He’ll be fine, and you need to make sure you’re ok too. You haven’t slept properly in the last 24 hours so, get some sleep.” Mark gently prodded.

“I don’t need sleep. I need Youngjae to be ok.” Jinyoung exhaled drearily, rubbing his face in defeat.

“Jinyoung.”

They were stood outside Jinyoung’s door, neither making a move to leave the other.

“Sorry,” Jinyoung breathed out, shaking his head a little as if to dispel all the bad things that hovered over them. “I’ll try, ok?” He promised, grimacing at the uncertainty his words held before turning to open his bedroom door. Jinyoung’s hand gripped the door handle but Mark could see the hesitation in the set of the younger’s shoulders.

“What is it?” Mark asked, stepping closer to the younger boy.

“No, it’s nothing. It doesn’t matter.” Jinyoung tried to shrug Mark’s question off, finally twisting the door handle.

“Tell me.” Mark urged, grabbing Jinyoung’s elbow to keep him in place. The younger boy turned to face him, but instead of looking Mark in the eye he stared resolutely at a spot on the older boy’s shoulder. It was as if Jinyoung was embarrassed or something.

“It’s stupid, really, but I, um, I just don’t wanna be alone right now, y’know? So, I was thinking maybe, um, you could nap in my room? If you want? I mean, you spend half your time sleeping in here anyway.” Jinyoung joked, trying to seem as casual as possible.

Mark dropped the other boy’s elbow, shocked at Jinyoung’s words and backing away instinctively. Mark hated how his heart stuttered at the innocent request. He hated how much power Jinyoung had over him, but what he hated, even more, was how oblivious Jinyoung was to it all. The younger had no idea a simple nap could be seen as something else in other people’s eyes.

Mark was hyper-aware of the fact Jaebum would be in the dorm after his phone call. What would Jaebum think if he saw Mark leave Jinyoung’s room later after everything Jaebum knew about Youngjae? The way Jaebum had looked at them earlier as Mark and Jinyoung held hands didn’t go unnoticed by Mark. The older boy doubted Jinyoung had even caught Jaebum staring at them earlier, but Mark had. And it freaked him out.

He’d never felt the urge to conceal his sexuality in Korea before because everyone he met always assumed he was straight, but for the first time in years, when Jaebum had looked at him with that piercing gaze, Mark had feared someone finding out.

“Uh, there’s only one bed though.” Mark eventually pointed out in a feeble attempt at escape.

“So? We always share the bed. Please, Mark?”

The way he asked Mark, with so much doubt, crushed him. As if falling asleep next to Jinyoung every night wasn’t something Mark wanted so badly he couldn’t even let himself dream about it. The reality that it was just a dream hurt too much. The hopeful look in Jinyoung’s eyes tore something in Mark as he knew he couldn’t give Jinyoung what he needed.

Mark couldn’t be there for his friend like that. He couldn’t indulge himself anymore with subtle touches that always meant something different to Mark. Jinyoung may be none the wiser, but the way Jaebum had acted earlier had paranoia itching in the back of Mark’s mind.  

“If you don’t want to it’s fine.” Jinyoung’s disappointed voice cut through Mark’s maelstrom of thoughts, wrenching him back to the present and the boy in front of him. Words failed him, as they so often do around the younger, and he just stood there dumbly while he could visibly see Jinyoung retreat within himself.

They were only standing a few inches apart, but Jinyoung felt so unreachable.

“Sorry, forget I said anything. Thanks for being there tonight.” Jinyoung murmured, sending Mark a sad smile over his shoulder before closing the door behind him. Mark stared at the door for a few seconds cursing himself, Jaebum and the world.

***

Jaebum’s not sure how long he sat there staring at the TV blankly as some documentary about endangered otters ran. Neither Jinyoung nor Mark had surfaced as of yet so it was just Jaebum and his thoughts alone in the dorm. That was until Jackson, BamBam and Yugyeom barged in at eight o’clock that night, slamming the door and yelling about what takeout they should order. Jackson’s eyes seemed to zone in on Jaebum the second he stepped into the living room, an uncharacteristic frown taking over his face.

“Hey! Were you just sitting here all day? You never showed up at the hospital like you said you would.” Jackson questioned, walking to stand in front of Jaebum with his arms crossed. Yugyeom and BamBam could sense the tension and excused themselves to their bedroom, still muttering about whether they wanted to order Korean or Thai food.

“I know, I’m sorry, but the stuff with the company took longer than I thought it would. I’ll go tomorrow or something.” Jaebum shrugged, pulling at a thread in his jeans to keep his hands busy.

“Or something?” Jackson asked incredulously, moving to sit down beside Jaebum, so close that he was practically sitting on the older boy.

“Are you feeling okay, Jaebum?” Jackson sounded genuinely worried as he tried to catch his leader’s eye.

“Yeah, I’m fine, why?” Jaebum insisted, exasperated and a little uncomfortable under Jackson’s imploring eyes.

“Well, the only reason you wouldn’t be by Youngjae’s side right now is if you physically couldn’t so, you must be feeling sick.”

“Oh my god, Jackson, back off. I have responsibilities as the leader, ok? I can’t just drop everything to go see him, unlike you guys.” Jaebum finally snapped, hoping to stop the conversation there, but Jackson only raised an eyebrow, apparently unaffected by Jaebum’s tone.

“Never stopped you before.”

“Yeah, well, it’s past visiting hours now so, like I said, I’ll go see him tomorrow.”

“Visiting hours, my ass. He’s in a private room like you were when you had your spinal injury, do you remember that by the way? Your injury? How you were stuck in that hospital room missing our first concerts abroad, but Youngjae stayed with you right up to the moment we had to leave for the airport?” Jackson pressed, and Jaebum could not deny the guilt he felt squirming in his chest.  “He stayed there every night you were there unless he physically couldn’t because that’s how much you mean to each other.” He ended his last statement with a soft smile. Jackson could never stay angry for long at any of the members. Jaebum couldn’t help but smile a little too at the memory.

“I can’t believe you did that,” Youngjae scolded as he pushed Jaebum on his wheelchair back to his room. “We let you be at the concert to say a few words and you go and bow, probably making the injury worse, what were you thinking?”

“I needed to show the fans how sorry I am. They paid all that money and I stupidly go and get injured. I owe it to them. Plus, I feel great. I should’ve performed.” Jaebum shrugged, trying not to wince at the pain lacing up his back with the simple movement.

“Oh my god, you’re impossible,” Youngjae complained, leaning over Jaebum to push open his hospital room door. The older boy tried to help by leaning forward in the wheelchair, but Youngjae mercilessly smacked the side of his head with a sharp “don’t move”. Jaebum continued to grumble about Youngjae giving him brain damage as the younger boy rolled him over the threshold and parked him beside the bed.  Youngjae immediately moved to help Jaebum out of the wheelchair even though Jaebum tried to wave him away.

“Stop fussing, I can stand up by myself.” Jaebum was all too aware of how worn out Youngjae must be after their first concert never mind having to push Jaebum around on that stupid wheelchair. The rest of the members were probably already asleep in the dorm completely drained.

Youngjae was doing a good job of hiding his exhaustion though, keeping up playful banter with Jaebum all the way to the hospital. He doubted the younger would be able to half carry him into bed and, back be damned, Jaebum could still do things for himself. Youngjae raised his hands in surrender and looked at Jaebum expectantly.

He moved as slowly as he could, holding onto the bed rail for support, but the pain, once he righted himself, made Jaebum double over gasping for air, knees almost buckling. Youngjae was immediately there, wrapping Jaebum’s arm around his own shoulder as if he’d done this a million times, no fear in his soothing voice that kept up a stream of reassurance. Jaebum tried to hold as much of his own weight as he could while he caught his breath and willed his vision to un-blur.

“Let me help you. You don’t have to do this alone.” Youngjae whispered and Jaebum’s body gave in, leaning on the younger boy for support. It took an embarrassingly long time and a lot of maneuvering before Youngjae managed to lie Jaebum down. He tried his best to place Jaebum down gently, but the older boy still winced in pain once his back made contact with the thin hospital bed mattress. Jaebum closed his eyes in relief at not having to move another muscle. Jaebum counted it as a victory that he only visibly flinched twice from the pain the whole time.

“Your stupidity is going to get you killed one day, I swear,” Youngjae grumbled. Jaebum vaguely heard the sound of a chair scraping across the floor before he felt Youngjae’s hand pushing his hair off his forehead.

“Worth it.” Jaebum sleepily grinned, eyes still closed as he savoured the soothing feeling of Youngjae carding through his hair, scratching his scalp with the lightest of touches. Jaebum could feel himself slipping into unconscious but pushed back against the lull of sleep. Youngjae’s ministrations were making that infinitely harder to do.

“Mmm…stop,” Jaebum whined, tugging at Youngjae’s hand and interlocking it with his own. Jaebum struggled to open his eyes that felt as heavy as bricks and focus on the boy in front of him. Youngjae was staring at their intertwined hands with a look of confusion.

“Sorry, I thought you liked that. It always used to make you sleep.”

“Exactly. I don’t wanna sleep, I wanna talk about the concert s’more.” Jaebum slurred out, putting far too much concentration into simply keeping his eyes from shutting.

“Jaebum, we can talk about it in the morning? You need to sleep.” Youngjae looked at Jaebum like he was a child trying to stay up late to watch his favourite movie on TV.

“M’fine, not steepy. I mean sleeply, no, sleepy.” Jaebum mumbled, shaking his head as if he could physically dispel his drowsiness.

“Jaebum…” Youngjae coaxed, but Jaebum wasn’t listening. He’d been meaning to say something to the younger boy all night.

“You sang our song so well, y’know,” Jaebum praised, making sure to look Youngjae straight in the eye. “I cried backstage,” Jaebum admitted a little embarrassed by his own reaction, eyes now staring at Youngjae’s hand in his. The younger boy squeezed his hand gently before Jaebum continued.

“I wanted to be up there with you so bad, but this stupid injury wouldn’t let me so I just sat there, singing along by myself.” Jaebum laughed bitterly, playing with Youngjae’s hand to distract himself enough to keep any more tears at bay.

“We’ll sing it together someday. You just need to rest and let yourself heal, ok?” Youngjae promised, his voice cracking at points.

‘His voice must still be sore from the concert.’ Jaebum reasoned.

“No more stunts like earlier Jaebum. I mean it.” Youngjae pressed, firmer than before.

“Ok,” Jaebum responded, voice small, finally looking up at Youngjae. He looked drained with no makeup to cover the prominent dark circles under his eyes. Jaebum shouldn’t selfishly keep him here when Youngjae could be sleeping at home. “Sorry I know it’s late and you must be so tired. Go home and sleep.”

“Oh, uh, I had planned on staying here tonight, if that’s ok. The company knows and everything and are cool with it, but if I’m just getting in the way th-” Youngjae stuttered unsure, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

“No, no, I’d love having someone here. It gets lonely and the nurses intimidate me,” Jaebum smiled reassuringly. “But where are you going to sleep?” There was only one bed and Jaebum was currently occupying it.

“Here.” Youngjae patted the stiff looking armchair he was sitting in, reclining a little to demonstrate.

“No, you’re not,” Jaebum shook his head. No way in hell was he going to let Youngjae sleep in that sorry excuse for a chair. “You’re going to wreck your back doing that and you have another concert tomorrow,” Jaebum shifted a little on the mattress as he spoke so he was pressed up against the left-hand side of the bed. “C’mon, there’s space up here.” He grinned, patting the empty spot beside him.

“What if I make it worse?” Youngjae gnawed at his lower lip, eyes darting between Jaebum and the mattress.

“You won’t as long as I lay back on my back everything should be ok. It’ll be a bit snug, sure, but we’re used to sharing a mattress and honestly? I’ve missed my teddy bear.” Jaebum teased, grinning like an idiot at Youngjae’s horrified expression.

“Ew, gross! Now I’m definitely sleeping in this chair.” Youngjae huffed as Jaebum continued to laugh despite the pain the vibrations sparked in his back.

“C’mon, I’m sick,” Jaebum whined, pouting until Youngjae relented with a sigh and moved to sit on the bed. The younger boy didn’t lie down at first, sitting up against the pillows so Jaebum had to look up at him to see his face.

Youngjae had an odd expression on his face that Jaebum couldn’t quite place. Before he even could try to decipher the mix of emotions, Jaebum’s eyes involuntarily closed as Youngjae had started playing with the older boy’s hair again.

Jaebum’s smile fell as he realised they could never share a moment like that again. It was all so confusing. Jaebum felt like he was going insane. His emotions and thoughts were this big tumbling mess in his head. He’d always been taught that what Youngjae is was wrong and while Jaebum believed that, he didn’t want Youngjae to be in the hospital. He didn’t want to see the younger boy hurt. Jaebum felt like a rope that someone was playing tug of war with.

There wouldn’t be a winner though.

The most likely outcome was Jaebum would snap in half. Jackson could say whatever he wanted, but Jaebum knew the truth. He and Youngjae may have meant a lot to each other once, but not now.

Jaebum is the last person Youngjae would want to see.

“So, you’re going tonight, right?” Jackson asked expectantly, breaking through Jaebum’s reverie. Jaebum didn’t need to come up with an excuse as Mark got there before him, standing at the entrance to the living room with a backpack.

“I’m going. I’ve already okayed it with the company,” Mark’s tone left no room for argument. “Sorry Jaebum, maybe another time.” The older boy shrugged, smiling sweetly at the leader. 

“You guys brought everything he needed earlier, right?” Mark asked.

“Yep.”

“Even his lyric notebook?” Jaebum questioned, grabbing both boys attention.

“I didn’t know he had one…” Mark frowned as if he didn’t believe Jaebum.

“Yeah, he used to keep it hidden under his pillow in our room. I’d say it’s somewhere similar in yours. I can have a look if you want?”

“No. It’s fine, I’ll check.”

Mark returned a few minutes later with a leather-bound notebook in hand, disbelief colouring his features. His expression turned blank once he saw Jaebum looking at him with a smug smile.

“Thanks,” Mark muttered gruffly before heading for the door.

***

Youngjae and Mark were sitting in comfortable silence munching on the ramen Mark had snuck in and despite everything, Youngjae felt happy for the first time in days. The pain meds they were giving him made him drowsy, but at least he couldn’t feel anything anymore. They were half watching a show on the TV in his room when Mark exclaimed as if he suddenly remembered he’d left the stove on at home.

“I have something for you!” Mark rooted around in his overnight bag for a minute before producing a pen and notebook that Youngjae instantly recognised.

“How the hell did you get this?” He whispered in awe as Mark handed them to him with a grin. Youngjae saw the older boy’s smile falter a little before answering.

“Jaebum told me about it.” Mark seemed to be watching Youngjae carefully for any shift in his expression. Youngjae tried his best to keep his smile bright as he thanked Mark for bringing it. He placed the notebook beside him on the bed and was about to change the topic when Mark suddenly shattered the silence.

“I know you didn’t fall.” Mark started, hard gaze making Youngjae freeze for a second before rushing to deny what Mark was saying.

“What are you talki-” But Mark wasn’t about to let him finish.

“Don’t lie to me. Jinyoung may buy it, but I don’t. I know for a fact the last time you practiced alone was that time Dae-Jung was an ass to you and that was too long ago. Your story doesn’t fit the doctor’s timeline. Since then we’ve been watching you like a hawk, to make sure an injury like this didn’t happen. So it’s something else and you’re not telling us. That must mean it’s bad.” Mark ended his little speech with his fists clenched on his lap, his jaw tight as he looked determinedly at Youngjae. The younger boy couldn’t maintain the intense eye contact for long, tears prickling at the back of his eyes. He instead focused on the wall behind Mark and made his choice.

“Do you remember the day you found me in the bathroom?” Youngjae asked, voice steadier than he thought it would be. He waited until Mark nodded mutely before continuing to tell his roommate everything that happened that day. Youngjae finally told him every last detail from Jaebum pushing him up against the door, damaging his back to the hateful words their leader had spat at Youngjae. Mark was silent for a long time afterward. Suddenly he jumped up, nearly knocking his chair over in the process.

“I’m going to fucking kill him.” Mark hissed, pacing around the small hospital room. Youngjae had never seen Mark so angry before. His whole body seemed to shake with rage as he continued to rant.

“You have to report this to the company, he can’t get away with this. I refuse to live with him. To let you live with him.” Mark spat, voice raising considerably, looking like he wanted to punch something. Youngjae needed to calm him down before he got himself kicked out of the hospital.

“Mark! Stop! The nurses won’t like you shouting.” Youngjae tried to reason, but it did little to stop the older boy who continued to trace a path back and forth in front of Youngjae’s bed.

“It’s o-”

“Don’t say it’s ok, Youngjae, don’t you dare. It’s not ok and he will pay for what he’s done.” Mark cut across him, clearly upset, but at least he wasn’t yelling anymore.

“I’m not reporting him,” Youngjae announced, arms crossed stubbornly.

“Excuse me?! Yes, you fucking are.”

So much for Mark not yelling.

“There’s nothing to report. It was an accident, he had no idea he was hurting me. I don’t forgive him, but I am not tearing the group apart because of this.” Youngjae shook his head, eyes hard and resolute.

“It wouldn’t be you tearing it apart, Jaebum’s already done that himself. Stop protecting him.” Mark snapped, exasperated by Youngjae’s behaviour.

“I’m not-”

“Yes you are and I don’t care how much you love him. He’s clearly not safe to be around.” Mark grit out, arms crossed to match Youngjae as they stared each other down.

“Mark, there’s stuff you don’t know about, ok?” Youngjae looked away first, sighing heavily and rubbing his face in exhaustion. “Just trust me to sort this out. The company doesn’t need to be involved.” He pleaded.

“If I don’t get it then tell me what it is I don’t know. Help me understand because this all sounds crazy to me, Youngjae.”

“It’s not my secret to tell, I’m sorry.” Youngjae breathed out, pressing his lips together and looking down at the hospital sheets.

“There you go, protecting him again even though he’s done nothing to warrant it. What if Yugyeom says something that annoys him next time, hmm? And then the kid ends up in hospital. That’d be on us because we stood by and didn’t say anything.”

“He’d never hurt Yugyeom.” Youngjae retorted, indignant.

“I’d have said the same about you, Youngjae.”

“All I’m asking you to do is trust me, please, Mark?” Youngjae begged. Telling the company wouldn’t help anything. It didn’t last time.

“I do trust you. It’s Jaebum that I don’t trust. I can’t pretend that nothing’s changed, but if you don’t want to say anything, I’ll respect that.” Mark looked like he’d sucked on a lemon as he pushed the words out.

“Thank you.”

“I still don’t agree with all this.” Mark sighed, retaking his seat beside Youngjae’s bed.

“I know.”

They didn’t talk much after that, the mood a tense one. All the dramatics of the previous night coupled with the revelation about Jaebum seemed to take it out of Mark as he soon fell asleep. Youngjae sat awake though, thinking about everything that had happened in such a short space of time.

It made him dizzy how much had changed. He shifted his legs a little and felt the notebook poke the side of his thigh. The world could be falling apart but Youngjae knew one thing was constant.

His love for songwriting.

The relief of finding an external expression for an internal feeling is indescribable. Youngjae always preferred writing ballads to pop songs. They felt more honest and real. He believed emotions should be felt they no matter how painful or difficult. He likes to let them wash over him, do their damage and recede once more. Late at night after a day of intersecting sessions of backbreaking dance practice and demoralising vocal sessions he’d retreat to his room with headphones, a pen, and his treasured notebook.

Mark always hangs out in either Jinyoung or the youngest members’ rooms till long after their “bedtime”. On more than one occasion Mark’s even fallen asleep with Jinyoung, giving Youngjae a room of his own where he can finally be himself.

He doesn’t have to think about who he’s looking at, what he says or decipher what every slight movement could mean when the lights are off, curtains drawn and the door sealed.

It’s almost therapeutic.

Now, as he grabbed the notebook and opened it on a new page, all he can think of are the doctor’s words.

Blunt force trauma.

Youngjae didn’t know what came over him, but suddenly he was writing. He weaved words together, crossing some out along the way, adding in notes and pauses as he went. It wasn’t a song, but it was a start. The words rang again in his mind and without a second thought he wrote a singular word on his half-made composition.

Trauma.

Chapter Text

It’s not until the early hours of the morning that Jaebum’s brain gives in and allows sleep to claim his consciousness. Even then, he has to fight for dominance against nightmares that attack with vicious vividness.

They hadn’t visited in so long that Jaebum had forgotten the power they held over him. The muddled images of a small boy and a terrifying woman towering over him are always accompanied by this phantom pain that jolts him awake as if he’s been slapped.

Jaebum wakes up after three hours of closed eyes to stare at bloodshot ones in the mirror. His body aches from tensing during the night. Every morning he feels more exhausted than the night before. With a heavy hazy head, he frowns his way to the kitchen.

The kettle rumbling to life, while comforting with its promise of coffee, does little to lift his mood. No one else has woken yet so Jaebum has the kitchen to himself, but the silence is suffocating once the water is boiled. He mechanically pours the boiling water over his coffee granules, watching the mug fill with the bitter liquid that promises to wake him up.

The monotony of stirring his spoon back and forth, back and forth, maddens Jaebum into thinking about him. In the reflective surface of the steaming coffee, Jaebum sees not his own face but his. He snaps himself back into reality, angrily dispelling the image of his disappointed face out of the reflection of the coffee and out of Jaebum’s mind with a flick of his spoon. If only he could erase that look from the inside of his eyes. It had been years since Jaebum had thought about him, but the dreams always made the fear re-surface.  

He presses his cold hands against the mugs heated exterior, hissing as it attempts to circulate life back into his cramped and dry bones. It’s been days since Youngjae fainted, but Jaebum still hasn’t visited. The group had set up a rota of sorts so that despite their busy schedule, Youngjae wouldn’t be alone for too long.

Jaebum had completely ignored the timetable Jinyoung had stuck to the fridge. Visiting Youngjae wouldn’t do the younger any good. Every time he and Jaebum interacted lately they ended up fighting.

Youngjae would probably just ask him to leave.

Jaebum was pretty sure Mark had been taking all his time slots anyway. He could hear the older boy stumbling in late the other night. Jaebum apparently wasn’t the only one ignoring the rota. Youngjae would rather see Mark or one of the other members instead, Jaebum was sure of it. Still, every day as he made his morning coffee, he couldn’t help but check when his next slot was. He wasn’t surprised to see Jinyoung had put him down for 10 am ‘til lunchtime for today as they technically had the morning off to do whatever they wanted.

Jaebum had been toying with the idea of practicing or working on compositions since his brain wouldn’t let him sleep in, but maybe he should visit Youngjae. If he went early enough Youngjae might still be asleep, but what if he wasn’t? Jaebum wouldn’t know what to say to the younger, but he was the leader. He had to go, right? Jaebum’s conflicting thoughts were interrupted by a sleepy BamBam hanging off of him, begging the leader to make coffee.

“Let go of me first. I can’t make coffee with you hugging me like a koala.” Jaebum grumbled playfully, detaching himself from the clingy younger boy.

***

Jaebum tried to focus on the half-finished song in front of him, but the notes seemed to float off the page and mock him. He just couldn’t concentrate on the beats, on lyrics, on anything. Jaebum had hoped going to his workroom would help distract him. He had hoped the music blasting from his speakers would quiet the small voice in the back of his mind that kept telling him to visit Youngjae.

He knew the guilt would just keep slowly eating away at him.

There was no use in avoiding Youngjae like this. It wouldn’t keep the guilt at bay. He should never have forced the younger boy to reach up and get those stupid snacks. It was all his fault and here he was, being a coward hiding away in a cupboard like a child. He just needed to suck it up and apologise. So, before he could convince himself otherwise, Jaebum grabbed his jacket and headed to the hospital.

***

Jaebum’s resolve had left once he found himself outside Youngjae’s room. He felt so dumb just standing there, a large packet of sweet potato chips clutched in one hand. His other hand hovered over the door handle hesitantly. The last time he had felt this nervous he’d been waiting to hear if he would debut or not. He shouldn’t be so on edge, it was just his Youngjae after all.

Well, no.

Youngjae wasn’t his anymore.

Jaebum’s not sure he ever was his in the first place. He couldn’t think about that now. He had a boy to apologize to and he’d already made him wait long enough. Jaebum regretted coming to visit the second he opened the door and saw Mark curled up beside Youngjae on the hospital bed.

The older boy was holding Youngjae’s hand, his head resting on the younger’s shoulder as he showed him something on his phone. Jaebum considered turning around and pretending to have never witnessed such an intimate moment, but fate was against him. Mark looked up at the sound of the door opening, the smile on his face immediately dropping once he saw Jaebum.

“What are you doing here?” Mark questioned, standing up as if to move towards him. Youngjae stopped him though, gripping the older boys’ wrist to keep Mark beside him. Despite the odd response from Mark, Jaebum felt relief wash over at the sight of Youngjae sitting up awake. The image of the younger boy lying there lifeless had been seared into Jaebum’s mind. To see Youngjae moving, to see different expressions flash across his face, gave Jaebum peace of mind.

“What do you mean?” Jaebum awkwardly laughed, taken aback at the glare Mark was sending his way. He’d never heard the older boy sound so aggressive before. “Jinyoung scheduled me for this morning so…um, here I am.” Jaebum shrugged, smiling weakly.

“Well, I’m here now. So, you can go.” Mark retorted, smiling back at Jaebum even though the leader could see how tense the other boy still was from the set of his shoulders.

“Markie….” Youngjae murmured, barely above a whisper, as if to make sure Jaebum wouldn’t hear. He still heard it though, and couldn’t help but cringe at the casual term of endearment. It reminded him too much of when Youngjae used to call him Jaebummie. How long had it been since he’d heard the younger say Jaebum’s name with so much softness and familiarity? Mark ignored the boy tugging on his arm, staring Jaebum down.

“Yeah, but you look pretty tired. Why don’t you go home, Mark?” Jaebum suggested, but he had hardly gotten the question out before Mark cut in again, his voice tight.

“I’m fine.”

“Ok… “Jaebum dithered uncomfortably. “Well, I need to talk to Youngjae. Do you mind giving us a minute?”

“Yeah, I do actually.” Mark sat back down on the bed, interlacing his fingers with Youngjae’s as if on instinct.  “I’m pretty comfy here, go ahead.” Mark shrugged nonchalantly, throwing a protective arm around Youngjae for good measure. The younger boy refused to look at Jaebum, leaning into Mark for support. The way they were acting was completely throwing Jaebum off.

“I’d really rather speak to him on his own, Mark.” Jaebum pressed, trying to convey his true intentions with his eyes. The older acted like Jaebum hadn’t spoken, turning to Youngjae instead. Both pairs of eyes bore into the younger boy as they waited for his input. Jaebum was the first to break the uneasy silence.

“Youngjae?”

“I want Mark here. Anything you want to say to me, you can say in front of him.” The younger boy finalised, voice strong, glancing up to catch Jaebum’s gaze and holding it, looking at him properly for the first time in weeks. Mark practically beamed at Youngjae’s words, pulling the younger a little closer.

“What’s going on? Am I missing something?” Jaebum snapped, irritated at how they were clearly keeping him in the dark. Was Mark just messing with him to see how long he could drag this out until Jaebum begged?

“Nothing’s going on. Why would you ask that?” Mark cocked his head to the side innocently as if confused by Jaebum’s frustration. The leader stared at Mark blankly, unable to understand why Youngjae was so insistent that Mark stays by his side. Jaebum just wanted to do the right thing and apologise, but he really didn’t want an audience. Mark being stubborn like that for whatever reason was starting piss Jaebum off, but he didn’t have the willpower to start an argument about it. He couldn’t afford to fall out with another member so, he’d just let Mark play whatever game this was.

“You know what? It doesn’t matter.” Jaebum ground out, plastering a fake smile of his own on his face. “I brought these for you, but you can throw them out if you don’t want ‘em.” He added, turning to look at Youngjae who only now seemed to notice the snacks Jaebum was holding. The younger was staring at them dumbfounded as Jaebum tossed the packet on the end of his bed.

“I’ll get out of your way now.”

Jaebum walked as quickly as he could away from that hospital room. He should never have gone. He didn’t know what he had been thinking. What was Mark’s problem? He had acted so weirdly. Mark was never confrontational. Jaebum must’ve done something to seriously annoy him.

Maybe he was ticked off about Jaebum not visiting Youngjae before now, but then wouldn’t he want Jaebum to stay? Mark had acted like Youngjae’s bodyguard or something. Had he caught on to the fact they were fighting just like Jinyoung had? The image of Mark and Youngjae sitting beside each other, holding hands. loomed in Jaebum’s mind again. They were all close in the group but something had changed between Mark and Youngjae in the last couple of months.

When Jaebum had first walked in earlier, the pair almost seemed like a couple, but that couldn’t possibly be the case. Mark was straight like the rest of them. Jaebum remembered talking about past girlfriends with him before so there was no way he was like Youngjae. He was wrenched from his thoughts by someone shouting in the hallway.

“Hey, Jaejoong!” Jaebum looked up and saw the intern from the Got2day shoot, Charlie, waving at him, smiling. He was holding a huge bouquet of flowers that covered nearly half his face and Jaebum knew who they were for. “You’re visiting Youngjae, too?”

“That’s none of your business, Carl,” Jaebum grunted, shoving past the kid causing, the bouquet to jostle a little in his hands.

***

Jaebum was in the practice room days later, going over old choreography, when Jinyoung suddenly burst in, phone in his hand and out of breath. Panic instantly filled Jaebum’s chest at the sight, running to meet his best friend at the door. Who was it now? The others had all seemed fine this morning at breakfast. Apart from the fact, Mark was still giving him the cold shoulder, nothing had been amiss.

“What’s wrong?” Jaebum questioned as Jinyoung tried to speak through heaving breaths.

“I… forgot….to collect….. Coco.” He finally managed to gasp out, fanning his red his face.

“What.” Jaebum deadpanned.

“I told Wonpil I’d pick Coco up this morning, but I forgot and he’s outside our dorm with her now, but no one’s home. You have to go let him in and look after her until Youngjae gets home.” Jinyoung explained, breaths evening out as he waved his phone at Jaebum to show him the texts from Wonpil.

“Why me?” Jaebum groaned, running a hand through his hair. He really didn’t want to spend the afternoon dog-sitting for Jinyoung.

“Because everyone else is busy? I have a meeting now for that drama I was telling you about. Please, Jaebum? It’ll only be for an hour or so ‘til Youngjae gets home.” Jinyoung begged, pulling on Jaebum’s arm a little.

“They’re discharging him today?” Jaebum had already seen the emails from their manager detailing when Youngjae would be home, hence Jaebum’s decision to spend the whole day in the practice room. He had planned to come home late when everyone else would hopefully be asleep, but of course, Jinyoung somehow managed to interfere again.

“Yeah, I thought having Coco back would be a nice surprise. I know he misses her. So, will you?” Jinyoung asked, smiling hopefully at him until the older boy nodded reluctantly. He cheered, quickly hugging Jaebum before running back the way he came, yelling his thanks.

“You better get that part!” Jaebum shouted back, shaking his head in amusement at his friend.

***

After making small talk with Wonpil about promotions and the company while Coco yapped beside him, Jaebum made his way back into the dorm with a squirming dog in his arms.

“Ok, ok! I get it! You don’t like me holding you. I’ll let you down once we’re inside. How does Youngjae get you to sit still?” Jaebum muttered under his breath. Coco only barked in response, struggling more so that she actually managed to slip out of Jaebum’s hands. The second her feet hit the ground, Coco started sprinting up the stairs of their apartment building.

“Hey! Get back here!” Jaebum yelled out, chasing after her. He’d actually be skinned alive if anything happened to that dog. The rest were all so whipped for her. Jaebum took the stairs two at a time in an attempt to catch her, but she was too fast. He wasn’t expecting it, but once he turned the corner on the last staircase Jaebum saw Coco sitting outside their front door as if waiting for him.

“Was I walking too slow or something?” He chuckled, unlocking the door and letting the excited dog in first. She immediately scampered off down the hall without another glance at Jaebum. It was when he turned to close the door that he heard Coco whimpering. Jaebum followed the sound, worried she’d hurt herself, but then he rounded the corner and saw her pawing at Youngjae’s bedroom door, whining, and he understood.

“He’s not home yet, but you’ll see him soon. C’mon let’s eat.” Jaebum sighed, scooping the small dog up easily and cuddling her to his chest. He gently stroked her fur as she continued to fuss against him on their way to the kitchen. “I know, I know. I miss him too.” Jaebum sadly mumbled into Coco’s fur.

Once they were in the kitchen, Coco had settled considerably, probably realising she was going to be fed. Jaebum carefully placed her on the ground, finding her bowl and pouring some of the kibbles she eats into it. They didn’t look particularly appetising to him, but the second Jaebum put the bowl down Coco stuck her face in it devouring the kibbles.

Jaebum was feeling peckish himself so he was just going to grab a snack. He searched their fridge for something to eat, but the only fresh non-mouldy food were some grapes Jackson had bought yesterday. Jaebum decided to steal them, even though he wasn’t particularly hungry as they were going to go off soon anyway if someone didn’t eat them.

Shrugging, Jaebum took the bowl with him to the living room, popping grapes in his mouth on the way. He didn’t realise Coco was following him until he dropped a grape on the floor, kicking it across the room with his foot and saw the dog chase after it. Once she had caught the grape, instead of playing with, like Jaebum thought she would, Coco ate it.

“You like grapes, too?” Jaebum laughed, amazed that dogs could even like fruit. Coco circled his legs, begging for more, so Jaebum sat down beside the couch and started throwing her grapes to catch.

Jaebum sat there, happily scrolling through his phone and playing his game fetch of the grape with Coco, eating some himself until the bowl was nearly empty. After a while, Coco stops nudging Jaebum to throw more grapes and just lay on her stomach beside him. Jaebum assumed she was just going to fall asleep as she was probably tired from all the running she did earlier, but she didn’t close her eyes.

“You ok, Coco?” Jaebum asked, patting her head softly. Coco just looked up at him with her big eyes and for a second he thought he saw sadness there. “Don’t worry, your mommy will be home any minute now. Grape?” Jaebum popped another one in his mouth before offering Coco one too, but she shrank away from it.

“What are you doing!?”

Jaebum snapped his head at the shout and saw Youngjae standing there in the threshold, a bag beside him on the ground and a look of horror on his face. He looked a lot healthier than he had a couple of days ago back at the hospital, his face not as drawn or pale, his hair fluffy.

Jaebum nearly fell over trying to stand up, his legs stiff from sitting down so long. Surprisingly, Coco didn’t make a move to run over to Youngjae, simply whimpering from her spot on the floor.

“Playing with Coco. Did you know she likes grapes?” Jaebum excitedly asked. The look Youngjae gave him confused Jaebum as he seemed even more afraid now at the news that Coco loved grapes.

“No, she doesn’t! Grapes are bad for her! You’ve poisoned my dog!” Youngjae yelled, his voice rising with each sentence.

“What are you talking about? She’s fine.” Jaebum scoffed, pointing at Coco who had now stood up and started walking towards him. Youngjae was just over-reacting, Coco was clearly fine.

And then, as if on cue, she proceeded to vomit on Jaebum’s foot.

Chapter Text

“I swear, she really does like grapes,” Jaebum muttered for what felt like the tenth time that day as they drove to the vet. Once Coco had finished getting sick on Jaebum, Youngjae had picked her up and demanded that Jaebum drive them to their local vet as he was the one who’d attempted to ‘murder’ her.

Jaebum had tried to explain everything, but Youngjae wasn’t having any of it, opting to yell at Jaebum to hurry up. So, he had changed his socks and grabbed his keys and now here they were, shrouded in the heavy silence of the company’s car.

“I’m not talking to you. You tried to kill my dog.” Youngjae snapped, worriedly petting the ball of fluff that was Coco on his lap.

“It was an accident! How was I supposed to know that dogs are allergic to grapes?” Jaebum demanded, trying to focus on not crashing the car.

“How stupid can you be?” Youngjae countered, turning to look at Jaebum in exasperation. “Ugh, stop saying things. I told you I’m not talking to you. Just drive.”

“Coco would back me up if she could talk,” Jaebum mumbled, childishly pouting at Youngjae while they were stopped at a traffic light. The younger boy was staring out the windscreen, refusing to acknowledge Jaebum’s presence or his words. He could’ve sworn though that at his words Youngjae’s mouth twitched a little in amusement. It was most likely just Jaebum’s imagination as Youngjae turned to glare at him, not a trace of humour in his features.

“The light is green. Go.” Youngjae snapped, jerking his head in the direction of the traffic light impatiently. Jaebum hurried to comply, almost making the engine cut out in his rush to get the car moving again. It was so strange being alone with Youngjae like this. Especially after everything that had happened.

Jaebum didn’t know what to do with himself.

He had so many questions for the younger boy that he knew he didn’t deserve the answers to. Jaebum wondered had Youngjae eaten yet today. Had he been eating well while in the hospital? How was he feeling right now? Was he in any pain? Did he eat those snacks Jaebum bought him or did he throw them out? Did he like the flowers that stupid intern brought him or did he think they were tacky just like Jaebum had?

Before Jaebum knew it, they were outside the veterinary practice and Youngjae was stepping out of the car with Coco and Jaebum’s questions were left to sit in a dark corner of his mind.

Jaebum hurried out after the younger boy, jogging to catch up. Youngjae barely spared him a glance as he held the door open for Jaebum. Once they were both inside, Youngjae pushed past Jaebum to rush to the front desk where a woman smiled at him in recognition.

“What brings you here, Youngjae? How is our Coco doing?” The receptionist cooed, leaning over to stroke the still drowsy dog in Youngjae’s arms. Jaebum hovered awkwardly just behind Youngjae’s shoulder, unsure what to do with himself.

“She’s not feeling great at the moment,” Youngjae answered, worry lacing his tone. “This idiot fed her grapes.” Youngjae scoffed scornfully, gesturing to a nervous Jaebum behind him. The receptionist finally acknowledged Jaebum’s existence, peering over Youngjae’s shoulder curiously.

“Don’t worry, these things happen. She’s in good hands now.” She assured Jaebum kindly, sending him a sympathetic smile. Youngjae looked like he was about to protest anyone being this nice to Jaebum, but the receptionist was already rifling through papers on her desk, paying them no heed.

“It’s your lucky day! We’ve no appointments booked so Younghyun can see you in the next ten minutes or so. You can take a seat boys.” The receptionist waved them over to the couches and plastic chairs before disappearing into a back room, leaving Youngjae and Jaebum alone once again. Pretending as if Jaebum wasn’t there, Youngjae walked over to the empty seats, cradling Coco closer to his chest once he was properly seated.

Jaebum eyed the one couch and many plastic seats the cramped reception had to offer before choosing the empty one beside Youngjae. Without missing a beat, the younger boy stood up and moved so that there was one vacant seat in between them.

“Mature.” Jaebum scoffed, shaking his head before covering his face with his hands.

“I’m doing you a favour. I didn’t think you’d want to sit that close to someone like me.” Jaebum could practically taste the bitterness in Youngjae’s words, it dripped off them like poison.

Jaebum didn’t know how to respond.

Yes, it was easier the farther away Youngjae was, but Jaebum didn’t like it. Not one bit. He couldn’t say that to Youngjae, it would just complicate everything further. A clean break was what had worked last time. He couldn’t backtrack now. Jaebum had made his bed of nails, now he’d have to lie in it. No matter how much it hurt.

“You should lie on the couch. The chairs will hurt your back.” Jaebum sighed, choosing to ignore Youngjae’s last statement altogether and righting himself in order to face the younger boy.

Coco was still curled up in Youngjae’s lap, using his coat as a blanket while she slept. Youngjae looked incredulous as he stared at the older boy who met his startled gaze with a firm one of his own. The younger boy’s wide eyes narrowed and he seemed to grit his teeth at what he saw in Jaebum’s expression. Jaebum was about to repeat himself, afraid Youngjae hadn’t heard him the first time when the younger boy suddenly spoke up, his voice thick with emotion.

“Don’t pretend to care.” Youngjae’s eyes were glassy and his lips trembled a little around the last word, but he looked determined as he shook his head at Jaebum. It wasn’t sadness that had Youngjae shaking, but an anger that seemed to roll off him in waves, crashing over Jaebum. He was taken aback by Youngjae’s words. Of course, he cared about him.

That’s what made this all so much harder.

The older boy didn’t know how to act around this kind of Youngjae. One that clearly hated him. Youngjae had always been his happy little roommate who only cried when he was homesick and only got irritated by losing those computer games that he religiously played. Jaebum used to be able to make everything better with a few words and a simple hug, but they weren’t like that anymore. Jaebum had gone too far this time.

“Youngjae, I-” Jaebum wasn’t sure what he was going to say, but it didn’t matter because whatever he had planned was cut short by the vet opening the waiting room door.

“Choi-Tuan Coco? Come on in.” The vet smiled, oblivious to the tension between the two men as he gestured to the consultation room. It was almost scary how Youngjae suddenly had a bright grin on his face as he thanked the vet and stood up with Coco.

Jaebum, unsure what to do with himself, just followed behind Youngjae, ignoring the curious glances the vet kept sending his way. When they were in the room, the younger kept himself busy placing Coco down as gently as he could on the vet’s table as to not wake her. It was a pointless effort as she seemed to sense where she was and stirred awake on the cool metal table, whimpering quietly while Youngjae stroked her comfortingly. Jaebum felt out of place in the sterile room as Youngjae ignored him and the vet pulled on some rubber gloves.

“So, Hye-mi said Coco ate some grapes. Has she gotten sick yet?” The vet questioned, looking for something in one of his many drawers that lined the room.

“Yeah, but only once. And she still seems uncomfortable.” Youngjae explained, moving out of the way as the vet approached the table.

“Oh no! We can’t have that, can we Coco?” He asked, rubbing the small dog’s head and cupping her face. “Where’s your daddy today, hmm?”

“Daddy?” Jaebum asked blankly.

“Mark is at practice right now,” Youngjae answered, ignoring Jaebum standing beside him as best he could. Jaebum knew the vet was only joking around, but he couldn’t help but feel like he was intruding on something. He wasn’t supposed to be here. This was Mark and Youngjae’s thing and even though Mark wasn’t here right now, Jaebum felt out of place.

“Oh. That’s a shame,” The vet shrugged, easing Coco into a lying position on the table. “Who is this?” he asked, nodding at Jaebum.

“The one who poisoned her with grapes,” Youngjae responded before Jaebum could properly introduce himself.

“It was an accident!” Jaebum exclaimed, throwing his arms up in the air in exasperation.

“Well, maybe if you weren’t so stupid-” Youngjae started angrily, twisting to face Jaebum.

“Aw no, no, it’s ok Coco,” The vet soothed the now very agitated dog whose whining had become more pronounced. “She doesn’t like it when you fight. If you want to yell at each other then take it outside.” He chided them, with a disapproving frown that had both men ducking their heads in embarrassment.

The rest of their visit passed without a hitch. Both Youngjae and Jaebum were silent for the most part as the vet gave Coco a laxative that would help pass the rest of the grapes out of her system.

“The laxative generally takes effect quite quickly, so I’d bring her on a walk once you’re home so she can use the ladies room, ok? Once she’s done she should be right as rain.” The vet said, picking up Coco and handing her back to Youngjae with a reassuring pat on the back.

They both thanked him and headed out, Coco resuming her sleepy demeanour from earlier as she nuzzled into Youngjae. The walk to the car was a silent one, but it was out of tiredness more so than anything else. This time, to save them both from the unusual quiet between them, Jaebum turned on the radio as he drove away from the vets.

Youngjae didn’t seem to object as he continued to look out the passenger side’s window, not passing any comment. He even started humming a little to some of the songs that played on the radio.

It had gotten darker since they’d left the dorm, and a look at the dashboard revealed that it was six in the evening. The others would all be back now from practice and getting ready for dinner by now. Jaebum had texted Jinyoung earlier telling him what had happened, but the only response he had gotten was “lol, you fool.”

Thinking about dinner had Jaebum hoping it hadn’t been long since the last time Youngjae had eaten. Again. Maybe he had breakfast at the hospital? The younger boy must be hungry by now if he hadn’t eaten since then, but Youngjae hadn’t once complained.

Jaebum was just about to ask if Youngjae wanted to pull over somewhere and get food to bring home, but Coco got in there before him. The sleeping dog was now awake and scratching at the window as if she wanted to get out. Youngjae was staring down at her, petting her back to calm her down, confusion clear on his face before his eyes widened in understanding.

“Jaebum! We need to pull over! The laxative! She needs to use the bathroom, pull over!” Youngjae rushed out, excitedly waving his hands around and bouncing a little on his seat.

“What?! If she poops in this car the company will kill us, this is a rental!” Jaebum exclaimed, frantically looking around to see if there was anywhere he could pull over.

“Don’t you think I know that? Just hurry!”

Thankfully, there wasn’t much traffic and Jaebum could easily enough pull in at the side of the road. The second the car stopped, Youngjae had his seatbelt off and was out of the car.

Jaebum couldn’t help but laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation as he saw Youngjae running to the nearest patch of grass with Coco held out in front of him at arms-length. He continued to watch as the younger plopped Coco on the mound of grass and stood over the dog waiting for something to happen. When five minutes had passed and they hadn’t returned, Jaebum switched off the engine and got out of the car to check up on them.

“What’s taking so long?” He asked once he was standing beside Youngjae who had his arms crossed and brow furrowed, staring down at the dog in the grass.

“She’s not going. She’s just lying there, it’s like she was messing with us.” Youngjae muttered, frowning accusingly at Coco. “So, will we start heading back?” Youngjae suggested, moving to pick Coco back up.

“Um, no. She hasn’t gone yet and that vet gave her a laxative. What if I can’t pull over next time and she shits all over the car? Nope. We’re waiting here ‘til she goes.” Jaebum nodded decidedly, sitting down beside Coco on the grass and looking up at Youngjae expectantly. The younger boy looked down at Jaebum like he had grown two heads and made no move to join him on the ground.

“You should sit. You shouldn’t be standing too long with your back injury.” Jaebum reasoned, patting the spot beside him while Youngjae still looked unsure as to what to do with himself. “I’m not pretending,” Jaebum promised, holding Youngjae’s gaze for what felt like ten minutes before the younger boy looked away and moved to sit down.

He sat as far away from Jaebum as he could while still staying close to Coco, but Jaebum was just glad to see Youngjae off his feet. The younger boy had only been released from the hospital. He should be at home resting, not having to deal with visits to the vet. The quicker Coco pooped the quicker they’d get home, but Jaebum had no idea how to speed that process along.

“How do you normally make her go to the bathroom?”

Youngjae looked at Jaebum like he was the stupidest man on the planet.

“I’ve never had to make her. But going on a walk might help. I don’t have her lead though.” Youngjae shrugged, looking down at Coco who was now happily rolling around on her back in the grass. He smiled fondly before scratching her exposed tummy as Jaebum googled ways to make a dog poo. As he was reading the first article he’d clicked into, Youngjae called his name and pointed at Coco who was now standing and stretching her legs. She then started walking around the grassy patch they’d found, sniffing every spot she could before circling back around.

“Do you think she-” Jaebum began, but Youngjae shushed him, pressing a finger to his own lips.

“Be quiet. You might spook her.” The younger boy whispered, watching in anticipation as Coco continued to amble through the grass, stopping occasionally to sniff the ground before moving on.

However, both men were left disappointed as she simply trotted back over to Jaebum, laying her head on his thigh, looking up at him and waiting to be pet. He gave her what she wanted, lightly scratching the top of her head.

“Since when does she like you so much?” Youngjae grumbled, crossing his arms and staring at Coco as if she had betrayed him.

“We bonded earlier.” Jaebum shrugged, smiling down at the small ball of fluff half sprawled on his leg. He glanced up at Youngjae who was frowning at Jaebum’s hand on Coco, lip caught between his teeth as if biting back what he really wanted to say.

Youngjae must’ve felt the weight of Jaebum’s gaze as his eyes flickered upwards to lock with Jaebum’s. It was only for a split second, as was the norm for them now. Youngjae was the one who looked away first, turning to stare straight ahead. Jaebum continued to gaze at the younger boy’s side profile, drinking in how Youngjae’s eyes searched for anything to focus on, how his jaw seemed to stiffen and his eyebrows pinched together.

Jaebum could tell Youngjae was uncomfortable. He could read the younger like a book. Every shift in Youngjae’s posture was like a familiar tune from his favourite song. Jaebum just couldn’t pin down what it all meant. Was Youngjae in physical pain because of his back? Did he feel awkward being forced to be alone with Jaebum? Was there something else plaguing his mind that he wouldn’t tell Jaebum anyway?

“Stop staring at me.” Youngjae ground out, not even glancing Jaebum’s way as he pulled his legs into his chest and wrapped his arms around himself. Jaebum couldn’t help but startle a little at Youngjae’s quiet demand, disturbing Coco’s place on his thigh. The dog looked as put out as its owner, grunting a little before stretching and wandering in Youngjae’s general direction.

“I- I wasn’t-” Jaebum shook his head, stumbling over the blatant lie and leaning a little closer to Youngjae. The younger boy barked out a humourless laugh, the unnatural sound making Jaebum cringe.

“How stupid do you think I am? I can feel you looking at me like I’m some sort of freak.” Youngjae ranted, hands balling into fists around his legs, eyes trained on the cars passing by on the road.

Jaebum sucked in a breath to keep denying his creepy gawking, but a flash of white in Jaebum’s peripheral caught his attention. Coco was back to furiously smelling patches of grass and slightly kicking the ground with her back legs but Youngjae hadn’t noticed yet, his frustration at Jaebum distracting him entirely.

“Honestly, I’d much rather you just went back to the way you used to ignore-”

“Shhh, shut up,” Jaebum interjected, slowly crawling to kneel beside Youngjae. The younger snapped his head to face Jaebum, eyes bulging comically as he looked at the older as if he’d just offended his whole family.

“Are you f-” Youngjae half spluttered half yelled before Jaebum clamped a hand over the younger boy’s mouth, the other's eyes widening further in fear. It was the first time in weeks Jaebum had touched Youngjae, without the older boy recoiling in disgust. Here Jaebum was, putting himself this close to Youngjae, so close the older boy could see the different shades of brown that made up Youngjae’s irises. Jaebum reminded himself he wasn’t allowed to notice these things, brown was brown and eyes were eyes.

He couldn’t let himself be tricked like that again.

“Look at Coco,” Jaebum whispered firmly, causing the younger to search out the small dog on the grass. The older boy was just thankful those eyes were no longer trained on him. He couldn’t let Youngjae distract him like that again. “I think she’s going to go,” Jaebum explained, dropping his hand from Youngjae’s face once he was sure the younger understood not to scare Coco with his loud voice.

The older moved to face Coco in anticipation as she continued to circle one patch of grass in particular, almost teasingly. Jaebum could feel Youngjae shifting beside him to sit up on his knees and monitor Coco with him.

“Y’know she’s-” Youngjae started his voice at its normal volume, but even that was too loud for Jaebum who shushed Youngjae immediately. Jaebum didn’t have to look over at the younger boy to know he was rolling his eyes before trying again.

“Y’know she’s probably just trying to get her bearings,” Youngjae whispered mockingly, shaking his head in disapproval. “You’re hardly a dog expert. You nearly killed her, remember?”

Jaebum just waved this off, shushing Youngjae again. The other boy sighed but settled in beside Jaebum, making himself comfortable. Jaebum was now leaning forward on his palms, staring intently at Coco who was ignoring the two boys as she itched her ear with her foot.

After about thirty seconds of this, Jaebum hung his head, shoulders slumped in defeat. Jaebum at this point isn’t even entirely sure why he’s so intent on not taking Coco home yet, but it seemed like this was all a waste of time. He was about to call it a day and head home when he suddenly felt Youngjae grab his shoulder and shake him.

“Look! She’s going!” Youngjae whisper-shouted in Jaebum’s ear, causing the older boy to jolt up and look in the direction Youngjae was pointing. There she was, a few feet away, pooping with abandon.

Jaebum turned to an equally excited Youngjae, both bursting out in laughter at how absurd the whole thing was and at how happy they were to see that goddamn dog poop. Without thinking, Jaebum wrapped an arm around the younger’s shoulder like he naturally would, pulling Youngjae in close, squeezing him tight to his side. Jaebum didn’t know if it was his own laughter or the warmth of the boy against him, but his chest felt lighter than it had in weeks. This was short lived as the younger boy’s giggles died out at the physical contact, his shoulders stiffening under Jaebum’s touch.

Youngjae didn’t need to move away this time as Jaebum was the one to retract his arm an apology of the tip of his tongue but Youngjae was a step ahead of him.

“I think we keep poop bags in the car. I’ll go grab them.” The younger excused himself, nodding for no reason and smiling uncomfortably at Jaebum before heading towards the car. Once the poop had been disposed of and Coco praised for being such a good girl, the pair were back in the car again and back among the confines of silence.

“I’m hungry.” Jaebum blurted out as he drove ever closer to their dorm, an idea forming in his mind. Youngjae looked over at him from his spot in the passenger’s seat, an unspoken question clear on his face.

“Do you wanna stop for food somewhere?” Jaebum ventured as nonchalantly as he could, his heart pounding in his chest. He didn’t dare look over at Youngjae. There was a moment of complete silence and Jaebum prepared himself for the younger boy’s refusal, but Youngjae was always full of surprises.

“Yeah, I could eat.” Youngjae’s tone was light, casual even, but there was a tentativeness in his words as if he was dealing with some unpredictable animal. “You’re paying, though. Near dog death and all.” He added, looking at the older boy with a teasing smile that reminded Jaebum of happier days.

“Deal.”

***

They ended up on a bench outside the convenience store where Youngjae had fainted less than two weeks prior. The younger boy seemed unperturbed by the choice, but Jaebum felt an uneasy sense of déjà vu walking through those same aisles with Youngjae.

He knew the younger was feeling much better, otherwise, he wouldn’t have been released from the hospital, but Jaebum also knew Youngjae was far from a full recovery.

The younger still insisted on helping Jaebum prepare and carry the ramen they had bought despite Jaebum’s assurance he could do it himself. He’d asked Youngjae to grab them a bench outside and wait, but the younger boy was just as stubborn as Jaebum remembered him being.

If Youngjae had noticed the worried glances Jaebum sent him as they walked to the picnic table together, ramen cups full of boiling water in hand, he didn’t pass comment on it.

The only sound that filled the evening air between the two boys was the soft music wafting from the convenience store and the scrape of plastic against cardboard as they scooped the noodles up. It was a comforting backdrop to what was otherwise a tense environment.

Youngjae was staring resolutely at his ramen, humming appreciatively every so often, only looking up to take a sip of his drink. It was when he’d reached for his banana milk for the second time that Jaebum caught his gaze. Instead of looking away like he’d expected, Youngjae raised an eyebrow at Jaebum as he swallowed.

“I, uh, jeez, why is this so hard?” Jaebum muttered more to himself than anyone else, wiping his hands on his jeans, taking a deep breath before looking back at Youngjae and continuing. The younger had frozen, his food forgotten as he stared at Jaebum scrambling for words.

“That, uh, day I came to the hospital. Do you remember it?” Jaebum waited for Youngjae to nod before carrying on. “I came to apologise that day. It’s my fault you ended up there, I owed it to you. But Mark was there and things were, um, weird so I left, but I should’ve just said it right then and there.” Jaebum could’ve sworn he saw something akin to hope flicker in Youngjae’s eyes at his words and it gave him the courage to go on.

“I know it’s too late, but I am sorry for making you reach up and get those stupid snacks when I could tell you were exhausted. I was being a petty asshole, putting personal shit ahead of the group. Now we can’t perform as seven and we’ve let the fans down which I take responsibility for. I shouldn’t have let the, uh, difficulties we’ve been having get in the way of the group’s success and it won’t happen again.”

Youngjae had looked away during Jaebum’s speech, head tilted back to look up at the slowly darkening sky. Jaebum patiently awaited his response, nervously pulling at his oversized jumper, wondering if his words were enough to free him of the guilt.

“Difficulties.” Youngjae breathed out, a sarcastic huff of laughter following as he lowered his gaze from the sky to look at Jaebum. His eyes were glazed over a little, a humourless smile tugging at his lips as he shook his head in disbelief. “I’m such an idiot. I actually thought you were going to apologize for all the shit, sorry, all the difficulties, you’ve put me through. But no. You don’t feel bad about that at all, do you? Why would you? I deserve it, right?” Youngjae scoffed, his demanding questions pinning Jaebum to his chair, speechless.

“Someone as disgusting as me should pay for feeling the way I do, right? Even though I never chose any of this. You of all people should understand what it’s like to not be able to control how you feel. To have people treat you like you’re broken or sick.” Jaebum stiffened at Youngjae’s implication, hand clenching around the plastic fork he’d been using.

“Youngjae, don’t,” Jaebum warned, voice quivering with the effort of keeping his temper in check. The conversation was taking a turn Jaebum wasn’t sure he could handle. His heartfelt shaky and heavy in his chest, an uncomfortable weight that made breathing evenly that much harder.

“I was always there for you, Bummie. Why won’t you do the same for me?” Youngjae pleaded, voice thick with tears that he refused to shed as he leaned across the table.

“I just can’t!” Jaebum yelled, desperately trying to block out everything Youngjae was saying and the memories his words produced in Jaebum’s mind.

The younger boy jumped at the loud outburst, the look in his eyes was not one of shock but a resigned sadness as he slouched back in his chair. Jaebum couldn’t look at him anymore. Instead, he buried his head in hands, fingers gripping his hair painfully tight and tugging hard to distract himself.

A distant part of his brain registered the sound of Youngjae getting up and leaving without another word and he wondered where he was going. How was he going to get home? But that was clouded over by a pounding headache he could feel bursting through his forehead that demanded his attention.

Jaebum knew he needed to calm down, he wasn’t too far gone. He could still stop it from overpowering him. He tried to remember the breathing techniques Jinyoung had found on some self-help website years ago.

Jaebum focused all his attention on breathing from his gut, clenching his eyes shut against the images that threatened the edges of his consciousness. He had fucked up, but he hadn’t physically hurt anything or anyone. Youngjae had left, Youngjae was ok now that he was away from Jaebum. None of the members were here, they were safe.

That thought alone helped calm Jaebum’s racing heart, the heat he felt in his fists diminishing slightly. Jaebum wasn’t sure how long he sat there just breathing and repeating the same mantra over and over again.

“They’re ok. They’re ok.”

***

When the tremors in his hands ceased completely and the dim haziness of his brain gave way to clarity, Jaebum finally felt it was safe to drive home. He’d left the car unlocked so there was no sign of Coco, Youngjae probably having walked her home.

Jaebum drove in the empty car, the dash telling him it was already nearing nine o’clock and he hoped Jinyoung wasn’t too worried. It wasn’t long before Jaebum was face to face with their front door. It felt like weeks had passed since he’d last been here with Coco in tow rather than just mere hours.

Jaebum opened the door to see a dark hallway, a faint light coming from the living room. Maybe everyone was already sleeping and Jaebum could just slink to bed without any questions asked. His hopes were crushed when he walked into the living and saw Mark and Jinyoung cuddled up on the couch watching a film on TV. Jackson took up the rest of the space beside them, his feet resting splayed across Mark and Jinyoung’s laps while the two youngest lay on their stomachs on the floor.

Youngjae was nowhere to be seen.

The film was some American one that Jaebum didn’t recognise, but it held Jinyoung’s attention while Mark leaned against the younger, his eyes closed. Jaebum tried his best to be as quiet as he could so none of them would notice him, but of course, Jinyoung would never let him have any peace his “mothering senses” kicking in before Jaebum could fully escape.  

“You’re home late.”

Jaebum stopped mid-step, eyes closed and back to the couch. He considered running for it and explaining himself in the morning, but Jinyoung would probably just stake out Jaebum’s bedroom with Jackson’s help. After internally cursing Park Jinyoung several different ways, Jaebum took a deep breath and turned on his heel to face five pairs of eyes staring up at him inquisitively. Jinyoung’s head was cocked to the side in question while Mark just frowned at him as if Jaebum was the reason behind everything wrong in the world.

“Where’s Youngjae?” Mark deadpanned before Jaebum could even acknowledge Jinyoung and the others or begin to excuse his late arrival.

“I don’t know.” Jaebum shrugged honestly. “I thought he’d be home already, he walked with Coco.”

Mark didn’t seem satisfied with that answer, rising from the couch and opening his mouth to say god knows what but stopping when a bark came from the front door. A few seconds later, Coco came running in and made a beeline for Mark, pawing at his leg and yapping happily up at him. Youngjae followed in behind her a moment later with a bright smile and playful shout at Coco to slow down.

Jaebum ignored how his own stomach twisted at the sight of Youngjae’s puffy eyes that refused to glance his way, determinedly looking at the others. They all stood up at Youngjae’s arrival, wrapping him in a smothering group hug. Jaebum saw his chance while Jackson was fake-crying about how much he had missed Youngjae and BamBam was complaining about being squished to slowly move away. Once again, Jinyoung’s voice stopped him.

“You’re freezing, Youngjae. Why the hell did you let him walk home, Jaebum?” Jinyoung scolded, popping his head out of the swarm of bodies surrounding Youngjae. The other members all turned to face Jaebum at Jinyoung’s words, finally giving Youngjae some room to breathe. Jinyoung was worriedly rubbing one of Youngjae’s hands between his two in an attempt to generate warmth while glaring accusingly at Jaebum, waiting for an answer.

Jaebum didn’t fail to notice how Mark still stayed close to Youngjae even after the rest had all stepped back. Mark draped his arm across the younger boy’s chest, resting his chin on Youngjae’s shoulder almost absentmindedly. It would all seem very innocent if not for the challenging glint in Mark’s eyes as he looked Jaebum up and down.

Jaebum’s tongue felt as heavy as lead in his mouth, making it hard to swallow and get a single word out. Five pairs of eyes bore into him waiting for a response, their expressions ranging from Yugyeom’s confusion to Jinyoung’s worry. Jaebum couldn’t decide if he was glad or not that Youngjae was choosing to look anywhere but him at that moment.

“Well? Jinyoung asked you a question. Answer.” Mark snapped, voice louder than necessary for how close they all were. Jaebum blinked at the older boy. He rarely raised his voice even when things would get heated back before they had debuted when they were still trying to blend all the different personalities together.

Jaebum wasn’t the only one surprised as Jinyoung himself whipped his head towards Mark while Jackson glanced between the two carefully as if assessing the situation.

“The vet gave Coco a laxative and said it would be better to walk her home in case she had an accident in the car,” Youngjae answered Mark instead, voice neutral and face blank of any emotion as if he was reading out a recipe to the six of them. “Jaebum said he had some errands to run and I can’t drive anyway so I walked and he took the car. Right?” Youngjae asked, lips pursed into a grimace and his eyes trained on the wall just behind Jaebum.

He was lying for him. Why? Jaebum had no idea. Maybe Youngjae wanted to protect the team so it wouldn’t crash and burn as their friendship had.

“Right,” Jaebum confirmed, relieved when everyone stopped looking at him and returning their attention to Youngjae instead. He looked dead on his feet, leaning more on Mark to keep him upright. Jaebum felt the guilt that was all too familiar now wash over him again at Youngjae’s hunched shoulders and drooping head.

“I know we’ve all missed Youngjae, but he needs his sleep so, if you’ll excuse us, we’ll be heading to bed now.” Mark announced, pulling away from Youngjae only to interlock their hands. He was greeted with a chorus of sour groans and Jackson’s fake weeping, but Mark was firm in his mission to get Youngjae to sleep.

It was hard to ignore how they naturally gravitated to one another, their hands a perfect fit. Jaebum couldn’t get it out of his mind. The way Mark had so casually said we, like him and Youngjae were a package deal.

“M’fine, Markie. Just tired is all.” Youngjae mumbled around a yawn, trying to buy himself more time with the others, but Mark wasn’t having any of it, tugging a sleepy Youngjae in the direction of their room, smiling affectionately at the younger boy. They’d barely taken two steps forward when Jinyoung piped up from the other side of Youngjae.

“Wait. What about the film? You’ve wanted to show it to me for ages, Mark.” Jinyoung complained, looking as confused as Jaebum felt by how Mark was acting.

“You can finish it without me. I already know what happens.” Mark shrugged without much thought, not even sparing Jinyoung a second glance. He missed the way Jinyoung’s face fell in disappointment at the dismissive words for a split second before he carefully replaced it with a smile as he murmured an “ok”.

Before Jaebum could dwell too long on how crestfallen Jinyoung seemed, Mark had regained his attention. The older boy stood in front of Jaebum, waiting expectantly while Youngjae continued to rub his face drowsily. Jaebum flickered his eyes back to meet Marks and almost recoiled at the anger he saw there.

“Move,” Mark ordered, tone exasperated as if it was obvious that Jaebum was in the way. Jaebum still wasn’t accustomed to this kind of treatment from Mark. Normally it was Jinyoung who joked around and pretended like everyone was a burden.

However, with Jinyoung it was just that. Pretending. Jaebum just wasn’t sure anymore about Mark. Had he actually pissed off the older boy? Jaebum was so taken aback that he didn’t even argue with Mark, simply stepping aside to let the two boys walk past him.

Jaebum watched their backs disappear into their room, hands linked the whole time. He knew he should go check on Jinyoung, maybe even offer to watch the stupid film with him, but Jaebum was honestly drained from trying to keep it together earlier.

Jinyoung seemed happy enough having joined the two youngest members on the ground. He pulled a whiny Yugyeom to sit between his legs and cuddle. Jaebum exchanged a few quiet goodnights before slinking away to his room, alone.

Despite how tired Jaebum had been feeling lately, sleep just would not come. He lay there in familiar darkness, the streets lights from outside brightening the room just enough so he could count the cracks in the ceiling. He could still hear faint sounds of the others in the living room, but it didn’t stop the creeping loneliness he felt crawling over his skin.

Jaebum couldn’t get comfortable, tossing and turning on the small mattress every few minutes, trying to will away images of Youngjae and Mark together. Jaebum couldn’t stop thinking about the last couple of months, about how the pair seemed to lean into each other more, how they’d speak softly to one another and giggle but not explain it to anyone and how they’d started going out alone without any of the other members.

He remembers one night in particular, similar to this one, lying awake waiting for exhaustion to tug him under when he heard them stumble into the dorm. It had to have been around three in the morning and they sounded like they’d been out all night drinking.

Youngjae was a naturally loud person, but a drunk Youngjae was impossible to keep at a normal level. Jaebum remembered hearing Mark shush Youngjae through the elder’s own bouts of laughter.

There was the sound of a door slamming and more muted giggles from the two of them that had had Jaebum’s mind wandering unwanted places. At the time, Jaebum, with everything he had learned about Youngjae and how Mark was acting, had considered the unthinkable for a second.

He had scrunched his eyes shut tight, cheeks heated as he tried to expel the images his mind conjured up for him. The immense shame and guilt Jaebum felt had thrummed in him like an insistent drum beat. He shouldn’t jump to bizarre conclusions from silly little things that probably didn’t mean anything. He knew that, but Jaebum couldn’t help but wonder.

How Mark looked at Youngjae nowadays, with such fondness, set alarm bells off in Jaebum’s mind. Mark was straight. Jaebum knew that. They had talked about girls they’d dated in high school. There was no way Mark could be anything like Youngjae or like that with Youngjae.

Yeah, Mark is straight.

Right?

Chapter Text

“So the filming for the show is in about two weeks’ time but we’ll brief you further before then about what activities you’ll be doing and stuff like that.” One of the staff sitting across from Jaebum explained, rifling through some papers on the table in front of them as they spoke.

“No.” Jaebum blurted out, the noise reverberating through the small room his manager had led him to earlier that morning. Jaebum had sat quietly while they had read out their plans to include him on Celebrity Bromance. He knew the show, he’d watched Jackson on it and had even laughed at the random funny things that had happened. The idea of him on it though. The thought that his parents might see him on it, it made his mouth run dry. Jaebum didn’t interrupt the whole time, somehow able to remain respectful while his mind was screaming at him to stop this in its tracks.

“Excuse me?” The woman on the other side of the desk questioned, raising her eyebrows in disbelief.

“No. I’m not doing that show.” Jaebum shook his head. He maintained eye contact with the staff in an effort to ignore his shaking hands in his lap, but he could still feel them against his legs like a ticking time bomb.

“Yes. You are.” She countered, somewhat shocked that Jaebum would even think to answer back in such a manner. “You don’t have much choice. The company thinks you don’t do enough variety shows, which is true. Honestly, if you look at the rest of your members, they’re on variety shows all the time. It’s only for a day.” The staff shrugged, thinking Jaebum would let it go, turning back to her papers.

“My parents wouldn’t be happy if they saw it. Please.” Jaebum stressed, leaning across the table a little to appeal to the staff. Her eyes flickered between the table where Jaebum’s hand now rested in a tight fist and his face until the boy moved back, muttering a quick “sorry”.

“They probably won’t see it. It’s not going to be aired on TV. And it’s just fanservice, like what you do with the members all the time. I really don’t see what the issue is here.” The staff continued, looking unimpressed at what she saw as Jaebum behaving like a spoiled child.

“You don’t understand, they-”Jaebum pushed out, a lump forming in his throat that made it painful to talk. The staff talked over him, drowning Jaebum out as she raised her voice, giving him a hard glare.

“If your family has such a problem with it they can, by all means, pay us the amount you would make by doing the show.” The staff suggested, but Jaebum could feel the sarcasm in her words. God only knows how much JYP planned to make from this, but one thing was certain. Never in a million years would Jaebum’s middle-class family be able to pay for it. They had barely managed to pay off his trainee fees and that had been with Jaebum’s help.

“Mmm, that’s what I thought.” She smiled scathingly when Jaebum remained silent, lips pursed. He ground his teeth together to keep himself from speaking his mind while she started to pack away her documents.

There was clearly no way Jaebum could get himself out of it. So, he kept quiet and tried to calm his shaking heart. He tried to remind himself that this poor staff member was only following orders. It wouldn’t be fair to take his frustration out on her. Jaebum knew he’d never win, knew he shouldn’t have even questioned her, but being forced to do that show was the last thing he needed right now.

The staff member’s condescending tone didn’t help matters. Sure, maybe Jaebum was acting a little immature, but he had a good reason. She didn’t realise the repercussions this would have for him, but, he supposed, as long as JYP made money, who gave a damn about him?

She finished up and Jaebum was finally free to go. He needed a distraction, something to calm the jitters in his chest, so he took out his phone and opened his chat with Jinyoung. The younger boy had always been good at getting Jaebum back to normal. Ever since they met as trainees, Jinyoung just accepted Jaebum for what he was, broken parts and all. The only other person who could help him was Youngjae, but he was no longer an option.

Jaebum was in the middle of texting Jinyoung about going out for drinks later when his phone started ringing. The caller ID flashed up as “Mother” and Jaebum’s stomach plunged to his feet. He froze in the empty corridor, heart pumping and mind going ninety miles an hour.

‘How’d she find out so fast? She doesn’t know, right? No, there’s no way.’ Jaebum’s mind was a jumble of thoughts, all yelling over one another to be heard. Somehow, despite the trembling of his hands, Jaebum managed to answer the call and bring his phone up to his ear. He cleared his throat before greeting his mum on the other end of the line. Jaebum had barely gotten out a tentative ‘hello’ before she interrupted him, voice sharp.

“I saw you on TV today. Do you want to explain to me why you were wearing makeup again?” She demanded down the line, clearly agitated. Jaebum hated when she got like this.

“We talked about this, Jaebum. I’ve told you not to let them put that stuff on your face. It’s embarrassing for your father and me.” His mother continued to scold him. Jaebum felt about five years old, her disapproving tone making him bow his head in shame.

“It’s bad enough that you’re up there dancing around with a bunch of kids, singing those stupid songs, but the lipstick and eyeliner? It’s just not acceptable.”

“I helped make those songs.” He murmured, his voice small, almost a whisper. Jaebum felt the harsh words slowly pile up within himself like heavy rocks in his stomach.

Making music was one of the only things Jaebum could confidently say he was good at. To hear his own mother say the songs he had produced were stupid hurt him more than any personal insult could. He wondered for a brief second what it would be like to have a mum who calls you up just to ask if you’ve eaten, one who would put their son before everything else. Even their reputation.

“What?” His mum snapped down the phone, a mixture of confused and annoyed. “I’m not talking about your little hobby right now.” She scoffed dismissively and Jaebum could practically see her rolling her eyes at him. “Are you even listening to me?”

“It’s not a hobby. It’s my job. It’s what I love to do.” Jaebum explained for the hundredth time, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. He doesn’t know why he bothers. Their conversations always turn into this argument. The outcome is the same every time. Ultimately, Jaebum can’t win. 

“Oh, so what you’re saying is that you love disappointing me?” His mum joked sarcastically.

“Mum, please don’t,” Jaebum whispered pleadingly down the line.

“Jaebum, don’t try that with me. When are you going to get a serious job? You can’t live in a dorm with a bunch of strangers for the rest of your life.” She continued, ignoring him as if she was talking to a particularly difficult child who didn’t understand how the world worked yet.

“They’re not-” Jaebum tried to correct her, but she wasn’t even listening anymore, determined to lecture him.

“And I’ve said this before, but they’re not a good influence on you. Especially that one boy. The foreign one who wears all the sparkly clothes with the heels and says weird things.” Jaebum could feel himself getting riled up by her disgusted tone as if she was describing a bug she’d stood on.

“His name is BamBam.” Jaebum grit out, loud enough to catch his mums attention, letting some of the anger he felt colour his words.

“I don’t care what ridiculous name he calls himself. You should stay away from him.” She ordered, exasperated by the fact her son was talking back. Jaebum cracked his neck, running a hand through his hair in irritation.

It was one thing when his mum tore him down, but he couldn’t stand when she mentioned the members. He’d never introduced them to her and she had never wanted to meet them.

Jaebum was about to respond that he couldn’t make that promise, he lived with BamBam for god’s sake, but one of the office doors opened. The staff member from earlier stuck her head out.

“Everything ok?” She asked tentatively, eyeing the phone in Jaebum’s hand.

“Yes,” Jaebum answered, forcing himself to smile reassuringly at her, pressing his phone to his chest.

“Good. Remember to check your email for the Bromance schedule info.” She reminded him with a corresponding smile of her own before retreating to her office again. With all the shit his mum had been spewing he’d almost forgotten about the damned show. 

‘Wait ‘til she gets a load of that.’ Jaebum thought sourly, glowering at the closed door the staff had just disappeared behind. He needed to get out of there. The other members were still practicing somewhere in the building and staff were never far away. He didn’t know who he was angrier at in that moment. The staff for putting him in this position? His mum for being so difficult? Or was he angry at himself for not being to control the pounding in his head?

It was getting really old. The constant thrumming in his brain, the way his fists itched to hit something. Jaebum just wanted to be normal. He wanted his mum to like the songs he spent hours on. He wanted her to like the family he’d found for himself in six other boys. He wanted to have a cool head and not be controlled by his temper.

Jaebum stood there, hands clenched by his side, the hard edge of his phone pressed against his palm. He didn’t realise his mum was still on the phone ‘til he heard faint yelling coming from the device. Jaebum couldn’t make out what she was saying but she sounded mad.

When he brought the device up to his ear he meant to calm her down and apologise. However, his mum’s shrill voice drilled into his brain, only riling him up further. Jaebum didn’t realise he’d hung up until silence filled the hallway once more. Almost instantly his phone started buzzing, causing Jaebum to panic. He’d made things ten times worse for himself now, but she had been acting so insufferable. He couldn’t take the toxicity of what she was spewing anymore.

Jaebum declined her call, shoving the phone in his jeans pocket, his hands twitching now that he had nothing to hold onto. The phone vibrated against his leg, reminding him of what he would eventually have to face. He couldn’t hide from his mother forever. Jaebum knew that, but he couldn’t talk to her now. His heart was beating too fast and his fists felt like they were on fire. If he stood there for much longer he was sure he’d scream so Jaebum started running as if on autopilot.

Had the halls of JYP always been this narrow? Every corner he turned, the walls of that corridor seemed to try push ever closer to one another. They didn’t care about the boy that would be trapped in between them, his breaths coming in short gasps.

Jaebum couldn’t deal with this.

It was all too much.

***

Mark woke up to the sound of someone humming softly, a warm weight on his leg. He must’ve dozed off at some point, his neck creaking from resting against the back of the couch and his legs stiff from sitting. Mark blinked at the bright light in the living room, yawning as he stretched his arms above his head. Once his eyes adjusted, he looked down to find Youngjae with his head pillowed on Mark’s thigh, giggling at something on his phone.

“Who you texting?” Mark croaked, his voice still thick with sleep, making Youngjae jump a little in surprise. 

“Don’t scare me like that!” Youngjae laughed, clutching at his chest with one hand and slapping Mark’s arm with the other. The younger boy was hurting his arm a bit, but Mark couldn’t help but smile fondly down at the boy in his lap. He remembered when Youngjae had first moved into the dorms and how the loudness of his laugh used to drive Mark crazy, but now it was one of his favourite sounds.

Impulsively, Mark grabbed the younger boys hand and twisted their fingers together to keep Youngjae from swatting at him. Youngjae looked like he was about to object, but his phone buzzed, distracting the younger boy. Again, he unlocked his phone and immediately grinned at what he saw on the screen.

“Who is it?” Mark asked impatiently, gently swinging their still joined hands up and down to get Youngjae’s attention.

“Hmm? Oh, it’s just Charlie.” Youngjae answered shyly, his cheeks turning a soft shade of pink.

“Oh, cute.” Mark hummed a little awkwardly, but Youngjae didn’t seem to notice the older boy’s turn in mood, he was so focused on his phone. Mark simply watched as Youngjae untangled their hands without a second thought so he could use both to text Charlie faster. He didn’t expect the pang of disappointment he felt in that moment watching someone else have Youngjae’s attention.

Mark’s hand hung limp on the younger boys chest, unsure and out of place. He had always hoped Youngjae would get over Jaebum and be with someone who would love and appreciate him for the amazing person he was, and it looked like that was on the cards. Charlie, by all accounts, seemed like a great guy. He made Youngjae happy, but Mark couldn’t shake off the stench of resentment that hung around him whenever Charlie was mentioned. What that could possibly mean terrified Mark. It would change everything he had been so sure of for so long.

He really looked at the boy lying across him. He tried to look past the fact that he was his roommate, that he was someone he’d consider family at this point and tried to truly see Youngjae.

Mark couldn’t deny the guy was beautiful. Technically they all had to be, they were idols, but there was something about Youngjae’s smile. Recently it had been what kept Mark going, even when performances tired him out and negative comments got to his head.

Youngjae would brighten his day and make everything a little more bearable. It was just so nice having someone who understood you like no one else could. Youngjae knew what it was like listening to fans screaming when you back-hugged another member but knowing deep in your heart that they’d never accept you.

There were so many people who believed that kind of love was unnatural or wrong, yet every single day Mark was encouraged to do fanservice with the other members. Youngjae understood the guilt, the shame, and self-hatred that could cause and they comforted each other, reassured one another that they weren’t sick or weird for how they felt.

Mark wasn’t sure where that left him. Youngjae locked eyes with him again, smiling softly up at the older boy. The warmth in Youngjae’s wide eyes gave Mark the courage to speak.

“Youngjae, I-” Mark never got to finish his sentence, the front door slamming caused both boys to jump at the loud sound.

Only a few seconds passed before Jaebum came into view, looking ready to kill, his shoes still on and cursing under his breath. Mark’s first assumption was that Jaebum was drunk as he didn’t even seem to realise anyone was in the living room. He was clearly agitated, his entire stance looked unstable like he was a volcano about to erupt.

Youngjae jumped up into a seated position once he saw Jaebum. The younger looked concerned, but strangely not surprised or shocked like Mark was by seeing their leader like that. Jaebum was clearly lost in his own thoughts, but it wasn’t just that which troubled Mark rather than the way that anger seemed to radiate out from Jaebum in waves.

“What’d that door ever do to you?” He called over, stopping Jaebum in his tracks. The boy looked like a deer caught in the headlights, but the glimpse of shock Mark saw on Jaebum’s feature was quickly swallowed up by unfiltered rage.

“Why the fuck are you two here?” Jaebum hissed out, face twisting in distress. Mark watched in shock as the other boy continued to spit out a litany of curses, grabbing fistfuls of his own hair.

“Whoa what the hell got into you?” Mark scoffed uncertainly. He watched as Jaebum’s eyes darted around the room restlessly, glowering at everything he saw.

“Jaebum.”

Mark turned at the new voice in the room and saw Jinyoung standing at the entrance to the kitchen, a tray of snacks in his hands. The younger boy was carefully sizing up Jaebum from his tense shoulders to his jittery legs as if calculating the best way to approach him.

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” Jaebum suddenly yelled hands over his ears and eyes pinched closed. He started shaking his head from side to side and let out another sharp yell before running to his room, pushing past Jinyoung.

Youngjae and Jinyoung shared a look that Mark wasn’t supposed to see before they both glanced in his direction. A deafening bang that filled the dorm and flicked a switch in them as Youngjae and Jinyoung rushed into action at the sound.

“Shit! God damn it, not now.” Jinyoung muttered, hurrying down the hallway with Youngjae hot on his heels.  A series of crashes reverberated through the dorm, causing Mark to snap out of his shock long enough to follow his two friends. He found them outside Jaebum and Jackson’s room, engaged in an intense argument.

“What do you mean you noticed something was off? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Jinyoung whisper yelled at Youngjae, arms crossed and glaring accusingly at the younger boy.

“We-we aren’t as close as we used to be, Jaebum and I. I’m sorry I-I didn’t know what to do…” Youngjae trailed off. Mark could see how panicked the younger boy was in the way he jumped from foot to foot, wringing his hands together.

“What the hell is going on?” Mark shouted over the loud din coming from behind the closed door. Youngjae and Jinyoung shared another look, which looked like a battle of wills more than anything else before turning back to Mark.

“You need to leave.” Jinyoung ordered while Youngjae simultaneously blurted out an uncertain “nothing.” As if to prove Youngjae wrong, they heard Jaebum yelling obscenities from inside the room followed by several furious thumps against the wall that made Mark startle.

“Are you fucking kidding me!? It sounds like he’s losing his mind in there!” Mark protested, frustrated by how collected Youngjae and Jinyoung seemed when he himself was freaking out.  

“Mark, we’ve got this under control. You don’t have to be here.” Jinyoung assured the older boy, arms crossed stubbornly.

“I’m not leaving without you two when he’s like this.” Mark spat out, shaking his head and matching Jinyoung’s pose. The two boys stared each other down. Mark could almost see Jinyoung weighing up the options in his head. Another particularly loud crash seemed to make up his mind as he sighed and let his arms drop at his sides in defeat.

“Fine, but just don’t do anything. We’re wasting time.” Jinyoung relented, turning to face Jaebum’s bedroom door. Mark watched in trepidation as the younger boy slowly creaked open the door as quietly as he could. Mark wasn’t sure what he had expected to see, but he could never have imagined this.

The room looked like a storm had hit it. The mattress that Jackson and Jaebum shared was thrown against the wall, the sheets strewn over the floor like twisted vines. One of the pillows lay ripped open, its feathers spilling out like the guts of an animal. The wardrobe in the corner sat with its doors wide open, clothes tossed on the ground surrounding it with hangers mixed in. All the bookshelves were empty, the little ornaments and picture frames that once sat there were now thrown on the floor, like trash.

Standing in the middle of the mess was Jaebum, his back to the door. Mark could hear his still heavy breaths alongside a ripping sound. A white sheet of paper floated to the ground catching Mark’s attention and he realised that Jaebum must’ve started tearing pages out of one of the books that had been on the shelf. The other boy was completely absorbed in his task and didn’t notice Jinyoung sneaking up behind him until it was too late.

“Jaebum.” Jinyoung reached out carefully to touch Jaebum’s shoulder.

Mark’s heart jumped into his throat as Jaebum spun around, his fist raised. Jinyoung was ready, catching Jaebum’s wrist before he could swing at him.

“Stop. It’s Jinyoung. I know you’re not going to hurt me.” Jinyoung murmured soothingly, calmly meeting Jaebum’s murderous glare. This didn’t get through to Jaebum who ripped his arm out of Jinyoung’s hold, spinning around with how forcefully he pulled himself away.

With Jaebum’s back turned, Jinyoung wrapped himself around the other boy, his arms pinning Jaebum’s to his sides. The larger boy immediately started bucking and trying to free himself from the restraint that was Jinyoung.

Mark made an attempt to help Jinyoung but felt a hand wrap around his wrist and pull him back. He looked back to see Youngjae already looking at him, fear clear on his features, silently shaking his head.

“Hey, Jaebum, hey. It’s me, Jinyoung. It’s ok.” Jinyoung was now whispering gently into Jaebum’s ear, his breathing a little laboured from struggling with the older boy.

Jinyoung’s voice seemed to snap Jaebum out of whatever was going on in his head and Mark could see him visibly relax in Jinyoung’s arms. Jinyoung swayed with Jaebum from side to side, humming softly as he turned them both to face the door.

“Shhh, that’s it. Youngjae’s here too.” Jinyoung added, causing Jaebum’s head to snap up and search Youngjae out. The second he saw Youngjae standing there beside Mark only a few metres away, Jaebum started thrashing in Jinyoung’s arms with renewed vigour.

“Get out!” Jaebum desperately bellowed, staring at Youngjae with revulsion. Mark could feel Youngjae’s grip on him tighten like a vice as the boy stared wordlessly back at Jaebum.

“Get the fuck away from me!” Jaebum all but screeched. He was unrecognisable to Mark like this, his hair a tousled mess, face red and eyes crazed.

“Mark!” Jinyoung snapped, his tone softening as he continued. “Take Youngjae and go.” At the mention of the younger boy’s name again, Jaebum grunted, kicking the ground near him with his feet.

“What? No way! I’m not leaving you alone with him.” Mark protested, worriedly glancing at the still struggling Jaebum.

“He won’t hurt me. You being here is making it worse. Go.” Jinyoung pressed, jerking his head towards the door, his eyes imploring Mark to understand. 

“Youngjae, come on,” Mark muttered reluctantly, pulling his wrist out of Youngjae’s grip only to intertwine their fingers and gently tug him away from the room.

Youngjae refused to look away from the boy in Jinyoung’s arms as if he was searching to find something familiar in that contorted face. He let himself be dragged away by Mark without complaint. Mark couldn’t help but look back one last time himself. He saw Jinyoung gazing back at him sadly as he mouthed a simple ‘thank you’ from across the room.

Mark felt sick to his stomach.

***

The first thing Youngjae registered was the prickle of the cold rainy air hitting him in the face as he and Mark stepped out of the dorm. He blamed the weather for the way shivers kept running up his spine and how his eyes had suddenly started watering. The day was a dreary, desolate one with not a hint of sun to be seen.

‘How fitting.’ Youngjae reflected, ignoring the multiple questions Mark was throwing his way. His subconscious was faintly aware it all had something to do with Jaebum and Jinyoung and himself, of course, but he couldn’t bring himself to listen. The sound of Jaebum wailing filled up in the space in his mind.

Youngjae trudged home after a long day of dancing to the same song on repeat, his muscles twinging in the nicest way possible. He couldn’t wait ‘til he got back to his and Jaebum’s room. All Youngjae wanted to do was curl up beside Jaebum and sleep on their tiny mattress. He was surprised, however, when he opened their shared room to see the all the lights were off.

Jaebum normally waited up for him so they could talk about how their day had been before turning in for the night, but he must’ve been too tired. Youngjae was about to leave the room to see where the others were when a quiet sniffle made him stop. It took a second for Youngjae’s eyes to adjust to the darkness but when they did he easily spotted Jaebum sitting in the corner of their makeshift bed.

“Bummie?” Youngjae whispered into the air between them, closing the door behind him and blindly searching for the lamp they keep beside their bed.

“Youngjae?” Jaebum whimpered through a shuddery inhale. The younger boy’s heart squeezed a little at the way Jaebum’s voice quivered.

“I’m here.” Youngjae murmured, flicking on the bedside lamp so it could illuminate the pitch black room with its warm glow. He could see Jaebum properly now and it caught him completely off guard.

The older boy looked like a small child with his legs tucked tight into his chest, forearms resting on his knees and his head hidden in his arms. Youngjae didn’t miss the small tremors running up and down the older boys back as he inched closer until they were almost touching. Hesitantly, Youngjae placed his hand on Jaebum’s back. He instantly regretted it as Jaebum jolted, moving away from Youngjae and pressing himself closer to the wall.

“Sorry,” Youngjae muttered, bowing his head and dropping his hand to rest on the mattress. Jaebum raised his head, gaze fixed on the wall beside him as he answered.

“Don’t be. It’s, it’s just… you should keep your distance. I’m not safe to be around. G-get Jinyoung, he’ll know what to do.”

“What does that even mean?” Youngjae asked, confused. His tone finally made Jaebum look at him with bloodshot eyes and damp cheeks. “No offense, but you don’t look like you could hurt a fly right now,” Youngjae added, eliciting a crooked smile from the older boy.

It was a start.

“Tell that to my phone.” Jaebum scoffed, pointing at a spot on the ground not far from where they were sitting. The older boy’s phone lay there, the entire screen shattered like a mosaic of cracked ice. “I must’ve thrown it at that wall,” Jaebum explained, pointing out a small dent in the plastering.

“Why?” Youngjae blurted out, cringing at the insensitivity of his question. Jaebum didn’t seem to mind, his eyes glazed over, lost in his own thoughts.

“I really didn’t want you ever finding out. Only Jinyoung knows.” Jaebum sighed defeated.

“Knows what?” Youngjae probed tentatively.

“I understand if you want to swap rooms after this. I wouldn’t want to share a room with a freak either.” Jaebum grimaced, continuing his train of thought as if Youngjae hadn’t said anything. There was a pause where Jaebum seemed to be deciding how to begin and Youngjae stayed quiet, allowing the older boy to collect and order his thoughts carefully.

“The doctors call it Intermittent Explosive Disorder or IED,” Jaebum began, his voice devoid of emotion. “Basically, it means I can’t control my temper and just lose it sometimes. I never really remember what happens when I have an episode. Everything goes black and then it’s not anymore, and I’ve broken something or hurt myself and I don’t remember any of it.” Jaebum continues casually as if talking about the weather, but Youngjae can tell it’s all an act in the way the older boy clenches and unclenches his jaw. “I have to piece it all together, y’know? It’s like I’m a fucking jigsaw. I-I hate it.” Jaebum chokes out, turning to look at Youngjae with tear-filled eyes before staring up at the ceiling as if it held all the answers.

“The company knows of course and made me get “help” back long before you were here. They think I’m all fixed now, even made me the leader, but I’m just as broken as before.” Jaebum let out a short humourless laugh that sounded more like a sob, his eyes still trained upwards.

Youngjae tried it to take it all in. He’d never heard of something like this ever in his life. He thinks about all the times they had joked as a group about Jaebum’s bad temper, how he was like a rowdy child who didn’t get his way and suddenly he felt an immense wave of guilt.

Youngjae never knew Jaebum had been suffering for so long, happily supporting the members over every hurdle they came across. Jaebum was stronger than Youngjae had ever given him credit for.

“I’m sure if you asked Jinyoung he’d swap with you. I’ll explain everything to him.” Jaebum added, finally looking at Youngjae with a kind of resigned sadness in the set of his mouth.

“Who said I wanted to swap rooms?” Youngjae challenged, raising an eyebrow at Jaebum who simply furrowed his in confusion. There was a pause where the older boy seemed to process Youngjae’s words while he stared at him, sizing him up.

“Aren’t you afraid I’ll hurt you?” Jaebum asked, genuinely curious.

“You wouldn’t,” Youngjae responded confidently, not missing a beat.

“You don’t know that.” Jaebum scoffed, shaking his head like Youngjae was some naïve kid that thought money grew on trees.

“No, but I know you.” Youngjae insisted, holding Jaebum’s gaze even as the older boy tried to protest.

“Listen-”

“No. You listen to me, Im Jaebum. To me, you’ll always be the guy who carried me home when I’d stupidly overworked myself. The boy who stayed with me until four or five in the morning practicing dances you already knew so I wouldn’t be alone. The one who, when our manager scolded me after our first ever performance, sat with me on the roof of JYP and just let me cry. You’re a good person, Jaebum, and nothing you can say will ever make me think otherwise. You’re my best friend and finding out about this doesn’t change that.”

“So, I’m staying here,” Youngjae concluded, nodding to himself. “Well, as long you’ll have me of course.” He added, a little bashful after his long speech that showed Jaebum just how much he meant to Youngjae. There was a long silence where neither spoke or moved.

“Do you really mean that?” Jaebum whispered, uncertainty ringing through his voice. Youngjae looked over to see tears spilling over the older boy’s cheeks down to his chin.

“Come here,” Youngjae ordered, opening his arms wide. Jaebum nearly knocked the wind out of him with how fast he moved to wrap himself around Youngjae. The younger boy tightened his grip on Jaebum as the leader’s tears stained Youngjae’s blue shirt a dark navy. He rubbed soothing circles into Jaebum’s back until his tears ran dry and his breath evened out.

“I’ve ruined your shirt,” Jaebum mumbled awkwardly into Youngjae’s chest, shifting so he could sit back on his heels.

“You’re more important.” The younger boy simply shrugged before getting up and changing into his pyjamas and joining Jaebum back on their bed. This time they kept a bit of space between them. Youngjae stretched to the side to turn off the lamp and they were shrouded in a similar darkness to earlier.

This felt safer somehow. It wasn’t long before the pair were huddled beside each other again in the coldness of the room. Youngjae was going to ask more questions about what they were going to do about the doctors and the broken phone but Jaebum had other things on his mind.

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re, like, the equivalent of a human teddy bear?” Jaebum suddenly asked, nuzzling into Youngjae’s chest as he looped his arms around the younger’s waist.

“Um, no. And I don’t want anyone to. Ever.” Youngjae deadpanned, letting Jaebum lead the conversation into lighter places.

“Mmm. Too late. You’re my own personal teddy bear now.” Jaebum mumbled, pressing impossibly closer. Youngjae could feel the older boy smile against his chest and felt a grin tug at his mouth in response. There were a few moments of comfortable silence again in which Youngjae thought Jaebum had nodded off, exhausted from everything that had happened.

“Youngjae?”

“Hmm?” Youngjae responded, too lazy to form actual sentences.

“Thank you for not giving up on me. It means a lot,” Youngjae could feel how much sincerity Jaebum was trying to imbue those simple words with. The older boy paused before continuing in a more serious tone. “But I need you to promise me something. If it ever gets too much, if I’m too dangerous to be around, don’t stick by me. Get yourself out of there. You have to promise me.” Jaebum pressed, his tone verging on desperate as his hand clutched onto Youngjae’s pyjama shirt, bunching the material.

“I promise.”

“Youngjae! Answer me! What the fuck just happened in there?” Mark’s concerned voice ripped Youngjae out of his reverie. Youngjae blinked away the ghosts of the past and tried focus on the boy in front of him. He could feel Mark’s hands on either side of his face, cupping his cheeks. Youngjae didn’t realise he was crying until he felt Mark’s thumbs rubbing them away like he was made of the most precious fine china.

“It’s not my story to tell, Markie.”

***

“Jaebum. Look at me, please.”

They had both been sitting there on the ground of Jaebum’s room for a good twenty minutes, but Jaebum still wasn’t responding to Jinyoung. The older boy just continued to stare blankly around the room, never resting on a particular spot for too long.

Jinyoung held his breath as Jaebum shuffled a few inches to the side before sitting back in the same position, this time a picture frame in his hands. Jinyoung recognised it instantly. They all had the same one. It was a photo of the whole group after their first ever win.

It had been the best day, one they all wanted to remember. It was as Jaebum looked down at the photo that Jinyoung saw a flicker of his friend appear. The leader started to silently cry, the tears trailed paths down both of Jaebum’s cheeks, landing like rain droplets on his lap, but he made no move to wipe them away.

“I’m so sorry, ‘Nyoungie. I thought I had gotten better.” Jaebum finally broke down, his whole body started to heave with the weight of what had happened. Jinyoung was instantly beside him, wrapping a protective arm around the older boy’s shoulder and pulling him close.

“Hey, hey, come here. Shhh, it’s ok.” Jinyoung cooed, rocking Jaebum back and forth slowly, pressing the side of their heads together.

“It’s not! Look around you.” Jaebum wailed, gesturing wildly around the room, picture frame still held in his tight grip. Jinyoung could see the picture frame hadn’t escaped Jaebum’s anger, a single crack weaving its way across the glass protecting their family photo. “I did this, didn’t I?” Jaebum demanded, looking disgusted with himself.

“We can clean it. Don’t worry.” Jinyoung assured him, pulling back a bit so he could properly check Jaebum over. Keeping one arm around his shoulders, Jinyoung patted down the older boy’s messy hair with his free hand, wiping away some stray tears for good measure. Jaebum closed his eyes at Jinyoung’s gentle touches, his breaths evening out despite the odd sob coming from his chest. His eyes had no sooner closed when they were opening again, wider and full of fear.

“Oh god, are you alright? I didn’t hurt you did I? Tell me the truth.” Jaebum urged him, his eyes searching all over Jinyoung’s body for the smallest sign of injury.

“Of course you didn’t. You never have.”

“Good, good.” Jaebum nodded, speaking more to himself than Jinyoung. “And no one else was here?” Jaebum checked, his whole body tensing when Jinyoung hesitated to answer.

“No, it’s fine. It was, uh, just Mark and Youngjae, ok? They were here but they left. Everyone else is at practice.”

“They saw me like that?” Jaebum whimpered, his knuckles going white around the photo frame.

“It’ll be ok. Youngjae already knows and- and maybe it’s time we tell the others, they’d understand-”

“I can’t, Jinyoung. I just can’t. Not yet.”

“Ok, but at least think about it.” Jinyoung murmured into Jaebum’s hair, hugging the other boy close. Now wasn’t the time to push it. It was Jaebum’s business, after all, he should be the one to decide who knows and who doesn’t. They sat quietly together for a few minutes, both coming down from the shock and adrenaline rush. Jinyoung waited until Jaebum’s sniffles were almost non-existent before he tried asking any more questions.

“So was this the first one in a while or…?” Jinyoung tentatively asked, looking at Jaebum’s side profile for any drastic change in his expression.

“Yeah, I-I’ve just been good for so long I thought it was gone y’know? But I’m still a fuck up.” Jaebum grinned bitterly, shrugging as if Jinyoung couldn’t see how much it hurt the older boy to relapse like this.

“Hey, don’t ever say that. You’re trying your best… but maybe we should consider asking the company if you can go to counseling again.” Jinyoung suggested as casually as he could. So often in the past, Jaebum would shut down any discussion of his condition and the company getting involved after how the last therapist treated him.

“You remember that ‘doctor’ they sent me to last time? She just put me on those tranquilisers that made me feel sleepy all the time. Everything felt muted,” Jaebum said, his voice sounding far away and Jinyoung felt him shudder despite the warmth of the small room. “I don’t want to go back to that, ‘Nyoungie.” Jaebum begged, shaking his head desperately. “I’ll do better, I swear.”

Jinyoung’s heart hurt at hearing his friend plead with him like this. Jaebum was always so composed, refusing to show any weakness in front of the others. Even Jinyoung sometimes forgot he wasn’t this superhero that could fix everything for them all the time.

“You’re doing just fine. It’s been really hard for everyone this comeback. We’re busier than ever and with Youngjae’s injury, it’s very stressful. I don’t blame you for finding it hard to cope. Just please tell me if it ever gets too much so I can help like old times.” Jinyoung squeezed Jaebum’s shoulder firmly, nudging his head against the older boy’s affectionately.

“Hey, let’s go take a nap in my room. You must be exhausted.” Jinyoung suddenly suggested, smiling as he stood up and offered his hand to Jaebum.

“But don’t we have to tidy-” The older boy muttered, looking around the room with confusion.

“Later. The mess will still be here when we wake up. Come on, we haven’t shared a room in years!” Jinyoung whined, stomping his foot like a kid to make Jaebum smile. It worked, and the older boy snickering as he used Jinyoung’s outstretched hand to pull himself up. They kept their hands linked like that all the way to Jinyoung’s room.

***

Mark didn’t come back until later that evening. Youngjae had wanted to be alone and said he’d text if he was coming home late. Mark wouldn’t blame him if he slept at the company. It was a tempting alternative to whatever waited back for them in the dorm.

When he unlocked the door it was surprisingly quiet as if no one was even home yet. The living room and kitchen were both empty so he called out loud into the dorm. Mark wasn’t expecting to hear Jinyoung’s voice coming from Jaebum and Jackson’s room telling him to “be quiet”. He walked down the hallway to their room and found Jinyoung standing there, hanging clothes up on hangers. The room was no longer a chaotic mess of clothes and objects strewn everywhere. It was probably cleaner than Jaebum and Jackson normally kept it.

“What the fuck are you doing tidying up after that asshole?” Mark snapped from the open doorway, grabbing Jinyoung’s full attention. The younger frowned over at him and then continued to put the shirt he had in his hand away into the wardrobe.

“Hello to you too.” Jinyoung deadpanned, bending over to pick up another t-shirt.

“What, you’re just going to stand there and pretend as if nothing happened?” Mark scoffed, angry at how casual Jinyoung was acting.

“Mark-” Jinyoung sighed, giving the older boy a look that screamed ‘please drop this’.

“No! Tell me what the hell was going on earlier.” Mark demanded, voice rising with his temper. Jinyoung bit his lip nervously, his hands twisting the shirt he was holding, probably creasing it. Mark had to restrain himself from giving in and running over to the other boy. He needed to be strong otherwise he wouldn’t get any answers.

“It’s not my story to tell.” Jinyoung exhaled, shaking his head as if he had no choice in the matter.

“Why are you so insistent on protecting him when he does nothing to warrant it?!” Mark burst out, aggravated by the lax attitude both of his closest friends were taking to the matter. “Do you know how fucking terrified I was that he would hurt you earlier?” Mark was yelling now, but he was too worked up to care if anyone heard.

“I’m surprised you even cared whether I’d be hurt or not.” Jinyoung spat, catching Mark off guard, leaving him speechless. “You know since you’ve barely talked to me in the last few weeks.” Jinyoung sneered, the t-shirt he was holding now balled up in his fist.

“W-what’s that supposed to mean?” Mark stuttered out. This wasn’t the turn he thought the conversation would take when he first entered the dorm.

“It doesn’t matter.” Jinyoung dismissed, no longer looking Mark in the eye. “If you want to know what’s going on with Jaebum that badly then ask him. Or ask Youngjae since you two are so close now.” Jinyoung suggested sarcastically, turning his back on Mark as he continued to clean.

“Fine. Maybe I will.” Mark huffed childishly, not able to think of anything better to say but wanting to have the last word. Jinyoung pretended to not hear, obnoxiously humming as he cleaned. Frustrated, Mark slammed Jaebum’s door closed on his way out just because he knew it piss would Jinyoung off. The satisfaction he got was only momentary.

All Mark had wanted to do was make sure Jinyoung was ok. How had it become an argument so quickly? He’s not sure when things had gotten so difficult between him and Jinyoung, but there was one thing Mark knew. He was done dealing with it.

Chapter Text

Jaebum was currently smiling and waving at the screaming fans in the audience. He generally loved fanmeetings. The chance to interact with the fans and pay them back for all their support was one of the most important things to Jaebum. He could never get used to the sound of thousands of voices clamouring over one another to be heard. Jaebum always tried his best to look at anyone who yelled his name, but today he was distracted as he seemed to be so often these days. He was hyperaware of Mark only standing a few feet away, posing for fansites like the rest of them. The older boy hadn’t said a word to Jaebum since his episode a few days ago.

Jaebum had expected Mark to at least ask questions, curse at him or even glare at him, but he just acted like Jaebum didn’t exist. He thought Mark would’ve been a bit curious or confused, but after two days of blatant ignoring, Jaebum knew Youngjae must’ve told Mark everything.

Jinyoung swore that he hadn’t shared anything with Mark when Jaebum asked him so, it had to have been Youngjae. ‘Mark must know how fucked up I am.’ Jaebum thought. Why else would the older boy avoid talking to him? He was doing the best thing and avoiding Jaebum just like Youngjae.

The pair of them, for the past few days since the incident, have been holed up in their room together doing god knows what. Jaebum doesn’t know what he’d do without Jinyoung forcing him to get out of the house even just for a short trip to the convenience store. He couldn’t stand staying at home. Youngjae’s muffled giggles always found him no matter where Jaebum was in the dorm.

For once, Jinyoung wasn’t asking too many questions or trying to persuade Jaebum to go to a doctor again. They’d just sit there, mostly in silence. Jaebum had asked Jinyoung one time if there was anything on his mind, but he was only met with the younger boy’s bright smile and a quick shake of his head. So Jaebum didn’t push it, he didn’t mention the way Jinyoung would stare at Youngjae and Mark at the dinner table with an unreadable expression on his face. Jaebum just hoped Jinyoung hadn’t fallen out with the pair over the incident.

To say they were all feeling the tension was an understatement. Jackson was the only one keeping everyone sane by always finding a way to fill the silence. Of course, in front of the fans, they kept it together, everyone doing their usual fanservice and acting like nothing was wrong.

After another minute or so of sending hearts to the crowd, everyone sat in the stools placed on the stage. It was a standard fanmeet. They introduced themselves, promoted the album and were asked questions the fans had submitted. It was always the same stuff. What’s your favourite song on the album? Who has strange sleeping habits? The usual. Jaebum was doing fine, he was even enjoying himself a little until the MC picked out another question that made Jaebum’s stomach clench.

“A fan would like to know, who would you each date out of the members?”

The second the question was read out the audience exploded into deafening squeals and people shouting out various ship names. Jaebum ducked his head in fake embarrassment to hide how uncomfortable he truly was. He half listened as Jackson went all out like he always does, trying to smother Mark a few seats down as he yelled “Markson” over and over until Mark playfully shoved him away. Jaebum was next and he wished Jackson had spent longer harassing the other members so he could buy himself more time.

The MC was still laughing a little as he turned to Jaebum with the same question. He tried to shake his head and avoid answering altogether, but Jackson started whining beside him.

“Just pick me!” Jackson suggested, winking and batting his eyelashes at Jaebum in a way that made the fans scream. It felt like everyone had their eyes on him, waiting for his response. This wasn’t supposed to be a big deal. They were asked this question constantly. They had all pretty much learned off a script for these kinds of questions.

Jackson always said either Mark or Jinyoung, pestering the two in order to embarrass them. Mark would say either Jackson or Jinyoung, while Jinyoung said Mark or Jaebum, depending on what he thought the fans would like better. Yugyeom and BamBam always picked each other as they were both the youngest and closest members. Youngjae had always said Jaebum. They had been roommates, it made sense. Jaebum wondered if his answer would be any different today as he looked over to Youngjae two seats away from him. The younger boy was looking down at the mic in his hands as he played with it a little, not even sparing Jaebum a glance.

“If I was a girl, I’d pick myself because I’m the manliest.” Jaebum finally answered earning a groan from Yugyeom on his left and slaps from Jackson on his other side.

“I disagree.” Youngjae piped up, making sure he had everyone’s attention before elaborating. “I think Mark is definitely way manlier, so I’d pick him.” He smiled slyly, sending Mark a wink for good measure. Jackson doubled over in laughter at Youngjae’s words along with the other members. The crowd erupted into thunderous screams, loving this kind of teasing.

Jaebum locked eyes with Youngjae and watched amazed as the younger boy smirked, almost challenging Jaebum to say something. Mark, meanwhile, got up from his seat and proceeded to sit on Youngjae’s lap, wrapping his arms around the younger’s shoulders. Youngjae, in turn, pulled Mark close causing the crowd to go nuts again. Once it had quietened down a little, Mark grabbed Youngjae’s mic and twisted to face the audience who waited, anticipating what he would say.

“I’d pick Youngjae too.” Mark grinned, burying his head in Youngjae’s shoulder as if bashful. Jackson howled, cringing at the cheesiness of the confession while Yugyeom hid his own face in his palms and BamBam started chanting “Markjae” relentlessly.

Jaebum noticed that Jinyoung was the only one as unimpressed as he was by this display. Jinyoung’s face was impassive as he stared at the two of them acting like a couple from some terrible drama. He was the one to shush everybody, pulling BamBam back into his seat and asking the MC to move onto the next question. They only had time for two more before their closing speeches and Mark stayed sitting on Youngjae’s lap the whole time. Jaebum tried to remind himself that it was just fanservice, nothing more. They were both just playing up to the fans.

The look Youngjae had given Jaebum, though, as if he was mocking him or knew something Jaebum didn’t, made the leader doubt the innocent nature of their behaviour. While Mark clinging to Youngjae like that was over the top and for the sake of the fans, it wasn’t unlike how they acted in the dorm. When they weren’t cooped up in their room together, Jaebum saw how Mark always seemed to have an arm around Youngjae or how the younger would subconsciously lean against the older boy. Jackson nudged Jaebum out of his thoughts, pushing the paranoia to the back of his mind.

“You have to do the closing ment.” Jackson whispered, worriedly looking Jaebum up and down.

Jaebum shook himself a little and stood up, smiling brightly at the crowd. He delivered the closing words with ease and before he knew it, they were all bowing and waving at the fans one last time as they made their way backstage. Youngjae and Mark led them out, hands intertwined even once they were out of the fans’ view. Jaebum hated how they whispered conspiratorially together before laughing loud enough so that everyone could hear. It was like they were rubbing it in everyone’s faces just how close they were. Did they really need to be constantly attached at the hip?  

Jaebum could feel his paranoia creep to the forefront of his thoughts like a menacing fog intent on clouding his mind. Were they laughing at him? Was the whole fanservice bullshit earlier done just to piss him? Youngjae had looked directly at him before it happened.

All Jaebum wanted to do was wipe that stupid grin right off Mark’s face and show Youngjae that he didn’t care about whatever the fuck was going on between him and Mark.

***

Mark was glad to be finished the last big fanmeet of this promotional cycle. He was even happier to be able to do it with Youngjae by his side. Since there was no dancing involved, Youngjae was allowed to join them, and with how Jinyoung and Jaebum were acting, Mark was thankful to have some support.

The good mood he was in definitely didn’t have anything to do with the fact he was holding Youngjae’s hand as they walked off stage. It definitely had nothing to do with the fact that even once they were away from the screaming fangirls, Youngjae didn’t let go. The small bubble of giddiness that seemed to surround them burst as Jaebum stormed by, intentionally bumping Youngjae’s shoulder roughly so the younger boy stumbled forward a little bit.

“Watch where you’re going.” Jaebum hissed, looking back to glare at them as he walked away.

“How about you watch where you’re going.” Mark retorted, dropping Youngjae’s hand to grab Jaebum’s wrist and keep him from running away.

“Excuse me?” Jaebum asked, a dangerous edge to his voice as he spun around to face Mark head-on, ripping his hand form the older boy’s grip.

“And while you’re at it, apologise to Youngjae,” Mark added, crossing his arms, standing there expectant.

“Mark, leave it.” Youngjae pleaded, tugging gently on the back of Mark’s shirt, but the older boy was determined.

“Why should I?” Jaebum demanded, mirroring Mark’s stance. “He’s not even supposed to be here. I thought he was on bed rest.” He scoffed, jerking his head in Youngjae’s direction, but refusing to break eye contact with Mark.

A part of Mark’s brain acknowledged that the rest of the members were all still standing there around them as he and Jaebum faced off, but a louder part ignored this.

“Very funny guys. Where are the cameras? Pranking us is getting old.” Yugyeom whined, looking around them for the supposed cameras. Mark could feel, rather than see, Jackson and Jinyoung standing close by, on edge, as if ready to jump in any second. They both knew this wasn’t a joke.

“Well, you’d know all about his injury. Wouldn’t you, Jaebum?” Mark asked sarcastically, head cocked to the side mockingly.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jaebum snarled, stepping closer, invading Mark’s personal space.

“The walls are paper thin. Back injuries don’t just happen, sound travels and we all know you can’t control your temper.” Mark bit out, not backing down despite how angry Jaebum looked.

“Yeah, the walls are pretty fucking thin.” Jaebum agreed, just as sarcastic as Mark had been. “I can hear all kinds of strange noises coming from your room. Do you ever think maybe the shit you guys get up to is making his back worse?”

Jaebum’s suggestion took Mark off guard for a second. Did Jaebum really think he and Youngjae were dating and were doing that in the dorm? With the rest of the members sleeping next door? Jaebum must’ve really lost it.

“Woah, man. What are you talking about?” Jackson cut in, confused by Jaebum’s implication. Before he could get a chance to calm the situation down, Mark decided to piss Jaebum off more. The asshole deserved it.

“So what if we were? You jealous?” Mark smirked, waiting for Jaebum to snap at him. What he didn’t expect was for Jaebum’s face to fall in disappointment as if Mark had just confirmed his worst nightmare. Jaebum’s composure was gone, he spluttered out a few attempts at a coherent sentence, his cheeks painted a flustered pink. Was Jaebum actually jealous of the supposed relationship he thought they were in? Jaebum couldn’t possibly like Youngjae. Could he? Jaebum had treated him like shit for months. There was no way.

“I’m right, aren’t I?” Mark gasped. His shocked tone seemed to snap Jaebum back to his senses. “You’re-” Mark tried to continue, but Jaebum wasn’t going to let him finish.

“Are you insane?” Jaebum demanded, getting in Mark’s face once again, so close the older boy could feel Jaebum’s breath hitting his face. “Do you even hear yourself? As if I’d ever touch someone like him.” Jaebum spat, looking at Mark like he was a disgusting bug. Out of the corner of his eye, Mark could see Youngjae involuntary cringe at the harsh words.  

“Say that again. I dare you.” Mark growled, grabbing the front of Jaebum’s shirt and aggressively pulling him closer.

“Get the fuck outta my face!” Jaebum yelled, pushing Mark’s chest hard, causing the older boy to stumble backward and fall. Mark felt the wind rush out of his lungs as he hit the ground in shock. Before he could even blink, a concerned Youngjae was beside him, checking to see if he was alright.

“Back off, Jaebum!” Jinyoung shouted, surprising Mark as he shoved Jaebum back. Even when Jaebum had been out of his mind with rage, Jinyoung had managed to keep his cool, but something had switched in Jinyoung and Mark could see it.

The flash of gratitude Mark felt was squashed by a wave of fear hitting him as Jaebum looked ready to punch Jinyoung. Thankfully, Jackson grabbed him before he could make another move towards the younger boy.

“Woah, what the hell is going on!? Calm down, Jaebum! You’re freaking us all out.” Jackson ordered, easily keeping Jaebum in place despite how much the other boy struggled. Mark heard a soft whimper from the side and looked up to see a tearful Yugyeom holding onto BamBam who tried his best to comfort the taller boy while looking just as terrified. Jinyoung stood there staring down at his hands, horrified, as if he only realised now what he’d done. Jaebum pushed Jackson off him, who immediately put his hands up in surrender.

“Chill, I’m not going to do anything.” Jaebum snapped, his breathing still heavy as he held Jackson’s gaze.

Time seemed to have stopped. No one dared to move a muscle or say a single word.

“Hey, guys. You ready to go?” Their manager called over from the doorway making the all jump a little. He didn’t even look up from his phone as he addressed them, missing the evident tension between all seven boys. “The company called. They said you can celebrate ending promotions tonight at any restaurant you want using the company card. Come on, I’m driving you so hurry up. I wanna get home too.” He rushed, already walking away. He didn’t even notice Mark sitting on the ground with a sniffling Youngjae or Yugyeom’s tearful face.

God, it was going to be a long night.

***

It was so awkward, it hurt.

They all sat in silence. Yugyeom, whose eyes were still a faint pink, was sandwiched between BamBam who was quietly rubbing circles in his back, and Jackson who was currently frowning at Jaebum. Mark and Youngjae sat opposite them, their chairs pushed close to one another so they were constantly touching. Jinyoung sat beside them, but his focus was on Jaebum who sat at the top of the table, already drinking a beer.

They hadn’t even ordered any food yet. Jinyoung watched anxiously from the side as Jaebum chugged the rest of his beer, slamming the empty bottle on the table and calling the waitress over to get another.

“I think now may be a good time to talk about what happened at the fanmeet.” Jinyoung began once the waitress had left them alone again, leaning forward to look around and make eye contact with everyone.

“Why don’t you ask Jaebum?” Mark snorted, looking past Jinyoung to scowl at Jaebum who was glowering down at his plate.

“Mark.” Both Jinyoung and Youngjae warned at the same time. Before anyone could continue their conversation, the waitress was back with Jaebum’s drink. He immediately reached for it, taking a long swig.

“Maybe you should slow down.” Jinyoung murmured gently.

“Maybe you should mind your own business for once.” Jaebum snapped at him. Jinyoung could see everyone tense at his words, probably fearing an argument, but he himself was too shocked to even respond.

Jinyoung knew he could be a bit overbearing and noisy, but he thought Jaebum understood that he did it all because he cared. He had to remind himself that Jaebum didn’t mean it, it was the anger talking, not his friend. Jinyoung registered Mark scoffing beside him, causing Jaebum’s attention to divert.  

“What? If you have you a problem you can leave. All of you.” Jaebum barked, looking around at all of them individually. “I don’t need a fucking lecture.” He added with a grimace before taking another long drag from his drink.  

Suddenly, Youngjae stood.

“I’ll take you up on that offer, thanks.” He smiled nastily in Jaebum’s direction. The older boy, though, was staring at the condensation running down the cold beer bottle as if no one had even spoken. “C’mon Mark.” Youngjae murmured, holding out his hand for Mark to take.

Jinyoung could feel Mark’s eyes on him for a brief second before the older boy got up and left the restaurant with Youngjae. Jinyoung watched their retreating backs, hands linked, and felt a funny weight take hold in his chest. He wished he could’ve gone with them or that they had stayed. Jackson was the one to break the silence next.

“I don’t really know what’s going on with Mark and Youngjae. Or with you and them, for that matter, but there’s no need for you to be such a dick about it, whatever it is.” Jackson huffed, pushing his chair back to stand up, screeching loudly against the floor, and grating on Jinyoung’s nerves. “We get to do what we love as our job. We have fans who care about us. Don’t throw all that away because you’re having one of your temper tantrums. Come home when you’ve sorted yourself out. C’mon guys.” He muttered, gesturing for BamBam and Yugyeom to follow. Jackson looked back at Jinyoung who hadn’t moved an inch. “You coming?” Jackson asked, but Jinyoung just shook his head.

Once they’d left and it was just the two of them, Jinyoung turned back to Jaebum who was blatantly ignoring him. He took another gulp of his beer before he decided to acknowledge Jinyoung’s presence.

“Why are you still here?” Jaebum questioned, swirling the beer bottle in his hand so that the liquid sloshed from side to side.

“Because you’re my best friend. Even if you are being an ass right now.” Jinyoung sighed which got a laugh out of Jaebum, even if the chuckle sounded hollow and lifeless.

“Thanks.” Jaebum deadpanned, already looking around for the waitress to order another beer, no doubt.

“You’re not going to tell me what’s going on, are you?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Jaebum shrugged, taking another sip of his drink before continuing. “I can’t believe it. I always thought Mark was straight, but he fell for it. Youngjae turned him so easy…” Jaebum shook his head in disappointment, his eyes glazed over.

“So, they are dating?” Jinyoung confirmed. He wasn’t dumb. He had pieced together the bits of the argument he’d heard earlier at the fanmeet, mulling over everything on the drive to the restaurant. Still, Jinyoung had assumed, and slightly hoped, it was all some big misunderstanding.

Could it really be true? Why hadn’t Mark said anything to him? Why hadn’t Youngjae? How could his two friends possibly be dating and not think to tell him? Jinyoung felt the unmistakable stabbing sensation in his chest that always came with such hurtful realisations. They didn’t trust him.

“It’s disgusting, isn’t it?” Jaebum muttered, voice sounding far away and unlike himself. “Now we have to live with two of their kind. Everything is so messed up…” He trailed off, fiddling with the napkin left on their table, ripping strips of it up. While Jinyoung was stunned by the news of Mark and Youngjae, he was downright disturbed by the way Jaebum was talking about it, like it was some sort of crime they had committed. Jinyoung would admit to himself, he couldn’t imagine Youngjae and Mark dating. He just couldn’t see it, but if it made them happy, Jinyoung would live with it.

It all made sense now. Jaebum and Youngjae falling out with one another, Mark’s hostile attitude to Jaebum. God, Jinyoung had been so blind to it all. As he looked at the boy beside him who he would’ve trusted with his life, all he felt in that moment was revulsion. He couldn’t see his best friend at all. Jinyoung had always understood that Jaebum wasn’t really himself when he had an episode, but the other boy was sitting there calmly talking about how disgusted he was by their friends. This Jaebum was a stranger to Jinyoung.

“You’re the one that’s messed up, Jaebum. Even if you don’t agree with it, you shouldn’t be a homophobic asshole about it.” Jinyoung vented, appalled at his best friends attitude. How could Jaebum not be more open-minded? It was the twenty-first century, for god’s sake.   

“You don’t actually agree with the two of them dating, do you?” Jaebum asked incredulously, leaning towards Jinyoung with something akin to desperation in his eyes. Jinyoung could smell the alcohol on his breath and it made him feel sick.

“You should be happy for them. No matter how you feel. They’re our friends.” Jinyoung responded firmly in a final attempt to reason with Jaebum. He could see none of it was going in, the older boy too stuck in his ways. “Sober up and we’ll talk about this at home.” Jinyoung sighed, defeated, as he finally stood to leave. Jaebum acted like Jinyoung hadn’t even been there in the first place, loudly asking to be served over the younger boy’s goodbye.

Jinyoung made his way home by himself, feeling more lost than he had in years.  

***

Jinyoung wished Mark was here, but he was probably still out with Youngjae. Yugyeom, BamBam, and Jackson had all gone to stay the night at Yugyeom’s house, so Jinyoung was completely alone.

It was happening again.

They were going to leave, one by one, like all his other friends and trainees throughout the years. Jinyoung had thought this would be different. They had debuted together and become so close. Jinyoung had thought he’d finally found people that wouldn’t leave him. He supposed everything must end, but not this soon. They’d only just started succeeding as one.

What was he doing wrong that made everything fall apart? Why did everyone always leave him so fast? Maybe he nagged too much. Jinyoung thought the seven of them had something good going, but were they really only going to last two years? No, there was no way that would happen. They had promised to stay together as long as they were physically able to.

Jinyoung heard the door open and close from his room. Someone must be home. He wasn’t sure who he was more apprehensive to see right now. Jaebum? Or Mark and Youngjae? Jinyoung knew he couldn’t hide in his room forever and so he went to see who it was. When he walked into the living room and found it empty he was confused for a second until he heard a few thuds coming from the kitchen.

There Jaebum was, back turned, rooting through the fridge, probably looking for the alcohol stash they usually kept in the vegetable drawer. It seemed he was so caught up in frantically emptying the contents of the fridge that he didn't hear Jinyoung sneak up behind him. 

"I decided to cut you off. Seemed like you'd had more than enough at the restaurant, don’t you agree?" Jinyoung gritted out, clearly frustrated at his best friends behaviour. 

"What the fuck, Jinyoung? Who do you think you are?" Jaebum snarled, turning on his bandmate. He abandoned the fridge, eliminating the distance between the two of them instead, towering over the younger.

"Are you kidding me right now? I'm doing you a favour, asshole! Remember the last time you pulled something like this? JYP almost kicked you out. You're lucky our manager didn't see anything earlier." Jinyoung yelled back, not afraid of Jaebum. He didn't even flinch when Jaebum backed off, only to kick the fridge door closed with a roar, running his hands through his hair, almost yanking strands out. 

"Hey," Jinyoung started, voice softer now as he slowly inched his way towards Jaebum. Jinyoung internally reprimanded himself, he shouldn’t be provoking Jaebum like this. "We'll figure it out like we did last time, ok? The managers don't need to know. We'll sort it out together, all of us, like a family. Just tell-"

Jinyoung was cut off by Jaebum's bitter laughter. His hand frozen as it hovered over Jaebum's shoulder hesitantly.

"Family?" Jaebum asked mid-laugh, raising up from his curled in position. "Who? The seven of us? We're not a fucking family, Jinyoung." His voice was full of dark humour and mirth, verging on cruel. "You can play the mommy act all you want with the younger members, but if you really think a stupid swear jar," he sneered, grabbing the glass jar on the counter and shaking it so the contents crashed around inside. "Or forcing us to have meals together or having movie nights will change that we're all only really here for the money, then you're stupider than I thought." Jaebum spat, smashing the jar against the counter in his fit of rage.

The glass shattered and fell to the ground, coins rolling into far crevices of the room. Jinyoung couldn't look at Jaebum, every word cutting into him a little more than the last. He stared at what remained of the jar instead, his own eyes glassy.

"You're wrong," Jinyoung whispered faintly. "We all love each other more than the fame, more than the money, more than anything. And I know it. I feel it. I see it every day. And if you can't, I feel bad for you, Jaebum, because you're missing out on the greatest family anyone could ask for." His voice grew stronger with every word until he was looking at a now silent Jaebum with only pity in his eyes. "I don't know what you're trying to hide by pushing us all away like this, but when you're ready to finally talk about it, I'll be here. We all will. Cause that’s what a family does.”

Jaebum didn’t look like the venomous, vicious person he had been lately. He looked absolutely destroyed, like a child lost in a crowded shopping centre. Jinyoung pushed down any guilt he felt, ignoring how his body seemed to want to involuntarily hold Jaebum and make it all better. He couldn’t do that, not this time. Jinyoung couldn’t fix it, and the very thought terrified him. 

Jinyoung stormed out of the kitchen into the living room before Jaebum could say anything else, tears of frustration spilling over just as Mark and Youngjae walked in the door. The pair had their arms wrapped around each other and were mid-laugh when they spotted Jinyoung frozen in the middle of the room, like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Jinyoung?”

Mark’s eyes widened and he instantly made a move to approach Jinyoung, calling out to him. Jinyoung couldn’t take it anymore as he choked on a sob and ran to his room, tears blurring his vision. Mark followed the younger, reaching out to stop him, but Jinyoung was too fast. The younger boy shut himself in his room and just as Mark reached Jinyoung’s closed door, he locked it with a definitive click. Jinyoung leaned his back against the door, sliding down it until he was sitting on the ground, shaking as Mark banged on the door desperately.

“I’m sorry, Mark.” Jinyoung breathed barely above a whisper. “I’m so sorry.”

Chapter Text

Youngjae stood there, confused, as he watched Mark chase a tearful Jinyoung down the hall towards their bedrooms. He knew things had been tense between Mark and Jinyoung ever since Jaebum’s episode. Youngjae could understand why Mark was upset with Jinyoung, the younger boy wouldn’t tell him exactly what was going on with Jaebum, but neither would Youngjae. Mark wasn’t avoiding Youngjae as he had been with Jinyoung. Youngjae had been telling Mark to just talk about it with Jinyoung, but every time he brought it up Mark would change the subject.

For a second, Youngjae contemplated checking up on them, but he decided against it. This was probably the longest time Mark and Jinyoung had gone without speaking to one another. They needed time alone to figure it out. With that in mind, Youngjae planned to hide away in his room, but he could still hear Mark banging on Jinyoung’s door and calling out to him. He really didn’t want to get involved with all that. So, in order to kill some time, Youngjae decided to get himself a drink and maybe call Charlie to see how he was doing. He couldn’t help the small smile that formed on his face at the thought of the other boy. They’d been texting every day for the past two weeks without fail, nothing too serious, but Youngjae wasn’t dumb. He knew flirting when he saw it.

With promotions finished, Youngjae could finally show Charlie around Seoul like he’d promised to so long ago. It wasn’t an official date, but it was something. He really should ask Mark for the name of that one really good café again.

All thoughts of where he could take Charlie flew out of his head the second he stepped into the kitchen. Jaebum was kneeling down on the ground surrounded by shattered glass, crumpled money notes, and pieces of small change.

The older boy’s whole body was shuddering with small sobs as he tried to scoop up the shards of glass closest to him. The shaking of his hands kept him from making any sort of progress. Youngjae watched Jaebum, frozen in shock as a particularly sharp piece of glass slipped from the older boy’s hand, slicing it open in the process. Youngjae winced at the sight but the cut went unnoticed by Jaebum as he simply moved to pick the piece up again, covering it in blood as he did so. Youngjae’s immediate impulse was to run towards Jaebum and smack the glass right out of his hands, but the not so far off memory of Jaebum at the fanmeet kept Youngjae rooted in place. He could smell the alcohol off of Jaebum all the way from the door. Drunk Jaebum could get messy, but Youngjae couldn’t just leave him like this.

He edged as quietly as he could towards the older boy, trying to avoid stepping on any stray shards with his bare feet. Youngjae crouched down to Jaebum’s level once he was close enough to reach out to the other boy, but still a far enough distance away to escape if he needed to.

“Jaebum.” Youngjae tentatively whispered, preparing himself for the older boy to snap or push him away. He was surprised to see Jaebum flinch at the sound of his name, his hands clenching around the glass unconsciously. Youngjae stared horrified as more blood began to drip onto the floor and Jaebum’s jeans.

“P-please, don’t. I-I didn’t mean to, mum, I s-swear.” Jaebum choked out in short gasps that Youngjae could barely hear. The sheer fear in his voice and how he screwed his eyes shut, refusing to meet Youngjae’s eyes, unsettled the younger boy.

“Mum? No, it’s me, Youngjae.” At his words Jaebum visibly relaxed, exhaling a heavy, shaky breath and looking up at Youngjae with apprehension as if he didn’t fully believe it was him. The look of relief on Jaebum’s face was short-lived, his face cracking as he looked down at the glass still held tightly in his hands. With renewed vigour, Jaebum scrambled to pick up more pieces despite the many scratches and cuts that adorned his hands already.

“Hey! Stop that. What are you doing?” Youngjae demanded, grabbing both of Jaebum’s forearms to halt his crazed movement.

“I have to fix it now! ‘Nyoungie’s jar. I-I broke it and… and he hates me now. Just like you, Mark and Jackson. ” Jaebum rambled his voice breaking in places as he struggled against Youngjae’s firm grasp. The tearful Jinyoung he’d seen earlier was starting to make sense.

“Drop them, Jaebum. You’re hurting yourself, come on.” Youngjae ordered, shaking Jaebum’s arms until the glass clattered out of his grip. Youngjae made sure to move the pieces as far away as he could before releasing both of Jaebum’s arms, the older boy’s hands falling limp on his lap.

“I don’t feel anything,” Jaebum mumbled, staring blankly down at his hands as if they weren’t his own. “I wish it hurt. I deserve it.”

Youngjae didn’t know how to respond to that, his throat constricting at the emptiness he saw in Jaebum’s eyes. Instead, he looked down at Jaebum’s hands too, trying not to cringe at the large cuts in the other boy’s palms.

“I’m going to get something to clean you up. Don’t move.” Youngjae instructed Jaebum, unsurprised when the older boy continued to gaze at his hands mutely. It only took Youngjae a few seconds of searching under the sink to find the first aid kit that Jinyoung kept for emergencies. Thankfully, Jaebum had listened to Youngjae for once and stayed put, he didn’t even try mess with the glass some more. Youngjae unpacked some bandages and disinfectant wipes before turning back to Jaebum who was still staring blankly into space.

“Can I?” Youngjae prodded softly so to not spook the older boy as he had earlier, gingerly reaching an unmarked hand out towards Jaebum’s cut up ones. When the older boy just shrugged in response, Youngjae took that as his queue to get to work. He pulled Jaebum’s hand closer to himself to see just how much damage had been done.

Youngjae bit back a hiss at how many tiny cuts he saw on each palm, some long and jagged, others so small they’d almost be mistaken for paper cuts. The bleeding had mostly stopped now, but rivulets were still running down Jaebum’s hands, tracing a red path towards his shirt sleeve. Youngjae dutifully wiped Jaebum’s hands, mindful to avoid rubbing the cuts too harshly. Jaebum still winced at the disinfectant, his hands twitching instinctively, wanting to pull away, but Youngjae kept him from doing so. The cuts weren’t nearly as deep as Youngjae had feared when he first found Jaebum. He was thankful that Jaebum wouldn’t require any stitches and they could keep the company out of this.

“Why are you helping me?” Jaebum suddenly asked genuine curiosity in his eyes despite how his words were slightly starting to blur together. Youngjae focused on tossing the now pink wipes in the bin as he answered, determined to not meet Jaebum’s unguarded gaze.

“We can’t have another member going to the E.R, can we?” Youngjae joked, waving the bandages at Jaebum in an attempt to end the discussion and avoid any more awkward conversations. He’d already had enough of those to last him a lifetime. Maybe it was everything that had happened earlier or the alcohol the older boy had consumed, but Jaebum wouldn’t let it go. 

“But you hate me.” He mumbled, not a hint of accusation in his voice. It was like he was stating something obvious that they both knew.

“Strange. I thought it was the other way around.” Youngjae muttered sarcastically, wrapping Jaebum’s hand as meticulously as he could so it wouldn’t be too tight or too loose.

“I don’t hate you.” Jaebum frowned, shaking his head a little in denial.

“You hate what I am. That’s good enough.” Youngjae responded as calmly as he could. He really shouldn’t be getting into this argument with Jaebum right now. It wasn’t the time or place for it, but he couldn’t help himself. Youngjae didn’t know what Jaebum was up to, but he wasn’t falling for it.

“No, that doesn’t make sense.” Jaebum insisted, his frown deepening as if what Youngjae was saying was as perplexing as astral-physics. “It’s unnatural, s’not right, b-but I don’t hate you.” Jaebum’s words caught Youngjae off guard. He couldn’t possibly have meant them. He was drunk and he’d take it all back tomorrow. There was no point listening to him.

Youngjae had to remind himself that the Jaebum he saw at the fanmeet was the man he’d meet again tomorrow, not this vulnerable, bandaged boy who had cowered away from him in fear only moments ago. Youngjae ignored how Jaebum had struggled his way through the sentence as if the words didn’t quite add up for him either. He ignored how when Jaebum was finished he slightly nodded to himself like he was happy where the thought had led him. Youngjae ignored the relief he felt at hearing Jaebum say he didn’t hate him. This was all too familiar territory and Youngjae needed out.

“Your hands are all bandaged up now. Come on, you need to sleep this off.” He suddenly stood up, reaching out a hand to pull Jaebum up. Neither acknowledged the remaining mess around them. Someone would clean it in the morning. Jaebum didn’t let go of Youngjae’s hand once he was standing beside him, holding on tight. The coarse bandage felt odd against Youngjae’s smooth palm. The younger boy pulled his hand away the second he realised they were standing there like that, motioning for Jaebum to lead the way to his room. Thankfully, when they came to the hall, it was empty. Mark was nowhere to be seen, but as they passed Jinyoung’s room Youngjae could pick up the sound of voices coming from within. He hoped that they had finally worked everything out. Mark and Jinyoung deserved to be happy.

It took them longer than expected to reach Jaebum’s room, the older boy stumbling several times over his own feet. Youngjae had to help a swaying Jaebum into a lying position on his mattress once they’d found their way to his room. As soon as Jaebum was safely tucked under a blanket, his eyes drooping, Youngjae backed away, hoping to exit without the older boy noticing. He could never be that lucky. Youngjae felt one of Jaebum’s bandaged hands grab his wrist right before he could stand up fully, keeping him crouched in place. He instantly regretted looking down at Jaebum. The other boy’s gaze was sleepy and soft, his hair fanned out on the pillow underneath his head, making him look so much like the boy Youngjae used to know.

“Stay,” Jaebum whined, clearly trying to fight off sleep as he tugged on Youngjae’s wrist a little. Youngjae hated how that one word made his heart ache as painfully as if someone had reached inside him and twisted. “You always keep the dreams away,” Jaebum mumbled, his eyes more awake now as he looked at Youngjae pleadingly. It would be so easy for Youngjae to just let go and slip under the covers and cuddle Jaebum like he had done so many times before, but he knew he would regret it in the morning. The cold light of dawn would bring with it the reality of who they really were.

“I can’t.” Youngjae murmured, gently detaching Jaebum’s hand from his arm and placing it on the mattress. “You’ll push me away tomorrow when you’re sober.” He continued, patting down Jaebum’s blanket for something to do with his hands. “It’s better for the both of us this way, trust me.” Youngjae smiled down sadly at the boy underneath him as he stood up to take his leave. Jaebum was silent as he digested this, not arguing back as Youngjae had expected. It was only when the younger boy was about to open the door and let him sleep that Jaebum spoke up.

“Was Mark right?” Jaebum’s voice sounded so small but reached Youngjae easily in the quiet dorm.

“About what?” Youngjae asked back, but he knew what Jaebum was referring to. He had hoped to put off the conversation a little bit longer.

“Did I have something to do with your back? That time in the bathroom. I didn’t hurt you, did I?” Jaebum questioned desperately, frustration leaking into his tone as he doubted himself and his actions. Youngjae didn’t know what to say. It seemed like tonight words had left him. He was stranded and speechless. He looked over at Jaebum lying down across the room, his head propped up at what must’ve been an uncomfortable angle so he could read Youngjae’s expression.

What Jaebum saw there must have been answer enough. Jaebum closed his eyes tight, his hands coming up to cover his face as he let out a mix between an exhale and a sob. Youngjae could vaguely pick up muffled curses before Jaebum turned on his side, his trembling back facing Youngjae.

There was nothing left to say. It was out in the open now and it couldn’t be taken back. Youngjae squashed the part of him that ached to comfort Jaebum. Jaebum wasn’t the one who had been hurt countless times, and Youngjae had to remind himself of that fact. Still, his legs felt stiff and unwilling as he dragged himself out of that room and away from Jaebum.

***

“Let me in!” Mark yelled at the closed door, getting no response from the boy locked away inside. He tried the door handle again, pulling at in the hopes of it giving way.

“For fucks sake, Jinyoung!” Mark shouted, rattling the handle one more time for emphasis. The older boy waited for some sort of sign that Jinyoung was listening to him, but when he was met with silence once again, Mark couldn’t stop himself from kicking the door in his frustration. “Just talk to me, please.”

That seemed to warrant some sort of response as Mark could hear faint shuffling from behind the door. What was Jinyoung doing in there? The image of the younger boys devastated expression flashed in Mark’s mind, his heart racing at all the terrible possibilities of what may be happening behind that door.

“What’s the point?” Jinyoung snapped from behind the door. The sound of his voice, despite the anguish it held, made Mark’s heart leap in his chest with relief. “You’re all going to leave anyway, you always do!” Jinyoung’s desolate words hung in the air, only confusing Mark further.

“What are you talking about? I’m right here.” Mark urged, pressing himself up against the frame as if he could physically push through the locked door.

“Is Youngjae with you?” he heard Jinyoung whisper. He sounded so close as if he too was trying to bridge the gap between them, despite the fact he was the one who had locked Mark out.

“No. It’s just me.” Mark assured hurriedly, praying Jinyoung would let his walls fall down now that he knew it was just the two of them. “Please, Jinyoungie,” Mark whispered, hands shaking as he closed his eyes and leaned his head against the door.

The older boy couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so on edge. He could’ve sworn he heard a faint “ok” before the door was suddenly unlocked and opened to reveal a sniffling Jinyoung. His eyes flickered to look behind Mark to the empty hallway, most likely checking if Mark had held true to his word. Satisfied to find that they were alone, Jinyoung bowed his head in an attempt to hide his tears, turning his back on Mark as he shuffled into his room.

Mark closed the door behind him and without a second thought, he flung himself at the younger boy, crushing him to his chest. The second they touched something seemed to click in Jinyoung, releasing all of his pent-up emotions. Mark continued to hug him from behind, pressing his forehead into Jinyoung’s shoulder as the younger sobbed into his hands.

“Shhh, it’s ok, Jinyoungie. I’m here.” Mark murmured, his heartbreaking at the whimpers leaving Jinyoung.

“No! It’s not ok! We’re falling apart. You won’t talk to me. Youngjae and Jaebum aren’t talking to each other. You and Jaebum are fighting now and you’ve also been secretly dating Youngjae, apparently!” Jinyoung rushed out fast, verging on hysteria as he flailed his arms wildly in exasperation. “Jackson is pissed. Yugyeom and BamBam are too terrified to come home. And Jaebum, oh god, Jaebum.” Jinyoung continued to ramble, sobbing harder at the mention of the leader. “How did everything get so fucked up? I’m-I’m going to lose you all.” Jinyoung wailed, pressing his hands to his eyes and bowing his head in defeat. Mark felt so guilty at how confused and scared Jinyoung was. He should’ve told him everything weeks ago.

“God, I’m so sorry, Jinyoungie. I should have told you sooner, but you’re wrong. Even though things really suck right now, you still have me. You’re never getting rid of me either,” Mark said, shifting the younger so that Jinyoung’s face was now pressed against his shoulder. “Someone has to annoy my Jinyoungie.” Mark joked, pressing his own head against Jinyoung’s shaking shoulder.

“I’m serious.” Jinyoung sniffled, leaning back and hitting Mark’s chest, his eyes still averted downwards. Mark grabbed the younger boy’s chin gently, tilting his face up so he could he look him dead in the eye.

“So am I. I’m never leaving you, Jinyoung. You’re stuck with me forever.” Mark shrugged, smiling softly to reassure the other. He wasn’t lying. Mark couldn’t imagine a life without Jinyoung at this point. This last week spent not speaking to Jinyoung had been pretty terrible. Youngjae had been the only distraction that kept Mark from wallowing in his room. He’d at least still been able to see Jinyoung, but that was almost worse than not seeing him at all. Mark really doubted he’d be able to completely cut ties with Jinyoung, even if they disbanded tomorrow over all of this bullshit.

“Don’t say it unless you mean it.” Jinyoung shook his head tearfully, wiping his nose with his sleeve. “Can you really promise me that no matter what happens you’ll never leave me? Even if we disband because of all of this and you move back to L.A, can you promise me you’ll keep in touch? Or if you and Youngjae get married someday-” Jinyoung babbled, the quick succession of questions making it hard for Mark to keep up.

“Wait, what?” Mark interrupted completely thrown off by the last suggestion. Youngjae? Marriage!? Jinyoung hadn’t thought he was serious earlier, had he? Jinyoung just ignored Mark as if he hadn’t heard him, continuing on with his rant.

“Can you promise me we’ll still be just as close? You’ve been distant for weeks now. Even before we had the fight! Now it makes sense, though. You were caught up in hiding your relationship and I get that, I do, but I just can’t imagine a life without you now. I mean, all of you, y’know? The seven of us. I know I nag too much, but it’s only because I care. But what if we disband and never see each other again? People always say they’ll call or text you, but they never do!” Jinyoung blubbered, his composure slipping again as more tears spilled down his cheeks.

“Woah, it’s ok. We’re ok. Even if the group disbanded you know we’d hang out and meet up as much as we could. And we all love you, Jinyoung. Even when you act like our mom. God, you’ve got it all wrong. None of this is your fault.” Mark exhaled, cupping Jinyoung’s face between his hands. “How can you not see how utterly amazing you are? I wouldn’t even be here without you. You basically taught me Korean! You made me feel part of the group, you-you-” Mark paused to gaze up at the ceiling, blinking away the tears from his own eyes. He vaguely registered Jinyoung gripping Mark’s wrist, rubbing his thumb on the skin there.

“Sorry, sorry. It’s just, fuck, you’re so important to me, Jinyoungie. To all of us, and you don’t even realise it.” Mark sniffled, laughing a little, mostly at himself for how emotional he was getting. “When I was homesick you’d look after me and you made this scary far off place feel like home. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to have you in my life. Words just aren’t good enough. Even when we’re old and you’re married to some beautiful actress, I’ll still call every single day.”

The words felt wrong in Mark’s mouth. He didn’t want to imagine Jinyoung with anyone else, but Mark had always known the reality of their relationship. Jinyoung wouldn’t ever be his in that way and Mark had to get himself ready for whenever the time came that someone would call Jinyoung their boyfriend or husband.

“Trust me, Jinyoung. I’ll be the one that’s unbearable, not you. Never you.” Mark whispered, pressing his forehead against Jinyoung’s, closing his eyes. He could feel Jinyoung’s shaky exhale on his face.

“So you promise you’ll never leave me?” Jinyoung asked, voice deadly serious.

“Never,” Mark replied without a moment’s hesitation, his tone matching Jinyoung’s.

“Even when I yell at you for sleeping in my bed?” Jinyoung asked again, tone a little lighter.

“Especially then.” Mark smiled, wiping away the few stray tears still on Jinyoung’s cheeks as the younger giggled. Mark froze as Jinyoung leaned in closer, their noses brushing against each other. His heart raced from how close they were. If he only tilted his head a little and leaned in just a tiny bit more… No, he couldn’t. He’d promised he was never going to leave Jinyoung and he’d stick by that no matter what. He wasn’t going to let his selfish desires ruin their friendship.

Jinyoung needed him and Mark needed Jinyoung. If it was only as friends then Mark would take that. He’d take whatever Jinyoung would give him, no more and no less. As long as the younger was happy, Mark would be happy too. It was with this in mind that Mark steeled himself and took a step back from everything he had ever wanted.

“Ewww! Jinyoungie, why are you rubbing your snot on me?” Mark teased, rubbing at the non-existent snot on his face. Jinyoung looked momentarily shocked before he doubled over in a fit of giggles at the elder’s disgusted face.

“Oh my god, I didn’t realise how close we had gotten. Your face is priceless!”

Mark didn’t really mind Jinyoung making fun of him like this. The way his eyes scrunched up as he laughed was worth it. Seeing Jinyoung smile always brought an unconscious grin to Mark’s face.

“Well, if you’re feeling good enough to make fun of me then I better go.” Mark sulked jokingly, pretending to actually be annoyed by Jinyoung’s immature snorting. He made a show of turning on his heel and heading towards the door as Jinyoung tried to collect himself.

“Hey,” Jinyoung called out, grabbing Mark’s wrist to stop him from leaving. “Could you maybe, um, stay?” Jinyoung stuttered out, eyes darting between the floor and Mark shyly.

“What?” Mark asked dumbly, his brain not quite comprehending what Jinyoung was asking of him.  

“Why don’t you sleep here tonight? I’ll sleep better with you here. Please? Unless you want to spend the night with Youngjae. I know you both must be really upset after everything that happened.”

“No!” Mark blurted out, making Jinyoung jump a little with how loud his voice was in the quiet room. “No, I’ll stay here. I’m sure he’ll be ok.” Mark shrugged, feigning nonchalance as he tried to recover from his embarrassingly enthusiastic response. He knew he should’ve corrected Jinyoung, but it was late and Mark didn’t have the energy to explain the mess they’d found themselves in. Jinyoung didn’t seem to think much of his outburst, moving his hand down so he could interlock their hands together.

“Good. You can borrow something of mine to wear. Is that ok?” Jinyoung grinned, cocking his head to the side and tugging Mark towards his closet.

Mark simply nodded, not trusting his voice. He really couldn’t deal with Jinyoung today. Was the younger really so oblivious to the effect he had on him?

They both got changed into a pair of pyjamas, Mark borrowing one of Jinyoung’s old-man-plaid sets. Without a word, Jinyoung lay down while Mark made himself comfortable on the rug beside his bed.

“What are you doing?” Jinyoung questioned, hanging over the edge of the bed. “There’s enough space for two. Get up here.” He continued patting the empty space beside him on the mattress.

Park Jinyoung would be the death of him.

Mark lay stiff as a board once on the mattress, not knowing what to do with himself. Jinyoung was lying with his back to him on his side. Had he already fallen asleep? Maybe Mark could slip out of the bed and sleep on the rug instead without Jinyoung noticing. He wasn’t going to get any sleep like this, his arm pressed up beside Jinyoung’s back. Mark heard Jinyoung sigh beside him, making a chance at escape impossible for the moment.

“Could you do me a favour?” Jinyoung asked tentatively, breaking the silence and making Mark flinch.

Mark could only grunt in response, not trusting his voice to remain steady.

“When I was younger and I got upset my mum would hold me ‘til I fell asleep. It helped calm me down. So, I was wondering…” Jinyoung trailed off, but Mark knew what he was asking of him. He tried to remain calm as he clarified if Jinyoung was really asking Mark to do this.

“Jinyoung… are you asking me to spoon you?” Mark tried to keep his tone serious, he really did, but at the word spoon he started sputtering a little, giggles soon taking over completely.

“You know what? Forget it. I shouldn’t have said anything.” Jinyoung huffed, clearly embarrassed. Jinyoung moved as far away as he could on the small bed, burying his face in his pillow.

Mark was a goner. He knew he’d probably regret it in the morning, but Mark really couldn’t deny Jinyoung anything, even if it would hurt Mark in the long run.

“C’mere.” He murmured, rolling on his side, and pressing his chest against the younger’s back so he could wrap his arm around Jinyoung’s waist. He could feel the younger boy stiffen for a second and Mark feared he had done the wrong thing again like he always seemed to nowadays. However, Jinyoung relaxed almost instantly, leaning back a little in Mark’s touch so that Jinyoung’s hair tickled Mark’s nose. Instead of pulling away, Mark tightened his hold on the other boy’s waist, keeping the younger boy pressed up against him.

Mark felt Jinyoung’s hand squeeze his before he whispered a soft thank you into the dark room. When he had woken up today he had never expected to find himself here, in Jinyoung’s bed, listening to the others slow breathing. A few minutes of comfortable silence followed where Mark thought Jinyoung might’ve drifted off to sleep, but the younger boy still clearly had a lot on his mind.

“Mark, do you think we’ll disband?” The question didn’t surprise him. Mark was also worried that disbandment would be the end result of all of this. If they couldn’t come to an agreement and at least fake friendship, JYP may have no choice. Mark didn’t voice these concerns. They were the last thing Jinyoung needed to hear right now, but he couldn’t lie to him either.

“I don’t know, but I don’t want to. I hope we work it out, but we can talk about it tomorrow, ok? Let’s just sleep for now.” Mark suggested, nuzzling his face into Jinyoung’s back as he fought off a yawn. There was another beat of silence before Jinyoung responded again.

“I love you, Mark.”

Jinyoung’s words left Mark’s heart racing. They’d all said ‘I love you’ to each other hundreds of times before, he knew it wouldn’t mean anything, but he stupidly got his hopes up like he always did. Mark honestly shouldn’t have been surprised at Jinyoung’s next words. “You’re my best friend. Y’know that, right?”

Mark hated the disappointment that washed over him at Jinyoung’s kind words. He should be happy to have a friend like Jinyoung, and he was, but there would always be a part of Mark that would want more. Mark thought he’d been slowly getting over Jinyoung. He had hoped that maybe Youngjae would fill the space Jinyoung used to occupy in Mark’s heart. Tonight had just proven that no one would ever really be a replacement for Jinyoung. Mark tried to imbue his voice with the true depth of his feelings as he responded to Jinyoung.

“I know. I love you too.”

Chapter Text

All Jinyoung could remember before falling asleep was a pleasant warmth and a comforting weight around his waist that had lulled him into slumber. The aching behind his closed eyes signaled he must have been upset the night before. He had probably cried himself to sleep again. Jinyoung groaned, cringing at the idea that someone might’ve seen him like that. He was an ugly crier. His face would screw up, going all red, and his nose always ran. No one needed to see that.

Jinyoung shifted a little on the bed in an attempt to stretch but was stopped by an arm keeping him in place. Shocked, he looked back to see Mark’s face pressed into his back. The older boy was fast asleep.

Everything suddenly rushed back with such vividness. The fanmeet. The restaurant. Jaebum and the fight. Mark and all the tears they had both shed. Jinyoung wished he could go back to sleep and forget the mess that was yesterday. He felt awkward lying with Mark like this though.

If one of the members walked in right now, if Youngjae walked in right now, there would be all sorts of misunderstandings. Sure, Mark and Jinyoung used to sleep together like this all the time, but it was different now. Mark was dating someone and that someone was only down the hall.

Maybe the position they were in was completely innocent and meant nothing to either of them, but if Youngjae saw them he probably wouldn’t agree. Reluctantly, Jinyoung tried to sit up on his bed to get out of Mark’s hold. The sleeping boy beside him seemed to disagree with this change, pulling Jinyoung closer the second the younger boy tried to move away.

With a surprised “oompf” Jinyoung fell back onto the mattress, a grumbling Mark pressing himself up against Jinyoung so there was virtually no space between them. After a lot of struggling and wriggling, Jinyoung managed to maneuver himself around so that he was facing Mark. Jinyoung’s squirming didn’t seem to affect Mark in the slightest. He just continued to snore lightly, his arm still tightly wrapped around Jinyoung’s waist and his face now alarmingly close. Jinyoung could feel Mark’s even breaths fanning his face and so he instinctively jerked his head back out of the other boy’s space, his heart pounding from fright.

Mark remained unfazed, snoring softly and drooling a little bit onto Jinyoung’s pillow. The younger boy would tease him about it later, but really he thought it was kind of endearing. Mark looked too cute like this. He wasn’t wearing any makeup but Jinyoung was barely able to tell the difference. Mark always looked good. Jinyoung used to wish he was as naturally good looking as Mark. The older boy always looked confused when Jinyoung expressed this. He’d counter with the fact that Jinyoung was the visual of the group. Jinyoung knew Mark was right about a lot of the things, but he was wrong about that.

Looking at Mark now, it was indisputable who the true visual between the two of them was. It didn’t matter that Jinyoung could see dark circles blossoming under Mark’s closed eyes or the fact that a small blemish was showing on his left cheek. Mark was still unfairly handsome.

Jinyoung could tell Mark’s hair still had some leftover product in it from their schedules yesterday as parts of his fringe hung heavy on his forehead. It remained fluffy though as it partly covered his eyes, brushing the bridge of his nose. It was getting long again and he’d need to cut it soon. As gently as he could, Jinyoung reached out and pushed Mark’s hair to the side with his free hand, smiling as the older boy sighed in his sleep.

“Hey, Mark,” Jinyoung whispered into the air between them, prodding Mark’s puffy cheeks playfully. The older boy twitched a little, wiggling his nose cutely but other than that he showed no sign of waking up.

“Wake up.” Jinyoung giggled, shoving Mark’s shoulder lightly. That seemed to do the trick as Mark groaned awake, his eyes still scrunched shut, hands balling fists in Jinyoung’s pyjama shirt.

“Five more minutes,” Mark grunted, actually shuffling closer to Jinyoung, if that were even physically possible, and ducking his head to nuzzle into the younger boy’s neck. Jinyoung’s hand hung limply on Mark’s shoulder, unsure of what to do. He could feel his cheeks flushing from embarrassment and was glad Mark couldn’t see his face.

Jinyoung couldn’t help the shiver that ran up his spine as he felt Mark exhale on his neck. His reaction seemed to wake Mark right up as the older stiffened and was suddenly as far away from Jinyoung as the bed would physically allow. Jinyoung was surprised Mark didn’t fall on the ground in his haste to put some distance between them. The older boy was redder than Jinyoung had ever seen him, the flush spreading past his neck and reaching under his shirt. Mark’s eyes were almost comically round as he looked around the room then back at Jinyoung.

“I’m so sorry, oh my god! I didn’t realise what I was doing, I swear.” Mark hurriedly explained, subconsciously leaning towards Jinyoung before thinking better of it and moving off the bed entirely. Jinyoung smiled fondly up at him, forgetting the supposed awkwardness of the situation at seeing how flustered Mark was. The older boy didn’t notice, too busy rubbing the sleep from his eyes and trying to flatten his bed hair. Jinyoung crawled over to the edge of the mattress until he was kneeling in front of Mark.

“Hey, it’s ok. It’s sweet how cuddly you get.” Jinyoung quietly laughed, pulling Mark’s hands away from his face and holding them by the older boy’s side so he couldn’t hide his face. Jinyoung swung their interlocked hands back and forth as he mercilessly chuckled at Mark.

“Stop it.” Mark whined, looking into Jinyoung’s eyes for a split second before ducking his head down in embarrassment. Jinyoung let go of the older boy’s hands, sitting back on his calves so he could look up and see Mark’s expression. He was just trying to tease Mark some more by sitting up a little and shoving his face into Mark’s. The older instantly reacted, lifting his head up and twisting it to the side, but Jinyoung followed him, getting more up in Mark’s space. He’d underestimated the gap between Mark and the bed, causing him to topple forward, almost colliding with Mark in the process.

Jinyoung had to grab hold of Mark’s waist to steady himself, sheepishly glancing at the other boy once he’d steadied himself. Jinyoung didn’t take into account how close they would get or how disarming it would be to be only centimetres away from Mark’s face like this. The older boy looked just as startled, mutely staring into Jinyoung’s eyes, his mouth slightly agape. Mark finally broke the intense eye contact to flicker his eyes down to Jinyoung’s lips. The younger boy tightened his grip on Mark’s shirt. It was the only thing he could do. He was too afraid to move and break this limbo state he and Mark were in where neither seemed to be moving away.

“You need to shave,” Mark said bluntly, finally lifting his gaze back up to meet Jinyoung’s. The tension that had hung between them only seconds ago shattered as if it’d never been there in the first instance.

“What?” Jinyoung blanked, dazedly blinking at Mark who was now smiling widely as if nothing had happened. Mark had felt it too, right? It couldn’t have been all in Jinyoung’s imagination, could it?

“If I’m going to tell you everything then we need to get out of the house,” Mark explained, awkwardly removing Jinyoung’s hands from his waist and bending to place them carefully on Jinyoung’s lap. “And you don’t like the fans seeing your mustache, do you?” Mark joked, cocking his head to the side as he patted Jinyoung’s leg before standing up and taking a step back.

Jinyoung couldn’t quite place how he was feeling. The over-riding emotion was confusion, but he also he felt oddly jittery, like the feeling you get as you stumble away after being on a rollercoaster. Jinyoung hadn’t even realised Mark was nearly out of his room until the older spoke again, reefing Jinyoung from his trance.

“I’m going to check on Youngjae real quick and then I’ll see you in the living room in twenty, ok?” The mention of Youngjae brought Jinyoung crashing down back to reality. He’d almost forgotten again that Mark was dating Youngjae. That Youngjae would now be his top priority. Jinyoung tried to ignore how that thought made his heart clench as he nodded in Mark’s general direction. The older boy didn’t say anything else before giving Jinyoung a short wave and leaving him alone in his room.

The second Mark was gone Jinyoung collapsed onto his bed in a heap, his heart and mind racing a mile a minute. What the fuck was that? As of late Jinyoung couldn’t seem to have a normal conversation with Mark without it ending in either an argument or Jinyoung’s brain turning to mush. Why the hell was Jinyoung’s body reacting like this around Mark?

He used to enjoy how physically close he and Mark were, it was a sign how of close they were as friends, but now it made him feel odd. Not in a bad way necessarily. It didn’t make Jinyoung nervous or afraid, but kind of giddy or nauseous in a good way. Maybe it was the fact they’d drifted apart the last few weeks or the fact they had been fighting, but Jinyoung wished he could rewind back to ten minutes ago and be back in Mark’s arms. It must just be because he had missed Mark that he was feeling this way, right?

‘Way to make things weird, Jinyoung.’ He berated himself. He’d probably made Mark feel so uncomfortable just now. Never mind the fact had Youngjae walked in like Jinyoung had feared when he woke up, he would’ve seen something really questionable.

That was the other problem. Jinyoung still couldn’t quite wrap his head around the fact that Mark and Youngjae were dating. Neither of them had ever said anything about being gay before so Jinyoung had just assumed they were straight. As far as he knew, Youngjae had never even been in a serious relationship. Mark, on the other hand, had told him about various ex-girlfriends he’d had, but never once mentioned a boyfriend.

If Jinyoung was being honest he was a bit disappointed that Mark didn’t trust him enough to tell him. Maybe Youngjae was Mark’s first boyfriend, but still, Jinyoung had to find out through the disaster that was yesterday and not from Mark himself. That bothered him. He wished he’d known sooner so he wouldn’t have made such a fool of himself these past few weeks worrying why Mark seemed to be pulling away from him.

It made sense now why the older boy had been spending so much time with Youngjae. Jinyoung wasn’t narrow-minded like Jaebum and he’d never judge Youngjae or Mark based on their sexuality, but the thought of the two of them dating made him uncomfortable. Maybe uncomfortable wasn’t the right word, but the situation certainly didn’t sit well with him.

Mark and Youngjae didn’t suit each other. Sure, they got on well, especially in the last few months they had gotten closer, but was that really enough to build a relationship on? Jinyoung knew it wasn’t any of his business really, but he was worried about his friends. At the same time, he wasn’t going to say anything to Mark or Youngjae about how he truly felt about their relationship. He wouldn’t push them away like that.

Jinyoung’s weird behaviour was clearly already causing Mark to distance himself. That is if how hastily he left was anything to go by. Accidentally manhandling Mark like that when the guy was dating someone was way out of line, even if Jinyoung hadn’t meant anything bad by it. Jinyoung cursed his lack of balance for making things awkward. He couldn’t entirely blame himself for the thick atmosphere.

The way Mark had looked at his mouth had had Jinyoung frozen in place, unable to move, as if Mark had cast some sort of spell over him.  He couldn’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if Mark had leaned in. Jinyoung couldn’t say with certainty that he would’ve pulled away.

He hid his face in his duvet, face flushed, shaking his head to dispel such thoughts. What the hell was wrong with him? He shouldn’t be having thoughts like this about Mark. Jinyoung was straight and Mark was dating Youngjae. Even if Mark wasn’t dating someone just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he’d like Jinyoung that way or find the younger boy attractive. Mark would probably be disgusted if he knew what Jinyoung was thinking right now.

It didn’t matter anyway. They were friends and Jinyoung was straight. These were the facts. Jinyoung removed his face from his duvet, shaking himself in an attempt at pushing away all thoughts of a certain boy so he could focus on getting dressed without having a mid-life crisis.

After ten minutes of indecisive staring at his closet full of clothes, Jinyoung met Mark in the living room, dressed in all black with a face mask to match. Mark was dressed similarly in comfy clothes, messing around on his phone. As Jinyoung walked up to the older boy he realised the oversized jumper Mark was wearing was Youngjae’s. It shouldn’t irk him that they shared clothes, they were a couple after all, and the members all shared clothes all the time anyway. It wasn’t a big deal. Jinyoung just needed to get used to it.

“Who you texting?” Jinyoung asked, surprising Mark and making him nearly drop his phone in the process.

“Jackson. He said him and the kids are going to JYP for the day and will probably stay in Yug’s ‘til this all calms down.” Mark sighed, pocketing his phone and giving Jinyoung an odd look. “You didn’t shave?” He asked, eyeing Jinyoung’s face mask.

“Thought it’d be quicker but then I couldn’t find the stupid thing.” Jinyoung lied. Mark didn’t need to know he had spent the good part of half an hour thinking about the older boy. “We probably won’t see any fans or reporters when we’re out anyway.” Jinyoung shrugged, heading towards the door without checking if Mark was following him.

***

They ended up at the convenience store they used to go to as trainees for ice cream. Jinyoung hadn’t intentionally decided to go there for that reason alone. It was like his feet lead them there of their own accord. If Mark remembered this then he didn’t say, simply following Jinyoung down towards the ramen aisle. They bought and prepared their food quietly, only remarking on how hot the cups were or how hungry they felt.

Since it was still early enough in the morning, the benches outside were unoccupied except for an old man and his dog. They sat as far as they could from the entrance at a bench that was under the shade of a tree for privacy. The pair ate in silence for a few minutes. Jinyoung glanced over and saw Mark staring off into the distance, slowly chewing. He wished he knew what the older boy was thinking about. Was he worried about leaving Youngjae in the dorm with Jaebum? Was he trying to think of a way to tell Jinyoung everything as he had promised?

Jinyoung watched as the older boy scooped up more noodles into his mouth, a bit of seaweed sticking to the corner of his lip. Mark didn’t notice it, reaching for his coffee and sipping at it while Jinyoung continued to stare at the spot on his lip. Looking at Mark’s lips really wasn’t a good idea considering the weird thoughts Jinyoung had been having earlier but he couldn’t drag his gaze away.

“What are you looking at?” Mark asked, glancing at Jinyoung in confusion. His question threw Jinyoung off. He didn’t realise how obvious he was being and now he had to explain himself.

“You, um, have a bit of something-” Jinyoung stuttered, pointing to his own mouth to try to express himself since words were failing him. Mark rubbed at his mouth with his sleeve but the seaweed remained in place, laughing at Jinyoung.

“Got it?” Mark checked, cocking his head to the side like a puppy. Jinyoung did not find it cute at all. Impulsively, Jinyoung reached out to wipe the stupid piece of seaweed off Mark’s face, holding Mark’s chin in his hand to do so. The older boy looked taken aback at Jinyoung’s actions, his whole body tensing a little.

Jinyoung could feel his cheeks heat up in embarrassment and prayed that if Mark noticed he’d assume it was from the cold air biting their skin. In an attempt to lighten the mood, Jinyoung rubbed the seaweed on Mark’s jeans, teasing the older boy for being messy.

“I could’ve gotten it myself but thanks,” Mark mumbled, playfully shoving Jinyoung with his shoulder before turning back to his noodles. Jinyoung cleared his throat, stirring his own noodles before deciding to just go ahead and bring up last night.

“So, um, are you going to tell me what happened or what?” Jinyoung muttered, not looking up from the table and adjusting his face mask nervously. He was starting to get frustrated at how Mark seemed to want to dance around the topic rather than face it head-on.

“Um, yeah, of course.” Mark nodded, sitting up and turning to face Jinyoung. “Uh, where do I start?” Mark sighed, more to himself than Jinyoung, frowning down at his lap.

“How about how you and Youngjae started dating?” Jinyoung snapped, his impatience leaking into his voice, causing Mark’s head to snap up and look at him worriedly.

“We’re not,” Mark responded carefully as if gauging Jinyoung’s reaction.

“What?” Jinyoung asked disbelievingly. “But you-”

“I know, I know. I was going to tell you last night but you were so upset and it didn’t seem like the right moment,” Mark rushed out, his eyes wide as he implored a stunned Jinyoung to understand. “Plus Youngjae and I never said we were dating. I just implied we were to piss Jaebum off.” Mark shrugged defensively.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe you.” Jinyoung groaned, shaking his head and rubbing his temples in irritation. “So there’s really nothing going on with you two?” He double-checked just to be safe.

“We’re just friends,” Mark confirmed.

“Good.” Jinyoung sighed relief washing over him at Mark’s simple assurance. He ignored the small voice in his head that questioned why he felt that way as he glanced over at Mark who was staring at him with an eyebrow raised.

“I, uh, mean that’s good, y’know, for the group. Not that you two dating would be a bad thing. I’d support you, like, there’s nothing wrong with you dating a guy or anything. Ugh, I’m making a mess of this.” Jinyoung stumbled clumsily through his explanation, watching Mark’s face fall in disappointment with every word. Thankfully he had stopped himself before he said something more insensitive than he already had.

Jinyoung bowed his head and waited tensely for Mark to give him the reprimanding he deserved. Surprisingly, when Jinyoung peered back up at the older boy, Mark was smiling at him. The smile didn’t reach his eyes, but it was better than the anger Jinyoung had expected to find there.

“No, it’s ok.” Mark waved him off, grinning still as he patted Jinyoung on the back reassuringly. “I know what you mean. Dating a band member would be messy. At least you aren’t like Jaebum.” Mark laughed, but there was no humour behind it.  

“Look, I know how he was last night but maybe he was just shocked. If you explain-”

“This isn’t just about last night.” Mark cut across Jinyoung. “That was the last straw, trust me. Jaebum’s been making Youngjae’s life a living hell for months just because he found out Youngjae’s gay.” Mark shook his head, his face twisted in disgust like he’d eaten a lemon. “Y’know that back injury Youngjae had? He didn’t over strain himself. Jaebum did that to him.”

“What? No, he wouldn’t.” Jinyoung vehemently denied, even as he remembered how angry Jaebum had seemed the night before, how violent he had gotten. Still, this was Youngjae they were talking about. Jaebum would never hurt any of them even if he was having an episode.

“I know it seems like he wouldn’t but I was the one who found Youngjae crying in the bathroom after Jaebum had found out about him. You didn’t see how afraid Youngjae was.” Mark countered measuredly. “I thought Jaebum had just said some bad shit to him. I never dreamed he’d lay a hand on Youngjae either,” Mark leaned in, appealing to Jinyoung, “Then when Youngjae was in the hospital he told me everything. The only reason I didn’t confront Jaebum sooner was because Youngjae begged me not to.” Mark explained, looking bitterly down at his hands.

Jinyoung couldn’t believe what Mark was saying was true. The Jaebum he was talking about wasn’t the Jaebum that Jinyoung knew. The Jaebum he knew would never have done something like that, but maybe he didn’t know Jaebum as well as he thought he did. Maybe Jinyoung had been blindly ignoring the signs that Jaebum wasn’t getting better by himself. How else did he miss all this happening under the same roof as him?

“Oh god. I feel sick.” Jinyoung muttered all the conflicting emotions he felt welling up inside him. “Why did you never tell me?” He demanded, exasperatedly turning to Mark.

“Youngjae made me promise not to tell anyone. He wasn’t ready for everyone to know and I wasn’t going to out him like that.” Mark said determinedly. “I thought we had it under control. Now I feel like I should’ve done more.” He sighed, hanging his head with his shoulders drooped in defeat.

Jinyoung wished he had found out about this sooner so he could’ve helped somehow. It was clear how much this had affected not only Youngjae but Mark too. He looked so drained and had done for a while now that Jinyoung thought about it. Jinyoung wished he could’ve been there for them and lift some of the weight off of Mark’s shoulders.

“You did all you could. Youngjae is lucky to have you.” Jinyoung murmured, shuffling closer to Mark as he put an arm around his shoulders, pulling the other boy into a side hug.

“Thanks,” Mark responded, leaning into Jinyoung a little before moving away so he could look at the younger boy. “Now it’s your turn. Tell me what the hell is going on with Jaebum. Besides the fact he’s homophobic.”

Jinyoung dropped his arm and turned so he could face Mark head on. After taking a deep breath, he told Mark everything. Jinyoung started all the way back when it was just him and Jaebum training to be JJ Project and he had seen the older boy have an episode for the first time. The only other person he’d ever talked about that with was Youngjae so it was strange sharing something he’d kept a secret for so long with Mark. He trusted Mark though.

So, Jinyoung told him how Jaebum had sobbed in his arms until they both fell asleep the night many years ago when the company had found out and threatened to break Jaebum’s contract. Jinyoung told Mark how he’d clean up after Jaebum whenever he broke something, how sometimes he had lied to Mark and the others to keep it a secret and how the company had put Jinyoung in charge of making sure Jaebum took his meds.

Jinyoung also tried to explain why he thought things were getting better before this all happened. He told Mark about how things seemed to get a little easier once Youngjae found out. Maybe it was the fact Jaebum didn’t have to hide and could be himself in their room or maybe it was the extra support. Jaebum’s outbursts became fewer and rarer to the point where the company stopped forcing the meds on him and until now it seemed like everything was alright.

Jinyoung spoke for what felt like hours, his throat dry by the end of his story. He reached for his drink, taking a long swig as Mark continued to stare at him, processing everything the younger boy had told him. Jinyoung nearly choked on his water as he felt two arms wrap around his mid-section pulling him in close.

“I’m so sorry, Jinyoungie. I had no idea this whole time. You’re so strong. I wish I’d been there for Jaebum like you were.” Mark mumbled, his voice muffled as he nuzzled his face into Jinyoung’s chest.

The thoughts from earlier flooded back to Jinyoung and he couldn’t say that the fast beating of his heart was just from shock. He was terrified Mark would hear and considered, for a brief moment, pulling away as his hands were still uncomfortably hovering above Mark. Instead, Jinyoung pushed away all his doubt and just did what felt right in the moment, resting his arms on Mark’s shoulders and patting the older boy’s hair softly.

“It’s ok. You would’ve been there if he’d asked for it and that’s all that matters really.” Jinyoung murmured reassuringly, smiling as Mark tightened his hold on the younger boy before pulling away again. Jinyoung ignored how his body missed Mark’s warmth the second he moved. It was just cold out, he rationalised.

“Jinyoung? When we get back we have to sit him down and talk to him, try to convince him to get help again. If he won’t, then I hate to say it, but our only other option is getting the company involved.”  Mark looked uneasy at his own words, but Jinyoung knew he was right. If Jaebum wouldn’t help himself or let them help him then there wasn’t much else they could do. Jinyoung just prayed it wouldn’t have to come to the company getting involved.

“I know, I know.” Jinyoung sighed, running a hand through his hair before turning to Mark once more. “That’s our last resort though. Promise me, ok?”

“Ok.” Mark nodded, getting up and signaling it was time for them to head home and face whatever waited for them there. The pair walked in comfortable silence for a while, the tension from that morning almost completely gone. The only thing that made Jinyoung hesitate in saying everything was back to normal were all the questions he had for Mark. He thought back over this whole mess and how it could’ve been avoided had they just talked to each other.

If Mark and Jinyoung had just stopped tip-toeing around each other things might not have gotten as bad as they did. Jinyoung was sick of not being brave enough to speak his mind.

“Do you mind me asking you something?” Jinyoung suddenly blurted out, startling the boy beside him.

“No, go ahead.” Mark chuckled, composing himself as he waited for Jinyoung to find his words.

“So, um, Youngjae. He’s gay, right? What about you?” Jinyoung stuttered out, his face undoubtedly red.

“What about me?” Mark teased, grinning knowingly at Jinyoung.

“Are you, um, you know, like, gay?” Jinyoung specified, cringing as Mark started full on laughing at him. If he was being honest with himself, Jinyoung wasn’t even sure why he was bringing this up now, but he couldn’t rid himself of the question. He just needed to know. 

“Yeah, technically. I’m bi, so I like both guys and girls.” Mark explained, still recovering from his giggling fit. This whole diversion in the conversation seemed to endlessly amuse Mark.

“Oh. That’s cool.” Jinyoung responded, feeling dumb. He didn’t really know how else to respond, but it didn’t seem like enough. Mark was finally telling Jinyoung stuff he’d kept from him for years. This was a whole new side to Mark. 

“It’s ok if you don’t get it. A lot of people don’t.” Mark assured him, Jinyoung could only imagine that Mark was used to much worse. The thought of someone bullying Mark or making him feel any less than perfect because of who he loved made Jinyoung angry. It was none of their business anyway.

“No, I think do.” Jinyoung finally said, thinking back again to what had happened in his bedroom only hours ago. “Is it confusing?”

“It was at first,” Mark nodded thoughtfully, “but once I accepted that I was bi I was much happier.” Mark continued smiling confidently. Jinyoung wondered what it must be like to be so sure of yourself.

“How did you know?” Jinyoung asked, trying to keep the nerves out of his voice. He could see he’d caught Mark off guard with all these questions. The older boy paused for a second before deciding how to answer Jinyoung.

“There was this guy I was friends with back in America. We did everything together. Super close. Almost like brothers, right?” Mark started, voice wistful like it always got when he spoke about LA. Jinyoung noticed how his eyes lit up talking about this other guy from his past and hated the spike of jealousy he felt. “Then he started dating this girl in middle school. I was heartbroken. I would get really jealous whenever he bailed on me to hang out with her and stuff like that. It was then I realised I didn’t just like girls like the rest of my friends. I had a crush on my friend.” Mark grimaced, looking almost sheepish. Jinyoung tried to imagine a younger Mark, probably spotty and somehow skinnier, finding out he had a crush on his best friend. He felt a fondness take over him. 

“Did you ever confess?” Jinyoung couldn’t help but ask.

“No, he’s straight. I never had a chance, but I got over it. We’re still friends and it’s all fine. I told him about it years later and we laughed about it.” Mark assured him, that beautiful grin back on his face.

“So you’ve never dated a guy before?” Jinyoung pried, anxious to hear what Mark’s answer would be.

“Oh no, I have. But not here. It was back when I was in the states, y’know. It’s harder over here for me now to date in general, never mind dating a guy. Dispatch would be all over an idol sneaking out to go to a gay bar.” Mark joked, his face scrunching in distaste at the thought. Jinyoung laughed half-heartedly in response, unsure what he had wanted to hear Mark say.

“Ah, I guess. Why not date Youngjae then?” Jinyoung suggested, trying to appear casual even though he still didn’t like the idea of them together. 

“Like I said, neither of us feel that way about the other. I’ll admit that I thought about it for a while and I even half convinced myself I had feelings for Youngjae, but I was just trying to get over someone.” Mark admitted, his eyes no longer as bright. Alarms were ringing in Jinyoung's mind at the news Mark had feelings for someone. How much had he been keeping from him?

“Did it work?” Jinyoung choked out, having to clear his throat.

“No.” Mark shook his head without any hesitation. Jinyoung wondered how long Mark had liked this person without telling him. Had he kept it a secret because it was a guy or was it because they were an idol?

“Who is it?” Jinyoung spoke without thinking, curiosity getting the better of him.

“I’d rather not say. He doesn’t like me anyway.” Mark instantly shut him down, lips set in a thin line.

Jinyoung instantly regretted opening his big mouth when he saw how uncomfortable Mark became.

“Well, he’s clearly blind.” Jinyoung huffed. He didn’t understand how anyone could turn Mark down. He himself had been so close to simply leaning in and kissing Mark earlier and Jinyoung knew he was straight, or well he thought he was. It was all getting too confusing.

“Thanks.” Mark smiled wryly, looking at the empty street ahead of them instead of meeting Jinyoung’s eyes.

“Youngjae texted me,” Mark suddenly changed the topic, eyes focussed on his phone as he continued. “He went to meet up with the others. He said Jaebum hasn’t surfaced yet. That was half an hour ago.”

“He’s probably hungover as hell,” Jinyoung muttered, worry starting to set in as he saw how close they were to the dorm. It was only a short five-minute walk later before they were in front of the door. Mark, probably sensing Jinyoung’s apprehension, patted the younger on the back comfortingly, motioning for him to head in first. When Jinyoung opened the door and walked into the living room he expected it to be deserted. Instead, Jaebum was sitting there in the middle of the floor waiting for them, still in his clothes from last night, his hair a ruffled mess and his face wet with tears.

“Guys, I need to tell you something.”

Chapter Text

Mark and Jinyoung apprehensively settled themselves on the ground opposite Jaebum. They didn’t know what to prepare themselves for. Mark thought perhaps this was the moment Jaebum would admit that he had been treating Youngjae terribly for the past few months. What he hadn’t expected was to be told the story of a boy named Im Jaebum.

Jaebum had been six years old. He remembered feeling so excited that morning because he was going over to Changsun’s to play. Jaebum had woken up long before his mum and dad, too hyper to sleep. He hadn’t seen his best friend for over three days but it had felt like a whole year had passed. Jaebum practically bounced in his seat in the back of his mum’s car. He had to remind himself to be careful not to crease his trousers. Mum would scold him if he did and he didn’t want her to take him home early from Changsun’s like last time.

Jaebum waited impatiently for his mum to walk around and let him out of the car once they were stopped outside Changsun’s house. Changsun was already waiting for them, standing at the open front door waving wildly at Jaebum with both of his hands. Jaebum wanted to run to him, but Jaebum’s mum kept a tight grip on him so he had to content himself with simply grinning widely at his best friend and waving back with his free hand as they walked up the short path to Changsun’s house. His mum still refused to let him go even once Changsun’s mom closed the door behind them.

The two parents talked above their sons’ heads about things Jaebum had no interest in. Changsun was distracting him anyway. His best friend hid behind his own mum’s legs, peeking out at Jaebum and making a different funny face every time he appeared. Jaebum had to look away from the other boy, a hand over his mouth to muffle his giggles. His mum never liked when Jaebum was too loud around other adults but when he was with Changsun it was hard to remember all her rules.

Like right then. He looked back at Changsun to see him with his eyes rolled back into his head, fingers pulling his mouth wide open so Jaebum could see his gums. Jaebum pulled a face in return, crossing his eyes and sticking his tongue out. He was six years old; standing still when he could be playing with his best friend was unbearable. Without thinking, and completely driven by boredom, Jaebum tugged gently on his mum’s hand to grab her attention.

“Mummy, can I please go play with Changsunnie now?” Jaebum whined, pouting up at his mum above him. He shouldn’t have been so surprised when she glared down at him sharply, clearly annoyed. Jaebum still remembers gasping as she yanked him harshly by his hand, pulling him closer to her side.

“Patience is a virtue, Jaebum.” She snapped, leaning down into the small boy’s space as her grip tightened painfully around his hand in warning. Jaebum scrunched his face at the feeling, wishing he could pull away, but he knew his mom was too strong. He shouldn’t have been so rude and just waited like the good boy his mum wanted him to be. Jaebum felt his cheeks heating up in shame. He hated when she scolded him in front of people like this.

“Oh no, it’s fine. I was just about to suggest we head to the kitchen anyway.” Changsun’s mum said, smiling at his mum and then down at Jaebum. The other woman crouched down until she was at Jaebum’s height, ruffling his hair. “I know we took too long talking, Jaebummie. It’s ok. You can go play with Changsunnie now, alright?”

Jaebum silently nodded back at her as he felt his own mum’s grip loosen a little. Changsun’s mum winked at him conspiratorially before righting herself and gesturing for Jaebum’s mum to follow her down the hall.

“Jaebum,” His mum called him, frowning at him sternly. “You be a good boy and don’t cause any fuss. I’ll be just downstairs.” It was more of a threat than reassurance and he understood that. With one last hard squeeze of his hand, she let him go, heading into the room Changsun’s mum had disappeared into. Then she was gone and Changsun was there, grabbing his stinging hand and pulling them both upstairs.

“Come on, hurry up! You’re so slow!” Changsun squealed, pushing open his bedroom door and dragging Jaebum inside. “I found a rock on the beach,” He continued, dropping Jaebum’s hand to rootle through a pile of toys and cushions on the ground. “It’s all pink and stuff with holes in it, kinda looks like a face. See?” Changsun asked, shoving the stone so close to Jaebum’s face he was sure he was cross-eyed again. If Jaebum squinted he could make out a wonky smiley face from the cracks in the stone, but if he was being honest he couldn’t really see it. Jaebum couldn’t say that to Changsun, though. Not when he was smiling expectantly at Jaebum, eagerly waiting for him to agree. So he did, nodding enthusiastically and taking the lumpy rock from Changsun so he could roll it around in his hands.

“Do you like it?” Changsun pressed, face suddenly serious as he watched Jaebum’s expression.

“Yeah, it’s pretty,” Jaebum assured him even though the big stone was actually kind of ugly and awkward to hold in his small hands. 

“Good. I got it for you.” Changsun grinned, twisting away from a shocked Jaebum to rifle through the pile again. “I have one too. Look,” Changsun turned with an equally as misshaped and sandy rock clutched in his fist. “Matching.” He shouted gleefully, bumping his rock against Jaebum’s like he was high-fiving him.

“Thank you, Changsunnie.” Jaebum shyly mumbled, hugging the rock to his chest. No one had ever gotten him a present like that, completely out of the blue for no reason at all. It wasn’t really that ugly, it was actually kind of nice in its own way. Changsun had picked it for him. It had to be special.

“C’mon, I have to show you the new truck daddy got me!” Changsun rushed excitedly, the rocks completely forgotten about for the moment as he ran to his cupboard, re-emerging with a bright, shiny new fire engine.

They played happily together like that, picking up right where they had left off as if those three days had never separated them in the first place. Jaebum couldn’t help but still be annoyed at Changsun’s absence, though.

School without him had been hard. Jaebum had spent the first day alone on the playground and the last two hidden away in the bathroom at lunch. He didn’t get why Changsun had to go somewhere else. Didn’t he need to go to school too? The other boy had missed out on learning all the names of the provinces. What if he never learned them? Then he’d be lost if he ever left their hometown. Changsun had never said why he had to leave with his parents but Jaebum hoped it wouldn’t happen again. Once was enough.

“Sunnie, where did you go with your mummy and daddy? I missed you.” Jaebum grumbled, finally speaking his mind as the other boy pushed the fire engine around, making siren noises.

Changsun didn’t acknowledge his question until Jaebum forcibly stopped the fire engine in its tracks, making his own crashing sounds as he upturned the toy. Changsun wailed in mock despair, holding onto Jaebum and shaking him as he cried over all the lost lives of the firefighters.

“Jaebummie! You’re such a meanie!” Changsun playfully scolded, pouting up at Jaebum with his arms still wrapped around him tight. When Jaebum continued to sulk Changsun only giggled. “Fine! I went to a wedding! My auntie got married. Do you know what that means?” Changsun asked smugly, knowing full well that Jaebum had no idea what he was talking about.

“Sounds boring.” Jaebum huffed, crossing his arms and pouting while Changsun continued to cling to him.

“It was. I wish you could’ve come with us. I missed you too.” Changsun admitted, squeezing Jaebum closer and resting his head on Jaebum’s shoulder.

“What is it anyway?” Jaebum asked, a little less sulky than before. “A wedding.” Jaebum clarified when Changsun gave him a confused look.

“Oh! There’s cake!” Changsun exclaimed brightly, letting go of Jaebum to sit in front of him instead, legs crossed underneath him, leaning eagerly forward. “That’s the best bit. Oh, and there’s dancing and music and all my family was there too. It was so long before that stuff happened. We just sat there for ages and my auntie and her friend stood up at the front. I guess he’s my uncle now.” Changsun added thoughtfully.

“What? How?” Jaebum demanded, looking lost.

“Because she married him,” Changsun explained, it reminded Jaebum of how their teacher spoke to them. “My mummy said they were best friends and loved each other so much that they had the party or wedding or whatever with the cake and music. She said they live together now like her and daddy and your mummy and daddy.”

“Really?” Jaebum couldn’t believe it was that easy to become someone’s uncle or to be like his mummy and daddy.

“Yup! And mummy said one day I’d get to have a wedding too.” Changsun added proudly. Jaebum couldn’t imagine his friend doing something as important and grown up like that. Changsun didn’t even know all the provinces yet.

“Can I come?” Jaebum asked uncertainly, fiddling with the rock that sat heavy in his trouser pocket.

“Jaebummie!” Changsun suddenly yelled, making Jaebum nearly jump out of his skin. “Of course you have to go! You’re my best friend. It’d be your wedding too, dummy. That’s how it works.” Changsun exclaimed, exasperated by Jaebum’s apparent stupidity.

It wasn’t Jaebum’s fault. He didn’t know anything about these adult things. It never seemed to matter before. What Changsun was saying made sense to him, though. They were best friends, always attached at the hip. Jaebum often wished they did live in the same house, or that Changsun and his parents could move in with them.

“Then we’d get to live together? Like your auntie and uncle?”

“Exactly! We could play all day long!” Changsun urged, getting more excited the more they talked about it. It was infectious and Jaebum could feel himself returning Changsun’s wide grin with one of his own.

“And we’d never have to be apart?” He assured, thinking back to his few lonely days in school.

“Never!” Changsun furiously shook his head. “It’d be like a sleepover but forever!”

“Why don’t we have a wedding now? Today!” Jaebum suggested. He didn’t see why they would have to wait until they were old like Changsun’s auntie and uncle. He wanted to live with Changsun now so they could be together forever.

“We should! Aww, but we don’t have any cake or fancy clothes.” Changsun muttered, visibly deflating at the obvious flaw in their plan.

“Mummy doesn’t let me have cake anyway. You know that.” Jaebum sighed. He never got to eat it, not even on his birthday. His mum always told him it was bad for him; it was too sweet. Despite this, at Changsun’s birthday parties the other boy always sneaked Jaebum a piece of birthday cake when Jaebum’s mum wasn’t looking. Maybe they could do that again.

“We have to have cake! Hmm, maybe we could do the boring stuff now and have the wedding later.” Changsun reasoned, thinking about it before nodding confidently and standing up.

“Ok. What do we do?” Jaebum asked, looking up in anticipation at the other boy from his spot on the floor.

“Stand up,” Changsun ordered, grabbing Jaebum’s hands when he did. “And hold my hands like this.” He interlocked their fingers together, swinging them from side to side when he was satisfied with how they were standing. “Okay, so there was this man with them and he said lots of boring stuff but I don’t really remember any of it. I know we have to say something nice to each other. That’s what my auntie did and everyone cried. I’ll go first.” Changsun cleared his throat before fixing Jaebum with his best attempt at a serious look, his eyebrows pulled together and his nose scrunched up in concentration.

“Jaebummie, you’re my best friend in the whole world and you’re the best at singing,” Changsun said gravely as if he was in one of those crime dramas Jaebum’s dad loved. “Now you say something about me.” He beamed, back to his usual self.

“Changsunnie,” Jaebum started, mimicking Changsun’s serious tone. “You’re my best friend ever too and you’re also the best at making fire truck noises.” At this Changsun let out a series of various siren noises and the pair burst out laughing.  

“Thank you. So now I think the man said something like ‘I an-anoun-announce you husband and wife?” Changsun trailed off as if asking Jaebum, who was even more clueless. “Yeah, that sounds right.” Changsun shrugged carelessly.

“Wait, isn’t a wife for a girl? We’re both boys.”

“Fine, fine. I denounce you husband and husband. See? I fixed it.” Changsun smirked at Jaebum like he was the smartest person in the world.

“Is that it? Are we married now?” Jaebum questioned, looking around as if expecting something to have happened.

“Hmm, no. There was another thing. Let me think,” Changsun frowned, scratching the side of his head in an attempt to jog his memory. “Oh! I remember. You may kiss the husband!” Changsun triumphantly announced.

“Which husband? Me or you?” Jaebum questioned, head cocked to the side as he watched Changsun try to figure it out. He realised how confusing it would be to remember who was who in the future.

“I can’t. I have a cold.” Changsun finally decided. “Just kiss me on my cheek so you don’t get sick too.” He continued, turning his head to the side so Jaebum could easily lean over and kiss his cheek.

It was kind of weird but it also made sense to Jaebum. In all his bedtime stories the princes did stuff like this so they could be with the princess forever, right? Maybe it was the same with a wedding.

“Mwah!” Jaebum intentionally tried to make the kiss as sloppy and wet as possible to annoy Changsun as payback for making Jaebum be the prince. It worked. The other boy immediately screeched and moved back to wipe his cheek while Jaebum doubled over with how much he was laughing. The giddiness and warmth that enveloped them both at that moment could not last long. Such things had a tendency to be fleeting.

“Im Jaebum.” His mum’s cold use of his full name stopped Jaebum’s chuckles in their tracks. He looked up to see her standing there in the open doorway, her face dark. “What are you doing?” She gritted out.

Jaebum couldn’t speak. He knew that face. It was the one his mum had worn at the supermarket when he had dropped something and broke it. He knew he was in trouble but also that she wouldn’t yell at him yet. Not in Changsun’s house. Jaebum didn’t understand, though. He hadn’t been bad this time, had he? Nothing was broken, his clothes weren’t ripped or stained. While Jaebum tried to understand why she was looking at him like that Changsun replied to Jaebum’s mum.

“We’re married, Mrs. Im.” Changsun happily declared, linking his hand with Jaebum’s again. She didn’t meet either of their eyes, her focus entirely on their joined hands, a look of disgust that Jaebum would soon become familiar with on her face.

“Jaebum, come here. We’re leaving. Now.” Her voice quivered, barely concealing her anger. Jaebum had gotten in trouble lots of times but he’d never seen his mum like this before.

“But we haven’t-” Jaebum spoke up at last, voice soft and tentative as he moved closer to Changsun. That only made things worse.

“Now!” Jaebum’s mum shouted, storming over to the two boys and forcibly ripping them apart. He felt Changsun’s hand slipping from his grip, their fingertips trying to cling to each other until the last second. It all happened so fast from there.

Jaebum remembered struggling against his mum as she lifted him up by his middle. He kicked and swung his arms, trying to reach back towards Changsun who had just stood there, frozen and afraid. Jaebum later that night would be furious at Changsun for not trying to help him stop Jaebum’s mum, but now he understood that Changsun had been just as frightened as Jaebum. He was only a kid after all. What could he have done? Changsun had no idea what would happen behind closed doors once Jaebum got home. It wasn’t his fault.

Jaebum doesn’t remember much of how his mum got him down the stairs and back into their car. The whole memory is blurry. The only distinct thing about it was the yelling. Jaebum still isn’t sure whether it came from him or Changsun or even Changsun’s mum. All he remembers is an overwhelming loudness.

Once he had been tackled into his booster seat and strapped in with his seat belt, Jaebum tried to look out the car window and see Changsun. It was useless. The tears in his eyes made it impossible to see beyond the basic shape of a house and then the car was driving away.

The drive home was silent except for his mum’s heavy breathing and Jaebum’s own sniffles. He tried his best to stop the tears, his mum hated when he cried like a baby, but they wouldn’t stop no matter how much he willed them to. The drive to Changsun’s house that had seemed so long before was now almost cruelly short on the journey back. In no time, his mum had stopped the car and was opening his car door.

“No, no, please, mummy. I’m sorry.” Jaebum wailed, flinching away from her as she unbuckled his seat belt. Apologizing was pointless, he knew that even at this age, but he had to try. Desperately, Jaebum clutched at the arms of his booster seat, not wanting to go inside. He was safer in the car. The house was never safe. Even if his dad was home.

“Be quiet.” She snapped, wrenching Jaebum out of the car by his arm, not caring how he nearly fell onto the tarmac as a result. She dragged him all the way to their front door like that, his arm twisted painfully in her grip, causing his eyes to sting with more tears. His mum shoved him inside once she had unlocked the door with such force that the boy hurtled and fell face forward onto their hall carpet. Jaebum could feel the rough carpet burning against the palms of his hands, leaving marks that licked at his hands like flames.

“Get up.” His mum ordered, slamming the door closed behind her.

“That hurt.” Jaebum gasped out, winded from his fall, trying to ignore the sharp pain in his hands as he stared at the ground, head hung low.

“Good.” His mum spat out, circling above Jaebum like a vulture looking down on her prey. “You deserve it after what I saw you doing. It’s disgusting.” She hissed, crouching down and grabbing a fistful of Jaebum’s hair to pull him up so they were face to face. “You’re never seeing that boy again.”

Jaebum’s stomach dropped at her words. There was no uncertainty in her expression or voice as she said it and that terrified Jaebum. Changsun was his only friend. None of the rest of the kids in his class liked him. He’d be all alone.

“But Changsunnie’s my best friend!” Jaebum sobbed desperately, earning him a hard slap across his cheek that caused his head to snap to the side. He cried out in shock at the sharp pain, a slight ringing in his ears making him blink out silent tears.

It wasn’t the first time his mum had hit him but all the other times he had done something bad and he understood that. Jaebum didn’t know what he’d done wrong or why he couldn’t be friends with Changsun now.

“Not anymore. He’s sick. I won’t let you end up like that.” His mum muttered in frantic determination, tugging on Jaebum’s hair as she ranted on to make sure he kept his attention on her.

“Mummy, please.” Jaebum whimpered uselessly. All it got him in response was another slap.

“Do you really need to be so hard on him?” Jaebum heard his dad ask from the living room doorway in a bored tone. Momentary hope spiked in Jaebum’s heart as his mum looked over to his dad.

It was squashed in the next instant when his mum tightened her grip on his hair, only to toss Jaebum to the ground like he was nothing. He hit the carpet hard, the old bristly material aggravating his already redraw cheek.

“This is for his own good. You never discipline him properly.” His mum scolded, standing upright and challenging Jaebum’s dad to do something about it. The carpet underneath Jaebum was slowly getting damper. His dad looked down at him meeting his son’s teary eyes with disinterest before meeting his wife’s gaze once more.

“Whatever. Just make sure dinners on time.” His dad shrugged, returning back to the living room. Jaebum closed his eyes, trying to keep a sob back as he heard the door click, leaving him alone with his mum. Every step she took towards had him flinching, shrinking in more on himself. Jaebum refused to open his eyes even once he felt her looming over him again.

“Promise me that you won’t ever talk to him again.” She murmured calmly, placing a gentle hand on the side of Jaebum’s head. He didn’t answer at first; the combination of his crying and the fact he couldn’t stop shaking made it difficult to speak. Jaebum’s hesitation only seemed to irritate her. “Promise me!” His mum ordered, pressing his head down into the carpet, making the young boy bawl in a mix of panic and fear. All he could register anymore was how much it hurt.

“I-I prom-promise! I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Jaebum shrieked, just wanting the pain to stop.

“That’s a good boy.” She exhaled, releasing her hold on his head to pat his hair softly. His scalp still ached from her harsh pulling but Jaebum couldn’t help but lean into her soothing touch, seeking comfort. He tried his best to slow his racing heart and shuddering breaths but nothing could stop the tears that continued to slip out. “Now, get up Jaebum. You’re going to ruin mummy’s carpet.” She nagged, shaking Jaebum’s shoulder and forcing him into a sitting position once he made no sign to move.

Jaebum sat there limply, like a doll, his burning hands in his lap, one side of his face an angry, oozing red. He felt two hands cup his face, he flinched as they brushed his still sensitive cheek. When Jaebum raised his eyes he was met with his mum looking at him in disappointment.

“You’ll understand when you’re older. I wouldn’t have to do this if you were just good like I asked.” His mum frowned, igniting a flicker of guilt in Jaebum. He always tried so hard to be good but he still let his mum down. Maybe he wasn’t trying hard enough. “Now, get cleaned up. Dinner is in an hour.” She dismissed him, ushering a still dazed Jaebum in the direction of the stairs. The rock Changsun had given him bumped against his leg in his pocket; a heavyweight on the small boy.

Jaebum told Mark and Jinyoung how he had crawled up the stairs to their family bathroom and washed the fibres of carpet out of his hands and cleaned his raw and oozing cheek. He told them how once he had finished cleaning himself up, he had gone down for dinner as if nothing had happened. Jaebum was so caught up in his own memories he didn’t realise Jinyoung had started crying. Mark held Jinyoung’s hand in his own, face tight and eyes glassy as he listened to Jaebum talk. Jinyoung looked like he wanted to interrupt, but Jaebum wasn’t finished.

The next day before school he remembered his mum scolding him again as she stuck plasters on his hands and face to cover the marks up.

“Now, what do we say if anyone asks what happened?” His mum prompted as she put the last bandage on.

“I fell while playing.” Jaebum recited perfectly, receiving a bright smile from his mum and a light tap on his nose as a reward. He didn’t think to ask why he had to lie. His mum didn’t like it when he asked too many questions; she said it was rude. Jaebum didn’t want to ruin her good mood again like yesterday at Changsun’s house.

No one had questioned him anyway. Boys fell over all the time. People assume they play rough so none of his teachers thought much of it. Only at lunch did someone approach Jaebum and ask what had happened.

Jaebum was sitting on the ground in a deserted corner of the playground chewing on his sandwich and minding his own business. His head was down so he didn’t notice the person until they were suddenly blocking the sun, casting a shadow over him. Fear filled Jaebum when he looked up and saw Changsun standing over him, a worried look on his face. He had managed to avoid the other boy all day in class as the teacher had put them sitting far away from each other at the beginning of the year. Jaebum had left for lunch as quickly as he could but Changsun had still found him.

“Jaebummie, what happened to your face?” Changsun asked, getting down on his honkers to be at Jaebum’s level so he could reach out and touch his face. Jaebum recoiled from the other boy’s touch, quickly moving to stand up and escape. Changsun looked shocked at Jaebum’s sudden movement, standing up himself and spreading his arms out to block any exit Jaebum could make.

“What’s wrong?” Changsun demanded, confused and scared looking.

“Leave me alone.” Jaebum huffed, pushing at Changsun to make the other boy move out of his way.

“What? Why?” Changsun questioned, grabbing Jaebum by his shoulders to keep the shaking boy in place.

“My mummy says we can’t be friends anymore. You’re sick and she doesn’t want me to get sick like you.” Jaebum rushed out, visibly upset, struggling against Changsun’s hold. His words only served to make Changsun look more puzzled.

“I’m not sick. My cold’s almost gone.” Changsun protested, causing Jaebum to pause in his insistent wriggling. What Changsun was saying made sense and it made Jaebum hesitate and think about it. Maybe if he told his mum Changsun was feeling better then she would change her mind. Then he remembered how angry she had been.

“I still don’t think she’d like us being friends,” Jaebum mumbled under his breath, subconsciously fiddling with the plaster on his palm. “She got mad because we’re friends. I don’t want to get in more trouble.” Jaebum shook his head, peering around him as if his mum would appear from behind a tree and see him talking to Changsun.

“She doesn’t have to know,” Changsun assured him confidently, grinning as he could see he was chipping away at Jaebum’s resistance. Jaebum really didn’t want to be alone. Even just that day without Changsun had been terrible. All Jaebum wanted to do was play with his best friend like they do every other day. He doesn’t understand why his mum was so against it.

“What if she finds out?” Jaebum asked, even though he knew full well what she might do. The thought made him squirm in fear, a phantom pain spreading from his hands to his cheek.

“She won’t,” Changsun promised and Jaebum believed him. He should’ve known not to rely on the words of a six-year-old, a kid who knew no better than Jaebum did the ways of the world. Jaebum trusted those dark brown eyes that seemed so sure of themselves.  

“It’ll be our secret, ok?” Changsun dramatically whispered, offering up his pinkie to Jaebum who, without a second thought, interlinked their pinkies, a soft smile on his face.

“Ok,” Jaebum whispered back, sealing their fate.

It had worked for a while. The two of them would spend lunchtimes together like nothing had changed but they couldn’t see each other outside of school. Jaebum was never allowed to leave the house without his mum unless it was for school. So, even if they accidentally bumped into each other while out, neither boy showed that they knew each other.

Jaebum’s mum was never the wiser. Things got harder as they got older and Changsun got more independence while Jaebum’s mum only seemed to get stricter. By the time they were ten Changsun had already started to push for Jaebum to stand up to his mum and confront her about the ban on their friendship. Jaebum didn’t want to hide it anymore either. He, just as much as Changsun, wanted to be able to hang out at each other houses or go to the cinema at the weekend like other kids their age.

Changsun argued that it had been years since she had forbidden Jaebum from hanging out with him but Jaebum didn’t think that would make much of a difference. His mum was as strict as ever about school, their reputation and his appearance. He doubted she would budge on this.

Naturally, Changsun wasn’t too fond of Jaebum’s mum and what he saw as her over the top rules and restrictions. His dislike of Jaebum’s mum came to a head one day in class. Jaebum had been sitting there listening intently to the teacher and taking notes when Changsun had rapped his pen on Jaebum’s arm to get his attention.

“What is it?” Jaebum muttered, not looking up from his notebook as he tried to copy from the board.

“How’d you get those?” Changsun whispered, pointing at Jaebum’s arm where his sleeve had accidentally ridden up to reveal a series of bruises. Jaebum frantically pulled his sleeve down, dropping his pencil on the ground in his haste. His cheeks flushed pink in an uncomfortable mix of shame and embarrassment.

“It’s nothing,” Jaebum mumbled, not looking Changsun in the eyes. He just couldn’t bring himself to.

“Jaebum-” Changsun started. However, he didn’t get to finish that thought, the teacher cutting across him to tell Changsun to stop talking in class. Jaebum breathed out a sigh of relief and pretended Changsun wasn’t staring at him for the rest of the lesson. When the class ended and they were free to go to lunch, Jaebum half expected Changsun to question him the whole way to the cafeteria but thankfully the other boy remained quiet. Jaebum half-hoped Changsun had forgotten about the marks on his arm but he should’ve known he’d never be that lucky. Once they had sat down with their lunches Changsun leaned over the table, invading Jaebum’s space, face serious.

“Who gave you those bruises on your arm?” Changsun questioned, eyes narrowed in suspicion, voice low despite the fact the noisy cafeteria would keep him safe from prying ears. Jaebum opened his mouth to respond but Changsun beat him to it. “And don’t tell me you fell on your way home yesterday or that you walked into a door like last time. This happens too often.”

“It’s really nothing.” Jaebum lied, tugging at his blazer sleeve defensively as he glared down at his food. Changsun could see right through him. He always did.

“Did your dad do it?” Changsun suddenly asked. He was wrong but it was close enough to have Jaebum’s head snapping up in fear, eyes wide. “I know you failed that test yesterday. Was he mad?” Changsun carefully prodded.

“He couldn’t care less,” Jaebum muttered sourly under his breath, more to himself than anyone else, but Changsun still heard him.

“Your mum?” He guessed and Jaebum froze. He didn’t recover from the shock quickly enough and he could see it in Changsun’s face that he knew now. Jaebum’s mum was going to be so angry at him if she found out he’d told Changsun. “Oh my god, Jaebum. We have to tell someone if she’s hurting you.” Changsun pushed, his face crumpled in concern.

“What?” It was too much already having Changsun know. Telling even more people would only upset his mum more. “They’re just marks. I deserved it. I should’ve studied harder like she said.” Jaebum huffed, shaking his head in confusion as he played with the food on his plate, not quite able to meet Changsun’s wide, searching eyes.

“Does she do this all the time?” Jaebum simply shrugged at Changsun’s question, uncomfortable under all this scrutiny. “That time you came in with a black eye, was that her too?” Changsun pressed further, making Jaebum shrink in his seat, the questions bearing down on him as he struggled to breathe. This must be why his mum never wanted people to know. She knew they would interfere and poke until you found yourself prickling in your own skin.

“I don’t know why you’re trying to make such a big deal out of it. They’re just a few bruises.” Jaebum snapped, sick of being looked at with Changsun’s big, sad eyes as if he was a broken toy left out to rot.

“Because you’re my best friend! We have to tell someone, like an adult, a teacher or-or the police, or my mum, I don’t know.” Changsun rambled nervously, arms gesturing wildly. Jaebum thought he looked out of his mind.

“The police? Changsun, she’s my mum!” Jaebum whisper-shouted across the table, Changsun’s words doing nothing to stop the slow swelling of rage in his chest.

“She hits you! That’s not normal, Jaebum.” Changsun argued back. It made no sense. Didn’t all parents treat their kids the way his mum did? Maybe Changsun’s didn’t but that didn’t mean they were doing the right thing. Maybe they were the ones in the wrong.

“You’re just saying this because you don’t like her ‘cuz she doesn’t like you. Ever since we were young you’d say mean stuff about her because she doesn’t want us to be friends.” Jaebum ranted, taking his frustrations about their secret friendship and his mum and all her rules out on Changsun even though he didn’t deserve it.

“Why are you getting mad at me?” Changsun yelled back, but Jaebum wasn’t listening anymore. He stood up, shoving his tray of food across the table so it slammed into Changsun’s, and stormed out of the cafeteria.

Jaebum had hidden in a bathroom stall for the rest of lunch, only emerging once the bell rang for class. For the remainder of the day, Changsun and he didn’t even look at each other and when the day ended they parted ways without their usual goodbyes at the school gate.

They didn’t speak or acknowledge each other for a whole week. Jaebum still sat at their table during lunch, out of habit, but he never saw Changsun even though he scanned the cafeteria for him every day. It was only when the next Monday rolled around did one of them cave in.

That weekend Jaebum had clumsily dropped one of his mum’s favourite dishes and unfortunately for him it was the one day she decided to wear a ring. She normally never wore much jewelry but luck wasn’t often on Jaebum’s side. When she had slapped him the ring had cut open his lip. While it had scabbed over by Monday and wasn’t nearly as swollen as it had been on Friday, Jaebum knew Changsun would notice.

Jaebum walked into class that morning, head down, hoping to take his seat beside Changsun without anyone looking at him. It seemed like Jaebum’s life was just one cruel joke after another as some kid from their class who wasn’t looking where they were going, much like Jaebum, knocked into him.

“Hey! Watch where you’re going!” The girl complained, loud enough to draw several other students’ attention, including Changsun. His friend’s eyes were trained on Jaebum’s lip, his expression unreadable.

Jaebum apologized to the girl before glancing back at Changsun to find the other boy was no longer looking at him. Changsun kept his head down, reading from his notes even when Jaebum took his seat beside him. Jaebum expected some sort of confrontation or comment about his appearance but Changsun pretended he wasn’t even there so Jaebum did the same.

Lunchtime came and Changsun left without a word. Jaebum packed away his stuff and made his way to the cafeteria alone as he had done every day the week previous. He wasn’t sure whether to be disappointed or relieved that Changsun hadn’t said anything. It didn’t matter, either way, they were clearly still fighting and Jaebum didn’t know how to fix it.

Maybe Changsun didn’t want to be friends anymore. With such heavy thoughts, ten-year-old Jaebum trudged through the cafeteria line, picked up his usual meal and sat at his empty table with a sigh. It was less than five minutes later that someone sat opposite him, their tray scratching on the table, the noise making Jaebum jump in his seat. He looked up to see Changsun sitting there like he’d been there all along like they’d never fallen out. Neither said anything for a moment as if both were stunned at Changsun’s appearance.

“I’m sorry. I missed you.” Changsun murmured, reaching across the table to place a bottle of strawberry milk in front of Jaebum. It was his favourite but his mum never bought it; there was too much sugar in it. Jaebum stared at the small bottle in disbelief. He could feel the tears threatening to build behind his eyes but he swallowed them back. Jaebum was certain his eyes were nonetheless glassy as he looked back at Changsun, the cut on his lip stinging as he smiled at the other boy.

“Thank you. I missed you too.” Jaebum mumbled shyly, opening the bottle and taking a sip as Changsun smiled sadly back at him.

With Changsun knowing about his strict his mum was, things got simultaneously easier and harder. Changsun was always ready to comfort Jaebum, offering a hug or hand to hold even when Jaebum said he was fine, but he also kept suggesting Jaebum run away or fight back, both of which Jaebum would quickly shut down. He’d never do that to his mum. Sometimes he and Changsun would argue about it, Changsun attempting to convince Jaebum that his mum’s reactions were too severe and unfair. It was all Jaebum knew and he refused to continue the conversation the second Changsun said a bad word against his mum.

It was Jaebum’s 13^th birthday when things started to fall apart. That year Jaebum’s birthday fell on a school day and he was excited because that meant he got to spend his birthday with Changsun. They had a mini birthday party, just the two of them, in the cafeteria at their usual table.

There wasn’t any cake but Changsun had brought in streamers, party hats and of course a present for Jaebum. Jaebum eagerly ripped off Changsun’s messy wrapping, almost dropping the present in his haste. He couldn’t believe his eyes when all the paper was discarded to the floor. Jaebum immediately recognised the Walkman that Changsun had just gotten for Christmas. He remembered the jealousy he had felt when the other boy had shown him the Walkman in school. It was one of the new ones that could play CDs on it and had built-in headphones.

“But this is yours?” Jaebum looked up from the Walkman in disbelief.

“It’s yours now. You like music more than I do.” Changsun shrugged as if it was nothing as if this wasn’t the greatest present Jaebum had ever gotten. Jaebum shot up from his seat opposite Changsun, running around the table to throw himself at the other boy. He hugged Changsun tight in thanks, his best friend chuckling at Jaebum’s reaction as he returned the hug.

It was one of the best birthday’s Jaebum had ever had. It didn’t matter that they ate terrible cafeteria food or that people gave them funny looks because of the party hats. They were just happy to be together.

“I have another present but it will have to wait 'til school ends,” Changsun announced, a proud smile on his face. Jaebum whined that he wanted whatever it was now but Changsun wasn’t going to budge.

The rest of the day dragged but eventually, the final school bell rang and Jaebum waited for Changsun outside the school gates in anticipation. Changsun showed up in no time but there was nothing in his hand except his schoolbag which confused Jaebum.

“C’mon, we have to walk a bit to get to the present.” Changsun grinned excitedly, gesturing for Jaebum to follow behind him as he walked ahead.

“Is it far? I can’t be home late.” Jaebum asked worriedly, twisting his schoolbag straps as he followed behind Changsun in trepidation. Furtively, Jaebum looked around them, more out of habit than anything else. His mum never picked him up from school anymore but unease still wracked his bones.

“Five-minute walk. Less if we’re fast.” Changsun promised, holding Jaebum’s hand and squeezing it gently in reassurance before dragging him along.

Changsun was right. It took less than five minutes for the boys to find themselves at their destination; the local supermarket. Jaebum threw Changsun a confused look that the other boy ignored, a smile splitting his face in half.

Changsun practically skipped as he led Jaebum to a nearby bench in the car park. Jaebum tried to argue that he needed to head home because his mum would be waiting but Changsun wasn’t having any of it. He ordered Jaebum to sit there and wait.

Jaebum watched, amused, as the other boy ran into the shop as quickly as his legs would allow. He sat there wondering what kind of present Changsun planned on getting him in the supermarket. It was a good distraction from the anxiety he felt at hanging out with Changsun out in the open like this. Jaebum already had an excuse prepared to tell his mum when he got home. Hopefully, if he ran all the way home, he wouldn’t be too late and she wouldn’t be too annoyed. It was his birthday after all.

“Close your eyes.” He suddenly heard Changsun call from behind him. Jaebum must’ve been so lost in thought that he hadn’t noticed his friend emerging from the shop and sneaking up behind him, causing him to jump in fright.

“You nearly gave me a heart attack, you idiot,” Jaebum grumbled, but he was smiling as he covered his eyes with his hands, eager to see what else Changsun had planned.

“Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you!” Changsun started singing, completely off tune, as he moved around the bench. Jaebum dropped his hands from his face in surprise, his eyes sparkling and smile bright as he caught sight of Changsun holding a small cupcake in his hands, a lit candle sticking out the top. “Happy Birthday my dear Jaebummie, Happy Birthday to you!” Changsun finished happily as he maneuvered to sit beside a giggling Jaebum on the bench. “Quick, make a wish before it goes out.” Changsun urged, trying to protect the candle’s flame from the cold January wind.

Jaebum could barely blow out the singular candle, his lips uncontrollably stretching into a smile every time he caught Changsun’s warm gaze. So, he closed his eyes tight and wished that he and Changsun would be best friends forever. Changsun cheered once the candle was blown out, scooping a bit of cream off the top of the cupcake and rubbing it on Jaebum’s cheek.

The other boy doubled over in a fit of giggles at Jaebum’s shocked face, clutching onto Jaebum so he wouldn’t fall off the bench with how hard he was laughing. Jaebum quickly snatched the cupcake from Changsun before he could squish it between them, shaking his head at how ridiculous Changsun could be. After he’d calmed down and Jaebum had wiped his face clean, they sat there with their backs against the bench, leaning into one another and sharing the cupcake.

“I had to ask this old grandpa to light the candle, y’know,” Changsun giggled, pausing to look at Jaebum. “I know it’s not a proper cake but-” Changsun started again, stuffing a piece of the cupcake in his mouth.

“No, it’s perfect, Sunnie. Thank you.” Jaebum beamed, turning his head to show the other boy how truly grateful he was for the simple gesture. The warm smile Changsun gave him in return reminded Jaebum how glad he was that they had stayed friends, even if they had to hide it.

Now that he wasn’t expecting it, Jaebum seized his chance at revenge, smudging a huge dollop of cream on Changsun’s nose. The other boy was quick to retaliate, wiping the icing from his nose and trying to rub it on Jaebum’s face, resulting in the birthday boy squealing. They were so caught up in each other that neither noticed the familiar car pulling into the car park.

“Jaebum? Is that you?”

His mum’s voice made Jaebum’s blood run cold, the smile on his face draining away like watercolours running down a blank canvas. He turned and saw her car parked there a few feet away, the window rolled down to reveal her horrified face. Jaebum felt Changsun stiffen beside him as he too realised who it was.

“Get in. Right now.” His mum bit out, the anger in her voice reaching them on the bench. With shaky legs, Jaebum tried to stand up and walk towards the car, but Changsun latched onto his arm, keeping him in place.

“Don’t go with her.” Changsun pleaded, looking up at Jaebum with those big dark eyes of his that seconds ago had been shimmering with joy. It was a tempting thought. To sit down with Changsun and go back to messing around as if his mum had never shown up would be a dream, but now that she had descended upon them like a cluster of storm clouds, there would be no avoiding trouble. All their efforts to keep their friendship hidden had amounted to nothing. Jaebum would eventually have to face her. She might go easier on him if he didn’t resist.

“I have to go. I’ll be fine, Sunnie.” Jaebum smiled reassuringly, detaching Changsun’s hand from his uniform sleeve, holding onto him for a moment longer. The honk of the car horn made Jaebum drop Changsun’s hand in fright, turning and running to his impatient mum. He ignored the worried “Jaebummie” Changsun called after him as he hopped into the passenger seat beside his fuming mum.

Jaebum wasn’t lying when he said he’d be fine. His mum didn’t hit him as much anymore. The odd time she would throw things at him or refuse to let him eat by locking him in his room. Maybe it was the fact his growth spurt had made him a harder target, but now she mostly just yelled at him when he did something wrong. Even so, Jaebum couldn’t deny as she furiously sped away that this was the angriest he’d seen her in a while.

“How long?” She suddenly demanded, voice quiet, eyes never leaving the road ahead of them.

“How long what?” Jaebum asked and immediately regretted it as his mum whipped her head incredulously in his direction, unrestrained fury in her eyes.

“How long have you been lying to me Jaebum?” She growled, any pretense of a calm exterior gone. “Did you ever stop being friends with that boy or were you just sneaking around like this for years?” When Jaebum didn’t respond right away she slammed a hand on the steering wheel in frustration, making Jaebum startle. “Answer me!” His mum yelled, the sound louder in the small confines of her car.

“We-we never stopped being friends,” Jaebum confessed, eyes trained on his lap.

“Huh. And to think I was going to the supermarket to buy something nice to cook for your birthday dinner. Well, I guess the jokes on me. My only son has been sneaking around behind my back this whole time.”

“Mum, I’m sorry, but he’s my best friend. I-”

“No, he’s not. You obviously didn’t listen to me last time, but you are not being friends with someone like that.” His mum sneered, turning into their driveway and shutting the engine off.

“Like what?” Jaebum challenged, bracing himself for the rebuke.

“Inside. Now.” His mum grunted, avoiding his question entirely as she climbed out of the car.

Jaebum remained where he was. He’s not sure what sparked the sudden urge to rebel but one thing he knew for certain was he couldn’t just give Changsun up like that. Not that easily. Not after all this time and after everything they had been through. Jaebum held his breath as his mum walked towards the front door, only stopping once she realised her son wasn’t dutifully following behind her.

“Get out of the car, Jaebum.” Came her muffled command. He ignored it, staring her down from the passenger seat. Jaebum could see she was barely keeping a handle on her anger, her hands balled in fists by her side.

When he still didn’t move after another few seconds, his mum stomped over to his side of the car, wrenching the door open and grabbing his arm. Jaebum was ready for her, though a tight grip on his seat so she only barely managed to pull him half-way out of the car.

“I’m not moving until you tell me why.” Jaebum screeched, thrashing against her painful grip on his arm. He could see her shock as clear as day, her grip loosening so he could pull away. Jaebum hadn’t disobeyed like this ever before and if he was being honest with himself, he was terrified.

“Because he’s going to corrupt you.” His mum sighed, crossing her arms and fixing Jaebum with a look of pity. “I could see it when you were kids and it was there again today. I tried to keep you away from him the second I realised what he was that day he made you kiss him. He was spouting this disgusting nonsense about you two getting married. As if this country would allow something as sinful as that.” She scoffed, shaking her head and looking slightly nauseated.

Jaebum remembered it as clear as day, but it hadn’t meant anything. They were just two kids playing around.

“He likes you in the way he should like girls, Jaebum. He’s trying to make you like him; gay. That’s why I didn’t want you being his friend. I could see he was already infecting you. I was trying to protect you from that but you didn’t listen. Seeing him with his hands all over you today made my skin crawl. How he looks at you isn’t right. It isn’t natural. I saw him watching you today as you ran over to the car. His eyes never left you.” His mum ranted, her eyes distant and her body visibly shuddering at the memory.

Jaebum would admit he and Changsun were quite touchy, but it had never once made Jaebum feel uncomfortable. He actually loved how close they were. His mum and dad never really showed affection through physical contact so it nice to have someone to hug. Jaebum had never given it much thought. It felt completely natural, but if Changsun did like boys in that way…

“Changsun is my friend. He isn’t like that, he doesn’t like me like that. He wouldn’t do that to me.” Jaebum objected, desperately trying to prove his mum wrong.

“They trick you into thinking that they’re your friend. That friendship is all they’re after. They’re predators that prey on the weak minded.” His mum pressed, leaning in closer to Jaebum, frantically looking around them before turning back to him and continuing in a low whisper. “Has he ever just bought you things to cheer you up? Is he always trying to hold your hand or hug you?”

Jaebum thought about all the times Changsun had surprised him with strawberry milk or his favourite food. He always worried he got more out of the friendship than Changsun did, but every time Jaebum would bring this up, the other boy would assure him that ‘this is what friends are for’.

Even today, until his mum showed up, Jaebum had been having a great birthday and it was all because of Changsun. He knew he could never do the same for Changsun. Having Jaebum’s mum in the dark meant Jaebum couldn’t ask for money to buy Changsun a proper present. So, instead, every year Jaebum spent weeks on a homemade gift that could never compare to Changsun’s presents. He was always insecure about little things like that.

Jaebum often wondered why Changsun stuck around when he had so little to get from their friendship. Changsun always claimed he loved the homemade gifts better than any other gift he got, but Jaebum knew he had to only be saying that. The more Jaebum thought about it, the more he started to doubt. His mum couldn’t be right, could she? Would Changsun really mess with him like that?

“I knew it.” His mum grinned triumphantly at Jaebum’s drawn-out hesitant silence. “All of that was fake, Jaebum. He doesn’t actually care about you. He just wants you to end up like him; sick and confused.” She pushed, her words hitting each of his insecurities with scary precision.

Maybe his friendship with Changsun was too good to be true. What could he possibly get from being friends with Jaebum? A friendship restricted within the hour of lunch with a boy who needed patching up half the time. Jaebum knew he was hardly a fun person to hang out. Maybe the reason Changsun had stuck by Jaebum’s side all these years was that he knew Jaebum was too desperate for a friend to see the truth.

If what Jaebum’s mum was saying was true, then Changsun didn’t have other friends out of loyalty to Jaebum, but because they probably knew what he was like. Everyone in school must think Jaebum is the same. It was the other boy who had first suggested all those years ago they ‘get married’ as if it was completely normal for two boys to do that.

His mum was right. Changsun is weird. Making Jaebum kiss him like that when they were six and then pushing to remain friends after. Changsun had been messing with him this whole time.

Jaebum felt sick. The acidic taste of betrayal filled his throat, tears prickling the backs of his eyes. He was angry, but also sad, and the two together left his body confused about what to do with itself. On autopilot, Jaebum exited the car at last. All he wanted to do was go up to his room and pretend that today hadn’t happened, but Jaebum stood there, spaced out, his body refusing to move.

“Get inside already. The neighbours will talk.” His mum scolded, yanking a limp and lifeless Jaebum inside.

The next day Jaebum avoided Changsun as much as physically possible, rushing out of class once the lunch bell rang. He had a fool-proof plan to grab his lunch from the cafeteria and quickly run to the bathroom and eat it in one of the stalls. Before he could even join the line, a panting Changsun was standing in front of him, blocking his way.

“Are you ok?” Changsun asked, eyes darting around Jaebum’s face, checking for bruises and cuts. Jaebum stiffened when Changsun’s hand tried to rest on his shoulder.

“Don’t touch me.” Jaebum spat out, his voice shaking as he flinched away from Changsun’s concerned gaze. His mum’s words rang clear in his head. Changsun didn’t actually care. It was all some messed up joke on Jaebum.

“Did she hurt your shoulder?” Changsun murmured under his breath, stepping closer to Jaebum so no one would overhear them. He could feel Changsun’s breath hit his cheek and the close proximity made Jaebum’s stomach churn.

“Back off! Leave me alone!” Jaebum yelled. On instinct, Jaebum shoved Changsun backward, the other losing his balance and falling on his butt on the ground. People were beginning to stare, but Jaebum couldn’t care less.

“What the hell, Jaebum?” Changsun looked up at him, hurt in his eyes, his bottom lip quivering. A crowd started to gather in the hopes of a fight breaking out to make lunch more entertaining.

“Stay away from me! You’re sick, you’re gay!” Jaebum shouted, his voice cracking, fists shaking. He only vaguely registered the gasps and sniggering from the kids gathered around them, his vision blurry and his head ringing. “You like me, and that’s disgusting.”

Some had started wolf whistling, some others were snickering in an attempt to keep their laughter in. Changsun’s face was a mixture of devastation, confusion, and fear. Jaebum never gave him the chance to deny the claims, crouching down to grab a fistful of the front of Changsun’s shirt.  

“Talk to me again,” Jaebum hissed, pulling Changsun in close before shoving him back down onto the ground, hard. “And I’ll really hurt you.” Jaebum threatened, standing up and leaving his best friend in tears on the dirty cafeteria floor.

They never spoke again after that day. Changsun heeded his warning and refused to even look Jaebum’s way. Instead, when they passed each other in the hall, Changsun kept his head down or turned around, heading in a different direction. Jaebum, on the other hand, found it remarkably easy to make new friends.

Lots of the boys in his year saw him as a sort of rebel, inviting him to sit with them at lunch the next day. They were a bit too loud for Jaebum but it was better than sitting alone. They got good grades so his mum liked them which was a plus.

Ironically, it was with these friends that Jaebum had snuck out for the first time and gone to his first proper party when he was just 14. It was with these same friends that Jaebum became close to girls. He even dated a few to prove how cool he was like you do at that age.

Outwardly, Jaebum had moved on. He had forsaken Changsun for these new friends that he didn’t have to hide from his mum. Inwardly, Jaebum thought a lot about the other boy. He was hard to ignore. They still went to the same school and were in the same class. However, Jaebum saw less and less of Changsun as they got older.

At first, the other boy stopped showing up to the cafeteria for lunch. Then he eventually started missing class too. Jaebum knew of the teasing his outburst in the cafeteria last year had brought on. Enough people had patted Jaebum on the back for how he had treated Changsun that day for Jaebum to guess even then how they’d act towards Changsun.

Jaebum wasn’t shocked that people called Changsun names. He could hear them in class every day, and in the cafeteria too, saying unspeakable things to Changsun. In class, Changsun sat alone. No one wanted to be associated with him anymore. Jaebum didn’t interfere.

At the time he believed it was all Changsun’s fault. He had brought this on himself. Jaebum should’ve known the bullies in his school wouldn’t have been happy with simple spiteful words. It wasn’t until Jaebum was fifteen that he realised the full extent of what Changsun was going through. Funnily enough, it was only days after he had secretly auditioned for JYP when he was on his way home from school that he saw Changsun pinned up against a wall.

Two boys held an arm each, laughing as Changsun flailed in their grip, while another boy alternated between punching Changsun’s face and stomach. Jaebum recognised them. One of them was a friend of his. He felt sick. Changsun was barely discernible as he slumped over, face bloody. The only thing that made Jaebum sure it was him was Changsun’s voice crying out in distress before he was shut up by a hit square in the jaw.

“That was my first episode ever,” Jaebum muttered, tracing shapes with his bandaged finger on their wooden floor. “I- I just couldn’t handle seeing him like that. It didn’t matter that he was gay or whatever. I think I thought they were going to kill him or something,” Jaebum shook his head at himself, chuckling bitterly. “All I know is that I ran at them and then the next thing I knew I was on the ground, blood everywhere, all over my hands and clothes. My vision was blurry and my head felt like it was splitting open. The first thing I did was throw up. The three guys had run and it was just me and Changsun. The one thing I’ll never forget is how he looked at me. He looked so afraid.” Jaebum shakily exhaled, staring at a spot on the ground. His eyes were far away, completely lost in memories. “I was worried for a second that the guys were still hanging around so I crawled to where he was hunched over against the wall but the second I got close to him he flinched away from me, cowering in fear. I didn’t understand so I tried to explain it was just me. I reached out and touched his arm and that was when Changsun started screaming. He called me a monster. He said I nearly killed one of the guys and just kept yelling at me to get the hell away from him. He even threatened to call the police.” Jaebum trailed off, biting his lip to keep it from quivering.

“Did he?” Mark asked, his curiosity getting the better of him. Jaebum didn’t seem to mind the prompt, finally glancing back up at his two bandmates before continuing.

“No. Maybe he should’ve, but he just left me there and ran. He told his parents what had happened so of course, my mum found out. She wasn’t nearly as angry as I expected her to be. She only locked me in my room for three days and honestly, I didn’t want to go to school or see anyone anyway.” Jaebum shrugged. The casual mention of his mum’s mistreatment sent shivers up Mark’s spine. It made him so angry to think that Jaebum’s mum locking him in his room was her way of going easy on Jaebum.

“I didn’t want to see the damage I had done. Even if they deserved it. I thought my life was over. I was convinced my mum wouldn’t let me sign the contract with the company, but she did. I heard her and my dad talking late one night. They were afraid of me and wanted to send me away without making me angry, so JYP was the solution.” Jaebum grimaced, his eyes watering at the memory. Even now Mark could see him trying to be strong, trying to downplay how hard it had been for him then. Seeing his friend like that, combined with everything he had just found out, made it hard for Mark to keep himself composed. “Of course this was with the understanding that I would pay back all of the training fees myself so it wouldn’t cost them anything. So, a week or two later I moved into the dorm and, well, you know the rest,” Jaebum said, looking at Jinyoung before turning to Mark. “I assume ‘Nyoungie filled you in already.” He murmured with a sad smile.

Mark silently nodded as he wiped his eyes with the back of his palm. Mark had kept the tears at bay during Jaebum’s whole story, trying to stay strong for both Jaebum and Jinyoung. The youngest of the three had given up on trying to hide his tears early on, letting them stream down his face without shame. Jaebum didn’t seem to notice how upset his friends were. He was too caught up in his own mind.

“I tried to forget everything that happened. My mum. Changsun. All of it. I wanted a clean slate and the life of a trainee was a great distraction. I barely had time to think about how tired I was, never mind how fucked up my life was, y’know?” Jaebum laughed, but it was more sad and sarcastic than anything else. “But then Youngjae told me he was gay and it was like I was thirteen all over again with my mum hanging over me and-and, I-I hurt Youngjae. His back injury? That was m-me. He told me last night and I don’t know how I’m supposed to live with myself.” Jaebum choked out, his breathing heavy and fast. Mark worried for a second that the other boy was going to have a panic attack, but Jaebum managed to even his breathing a little before moving on. “He must hate me now. I deserve it. You should hate me too. Who the fuck would stoop so low? I feel sick even thinking about it. Can you believe he’s the one who patched me up last night after I stupidly cut myself trying to put your jar back together, ‘Nyoungie? After everything I’ve done, and he still did that.” Jaebum scoffed, the ghost of a smile haunting his features. “He reminds me of Changsun in that way. Last night, as I sat there, hands bloody like they were all those years ago, all I could think about was Changsun. I couldn’t hide from it any longer. All the memories came rushing back. I don’t want history to repeat itself. I don’t want Youngjae to look at me the way Changsun did. He’s gay and I know that’s wrong, but I can’t keep living like this without him.” Jaebum rushed out in a frenzy, hiding his face in his hands, clearly frustrated by his conflicting feelings and thoughts.

“Jaebum, why do you think it’s wrong to be gay?” Mark prodded gently, an idea already forming in his mind. Maybe Jaebum wasn’t a homophobic lost cause after all.

“My mum. She said-” Jaebum muttered from behind his hands but he was cut off by Jinyoung’s sharp voice.

“Your mum also abused you for years. Do you really trust her moral judgment?” Jinyoung snapped, his outrage at the situation seeping into his voice. At this point, Mark honestly wouldn’t have been surprised if Jinyoung had slapped Jaebum’s mother had she been present.

“But I deserved it, didn’t I? She only hit me when I was bad like I told you.” Jaebum dismissed, looking affronted by Jinyoung’s question.

“Jaebum, the stuff she hit you for, god, most parents wouldn’t even scold their kids for that stuff. No kid deserves to be treated the way you were. You were a kid for fucks sake!” Jinyoung exclaimed, tears still falling from his eyes as he spoke. “Tell me, what would you do if you knew whenever Yugyeom went home to his parents that they locked in him in his room, didn’t feed him and even hit him?”

“I’d never let him go home again,” Jaebum answered without any hesitation.

“Exactly.” Mark jumped in before Jinyoung could, grabbing Jaebum’s attention. “You’d protect him. Just like Changsun tried to protect you, just like your dad should’ve protected you. Nothing that she did to you was your fault, Jaebum.” Mark assured the other boy, hoping he’d somehow dispel all the toxic bullshit Jaebum’s mum had fed him. “What she did to you was unforgivable and what she told you about being gay isn’t true. I think that deep down you know she’s wrong too. Youngjae was one of your closest friends. Before all of this, you would’ve done anything for him. We all joked that he was your favourite but there was some truth in that and you know it. He’s still the same Youngjae that he was a few months ago. All that’s changed is that now you know he likes guys.”

Jaebum was silent for a long time after Mark’s speech, gazing down at the floor. The older boy just hoped that he had said the right words to make Jaebum open his mind.

“And you do too.” Jaebum quietly responded, finally lifting his head and boring his eyes into Mark’s soul. Mark took it as a good sign that there was no revulsion or hatred in Jaebum’s face. It was like Jaebum had just commented on the weather or the colour of Mark’s shirt.

“Yeah, I do.” Mark finally responded even though Jaebum hadn’t really been questioning him. “Is that ok with you?” He asked carefully, half expecting an enraged Jaebum to raise his head.

“I don’t know.” Jaebum sighed, tiredly rubbing his face. “I have no idea what’s right and what’s wrong anymore. The only thing I’m sure of is that I don’t want to lose you guys. You guys are all I have. I have to fix this. I can’t live without Youngjae. He makes the IED better. He makes me better. God, I miss him so much. I miss making him laugh, I miss hugging him and just being able to talk to him about everything and anything- ” Jaebum rambled, his voice verging on hysterical as he got himself more worked up.

“Hey, hey, look. Of course, you need to make up with Youngjae, but he won’t make you “better”. No one magically can.” Mark interrupted, staring into Jaebum’s eyes intently, willing him to understand that there was no miraculous quick fix to this. “You need to go see someone. A professional, not one picked by JYP, but one that will actually help you. Jinyoung and I will look for one with you.” Mark promised as Jinyoung mutely nodded along.

He couldn’t stop thinking about what Jaebum had said. The last part about Youngjae sounded almost as if Jaebum was talking about an ex of his. That wouldn’t make any sense though. The memory of Jaebum at the fanmeet unwillingly popped into Mark’s mind. Mark had been joking when he’d suggested Jaebum was jealous, but Jaebum’s reaction had been odd. It was like he had been caught out. Mark shook himself out of such thoughts. Now wasn’t the time for it.

“I know.” Jaebum relented, hanging his head again. They sat like that for a minute and it looked like Jinyoung was going to break the silence first when Jaebum’s sudden sharp intake of breath beat him to it. Jaebum’s exhale was a sob, his shoulders shaking with the tremors.

“I’m so sorry, guys.” He mumbled between sobs, his breath hitching at the end of his sentence. Without a seconds pause, Jinyoung had closed the short distance between himself and Jaebum, quickly wrapping his arms around their hunched over the leader. Jaebum instantly leaned into Jinyoung’s touch, crying harder than before and continuing to stutter out apologies.

Mark scooted to Jaebum’s other side, placing a comforting hand on the other boy’s shuddering back, not wanting to crowd him. Mark pretended not to notice how Jaebum reflexively stiffened before relaxing and blindly reaching a hand out.

Mark grasped Jaebum’s searching hand in his own, squeezing gently to let the other boy know he wasn’t offended but that he appreciated that Jaebum was going against years of indoctrination. Mark couldn’t expect Jaebum to instantaneously turn around and be accepting of other sexualities. That wasn’t fair. Jaebum hadn’t pushed him away, though, and that was a start.

It gave Mark hope.

Chapter Text

“I’m just saying, I don’t see why you didn’t tell me sooner. You know how open-minded I am, Youngjae!” Jackson whined in the chair beside him for what felt like the tenth time that day. Youngjae only slightly regretted agreeing to meet up with the three of them in this small café for breakfast. He supposed Jackson’s endless questions were better than hiding away in the dorm, afraid that he’d bump into Jaebum.

“I know, I’m sorry. I was just worried you guys wouldn’t take it well.” Youngjae sighed, glancing at Yugyeom and BamBam who was sitting across from him, uncharacteristically quiet. 

“Like Jaebum?” Yugyeom asked.

“Yeah, like him. I mean, sure people are more accepting these days, but it’s still pretty taboo in Korea if you’re gay. Of course, I was worried what you’d all think.” Youngjae mumbled, looking down at his still full plate of food so he didn’t have to meet the three pairs of eyes that were trained on him.

“Well, Jaebum is an old-fashioned idiot.” Yugyeom snapped, surprising Youngjae with how angry the younger boy sounded. “You can’t control who you like.” Yugyeom continued exasperatedly as he frowned down at his food before angrily stabbing his fork in a stray bit of egg.

Youngjae found himself grinning as he watched BamBam furiously nod in agreement and Jackson started giggling at Yugyeom’s sweet outburst. They all really were on Youngjae’s side. Now there was only Jinyoung to worry about. He hoped for Mark’s sake that Jinyoung’s views would match up more with Yugyeom’s instead of Jaebum’s. The fact Mark hadn’t come back to their room last night was a pretty good sign.

“Thanks, Gyeommie. That means a lot.”

“Besides,” BamBam suddenly said, leaning across the table into Youngjae’s space. “You and Mark make a cute couple! No one, not even Jaebum, can deny that.” BamBam winked, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

“Excuse me?” Youngjae nearly screeched, causing everyone at the table to laugh at Youngjae’s expense. He and Mark? A couple? They had the completely wrong idea.

“No, no, no! You’ve got it all wrong-” Youngjae desperately tried to explain, embarrassed by the looks each of them was giving him.

“You don’t have to pretend anymore, Youngjae. It’s ok.” Jackson talked over Youngjae, draping a reassuring arm over his shoulder. “Don’t worry. Our lips are sealed. No one outside the family will know.” Jackson promised, practically jumping in his seat from excitement as he continued. “Of course, only on the condition, you tell us how you got together.” Jackson all but squealed, the other two boys also looking as invested in this nonsense.

“Who confessed?” Yugyeom asked, eyes bright and smile wide.

“No one did!” Youngjae snapped, prying himself from Jackson’s smothering hold.

“Youngjae, obviously.” BamBam snorted, pretending as if Youngjae hadn’t spoken, rolling his eyes at Yugyeom while Jackson nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, Mark is way too emotionally constipated! He wouldn’t have the guts to do it.” Jackson added as Yugyeom nodded deep in thought.

“But Youngjae-” Yugyeom began to counter, but Youngjae wasn’t going to let this ridiculousness continue on much longer.

“Enough! Neither of us confessed because we are not dating. Are you really assuming just because we’re the only two gay members that we have to date each other?” Youngjae demanded, staring all three of them down as they shared confused looks.

“But Jaebum said last night that he could hear you and Mark, uh, you know-” Jackson trailed off suggestively as Youngjae tried to remember what he was talking about. Jaebum had said so many things last night, most of which Youngjae wished he could forget.

“Fucking.” BamBam finished for Jackson, smirking in Youngjae’s direction while Yugyeom spluttered out into a fit of giggles, smacking BamBam beside him.

“What?!” Youngjae exclaimed, flushing bright red. No one had really taken that seriously, had they? Jaebum was clearly mistaken, but he supposed Mark hadn’t denied it either. Great. Now everyone thought they were up to all sorts in their room. “Mark and I are not doing that kind of thing in the dorm! Are you crazy?” Youngjae shuddered at the mere thought. He saw Mark as nothing more than a brother and vice versa.

“So, where do you?” Yugyeom snickered, earning himself a high five from BamBam while Jackson tried, and failed, to give Yugyeom a disapproving look.

“Oh my god! Nowhere!” Youngjae groaned in frustration. “Jaebum was obviously very confused and I know that Mark didn’t correct him but he probably just did that to piss off Jaebum, ok? That’s it. Please get your minds out of the gutter.”

“So there’s nothing going on between you two at all?” Jackson asked, still unconvinced.

“Nope. We both like other people.” Youngjae shrugged, smiling smugly now he’d finally gotten through to them. He only realised all too late how his words would get him stuck in another interrogation.

“Ohhhh! Tell us!” Jackson begged, tugging on Youngjae’s arm like a five-year-old asking for sweets.

“As if!” Youngjae scoffed, attempting to pull away from Jackson yet to no avail. “Knowing you three, the whole of Seoul would find out by-”

Youngjae was cut off by his phone ringing, the screen lighting up to show Mark’s name. He rushed to answer, his hands fumbling a little in his haste.

“Everything ok?” Youngjae asked immediately, not even waiting for the other to say something.

“Hello to you too.” Mark joked, chuckling down the line, easing some of the tension in Youngjae’s shoulders. If Mark was able to mess around and tease Youngjae then things couldn’t be that bad.

“Sorry. Hi.” Youngjae breathed out, somehow mustering an awkward laugh.

“No, it’s ok. Everything’s fine.” Mark reassured him. Youngjae could feel him hesitating on the other side of the phone before continuing. “Jinyoung and I have spoken to Jaebum.”

Youngjae tried to ignore how his heart ached painfully at the older boy’s name.

“How is he?” Youngjae asked tentatively, his stomach twisting as he waited for Mark to form a response.

“Better than yesterday.” Mark finally responded. Youngjae still felt uneasy. Better didn’t necessarily mean anything good. “You’ll see for yourself. Jaebum wants you all to come home now.” Mark sighed. He sounded tired. He wasn’t going to lie, the thought of seeing Jaebum again so soon didn’t sit well with Youngjae, but he couldn’t avoid Jaebum forever. He knew it was just a matter of time before they all had to talk about what had happened last night.

“Ok. We’re about ten minutes away so I’ll see you soon.” Youngjae muttered, gesturing to the others that they should pay.

“Also, Youngjae?” Mark said just as Youngjae was about to hang up. The younger boy hummed to let Mark know he’d heard him. “I think things are going to be ok.” Mark murmured gently, trying his best to reassure Youngjae.

“Ok.” Youngjae exhaled, unsure himself whether he believed Mark or not, but he wanted it to be true.

***

The first thing Youngjae noticed when he walked in was the two figures huddled up on the couch together. Youngjae grinned as he saw Jinyoung’s hand clutching onto Mark’s, their heads close as they spoke softly to one another. Jinyoung shot up when he saw the four of them in the living room doorway, instantly running over to Youngjae first to pull him into a tight hug.

“I’m so sorry, I should’ve noticed sooner-”

Youngjae shushed the older boy, hugging him back just as hard, almost crushing them together. Youngjae faintly registered Mark telling Jackson that Jaebum was currently in the shower as Jinyoung held onto Youngjae, telling the younger boy how much he loved him. Neither Jinyoung nor Youngjae were eager to pull away and soon enough the others joined them to make an impromptu group hug in the middle of the living room.

Youngjae hadn’t felt this loved in a long time and the warm feeling in his chest made him wish he’d told them all sooner. He’d almost forgotten why they’d all met up in the first place until he heard someone clearing their throat. Youngjae popped his head out from the mess of limbs, and his eyes drew him instantly to the boy standing awkwardly at the living room entrance.

Jaebum’s hair sat damp on his head, a small towel draped around his shoulders to catch any falling droplets. He was in one of his plain black t-shirts and ratty sweats. Objectively, Jaebum looked terrible. Sadly, Youngjae was anything but objective when it came to Jaebum.

Their eyes met for a second and Youngjae tried to read the emotions he saw there but Jaebum ducked his head down too quickly. Jaebum kept his head down like he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t have as Mark detached himself from the group and headed over to the other boy.

If Youngjae was surprised that Mark was the one to approach Jaebum rather than Jinyoung then he was downright shocked when Mark tugged the other boy into a hug. Jaebum seemed a bit taken aback by the gesture too but was quick to recover, wrapping his arms around Mark in return. Youngjae stared open-mouthed as the two, who had less than twenty-four hours ago been about to fight each other, now held one another close. Jinyoung was the only one unsurprised by the boys’ behaviour, smiling fondly over at Mark and Jaebum.

Youngjae watched closely in amazement as Mark pulled back slightly, arms still around Jaebum as he whispered something to the younger boy. Jaebum nodded at whatever Mark had said, letting go of the older boy’s waist and looking back up at the group.

“Jaebum has something he wants to say,” Mark suddenly announced, turning back to the others while keeping an arm thrown over Jaebum’s shoulder. “Please give him a chance to say everything he needs to before you interrupt. Now, let’s sit.” Mark finished, pointing to the couch. He led Jaebum over to stand in front of a chair in the centre of the room as the others took a seat, only letting go of the younger boy after whispering something else in his ear and firmly squeezing Jaebum’s shoulder.

There wasn’t any space for Mark on the couch as Youngjae was already squished in the middle between Jackson and Jinyoung while Yugyeom and BamBam took either arm of the couch. The oldest boy moved to sit on the floor but Jinyoung grabbed his wrist before he could, dragging Mark to sit in Jinyoung’s lap.

Despite how nervous Youngjae was to find out what Jaebum planned to say, he couldn’t help but grin at the obvious blush on Mark’s face as Jinyoung secured his arms around the older boy’s waist. Youngjae felt he could safely assume their talk last night had gone well if the shy smile Jinyoung sent Mark’s way before turning his attention back to Jaebum was anything to go by.

When Youngjae himself looked back at Jaebum he saw the older boy seated with his head bowed and hands clasped together. Youngjae noticed that the bandages he’d put on last night were gone and Youngjae found himself worrying that the cuts would get infected before reminding himself that it wasn’t his problem. Jaebum waited for them all to stop shuffling before he started.

“Ok, I want to first say I’m sorry. For everything. I know I let you all down and it wasn’t just last night either. I’m the leader. I’m supposed to represent you guys, lead by example and most importantly protect you. I did the opposite last night. I hurt you. All of you. Some more than others, and I’m so sorry for that.” Jaebum said, looking at each member individually as he spoke. Youngjae knew he was probably just being paranoid, but it seemed like Jaebum’s gaze lingered on him that bit longer than the rest. “It wasn’t just last night. I haven’t been acting like a leader should for months now. I’ve been keeping something from you guys, thinking I could handle it myself.” Jaebum exhaled heavily before continuing. “I have a condition called IED. I find it difficult to control my temper so I lash out like I did last night, except it can get much, much worse. I should’ve told you all sooner but I was ashamed of it. I thought I could keep it under control but clearly, I can’t.” Jaebum shook his head, his eyes trained back to his clasped hands in his lap. “So I’m going to get help and I think it’s the best thing for the group if I move out for a while.”

Youngjae sat there, shocked, unsure what to feel never mind what to say. The last thing he expected was for Jaebum to suggest that. Everyone else seemed equally as surprised, Mark leaning forward on Jinyoung’s lap while Jackson muttered something unintelligible under his breath.

“Wait, what? That’s not what we talked about, Jaebum.” Mark said, voice serious and arms crossed stubbornly.

“Yeah! I mean, seven or never, right?” Jackson pressed, leaning towards Jaebum who flinched at the reminder of the promise they’d all made years ago.

“I wouldn’t be leaving the group. I’d just be giving you all space while I figure myself out.” Jaebum explained measuredly, looking Jackson in the eye as he spoke. Youngjae could tell Jaebum was trying to not act offended by the mere suggestion he’d desert the group.

“Where would you go anyway?” BamBam asked confusedly, looking between all the members’ worried expressions.

“Home.” Jaebum simply shrugged. The shift in Mark and Jinyoung’s mood was palpable, both boys tensing beside Youngjae on the couch.

“No.” Jinyoung grit out, eyes boring into Jaebum. “No way. No, I’m not letting you go back to her.” The older boy all but spat, surprising Youngjae with how angry he sounded.

“I don’t want to hurt anyone again,” Jaebum muttered, staring back at Jinyoung with a determination that matched the other boys.

“Again?” Jackson questioned and Youngjae could feel himself visibly try to shrink back into the couch. He wished they didn’t have to do this now, or ever really. Youngjae glanced up, waiting for Jaebum to say something to change the subject but the older boy was just sitting there silently, staring at Youngjae. The look in Jaebum’s eyes made Youngjae’s breath catch in his throat. The older boy looked so broken, his eyes empty and soulless like there was no point to anything anymore. Youngjae could feel the weight of everyone else’s gaze on him but he couldn’t take his eyes off Jaebum.

“When Jaebum found out about me being gay he had an episode.” Youngjae started, voice weak and his heart heavy. “When he has them he blacks out and doesn’t know what he’s doing or realise his own strength. He lost it and pushed me up against the door and I hurt my back on the handle,” Youngjae explained like was telling a story that had nothing to do with him. Jaebum wasn’t looking at him anymore, his head turned to the side so Youngjae could only see his side profile. His jaw was clenched tight like he was trying to bite back words. “It wasn’t that bad. I made it worse by straining myself at practice so it’s partly my fault that I ended up in hospital.” Youngjae finished nonchalantly. After all, it was the truth. Jackson looked like he wanted to say something, his face twisted in disgust, but Jaebum beat him to it.

“I refuse to let you take any of the blame. It’s my fault, not yours.” Jaebum ground out, head snapping up to face Youngjae again, his eyes bright with barely contained rage. “This is why I should move out. I hurt people and I don’t even know unless they tell me. Youngjae kept it to himself for months. I only found out last night.” Jaebum ranted, his attention on Jinyoung and Mark now, as if what Youngjae had said proved his point. Maybe it was the lack of sleep Youngjae had gotten the previous night or maybe it was the fact that Jaebum was getting angry at Youngjae for protecting him all these months but out of nowhere Youngjae felt so mad.

“What good would telling you have done? You hate my guts! Why would you care if you hurt me?” Youngjae snapped, his outburst catching everyone off guard, Jaebum included, who deflated at Youngjae’s words.

“I don’t hate you.” Jaebum murmured, looking slightly pained at the mere idea but Youngjae wasn’t falling for it. He was sick of all this back and forth.

“Stop! Stop saying that! Why do you keep lying? Do you like confusing me?” Youngjae barked out, glaring at Jaebum who just sat there and took it. He didn’t fight back or try to defend himself which almost annoyed Youngjae more.

“Youngjae,” Mark interjected softly, placing a comforting hand on Youngjae’s shoulder. “I know this is a lot to take in but give him a chance. Trust me, you might be surprised by what he has to say.”

“I hate how I treated you. I regret it so much. I believed what I was doing was right back then but now-”

“What? Suddenly you’re completely fine with it? I’m not as stupid as you clearly think I am.” Youngjae hissed, glancing at Yugyeom who was biting his lip nervously as he looked between Youngjae and Jaebum.

“What? No! I don’t think you’re stupid. God, look,” Jaebum sighed, running a hand agitatedly through his hair. This obviously wasn’t how he had planned this whole thing to go down. “I don’t know what to think anymore but I know I don’t want to lose you, ok?” His sad eyes were pleading with Youngjae to understand but the younger boy had been hurt one too many times.

“You’re too late.” Youngjae scoffed, rolling his eyes dismissively as he stood up. He was done with this conversation. All he wanted to do was curl up on his bed and message Charlie. Jaebum’s face fell at Youngjae’s dismissive words but the younger boy didn’t get as much satisfaction out it as he had thought he would.

“Youngjae, sit down,” Mark ordered, putting out an arm to block Youngjae’s path.

“Really, Mark?” Youngjae asked in disbelief, looking down at Mark like the older boy had lost his mind. “After months of his homophobic bullshit, you really believe he’s changed overnight? Just like that? I don’t know what kind of game this is but I’m not playing it.” Youngjae shook his head furiously. He needed to get out of this room and get away from all the eyes trained on him. Youngjae vaguely registered Jaebum standing up in his peripheral vision, moving tentatively towards him.

“I’m being serious, Youngjae. Please. You don’t understand.” Jaebum begged, his voice verging on desperate. Youngjae couldn’t look at him, focussing instead on Mark’s shirt sleeve. He knew he’d give in if he did and he wouldn’t let himself do that. He deserved answers and he was determined to get them.

“Then make me.” Youngjae bit out, finally twisting to face Jaebum head-on, easily pushing away Mark’s arm. Jaebum was a lot closer than Youngjae had originally thought, making both of them jolt a little at the sudden proximity. Jaebum almost seemed lost for words, diverting his eyes immediately, anxiously playing with his hands.

“Can we do this somewhere else, like, uh, alone?” Jaebum cringed at his own question, rubbing his neck awkwardly.

“Do you really think I’m going anywhere alone with you?” Youngjae harshly asked, only slightly regretting how blunt he was when he saw Jaebum flinch. No, he shouldn’t feel guilty. Jaebum had said and done much worse less than 24 hours ago.

“Sorry,” Jaebum quietly mumbled, surprising Youngjae with how level-headed he was being. “You’re right, that was stupid of me. Mark, could you?” Jaebum grimaced, looking around Youngjae to the boy still seated on the couch. Mark barely missed a beat, jumping up with a smooth smile like Youngjae hadn’t just been yelling at Jaebum.

“No worries. My room?” Mark suggested casually like the three of them were going to watch a film in his room and not have whatever discussion needed to be had in private. Jaebum mutely nodded before quickly making his way to Youngjae and Mark’s shared room. The others all looked as confused and unsure as Youngjae felt, Jackson and Jinyoung exchanging tense glances like they were silently commenting on what was happening.

“We’ll be back,” Mark assured them with another calm smile. “Just give us a few minutes. C’mon, Jae.” Mark said, placing a gentle but firm hand on the small of Youngjae’s back, forcing him to follow after Jaebum down the hallway.

***

Jaebum’s head was a mess as he stood there in the middle of Mark and Youngjae’s room. He felt awkward and out of place, unsure what to do with himself. Jaebum only snapped himself out of his spiraling thoughts when he heard the door click closed. Mark was instantly by Jaebum’s side, wrapping a protective arm around his shoulders, standing on his tippy toes to do so.

“We don’t have to do this now. Just say the word and I’ll get you out of here.” Mark muttered into Jaebum’s ear, quiet enough that he knew Youngjae wouldn’t be able to hear.

Jaebum just shook his head in response and moved to sit down on Mark’s bed, dragging the older boy with him.  There was no point in putting this off. Even if the idea of telling the whole story again made Jaebum’s skin crawl. Maybe if Youngjae understood why Jaebum was the way he was then he’d be more open to remaining friends.

While Jaebum prepared his disarrayed thoughts, he saw Mark looking towards the door where Youngjae still hovered. Whatever Mark did worked because Youngjae was suddenly sitting opposite Jaebum on the other bed. The younger boy looked tired as he grabbed a pillow, hugging it to himself. It looked like he was waiting for Jaebum to speak first, but Jaebum’s tongue felt as heavy as lead. Mark no longer had an arm around Jaebum and he knew it was because Mark didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, but if Jaebum was being honest he missed the other boy’s warmth.

“Well?” Youngjae finally asked, clearly impatient at Jaebum’s prolonged silence. Jaebum cringed at the words while Mark shot Youngjae a warning look as if telling him to back off. Really, Jaebum didn’t deserve to be defended. Everything Youngjae had said out in the living room had been true. Jaebum knew he’d better start talking or Youngjae might just get up and leave. So, he told Youngjae everything he had told Mark and Jinyoung that morning, not leaving out a single detail.

This is the one thing Jaebum had never told Youngjae. Jaebum had told Youngjae plenty of things he’d kept from Jinyoung, deciding it should stay just between him and Youngjae. His mum and Changsun had been the one secret that was his and his alone, but Mark and Jinyoung knew it. Now Youngjae did too.

Jaebum couldn’t decide whether he felt exposed or relieved. One thing he was sure of was that having Mark there was a great idea. Jaebum didn’t think he could’ve continued his story through to the end without the older boy silently by his side. Every time Jaebum stumbled or stuttered over his words Mark nodded along, murmuring encouragement. Youngjae, on the other hand, barely reacted, his head hanging low for the majority of Jaebum’s story so the older boy couldn’t make out his facial expressions.

Jaebum stopped himself before he started talking about how Changsun reminded him of Youngjae and how much he missed Youngjae. After the younger boy’s words earlier, Jaebum knew Youngjae wouldn’t want to hear it so he just trailed off.

Jaebum almost wished he’d kept talking because once he stopped it all became too real and Youngjae wasn’t saying anything. Jaebum felt like he needed another shower, his skin crawling, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to. He was too tired, his brain starting to feel like mush. He’d done too much talking today and it was starting to catch up with him.

Jaebum shifted on the mattress, chancing a peek at the younger boy. Youngjae’s face was still hidden behind his bangs as he leaned forward on his knees, his head hanging low. Jaebum glanced at Mark sitting mutely beside him, the older boy frowning at Youngjae before meeting Jaebum’s gaze with a serene smile that was supposed to be comforting.

It wasn’t.

“Say something. Please.” Jaebum practically croaked, hating how dry his mouth was, a side effect of the alcohol from last night and the over-sharing. He knew he should let Youngjae speak to him when he was ready but Jaebum couldn’t just keep sitting there like that.

“What do you want me to say?” Youngjae asked, genuine curiosity in his voice as he looked up at Jaebum with glazed eyes. “That I’m sorry that happened to you? That I hate your mum for doing that to you? Because that’s all true, but you’re still the same guy who’s made my life a living hell these past few months. I can’t just pretend that didn’t happen. I can’t just forgive you like that.” Youngjae blurted out, his words coming out faster and his voice unsteady as he worked himself up.

Youngjae looked so conflicted like he was unsure whether to cry or yell. Seeing Youngjae like that made Jaebum wonder if he should have told him. It wasn’t fair dumping all of this baggage on Youngjae when Jaebum had already put him through so much bullshit.

“I don’t expect you to. All I’m asking for is a chance.” Jaebum all but exhaled, causing Youngjae to look his way. Jaebum wished he wouldn’t. The younger’s dark eyes made him feel small. He knew this would be hard; getting things back to normal, but he had to try. “I’m not going to let my mum or my past define me anymore. I’m going to decide for myself what I think and how I feel now. I’m not going to let someone else choose how I should think.” Jaebum nodded determinedly, hoping he sounded more confident than he felt. “You said it’s too late, and I know telling you all this probably won’t make a difference, but I think you at least deserved to know why I’m the worst.” Jaebum grimaced, trying not to squirm under Youngjae’s intense gaze as the other boy frowned at him.

“Hey, you’re not the worst.” Mark finally spoke up, patting Jaebum’s back and startling him a little. He’d almost forgotten the older boy was there. “Well, at least not anymore.” Mark joked, smiling encouragingly at Jaebum.

Before Jaebum could thank Mark or joke back, Youngjae cut in as if Mark hadn’t spoken at all.

“Why’d you never tell me?” Youngjae demanded, looking at Jaebum like the older had hurt him all over again. The question surprised Jaebum. He didn’t have an answer for Youngjae but the younger boy clearly didn’t expect one as he continued.  “We tell each other everything o-or we did, before you-” Youngjae stopped himself before he could say it but Jaebum knew what he meant. Before Jaebum pushed Youngjae away. Treated him worse than a stranger. “All those times you complained about your mum or going home I just thought it was the usual annoying parent stuff. If I’d known-”

“It wouldn’t have changed anything.” Jaebum interrupted Youngjae, his tone leaving no room for argument. There was no point in speculating or letting the others feel guilty about something completely out of their control.

“Of course it would’ve!” Youngjae snapped, some of his anger from early resurfacing. “You know you could’ve stayed with me and my family during our time off or, or with Jinyoung or any of us.” Youngjae spluttered out in exasperation. 

“It had all stopped by the time I met you anyway like I said. All she does now is yell, really.” Jaebum muttered, taken aback by Youngjae’s reaction. It wasn’t as big a deal as he was making it out to be. “I’m a grown man who’s about a foot taller than her. She can’t do much physical damage anymore.” Jaebum pointed out, worriedly watching as Youngjae started to look nauseous. “That’s why giving the group a break from me and having me stay at home is not an issue. I-”

“No. She’s not getting anywhere near you.” Youngjae spoke up before Mark could, surprising both boys into looking at Youngjae. The younger seemed unfazed by their stares, face set in irritation. “The only person you’re worried about being uncomfortable is me, right?” Youngjae questioned, barely allowing Jaebum to nod before swiftly moving on. “I’m completely fine. I’m telling you to stay. So, there’s no more to say, is there?”

Jaebum glanced at Mark who was eyeing Youngjae thoughtfully like he was trying to read the younger boy’s mind. Youngjae ignored him, keeping his gaze trained on Jaebum.

“Plus, how am I supposed to give you a chance to prove you’ve changed if you’re not here, huh?” Youngjae added, tone lighter this time as he awkwardly half-smiled at Jaebum.

“About that. I owe you an apology. Both of you.” Jaebum sighed, glancing sideways at a shocked Mark before turning back to face Youngjae properly. “Youngjae, I’m so sorry for every terrible thing I’ve said and done these past few months. I should never have laid a finger on you. There’s no excuse for it. I was wrong. I hurt you in so many ways and I regret it all so much. I know I’ll never be able to make it up to you or regain your trust but I’ll still try every day to make things right. Last night I was way out of line, and I know you don’t need it or even want it, but you both have my blessing. I hope you can make each other happy and I’ll do my best to support you by keeping it from the company and-”

“Why does everyone think we’re dating?” Youngjae groaned, cutting Jaebum’s prepared little speech short. Jaebum watched perplexed as the younger boy ran his hands irritably through his hair, tiredly rubbing his face while Mark shook with laughter beside Jaebum.

“W-wait, you’re not?” Jaebum clarified, confused by their reactions. The pair had been acting so much like a couple lately and they were both gay. Mark had basically announced last night to the whole group that he was doing all sorts with Youngjae in their room.

“No!” Youngjae stressed, glaring at Mark who wasn’t even trying to hide his laughter anymore.

“But Mark, last night he said- I don’t- you’re both gay, right?” Jaebum questioned as Youngjae’s face became progressively redder.

“Yeah, we are, but I was just messing with you.” Mark wheezed, grinning mischievously at an unimpressed Jaebum. “I’m glad you approve though.”

That made Jaebum feel guilty. There had been a part of Jaebum that sighed internally in relief when Youngjae had denied dating Mark. Jaebum tried his best to ignore it. If this was going to work he had to try harder to be better.

“I am dating someone, though,” Youngjae piped up then. Jaebum knew both Mark and Youngjae were watching him carefully to see his reaction. He kept his face blank as Youngjae explained. “Well, kind of. I don’t know. We haven’t put a label on it. It’s nothing too serious.”

Jaebum could see Youngjae was shy about it, playing down the relationship even though Jaebum knew from the small smile on the younger’s face that he really liked this person.

Jaebum’s head was a mess of thoughts. He felt annoyed but also slightly sad. It was this strange emotion he couldn’t quite understand in this context, looking at Youngjae smile like that. A week ago he would’ve pinned his reaction down to the fact Youngjae was probably talking about a boy and that was wrong but now. Well, now Jaebum wondered if he was more so jealous of Youngjae.

Jaebum knew he had never looked like that talking about his high school girlfriends; they’d always been more for the sake of fitting in. He couldn’t think about that now. It didn’t matter whether he liked or disliked Youngjae dating someone. If he wanted to keep Youngjae in his life, Jaebum knew he’d have to get over whatever it was that made him uncomfortable.

“The intern?” Jaebum asked, looking for something to say as Mark and Youngjae were starting to look worried by his silence. That wasn’t the right thing to say apparently as Youngjae immediately sobered up, sitting up straighter on the bed.

“His name is Charlie. And yes, I was talking about him. Why? Will that be a problem?” Youngjae demanded, scrutinising Jaebum with his eyes like he expected a fight.

“If he makes you happy then I’m happy.” Jaebum shrugged, grinning despite himself at how Youngjae tried to hide how surprised he was by Jaebum’s answer. Once he’d recovered himself, Youngjae nodded slightly, distracted before excusing himself.

Jaebum wanted to ask him to stay, but he wasn’t going to push Youngjae for too much too soon. Instead, Jaebum settled for watching the other’s retreating back walk away until Youngjae disappeared behind the door. Mark pulled Jaebum from his thoughts with a friendly arm slung over his shoulders, the older boy unfazed by how Jaebum stiffened momentarily.

“You did great. I’m proud of you.” Mark murmured as Jaebum relaxed in his hold, the exhaustion catching up with him again.

“He’ll always hate me, won’t he?” Jaebum asked, unable to keep the bitterness from his voice as he pulled on a loose thread in his sweats. There was a beat of silence that was answer enough.

“Baby steps.” Mark finally muttered, squeezing Jaebum tight.

Chapter Text

Youngjae wasn’t intentionally avoiding Jaebum. It just kind of happened. Everyone was so busy meeting up with friends and family during their time off, it wasn’t just Youngjae.

Jaebum had started therapy and it seemed to really take a toll on the older boy. Whenever he came home from a session he went straight to his room and slept. Mark, Jackson, and Jinyoung all took it in turns to drive Jaebum up and back in spite of the leader’s assurances that he could drive himself. So yeah, every Monday, when Jaebum went to see his counsellor, was pretty much a no-go, and the other six days of the week consisted of Youngjae trying to not land himself in a room alone with Jaebum. He knew it was cowardly of him, but he was afraid to spend time with Jaebum. The older had claimed he wasn’t going to treat being gay like a defect that needed fixing and if Youngjae was being fair, he had to acknowledge that Jaebum and Mark were arguably closer than they ever were before and that was with Jaebum knowing about Mark’s sexuality.

Still, Youngjae didn’t know how to approach Jaebum anymore. How was he supposed to start a conversation? So much history clung to them like unrelenting dust. It made it hard to just simply talk about stupid stuff like old times, but that didn’t stop Jaebum from trying. The few times Youngjae did see Jaebum when they all would eat together as a group the older boy always made sure to sit beside or across from Youngjae. He’d try to focus on his food but it was difficult when he could feel Jaebum staring at him. If Jaebum was beside him he’d eventually lean over and try talking to Youngjae. It was never anything major, generally, he just asked how Youngjae’s day had been and if he had plans for the rest of the week. Youngjae brushed off his attempts with short answers of “fine” and “I’m busy all week”. This never seemed to deter Jaebum who’d always smile at whatever Youngjae had said, like getting the younger boy to respond was a triumph in and of itself.

Youngjae knew Jaebum was trying. No one said anything but they all noticed the sudden reappearance of a swear jar in the kitchen. Mark told Youngjae one night before they went to bed that he had gone out with Jaebum earlier that day to help pick one Jinyoung would like. Youngjae had hummed in response, swerving the conversation swiftly away from Jaebum in his next breath. Everything had been going smoothly. Youngjae was familiar enough with Jaebum’s schedule to be able to avoid any chance encounters, that was until one morning when fate decided to mess with Youngjae. He was normally the last to wake up, sometimes Mark would even have to shake him awake before Youngjae would get out of bed. Youngjae blamed Mark for his getting up so early that morning because the older boy’s bed was empty. Youngjae had assumed everyone else was already up and didn’t think to check what time it was. It wasn’t like he had anywhere to be that day. So, he stumbled into the kitchen still in his pyjamas, his hair no doubt sticking up in all sorts of directions and his eyes half shut.

“Mornin’,” Jaebum’s familiar voice had Youngjae jumping out of his skin, his eyes flying open as he clutched at his chest. The younger’s heart was still racing as he looked across the small kitchen to see Jaebum leaning casually against the countertop, his mouth twitching in barely concealed amusement.

“You almost gave me a heart attack! Where is everybody else?” Youngjae grumbled sleepily.

“Still sleeping. But Jinyoung should be up soon.” Jaebum assured him, checking the watch on his wrist.

There was a part of Youngjae that was tempted to slink back to bed and hide under his covers rather than face Jaebum but he wasn’t ready to stoop that low yet. It would just make things more awkward than they needed to be. So, with a deep sigh, Youngjae started trudging over to the cupboards in search of a mug.

“Hey, sit down. I’ll make you some coffee.” Jaebum suggested, smiling far too brightly for how early it was.

“Are you sure?” Youngjae questioned, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. 

“Yeah, of course, sit.” Jaebum nodded enthusiastically, gesturing at their kitchen table.

“Thanks. No milk and-”

“Two sugars?” Jaebum interrupted, causing Youngjae to falter as he pulled out a chair to sit on. “I remember.” Jaebum grinned proudly, looking over his shoulder at Youngjae before turning back to get the sugar bowl.

Youngjae knew it was petty of him but he half considered telling Jaebum he was wrong even though the older boy had gotten it right. Instead, Youngjae kept quiet, pretending to be unfazed while Jaebum hummed to himself. Jaebum knew how Youngjae took his coffee. So what? It wasn’t a big deal. Youngjae knew how all the members liked their coffee.

“Careful, it’s hot,” Jaebum warned, placing a steamy mug in front of a still sleepy Youngjae. He couldn’t help but perk up at the prospect of caffeine, even if it was from Jaebum. Youngjae wrapped his cold hands around the mug, staring down at its dark contents and ignoring Jaebum’s eyes on him as the older boy moved to sit opposite him. A rattling sound caught Youngjae’s attention, naturally making him look up.

“What was that sound?” Youngjae asked, curiosity getting the better of him. Jaebum looked taken off guard and slightly embarrassed as he settled in his seat.

“Um, these,” Jaebum mumbled avoiding Youngjae’s gaze as he pulled a pill bottle out of his hoody pocket. “I take them for my I.E.D. now.”

An awkward silence fell over the pair and Youngjae wanted to slap himself for being so stupid.

“Sorry. I’ll put them away if they make you uncomfortable.” Jaebum rushed, grabbing the bottle quickly and shoving it back into his pocket. He seemed genuinely worried that he’d upset Youngjae as he kept his head down and it twisted something inside Youngjae.

“No, that’s not it at all Jaebum. I’m the one who should be sorry. I didn’t mean to be so insensitive, I was just surprised. You’ve never liked taking stuff for it before.” Youngjae tried to explain himself. He knew it sounded like he was making excuses but he was genuinely shocked that Jaebum was so on board with all of this.

“I know. I didn’t want to at first but I don’t have much choice. Eun-Chae says I have to, for now at least.” Jaebum shrugged, playing with the strings on his hoody. “I think they might be helping a bit. I don’t know, they’re not like the other meds that “doctor” gave me. I still feel like myself. I don’t feel numb.” Both Youngjae and Jaebum grimaced at that, remembering what it had been like all those years ago for the older boy.

“Eun-chae?” Youngjae asked, diverting the topic away from the past.

“Oh, she’s my therapist. Sorry, I should’ve explained-” Jaebum rushed to apologize. It seemed like that’s all he wanted to do these days; apologize.

“Oh, no, it’s fine. I was just wondering.” Youngjae assured him with a smile. “Is she nice?”

“Yeah, she’s great.” Jaebum nodded, relaxing a bit in his chair for the first time since sitting down. “It’s just she always wants to talk about the hard stuff and I know we have to get to that but it’s just so exhausting. I never knew talking could be so tiring.”  

“But you think it’s working?”

“Yeah. I hope it is anyway. I still have a long way to go and I’ll probably have to be on meds for the rest of my life, but I’m better off than I was before, right?” Jaebum sighed, sipping from his own mug.

“Yeah, and you have all of us to help you through it,” Youngjae added and he meant it. He regretted avoiding Jaebum for the past few weeks now that they were actually talking. Sure, it wasn’t like old times, but neither of them was the same as they were months ago.

“Thanks. Sorry, this isn’t a particularly fun topic to talk about first thing in the morning, is it?” Jaebum nervously laughed, shifting to sit up straighter in his chair. “Let’s talk about something else. How are you and Charlie doing?” He suddenly asked, causing Youngjae to choke on his coffee. Jaebum looked horrified as Youngjae spluttered, feeling the bitter coffee go down the wrong way. The older started to get up as if he planned to move and help him but Youngjae just waved him away as he regulated his breathing once again. Youngjae waited until his eyes were no longer burning before he decided to respond to the older boy.

“Jaebum, we don’t have to talk about this. I know it makes you uncomfortable so-”

“That’s even more reason to talk about it.” Jaebum cut across, leaning forward across the table in his eagerness. “I shouldn’t feel like that just because you’re dating another guy. I need to get over it and the only way to do so is to talk about it so it can be normalised for me.” Jaebum explained like he was reading from a how-to guide on gender and sexuality.

“Did Eun-Chae tell you to say that?” Youngjae teased, unable to keep a straight face despite the subject matter.

“What? I can’t be smart sometimes?” Jaebum gasped, playing along and pretending to be offended by Youngjae’s question. “Ok, look, I may be repeating what she said but she didn’t tell me to. She just suggested I talk to you about Charlie and it makes sense because if this was a girl you were dating you’d tell me about her, right? So tell me about him.” Jaebum concluded his little speech with a small nod, his head resting in one of his hands as he waited patiently for Youngjae to say something.

“You talk about me in your therapy sessions?” Youngjae blurted out, catching himself and Jaebum off guard.

“Of course. Don’t try change the subject.” Jaebum scolded lightly, shaking his head at the younger boy. Youngjae didn’t fail to notice how Jaebum didn’t deny it or how his face had gone slightly pink. “Tell me about this boy you like so much.” Jaebum pressed his full attention on Youngjae.

“Well,” Youngjae cleared his throat. “What do you want to know?” He hoped this would buy him some time. Jaebum may be down to talk about Charlie but Youngjae certainly never anticipated this. He’d really rather do anything else other than talk about his current kind-of-boyfriend with a guy he used to be in love with. Said guy was staring off into space deep in thought before he looked sheepishly back at Youngjae.

“Don’t get mad,” Jaebum started and Youngjae braced himself for the worst. “cuz I don’t mean this in a bad way, but why do you like him? Like, what is it about him specifically that you like?” Jaebum asked with no hint of malice in his voice, just genuine curiosity. Youngjae didn’t know what to say. He’d never really thought about it before. Do people normally make lists of these kinds of things?

“Um, I don’t know. Lots of things I guess. He’s very kind and sweet. He came to visit me nearly every day in the hospital at that time.” Jaebum, who had been nodding along thoughtfully now looked about to apologize again so Youngjae swiftly moved on before he could. “He’s funny too and he makes me smile with silly messages and stuff.”

“So, you guys are official now?” Jaebum asked, cocking his head to the side.

“No, we’re not, like, boyfriends or whatever.” Youngjae tried to sound like it was no big deal even though Charlie had made it clear that’s what he wanted for their relationship. “We’ve only gone on a few dates since we’re both so busy but we text every day so that’s good. I don’t know, I just don’t think I’m ready for that yet.” Youngjae mumbled, looking down at his nearly empty mug now. He was unsure why he was telling Jaebum all this. He hadn’t even said it to Mark yet.

“Is it because of that other guy?” Jaebum suddenly asked, causing Youngjae to snap his head up in confusion. Jaebum looked away sheepishly, unable to maintain eye contact as he explained himself. “The, um, the one you wrote ‘Sick’ about?” Jaebum asked, visibly cringing while Youngjae felt himself stiffen. “Pretty much the only thing I remember from that fight was the fact you said you wrote that song about a guy.” Jaebum grimaced with a forced, awkward chuckle as Youngjae started to think of ways he could escape. “It couldn’t have been Charlie cuz you only met him after you’d written the song a few weeks later so you liked someone before him, right? And I don’t know I just thought maybe you still liked him and that’s the reason you-”

“I’m not talking about this with you. We can talk about Charlie all you want but that other stuff is off limits.” Youngjae seethed, praying that the shakiness in his voice came across as anger rather than panic.

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry, just forget I said anything. I didn’t mean to upset you, it’s none of my business.” Jaebum rushed to apologize nearly tripping over his own words as he leaned across the table. Youngjae was slightly taken aback by how genuinely afraid Jaebum seemed at the prospect of offending the younger boy.

“You’re right. Let’s just forget it, hm?” Youngjae stopped the older boy’s ramblings with a curt smile that he hoped didn’t look as fake as it felt. Jaebum eagerly nodded at this, his shoulders tense and eyes still brimming with anxiety as he shuffled in his chair. It didn’t seem like Jaebum felt he could break the silence that fell over them so Youngjae took it upon himself to keep the conversation.

“Where’s Mark?” Youngjae questioned, making the older boy jump slightly in his seat. Jaebum played it off like he was just repositioning himself on the chair and Youngjae hated how endearing the action was. “He wasn’t in our room when I woke up.” Youngjae clarified, stirring his luke-warm coffee to occupy his hands.

“Oh. I think he slept in Jinyoung’s room,” Jaebum looked relieved at the change in subject, perking up immediately. “They said they were going to watch a film last night so he probably just crashed there afterward.” Jaebum shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal; Jinyoung sharing a bed with Mark even though he knew Mark liked guys. Youngjae still wasn’t used to this “accepting” Jaebum. All he could form in response to this new information was a non-committal hum as Jaebum’s eyes seemed to scan the kitchen for another topic of conversation.  

“Oh, speak of the devil!” Jaebum perked up, looking over Youngjae’s head with a grin. Youngjae twisted round in his seat, expecting just to see Mark by himself but was pleasantly surprised to find the older boy wasn’t alone. There was a very sleepy Jinyoung with his eyes still closed attached to Mark’s back, both of his arms wrapped tight around Mark’s shoulders.

They looked cute walking like that, Mark doing most of the work making sure they both didn’t stumble and fall. The older boy’s face was bright red as he tried to pry a drowsy Jinyoung off of him once he spotted Youngjae and Jaebum sitting there. The younger boy was relentless, gripping tighter and whining into Mark’s back.

“Markie…” Jinyoung murmured sulkily, his voice deep with sleep. Mark stopped just at the threshold of the kitchen, his face turning impossibly redder and his struggling becoming more pronounced.

“I told you not to call me that.” Mark groaned, looking to Youngjae and Jaebum, pleading with his eyes for them to help. Youngjae just smirked in response, shrugging like it was nothing to do with him while Jaebum looked surprised and confused.

“You let Youngjae call you that, Markie.” Jinyoung groused, his voice muffled by Mark’s pyjama top, the owner of which rolled his eyes like Jinyoung was a petulant child.  

“Yeah, cuz it’s cute when he does it.” Mark quipped, attempting to walk towards their coffee machine with Jinyoung dragging his feet on the ground. At the older boy’s words, Jinyoung dug his heels against the tiles, keeping the pair rooted in the spot while Jaebum snickered quietly to himself.

“What? Am I not cute?” Jinyoung pouted, propping his head on Mark’s shoulder. Youngjae’s heart bled for Mark as the older boy turned to face Jinyoung only to back away once he realised how close their faces were. Jinyoung was so oblivious to the effect he had on Mark that it was almost funny.

“Nah, I’m definitely cuter.” Youngjae piped up then, saving Mark from having to answer. The realisation that he and Mark were not alone seemed to be enough to wake up Jinyoung properly. Jinyoung’s eyes shot open in surprise, his own cheeks going a light shade of pink as he dropped his arms to his side.

“Oh, I didn’t know you guys were up already. That’s good, great, now we only have to get the other three up and we can have breakfast together, uh, I’ll start making something. What do you want? Hmm?” Jinyoung ranted, his head ducked as he bent over to get something from a cupboard under the sink before thinking better of it and searching the shelves above his head.

Mark didn’t pay attention to Jinyoung’s weird reaction. Youngjae could tell he was too caught up in the relief of being let go. He ignored Jinyoung’s ramblings as he sat beside Jaebum, looking across the table to Youngjae.

“Thank you.” Mark mouthed gratefully, locking eyes with Youngjae before turning to Jaebum who was staring intently at Jinyoung’s back.

It seemed that Youngjae wasn’t the only one who thought Jinyoung had been acting weird. They were all used to skinship with one another, Jackson couldn’t go a few hours with wrapping himself around one of the members, but Jinyoung shouldn’t be acting so embarrassed. They’d all done a lot worse on and off camera.

Youngjae watched Jinyoung prepare the rice for whatever they were having for breakfast, his normally steady hands unsure and clumsy. Youngjae didn’t miss the little glances Jinyoung sent Mark’s way when he thought no one was looking; Jaebum and Mark distractedly talking about some new producing equipment JYP had gotten them. Youngjae didn’t want to get his hopes up, but if the fond smile on Jinyoung’s face was anything to go by then maybe, just maybe, Mark’s feelings weren’t one-sided, but Youngjae knew better than to indulge himself or Mark with such ideas and so he quickly dispelled those thoughts.

***

It wasn’t until a few days later that Youngjae found himself alone with Jaebum again. Youngjae had been out with Charlie taking Coco on a late night walk. It was the only free time they’d found to fit the other in.

It had been nice. No one else was out that late to see them, not that anyone would’ve thought much of it; just two friends walking with a dog. Youngjae made sure to keep his space, pulling his hand away when Charlie tried to hold it. Youngjae tried to explain that fans and paparazzi were always close by even as they walked through an empty park, Youngjae wearing a bucket hat and face mask that made him unrecognisable. Charlie was disappointed but claimed he understood and changed the subject quickly.

Youngjae had felt guilty but the feeling soon faded as Charlie distracted him with funny stories from his high school years. Even Charlie seemed to forget about the awkward moment, insisting he walk Youngjae all the up to their front door. There he lingered with Youngjae until he felt brave enough to ask the question he did every time they met up like this.

“C-can I kiss you?” Charlie’s eyes were hopeful and, this time, Youngjae almost said yes. But something was holding him back, keeping his lips sealed shut and stopping his head from nodding.

Youngjae thought about telling Charlie. He had only truly discovered this ‘something’ for himself recently. Now, standing outside his dorm’s door, he knew it wasn’t the time to explain himself. So, Youngjae offered his cheek instead, trying to ignore the way Charlie’s face fell a little. The other boy still leaned in and lightly pressed a chaste kiss against Youngjae’s cheek.

Youngjae wished he had felt the spark they so often write about in their songs. Instead, it felt oddly platonic despite the fact it was lips against skin. Disappointed at his own lack of response, Youngjae lamely waved at Charlie’s back heading down the stairs before turning back to Coco who was getting increasingly agitated.

Youngjae hadn’t thought anyone would be up at this time so he was surprised, to say the least when he saw Jaebum on the couch, laptop open and headphones on. The second Jaebum saw Youngjae he rushed to close his laptop, hiding whatever had been on the screen.

“What are you doing up?” They demanded at the same time, Coco yapping over them as she struggled against her lead.

“Isn’t it obvious? I was out walking Coco.” Youngjae answered, bending over to release Coco. He watched as she tirelessly ran in a circle three times before making a beeline for the kitchen, no doubt in search of her water bowl.  

“Alone? It’s too late to be walking around by your-” Jaebum started to lecture, concern etched into his features.

“I was with Charlie,” Youngjae assured him, carefully watching Jaebum’s expression as he moved to sit with him on the couch. Jaebum’s features slackened for a second before brightening up instantly with a wide smile.

“Oh, cool. How’d it go?” Jaebum eagerly asked, turning to face Youngjae as he sat beside Jaebum. Youngjae kept himself from rolling his eyes. As if Jaebum actually cared.

“Fine. Now stop distracting me,” Youngjae jokingly rebuked, nodding down to the half-closed laptop. “Come on. Spill.” Youngjae prompted, grinning as Jaebum’s ears reddened, the older boy’s eyes trained on the laptop.

“Ugh, it’s embarrassing and kind of creepy,” Jaebum groaned, fidgeting in his seat. “Basically, Eun-Chae was saying I should try reaching out to Changsun. You know, like, make amends with everyone I’ve hurt. It’s supposed to help with the healing process.” Jaebum explained tiredly, making a face at the last part. “The thing is, I don’t have his number or anything so I searched online and, uh, I found his Facebook.” Jaebum rushed, looking slightly ashamed like he’d done something wrong.

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Youngjae asked, confused by Jaebum’s reaction.

“I basically stalked him! This has to be some sort of invasion of privacy, like, I can see what he had for breakfast yesterday!” Jaebum exclaimed, looking as scandalised as if he’d come across Changsun’s bank details. “This is why I don’t use social media,” Jaebum grumbled disapprovingly. Youngjae couldn’t stop himself from laughing out loud at the other boy’s serious frown. 

“What?” Jaebum asked, staring at Youngjae in amazement, a smile slowly tugging at his own mouth.

“You’re such an old man. Everyone stalks each other on social media. It’s normal. I suppose you wouldn’t know since you still live in the middle ages.” Youngjae spluttered out between bouts of laughter. He expected Jaebum to hit him back with some snippy comment about respecting his elders but the other boy remained silent. Jaebum was just sitting there smiling at him and Youngjae feared for a second the other boy had finally lost his mind.

“What? Grandpa doesn’t have a comeback?” Youngjae goaded, still lightly giggling.

“I’m just happy I made you laugh again,” Jaebum answered sincerely, his eyes as soft as his smile. The younger boy faltered momentarily before managing to regain his composure. What was he supposed to say to that? Youngjae’s heart was racing and he could feel his face starting to heat up under his face mask which hopefully hid it from Jaebum. 

“Stop being cheesy and show me what Changsun had for breakfast already.” Youngjae huffed, shoving Jaebum’s hand away from the laptop and opening it up again.

They spent the next half an hour going through Changsun’s profile, Jaebum pointing out he’d changed over the years. Jaebum pointed out how the other boy’s hair had never been this long, or how he’d always hated the colour green so then why is he wearing that ugly sweater? Eventually, they stumbled upon a photo with the caption: Out of all of the choices I’ve made, you’re the best one <3 Happy 2^nd Anniversary xx.

In the photo, Changsun had his arms wrapped around a guy’s shoulders, eyes closed as he pressed a kiss to the guy’s cheek. It didn’t take a genius to put two and two together and Youngjae paused on the photo, waiting for a reaction from Jaebum. The whole post screamed love and devotion. Youngjae himself could barely take his eyes off it, a yearning hollowing out his chest. When he did glance Jaebum’s way, the older was staring, lips parted and eyes glassy. He didn’t look away from the screen as he spoke.

“They look so happy,” Jaebum whispered, his voice breaking on the last word. The sound seemed to snap him out of his trance as Jaebum cleared his throat, moving the laptop from his lap to Youngjae’s.

“This was a bad idea. Eun-Chae was wrong. He’s happy. I should just leave him alone. I’ll make him sad like I do with everyone else.” Jaebum quietly ranted, getting himself more worked up with each word.

“Hey, hey, stop.” Youngjae murmured, placing the laptop safely on the couch before twisting to face Jaebum. “First of all, you don’t make everyone sad.” Jaebum made a face at this like Youngjae was being ridiculous. “You don’t! You make so many people around the world happy, including all of us, so just stop with that.” Youngjae pressed and while Jaebum didn’t look as sad as before he still seemed unconvinced. “Secondly, you never know how Changsun is going to respond to you reaching out to him but I still think it’s worth a try. Maybe he’s been trying to contact you this whole time but couldn’t find you because you’re an old man who doesn’t understand how the internet works.” Youngjae joked, pulling a weak watered down smile from Jaebum. The older boy’s eyes drifted from Youngjae’s to the laptop behind him. He eyed it nervously as if it was Changsun himself sitting there.

“What do I even write to him?” Jaebum finally asked, exhaling heavily like he’d been holding his breath.  

“Don’t worry. I’ll help you.” Youngjae assured him, reaching back for the laptop and placing it on his lap so they could both see. He ignored the stunned looks Jaebum was giving him as he tried to thank Youngjae over and over.

“It’s not a big deal.” Youngjae waved him off, flexing his fingers a little before starting to type. Ten minutes later they had, between the two of them, written an essay of sorts to Changsun explaining as best as they could through text. It was only after reading through it three times that Jaebum felt like they could send it, but he refused to press the send button.

“You do it. Please, I can’t.” Jaebum pleaded, looking up at Youngjae from his slouched position on the couch. His eyes were big and nervous. Youngjae hated how his breath caught a little looking down at Jaebum like this. Why couldn’t he just feel this way looking into Charlie’s eyes?

“Give me your hand,” Youngjae suggested, holding out his right hand and silently praying Jaebum didn’t push him away. Youngjae tried his best to mask his surprise when Jaebum barely hesitated before taking Youngjae’s right hand in his own. It was a little awkward but with some fumbling, and lots of concentration, Youngjae managed to move Jaebum’s hand over the mousepad. With Youngjae’s hand covering Jaebum’s, the younger boy pressed down on the mousepad, sending their message off to wherever Changsun was. As soon as the mousepad made a clicking sound Youngjae drew back his hand, focussing on the screen that read ‘delivered’ rather than look at Jaebum’s bewildered face.

“See? You could do it. You just needed a little help.” Youngjae explained, shrugging as his fingers slightly twitched where they rested on his lap. Jaebum was silent and Youngjae didn’t want to look down at the other boy and see that disgust he had become so used to. When Youngjae couldn’t stand the silence anymore and chanced a glance, what he saw was worse than repulsion. Jaebum was smiling up at him in that way that made everything all that more confusing. He looked like Youngjae’s old Jaebum. His smile was wide enough that Youngjae could see all his teeth and his eyes were almost closed shut. Something in Youngjae’s chest constricted at the sight. He’d claim later that it was gas and not his heart aching that made it hard to speak.

“What?” Youngjae finally mustered the ability to say.

“Now who’s being cheesy?” Jaebum grinned, a teasing glint in his eyes as he raised an eyebrow.

“Still you.” Youngjae snipped back, but he was smiling too. He could feel Jaebum chuckle beside him in response and it all felt so familiar.

Youngjae felt good for the first time in a long time.

Chapter Text

Jinyoung sat there staring blankly at his computer screen. It had been nearly a week since they’d all been asked to start writing again and he had nothing so far. Well, nothing that they could use. Jinyoung had been specifically told to try write an upbeat romantic song. One of their producers had suggested that he think about someone who made him happy to help him out.

Jinyoung hated how Mark was the first person he thought of. The company wanted songs about slim waists and long silky hair and they certainly didn’t want a song about the broad shoulders and boyish grin that plagued Jinyoung’s mind. It was embarrassing how hard Jinyoung had tried, and failed, to stop thinking about that morning all those weeks ago when he’d almost kissed Mark.

He had done his best to busy himself with practice and meeting up with friends outside of the group but the memory of Mark that close was always in the back of his mind. Maybe it was his own fault for not trying harder to distance himself from Mark but Jinyoung didn’t see the point in avoiding the older boy; it wasn’t like it was Mark’s fault that Jinyoung was having these thoughts. Besides, staying away from Mark always proved to be nearly impossible for Jinyoung. Unwarranted images of the morning he had back-hugged Mark all the way into the kitchen with Youngjae and Jaebum as witnesses flashed in Jinyoung’s mind.

Jinyoung was cosy. With his warmest winter pyjama’s on, his favourite book in his hands and tucked under the sheets of his bed he had no plans to move in the near future. He had just opened the book where he had last left off when a light knock came from the door.

“Gyeomie, I already told you that I don’t know where Bam hid your phone, and no, I’m not helping you look.” Jinyoung droned uninterestedly, readjusting his glasses and scanning the page in front of him. The door started opening and Jinyoung sighed, annoyed and expecting the giant baby-man that was Yugyeom to pop his head around his door. To say Jinyoung was more than pleased to discover it was in fact Mark behind his door was an understatement.

“I saw Bam put it in the laundry basket but he’s sworn me to secrecy so you didn’t hear that from me.” Mark conspiratorially whispered with a playful grin as he made his way across the room. “Can I chill in here while they fight it out?” Mark asked, plopping down beside Jinyoung on his bed before the younger could respond. Jinyoung’s bed really wasn’t meant for two people so it was a tight squeeze with Mark laying on his side, head propped up by his hand. “Thanks.” Mark smiled wide, stretching his legs out across the bed so they rested on Jinyoung’s over the covers.

“I never said you could stay.” Jinyoung pointed out, raising an eyebrow at how easily Mark was making himself at home. The older boy waved him off like Jinyoung was being silly and moved closer until his head was resting on Jinyoung’s shoulder.

“Watcha readin’?” Mark asked instead, tapping the open page of Jinyoung’s book.

“A book.” Jinyoung quipped, face straight and deadpan, glancing down to see Mark silently shake his head before staring back at Jinyoung in fake disbelief.

“Oh, really? I never would’ve guessed.” Mark joked mockingly, eyes wide and voice thick with sarcasm. Jinyoung’s composure almost cracked at that, a smile tugging at his lips. The older boy made a point of rolling his eyes before going on to ask Jinyoung another question. “Is it any good?”

Mark’s question was genuine, the interest in his eyes not feigned out of politeness. Jinyoung was taken aback. The younger boy knew his love for reading was considered nerdy by pretty much everyone. He had accepted long ago that it wasn’t exactly the coolest thing to talk about on variety shows when there were guys who could b-boy or do martial arts in the group, so he didn’t talk about it, but here Mark was, shocking Jinyoung like he did all too often nowadays with just how much he cared. Jinyoung hated the fluttering of his heart and the shy smile that he was undoubtedly sporting.  

“Uh, yeah. It’s actually one of my favourites.” Jinyoung tried to sound nonchalant as he focused his gaze on the open book once more. He could feel Mark’s eyes on the side of his face as he fidgeted with his bookmark.

“Would you read a bit of it to me?” Mark asked softly, almost hopeful. It was worrying how quickly Jinyoung snapped his head down towards the older boy.

“Out loud?” Jinyoung demanded incredulously. Mark’s face split into that signature smile of his, his eyes scrunched up as he practically bared his teeth. Jinyoung had to look away.

“How else would I hear it?” Mark teased, suppressing the giggles clear in his voice. “Please, Jinyoungie? For me?” Mark pleaded lowly, the older boy’s tone suddenly serious. Jinyoung gulped, his stupid brain short circuiting on him all over again. 

“Fine.” Jinyoung managed to squeak out, clearing his throat while Mark happily snuggled further into his shoulder. Once the older boy had settled himself comfortably Jinyoung started reading from the beginning.

It started out shaky, Jinyoung’s face no doubt bright red from the weight of Mark’s steady gaze as he smiled up at him. Jinyoung focussed as best as he could on the words, reading until his voice felt hoarse. He stopped when he reached the end of that chapter, glancing to the side to see Mark fast asleep, his hair gently tickling Jinyoung’s neck.

Jinyoung knew he should probably wake the older boy up so Mark could head back to his own bed. Yes, Jinyoung knew this, but then he remembered how nice it had been to wake up beside Mark the last time. It had felt so different from all those times Jinyoung and Jaebum had slept beside each other pre-debut when there hadn’t been enough beds. There was something intimate about the way Mark had held Jinyoung, as if Jinyoung was precious. It was selfish of him but Jinyoung wanted to feel that again.

So, as gently as he could, Jinyoung moved Mark’s head from his shoulder to the pillow. The older boy didn’t even wake up when Jinyoung got up to turn off the light, accidentally bumping into the bedside table on his way back into bed. The next morning they ended up just as tangled as before, this time with Jinyoung’s arms wrapped around Mark, holding him securely against his chest.

Again, Jinyoung was the first one to wake up but he didn’t mind. Neither of them had anywhere to be as far as he knew and Jinyoung would have gladly stayed cuddled up with Mark all day. In the safe bubble that was his room Jinyoung didn’t have to worry about what all this meant. He didn’t have to ask himself why having Mark beside him made it easier to sleep or think about the fact that the person beside him was a boy and the implications of it all.

Once he got up, once he pulled away from Mark, Jinyoung knew he’d have to think about all of it. He didn’t want to face that yet. Not when Mark was so warm and squishy, his breathing steady and comforting. Staying there like that didn’t seem like such a bad plan.

Jinyoung’s fatal mistake was impulsively pressing closer to Mark, tightening his hold on the older boy’s waist and burying his face in Mark’s hair. Jinyoung felt, rather than heard, Mark cutely groan awake, the sound reverberating against Jinyoung’s chest making him smile into the baby hairs at the back of Mark’s neck. The older boy froze for a second before recognising where he was and relaxing back into Jinyoung. He thought Mark was just going to try fall back asleep but no, the older boy’s hands wandered down to grasp Jinyoung’s, moving to pull them away. Jinyoung’s heart fell at Mark’s reaction. Was waking up beside Jinyoung that uncomfortable for him?

Selfishly, Jinyoung held onto the hoody Mark had fallen asleep in, clenching his fists tight around the comfy material, making it harder for the older boy to pry Jinyoung’s hands off. It was embarrassing and all sorts of wrong; Jinyoung forcing Mark to stay there beside him like that. Jinyoung wished he knew what the other boy was thinking.

“Jinyoungie, we gotta get up now.” Mark finally exhaled, gently rubbing a hand over Jinyoung’s wrist. Everything about the gesture made Jinyoung hope that maybe he was wrong and maybe Mark didn’t hate waking up like this. Still, he wasn’t ready to end their cuddling session just yet so Jinyoung continued pretending to be asleep. There was a beat of silence wherein Mark seemed to realise Jinyoung either couldn’t hear him or was choosing not to.

There was slight shifting from Mark that barely jostled Jinyoung but the younger should’ve seen it coming. In the next moment Mark reached his arm behind him and playfully slapped Jinyoung’s thigh, eliciting a yelp from the younger boy.

“Good. You’re up.” Mark snickered while Jinyoung grumbled and kneed the back of Mark’s legs. “Hey, stop that! I’m hungry, release me.” Mark whined, struggling against Jinyoung’s iron grip.

“Sleepin’. Nighty night.” Jinyoung mumbled sleepily, calling on every acting class he’d ever sat through.  

“You can keep sleeping after you let me go.” Mark tried bargaining with Jinyoung, wriggling around like a worm.

“No.”

“Um, excuse me? No?” Mark asked incredulously, attempting to twist around so that he could face Jinyoung but the younger boy wasn’t having any of that.

“Sleepy.” Jinyoung yawned happily.

“Oh my god. I’m getting out of this bed even if I have to drag you.” Mark threatened, grabbing Jinyoung’s wrists as he spoke. The younger boy didn’t respond, instead he just evened out his breathing to make it seem like he had fallen back asleep. Jinyoung wondered how much longer he could mess with Mark like this before the older boy just gave up. “Fine, I guess we’re doing this.” Mark huffed and for a second Jinyoung thought Mark was going to finally relent. Unfortunately, Jinyoung and Mark were as stubborn as each other. Mark strained to sit up with all his strength, almost catching Jinyoung off guard, causing him to almost slip out of the older boy’s hold. Jinyoung managed to keep a grip on Mark’s waist, hauling himself up with the other boy so that they were still attached.

Jinyoung didn’t have to fake the irritated groan he let out as Mark started to shuffle towards the edge of the mattress. The older boy ignored all of Jinyoung’s muffled protests, standing up the second his feet touched the ground. They stayed connected, Mark stretching his arms over his head while a surprised Jinyoung scrambled to stand up and keep himself wrapped around Mark.

“Really?” Mark scoffed, the blatant exasperation in his voice making it hard for Jinyoung not to burst out laughing. Instead of responding, the younger boy just became a dead weight hanging off of Mark. “You’re impossible.” Mark grumbled, trudging towards the door, considerably slowed down by the Jinyoung turned koala attached to him.

Jinyoung tucked his head into Mark’s back, blocking out the rest of the world as the older boy made his way through the dorm. Mark only really started to struggle once they got close to the kitchen, if Jinyoung’s memory of the dorm served him right. Mark paused which Jinyoung was thankful for. He was discovering that walking like this wasn’t all too comfortable. This pause didn’t last long as Mark started moving forward again except now he was trying to push Jinyoung off him, grabbing the younger boy’s wrists and pulling firmly. Jinyoung doesn’t know what came over him but he locked his elbows in place and held on almost painfully tight to Mark. He buried his face further into Mark’s back, whining a little in protest.

“Markie…” Jinyoung murmured sulkily, his voice still a bit scratchy from reading last night. Jinyoung smirked as he felt Mark coming to a standstill but it was soon gone as Mark redoubled his efforts to break free.

“I told you not to call me that.” Mark groaned, the rumble of his words reverberating in Jinyoung’s own chest. Jinyoung remembered all the times Mark had shot him down about the nickname. It was stupid really. Jinyoung should’ve dropped it, let the damn nickname go, but he couldn’t. Not when Youngjae called him ‘Markie’ without blinking an eye.

“You let Youngjae call you that, Markie.” Jinyoung groused petulantly, cringing further into Mark’s back at how childish he sounded. Well at least he could blame this all on sleep deprivation or sleep talking later, not his own emotional insecurities.

“Yeah, cuz it’s cute when he does it.” Mark threw back at him, making as if to keep walking but the older boy’s words triggered something in Jinyoung.  It was the same feeling Jinyoung used to get when he was younger and someone did better than him in a test. Jinyoung had felt it as a trainee all the time. There was always someone who could sing better, who danced better, who looked better. It was an ugly thing that made him resent his friends and he could feel it twisting in his stomach then as Mark’s words sunk in. Jealousy.

Jinyoung was never one to back down. He had studied harder and gotten higher marks, even reached the top of his class before he became a trainee. Then, Jinyoung had spent every day and night practicing until he was considered the best and picked to be in the group.

This time wasn’t any different. Jinyoung wasn’t going to let it slide and he dug his heels against the tiles, making Mark stop. It was the dumb insecure part of Jinyoung that thought it was a good idea to move from the safety of Mark’s back to prop his head on the older boy’s shoulder.

“What? Am I not cute?” Jinyoung demanded, directing his best pout at Mark with his eyes shut tight. Jinyoung kind of wished he could open his eyes and see Mark’s reaction, but up this close where Jinyoung could feel Mark’s breath hitting his face he didn’t have the nerve to look. Just as Jinyoung was thinking of something to say to further poke at Mark a familiar voice jerked Jinyoung fully awake.

“Nah, I’m definitely cuter.”

‘Oh, shit, Youngjae?’ Jinyoung’s thought process screeched to a halt.

It was a slap in the face for Jinyoung, whose eyes flew open and found Youngjae almost immediately. The younger boy was sitting there at the kitchen table with a proud smile on his face like he knew exactly what Jinyoung had been doing. Worse yet, Jaebum was sitting opposite Youngjae looking a mix between confused and amused by the position Mark and Jinyoung were in.

Jinyoung let go of Mark like he’d been burnt, ducking his head to hide the fact his face was heating up. All Jinyoung could think was that he had to fix this, make it seem like nothing had happened because nothing had happened, had it? No, but maybe Jinyoung had wanted something to happen, maybe if they’d truly been alone and Jinyoung had opened his eyes… but Jinyoung shouldn’t fill his head with such weird fantasies.

“Oh, I didn’t know you guys were up already. That’s good, great, now we only have to get the other three up and we can have breakfast together, uh, I’ll start making something. What do you want? Hmm?” Jinyoung ranted, rushing to try get breakfast ready. In his flustered state Jinyoung started mindlessly searching for food under the sink when everyone knew full well they only kept cleaning supplies there. Cringing at how obvious he was being, Jinyoung began rifling through the shelves above his head as he tried to calm himself down.

Jinyoung prayed that Mark didn’t notice his weird reaction the way Youngjae did. Jaebum wasn’t saying anything but Jinyoung could feel his friend’s gaze on his back. Years of living in too close quarters with each other had made it almost impossible to keep things from one another. Jinyoung knew Jaebum had noticed something was up. Hell, Jaebum might’ve even realised that Jinyoung hadn’t been as sleepy as he’d let on.

The mere thought of having to confront why he was acting like this made Jinyoung’s hands falter as he prepared some rice for them all. It annoyed Jinyoung. Why couldn’t he just enjoy Mark’s company in peace? Why did he have to have heart palpitations whenever he was close to the other boy? Really, if his heart just stopped overreacting to everything Mark did that would be a great help.

Jinyoung glanced back at Mark who was talking to Jaebum about the new producing equipment the company had bought them. He kept rubbing his eyes drowsily, a yawn or two interrupting his sentences, yet Jinyoung could still see that sparkle in his eye. Jinyoung couldn’t help the affectionate smile that bloomed on his face. Seeing Mark talk so animatedly about what he loved made Jinyoung happy. Plain and simple. He wished the older could always look like that.

***

Even now the memories had Jinyoung smiling like a fool by himself in his work room. He doesn’t know how long he was staring blankly at the bare wall in front of him before his phone buzzing shook him of out of his daze. With an intentional scowl to try balance out his gross and dopey grinning, Jinyoung unlocked his phone to see several messages from the boy he couldn’t seem to get away from.

<12:02>
Markie: hey you free for lunch?

<12:05>
Markie: i know you’re working but none of the rest are online or answering their phones T_T

<12:12>
Markie: pls? i’ll pay for you

The last message must’ve been the one that had forced Jinyoung out of his silly thoughts. It was disconcerting how he’d missed the first two because he’d gotten so caught up but he couldn’t think about that now. He had opened the messages from Mark and Jinyoung could see the older boy was still online, but what was Jinyoung supposed to say? If this was Mark texting him weeks ago he’d instantly agree to meet up, but was Mark and him alone, just the two of them, really a good idea? Jinyoung’s internal debate was cut short by a sharp buzzing from the phone in his hands.

<12:17>
Markie: pls dont leave me on read L

Jinyoung rolled his eyes at the message. Mark could be so impatient sometimes. Jinyoung was still in two minds about what to write back or whether he should even respond at all. The next message that lit up his screen decided it for him.

<12:24>.
Markie: jinyoungie~~~

In the next second Jinyoung was typing out a response. The one he would’ve given Mark weeks ago, the one that he wanted to write. Halfway through his text Jinyoung had to start over because Mark messaged him again, clearly having seen Jinyoung’s message bubble pop up.

<12:26>
Markie: !!!

Jinyoung allows himself a moment to laugh at that. Mark could do that so easily, just make Jinyoung laugh out loud at a simple text.

<12:29>
Me: Oh my god, calm down. I’m typing as fast as I can.

<12:29>
Markie: he’s alive!!!!

<12:30>
  Me: I’m free for lunch. I’m just in my studio working on a song for the album. Are you ready to go now?

<12:30>
Markie: yeah i’ll come pick you up

Markie: see you in 5, k?

Five minutes. Jinyoung needed more time. He hadn’t left the studio all day, he must look like a mess. The coffee stain on his jumper from this morning that he’d barely give any thought to was suddenly like a big bright sign flashing “mess” on his jumper. Jinyoung opened his front facing camera and quickly scanned his face only to be disappointed. He look tired, dark circles under his eyes and a bird nest on top of his head instead of hair. Jinyoung rubbed his face in a failed attempt to look slightly presentable. He gave up on his face and moved to his hair, patting it down uselessly. No matter what, Jinyoung wasn’t satisfied and before he knew it Mark was opening his studio door. The younger jumped at the sound of the door clicking, nearly dropping his phone in the process.

“You ready?” Mark asked, looking up as he pocketed his own phone.

“Um, yeah. Just let me grab my wallet.” Jinyoung mumbled, shuffling the haphazard papers on his desk in search of the elusive wallet.

“Hey, no, I said I was paying. C’mon,” Mark insisted, reassuringly patting Jinyoung on the back before gesturing to the open door.

“Are you sure? I can pay you back.” Jinyoung assured the other boy bashfully. Mark just rolled his eyes at Jinyoung, a fond smile on his face. They both knew Jinyoung would never pass up the offer of free food.

“Don’t worry about it. Let’s go already, I’m starving.” Mark playfully whined, pulling on Jinyoung’s jumper clad arm.

They walked in a comfortable silence to the café closest to the company. It was the one they always went to, even before debut. Despite the fact it was a short walk they both wore face masks and hats which Jinyoung was thankful for considering how self-conscious he’d been feeling in the studio. The brown coffee stain was still bothering Jinyoung. He kept subconsciously rubbing at it, frowning down at the offending stain as if looking at it would help.

Jinyoung should’ve been paying more attention to his surroundings. He didn’t realise they were about to the cross the road, his feet walking forward on autopilot until he heard the dissonant sound of an angry car honking. Jinyoung froze, closing his eyes in fright and anticipating impact. Instead, he felt a protective arm wrapping around his waist, pulling him back.

“Shit! Jinyoung, be careful! Shit, shit, are you okay?” Mark frantically questioned, his eyes wide with a fear that mirrored Jinyoung’s own. Jinyoung’s heart was running a mile a minute from the almost-accident and all he could muster was a shaky nod.

Mark held him tighter, his hand a soothing warmth on Jinyoung’s waist, grounding him. Instinctively, Jinyoung draped his own arm over Mark’s shoulder, releasing a nervous, breathy laugh as he pressed his forehead into the side of Mark’s head.

“Fuck, that was close. Thank you, Markie.” Jinyoung hadn’t meant to use the nickname. It just slipped out in his hazy state, wasted energy pumping through his veins, making him feel almost light headed. “Do you wanna try that again?” Jinyoung joked, Mark shaking his head disapprovingly and smiling ruefully at Jinyoung.

Still, they walked across the now empty street, arms around one another, hearts both coming down from the adrenalin rush. They stayed like that all the way to the café, like they were afraid they’d vanish, Jinyoung only detaching himself to open the door for Mark. The older boy asked for their usual seats downstairs away from the big open windows and fansites that might stumble across them. Jinyoung didn’t recognise the girl who led them down to their table but she kept sending him small glances and smiles as if they were friends in on a secret. She didn’t say anything to show she knew him though so Jinyoung tried to ignore it.

Just before she left she handed Jinyoung his menu, holding onto the laminated sheet a moment too long. When Jinyoung looked up at her in confusion she smiled wider, before ducking her head and rushing away. The second she was out of earshot, Jinyoung leant across the small table where Mark sat opposite him, studying the menu.

“Is it just me or is that new waitress acting weird? Do you think she’s a fan?” Jinyoung whispered, furtively looking around at the vacant tables in case she was hiding behind a plant.

“Dunno. She’s definitely a fan of you, anyway.” Mark snickered, turning the menu over to look at the back.

“What?”

“She’s into you.” Mark explained, seeming slightly exasperated, like it was an obvious fact. The older put down the menu and finally looked at Jinyoung. Whatever expression Jinyoung had must’ve been funny because Mark started laughing, leaning across the table, meeting Jinyoung halfway.

“God, you’re so blind.” Mark sighed, and the statement would’ve irked Jinyoung more if not for the way Mark looked at him with so much affection.

“Hmm. Maybe you’re the one who’s blind and she likes you. Or neither of us.” Jinyoung pointed out, eyebrow raised challengingly.

“Yeah, no.” Mark snorted, rolling his eyes like Jinyoung was being ridiculous. “She was definitely checking you out. Trust me.” Mark nodded confidently, picking up his menu and scanning it again. Jinyoung doesn’t why Mark was so fascinated with the menu, he was always boring and ordered the same thing anyway. A more pressing matter for Jinyoung however was Mark’s revelation. Jinyoung didn’t know what to do with the information. Should he do something?

“Chill out. You look so stressed.” Mark scoffed, shaking Jinyoung’s tensed arm a little. “A pretty girl likes you. What’s so bad about that, huh?” Mark shrugged, letting go of Jinyoung’s arm and leaning back into his chair. There wasn’t anything necessarily bad about it but it just didn’t feel right like talking to girls normally did. Apart from her weird behaviour nothing about her really stood out for Jinyoung. Maybe he would find something he liked about her in time but right now he wasn’t really drawn to her at all. “A-aren’t you interested?” Mark asked, clearing his throat. Jinyoung watched as the other boy fiddled with his napkin, no longer meeting Jinyoung’s gaze.

“Interested in what?”

“Her, obviously.” Mark snipped, looking at Jinyoung with an annoyed frown from his slouched position in his chair.

“I don’t know. Not really, I guess. No.” Jinyoung bumbled, cringing at his own use of words, uncertain of what was the right thing to say. Mark looked at him like he didn’t believe a word of it. The older boy opened his mouth to say something but the waitress interrupted them, asking for their orders.

This time Jinyoung noticed it, how when she spoke it was directed almost entirely at him. She barely looked at Mark, only turning to him once she’d gotten Jinyoung’s order and complimented him on what a great choice it was. Jinyoung caught all of the quick glances and shy smiles that were sent his way.

While she meant no harm it just left Jinyoung feeling a little awkward because although he was flattered, there was nothing more to it. Sure, objectively, she was good looking but Jinyoung couldn’t bring himself to care beyond that. It didn’t help that he could see Mark staring him down from the corner of his eye.

“I see what you mean.” Jinyoung finally muttered once the waitress had left them alone again.

“So… are you going to ask for her number?” Mark prompted, fidgeting with his cutlery. His expression was blank, almost like he was bored.

“Nah, she’s not really my type.” Jinyoung admitted, and there was some truth to that statement. Jinyoung had no idea anymore what exactly his type was but it was certainly closer to the boy sitting across from him than the girl he spotted bringing their drinks over. She wasn’t mentioned again for the rest of their lunch and the mood naturally shifted between them.

They talked about serious stuff like Jaebum and the new album but also trivial things that didn’t matter in the long term but made them both happy in the moment. Jinyoung was happy he had decided to say yes. He was too distracted laughing with Mark to think about how light it made him feel and why that was maybe a bad thing.

Jinyoung had pretty much forgotten about the waitress by the time they asked for the bill. It was only because she made sure to specifically hand it to Jinyoung that he remembered the start of their lunch. She scurried away as quickly as she had done earlier, leaving Jinyoung a little confused. He glanced down at the bill to see a set of numbers handwritten on the end of the slip of paper beside a name and heart.

“Oh.” Was all Jinyoung could think to say but Mark seemed to know exactly what was written on the bill.

“She made the first move, huh?” Mark looked impressed, reaching for the bill so he could see how much they owed. When he was satisfied he gave the bill back to Jinyoung.

“Sorry, you can take it down now if you want.” Mark said, rummaging through his back pocket for his wallet. Jinyoung looked at the number and name for a moment and genuinely considered it. Maybe they’d be perfect together, maybe this was fate and Jinyoung and the waitress, Eunhee the bill said, were supposed to cross paths like this. Maybe she’d help him forget his wayward thoughts about the boy sitting across from him.

Mark was currently counting out the right amount of change, silently mouthing the numbers to himself. He always looked cute when he concentrated, his eyebrows scrunched together and his eyes squinting the way Jinyoung’s did when he didn’t wear his glasses.

“What?” Mark asked, cutting Jinyoung’s train of thought short. When Jinyoung didn’t respond straight away Mark clarified his question by saying “You were smiling at me.”

“Am I not allowed to smile at my best friend?” Jinyoung threw back, defensive and unnerved by how unusually observant Mark was being. Normally the older was oblivious to his surroundings. “Are you done yet? I need to get back to the song.” Jinyoung pushed, pressing his hands down on his knees, shuffling uncomfortably in his chair.

“Wait, what about the waitress?”

“I told you. I’m not interested. Could you just drop it already?” Jinyoung vented, standing up and leaving a confused Mark in his seat. Jinyoung had only made it as far as the stairs when he felt a hand grabbing hold of his wrist, turning him around. Jinyoung didn’t even bother to hide how irritated he was as he wrenched his wrist away from Mark. Still, he didn’t move to go upstairs. Instead he somewhat indulged Mark, not moving to leave but standing there with his arms crossed stubbornly in front of his chest.

“Woah, slow down. Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pressure you or anything.” Mark anxiously apologised, looking mildly wounded by Jinyoung’s affronted stance and cold glare.

“I don’t like being pushed into things. You know that.” Jinyoung quipped, lips pursed and shoulders stiff.

“I just want you to be happy. Is that a crime?” Mark sighed, smiling sadly at Jinyoung in a way that turned it back on him, making him feel guilty for his outburst. It wasn’t Mark’s fault. It was all Jinyoung’s baggage. Jinyoung hated showing this petty irrational side of himself to the older boy. Mark was such a good person. Jinyoung always felt worse for acting mean around him. Mark made Jinyoung want to be a better person.

“I know. I am happy.” Jinyoung assured him even though he didn’t fully believe it himself.  He had been happy back at their café table, laughing during lunch with Mark. Now he felt uneasy.

“Hmm, I dunno. I might need you to smile for me. For confirmation. Just to be 100% sure.” Mark teased, stepping closer and smiling big and wide up at Jinyoung. It only took one goofy look from Mark to break Jinyoung’s composure, a smile spreading across his own face, his hand naturally coming up to cover it. “You shouldn’t do that.” Mark pouted, pulling Jinyoung’s hand down and holding it in his own between them. Mark’s frown deepened as Jinyoung instinctively tried to cover this face with his free hand. He was stopped by Mark’s other hand intertwining their fingers. “Don’t. You have a nice smile.” Mark murmured, smiling softly up at Jinyoung whose heart was wreaking havoc in his chest.

Jinyoung was a fool if he thought for a second anyone would be able to stop him thinking about Mark. Those unwarranted thoughts were back again and blaring like sirens through Jinyoung’s head. They were standing so close, holding hands, poised as if they were in some cheesy drama. This would typically be the moment where the music swells and one of them would lean in ever so slightly and-

“Ok, good. I got you to smile properly. We can go now; my work here is done.” Mark chuckled, pulling away from Jinyoung and dropping his hands like nothing had happened. And maybe in a way nothing had happened but Jinyoung could still feel the electricity between them. It must’ve been only Jinyoung who felt it. He laughed with Mark, hoping it didn’t sound as strangled as he felt, following the older boy up and out of the café. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry I ruined lunch.” Mark said once they were outside, slinging an arm around Jinyoung’s waist in camaraderie. He leaned into Mark’s touch for a moment. They both knew the little spat was already long forgotten.

“You didn’t.” Jinyoung shook his head, throwing his arm around Mark’s shoulder like he’d done earlier. “Thanks for treating me by the way.” He continued, squeezing Mark’s shoulder, earning a contented hum for the older boy. “I was just thinking… I’m too tired to work on the song anymore. I’m gonna head home, ok?” Jinyoung faltered, moving out of the older boy’s embrace.

“Oh, ok. I’ll walk you back.” Mark suggested easily but Jinyoung wanted to be alone for a little bit. The dorm wasn’t far anyway and he had his face mask. He wouldn’t be spotted so he declined despite how much Mark protested. Eventually the older boy relented after forcing Jinyoung to promise to text him once he was home.

***

Days passed and nothing changed. The song was still unfinished with Jinyoung being only able to muster a few lines here and there that probably wouldn’t be used anyway. Jinyoung blamed it on his preoccupation with a certain band member of his. Even now, as he sat down for breakfast, sandwiched between Yugyeom and Jaebum excitedly talking about choreography, Jinyoung couldn’t keep his eyes from straying to Mark. The older boy was on the other side of the table, completely engrossed in whatever he and Jackson were talking about.

Mark was good looking, everyone accepted this. It was a fact. Jinyoung never really thought about exactly why or how Mark was good looking because he just was. But now, Jinyoung was forcing himself to look, trying to figure out what made Mark good looking. Yeah, sure, he had an almost obnoxiously adorable smile when he was really happy, as if he wanted everyone to know. He also had that shy smile though like he was keeping a secret from everyone, something only Mark knew. Jinyoung preferred the former.

And maybe Mark also had really nice eyes, warm ones that made you feel special when you were the one he was looking at. Jinyoung always looked to Mark’s eyes to see what the other boy was really thinking. They were so expressive, they gave him away most of the time. So yeah, Jinyoung could acknowledge that Mark’s face was pretty much perfect.

Build-wise, Mark had always been skinny, too skinny for Jinyoung’s liking, and he never stopped pestering Mark to eat more. Nowadays Mark had taken to filling himself with protein shakes and energy boosters to build up some muscle and Jinyoung had definitely noticed a difference. Still, they were about the same height, Jinyoung having a slight advantage that, depending on their shoes, was barely noticeable. Not too tall and not too short.

The question was; did Jinyoung find Mark attractive? Because yes, he thought Mark was good looking, but attraction was a whole other area. This is when Jinyoung’s thoughts would get muddled and mixed around. Mark was one of his best friends so of course they clicked personality wise and personality had always been a huge factor in how Jinyoung felt about someone.

When he’d first met Mark, Jinyoung got the impression he was this cool, calm guy from America. As time wore on they became closer and Jinyoung realised that underneath the cool exterior was a terrified boy much like himself. They were both just good at hiding it.

Mark was the person Jinyoung went to when he wanted everything to just be quiet for a while, when he wanted the doubtful thoughts to shut up for a few hours or when the voices screaming his name sounded angry. Mark was his calm, someone he could sit with in silence and just be himself.

Jinyoung continued to study Mark. His slight shift in facial expression at whatever Jackson was saying, how he smiled wider when Youngjae leaned in to say something; probably an attempt at speaking English. Jinyoung watched as Mark blindly reached for his glass of water, bringing it up to his lips but missing his mouth and spilling water all down his chin. Jinyoung had to bite down on his own lips to keep his laughter in at the perplexed look on Mark’s face.

Neither Jackson nor Youngjae seemed to notice Mark’s clumsiness, both of them gesturing wildly about something. Jinyoung watched as Mark wiped his chin inconspicuously, eyes moving around the table to check if anyone else had noticed. They locked eyes across the table and Jinyoung almost lost it, having to look away and muffle the few giggles that slipped out with his hand. When he glanced back at Mark, the older boy was in a similar state, his shoulders shaking with silent laughter and his lips pressed together. They were like two kids chittering in the back of class praying not to get caught.

“Smooth.” Jinyoung mouthed to Mark once they’d composed themselves enough to the point where they were just grinning widely at one another like two fools. Mark winked across the table as if to say ‘you know it’. The cheesy gesture had Jinyoung spluttering again, this time catching Jaebum’s attention who turned to him with a raised eyebrow.

“What’s so funny?” Jaebum asked, eyes flickering in suspicion to Mark who was back to pretending like he was listening to whatever Jackson and Youngjae were talking about.

“Oh, I was just thinking about all your cringe-y scenes in Dream High 2.” Jinyoung shrugged, smirking at Jaebum’s blank expression.

“Don’t speak of it.” Jaebum shivered, looking haunted by the mere thought. Unfortunately for Jaebum, Yugyeom was more than happy to relive the series, spouting some of the best of Jaebum’s cheesy lines. With the chaos that ensued Jinyoung was free to look back over at Mark who was already smiling at him.

“Smooth.” The older boy mouthed at Jinyoung, mimicking his earlier actions and earning himself an eye roll from Jinyoung. Still, he couldn’t help the smile that spread across his own face at Mark’s antics. The giddiness was infectious and Mark was addictive.

***

Later that night, Jinyoung was sitting up in his bed writing lyrics. He’d been about o nod off when inspiration had hit. Jinyoung didn’t trust himself to remember it in the morning so he quickly sat up and started scribbling on the notebook he kept by his bed.

‘You’re the only one, you’re my only paradise.’

‘No,’ Jinyoung thought, crossing out a word.

‘You’re my only paradise.’

‘Better.’ Jinyoung smiled. It wasn’t much but it was a start at least. He was about to turn off his bedside lamp and sleep for the night but a soft knock and familiar voice calling his name from the other side of his door stopped him.

“Mark?” Jinyoung whispered, glancing at his watch. It was 2:30 in the morning. Why was the older boy up? There was a pause before the door creaked open and Mark peeked his head in. He was wearing one of those hoodies that he’d buy three sizes too big, causing him to look swallowed up by the material.

“Ice cream?” Mark asked, voice hopeful but uncertain like he was worried Jinyoung would say no. As if Jinyoung could ever deny Mark of anything.

“Ice cream. Yeah, let me get changed.” Jinyoung nodded quickly, getting up and grabbing some sweats from his wardrobe.

“I’ll wait by the door.” Mark said, closing Jinyoung’s door quietly behind him. Jinyoung tried to get dressed as quickly as possible, worried both by the fact Mark wanted to get ice cream and the fact that it was the middle of the night. He was using their code word for ‘something’s wrong’. They only ever used to get ice cream late like this when training and idol life really took a strain on them. They hadn’t seen each other since breakfast but Mark had seemed to be in such a good mood. Jinyoung couldn’t think of anything that would make Mark ask to go get ice cream like they used to back in the day.

Mark already had his shoes on when Jinyoung met him at the door. The older boy briefly looked up from his phone to smile sleepily at Jinyoung before going back to typing something on his phone. Once he was ready they made their way to the local convenience store, Mark unusually asking a lot of questions which Jinyoung took as his cue to talk. Mark only did this when he wanted a distraction, when he wanted someone else to carry the conversation. Jinyoung happily did so, talking about the small progress he was making on the song. Mark only vaguely nodded, not offering any opinions like he normally would when they talked about song writing.

Jinyoung ordered from the tired clerk and paid for them both even though Mark protested. Jinyoung insisted it was his turn to treat Mark and the older boy finally relented, leaving the store to find them a bench to sit on. Jinyoung shivered a little as he walked back out into the cold with their two cups of ice cream in his hands. It didn’t take him long to spot Mark huddled up on a bench, staring blankly ahead.

“One cookies and cream for you,” Jinyoung sing-songed, sitting opposite from Mark and placing the small cup carefully in front of him. “And one caramel swirl for me.”

“Thanks, Jinyoungie.” Mark murmured, sadly scooping up some ice cream with his plastic spoon and staring at it. A moment of silence passed.

“So, ice cream?” Jinyoung questioned, testing the waters.

“Ice cream.” Mark nodded, putting down his spoon without eating any of it.  

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Jinyoung asked tentatively, swirling his own spoon around.

“I’m just being dumb.” Mark grimaced, burying his face in his sweater paws.

“I highly doubt that. I’m not going to make you talk about it, but I’m here if you need me.” Jinyoung spoke softly, reaching across the picnic table to soothingly rub Mark’s arm.

“I- god, it’s so stupid- but I was video-chatting with my parents today and, and they were asking if I could come home for Christmas this year. And I just don’t know, y’know? I can’t tell my own mum that I’ll be home for Christmas. How fucked up is that?” Mark scoffed, shaking his head, his breathing shaky as he continued to rant. “And I know I’m doing what I love and there’s thousands of people who would kill to be in my place. I know all that, but sometimes I just really miss them. My mum, my dad, my sister. All of them. I just don’t know if I can do another Christmas alone.” Mark broke down, his voice cracking and a few tears slipping out. The older boy furiously tried to wipe them away but more fell. Jinyoung was immediately up and sitting beside Mark, pulling him in close. “It’s so fucking lonely when you all go home for Christmas, Jinyoungie. The dorm is too quiet. I hate it.” Mark blubbered, no longer holding back his tears, hiding his face in Jinyoung’s neck. Mark clung to Jinyoung desperately as if the younger boy would vanish if he didn’t hold him close enough.

“Well, if they won’t let you go home this year I’ll stay in the dorm with you. We’ll spend Christmas together, ok?” Jinyoung promised, pressing his face into Mark’s hair. He considered kissing the top of Mark’s head for a second but thought better of it, stroking the other boy’s back soothingly instead.

“You have your own family. I can’t ask you to-”

“You’re not asking. I’m offering.” Jinyoung interjected, holding Mark tighter. “You’re just as much my family. You know that, Mark.” A moment of silence followed.

“I- I love you, Jinyoung.” Mark whispered into Jinyoung’s neck, nuzzling into the younger boy like he does when he curls up to sleep in Jinyoung’s bed.  Jinyoung’s heart leapt frantically at Mark’s words. Three simple words. They all said this to each other all the time yet here Jinyoung was, nearly having a heart attack. He had to remind himself that it didn’t mean anything anyway. Best friends tell each other ‘I love you’ all the time. All he could hope was that Mark was too upset to notice Jinyoung’s racing pulse and how he froze for a beat before responding.

“I love you too.” Jinyoung murmured sincerely, his chest flooding with a strange warmth as Mark somehow managed to hold Jinyoung impossibly closer. Then Jinyoung heard the broken sob bubble up in Marks throat and the older boy was back to sobbing heavily into Jinyoung.

The younger boy’s heart clenched at the sounds, he wished he knew what had happened to set Mark off. Jinyoung wished he could fix it and make it so Mark never have to be sad again.  All Jinyoung could do was try his best to calm Mark down, rocking him back and forth on the cold bench, whispering soothing words into the older boy’s hair. He wasn’t sure how long they sat there like that before Mark pulled away, only the odd sniffle and his red eyes a sign that he’d been crying.

“Sorry, I’m such a mess.” Mark croaked, hiding his face in his hands, trying to discreetly wipe away any stray tears.

“Hey, there’s nothing to apologise for,” Jinyoung gently reprimanded him, putting a comforting arm around Mark’s shoulders. “Come on, we gotta eat this ice cream before it melts.” Jinyoung joked, placing Mark’s in front of him again and grabbing his own from across the table.

Mark’s face was still a little pink from all the crying but he managed to give Jinyoung his best watery smile to say thank you. They both felt a lot lighter after that, eating their ice cream while indulging in their normal banter. Jinyoung’s arm stayed around Mark, never moving even though the older boy didn’t lean into Jinyoung like he usually did.

“Isn’t cookies and cream just Oreo ice cream?” Jinyoung asked at one point, causing Mark to almost drop his spoon in disbelief.

“No!” Mark protested, looking at Jinyoung like he’d just kicked Coco. “Cookies and cream is far superior.” Mark sniffed head held high like royalty.  

“Ok, ok, calm down,” Jinyoung said, rolling his eyes good-naturedly, humouring Mark. “Is it that good?” Jinyoung questioned, voice full of doubt. Ice cream was ice cream after all.

“You’ve never tried it?” Mark gaped, looking slightly appalled at the idea.

“Uh, no.”

“We’re fixing this right now.” Mark clapped his hands together, sitting up straighter and pulling away from Jinyoung. “Ok, open up, Jinyoungie. Here comes the airplane.” Mark said using his best baby voice, waving a spoonful of ice cream in the air near Jinyoung’s face.

“Why are you like this?” Jinyoung deadpanned, lips sealed and determined to say that way. He wasn’t a baby and he wasn’t going to play along. Jinyoung had some dignity.

“The airplane needs to land, Jinyoungie. You better open up.” Mark sing-songed, swaying the spoon dangerously close to Jinyoung’s face. Despite Mark’s big wide eyes looking up at him and the cute voice, Jinyoung maintained his composure.

Mark pouted at Jinyoung's resilience for a moment. Suddenly, Mark's eyes lit up with mischief and the next thing Jinyoung knew his nose was cold and wet. Mark was cackling away, dropping his spoon onto the wooden table in his fit of giggles. Mark's laugh was high pitched and obnoxious. Most found it grating to the ear, but even with a nose covered in ice cream, Jinyoung couldn't stay mad. Not when Mark was filling the cold night air with his bright laughter.

The smell of the cookies and cream mixed with the sound of Mark's howling laughter was a strange sensory overload for Jinyoung. It came upon him then, the itching urge to write, his fingers twitching instinctually to grab a pen and scribble down on the napkin Mark had handed him. Why did all his inspiration come from Mark?

“You should’ve let the airplane in.” Mark breathed out through a wave of giggles while Jinyoung wiped his nose.  

They left soon after Jinyoung had cleaned himself up, the younger boy standing up first and offering his hand to Mark. Jinyoung could see Mark hesitate, the older boy’s eyes flitting between the outstretched hand and Jinyoung. For a split second he worried Mark would reject him but then the older boy took his hand and stood up.

Jinyoung interlocked their fingers and squeezed the other boy’s hand gently. Mark looked up at him and sent him another sad smile that had Jinyoung’s heart aching and wondering whether the laughter they’d shared moments ago was genuine, whether Mark was actually feeling better or had just been masking his emotions like he normally did.

They walked back home in silence as the world around them slept. Every now and then he would catch their reflection in a store window. They looked like a couple. The thought didn’t upset Jinyoung like he knew it should. Instead, he was filled up with a bursting sense of endearment for the boy beside him. If Mark felt anything his face didn’t show it. After the outburst of laughter and happiness Mark reverted to how he’d been when he approached Jinyoung earlier in the evening. Jinyoung kept running a reassuring thumb across Mark’s knuckles but it didn’t seem to help much. The older boy continued to stare at his feet most of the way home.

Once they got back to the dorm, Jinyoung had to let Mark’s hand go so they could both take off their shoes. Mark slid his off quicker, moving further into the dorm. Jinyoung could see he was heading for the hallway that led to his room with Youngjae. Call it instinct or intuition but Jinyoung just knew Mark shouldn’t be alone.

“Stay with me tonight.” Jinyoung murmured, intertwining their hands again and tugging Mark towards his room. The older boy didn’t respond but he didn’t pull away either, allowing himself to be led. Mark only hesitated when they were in Jinyoung’s room, stopping at the side of his bed. Jinyoung was already making himself comfortable on the bed, moving over to make room for Mark and didn’t notice at first. The older boy was staring down at Jinyoung looking strangely conflicted.

“I’m going to turn the light off.” Mark muttered, shuffling to the light switch while Jinyoung stared after him worriedly. Everything went dark and Jinyoung lay down on his mattress properly, facing the wall, his back to Mark. Jinyoung felt the bed dip slightly and tried to hold back his disappointment when Mark didn’t move closer and wrap his arms around Jinyoung like he normally would. Jinyoung thought about rolling over and initiating contact but the fear that Mark would pull away was too strong and kept him in place. Jinyoung tried his best to fall asleep but he just couldn’t, not with Mark mere centimetres away.

Jinyoung thought the older boy had fallen asleep until he heard a sharp hitch in Mark’s breathing followed by what sounded like muffled whimpers. That one small broken sound threw Jinyoung’s pride out the window. Mark was more important. Jinyoung instantly turned and pressed himself up against Mark’s back, wrapping an arm around his waist.

“Oh my g-god, I thought you-you were asleep.” Mark choked out, his whole body tremoring against Jinyoung’s chest. It destroyed Jinyoung to hear Mark fall apart like this. The older boy hardly ever cried and Jinyoung had never seen him completely distraught like this. Jinyoung didn’t know what to say or do. He felt useless just holding Mark in his arms while the other boy wept.

Jinyoung was hit with a desperate urge to protect Mark from whatever was hurting him. Whether it be JYP or another member or a random stranger on the street. Jinyoung wracked his brain as to what could be bothering Mark. It couldn’t just be his family and homesickness; there had to be something else, there had to be more to it. Jinyoung wondered if this was about the person Mark liked. If they were the reason behind all this then Mark could do infinitely better. Jinyoung made a promise to himself right then and there that if he ever met the son of a bitch he’d give them hell for hurting Mark.

The older boy didn’t deserve to feel this way. Jinyoung wished he could take some of the pain away, feel it himself instead. He’d give anything to stop Mark feeling like this, to see Mark smiling and laughing again as he had been earlier.

“Shh, I’m here, I’ve got you. It’s gonna be ok. I love you so much Mark, it’s-”

“No, you-you don’t.” Mark frantically blubbered, covering his face with his hands as his sobs became more pronounced.  

“I do! So, so much Mark.” Jinyoung persisted, hugging Mark tight as if he could convey his feeling through touch.

“You don’t,” Mark swallowed harshly before finishing his sentence. “love me. You don’t, so don’t lie.” Mark hiccoughed, leaving Jinyoung stunned. The older boy continued to weep, shuddering in Jinyoung’s arms while Jinyoung tried to formulate a response. Mark’s outburst was unsettling to him. What was going on in the older boy’s head? Jinyoung wondered for a fleeting moment if Mark was drunk, but that was impossible. Where was all this coming from? Of course Jinyoung loved him.

“But I do,” Jinyoung whispered, his voice almost cracking.

“Stop.” Mark bawled and Jinyoung felt his own eyes prick with unshed tears at how hopeless Mark sounded. Jinyoung wanted to continue whispering just how much Mark meant to him all night long. He wanted the older boy to know just how amazing he was. Jinyoung wished he could be braver and admit to everything he’d been thinking for the past few weeks.

Seeing Mark like this was slowly breaking Jinyoung’s heart, tearing it in two, so when Mark pleaded with him to stop like that Jinyoung couldn’t say no. His words only seemed to make it worse, they weren’t going in. Maybe in the morning when Mark had calmed down Jinyoung could fully explain how entirely precious Mark was to him. For now, all Jinyoung could do was what Mark wanted.

Instead of words, Jinyoung held Mark close, humming to him softly. It was a song his mum used to sing to him. At first it didn’t seem to have much of an effect as Mark continued to cry, his chest heaving and shivers running up his back but Jinyoung never once let go of him. Whether it was Jinyoung’s presence or the sheer exhaustion from the emotional night, Mark eventually fell asleep, his breaths evening out.

Jinyoung doubted he’d get any sleep himself for the rest of the night. He was so shaken by what he had seen and what he’d realised. Jinyoung had been lying to himself for weeks. The feelings he had for Mark were anything but platonic and ran a lot deeper than a crush or mere ‘liking’ someone. Not even when Jaebum had had his first episode in front of him had Jinyoung felt so worried about someone. The way he cared for Mark was different than the parental protectiveness he felt for the other members. Jinyoung was never happier than when he was with Mark. No one could make him laugh as Mark did. No one put up with Jinyoung’s bullshit and understood him as Mark did.

Jinyoung had been so blind. He had fallen in love with his best friend and never even noticed. Jinyoung couldn’t decide what was worse; the fact he’d fallen for a boy or the fact that he stood no chance with that boy. Mark liked someone else. It didn’t matter if Jinyoung ever confessed to how he felt or not.

Still, it made Jinyoung sad to think Mark may never know how Jinyoung feels about him. An idea hit him then. Jinyoung waited until he could hear Mark snoring and then, rather selfishly, he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss into the other boy’s hair, whispering gently;

“I love you, Mark Tuan. So much more than you’ll ever know.”

***

Jinyoung was no stranger to waking up alone. He’d always thought himself lucky not to have a roommate, to have his own space. Jinyoung had never understood how someone could feel lonely in their own bed, sleeping alone. Now, as he woke up expecting to feel Mark’s warm body beside him but only finding emptiness, Jinyoung understood. While his mind tried to drag itself out of sleep his hand blindly wandered across his mattress, confused until his groggy brain pieced together that Mark must’ve left sometime in the early hours of the morning. That’s when the disappointment hit like a punch square in Jinyoung’s chest, his hand clenching around cold sheets.

Next, the worry set in as Jinyoung remembered everything that happened last night, his eyes jumping open. The heart-wrenching sounds of Mark crying rang in Jinyoung’s mind, forcing him out of bed. He had to find Mark and make sure he was ok.

Blearily, Jinyoung made his way to Mark and Youngjae’s room, thinking the older boy would probably need to catch up on some sleep. When he opened the door Jinyoung was disconcerted to see Youngjae sitting on his bed alone. The younger boy smiled at Jinyoung, no doubt opening his mouth to say “hello” but Jinyoung didn’t give him the chance.

“Where’s Mark?”

“The kitchen, I think.” Youngjae frowned, seeming to finally notice Jinyoung’s sweats and jumper that looked slept in. “Why-” Youngjae tried to ask but Jinyoung wasn’t listening anymore now that he knew where Mark was. Jinyoung walked the short distance down the hall as quickly as he could without actually running, only vaguely registering the fact Youngjae was following behind him.

Jinyoung didn’t know what he expected to see once he entered the kitchen but the normalcy he was met with made his blood run cold. Mark was sitting in his usual place, a plate of food in front of him. Just like Jinyoung, Mark was wearing the clothes he slept in. Jaebum was leaning against the counter drinking coffee, in the middle of telling a story that the older boy didn’t seem to be listening to. Coco was running around under the table. There were dishes in the sink. It was just like any other morning. Did Jinyoung dream up everything that happened last night?

Then Mark looked up from his plate and spotted Jinyoung. The way his shoulders stiffened and how he averted his gaze dispelled any doubts in Jinyoung’s sleep deprived mind. Mark looked tired, the dark circles under his eyes prominent, his skin waxy and pale. He’d kept his hood up even though he was indoors and despite everything Jinyoung was still taken aback by how soft the older boy looked.

It was strange looking at someone you’d seen every day for years in a whole new light over the span of 24 hours. It reminded Jinyoung of the first time he’d worn his glasses. He’d never realised how bad his eye sight was until the optician had handed him his first pair. Suddenly everything was startling clear and in focus. Jinyoung felt the same way now as he watched Mark pull his phone out of his oversized hoody’s pocket, his fingers slightly peeking out of the sleeves.

“Mark.” Jinyoung shakily exhaled from the threshold, Youngjae moving around him to stand beside Jaebum who’d gone quiet. Mark didn’t look up from his phone as he replied with a simple “Sup?” popping the p at the end like this was any other morning. Jinyoung had anticipated this reaction yet the fact that Mark was pretending everything was fine hurt. Did he really think Jinyoung could just act like Mark hadn’t cried himself to sleep in his arms only hours ago?

“Can I talk to you in private?” Jinyoung asked, keeping his voice light as he moved towards the table, ignoring how Youngjae and Jaebum were carefully watching on the side-lines.

“I’m busy right now.” Mark yawned, pretending to find something particularly interesting on his phone. Jinyoung took a deep breath, reminding himself he had to keep his cool. Mark was only acting like this because he was embarrassed about last night. Anything said with malice; he didn’t mean.

“It’s important.” Jinyoung tried again, taking the seat opposite Mark. “We need to talk about last night.” He could see Mark’s fingers falter over the screen for a second at Jinyoung’s words.

“No. We don’t.” Mark bit out, not missing a beat.

“Yes, we do.” Jinyoung insisted. The whole ‘not looking at you’ act was starting to get on Jinyoung’s nerves so, impulsively, he leaned across the table and snatched Mark’s phone out of his unsuspecting hands. 

“Hey, what the fuck?!” Mark raised his voice, finally meeting Jinyoung’s gaze even if he was currently glaring at the younger boy. It was a start. Jinyoung pocketed Mark’s phone, sitting back in his chair, his arms crossed stubbornly.

“Guys,” Jaebum warned, clearly feeling now was the time to intervene as he pushed himself off the counter. “Look, whatever’s happened, let’s just talk it out like adults,” Jaebum suggested calmly but Mark just scoffed, crossing his own arms; mimicking Jinyoung.

The older boy stared down at the table top, refusing to meet Jaebum and Youngjae’s questioning eyes. Jaebum sighed and looked like he was going to try again but Youngjae stopped him with a hand on his arm. Jinyoung would be lying if he said he was a bit taken aback by the brief contact. He didn’t realise those two were comfortable with that kind of stuff again.

“I know that you’re trying to be a responsible leader but I think we should let them figure it out themselves.” Youngjae stage-whispered as if Mark and Jinyoung weren’t sitting right in front of them. Mark huffed at the statement, earning him a stern look from Youngjae. Jaebum looked between his two friends again, assessing the situation and looking unconvinced at their ability to sort it themselves. Jinyoung watched as Youngjae wrapped both his hands around Jaebum’s arm, pulling at him cutely in the direction of the living room.

“But-” Jaebum protested, going quiet once Youngjae trailed one of his hands down to hold Jaebum’s.

“Come on.” Youngjae coaxed, tugging a flushed and stumbling Jaebum out of the kitchen.

How much had Jinyoung missed while he was stupidly working himself up over Mark? He made a mental note to talk to Jaebum about it as he watched his friend being led out. When Jinyoung turned around he was faced with a scowling Mark.

“Give me my phone back.”

“Not until we talk about last night,” Jinyoung stated, unwavering.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Mark muttered, staring down at his untouched breakfast. Jinyoung hated when Mark got like this. He hardly ever cried or got upset and when he did he never wanted to talk about it. Mark would always rather pretend everything was fine. Normally Jinyoung would let him be but last night was different. Jinyoung had never seen anyone cry like that before. It was gut-wrenching.

“Mark, I’m worried about you.”

The older boy only shrugged in response as if to say ‘so, what?’

“Look, I know last night wasn’t just about your family and feeling homesick. You know you can talk to me if something else is going on. If it’s the person you like-”

“Oh my fucking god, could you just stop? What? You’re annoyed cuz you wanna know who I like? Is that why you’re doing this? Can’t you keep your nosy ass out of my business for once?”

Jinyoung looked at the boy in front of him, his face contorted in annoyance. This was the first time Mark looked close to ugly in Jinyoung’s eyes and it felt... weird. Sure, he and Mark fought a lot, especially pre-debut, but the older boy had never said anything like that to Jinyoung.

Their fights had never gotten to Jinyoung like this. He couldn’t look at Mark anymore, his rhetorical question hanging in the air between them. Jinyoung breathed as evenly as his lungs would allow, fighting back the stinging in his eyes.

Jinyoung was sick of crying. Instead, he swallowed the lump in his throat, shaking himself a little and standing up. Mark maintained his scowl, but his eyes betrayed him and showed his confusion as he watched Jinyoung making his way over to stand beside Mark. Jinyoung reached into his pocket, pulling out Mark’s phone and holding it out to him. Jinyoung kept his eyes trained on the table in front of Mark, the silence becoming more awkward.

“Take it.” Jinyoung grit out, shoving the phone in Mark’s direction. The older boy wrapped his hand around the phone warily like he didn’t trust whatever Jinyoung was doing. Mark tried pulling it out of Jinyoung’s hand but the younger boy kept a tight grip on the device, making Mark look up in bewilderment. “That really fucking hurt,” Jinyoung said evenly, looking Mark dead in the eye for a second before letting go of the phone.

Jinyoung didn’t stay to see Mark’s reaction, turning his back on him and rushing out of the kitchen as fast as he could. Jinyoung blindly whipped around the corner and nearly walked straight into an eavesdropping Youngjae and Jaebum. The pair looked at him with matching pity-filled eyes that made his stomach twist and his face burn. Jaebum reached out to him, murmuring a gentle “’Nyoungie,” but Jinyoung was already pushing past them to the front door.

“I want to be alone. Follow me and you’ll live to regret it.” Jinyoung bit out without looking back. He tried to sound angry but it came out more like a tearful plea. Thankfully no one did follow him and he made it to the company in one piece.

***

Hours later, Jinyoung was still sitting in his studio, glowering down at the piece of paper in front of him. He wished he could forget the moment with the ice cream the other night. Nothing ever went Jinyoung’s way. He couldn't get the damn lines out of his mind.

Your ice cream-like scent
If it’s you, I’ll give you everything
Hold my hand…

Now it sat there on his desk, staring him down, daring him to put it in the song. Mark would pick up on the reference straight away. It'd be a confession of sorts. Jinyoung couldn't deal with that, but he couldn't forget the line. A sharp rapping at his closed door shook him out of his glaring match with the piece of paper.

“No!” Jinyoung yelled in the general direction of the door. It was probably Jaebum or Youngjae checking to see if things had calmed down. They hadn’t. Not for Jinyoung, anyway.

“Please, Jinyoung. I need help with the song. I swear I won’t mention the ‘M’ word.” BamBam’s voice came under the door. Obviously, the others had filled the younger ones in on what had happened.

‘Great everyone knows,’ Jinyoung thought bitterly. Pinching the bridge of his nose at a pounding headache that was taking root, Jinyoung walked towards the door. Unlocking the door and opening it a crack Jinyoung checked and was surprised to find BamBam alone. He’d been convinced this was all a ruse to trick him into sorting out his problems. After a swift survey of the corridor, Jinyoung pulled a relieved BamBam through the door, the young boy enthusiastically tripping across the threshold with handfuls of scattered sheets.

"You gotta help me, Jinyoung. I know I said I'd write a rap for the song but it's just not working. Could you look at what I have so far?" BamBam rambled in distress, looking slightly afraid that Jinyoung might snap him in two.

"To be honest, I don't think I'll be of much help but I'll take a look.” Jinyoung sighed, tiredly rubbing his eyes and gesturing for BamBam to take a seat.

Your shining skin, your sexy lips                                                                                                                                                                                                                              I can’t go on if it’s not you                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        So, baby welcome to my zone
In our own space, let’s spend time forever

“Hmm, could you rap them for me?” Jinyoung asked and BamBam complied, making a dissatisfied face at the end.

“Maybe you should add another line or two between the second and third line. It feels like you’re just kinda jumping from one concept to another.” Jinyoung advised, frowning down at BamBam’s notes. There were lines after lines of scribbled out words; Thai, Korean and English all mixed in.

“What’s this?” BamBam asked absentmindedly, swiftly picking up the sheet of paper Jinyoung had been glaring at and pulling it close to him so he could read it.

“Just some dumb stuff. It won’t be usable.” Jinyoung grumbled, attempting to take the sheet away from the younger boy. BamBam held it out of his reach, looking over the half-formed lyrics.

“Well, if you’re not going to use them could I at least see if they work in my rap?” Jinyoung hesitated to say yes. The lyrics were some of the more personal ones he’d ever written but if BamBam used them everyone would think BamBam had written them. It left Jinyoung and his feelings for Mark in the dark and maybe that was for the best.

“If you want to. Yeah, I guess, go ahead.”

“Thanks, man,” BamBam grinned, patting Jinyoung’s back before standing up and walking to the door. “And, uh, Jinyoung,” BamBam paused by the open door, looking sheepish. “I know I said I wouldn’t mention the ‘M’ word but just so you know he’s been really upset all day. And you don’t seem so happy yourself.” BamBam grimaced, rubbing his neck uncomfortably.

“So?” Jinyoung prompted, impatiently waiting for the other boy to leave him to wallow alone.

“I’m just saying, is whatever you fought about really that important?” BamBam challenged exasperatedly, shaking his head before finally leaving, pulling the door shut.

He sighed at the other boy’s words. Jinyoung’s first mistake was letting BamBam in and allowing the younger boy to distract him. Jinyoung’s second mistake was forgetting to lock the door again once BamBam had left. Less than an hour later the door was opening again and Jinyoung was closing his eyes in irritation.

“BamBam, any other day I swear I’d help you but I really don’t think I’ll be of much use.” Jinyoung tiredly admitted, not even bothering to look at the younger boy.

“It’s me.”

Jinyoung instantly froze. He hated that he knew Mark by his voice.

“I don’t want to see you.” Jinyoung kept his voice neutral and his eyes closed when he responded.

“I’m here to apologise.”

“Leave.” Jinyoung pressed, rubbing his temples.

“Jinyoungie -” Mark started and Jinyoung could almost see his expression despite his closed lids. The nickname prickled at Jinyoung’s nerves and he just lost it, the last few weeks all piling up on him at once.

“No! You don’t get to ‘Jinyoungie’ me.” Jinyoung suddenly snapped, standing up and wheeling around to face a stunned Mark. “Not after everything that’s happened. I can’t handle it anymore! You can’t just come in here with your sweet words and fake promises, telling me how much you care, how much you love me. It’s bullshit. You like someone else, not me.” Jinyoung practically spat, the words flying out of his mouth uncontrollably as all of his emotions boiled over. He was right up in Mark’s face and the other boy looked frozen in place. “I’m supposed to like girls like I always have but then you fucking show up and ruin everything! And I can’t even stay mad at you ‘cuz you’re so damn perfect with your stupid heart breaking smile, and soft hair and-and kissable lips. Do you know how unfair that is!? Do you have any idea how many times I’ve thought about leaning in and kissing you, you piece of absolute shit!?” Jinyoung demanded angrily, fuming at this point, having worked himself into such a state. He took a deep breath getting ready to continue his rant but the boy in front of him didn’t give Jinyoung a chance.

“You-you want to kiss me?” Mark stuttered, looking like he was either going to faint or vomit. Jinyoung hadn’t thought ahead, his mouth working a mile a minute. Mark was probably disgusted by all the stuff Jinyoung had just admitted.

“Does it matter?” Jinyoung countered, the realisation of what he’d done dawning on him, anxiety taking root in his chest. “You like someone else so-”

“It’s you.” Mark blurted, eyes blown wide as he invaded Jinyoung’s space, stepping closer.

“What?” Jinyoung squinted, genuinely confused.

“I-I like you.” Mark stammered, an odd mix of relief and sheer terror clear on his face. Meanwhile, Jinyoung’s world was tilting on its axis. Had he fallen asleep at the studio or something? This couldn’t be real.

All of a sudden Jinyoung felt a very real pair of lips against his, freezing him in place with his eyes wide open. Mark had his eyes scrunched shut, his hand now fisted in Jinyoung’s jumper as he pressed his lips to Jinyoung’s. It was awkward, neither of them moving, the initial pressure of Mark’s lips almost painful. Mark pulled away as quickly as he’d leaned in, his face flushed. Jinyoung’s brain felt like it was short circuiting, his eyes trained on Mark’s lips. It had been so short; the kiss. Jinyoung wanted more of those lips on his. He watched as Mark opened his mouth like he was going to say something but Jinyoung was sick of talking, they’d already said enough.

Placing his hands on either side of Mark’s neck Jinyoung drew the older boy in, hoping to silence any doubts Mark had. Mark didn’t move at first and Jinyoung nearly lost all of his bravado but then Mark kissed him back and it was everything Jinyoung had been yearning for the past who knew how long. They melted into each other, their lips moulding together, fitting like puzzle pieces like they belonged to one another. Mark’s hands naturally reached for Jinyoung’s waist, pulling the younger boy against him, pressing their bodies close until there was no longer space between them. One word rang in Jinyoung’s mind as Mark tilted his head to deepen the kiss.

‘Finally.’

Chapter Text

I'm sure some of you already know but for those of you who don't SHINee are my ultimates and this past week has been really hard for Hannah and I. We're both heartbroken by what happened and feel that it would best if we took a break from the fic for a while. I actually tried to write the other day as a way to distract myself but I just couldn't get anything to come out.
Jonghyun means a lot to the both us so we’ve both been really shaken. SHINee were my first K-Pop group and remained my ults for the past 2 and a half years so even listening to their music at the moment is tough. We're not abandoning the fic though. We can promise you that we’ll never abandon the fic. Like I said, it's just a break of sorts. We wish we could've let you all know sooner but this is the only chance we've gotten this week to sit down and write this out.
We've talked about it and we've decided not to post until after the 18th of January just to give time for things to finally set in and to allow for some time to mourn. We'll still be as active as we can on social media just in case anyone needs to/would like to talk to us. You can find links to our social media in the notes below. If you do need to talk then please do because I think we all need to look out for one another, especially right now. And please do take care of yourselves. You are incredibly important. Never forget that. Thank you for understanding. We love you all. <3 – LoLo & Hmd

And thank you to our hardworking Jonghyun. Thank you for always inspiring us and making life that bit easier with your existence. We’ll never forget you. Your pain is over now. Rest well, angel.

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Chapter Text

Youngjae loves to sleep. It was common knowledge that he was the hardest member to wake up. Once he went under he was dead to the world. It would often take an embarrassing amount of alarms and even one time Mark resorting to throwing Coco on Youngjae before he forced himself into opening his bleary eyes. However, that was on mornings when they had schedules. When they were on a break after promotions like they were now everyone let Youngjae sleep as long as he liked, providing he woke up before it got dark again. So, after staying up late into the night helping Jaebum contact Changsun, Youngjae had expected to be able to sleep most of the day away. He was wrong. Youngjae was literally tugged out of whatever dream he was having by something annoying shaking his shoulder with a frantic persistence. Youngjae groaned and attempted to roll away from whatever it was but he was kept in place, a gentle voice whispering next to him.

“Come on, sleepy head. Rise and shine, I need you to wake up.” The voice sounded familiar but Youngjae’s sleep-addled brain couldn’t be bothered to figure out exactly who it was that was trying to ruin his beauty sleep.

Youngjae only grunted in response, burying his face further into his warm pillow, eliciting a sigh from whoever was attacking him at whatever ungodly hour it was. He felt the hand that had been jostling him move away and Youngjae thought they had given up and he was finally going to get the sleep he deserved. Was Youngjae ever right about something? That familiar voice spoke up again, farther away this time.

“I didn’t want to have to do this but I’m a piece of shit and I need your help, so…” The voice trailed off, their words not making sense until Youngjae felt his duvet being wrenched away from him. The cold winter air of their poorly heated dorm hit him like a gale force wind. He immediately curled further in on himself, hissing at the goose-bumps he could feel forming on his exposed legs. Youngjae cursed himself for only wearing boxers and a shirt to bed but he cursed whoever thought they could just take his precious duvet away even more. He squinted his eyes, looking around for the culprit. Eventually, his eyes landed on Jaebum kneeling beside his bed, his head resting on his arms which were placed on Youngjae’s mattress. His stupid smiling face was only inches from Youngjae’s, the playful glint in his eyes causing Youngjae’s eyes to narrow in suspicion “I’m not dreaming, am I?”

“Good morning, sunshine.” Jaebum murmured softly, hitting Youngjae with a strong sense of déjà vu. It was just like the old days, Jaebum waking him up with tender smiles and gentle words, except this time the asshole had ripped his duvet from Youngjae. The younger boy held onto that small fact to keep himself grounded, to stop himself from romanticising this whole thing, to keep his thoughts for Jaebum purely platonic. The idiot was a duvet thief. With his best scowl, Youngjae reached down and pulled his duvet back up, swaddling himself in the warm material.

“Why are you like this?” Youngjae croaked, rolling over so he wouldn’t have to face Jaebum. It was far too early for his heart to be under this much duress. Unfortunately, he could still hear Jaebum chuckling softly behind him in the quiet of his room.

“Still a morning person so I see.” Youngjae heard Jaebum mutter under his breath, something tugging on his duvet and threatening to pull it away again.

“Stop,” Youngjae whined, long and drawn out as he clutched onto the warm blanket.

“I just need your expert advice again and then I’ll let you go back to sleep, I promise,” Jaebum murmured, sounding sincere. Youngjae didn’t know what the hell could be so important at this hour but knowing how stubborn Jaebum was Youngjae knew he should just get this over with.

“What do you want?” Youngjae yawned, finally turning around, still bundled in his duvet with his eyes shut tight.

“Changsun messaged me back.” Youngjae opened his tired eyes at Jaebum’s words. Jaebum was staring down at the phone that he was playing with in his hands. “He wants me to prove I’m actually me before he agrees to keep talking to me, but I don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to do that.” Jaebum sighed, looking up at Youngjae like he had all the answers.

“Uh,” Youngjae stalled, sitting up, the duvet wrapped around his shoulders like a shawl. He rubbed his forehead as if he could wipe away his sleepiness. A mild headache started up instead as his brain trudged slowly to think of something.

“Selfie?” Youngjae suggested, groaning as he squished his face into his hands.

“I already sent him one. He’s not buying it because there are literally thousands of photos of me online apparently. So then I sent him one with me holding up a sheet of paper saying his name, right?” Youngjae grunted to let Jaebum know he was still listening, unable to open his eyes. “But he said I could’ve easily edited it! Like, what the hell? Do people really do that?” Jaebum sounded incredulous. The poor guy could be so naïve sometimes.

“Ugh, yes, you actual senior citizen,” Youngjae groused into the palm of his hands. “Of course they do. It’s the internet.” He lifted his head enough to send wide-eyed Jaebum his best withering look. Youngjae swears sometimes he thinks Jaebum is actually a seventy-year-old man in disguise. He likes cats, makes terrible jokes, has never been great in dealing with any form of technology and his muscles are always stiff. Youngjae wouldn’t be surprised if Jaebum decided to take up knitting.

“Well, what am I supposed to do now then?” Jaebum pouted and honestly, Youngjae was losing the small amount of patience he had been holding onto this early in the morning. How the hell could Jaebum go from an old man to an endearing soft boy in a matter of seconds?

“I don’t know,” Youngjae whined, using his tiredness as an excuse to look away from Jaebum, pressing his palms to his closed eyes. “Is there something that you have, like a photo of the two of you as kids or anything you kept of his? Like, just something no one else would know about or be able to fake, y’know? Maybe then he’d believe you.” Youngjae really just wished Jaebum would leave him alone to get a couple more hours of sleep before he had to head to the studio. The older boy was quiet for a beat and Youngjae hoped this would be the end of it, hoped that Jaebum would realise that cranky, sleep-deprived Youngjae was not the person to ask for intelligent ideas. That he’d let Youngjae sleep and stop looking at him with those sparkling eyes of his.  

“Banie.” Jaebum exhaled so quietly Youngjae almost didn’t even hear him speak.

“What?” Youngjae asked, propping his head up with his hand to look at a now standing Jaebum.

“Banie!” Jaebum exclaimed excitedly, louder now with a huge smile on his face as he stared down at Youngjae. “Oh my god, you’re a genius, Youngjae! What would I do without you?” Jaebum laughed giddily, stepping closer like he was going to touch Youngjae but he stopped short, clearly thinking better of it. Youngjae lied to himself and pretended not to be disappointed. The way Jaebum’s eyes stared off into nothing as he continued to speak made it seem like his mind was lost in the past.  “Oh, I hope he remembers him! He wouldn’t forget Banie would-”

“Shush, you’re being loud,” Youngjae hushed him mid-rant, finger to his lips. He scooted closer to the wall before patting the empty space beside him. Jaebum stared blankly down at the mattress like he didn’t know what to do with himself. “Sit down,” Youngjae pressed with the most sincere smile he could muster at this hour. Still, Jaebum hesitated, this lost look in his eyes that drove Youngjae to do what he did next. “Come on,” Youngjae mumbled, leaning across the small gap to grab Jaebum’s wrist, lightly pulling him onto the bed. The older boy let himself be pulled, sort of flopping himself beside Youngjae in stunned silence. “Watching you jump around was making me more exhausted than I already am,” Youngjae muttered, letting Jaebum’s arm fall by his side, tucking his own hand back under the duvet. Jaebum looked like he was going to apologise but Youngjae was sick of the word sorry. “Now tell me, what in the world is Banie?” Youngjae asked brightly, not letting Jaebum get a word in.

“Not a what, but a who.” Jaebum corrected him, a fond look in his eye as he looked down at Youngjae’s crinkled sheets. “He was my and Changsun’s pet in school. Neither of us were allowed have pets because his house was too small and well my mother was, y’know, my mother.” Jaebum grimaced, Youngjae nodding grimly along. Just thinking about what Jaebum’s mum had put the older through made Youngjae’s blood boil. “But we both loved animals,” Jaebum swiftly moved on. “And one day we found these kids in our class messing around with a bunch of worms in the playground at lunch. They were torturing the poor things, chopping them into tiny pieces, stepping on them.” Jaebum was frowning down at his clenched fists, the disgust still clear in his voice after all these years. “Changsun and I were already kinda considered the weirdo kids so we really had nothing to lose. We stopped them and actually managed to save one worm that they’d been cutting in half. Looking back on it, I think he kinda reminded us both of ourselves so we kept him and looked after him. Changsun hid him in his room and brought him to school so I could see him every day. We named him Jeolban. Banie for short.” Jaebum’s lips quirked up fondly at the memory. Youngjae’s heart instantly fluttered, a warmth spreading in his chest and he hated it. He watched as Jaebum ducked his head and started typing on his phone, probably sending that message to Changsun.

“I think,” Youngjae started, grabbing Jaebum’s attention, his fingers hovering over his lit screen. “That that’s the cutest thing I’ve ever heard.” Youngjae finished, not even bothering to try to hide his coy grin.

“Says you,” Jaebum smirked, rolling his eyes.

“What?” Youngjae asked, letting out a short giggle.

“You’re kidding, right?” Jaebum demanded, eyes wide like he was on the verge of laughing. “You’re pretty much the embodiment of cute. I mean, look at you right now. You’re like an adorable Youngjae burrito with your hair all sticking up and those sleepy eyes yet you’re ‘aww-ing’ at my freaky worm story.” Jaebum scoffed, shaking his head and chuckling to himself. Youngjae couldn’t take his eyes off Jaebum as each word fell from the older boy’s mouth, addictively dripping like sweet honey. Youngjae’s brain took far too long to process what Jaebum had just said. Was he still dreaming or did he hear the older boy wrong?

“Cute?” Youngjae clarified, praying that Jaebum didn’t notice how strangled his voice sounded.

“Yeah, of course. It’s like an irrefutable fact, you know?” Jaebum shrugged, back to typing on his phone. “Like the fact the sky is blue or that Bammie is really loud. Choi Youngjae is cute.” Jaebum concluded with a little nod, glancing up to give Youngjae one of the sweetest smiles the younger boy had ever been on the receiving end of. Youngjae could feel his face heating up and forced himself to focus on the wall, the door, anything that wasn’t the boy beside him. “Especially when he gets all shy and blushes,” Jaebum added teasingly, the grin evident in his voice. Youngjae wished he could sink through the bed onto the floor which would open up and swallow him whole.

“Shut up. You’re so annoying.” Youngjae rebuked, scowling for good measure.

“The more you pout, the more you prove my point.” Jaebum leaned in closer, sounding smug and Youngjae snapped. He shoved the boy beside him, half out of embarrassment and a need to create distance and the other half out of actual irritation.

“Hey, watch the phone! You’re going to make me send him that poop emoji or something.” Jaebum complained even though Youngjae bumping shoulders with him had barely jostled the older boy.

“If you’re so worried then focus on your typing not-- gah!” Youngjae screeched, his sentence cut short by Jaebum tickling his side, sending Youngjae into a fit of giggles. Jaebum knew all his weak points, where he was the most ticklish, and shamelessly exploited this. Their yells and squeals filled the room, Jaebum’s phone forgotten on Youngjae’s mattress. All of Youngjae’s limbs were flailing around like an octopus to stop the onslaught of tickles while he gasped around his own laughter. His bed was a single bed, made for one person, so two grown men having a tickle fight really wasn’t suitable.

Jaebum ended up on the floor after one of Youngjae’s knees hit his side, sending the older boy rolling off the edge. He landed with a loud thump on his butt. There was a beat of silence where the two boys just looked at each other before spluttering into roaring laughter. Youngjae collapsed onto his bed, halfway off the mattress as uncontrollable laughter wracked his body while Jaebum lay curled in on himself on the cold floor, tearing up from the hilarity of the situation. Jaebum’s eyes were shut tight as his mouth hung open wide like he was baring his teeth as his boisterous laugh filled the room. Youngjae’s sides were starting to ache from the waves of laughter that refused to stop. It was a nice pain, like the one that comes after stretching a muscle you haven’t used in a long time. Looking at Jaebum’s toothy grin lead Youngjae’s thoughts back to the confusingly sweet words of the older boy.

‘I’m cute, huh? Says you.’ Youngjae thought, smiling to himself as his lungs continued to gasp for air.

“Do you guys have to be so loud?” A voice from the bed opposite whined, interrupting Youngjae’s thoughts. Mark was sitting up and staring at the pair of them, a knowing smile on his face. Youngjae didn’t trust that look on Mark.

“Oh, sorry man,” Jaebum wheezed, still chuckling to himself. “I just needed Youngjae’s help with something. I didn’t mean to wake you. I’ll let you both go back to sleep.” Jaebum stood up, eyes still shining, his lips tugged into a smile. “Thanks again, Jae.” Jaebum beamed, reaching over and ruffling Youngjae’s hair. He could feel his face heating up as Jaebum turned around and headed for the door. Youngjae glanced over at Mark to see him with an eyebrow raised, smirking.  The younger boy ducked his head as he heard Jaebum and Mark exchange goodbyes, ignoring how in his peripheral he could see Mark blatantly staring him down. 

The second the door clicked shut Youngjae scrambled to get himself back under his covers as if his duvet could protect him from what was about to happen. Youngjae could hear the familiar sound of feet shuffling across their floor and braced himself for Mark falling on top of him. Nonetheless, Youngjae yelped at the impact, rolling around to try toss Mark off of him but that boy was relentless.

“Oh no you don’t, mister,” Mark said determinedly, latching on to Youngjae’s duvet, letting himself be a dead weight on the other. “You’re explaining exactly how Im Jaebum ended up in our room, more importantly in your bed, talking about how cute you are,” Mark ordered, his voice somewhat muffled by the fact he was pressing his face into the sheets.  

“Woah, wait! You heard that?” Youngjae struggled to get up so he could see Mark properly. The older boy didn’t budge, leaving Youngjae with his face squished up against the mattress. “I thought you just woke up?”

“Nah. I think I woke up the second he came in here if I’m being honest. You’re both so loud,” Mark complained, drumming his hands on top of Youngjae’s back like a reprimand. “The two of you really don’t seem to grasp the concept of indoor voices but that’s not the point. He called you a burrito and said you were cute. Have I missed something? Has Jaebum finally realised what he’s been missing out on?” Mark’s tone was joking but there was an unmistakable enthusiasm there as if there was something to be excited about as if something was happening.

This was slowly becoming a problem. The way Mark looked at Jaebum and him with hopeful eyes whenever they interacted hadn’t gone unnoticed by Youngjae. Mark never said it outright but it was almost like he was rooting for Jaebum and him to get together. It was as if all the things Jaebum had said and done were a mere speed bump in their relationship. As if now that all the tears had been shed and apologies accepted Jaebum would just magically catch feelings for Youngjae.

“You and I both know he didn’t mean it like that,” Youngjae whispered, closing his eyes. He was tired of this; the constant does he or does he not. It always ended with one answer but for some reason, Youngjae kept coming back to it.

“Are you telling me that wasn’t flirting I heard just now?” Mark snorted. He sounded so sure of himself but he didn’t know anything concrete. Youngjae had been here before countless times. He’d stayed up hours on end, night after night, thinking about this, dissecting every little thing Jaebum did. He knew Jaebum better than Mark, regardless of the older two becoming closer recently. He knew how this scenario played out; Youngjae would get his hopes, fall harder for Jaebum and Jaebum would go about his life as if nothing had happened.

“You’re wrong. He’s probably just trying to get on my good side again. He always used to say nice things like that. They never meant what I wanted them to mean. Nothing’s changed.” Youngjae rushed out, his words clipped and angry. He didn’t mean to take his frustration out on Mark. He wasn’t mad at him, not really. He wasn’t even that mad at Jaebum. He was mad at himself. There was a pause where Mark shifted around on top of Youngjae, repositioning himself so he wasn’t just lying heavily on top of Youngjae but rather had his arms wrapped around the younger boy.

“You know,” Mark started, voice hushed and tentative like Youngjae was a skittish animal that would flee at any second. “Only the other day he was asking me about my ex-boyfriends. He seemed genuinely interested. We actually talk about sexuality a lot and how it’s not just a binary-”

“He’s straight.” Youngjae cut in, both his irritation and exhaustion adding a sense of finality to his words.

“Ok, fine.” Mark acquiesced, hugging Youngjae closer even though the younger boy was clearly still on edge. “I guess it doesn’t matter anyway because you’re with Charlie now and he makes you happy, right?”

Youngjae’s stomach knotted with guilt. Not once in the past few minutes had he thought of Charlie. Not when Jaebum had been sitting in his bed. Not even when Mark had suggested Jaebum was flirting with Youngjae.

“Yup.” Youngjae agreed, the words heavy on his tongue.

***

Youngjae didn’t see Jaebum until the next day. Both were so busy they didn’t cross each other’s paths. Youngjae had been wondering about the Changsun situation but he felt awkward asking Jaebum for an update over breakfast. It really wasn’t his place to ask. Still, he burned with curiosity all day. Youngjae kept himself busy with practice and songwriting during the day but once dinner had been finished up and everyone went their separate ways he was at a loss at what to do with himself. He eventually decided upon playing around on his laptop until he exhausted himself into sleep. It managed to distract Youngjae enough so that he only vaguely registered Mark stumbling in after practice to collapse on his bed immediately. Once Mark was snoring Youngjae didn’t expect his door to creak open at two in the morning, a line of lighting eating into the dark room. He certainly didn’t expect for Jaebum to be the one peaking his head in. Youngjae paused the game he’d been playing on his laptop, pushing his headphones off his head.

“Gaming?” Jaebum asked with a knowing smile. Youngjae quickly shushed him, jumping up to hurriedly usher Jaebum out of the room. He was painfully aware of a snoring Mark in the bed beside him and would rather avoid a repeat of the other morning. “What?” Jaebum asked loudly like he wanted to wake that meddler Mark up. Youngjae pressed a finger to his own lips, waiting for Jaebum to mimic him before continuing.   

“Mark’s sleeping,” Youngjae explained quietly, blinking his eyes at the bright light in the hall. “Come on, we can talk in the living room,” Youngjae suggested, gently grabbing Jaebum’s wrist and leading the older boy down the hall.

Youngjae’s brain only seemed to catch up with his body’s actions after it was too late. He considered letting go, but wouldn’t that make things more awkward? He’d just hold out. The walk to the living room was short. He’d be fine. Why then did it feel like it was taking them a year to get to the couch? Youngjae made the mistake of glancing back at Jaebum. The older boy was staring straight at him a huge grin splitting his face in half. Youngjae nearly stumbled over his feet at the sight.

“What are you smiling at?” Youngjae blurted out, dropping Jaebum’s wrist hastily like it had burned him. The rebuke didn’t seem to faze Jaebum at all, rather it made his smile impossibly wider.

“You,” Jaebum responded, not a hint of mirth in his voice or eyes. Youngjae hated it. He hated how he felt his cheeks turning red like they had the other morning, he hated how his heart felt like it would burst out of his chest. Youngjae hated how confused he was. It was like he’d traveled back in time to when Jaebum used to shower him in affection and nice words like the past few months hadn’t happened. He’d missed this Jaebum, of course, but it was frustrating and scary. Youngjae couldn’t let himself fall back into their old habits. What if Jaebum was just going to turn around and hate him again as he did before? How could Jaebum so easily say all these nice things and mean them after months of homophobic abuse?

“Stop it,” Youngjae ordered, clearly irritated, dropping Jaebum’s arm roughly before proceeding to stalk over to the couch. He’d barely made it halfway across the room when he felt a hand clasp around his own wrist, forcing him to turn around.

“Stop what?” Jaebum asked, appearing genuinely confused at the shift in Youngjae’s mood.

“This.” Youngjae yanked his hand free from Jaebum’s grasp, gesturing between the two of them. “All of this. You pretending like just a few months ago you didn’t hate me, that you weren’t disgusted by the thought of even touching me, because you did and you were. I just don’t trust this new ‘accepting’ Jaebum, ok? It’s just too good to be true. What? Am I supposed to think that after a few therapy sessions that you’re completely ok with me? With who I am? I can’t do that because it’ll hurt more if you push me away again.” Youngjae ended his rant slightly out of breath. Jaebum was staring at him again. He didn’t have that beautiful smile anymore, now his eyes looked pained, his jaw clenched.

“I never hated you. I’ll say it as many times as you need me to but I could never hate you.” Jaebum said, deathly serious. Youngjae couldn’t look at him but he saw from the corner of his eye that Jaebum was moving to sit on the couch. “I understand why you can’t trust me. I wouldn’t either.” Jaebum sighed, looking down at his feet. “I’ll be honest with you I still have trouble wrapping my head around some stuff. I can’t undo years of brainwashing in a few weeks, you’re right, but god, I really am trying. I want all of this toxic shit out of my head. You, the guys, the fans, you’re all more important.” Jaebum insisted unabashedly, staring up at Youngjae who remained standing. “I’m not faking it and I’m not trying to trick you. It might sound like bullshit but I swear it was a lot harder for me to treat you like that. It went against all my instincts. I was so conflicted. I hated how I was acting and I missed you so much.” Jaebum paused as he collected himself. “Whereas how I’m living now… I feel is more… I don’t know… natural? That’s not the right word but what I mean is, that… I’m doing things because I want to, not because society or my mother says I’m supposed to. Does that make sense?” Jaebum asked, looking expectantly up at Youngjae.

The younger boy didn’t think he’d be asked to contribute to this little speech of Jaebum’s. Caught off guard he just numbly nodded. That seemed to suffice as Jaebum nodded back before going on.

“So when I say I’m smiling because of you that’s not a lie or something I’m saying to get on your good side. It’s just the truth.” Jaebum shrugged, bashfully laughing at himself a little. “As cheesy as it sounds you’re the reason behind most of my smiles actually. Maybe it’s selfish of me but I wanna keep smiling. I know saying all this won’t make you believe me or gain your trust back instantly or anything like that. I wasn’t consciously acting a certain way around you I was just doing what felt right. I’m sorry if that made you uncomfortable. I can keep my distance if you want.” Jaebum apologised, looking like he felt genuinely bad. Youngjae didn’t want him to keep his distance. The younger boy kept quiet, unable to articulate this feeling. “I just hope you give me a chance to prove to you how much you mean to me and let me show you how I’ve changed.” There was a silence and Youngjae realised now was when he had to say something.

A small “ok” was the best Youngjae could do as he sat down beside Jaebum on the couch.

“Ok?”

“I’ll give you a chance. A real one. I’ll lower my guard a little and try to trust you again. I’m not going to make any promises but…I’ve missed you too.”

“Really?” Jaebum looked like he couldn’t believe his luck.

“Of course you were my best friend-”

“Were?” Jaebum interrupted, eyebrows raised. Youngjae uselessly tried to backtrack on what he said but Jaebum stopped him with a good-natured laugh. “No, it’s fine, I deserve that. I’m guessing Mark took my spot? For what it’s worth I still consider you my best friend. Just don’t tell Jinyoung that.”

“I hate to break it to you but I think he’s cheating on you with Mark. Jinyoung told Mark he was his best friend.” Youngjae mock-whispered conspiratorially, even feigning to look behind his shoulder despite them both knowing they were the only ones up right now.

“I’m wounded. What does he have that I don’t?” Jaebum exaggeratedly cried out, playing along perfectly as he gripped a hand over his heart. Youngjae couldn’t contain his smile as he shrugged.

“You need to step up your game.” Youngjae teased. This was all familiar territory to him. They both knew their scripts so well and loved reciting them, the pair nearly giddy with how much they’d missed one another.

“I will,” Jaebum responded, somber. His brown eyes staring into Youngjae’s far too intense and for far too long. Youngjae broke eye contact first, desperate for something to distract them both from how close they had become on that small couch. Youngjae glanced down and saw a paper bag in Jaebum’s hand. Did he have that the whole time?

“Youngj-”

“What’s that?” Youngjae interrupted, almost regretting not hearing what Jaebum might have said. Almost.

“Oh!” Jaebum exclaimed happily as if he had forgotten the existence of the bag. “Yeah, so, Changsun messaged me back and we’re meeting up and since it’s all your doing I thought it was only right to get you a thank you gift,” Jaebum explained, rushing his words out of excitement, barely taking a breath. Youngjae opened his mouth to say something but Jaebum was steamrolling on ahead. “And I know you’re going to say I shouldn’t have but that’s too bad because I already have and it’s nothing big, I promise. I just, uh, wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you. I mean, what you did.” Jaebum fumbled with the bag before dropping it on Youngjae’s lap. The younger boy looked down at the bag a little caught off guard. “Open it.” Jaebum pushed, nudging Youngjae with his shoulder and eyeing the bag in anticipation. “Go on.”

Hesitantly, Youngjae reached into the small bag feeling something soft brush his fingers. He’s not sure what he expected but to say he was confused when he pulled out two small pieces of fabric was an understatement. Once Youngjae flattened out the two items he could see they were a tiny yellow hoody and four equally as small socks.

“Uh…thank you but, um, I don’t think they’ll fit.” Youngjae stuttered, not wanting to seem ungrateful as he turned them over in his hands. It was kind of a shame they weren’t big enough because they were actually pretty cute.

“What? Oh, they’re not for you to wear! They’re for Coco,” Jaebum chuckled, the realisation making Youngjae feel like an idiot. “I know you love dressing her up and I saw the little shoes online so I thought since it’s so cold it’d be easier for you and her to go on walks cuz her feet will be warm. Oh god, should I have gotten you something instead? Do you hate it? You hate it, don’t you?”

“No, no! I love it and so will she.” Youngjae reassured, holding the tiny outfit up to look at them. “It’s going to start snowing soon so these will actually be super handy. Thank you, Jaebum.” Youngjae smiled sweetly, Jaebum’s wide smile from earlier making a return.

“You’re welcome, Youngjae.”  

***

Jaebum groggily walked into the kitchen a few mornings later, eyes half closed and drool drying on his chin. He froze halfway to the kettle once he realised he wasn’t alone. Mark sat at the table staring off into space, completely unaware of Jaebum’s presence.

“Hey, Mark. You ok?” Jaebum asked, his voice jolting the older boy out of his reverie. It was eerie how quickly Mark plastered a smile on his face. The smile was weak and didn’t meet the older boy’s eyes, failing to fool Jaebum.

“Yeah. What’s up?” Mark croaked, clearing his throat and averting his eyes as he pulled his hood up. Jaebum noted that Mark was wearing the same clothes as yesterday but made no comment.

‘Has he even slept?’ Jaebum worried internally as he maneuvered himself over to the counter.

“Nothing. You’re just never up this early.” Jaebum said out loud instead, keeping his voice light as he flicked the kettle on, the rumbling water filling the silence.

“Yeah.” Mark murmured barely loud enough for Jaebum to hear.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Jaebum tried, twisting his head around to watch Mark’s expression. The blank look in Mark’s eyes was momentarily besieged by a sadness Jaebum had never seen on Mark. Jaebum felt his own heart clench at the sight but then he blinked and Mark seemed fine again as he shrugged his shoulders.

“Those stupid protein boosters. They have caffeine in them or something.” Mark laughed it off but neither boy believed the strangled sound.

“Mmm.” Jaebum hummed noncommittedly. Something was clearly wrong but Mark was a tough cookie to crack. Jaebum would have to venture carefully if he was going to be of any help. If you pushed Mark it only ever made things worse, both for Mark and the rest of the group. They laughed about it now but they all remembered the laptop incident. Jaebum would rather avoid a repeat of that. BamBam still flinches when Mark moves too fast around any form of technology. He considered waking Youngjae or Jinyoung up for a second. They’d know what to do, but then again it would be painfully obvious if Jaebum just left and returned back with one of them. Mark wouldn’t be impressed and he and Jaebum had just started to get close again. Jaebum needed to say or do something though because the silence between was stretching and becoming painful.

“How about I make us breakfast?” Jaebum suggested impulsively, cringing at his own dumb idea. They both knew full well Jaebum was a pretty shitty cook. Instant ramen was his specialty. Mark didn’t seem to think anything amiss, faintly nodding as he continued to play with his hands.

As best he could Jaebum fried some eggs while the rice cooker did all the work on the rice front. He put way too much oil on the pan but thankfully the dorm didn’t end up in flames and the eggs remained mostly unburnt. Jaebum chattered away as he cooked, Mark contributing to the conversation with intermittent grunts and “uh-huh”s. It was a pretty basic breakfast; over-cooked rice and a fried egg, but Mark seemed appreciative, giving Jaebum his first genuine smile of the morning. Jaebum finished his plate quickly enough while Mark’s looked barely touched as he moved his food around the plate slowly. Jaebum got up and cleaned his plate, deciding to make himself some more coffee before he started asking Mark what was on his mind. Surprisingly, the older boy spoke up first catching Jaebum off guard as he stood leaning against the counter, mug halfway to his lips.

“Youngjae showed me the outfit you got Coco. He loves it.” Mark commented, nodding as the dog of the hour trotted into the kitchen.

“Oh, good.” Jaebum perked up. “He said he liked it when I gave it to him but Youngjae’s so nice he’d feel bad saying otherwise, y’know? I was actually considering getting him a matching hoody but then I thought that’s kind of like getting a couple outfit for him and his dog which is pretty weird-”

“Mark.” Jinyoung shakily exhaled from the threshold, seemingly just appearing there out of thin air. Jinyoung didn’t even seem to notice Jaebum was in the room. There was this look in his eye that Jaebum couldn’t place but that he’d never seen in Jinyoung before. He was staring at Mark with a softness that seemed different. Jaebum couldn’t figure it out. Mark wasn’t returning the look, now occupied with his phone. Jaebum looked between Mark, who was now scrolling through his phone, and an exhausted-looking Jinyoung. Youngjae came up behind Jinyoung, locking eyes with Jaebum, mirroring the worry in them that no doubt showed in Jaebum’s own eyes. The younger boy moved around a frozen Jinyoung and Jaebum assumed he was heading towards Mark but no. Youngjae came to stand beside Jaebum, leaning into him a little, their shoulders not quite touching.

Mark didn’t look at Jinyoung when he replied with a casual “Sup?” even popping the p at the end. Jinyoung visibly twitched but kept his voice calm as he walked towards Mark.

“Can I talk to you in private?” Jinyoung asked, his focus solely on Mark. Jaebum turned to Youngjae to ask him what was going on but the younger boy signaled him to be quiet.

“I’m busy right now.” Mark yawned, surprising Jaebum with how he was acting around Jinyoung. Mark hadn’t been this standoffish with Jaebum this morning. It was becoming pretty clear what, or more so who, was bothering Mark. Jaebum felt for Jinyoung who didn’t hide the look of disappointment at Mark’s behaviour. He could see the younger boy taking a deep breath, trying to keep calm.

“It’s important.” Jinyoung pushed, taking a seat opposite Mark at the table. “We need to talk about last night.” That got a reaction out of Mark; his hands faltering over his phone screen. He wasn’t the only one. Youngjae slightly tensed at Jinyoung’s words. Jaebum looked over at the other boy but Youngjae was staring at Mark, looking as confused as Jaebum felt. Mark’s bitter response tore Jaebum’s attention away from Youngjae.

“No. We don’t.”

Wrong answer.

“Yes, we do.” Jinyoung insisted Jaebum could see he was getting worked up. If Mark didn’t start responding properly and talk it out things would spill over. Mark knew this but he seemed to be ignoring all sense, refusing to meet Jinyoung’s eyes. Jaebum wasn’t even surprised when Jinyoung reached across the small table and snatched Mark’s phone right out of the older boy’s hands. Jinyoung seemed satisfied with himself though smirking as he pocketed Mark’s phone, sitting back and crossing his arms nonchalantly.

“Hey, what the fuck?!” Mark shouted, causing both Jaebum and Youngjae to jump on the spot. Jaebum felt Youngjae grab his pyjama shirt, curling his fist into the material in fear. That decided it. Jaebum was getting involved and ending it.

“Guys,” Jaebum warned in his best I’m-the-leader-so-don’t-mess-with-me voice. He pushed himself off the counter, Youngjae’s hand letting go of his shirt in the process. Jaebum pretended not to notice as he stood at the side of the table between his two fighting idiot friends. “Look, whatever’s happened, let’s just talk it out like adults,” Jaebum suggested as calmly as he could but it seemed to fall on deaf ears as Mark just scoffed at him, crossing his own arms; mimicking Jinyoung. Jaebum was dealing with two toddlers.

Just like a child, Mark stared down at the table, refusing to meet Jaebum’s eyes. Both Jinyoung and Mark were too stubborn for their own good. Sometimes the pair were too alike. Jaebum scanned the kitchen for anything that could be thrown. They were safe. Jaebum sighed in relief, preparing a speech about the importance of teamwork and resolving conflicts as maturely as possible. Youngjae’s hand on his arm made him pause, looking to the younger boy curiously.

“I know that you’re trying to be a responsible leader but I think we should let them figure it out themselves,” Youngjae whispered clearly, loud enough for Mark and Jinyoung to hear. Mark huffed at the display, earning him a stern look from Youngjae. Jaebum looked between his two friends again, trying to assess the situation. They both looked sleep deprived and ready to fight as if they were looking for a reason to spit words at one another. Leaving them to it might end up in a screaming match that won’t sort anything out but then again Jaebum has no idea why they’re both so upset. Before Jaebum could think it through further he felt Youngjae wrapping both his hands around Jaebum’s arm tugging him in the direction of the living room, a cute pout on his lips. Jaebum forgot for a second what he was about to say.

“But-” Jaebum started, his protests giving way to Youngjae once the younger boy trailed one of his hands down to hold Jaebum’s, squeezing his hand gently. Instinctually Jaebum’s fingers intertwined with Youngjae’s as if he’d never had a choice in the matter.

“Come on.” Youngjae softly murmured, dragging Jaebum out of the kitchen with ease. It was scary how easily Youngjae could wrap Jaebum around his little finger. 

Once they were out of the kitchen Jaebum moved as if to head towards the door but Youngjae’s hand in his kept him in place. The younger boy was hovering just around the corner of the kitchen door, his ear as close to the entrance as possible.

“What are you doing?” Jaebum demanded, getting a sharp shush and glare from Youngjae.

“Listening, obviously,” Youngjae whispered, pulling Jaebum by his hand closer so he could hear too. It didn’t seem right to eavesdrop but Jaebum had done a lot worse in the past few months. Plus, if it meant he could keep holding Youngjae’s hand he’d do it.

“Give me my phone back.” Jaebum could hear Mark say. His voice sounded cold and distant.

“Not until we talk about last night,” Jinyoung responded, not giving in just like Jaebum expected. Youngjae inhaled sharply, eyes widening.

“What happened last night?” Jaebum whispered, poking Youngjae’s side to get his attention. The younger boy squeaked, turning on Jaebum to slap him on the chest. Youngjae was much stronger than he realised and Jaebum swears he was winded for a second.

“Could you be quiet?” Youngjae snipped, straining himself to hear Mark and Jinyoung.

“You nearly kill me with your fucking slaps-” Jaebum hissed, still wheezy but Youngjae cut him off with another sharp elbow to the ribs. Over his own heavy breathing, Jaebum could hear Mark’s voice rising angrily.

“Oh my fucking god, could you just stop? What? You’re annoyed cuz you wanna know who I like? Is that why you’re doing this? Can’t you keep your nosy ass out of my business for once?”

Oh god, he’s really done it now. Jinyoung will be either furious or worse; upset. Mark knew just like Jaebum exactly where to hit Jinyoung to get under his skin. Youngjae seemed to realise that Mark had fucked up too, closing his eyes in dismay and squeezing Jaebum’s hand tensely. He didn’t seem to notice he was doing it until Jaebum squeezed back reassuringly. Youngjae looked at him briefly before they heard Jinyoung’s voice from inside, both focusing back on the situation in the kitchen.

“Take it.” Jinyoung bit out, the tone of voice sending a shiver down Jaebum’s spine. He could just imagine the deathly glare Jinyoung was sending Mark’s way. Jinyoung sounded calm. An angry but collected Jinyoung was worse than an emotional one. He’d hold a grudge. There was a frosty silence before Jinyoung’s voice floated to them again. “That really fucking hurt.”

Mark still wasn’t saying anything and Jaebum didn’t blame him. Jinyoung could be terrifying as hell when he wanted to. There was shuffling this time and Jaebum thought maybe Mark had stood up. Youngjae realised what was happening before Jaebum did, attempting to back away from the door. They weren’t quick enough though as Jinyoung nearly ran straight into Youngjae and Jaebum. Jinyoung’s eyes were bright with unshed tears, his cheeks red with frustration. Jaebum felt guilty at the look of betrayal on his friend’s face. He should’ve convinced Youngjae to leave the dorm or go to their rooms or anything else. Jaebum reached out to him murmuring a gentle “’Nyoungie,” but Jinyoung just pushed past him, heading straight for the front door.

“I want to be alone. Follow me and you’ll live to regret it.” Jinyoung spat without looking back, his voice sounding choked. Jaebum tried to follow him but Youngjae held him back, rubbing soothingly at Jaebum’s knuckles.

“Let him cool down. We should check on Mark.”

They both looked into the kitchen where Mark was still sitting, his face turned towards the ceiling. The door slammed loudly with Jinyoung’s exit. The sound seemed to snap something in Mark as he fell forward, hiding his face in his hands as a sob ripped through him. Youngjae dropped Jaebum’s hand instantly and ran to Mark’s side, holding the older boy tight. Mark latched onto Youngjae, crying into the younger boy’s shoulder, mumbling unintelligibly. Jaebum slowly made his over to the pair. The closer he got he could pick out a few words.

“I’m such an idiot…I’m…so fucking in love with him…and now…he hates me…” Mark blubbered into Youngjae, unaware of Jaebum’s presence, unlike the younger boy who was looking fearfully up at Jaebum. His brain took a minute to understand what Mark’s words meant but when he did it felt like a light had been turned on. ‘Oh.’

“Y-you-you’re in love with Jinyoung?” Jaebum asked incredulously, dumbfounded by the bomb Mark had just dropped on him. He had a million other questions he wanted to ask that he couldn’t stop from spilling out. “H-how long?” Jaebum’s eyes whip to Youngjae who seems unfazed by what Mark just let slip. “You knew? Does anyone else know? Wait! Does Jinyoung-?” Jaebum didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence before he had a desperate tearful Mark in his face.

“Oh my god, Jaebum, no! You, you c-can’t tell him. Please don’t, please, I’ll do anything!” The older boy begged, the desperation screaming from his body causing Jaebum’s heart to ache. Maybe Jaebum a few months ago would’ve turned on Mark but now the mere thought of ever hurting his friends again made him sick.

Of course, he’d protect Mark’s secret if that’s what he wanted. Jaebum didn’t answer the older boy at first, instead of pulling him into a tight hug. Mark stiffened in his hold before melting into Jaebum, tucking his face into Jaebum’s neck, continuing to cry. Jaebum rubbed circles into Mark’s back, making eye contact with a shocked Youngjae. The younger boy looked away first an unreadable expression on his face. Jaebum ignored the curiosity bubbling inside him and focused on Mark, whispering that it’d be ok over and over again in an attempt to make them both believe it.

Jinyoung was straight as far as Jaebum knew. They used to be each other’s wingmen on nights when they sneaked out of the dorm to go clubbing. Then again maybe it wasn’t foolish to hope. None of them knew about Mark and Youngjae until recently. Still, if Jinyoung was hiding it why wouldn’t he just say something when Mark and Youngjae had come out to everyone else? The look Jaebum had seen in Jinyoung’s eyes earlier made him wonder though. Jaebum pulled back a little once Mark started sniffling, unable to cry anymore. He carefully cupped Mark’s face, making sure the older boy was staring him in the eye.

“First off, I’m not going to tell Jinyoung. I would never break your trust like that. Second of all, he doesn’t hate you, Mark,” Jaebum began, almost cut off by the older boy before shushing him. “Ah, I’ve known him the longest. Trust me. When he left here he looked about as devastated as you do. Let him calm down and then apologize for what you said. As for your feelings….” Jaebum trailed off.

“He’s straight, I know. I’m trying to get over him, I really am trying. It won’t affect the group, I promise.”

“Hey, that’s not what I was going to say. You’re the one who’s always telling me sexuality is fluid. So what if Jinyoung is straight? It’s just a label. That’s what you told me. That won’t matter if you two are meant to be. Look, I don’t want to get your hopes up but I do know one thing, Mark. Jinyoung looks at you in a way I’ve never seen him look at anyone. It’s different from how he looks at the rest of us, different from how he looks at his sisters and I’ve never seen him look at a girlfriend that way. I don’t know what that means but it must mean something, right?” Jaebum couldn’t help the hope leaking into his own voice. He wasn’t thinking about how complicated a relationship would be in the group, he wasn’t thinking about the media finding out. All he was thinking about right now was Mark. The older boy didn’t seem convinced by what Jaebum was saying but the tears had stopped and his breathing was steadier.

Progress.

“Thanks, Jaebum. You’re a good friend.” Mark smiled, hugging Jaebum again. He excused himself to the bathroom after they pulled apart, nodding to Youngjae on his way out. Jaebum collapsed into one of the kitchen chairs once Mark was out of the room. His head was buzzing with all that he’d found out. Mark liking, no, loving Jinyoung beyond the platonic brotherly sense? How the hell didn’t Jaebum notice sooner? It was obviously serious if Mark’s meltdown was anything to go by. Jaebum scrunched his eyes closed, hands rubbing his head in slow motions that he hoped would stave off an impending headache. Well, at least now he knew what had been bothering Mark. What a morning. Jaebum was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt two hands on his shoulders. He’d kind of forgotten Youngjae was still in the room. The other boy had been quiet for so long.

“You did well.” Youngjae praised in a muted voice, massaging into Jaebum’s tense shoulders, loosening them almost instantly. Youngjae had this way of knowing exactly what Jaebum needed in any situation like he had a magical sixth sense.

“Only after getting it wrong the first time around,” Jaebum muttered bitterly, the words tasting more acidic as Youngjae’s hands faltered a little. Jaebum couldn’t keep ignoring the elephant in the room; the similarity of the situation and the difference in Jaebum’s reaction was too damning.

“I wish I’d said that to you. I wish I could do it over.” Jaebum breathed out, his heart sinking as Youngjae retracted his hands entirely. There was a loud scratching sound of a chair dragging across the tile and shuffling beside Jaebum that had him look up. Youngjae was now sitting at the table, leaning forward towards Jaebum. “What are you doing?”

“Sit down,” Youngjae mumbled, waiting for Jaebum to sit opposite him. “You said you want to do it over. Let’s do it.” He cleared his throat. “Jaebum, I have something I want to tell you.” Youngjae started, expression serious and expectant. “This is where you say ‘I’m worried about the songs you’ve been writing recently because they’re sad love songs,’” The younger boy encouraged, mimicking Jaebum’s voice horrifically. “Go on.”

Jaebum indulged him and repeated what Youngjae had said word for word.

“Great. Then you ask am I involved with a girl at the moment.”

“Um, are you, uh, seeing a girl?” Jaebum asked, finding the whole thing a little cringe-y, but he appreciated the chance to do this right.

“Ok, then I stupidly say the songs are about a boy.” Youngjae laughed awkwardly, grimacing at the memory.

“I think I can handle it here from here.” Jaebum held up a hand to keep Youngjae from speaking. For the first time, the younger boy now seemed uncertain about the whole exercise. “A boy?” Jaebum questioned. “Are you saying those songs are about a man?” he continued. He made sure to keep his voice light and face friendly.

Youngjae mutely nodded.

“So you like men?” Jaebum asked in a low voice, leaning across the space between them.

Youngjae nods again, eyes wide and so, so dark that Jaebum nearly loses his train of thought looking into them. The younger boy’s eyes betray him, his nerves clearly shown. ‘Trust me.’ Jaebum thought as he leaned ever closer, resting a hand on Youngjae’s shoulder. Neither of them acknowledged the way Youngjae jumped a little at the contact. 

“Cool. I’m glad you told me. I want you to know I support you one hundred percent. I’m sure the rest of the guys will too.” Jaebum smiled at the inside joke, happy when Youngjae returned the smile even if it was accompanied by an eye-roll. “It doesn’t change how I feel about you. You’re still my best friend. You’re still my Youngjae.” Jaebum squeezed the other boy’s shoulder. “If you need anything, like help with keeping it from the company, just let me know. I’m here for you. It makes me happy that you trusted me enough to tell me you’re gay.” Jaebum concluded, removing his hand, pleased that he’d said everything he wanted to.

“Oh, um, actually,” Youngjae piped up, looking shy and nervous all over again. “Well I guess now is as good a time as any to say it, but I think that, uh, I’m technically homo-romantic demi-sexual.” Jaebum couldn’t help but frown confusedly at the last few words. They sounded English rather than Korean and he had no idea what they meant.

“What?” Jaebum asked with a puzzled frown, his ignorance showing through.

“Um, well,” Youngjae stuttered, playing with his hands anxiously. Jaebum didn’t think twice before reaching over and holding one of Youngjae’s fidgeting hands in his. The younger boy smiled over gratefully at Jaebum. “The first part isn’t too tricky. It basically means that, yes, I do like dating boys, but the second part is a bit more complicated. Demi-sexuality, for me anyway, is feeling comfortable being, uh, physically intimate with a person only after feeling a deep emotional bond with that person.”

“Oh. Um, not to be rude or anything, but I mean…isn’t everyone like that?” Jaebum responded simply. What Youngjae was saying sounded like the right way to go about relationships. Not that Jaebum knew much about the topic; he’d never even had a proper girlfriend before. Thankfully Youngjae didn’t seem to mind Jaebum’s lack of knowledge.

“I get where you’re coming from but no, they’re not. For example, a lot of people have one night stands, right?” Jaebum nodded. That was pretty much every experience he’d had in the romantic department. “But I’ve never been interested in them and I don’t think I’d be very comfortable if I did have a one night stand, you know?” Jaebum thought about it for a few minutes and it made sense as a preference.

“Hmm, that’s pretty interesting.” Jaebum eventually said, watching as Youngjae relaxed a little more in his seat.

“You’re the first person I’ve said this to.” Youngjae breathed out, voice sounding a little giddy like he was coming down from an adrenalin rush.

“Mark doesn’t know?” Jaebum was a little taken aback. Surely Mark was the guy to go to about this kind of thing.

“No. I just haven’t had a chance to. He’s been upset about, y’know, Jinyoung and stuff plus we’re always busy so it’s hard to find time to talk. So yeah, you’re the first. I’m not even sure why I decided to say it. I guess I just thought ‘to hell with it.’” Youngjae half-laughed, shrugging as he rushed his words out, still coming down from the nerves.

“I’m honoured.” Jaebum assured him and he meant it. He felt special knowing that Youngjae chose to tell him before he told anyone else. “I feel like I know about a whole different part of you. One that I’d like to hear more about it if I’m being honest.”

“Well if you have any questions you can ask me whenever. You know where to find me.” Youngjae joked, shifting in his seat.

After there was a pause where Jaebum feared things would become awkward but it felt more like a lull in the conversation, natural and comfortable to sit in.

“So, you’re definitely just into guys?” Jaebum finally decided to ask, not to just fill the silence but because he was interested. Youngjae didn’t seem to mind the question only taking a minute to think before answering.

“As far as I know, yeah. Like, I’ve only ever been romantically interested in two people and they were both men.” Youngjae shrugged.

“Charlie and…?”

“The guy all my songs were about.” Youngjae deadpanned, spluttering into giggles right after. Jaebum had listened to said songs and instantly thought Youngjae was a particularly strong individual if he could laugh about it.

“Oh, yeah, that idiot.” Jaebum dismissed, rubbing circles on Youngjae’s knuckles. “The offer to hand his ass to him will always stand, by the way.”

“Thank you but it’s really fine. He doesn’t give me trouble anymore.” Youngjae murmured, his eye fixed on their linked hands.

“Good. If anyone ever does, and I don’t care who it is,” Jaebum started, tugging on Youngjae’s hand so the younger boy would look up at him. “You tell me and I will sort them out because I’ve got your back from now on. Understand me?” Jaebum playfully demanded, waiting until Youngjae’s big eyes closed shut from smiling so wide. Jaebum’s heart warmed at the sight and despite the hurricane that had been Mark and Jinyoung’s fight he was so grateful to have gotten this moment with Youngjae. He just hoped Mark and Jinyoung could resolve things too.  

Chapter Text

Jaebum was dead on his feet waiting in one of those horrific airport queues that feel like they’ll never end. Jinyoung was tapping his foot irritably in front of him while Mark tiredly hung onto Jaebum’s back. As another airport announcement droned through his ears Jaebum contemplated how he’d gotten himself here when he could be at home in bed.

The day of the big fallout between Mark and Jinyoung had been one fraught with anxiety for both Jaebum and Youngjae. The pair of them had waited up together, playing with Coco to distract themselves from the fact that neither of them had seen or heard from Jinyoung or Mark in a good few hours. Jaebum was in the middle of losing tug of war with Coco when he noticed Youngjae nervously checking his phone for the tenth time in the past twenty minutes.

“It’s been hours since Mark left,” Youngjae muttered, nibbling on his bottom lip.

“Still no texts back?” Jaebum asked, finally giving up and letting Coco have the spit-soaked toy. Coco victoriously trotted off into a corner of the living room to rip apart her winnings as Jaebum scooted himself across their wooden floor to position himself beside Youngjae. Jaebum rested his head on the younger boy’s shoulder so he could see what he was doing on his phone. Jaebum watched amused as Youngjae obsessively refreshed his Kakao app, barely allowing time for it to load properly before he was hitting refresh again.

“No.” Youngjae sighed, locking his phone in frustration.

“Hey, they’ll work it out.” Jaebum assured him, reaching over and removing the phone from Youngjae’s death grip. “They always do.” Jaebum murmured, replacing the phone in Youngjae’s hand with his own. Jaebum made sure to place the phone on the ground beside them, facing up in case something flashed up on the screen. Youngjae let out another sigh as he dropped his head to rest on Jaebum’s making the older boy smile. He’d missed it; being there for one another like this. Jaebum had underestimated how much he truly relied on Youngjae. Not having the younger boy by his side was something he never wanted a taste of again. The only good to come from it was that it made Jaebum appreciate just how lucky he was to be sitting there with Youngjae. Jaebum had someone to comfort and there was someone to comfort him.

“I don’t doubt that they’ll work it out. I’m just worried they’ll murder one another in the process.”

“Maybe that’s what’s taking Jinyoung so long. He’s hiding the body.” Jaebum joked, laughing despite the fact Youngjae moved away from him. Jaebum pulled back too, only to be met with a horrified looking Youngjae that had Jaebum chuckling louder. Youngjae’s lips twitched in amusement, a futile attempt at keeping his own giggles in. He didn’t pull his hand away, something Jaebum was thankful for.

“Who says it wouldn’t be Mark killing Jinyoung?” Youngjae playfully asked, raising an eyebrow in challenge.

“Please,” Jaebum scoffed, rolling his eyes before settling his head comfortably back on Youngjae’s shoulder. “Mark’s in love with the guy. I doubt he could even bring himself to pinch Jinyoung.”

“Just because you’re in love with someone doesn’t mean you don’t want to kill them half the time. If anything it just heightens the odds of homicide.”

“Speaking from experience?” Jaebum asked curiously, twisting his head to look up at Youngjae even if it hurt his neck. Jaebum had to keep reminding himself that his innocent Youngjae wasn’t so naïve anymore. Hell, Youngjae probably had more experience in the relationship department than Jaebum.

“Yeah…” Youngjae trailed off cryptically, this strange look in his eye like he was in on some joke that Jaebum wouldn’t understand. Maybe it was the fact that Jaebum had never been in love. What did Jaebum know about love? The closest he’d probably ever came to feeling love was when it came to music. Youngjae had Charlie.

Jaebum frowned at the thought of Youngjae being in love with that Charlie boy. It was going to take some getting used to. While Jaebum had been mulling this over he’d allowed charged silence to fill the room. As quickly as he could he recovered his senses and attempted to steer the conversation back to a lighter place.

“Well, I know who to point the police towards if Charlie ever goes missing.” Jaebum teased, hoping to get a laugh out of Youngjae. He was disappointed to feel the younger boy’s shoulder tense underneath him.

“Woah, I’m not in love with Charlie,” Youngjae blurted out, startling Jaebum into sitting upright with how fervent the younger boy sounded. “I-I mean, I like him of course, he’s a great guy but-”Youngjae stammered through his own explanation, unconsciously squeezing Jaebum’s hand painfully tight in his panic.

“Hey, hey, Jae, it’s ok! You don’t have to explain yourself to me I was just messing around.” Jaebum hastily interrupted, reassuringly rubbing soothing circles on the back of Youngjae’s hand.

“I know I just didn’t mean for it to come out like that, you know? It sounds like I don’t like him but I do.” Youngjae insisted, looking at Jaebum in earnest. The older boy wasn’t sure who Youngjae was trying to convince anymore; himself or Jaebum. For Youngjae’s sake Jaebum nodded along, like he believed him. So much for keeping things light. They sat there waiting for Mark and Jinyoung to come home, not speaking, still holding each other’s’ hands. Youngjae’s phone screen remained blank. Jaebum wracked his brain for something, anything, to say but kept coming up empty. “I don’t know, I-” Youngjae started cutting himself short before he could reach any kind of clear thought.

“You what?” Jaebum prompted, maneuvering into Youngjae’s space so he could catch the younger’s gaze. The sheer uncertainty he saw there worried Jaebum.

“It’s just this is all still so new to me, you know? I-I don’t know what’s expected of me and, and I don’t want to disappoint him or lead him on or something. I’m just not comfortable with some stuff. With a lot of stuff,” Youngjae rambled, seeming exasperated with himself. “And I know it’s the fact I’m demi but I don’t know how to tell him that and have him believe me. What if he thinks I’m lying or that I’m weird? We haven’t even kissed yet-”

“Really?” Jaebum asked shocked, accidentally cutting across Youngjae.

“See? You think it’s weird that we haven’t.” Youngjae mumbled sadly, staring down at their hands and avoiding Jaebum’s eyes.

“Hey, I didn’t say that.” Jaebum pointed out, nudging Youngjae’s shoulder with his. “But I will admit I’m surprised you guys haven’t kissed. I guess it makes sense with the whole demi thing. But about that, I do think you should tell him, I mean if I can get it surely someone who’s gay would understand no problem.” Jaebum reasoned with an encouraging smile that Youngjae wouldn’t look at.

“Maybe.”

It bothered Jaebum how upset this was making Youngjae and it made him worry how much of it was Charlie.

“He’s never pressured you, has he?” Jaebum asked tentatively, flinching at the appalled look on Youngjae’s face.

“No! He would never!” Youngjae shook his head decisively before deflating a little. “I just know he wants to move things along and I know I probably should-”

“Hey, hold up. Youngjae, you don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with. It’s your body, your choice. I don’t care if it’s just holding hands with Charlie or kissing him or whatever else you might get up to but you should only do it if you want to.”

Youngjae’s face was flushed and he looked like he was going to say something back but the door closing caught both of their attention, their heads whipping around to the sound. Even Coco left her spot to yap her way into the hallway, greeting whoever it was. Hopefully, it was Mark and Jinyoung together in one piece.

Jaebum was beyond relieved to see the pair emerge from the doorway with their arms slung around one another, smiling bashfully like kids who had thrown a tantrum.

“We all good?” Jaebum asked just to be sure, eyeing Mark as subtly as he could. The older boy seemed fine, happy even. Well, happier than he had been in weeks.

“Never better.” Jinyoung beamed, pulling Mark impossibly closer. “Sorry for snapping at you both earlier but to be fair you were eavesdropping.” Jinyoung shrugged, all bad feelings gone apparently.

“It was all Youngjae’s idea!” Jaebum protested, happily throwing the younger under all the metaphorical buses he could. Youngjae looked betrayed, slapping Jaebum’s arm before turning to Jinyoung to beg for his life. Jinyoung wasn’t paying attention though, laughing obnoxiously loud at something Mark had just whispered to him.

“Night guys,” Mark called, smiling like a fool as he dragged Jinyoung to the younger’s room.

“I guess old habits die hard.” Jaebum sighed, watching the pairs retreating backs, shrugging as he stood up himself to head to bed. Youngjae hummed a non-committal response as he went to his own room.

When Jaebum had approached Jinyoung and Mark separately about it, they’d pretty much given the same answer: ‘we apologised and hugged it out’. Jaebum had even taken Mark aside and specifically asked if he said anything about his feelings for Jinyoung. The older boy had looked so uncomfortable Jaebum dropped it, letting him know if he ever needed to talk that he would be there for Mark. Honestly, Jaebum was still mind blown that Mark had fallen for his bandmate. Jaebum had never heard of it happening before but knowing all the secrets every company kept it has bound to have happened. Mark wasn’t the first and he wouldn’t be the last. Jaebum hated himself a little bit at the relief he felt upon hearing Mark saying he hadn’t confessed. Of course, if Mark and Jinyoung got together Jaebum would support them but it would change the dynamics of the group in so many ways. It gave Jaebum a headache every time he thought about the countless ways it could end badly. Still, when he caught Mark staring at Jinyoung Jaebum pitied the older boy.

What made it worse was Mark would be spending Christmas with Jinyoung and the Park family. Mark wasn’t allowed go home this year despite how much Jaebum had pushed, and in spite of Mark’s willingness to pay for it himself the company just wouldn’t budge. Their excuse was that since everyone only got four days off there was barely enough time for a flight to the States and they weren’t going to waste security detail at the airport for that. Mark had fought back saying he could handle the crowds but they all knew once security guards were taken off the table a trip to the airport couldn’t happen. Jinyoung had been furious once he heard the news, wrapping Mark in a bone-crushing hug and basically forcing the older boy into promising he’d join him for Christmas. Jaebum wasn’t going to put Mark through that and so he had immediately asked could he tag along too. Jinyoung had surprisingly hesitated a moment before nodding and dragging Jaebum and Mark into a group hug of sorts.

If Jaebum was being honest with himself saving Mark’s ass was only part of the reason he had asked to tag along. The other being Jaebum’s desire not to stay at the dorm alone like a loser for the few days or worse; go to his mum’s house. The packed airport was currently making him question his disdain for the quiet of their dorm.

“I can’t believe we have to wait this long and for what? An hour-long flight? They should’ve just let me drive.” Jaebum scoffed, Mark humming in agreement, eyes closed. Jinyoung turned to look at them both sharply, eyeing Mark’s arms that were currently wrapped around Jaebum.

“That would’ve taken five hours. We’ve been here for 23 minutes, get a grip.” Jinyoung huffed, turning his back on them only to face them once again. Jaebum just wished the line would move. “Plus it seems like you’re both pretty comfy where you are.” Jinyoung sniffed, crossing his arms petulantly. Jaebum could feel Mark snickering into his face mask as he hid his face in Jaebum’s back.

“Isn’t he just the cutest?” Mark whispered, endearment practically emanating out of his body. God, the guy had it bad. Jinyoung? Cute? When he was bitching at them like this? Jaebum feared for Mark’s sanity. Love did terrifying things.

“Nope. He’s just straight up annoying.” Jaebum deadpanned in a loud mock whisper, staring at the back of Jinyoung’s head.

“I heard that, asshole.” Jinyoung quipped, shuffling forward as the line finally started to flow again.

“You were supposed to, sweetheart.” Jaebum sing-songed back, a giggly Mark letting go of him to skip the line. Jaebum knew who his target was. He didn’t know who he felt worse for, love-struck Mark or oblivious Jinyoung.

“Aww, Jinyoungie, do you need someone to keep you company in this hellish line?” Mark cooed as he wrapped an arm around Jinyoung’s shoulders. The effect was almost instantaneous. Snarky Jinyoung became a soft pile of smiles right before Jaebum’s eyes. Typical.

It didn’t seem fair on Mark but the older boy wasn’t complaining, looking just as content as he leaned on Jinyoung. Looking at them like this Jaebum almost wished Mark had confessed and that by some miracle Jinyoung had felt the same. They looked good together; they looked happy. Jaebum respected Mark’s decision to stay quiet about his feelings but as Jaebum watched Jinyoung squeeze the hand hanging off his shoulder he couldn’t help but think Mark’s fears might be groundless. 

Jaebum took his phone out now that he was essentially being ignored and opened his chat with Youngjae. He sent him a quick message with a photo of their two friends attached. Jaebum was surprised when his phone pinged only a minute later.

Jaebum smiled down at the message before quickly typing out a response. 

Jaebum stared down at the message, backspacing instead of sending it; too embarrassed. It’s not like Youngjae could change his plans now anyway. It just would’ve been nice to not feel like the odd one out. The chance to spend some time with Youngjae would’ve been a bonus.

Jaebum was so surprised to receive the photo that he actually stopped in his tracks. He to be prodded to move along the line by the man standing behind him. Jaebum waited until the line had come to a stop again to respond.

Jaebum couldn’t stop smiling down at the last message. The hope that things were getting back to normal with Youngjae was seeming more and more like a real possibility. Jinyoung and Mark were too busy being wrapped up in each other to even notice his sudden uplift in mood. Another two queues later and the three of them were seated on a plane miles and miles above the city. Jinyoung had claimed the window seat, falling asleep before they had even taken off. Jaebum took the aisle leaving Mark to sit in the middle, a napping Jinyoung with his head on Mark’s shoulder.

“You wanna swap seats?” Jaebum whispered a few minutes after Jinyoung had leaned onto Mark.

“Huh?”

“I know it must be uncomfortable for you, y’know, him being like this with you,” Jaebum explained to a blank-faced Mark. He seemed to catch onto what Jaebum meant as a realisation of sorts dawned on his face but he still shook his head.

“It’s all good man, but thanks,” Mark reassured him, clapping a hand on Jaebum’s knee.

“Ok. Well, I guess I should say this now while I have the chance,” Jaebum began, eyeing the apparently still even breathing of a sleeping Jinyoung. “If it ever gets too much over the four days give me a signal or something and I’ll make up some excuse to leave and we can just go for walk for a few hours.” Jaebum had been thinking about this ever since he’d invited himself along. His mission was for these few days pass peacefully or in the best case scenario, happily for Mark. It was Christmas after all. Something akin to guilt flashed in Mark’s eyes before he righted it with a smile and another friendly pat of Jaebum’s knee.

The remainder of their journey to Jinyoung’s house was uneventful, everyone dozing off for the drive from the airport to his family home. When they pulled up to Jinyoung's house they had barely paid the taxi man and taken their luggage out before they were greeted by an excited shout from the house. Jaebum turned to see Jinyoung's mum jogging up their garden path to welcome the three of them outside. The small woman could hardly contain herself as she enveloped her only son in her arms. Mark and Jaebum stood awkwardly beside them as the pair spoke softly to one another. Mark fidgeted nervously beside him as if this was his first time meeting Mrs. Park, staring at the old woman filled with the trepidation of a man facing a bull. They eventually pulled apart, wide smiles on their faces and their eyes a little glassy. After clearing her throat Mrs. Park turned to the two of them her arms open again for another hug.

“Jaebummie!” She called, beckoning him over first. Mrs. Park had always treated Jaebum like her second son, a habit that left Jaebum with a lump in his throat more times than not. In build and looks she was like any other Korean mother, just like his mum, but in temperament, Mrs. Park had always been warmer and actually mother-like.

"Mrs. Park! How have you been? You look well." Jaebum grinned, leaning down to hug the older woman close, her hands gently rubbing his back.

“Ah, you’re such a charmer! I swear you get more handsome every time I see you." she cooed, holding his face in her hands and smiling fondly up at him. After rather embarrassingly pinching one of Jaebum’s cheeks she turned to Mark arms open to receive the older boy. Jaebum swore he saw Mark gulp.

"Ah, there's our other handsome boy Mark!" She exclaimed, pulling a stiff Mark into a hug. Mark pathetically patted her back, shooting Jinyoung looks over his mother’s shoulder. Jinyoung made no move to help Mark instead simply sending him an encouraging smile.

"You've gotten skinnier since the last time I saw you! Come on, quick! You need a mother’s home cooking." Mrs. Park scolded, pulling Mark into the house by his hand, leaving Jinyoung and Jaebum to follow behind with the bags.

“It’s like having two of you,” Jaebum muttered in mock fear, earning himself an elbow to the ribs.

“You must feel blessed. I’m a fucking delight.” Jinyoung hissed, his face immediately switching to a bright smile once they crossed the threshold. Jinyoung’s mum was waiting for them, worrying over the bags under Mark’s eyes. The older boy looked at a loss for what to say to assure the old woman he was in fact sleeping.

"Well, I’m going to make sure all you boys stick to a strict bedtime while you’re here.” Mrs. Park nodded to herself. Mark looked like he wanted to point out the fact that as a twenty-three-year-old he didn’t need a bedtime but Jaebum shook his head at him. “Ah, Nyoungie, you took long enough. Show the boys where they’ll be staying. Since both of ‘Nyoungie’s sisters are back you'll have to share a room boys. I hope that's ok. I’d show you myself but I have to keep an eye on the food. I’ve been cooking all day! Your sisters are helping me Nyoungie, and they are so good for trying. Bless them. Ah, it’s so nice to cook for so many people again. It’s not the same cooking just for two."

They barely had time to reassure her that it was perfect before she was running off towards the kitchen, muttering something about dishes burning.

“Welcome, I guess.” Jinyoung laughed, leading the way down a hallway lined with family photos that had both Mark and Jaebum stop in their tracks. There were so many baby photos and tragic pre-teen school photos. Jaebum’s hand itched to reach for his phone but Jinyoung had already anticipated him.

“Take a photo and the next time you see your phone will be when you’re fishing it out of my toilet.” Jinyoung serenely threatened, his hand on the arm Jaebum had moved towards his pocket.  

“You’re no fun.” Jaebum pouted, while Mark moved closer to the photos, an obnoxiously big grin on his face.

“You’re so cute in these photos, Jinyoungie!” Mark all but squealed, staring at a photo wherein Jinyoung was sporting a particularly unfortunate bowl-cut. Jaebum thought he looked like an egg.

“Stop looking at them, oh my god, they’re so embarrassing,” Jinyoung whined, pulling at Mark cutely in an attempt to get his own way. The pair continued to argue about how cute or tragic the childhood photos were as they made their way to the guest room. Neither seemed to care about what Jaebum had to say which was that they were hilarious and good blackmail material. As they were walking Jaebum decided to shoot Youngjae a quick text.

After a short tour of their room, Jinyoung left them to unpack, taking his own small suitcase to his old bedroom. With the door closed behind them, Jaebum brought up the Jinyoung-sized elephant in the room.

“I don’t know how you do it, man,” Jaebum sighed, unzipping his suitcase on top of their shared bed. “Be around Jinyoung.” Jaebum clarified when Mark looked over at him confused.

“Oh, uh, you get used to it I guess.” Mark shrugged, pulling out his shirts and looking around for a place to put them as if that was the end of the conversation. Sue him, but Jaebum was ridiculously curious. Whatever way Jaebum looked must have let on that he didn’t want to drop it because Mark sighed, settling himself on the bed.

“What’s on your mind?” The older boy asked the suitcase on the bed forsaken for the moment. Jaebum took a minute to gather his thoughts properly so he wouldn’t say anything insensitive or dumb.

“You said you’re in love with Jinyoung,” Jaebum stated, looking down at the clothes in his suitcase.

“Yes? And?” Mark prompted, impatience in his voice. Jaebum took a breath in before looking up at Mark.

“How did you know?” Jaebum asked he felt like a little kid asking about the birds and the bees. Mark seemed a bit taken aback at the question but Jaebum could tell Mark really considered his answer before he responded.

“I don’t know. It just kind of crept up on me, I guess. Like, I accepted a long time ago that I was attracted to him, that I had feelings for him, but I thought and hoped those feelings would fade.” Mark muttered, staring off into space. “They didn’t. They just got stronger. Maybe it’s because we live together but I’ve never felt like this about anyone ever.” He smiled, looking back at Jaebum. “I guess that’s when I knew I loved that idiot.” Mark laughed in a slightly self-deprecating manner as he stood back up to unpack his case. Jaebum remained still as the other moved around the room, looking for drawers to put their stuff in.

“What’s it like?” Jaebum blurted out, making Mark pause in his search for wardrobe space.

“Being in love?” Mark asked, exhaling heavily through his mouth when Jaebum nodded in affirmation. “Fucking terrifying,” Mark admitted, laughing at the expression on Jaebum’s face. “Imagine one person being able to make you feel all warm and fluttery right here,” Mark said, walking over and poking Jaebum in the centre of his chest. “They do the smallest thing and your body just loses its shit. You hate how easily they can make you smile and cry and laugh but you also don’t because you never thought another person could make you feel so much.” Mark continued wistfully. Jaebum didn’t like where this was going. He didn’t like the place his mind was going. One person’s face floating in his mind’s eye at everything Mark was saying. “All that cheesy shit we sing about doesn’t seem so far-fetched anymore. You’d do anything for them. Even keep those feelings to yourself.” Mark muttered the last part more to himself than Jaebum. The other boy wasn’t really listening anymore anyway, trying to calm the mini-crisis he was having after Mark’s little speech. Jaebum had experienced that warm fluttery feeling that Mark had talked about countless times. Always around one person in particular. Youngjae.

“Oh.” Jaebum finally muttered, just for something to say as Mark started to look worried about his lack of response. That didn’t seem to make Mark much happier as his forehead creased into a frown. He didn’t comment on it, moving to his side of the bed to grab some shirts from his bag sintead. They silently unpacked for a few more minutes, Jaebum trying to shake the weird thoughts Mark’s words had sparked. That feeling wasn’t love, it couldn’t be. It was just fondness, friendly fondness. Brotherly love at best. It was Mark who broke the silence first.

“Have you never been in love, Jaebum?”

“Uh, I don’t think so. Maybe. I-I, uh, just don’t know.” Jaebum stammered, curling a fist around one of his jumpers. “I’ve never thought about it like the way you described it.” Jaebum finally rushed out, feeling far more stressed than he needed to be. It must the exhaustion of traveling getting to him. A good nap and he’d snap out of this.

Mark looked like he wanted to push further but a voice from down the hall cut their conversation short.

“Boys? It’s dinner time!”

Mrs. Park’s voice seemed to remind Mark where they were. The older boy immediately jumped up, patting down his creased shirt and heading straight for the door. Jaebum followed behind him sluggishly, his thoughts weighing him down. He tried to shrug off the weird feeling Mark had left him with as he walked by Jinyoung’s family photos again. The sound of his phone pinging in his pocket made Jaebum pause. When he unlocked his screen he was met with a notification from Youngjae.

There was that feeling again. This time it was accompanied by an unwanted squeezing in Jaebum’s stomach. Maybe he was coming down with something. That would explain it.

***

The three of them spent the next day wandering around Jinyoung’s snowy home town with Jinyoung as their tour guide. He showed them his school, the neighbourhood park that everyone hung out at as kids especially at Christmas time as the hill was perfect for sledding, and his favourite shops. Thankfully only one or two people recognized them so they could wander around in peace. After hours of daring each other to go down the small slope in the park on Jinyoung’s childhood sled, shopping and eating street food they came back home to the smell of even more food cooking. Jaebum was sure their dietician would have something to say about it when they got back but right now all Jaebum cared about was eating as much of Mrs. Park’s delicious smelling food as his stomach would physically allow.

The table was pretty crowded just like it had been the night before with Jaebum’s knee pressed up against Mark’s who was pressed up against Jinyoung’s side. The younger boy’s parents sat opposite them, Mrs. Park dishing out the food onto smaller plates. They all ate quietly for a few minutes, murmuring appreciatively about how delicious the food was.

“So how’s work been boys?” Mrs. Park asked, smiling across at all three of them.

“Good. It’s been busy with promotions but we have a little break now before our next comeback.” Jinyoung answered while Mark and Jaebum nodded along, both more interested in the home-cooked meal.

“Ah, it must be so amazing to be a celebrity.” Jinyoung’s sister Bo-young exclaimed from the top of the table. “I watched you guys on TV, you know. It was a few months back. What’s the show called? Weekly Idol?” Bo-young questioned, leaning forward to look at them all.

Mark nodded as he reached for more water.

“You got to meet Heechul, right?” So-young piped from the other end of the table, her head resting in her hand. “I’m so jealous of you guys!”

“Who’s he, honey?” Mrs. Park asked, clearly confused by both her daughters’ excitement.

“Oh, he’s an idol like Jinyoungie.” So-young explained while Bo-young added “Do you remember that group we really liked growing up? Super Junior?”

“Oh, yes. I think so.”

“He’s the gay one.” Bo-young cheekily tacked on.

Jaebum regretted deciding to take a sip of his drink at that moment, choking on his water the second that sentence left her lips. Jaebum grabbed a napkin and managed to keep himself from spraying water on everyone sitting around the table. He could hear the conversation continuing around the table as Mark rubbed his back like Jaebum was a baby.

“You can’t say that, Bo-young. Heechul has never come out.” Jinyoung chastised, but his words were falling on deaf ears.

“Oh come on, ‘Nyoungie. I’ve seen photos of him kissing guys at their concerts. Straight guys don’t do that.” So-young condescendingly explained. Jaebum wished they could all stop talking. This was the last place he expected dinner talk to send them.

“Oh, his poor parents.” Mrs. Park said sympathetically, Jaebum could practically feel Jinyoung and Mark tense up at the same time as him. “Does he not care about his family’s reputation at all?” Mrs. Park tutted, turning to her husband for his input.

“Mhmm. A bad son.” Mr. Park absentmindedly agreed, more focused on his food then the conversation at hand. Jaebum didn’t miss the way Jinyoung hung his head at that comment.

“It’s just fan-service. I’m sure his parents understand that it’s all fake.” Jaebum futilely tried to calm the situation. “Every idol has to do stuff like that maybe not as intense as that but it’s completely norm-”

“You see Jaebum that’s why I worry about you boys being idols.” Mrs. Park interrupted him, her tone being that of a disapproving mother. “I don’t want it to have a bad influence on you all. It’s only because we knew singing was what our Jinyoungie loved to do that we supported him.”

Jaebum looked sideways at Mark and Jinyoung, the latter still staring at his lap. Mark, however, was looking straight ahead at Mr. and Mrs. Park, his face impassive but his hand on Jinyoung’s knee under the table. Jaebum watched Mark’s thumb rub soothing circles into Jinyoung’s knee like he was the one needing comforting, not him, their bisexual friend who had to sit there and listen to this.

“And it paid off! You guys have been so successful. I’m always so proud to hear your songs play when I’m out shopping.” So-young gushed, trying to salvage the dinner as well.

“Thank you, but So-young, I hear congratulations are in order. Jinyoung told me you got a new job.” Jaebum enthused, successfully diverting Mrs. Park’s attention to one of her other children. Jinyoung had stopped bowing his head but he stayed quiet for the rest of the dinner. Mark’s hand was kept in place by Jinyoung’s own until they all finished up and were forced to stand up.

Youngjae’s response made Jaebum wonder where the younger boy’s parents stood. Had he told them about Charlie? Or his newly discovered sexuality? Now, over text, wasn’t the time to ask but Jaebum couldn’t help but be curious. He hoped Youngjae’s parent would understand. The younger boy deserved that after everything he’s been through. Everything Jaebum had put him through.

Jaebum ignored the tingly feeling in his chest as he tossed his phone onto a pile of nearby laundry. He must’ve eaten dinner too fast or something. Maybe it was indigestion. Jaebum fell asleep pretty quickly and maybe it was the indigestion but he soon found himself awake again. He rolled over to see an empty mattress. Mark must’ve gotten up to go piss or something. Without thinking too much about it Jaebum fell back asleep, not even bothering to check the time on his phone. That morning Mark woke him up to the news they were hanging out with Jinyoung’s high school friends. They spent the day chilling in Jinyoung’s living room, all of them sitting on the floor, Jinyoung’s friends regaling stories about pre-teen Jinyoung that Jaebum had heard a million times. Mrs. Park kept them all well fed, bringing out platters of food and snacks intermittently. Jaebum discreetly kept on an eye on Mark and Jinyoung, the latter curling into Mark’s side, hiding his face with each embarrassing story. No one else seemed to take notice of the way Jinyoung slapped Mark’s chest as he egged the guys on to share more or how every now and then Mark would whisper something in Jinyoung’s ear, having him giggling. Once the sun set they all trekked through the snow to the local bar set on drinking the night away.

“Texting your girlfriend?” One of Jinyoung’s friends asked, Jaebum couldn’t remember his name but he was pretty sure it started with Dae. Or was it Hyun? Either way, Jaebum really didn’t like the way the noisy asshole was peering over Jaebum’s shoulder to catch a glimpse of his phone.

“We’re not allowed date.” Jaebum deadpanned, his honesty only seeming to crack the guy up.

“Doesn’t mean you can’t do other things.” The guy said suggestively, winking like he was in on some secret. He seemed disappointed that Jaebum didn’t find this as funny as he did. “Maybe she’s not your girlfriend but from how you were smiling at that phone, all smitten and heart eyed, I’m not believing that was your mum or a friend.” The stranger snorted, turning away to call for more shots. Why was everyone, even Jinyoung’s stupid friends, so insistent on turning his friendship with Youngjae into something weird? So what if he was smiling at his phone? Jaebum was texting a friend. He should be allowed to have fun or find that friend funny without being cross-examined by some tipsy busybody. Jaebum was just about to lecture said busybody about the importance of privacy when his phone started incessantly buzzing distracting him.

Jaebum smiled down at the message in spite of himself, in spite of that idiot who knowingly grinned at Jaebum as he got up and moved towards the bathroom. Jaebum doesn’t know why Youngjae was so insistent on finding out what Mark and Jinyoung were doing in that bathroom. They were probably just taking a piss break. Youngjae’s persistence did make Jaebum curious though. He’s not sure what he was supposed to find when he pushed open the door to an empty albeit dirty bathroom.

“Uh, guys?” Jaebum called out, feeling like an idiot. All the cubicles were empty bar the one furthest from the door which was closed shut. There was a pause wherein Jaebum debated whether to leave or not. Maybe Mark and Jinyoung had come out of the bathroom without Jaebum noticing and here he was bothering some poor unsuspecting guy. What stopped him from turning around and getting out of there was the sound of two distinct voices whispering. It was coming from the cubicle down furthest away. As Jaebum shuffled closer he could hear what sounded like an argument but he couldn’t pick out any words, the voices too low and the music outside too loud. Jaebum nearly jumped out of his skin when the cubicle suddenly opened and Mark’s head popped out.

“Sup?” Mark said, clearing his throat a little and ignoring how Jaebum held a hand over his heart.

“Is, um, Jinyoung with you?” Jaebum asked, his confusion only mounting as he took in Mark’s appearance. The older boy’s hair was messy like he’d been running his hands through it; stressed out.

“Uh, yes.” Mark blurted, his eyes darting from Jaebum to the inside of the cubicle. “He’s vomiting. It’s, uh, really bad. The alcohol.” Mark explained solemnly, wincing at the end of his sentence like he’d been hit.

“I thought he’d only had the one?” Jaebum asked incredulously, trying to think back to what that one drink had been. Hadn’t all the guys started out with beer?

“Oh, you know Jinyoung. He’s such a lightweight.” Mark said louder this time, a mischievous grin on his face.  

“True. Well, we can always head home early if he needs to.” Jaebum suggested, leaning against the sink, not missing the way Mark eyed him up almost impatiently.

“Do you need me to get him some water or something?” Jaebum offered, thinking maybe Mark wanted him to help out rather than just stand around talking.

“Oh, no, no. That won’t be necessary. I’ve got this under control.” Mark assured him with an overly bright smile for someone who was in the same cubicle as a puking Jinyoung. Love must make you immune to the stench of vomit.

“You head back out there or his friends will start asking questions. It’d be embarrassing for Jinyoungie if they found out.” Mark reasoned, gesturing to the exit. “We’ll be out in a second.”

“Ok…” Jaebum agreed, heading back to the small party. Mark’s eyes didn’t leave him once the whole time he made his way to the door. “Hope you feel better soon, ‘Nyoungie.” Jaebum called, receiving no answer except a thumbs up from Mark before the older boy retracted his head. 

Jaebum looked up from his phone to see a flushed Jinyoung settling himself back into a seat a few chairs down. Mark was nowhere to be seen, probably at the bar or still in the bathroom. Jaebum did his best to catch Jinyoung’s eyes discreetly to ask if he was feeling better. It was impossible though as the younger boy refused to take his eyes off his drink, listening to what one of the guys beside him was talking about. Mark eventually returned with another round of drinks. All the guys roared in appreciation, grabbing their beers while Mark handed Jaebum his sad orange juice.         

Jinyoung’s vomiting incident wasn’t mentioned again and he even had a few more drinks along with the rest. Jaebum wondered how “bad” it really had been. Eventually, the bar had to close and they had to slump back to their beds. The goodbyes were long as Jinyoung promised he’d visit more often and the guys promised to visit Seoul. Nice gestures, but unlikely to happen. Jaebum felt dead on his feet as they waited outside in the icy air and he hadn’t even drank. Mark was hugging him close, smelling like a mix of beer and soju, but he was warm and Jaebum was too tired to shrug him off. After what felt like hours Jinyoung skipped over to them, still buzzed, but ready to go home at last. On the way home Jinyoung walked in between Jaebum and Mark, holding both their hands like a little kid, swinging them happily. Jinyoung kept pointing out the fairy lights strung on lamp posts along the way, staring up at them wide-eyed. Meanwhile, Mark was gazing wistfully at Jinyoung like he was prettier than all those bright lights. The younger was completely oblivious. The walk was shorter than Jaebum thought it would be, hands still linked, keeping his fingers warm. Jinyoung only let go briefly to open the front door and finally let go properly once they were outside Mark and Jaebum’s shared room. Jaebum reminded him of their early flight. They’d all have to be up and out by 9 sharpish to catch their flight.

There it was again, that bubbly feeling in Jaebum’s chest. Heartburn, he decided. Jaebum made a note to himself to get something in the pharmacy for it before they went home.

“Your phone brightness! For the love of god, Jaebum, turn it down.” The lump of duvet beside Jaebum grunted, Mark’s arm appearing to swat him with a pillow. If Jaebum was being honest he wasn’t too sure how to turn his phone brightness down but he’d be damned before he admitted that out loud.

“Who are you even texting at this hour?” Mark complained, scooting over to squint angrily down at the messages. Jaebum has never exited an app quicker, panicking and somehow taking a screenshot of his home screen in the process. In the little light his phone provided Jaebum could see Mark staring at him, clearly confused.

“Some things are private,” Jaebum muttered, a bit miffed by the intrusion, He calmly and properly locked his phone this time, leaving the pair in total darkness. Jaebum heard Mark shuffle beside him, settling down further into the mattress and hopefully going to sleep. Jaebum did the same, turning his back on Mark and scrunching his eyes shut, willing sleep to take over him.

“That’s a really cute name you set for Youngjae.” Mark practically giggled into the silence, making Jaebum’s eyes whip open, his face burning. Ok, maybe it wasn’t heartburn. Maybe it was a fever.

“That wasn’t Youngjae. You need glasses, Tuan.” Jaebum responded gruffly, burying himself further into the sheets like he could hide away from the truth. Jaebum wasn’t even sure why he was lying. Must be fever brain.

“Oh, yeah, I’m the one who needs glasses,” Mark mumbled sarcastically, shuffling closer until he had a leg and an arm draped over Jaebum. “I never knew our Jaebummie was such a softie.” Mark breathed onto the back of Jaebum’s neck, making Jaebum instinctually shove a now laughing Mark off of him.

“Shut up and sleep,” Jaebum grunted, tucking himself back under the sheets. Admittedly, Jaebum wished he had let Mark stay draped over him. The added warmth would be welcome. Despite how silly it sounded, having someone close when he was in bed helped Jaebum sleep. It was something he discovered from rooming with Jinyoung back in the day. The pair of them had both just been terrified kids who needed a hug more than anything else. Jaebum could feel it work now, his eyes becoming heavy, and before he knew it he was asleep.

Unfortunately, he couldn’t stay asleep for long, waking up without the weight of someone else leaning on him. Jaebum blindly reached for his phone so he could shine a light on the pitch black room. The heinously bright light illuminated an empty bed beside him, just like last night. ‘Mark must really have a small bladder.’ Jaebum thought groggily, as he checked how much time he had left to sleep. His phone bared the numbers 2:54 am at his eyes. That’s not too bad. He could get maybe another decent four hours. Jaebum didn’t wait for Mark to return before he fell back asleep. Maybe it was the strange room, maybe it was the bed, but Jaebum just couldn’t stay asleep this trip. He found himself awake again which wasn’t all that surprising, but what had Jaebum keep himself awake was the fact that the bed was still empty beside him. Jaebum’s phone said it was 5:16 am. Where the hell was Mark?

Jaebum tried to rationalize that the older boy was probably just in the bathroom again or maybe even in the kitchen getting water. It didn’t work though and Jaebum couldn’t get back to sleep. The minutes stretched out and the bedroom door remained closed and his bed half empty. The worry was making him restless so he got up, determined to get to the bottom of it and ease his mind. Barefoot, Jaebum padded quietly through the house. First to the bathroom, then moving onto the kitchen and living room once it became apparent the former was Mark-less. Jaebum felt his stress levels physically rising at the empty kitchen and living room. Had Mark left the house? Why on earth would Mark go out in a strange neighbourhood at this time of night by himself?

Feeling slightly annoyed and helpless, Jaebum walked back to their room to double check there was no note left behind. After finding nothing of the sort Jaebum quickly sent Mark a text asking him where he was and if he could text back him asap. Jaebum almost threw his own phone at the wall when he heard Mark’s phone ping somewhere in the room, no doubt the idiot’s jeans pocket.

“When I find him, if he’s not already dead, I’m going to kill him myself,” Jaebum swore under his breath, running his hands through his and evaluating his options. There was only one last course of action; waking Jinyoung up. Maybe the younger knew where Mark was or would have an idea where to start looking. ‘Mark better have a good excuse for all this.’ Jaebum thought as he trudged to Jinyoung’s room, unsure how he’d explain to the younger that he had lost Mark somehow.

Jaebum opened Jinyoung’s door as quietly as he could, tiptoeing in the dark over to the bed, his eyes taking a moment to adjust. It wasn’t until Jaebum was almost on top of Jinyoung’s bed that he noticed the body on the mattress looked a little bigger than it should. A closer look and the light from the open door revealed that there was, in fact, two people in Jinyoung’s bed. It seemed Jaebum wouldn’t have to look much further for Mark.

The older boy was curled around Jinyoung’s back, holding the younger boy’s two hands in his. Jaebum stood there, frozen, staring down at his friends, the only thought he could form being ‘what in the hell?’ Mark slightly stirring in his sleep and snuggling his face further into Jinyoung’s back snapped Jaebum out of his creepy trance long enough to get himself out of there before either of them woke up.

Jaebum’s heart rate didn’t slow down until he was in the safety of his own room. A million reasons and explanations flew through his mind as to why Mark was literally spooning Jinyoung instead of sleeping in the guest bed as he should be. None of them added up. Maybe Jinyoung had a bad dream and needed comforting, but then Jaebum would remember that Jinyoung was actually an adult man who would more likely drink some hot milk and go back to sleep. Jaebum wasn’t sure what to do with himself but he definitely wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon. He did the first thing he could think of and messaged Youngjae.

Jaebum’s brain short-circuited at that. He hadn’t expected Youngjae to want to talk to him over the phone. What did Jaebum’s voice even sound like over the phone? What if he sounded weird? It was the crack of dawn and he hadn’t spoken to anyone yet. Why the hell was Jaebum even worrying about it? It was just Youngjae.

Before Jaebum could type back a response his phone was ringing loudly and no doubt about to wake up the whole house. In his panic to answer and stop the blaring noise Jaebum nearly dropped his phone, his hands shaking. He kept the phone away from his face as he cleared his throat so wouldn’t sound too hoarse this early in the morning. As Jaebum brought the device closer to his ear he could hear Youngjae’s whining, confused voice down the line calling to Jaebum. It brought a smile to Jaebum’s face despite his exhaustion.

“Hey, I’m here. Why did you ring me?” Jaebum whispered, getting up and making sure the door was closed, sealing Youngjae and him off from the rest of the house.

“Because you’re useless at giving information over text and I want all the details,” Youngjae complained, his voice rising in excitement at the end of his sentence. “Who was the big spoon? Was it Jinyoung? I bet it was Jinyoung.” Youngjae questioned eagerly, sounding far too invested and a little too confident in his assumption. How much time had Youngjae spent thinking about this?

“You need a hobby,” Jaebum responded in a deadpan tone, earning himself a yell so loud from Youngjae that he had to hold the phone away from his ear again.

“Come on! Just tell me.” Youngjae begged, evoking the younger boy’s pouty face in Jaebum’s mind. “If you tell me then I’ll share my theory with you.”  Youngjae bargained, intriguing Jaebum enough to indulge him.

“Theory about what?”

“Nuh-uh. Big spoon first. Then I’ll let you in on my detective genius.” Youngjae withheld obstinately, causing a tense silence to fall over the line. Neither wanted to be the first to crack, both as stubborn as each other.

“Ok, Sherlock, you got it wrong. Mark’s the big spoon. Happy?” Jaebum relented, exasperatedly throwing himself back onto his mattress. Why did he always break first?

“Oh. Good for him.” Youngjae hummed down the line, his exuberance undiminished despite being incorrect. “Also just cuz I guessed that wrong doesn’t mean my theory isn’t right,” Youngjae argued, while in the background Jaebum could hear what sounded like the younger moving around his room.

Absentmindedly, Jaebum wondered what Youngjae’s childhood room looked like. He’d bet anything there were posters of that drama Youngjae used to tell him about late at night. Jaebum had never seen it; his mum didn’t agree with kids watching TV in general. He had always been out of the loop with those things in school. Youngjae had been scandalised when Jaebum revealed he’d never watched “Boys Over Flowers”.

Sure, he’d heard of it. The year it aired it seemed like every ad had one of the actors in it. Youngjae had tried to find a pirate copy online but came up empty. The younger boy had looked so disappointed that Jaebum did the only thing he could think of; he suggested that Youngjae tell him everything that happened episode by episode but like he was reading a book. They did that most nights, lying in the dark, only Youngjae’s hushed voice filling the space between them. Jaebum had actually gotten really into it, demanding a giggling Youngjae continue when he’d try to stop at a cliff hanger.

“Hit me with it.” Jaebum sighed out, closing his tired eyes and wondering if he’d ever get to fall asleep to the sound of Youngjae’s voice again.

“I think they’re dating, Mark and Jinyoung.”

That had Jaebum sitting up and paying attention.

“Evidence?” He pushed, skeptical.

“Well, we both know Mark is in love with Jinyoung but I’ve been thinking for a while now that Jinyoung might like him back. We were even saying that they act like an old married couple and that can’t all be one-sided. Jinyoung’s guilty of it too.” Youngjae pointed out, and he wasn’t wrong. Sometimes Jaebum really questioned Jinyoung’s intentions and leanings when it came to Mark.

“I agree, but that doesn’t mean they’re dating,” Jaebum argued back.

“Maybe not but listen to this. I noticed a real shift in how they were acting after they had that fight a week or two ago. Mark was being weird, avoiding questions about where he was going and how he was holding up with the Jinyoung situation. He’s never really done that before.” Youngjae exhaled steadily. “What really tipped me off that something was going on was the fact that Mark wouldn’t fall asleep before I did. He used to always conk out the second he came in but I could see him struggling to stay up. One night I woke up in the middle of the night and Mark wasn’t there so I looked around the dorm for him. Guess where he was fast asleep?” Youngjae demanded excitedly. Jaebum could practically see the younger boy bouncing around his room.

“Jinyoung’s room,” Jaebum muttered unenthusiastically, still playing along and earning himself a triumphant cheer from Youngjae on the other end of the line.

“Just like he is right now. At the time I shrugged it off. They’ve slept in the same room a few times. No biggie, right? But in the morning when I woke up Mark was in his own bed like he hadn’t left it all night. When we were eating breakfast later I asked Mark if he’d slept well and he just shrugged and asked how I’d slept. Normally he’d never keep it from me. Why would he need to?” Youngjae asked rhetorically, pausing for suspense before giving Jaebum his answer. “Because he and Jinyoung are secretly dating,” Youngjae concluded, his voice full of confidence despite how much this sounded like a fan conspiracy theory to Jaebum.

“You can’t just say that because you walked in on them cuddling once.” Jaebum countered, ignoring the offended noise he could hear Youngjae make. “We used to do that all the time.” Jaebum blurted out, regretting the words once he said them. Youngjae was silent on the other end for just a beat long enough to make it awkward. Jaebum’s face started burning up as he heard Youngjae splutter back to life on the phone.

“That-uh- that was different. We had to share a bed. Stuff happens.” Jaebum could hear Youngjae clear his throat before moving on swiftly. “It’s not like you’re sneaking into my bedroom in the dead of night and-and then lying about it.” Youngjae clumsily joked, the stilted nature of the conversation making Jaebum cringe.

‘Way to go. You’ve made him uncomfortable again.’ Jaebum reprimanded himself. It was all the talk with Mark the other day that was confusing Jaebum like this.

“Ha, yeah I guess you’ve got a point.” Jaebum lamely responded.

“Plus, look at how they both act around each other and think about all the stuff they’ve been getting up to on your trip. You yourself said you’ve felt like a third wheel.” Youngjae argued, and even though Jaebum didn’t fully buy it he preferred to stick to this train of thought. It was a good distraction.

“Is this why you wanted me to check up on them in the bathroom?

“Yeah, totally. I thought they’d be making out or doing other stuff in there.” Youngjae admitted shamelessly, astonishing Jaebum.

“Oh my god, Youngjae! Get your mind out of the gutter. Jinyoung was getting sick.”

“But did you actually see him getting sick?” Youngjae pressed a playful edge to his voice.

“Uh, well, no. Mark wouldn’t let me into the cubicle.” Jaebum conceded with a sigh.

“Ah-ha! I knew it. They were doing something nasty in that bathroom.” Youngjae laughed, sounding a little too excited at the idea of their friends getting off in a dirty public bathroom.

“I’d bet anything that Mark has slept in Jinyoung’s room every night you’ve been there.” Youngjae declared smugly, his words reminding Jaebum of how he’d woken up the night before to an empty bed as well.

“I mean, I did wake up last night too and he wasn’t here but I just assumed he was in the bathroom or something cuz he woke me up in the morning.”

“They’re secretly dating, I’m convinced.”   

“Ok, let’s say on the off chance you’re right-”

“I’m right.” Youngjae childishly interrupted.

“You were wrong about the spooning!” Jaebum snapped back just as petulantly.

“Hey, give me a break. Jinyoung was the big spoon when I walked in-”

“This is ridiculous. Look, let’s say you’re right. Have you thought about what this means for the group? We all live together. Seven guys with seven different personalities is hard enough to deal with as is. Imagine throwing a couple into that mix.”

“Are you saying you’re against them dating?” Youngjae’s voice had lost all of its light-heartedness, his tone deadly serious.

“N-no! Of course, I would support them if this is what would make them happy, but I also want what’s best for them and the group. There’s a reason they’re keeping this a secret.” Jaebum muttered bitterly. Everything wasn’t as black and white when you took a step back to look at the bigger picture.

“See? You think they’re dating too.” Youngjae giggled, completely ignoring everything else Jaebum had just said.

“Why did I go to you for help?” He complained, exasperated at the sheer energy Youngjae had at this time in the morning. Wasn’t he supposed to be the one who didn’t like getting up early?

“Because I have a plan,” Youngjae announced, sounding possibly even more excited than before.

“Please, do share.” Jaebum murmured sarcastically, rubbing his temple with his free hand.

“You go back to sleep, pretend you’ve noticed nothing and then when you get back we confront them together and they’ll confess and we’ll help them hide it and they’ll live happily ever after.”

“That sounds nice in theory, Jae, but-”

“Hey, I’m not an idiot.” Youngjae cut in, sounding slightly hurt. “Trust me, I know how tough it is but at least let me have hope that they’ll find a happy ever after.”

“I want that too but maybe they won’t find it in each other and maybe that’s ok.” Jaebum urged gently. It was hard to argue against Youngjae when he seemed so emotionally invested. The younger boy was quiet on the other end of the phone and had it not been for that Jaebum might not have heard the door opening behind him. Jaebum turned at the soft noise, coming face to face with a startled Mark who seemed frozen in place by the door. “Mark.”

“Who are you on the phone to? Is everything ok?” Mark worriedly asked, probably assuming the worst, that someone was injured or sick.

“What!? Is Mark there? Jaebum, answer me! What’s going-” Jaebum didn’t give him the chance to finish his sentence, hanging up and giving Mark his whole attention.

“No one.” Jaebum lied, standing up and acting as casual as he physically could. The way Mark was eyeing him didn’t give Jaebum much hope. “How long have you been up?” Jaebum could see how Mark hesitated before answering, averting his eyes when he finally spoke.

“I woke up just before you did to use the bathroom.” Mark really was a terrible liar.

“I’ve been up since five. You spent two hours in the bathroom?” Jaebum asked incredulously. He’d really hoped Mark would’ve just told him the truth. Maybe Youngjae was right. Maybe he did have something to hide. “Also, strange you say that cause last time I checked there’s no bathroom in Jinyoung’s room and that’s where I found you.” Jaebum finally snapped, not wanting to hear any more nonsense. It was too early and he was too tired for this shit.

It seemed Jaebum wouldn’t be getting any rest anytime soon as Mark decided instead of talking it out he’d run. Jaebum stood there in shock for a second, disbelieving that Mark was literally running from his problems before chasing after him down the hall.

“What the fuck? Where are you going? Stop running! Why are you running? You can’t run away from me, Mark!” Jaebum yelled, catching up with the older boy quickly despite the head-start Mark had.

“Watch me!” Mark shouted back over his shoulder, not looking where he was going and falling over the couch in the living room flat onto the ground. Jaebum seized his chance and made a grab for Mark, climbing atop him, knees either side of Mark’s waist.

“We have to talk about this like adults. Stop struggling! Do you want to wake up Jinyoung’s parents and explain to them what you were doing in their son’s bed?” Jaebum hissed, restraining Mark’s flailing arms above his head, holding on tightly to his wrists.

“Shut the fuck up, Jaebum!” Mark practically screeched, trying to use his legs now that his arms were constrained. Jaebum grunted in pain as Mark’s kneed him in his back.

“That hurt, you piece of shit!” Jaebum gasped, pressing Mark further into the ground.

“What the fuck is going on?” A voice whisper-yelled from the doorway, catching both boys off-guard. Jaebum still managed to keep his hold on Mark, head whipping around to face the source. Jinyoung was standing there in his old-man flannel pyjamas, a look of surprise mingled with rage on his face. “Jaebum, get the fuck off-“

“Oh, good we’re all here.” Jaebum swiftly cut across the younger boy. “This isn’t how I wanted to do it but beggars can’t be choosers. Jinyoung, could you tell your boyfriend to calm down so we can talk.”

“Excuse me? My what?” Jinyoung gasped out, choking on air as his eyes grew wide.  

“He started asking questions and I panicked,” Mark said as a form of explanation, eyeing Jinyoung intently. The younger boy seemed to finally catch up with what was actually happening, collecting himself as he walked over to them. Jaebum noted that neither of them denied the boyfriend comment.

“Ok, we are so not doing this in my living room with my parents asleep down the fucking hall,” Jinyoung hissed, looking over his shoulder; paranoid. “Get up. Both of you. Outside. Now.” He ordered through gritted teeth. Jaebum watched Jinyoung stride towards the back door, back as stiff as a board, still wearing his slippers.

“Are you going to run?” Jaebum asked a now limp Mark.

“No, there’s no point now.” Mark bit out hopelessly. Jaebum didn’t like the desolate look in his eyes but he was at loss as for how to comfort Mark.

They each got up and grabbed a pair of shoes before venturing out into Jinyoung’s frosty back garden grass. The youngest of them led Jaebum and Mark to the rusty swing set at the very end of his garden. Jaebum immediately sat down on one of the swings, swaying himself a little in the chilly morning air. Mark took the vacant one beside him while Jinyoung stood in front of them. Jinyoung’s mind looked like it was moving a mile a minute as he paced in front of the swings, eyes cast to the ground. Mark stared desperately up at Jinyoung, trying to catch his eye while Jaebum knew just to wait. Jinyoung would speak when he was ready.

“What do you think you know?” Jinyoung finally settled on, standing in front of Jaebum with his arms crossed.

“Youngjae thinks you two are dating.”

“And you?” Jinyoung pressed, slightly shivering from either the cold or the conversation; Jaebum wasn’t sure.

“I can see it.”

“And if we were?” Jinyoung’s voice wobbled for the first time that morning, eyes downcast, staring solemnly at his now soggy slippers.

“I’d be happy for you,” Jaebum said as sincerely as he could, Jinyoung’s shoulders relaxing somewhat. “Both of you.” He tacked on at the end, smiling over at a hopeful Mark.

“I’m okay with telling him if you are,” Mark spoke up then, voice gentle and tentative as he leaned forward on the swing. Jaebum watched as Mark and Jinyoung communicated with their eyes alone.

“We’ve, uh, well, we’ve been dating since the fight, ok?” Jinyoung conceded, forcing himself to tear his eyes away from Mark and look Jaebum dead in the eye. “We wanted to keep it to ourselves at first because, well, it was just easier for us,” Jinyoung stopped himself, looking back over at Mark before continuing in a quiet voice. “No, it was easier for me. I didn’t want to have to think about things like my sexuality or my family or the company or even you guys.” Jinyoung rambled, words starting to run together, his anxiety blurring them into one sentence. Mark and Jaebum were both up on their feet, ready to console him, but Jinyoung waved them off, taking a deep breath and composing himself. “I was just so happy, y’know? I’m sorry for lying.” Jinyoung apologised, eyes watery, but he was keeping it together. Without a second thought, Jaebum pulled his oldest friend into the tightest hug he could.

“Look, as far as the company and the boys go, I’ve got your back. It’s been you and I from the very beginning, ‘Nyoungie.” Jaebum murmured into Jinyoung’s shoulder before pulling back to face him head-on. “Anything you need, and I mean anything, you come to me and I’ll do my best to help.”

“Thanks, Jaebum. That means a lot.” Jinyoung sniffed, looking a bit embarrassed by the dramatics of it all, even though it was very Jinyoung. Mark casually reached out for Jinyoung’s hand, intertwining their fingers. Jaebum could feel Mark looking at and simply met his gaze questioningly.

“Are you not worried about members dating each other?” Mark asked, finally airing out his thoughts. It was a fair assumption. The worry of what this might do to the group was the one thing that might induce him to put his foot down as the leader and insist they don’t pursue this. Looking at their two hands clasped tightly together Jaebum didn’t think he’d need to worry all that much.

“Are you guys serious about this? Is this what you both want?”

“Yes.” Jinyoung answered without a hint of hesitation. He ducked his head bashfully, his cheeks colouring slightly; no doubt afraid to seem too eager. Jaebum couldn’t remember the last time he saw Mark smile so big.

“You know that it’s only been him for a while now.” Mark shrugged like he was telling Jaebum the sky was blue. Jinyoung’s face somehow became redder, shaking his head in amazement.

“Then I’ll just have to trust that you know what you’re doing.” Jaebum sighed, sitting back down on his swing. Mark and Jinyoung followed suit, Mark sitting on Jinyoung’s lap, the younger’s arms keeping Mark secure and safe.

“But, I have a favour to ask,” Jaebum announced, the couple beside him looking a bit uneasy at the request. “Tell Youngjae. He’ll be pissed if he finds out I knew before he did. He’s really rooting for you two. Youngjae’s actually texting me as we speak asking what the hell is going on.” Jaebum laughed, showing them his screen that was slowly filling with threatening messages from Youngjae. Jinyoung read a few, more amused than Jaebum would’ve liked.

“Ring him now.” Jinyoung decided, resting his chin on Mark’s shoulder.

“You sure?” Mark checked, turning slightly so he could see Jinyoung’s expression.

“Yeah. We have time before we have to get ready for our flight, right?” Jinyoung seemed to be treating this all with a quite blasé attitude but Jaebum noticed how he was fidgeting with Mark’s hands nervously. Still, Jinyoung made no move to stop Jaebum as he got Youngjae’s contact open. All three of them tried and failed to discreetly keep an eye on the house in case someone came to see why they were outside. Jaebum made sure to put his phone on speaker so they could all hear the dial tone echoing through the empty garden. It rang only once, Youngjae’s phone clearly at hand.

 “Hey Young-”

“Im Jaebum, what the hell do you think you are doing hanging up on me like that? You’re lucky you’re literally miles away right now and you better hope I’ll have calmed down by the time I see you to-”

“Youngjae, listen!” Jaebum shouted over him, causing Jinyoung’s eyes to travel back down the path to the house, its presence heavy.

“Excuse me? You really are trying your luck-”

“Youngjae, please. You’re on speaker. I have Mark and Jinyoung with me.” Jaebum said a bit quieter but loud and stern enough that Youngjae actually gave him a chance to speak. There was nothing from Youngjae’s end for a moment as realisation sunk in.

“Oh.” They finally heard the younger boy breathe out. “Hey, guys. What’s going on?” Youngjae’s considerably calmer voice asked, suspicious nonetheless.

“Hey, Youngjae. It’s me, Jinyoung. Mark and I want to tell you something.” Jinyoung explained, leaning around Mark to get closer to the phone.

“Yes?” Youngjae pushed, barely containing the excitement in his voice. All three of them smiled endearingly at the phone as if it was Youngjae himself.

“You tell him,” Jinyoung whispered giddily into Mark’s ear, nudging him gently. Jinyoung watched Mark fondly as the older boy became visibly happier at the prospect of finally getting to tell Youngjae.

“We’re dating, Jae!” Mark burst out, looking ecstatic at simply being able to say it at last.

Youngjae’s response was immediate and violent. All they could hear was what sounded like a screech and then a series of crashes and cursing.

“Sorry! I was so excited I dropped my phone.” A breathless Youngjae greeted them down the line, sending them all into collective fits of laughter. It was like Youngjae was there with them in spirit.

Through his own tear-filled eyes, Jaebum watched his two friends and realised something. The way Jinyoung held onto Mark so he wouldn’t slip off his lap, the tender way Mark clutched at Jinyoung’s hand on his waist and the gentle looks they shared stuck with Jaebum. He wanted that.

Hearing Youngjae’s voice, a little distorted over the phone, made Jaebum wish Youngjae was beside him. Maybe they’d share a swing like Mark and Jinyoung, maybe they would fall on each other bubbling with laughter. Maybe Jaebum was delusional. He was certain of one thing, though. As the three of them sat there with Youngjae over the phone, cracking up, unable to stop themselves from laughing, Jaebum felt that warmth that had been bothering him ever since his conversation with Mark. This time he didn’t push it away. This time he welcomed it.

***

Days later Jaebum was heading home from the studio, the air biting at him in his thin leather jacket. He was only running back to grab the USB he’d stupidly left in his jean pocket, he would live. The USB was worth whatever cold he’d probably get, except Jaebum completely forgot about the USB’s existence as he ran headfirst into Youngjae at their front door. The younger boy was better prepared for the snowy weather outside, bundled in a big long coat with matching a scarf and gloves. The scarf came up over his nose, leaving his eyes to be the only indicator of who he was.

The dangerous thought ‘hug him’ crossed Jaebum’s mind before he swiftly pushed that idea away. Even Jaebum knew that attacking someone with an unwarranted hug after nearly trampling on them was a bad plan. It was only thanks to a furiously barking Coco pulling at his leg that Jaebum belatedly realised he was being spoken to. Jaebum felt a surge of pride as he looked down at Coco wearing the outfit he’d bought and given to Youngjae for her. The sales assistant had been right; the furry menace looked adorable. Jaebum almost didn’t mind the fact she was currently trying to eat his shoelaces.

“Are you even listening to me?” Youngjae’s muffled voice finally broke through as he slapped Jaebum’s chest, the force momentarily winding him.

“Of course! I’m always listening.” Jaebum lied, doing his best to look offended but it was hard to keep a straight face when Youngjae looked so cute.

“What did I just say then?” Youngjae smirked.

“Uh, you, uhm, just asked if I wanted to go on a walk with you and Coco.” Jaebum replied cheekily, snickering when Coco pulled harder on her lead at the ‘W’ word. “Oh, you like walks don’t you, Coco?” Jaebum asked, only adding to the frenzy, ignoring Youngjae’s protests. “Walk, walk, walkies!” Jaebum sing-songed, moving out of the open door and watching in amusement as Youngjae was dragged by a dog ten times smaller than him out the door.

“You’re the worst,” Youngjae complained, digging his heels in so he could turn around and stare at Jaebum expectantly.

“What?”

“You’re not coming on the walk you just invited yourself to?” Youngjae asked, cocking his head to the side, one eyebrow raised in challenge. The USB could wait. “Don’t worry, this’ll be a quick walk,” Youngjae promised, eyeing the hoody and light jacket Jaebum was wearing. The older boy did his best not to shiver too visibly, pulling his sleeves over his bare hands. “I’m meeting Charlie in a little while so this is the only chance I’ll have to walk her today.”

Despite the cold Jaebum was a bit disappointed to hear they were on a tight schedule. He would’ve liked to spend more time with just Youngjae. Maybe even get lunch or coffee so they could just hang out like old times. Jaebum assured Youngjae he was more than happy to tag along for as long as Youngjae and Coco would have him. They walked for a while down small side streets through the snow, three sets of prints in the white ground.

“I like Coco’s outfit, by the way,” Jaebum mentioned, nodding down at the hoody and socks set the dog was wearing. Jaebum would recognize those damn socks anywhere. He’d spent a good hour agonizing over whether he should get them in yellow or blue.  “It suits her. Whoever bought it must have good taste.” Jaebum smirked, side-eying Youngjae, waiting for the younger boy to bite back, anticipating it. Damn Choi Youngjae for being a man full of surprises.

“Thanks, my dumb best friend bought it for me,” Youngjae responded shyly, eyes trained on Coco as they crossed the street to get to their local park. Jaebum almost didn’t follow him over, caught off guard by the sincerity in Youngjae’s words. It felt good to hear Youngjae say that. So good that the cold didn’t really bother Jaebum anymore. The fact he should be getting the USB or working on that song right now instead of messing around hardly crossed his mind. All Jaebum could think of was Youngjae’s words spreading through him like electricity. Jaebum ducked his head once he reached Youngjae’s side again, not wanting the younger boy to see how Jaebum’s eyes were watering. They were both quiet as they walked through the gate, Youngjae letting Coco off her lead once they were safely inside the park. Jaebum tried his best to discreetly dab at his eyes, leaning his head back as if he could will the water back into his eyes.

“Oh my god. Are you crying?” Youngjae gasped, his attention no longer on the dog rolling herself in the snow. Jaebum immediately turned so his back was facing the younger, crouching on the ground and cursing the frosty wind as it made his eyes water even more.

“No, I just have snow in my eye,” Jaebum grunted, giving in and rubbing at his eye. He felt stupid when his hand came away damp, wiping his hand on his jeans in disgust.

“It’s not snowing.” Youngjae pointed out, coming up behind Jaebum, towering over him for once. Jaebum stared down at the snow and did the first thing his dumb brain thought of. Thinking quickly he grabbed a handful of the freezing stuff and stood up, turning to face Youngjae, his hand behind his back. The younger boy looked ready to tease Jaebum further upon seeing Jaebum’s undoubtedly pink eyes, his own scrunching up cutely.

“Now it is.” Jaebum retorted, sprinkling the soft snow onto a shocked Youngjae’s head and eliciting a shriek from the boy. Jaebum flung himself backward, trying to dodge Youngjae’s attempts at smacking him but only succeeding in falling on his butt. It didn’t even feel like it hurt. Jaebum was laughing so hard he wouldn’t have noticed. He also failed to notice how Youngjae was gathering handfuls of snow himself until the younger boy was standing over Jaebum and dumping it all on Jaebum’s chest. What ensued was the most competitive and brutal snowball fight Jaebum had ever experienced filled with high-pitched yells, explicit death threats and sadistic cackling with Coco chasing after Youngjae the entire time. Jaebum put up a good fight but after a while he started to lose feeling in his hands, making it difficult to make snowballs never mind throw said snowballs at a constantly moving Youngjae.

“I surrender!” Jaebum eventually shouted, stepping out from his hiding place behind a bench. Jaebum didn’t like admitting defeat but he liked having hands a lot more than winning. Youngjae popped his head out from behind a nearby tree, eyes squinted in suspicion as he eyed Jaebum up and down. Jaebum carefully approached, holding his red raw hands up to show they were in fact empty.

“Oh my god, Jaebum, your hands!” Youngjae exclaimed, dropping the snowballs he had in his hands and running towards Jaebum. “Why don’t you have gloves on?” The younger scolded, taking off his damp gloves, grabbing Jaebum’s colds hands and rubbing them between his own. Jaebum just stood there transfixed, staring as Youngjae breathed hot air onto Jaebum’s icicle-like fingers.

“You must be freezing, you idiot! Why didn’t you say something sooner?” Youngjae continued to chastise, letting go of Jaebum’s hands momentarily only to take his scarf off and wrap it around a shocked Jaebum’s neck. Jaebum tried to protest but Youngjae ignored him, making sure the scarf went up over Jaebum’s mouth, effectively shutting him up.

“I was having so much fun I forgot.” Jaebum murmured through the scarf, watching as Youngjae took his gloves and put them gently on Jaebum’s numb hands. Jaebum winced as he clenched and unclenched his fist, testing the feel of the gloves.

“Not so fun now, huh?” Youngjae scoffed, shaking his head and resuming his attempts at generating heat in Jaebum’s hands. Jaebum let him, burying his face in the softness of Youngjae’s scarf. The scent of Youngjae’s aftershave filled his senses reminding Jaebum of their roommate days when they shared a mattress, the pillows and duvet always smelling like each other. Jaebum looked at Youngjae fondly as the younger continued to mutter about how stupid Jaebum was and how the older would probably catch a cold. They were so close Jaebum could see the flakes of snow in Youngjae’s hair that hadn’t melted yet.

“I don’t mind as long as I have you to look after me,” Jaebum confessed, huddling closer to Youngjae as a particularly cold blast of wind blew by.

“Who said I’d be the one looking after you?” Youngjae rebuked, his actions contradicting his words as he was rubbing his hands up and down Jaebum’s arms to warm the older up. With his hands-free Jaebum brushed the last bits of snow out of Youngjae’s hair, the younger mumbling a soft “thank you”.

“We should head home. It’s getting late.” Jaebum pointed out, looking up at the darkening sky. The mention of time sent a jolt through Youngjae, making Jaebum jump in fright too.

“Oh god, what time is it? I have to meet Charlie.” Youngjae fretted, pulling away from Jaebum to search for his phone. Jaebum missed the warmth instantly, wrapping his own arms around himself while Youngjae cursed down at his phone.

“I was supposed to meet him five minutes ago. I gotta text him let him know I’m on my way. Where’s Coco?” Youngjae rambled, simultaneously typing away on his phone while he searched the park for the dog who was currently digging up snow beside them.

“She’s here. I’ll grab her.” Jaebum offered, easily scooping Coco up and tucking her into his jacket. “Where are you meeting him? We’ll walk with you.” Jaebum suggested, walking over to a stressed Youngjae who was still typing something on his phone.

“Outside the company.” Youngjae exhaled, eyes glued to his phone.

“Oh, that’s only a short walk. We’ll be there in no time, don’t worry.” Jaebum reassured him. It seemed to do very little as Youngjae continued to worry at his lip, striding quickly through the snow towards the gate. Jaebum trailed behind him, selfishly wishing he’d kept his mouth shut.

***

Youngjae was ten minutes late. Apparently, Coco had gone missing in the park and the search had held him up. It wasn’t a big deal, Youngjae being late, but Charlie was getting more worried as time dragged on. He felt awkward standing outside the company in the freezing cold. If any of his colleagues saw him they’d be confused and probably ask questions. It was his day off after all. He pulled his hat down lower as he checked his phone again for messages. Nothing.

“Charlie!” A familiar voice yelled, causing Charlie to look up the sound coming from his right. There Youngjae was, half-jogging to him, hands waving wildly to get Charlie’s attention. Youngjae’s shining energy was infectious and Charlie found himself grinning and his heart beating faster despite how long he’d been waiting in the cold. Charlie waved back only then noticing the figure coming up behind Youngjae. He’d just assumed Youngjae had been alone. “I’m so sorry, Charlie!” Youngjae breathlessly apologized, throwing his arms around Charlie and pulling him into a bone crushing hug.

Charlie assured him it was fine, looking over Youngjae’s shoulder to find out it was his band member, Jaebum, that was with Youngjae. Charlie had no problem with the guy, or with any of Youngjae’s bandmates for that matter, but Jaebum definitely seemed to have a bone to pick with Charlie. Even now as he approached them Jaebum was frowning at him. Youngjae pulled back to explain in person how Coco had gone missing in the snow but Charlie was only vaguely listening, looking at what Jaebum was wearing as the man got closer.

Maybe he was just being paranoid but Charlie swore that the scarf Jaebum was swaddled in was Youngjae’s. He’d seen it countless times on Youngjae with it being the boy’s favourite scarf, but right now his boyfriend wasn’t even wearing a scarf, something he hadn’t done even once in this kind of weather.

“Sup, Chris?” Jaebum called out, sidling up to them with a sleeping Coco cradled in his arms.

“Nothing much. How are you, Jaehyun?” Charlie responded before Youngjae could, his boyfriend looking ready to fight Jaebum.

“You’re both ridiculous.” Youngjae groaned, shaking his head in dismay. “Jaebum was just going now anyway, right, Jaebum?” Youngjae prompted eagerly, turning to his bandmate and giving him a look.

“Alright, alright. I know when I’m not wanted. I’ll take Coco home.” Jaebum nodded, backing up the way he came.

“Hey! Let me say goodbye to my baby first.” Youngjae complained, pulling Jaebum back and leaning down to cutely dote on an oblivious Coco. Charlie tore his eyes away from the adorable display to look at Jaebum. He was staring down at Youngjae, a soft smile playing on his lips. The way Jaebum gazed at Youngjae reminded Charlie of the way his mum would lovingly look at his dad like he hung the stars and moon and sun just for her. Youngjae seemed completely blind to the affection pouring out of Jaebum but Charlie saw it. It was written all over him, clear as day. A bitter feeling pooled in his stomach, venom coursing through his veins at the sight. Charlie wasn’t the jealous type, he thought that sort of drama was stupid, but seeing another man look at his boyfriend like that pissed him off. He trusted Youngjae, he did, but he didn’t trust Jaebum. He didn’t care that Jaebum was supposedly straight and just Youngjae’s friend or bandmate or whatever he was. Youngjae continued playing with Coco, blissfully unaware, but Charlie could clearly see it.

Jaebum, whether he knew it yet or not, had feelings for Youngjae.

Chapter Text

Today had been hard, difficult to say the least. They had finally debuted as seven. Jaebum knew debuting wouldn’t fix everything or make things easier. There would still be pressure and criticism but today had been something else. Jaebum knew they were in trouble without even having to watch back on their performance. He saw it in the tight-lips and crossed arms of their manager as they walked into the waiting room. They were all sweaty and breathless, the youngest two looking alarmingly exhausted; their legs slightly shaking from standing up.

Nevertheless, their manager forced them all to stand and kept the stylists with their mini fans and towels at bay. Yugyeom hungrily eyed the water bottles on the other side of the room while their manager paced in front of them, tsking under his breath every now and then. Jaebum bowed his head and waited for whatever criticism it would be this time. Surprisingly, the older man didn’t stop in front of Jaebum but rather the other end of the line, glowering at Youngjae.

Apparently, Youngjae had made multiple mistakes in the choreo. Jaebum clenched his jaw to keep himself from speaking up as their manager, who had never danced in front of a crowd in his life, lay into Youngjae. The kid was just that; a kid. A kid that was barely seventeen who had just started dancing in the last year. They all knew how hard Youngjae worked to keep up with the years of experience the others all had but no one said a word. Everyone was too afraid that one wrong move would cause all of this to crumble. Debuting was nothing in comparison to how hard making it work would be, how much they’d have to strive to gain popularity and once they got it Jaebum knew they would have to cling onto it for dear life.

Eventually, their manager finished his lecture and they all muttered a subdued “sorry” as was expected of them. It only seemed to irritate him more as he stormed out of the waiting room without another word. They all immediately collapsed into the closest chairs they could find, the stylist pouncing on them to fix their makeup and hair. Jaebum stayed standing, his way of punishing himself a little for what went down. He was their leader and so naturally it fell back on him. Jaebum grabbed six waters, handing them out to each member quietly. Youngjae was the only one who didn’t acknowledge him even when Jaebum left the ice-cold water bottle on the boy’s lap. Youngjae kept his eyes closed, head tilted back as a stylist dabbed at his neck with a tissue.

The drive home had been a quiet one, most of the members dozing in the car. Jaebum deliberately sat between Youngjae and Jinyoung in the very back so he could comfort his roommate if needed, but when Jaebum tried to say something Youngjae cut him off, assuring Jaebum he was fine. The younger proceeded to lean his head against the window and pretend to sleep. Jaebum knew he wasn’t really sleeping from his breathing. These were things you picked up on when you shared a bed with someone for months.

Jaebum turned to Jinyoung for help but his best friend was already falling asleep on Jaebum’s shoulder so Jaebum let him rest, closing his own eyes after a short while. He must’ve fallen asleep himself as the next thing Jaebum remembers is Jinyoung shaking him awake and opening his eyes to find no one beside him.

“Where’s Youngjae?” Jaebum yawned as he sluggishly maneuvered himself out of the car.

“The company. He shot up once we parked and said he was going. We were all too tired to stop him.” Jinyoung explained, tacking on an uncertain “sorry” afterward.

“No, I should’ve been awake to stop him myself. I’ll follow after him now.” Jaebum grunted, patting Jinyoung’s back and waving goodbye before heading down the familiar street towards the company building.

All Jaebum wanted to do was sleep but here he was trekking through the unforgiving night as he had so many months ago for the same boy. He realised about halfway there he really should’ve showered as his horrendous stage outfit was sticking uncomfortably against his skin, but Jaebum knew once he showered and cleaned up he would’ve only gotten drowsier. He needed to be awake so he could drag Youngjae home.

Jaebum wasn’t going to let Youngjae push himself past his limits whether he liked it or not, but Jaebum was confused to find an empty practice room, their title track blasting from the speakers on loop. So, Youngjae had been here but where was he now?

Jaebum really the hated the company right then for their no phone policy. It didn’t make any fucking sense when situations like this could easily happen. Taking deep breaths, Jaebum resolved to find some responsible competent member of staff and ask them had they seen Youngjae. Jaebum hoped that he hadn’t somehow walked by the younger boy without realising it in his sleep-deprived zombie state.

After a half hour of straining muscles through hallways, Jaebum finally came across one of their vocal coaches heading home for the night. She not only knew who Jaebum was talking about, unlike some of the others he’d questioned, but she had actually seen Youngjae recently. According to her Youngjae had been climbing the right stairwell on the third floor.

‘So, he’s on the roof.’ Jaebum mused, his legs already twingeing at the thought of more stairs. He made a mental note to down some painkillers once he got home as he climbed the stairs two at a time.

A broken sob was the first sound Jaebum registered when he walked out onto the freezing roof. It was dark up there, though, and he couldn’t pick Youngjae’s small figure out at first. The younger boy was curled in on himself, his back against the roof’s wall and his face hidden in his arms. The scraping of the rusty company door caught Youngjae’s attention, his head whipping up and spotting Jaebum immediately. The older boy stared as Youngjae’s shocked face crumpled in on itself like a piece paper being crushed in someone’s hand.

The younger’s boys face vanished again as he buried his head in his arms once more, crying harder this time. Jaebum closed the door behind him as quietly as he could and made his way over to his roommate. Jaebum couldn’t help the hiss he let out as he settled himself beside Youngjae on the ground, a bit of distance between them in an attempt to be polite.

“You shouldn’t let him get to you, y’know. The staff’s just being hard on us because we’re still rookies.” Jaebum murmured while Youngjae visibly tried to compose himself with shuddering breaths. Jaebum stared at the other side of the roof and let Youngjae think he didn’t notice.  “Just you watch; tomorrow it’ll be me or Jackson or even Jinyoung.” Jaebum shrugged, side-eyeing Youngjae’s side-profile before turning his head up to the pitch-black sky. He wished the sky didn’t always look so empty in Seoul. It would be nice to see some genuine stars rather than planes and satellites. Youngjae’s quavering but angry voice tore Jaebum’s attention away from the desolate night.

“No, it won’t. You’ve all trained longer. You’re all actually talented and you all have something to contribute to the group. I have nothing to give.” The younger ranted hopelessly, slightly muffled from his face being squished against his arms.

“That’s not true. You’re the strongest vocalist we have.” Jaebum reassured him, staring as Youngjae’s hunched over form tensed.

“The strongest vocal who can only be trusted to sing ad-libs.” Youngjae bit out, sitting up only to glare at the ground like Jaebum wasn’t even there. “But I guess it makes sense since I can’t even get the dance right. Why should they give me actual lines?” Youngjae barked sarcastically but a few stray tears remained, painting silver streaks down his cheeks.

“Look, kid, I don’t know why they made that decision. Honestly, half my lines would sound better sung by you and that’s just a fact.” Jaebum paused, turning his whole body to face his roommate. Youngjae glanced over at him but refused to meet his eyes, keeping his gaze trained on the dirty roof floor. “I- I wish they’d give you more recognition because, well, because that’s what you deserve. The company isn’t right to make you question yourself like this.” Turning to the side to give Youngjae a moment to hide his tears, Jaebum hesitated for a second before continuing, wanting to make the younger feel better about himself. “The company makes terrible decisions all the time, Youngjae. Look at Jackson's hair. Like, look at mine!" Jaebum joked, pulling a face and tugging at the dyed strands.

His efforts proved successful as Youngjae's sniffles turned into giggles and hiccups. If Jaebum could make Youngjae smile after such a shitty day as today then maybe he wasn’t the worst leader. Maybe Jaebum would be able to do his job properly and look out for the members like he promised he would months ago.

"It suits you, though." Youngjae sighed, trying and failing to discreetly rub snot onto his sleeve. The kid was really too nice for his own good, his heart was simply too big. Jaebum’s hair was a “tragedy” according to Jinyoung who had laughed the second Jaebum came home from the hair salon, yet here Youngjae was, trying to make Jaebum feel better about something as silly as hair when he was the one who deserved looking after. Jaebum hoped the industry wouldn't take away that kindness.

"Thanks, I guess.” Jaebum chuckled lowly, ruffling his own hair, unsure of what to do with himself. Jaebum could slowly see Youngjae going back into himself as the silence between them dragged. The younger boy’s shoulders slumped, his eyes glassy like he was caught up in his own thoughts. “I meant it when I said you're our strongest vocal. You know that, right?" Jaebum muttered, prodding Youngjae’s thigh with his foot. Youngjae kept his head down as he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, shaking his head like he didn’t believe Jaebum. "I wouldn't lie to you like that. I mean, for your age and considering the short amount of time you've trained you show great promise. And yeah, you messed up today, but you came here and tried to practice like an idiot instead of sleeping. It's that almost dangerous determination that sets you apart from the rest of the trainees.” Jaebum pressed. Whatever he was doing was giving Youngjae enough reason to hold his eye contact for the first time that night. The kid mustn’t have taken his makeup off yet as his eyes were surrounded by black, like a panda’s. Jaebum decided it was endearing and very Youngjae-like. “That's why you're part of the team. JYP knows you're going to outshine Jinyoung and me one day."

Youngjae looked scandalised by that, his body unconsciously turning towards Jaebum.

"I- I could never be better than you!" Youngjae spluttered out, almost like he was offended on Jaebum’s behalf.

"But you could surpass N'youngie?" Jaebum teased, laughing over Youngjae's flustered attempts to correct himself. "It's ok. This is just between the two of us, right?" Jaebum grinned conspiratorially. Youngjae shyly nodded along, ducking his head again.  

What was left unsaid was the fact that Jaebum wouldn't tell the others about Youngjae crying or about his fears and doubts. It would just stay between them, the polluted Seoul skyline and the invisible stars.

"Come on. Let's go home and sleep." Jaebum suggested, cringing as the muscles in his legs squeezed painfully tight when he stood. He immediately held a hand out to Youngjae, pulling him up into a standing position beside Jaebum. Youngjae still seemed embarrassed, mumbling apologies about the late hour and dragging Jaebum out to the company. The older boy shushed Youngjae as they crossed the roof, easily throwing an arm around the younger boy.

They walked all the way home like that. They didn't feel the need to talk, the aching bones and sheer exhaustion of the other understood by both boys. Jaebum resolved to take better care of Youngjae, to look out for the younger boy and make sure he was doing alright. Everything Jaebum had told Youngjae was true; the boy was unbelievably talented and, with the right support, he would go far. Jaebum decided he’d be that support, that shoulder to cry on or hand to hold.

Later when they lay on their shared mattress Jaebum stared up at the ceiling, his eyelids and brain heavy with lack of sleep. Still, like most nights, a part of him clung to consciousness. Beside him Youngjae snored lightly, dead to the world. Jaebum envied him. He’s not sure how much time had passed before Youngjae started shuffling around in his sleep.

Looking back on it Jaebum kind of wished he had thought to check the time because now he realised that it had probably been the beginning of everything.

If Jaebum hadn’t moved when Youngjae rolled over onto Jaebum's chest, no one need know. If Jaebum had smiled when Youngjae snuggled in closer to him, no one need know. If Jaebum had fallen asleep quicker than he ever had before with that added warmth by his side, no one need know.

It had just been between the two of them and those invisible stars hanging in the sky.

Chapter Text

With the sky slowly darkening and the temperature dropping Youngjae almost regretted giving Jaebum his scarf and his gloves. Thankfully, himself and Charlie were only a few minutes from the dorm. They walked beside one another, Youngjae huddling closer to steal some of Charlie’s warmth, the other boy holding Youngjae’s bare hand tightly with his gloved one.

Charlie was telling Youngjae about some work-related drama that was going on in the JYP building, the normal everyday stuff he wasn’t privy to as an idol. It wasn’t boring, and any other time Youngjae would’ve gladly listened to Charlie’s soothing voice accompanied by the crunching of snow under their shoes, but Youngjae’s mind just wasn’t fully there. He may have been physically standing on that snowy road but his head was somewhere else entirely; namely back in that park with Jaebum.

It had been a strangely nice afternoon that Youngjae would have never predicted.  It had been the first time in a long time that he had felt solely happy around Jaebum without a single moment becoming tarnished by the past. Instead, he had been able to just enjoy himself and enjoy spending time with Jaebum. Unfortunately, this led Youngjae into becoming so wrapped in up Jaebum that he had forgotten about Charlie and their plans to meet up; a fact he could hardly ignore with said boy chattering animatedly by his side. The thought, coupled with the warm image of Jaebum laughing in the snow, hit him with another pang of guilt. Charlie hadn’t even been the slightest bit annoyed at how late Youngjae was when he had every right to be. He really didn’t deserve the bright boy beside him.

For the first time in a while, Youngjae took a moment to look at Charlie, properly look at him, fully drink him in and think about something he’d been running from; his feelings. Charlie was in no doubt attractive with a strong nose, sharp jawline and his blue-green eyes gleaming with excitement from whatever he was talking about. His maple brown hair was growing longer and would need to be cut soon as it kept falling in his eyes but it still suited him somehow. Finally, Youngjae glanced down at Charlie’s lips, moving awkwardly around the Korean syllables he was still unsure of with just as much enthusiasm as when he spoke English. Youngjae could only come to the conclusion that he liked Charlie, but he wasn’t sure if that was enough anymore.

Youngjae wanted more. He wanted to have that same depth of feeling he used to have for Jaebum. It just felt like something was missing or holding his heart back from opening up to Charlie and it was honestly starting to annoy Youngjae. Why couldn’t he just let go? The only thing that was standing in his way was himself and his ridiculous over-thinking. He should just take the plunge and kiss Charlie. Youngjae would be lying if he said he hadn’t been thinking about doing just that for weeks. Maybe that’s what their relationship has been missing this whole time. Maybe if he just kissed Charlie he would feel all the heart-racing, stomach churning, tingly feelings that movies talked about. With the resolution made Youngjae tuned back into the conversation. They were coming up to Youngjae’s front door and Charlie still didn’t seem finished with his story but his excitement had increased ten-fold.

“Since Chahun’s a bit of an asshole and loves seeing me suffer,” Charlie continued, smiling at Youngjae as he held the door open for him. “He would only relent if I promised to buy him lunch every day for the rest of the month which isn’t actually as bad as I feared.” Charlie shrugged, a wide grin on his face which Youngjae mimicked despite how completely lost he was. “But long story short, guess who’s coming along to support you at all your international fanmeets?” Charlie singsonged, practically hopping up and down outside Youngjae’s dorm.

“Oh my god, are you serious?” Youngjae squealed, pulling a laughing Charlie in for a hug. Charlie continued to laugh as his arms snaked around Youngjae’s waist. He let himself bask in the attention before pulling back until he was only a few inches from the other boy’s face, his hands resting on Charlie’s shoulders. The other boy instantly looked worried.

“What’s wrong? Was I too forward? I know I should’ve asked first but-”

“No, I’m glad you did. I just- oh this is so embarrassing.” Youngjae mumbled, averting his eyes from Charlie’s wide ones to stare at his own hands curling around the boy’s jacket. Youngjae could feel his cheeks heating up as he forced his next words out. “Can I kiss you?” Youngjae practically whispered, stealing a glance at Charlie to see the boy’s eyes widen impossibly further.

“Yes!” Charlie blurted out enthusiastically, louder than he probably meant to, making both of them jump before dissolving into nervous giggles like two little kids. “Yes,” Charlie repeated softly, a smile still tugging shyly at his mouth as he tentatively leaned into Youngjae’s space. “If you’re sure?” Charlie questioned, cupping Youngjae’s face with his hands and stepping closer until Youngjae’s breaths were practically mingling with Charlie’s, their noses almost touching but not quite.

Youngjae’s heart was racing, a million thoughts flying through his head; what if he sneezed or coughed or what if his breath smelt and Charlie never spoke to him again. He did his best to silence the voices whirring around his mind, focusing instead on all the little flecks of colour in Charlie’s eyes, the soothing blues, greens, and greys. Youngjae had said it now. He had made his decision and he was going to stick with it. He was going to see this through no matter how nerve-wracking it all felt. Silently he nodded that yes, he was sure, leaning further into Charlie’s space before he could get in another word. Youngjae tentatively pushed forward, closing the almost non-existent gap between them, his eyes clenched shut as their lips finally met.

Youngjae wasn’t sure what he had expected his first kiss to be like. When he was younger he used to always imagine it would be a girl. All he had to go off for reference were movies and dramas and maybe they set his expectations too high, with the promise of fireworks and the protagonists’ hearts racing from how happy they are to finally kiss the one . Were all the books he read lies too? The authors that described in detail how kissing caused a certain warm feeling to spread from the chest throughout the body, leaving the person giddy from the high, was all that just fiction?  Because when Charlie's lips pressed against his, soft and tender as if Youngjae was precious, he felt nothing.

The kiss wasn’t unpleasant, it just didn’t make Youngjae feel the electricity and thrill he had been promised as a young teen. It didn’t leave him chasing Charlie’s lips when the other boy pulled back slightly to gauge Youngjae’s reaction or have Youngjae pulling Charlie in for another long kiss once they made eye contact. Youngjae tried his best to draw on those compulsory acting lessons JYP gave them, feigning bashfulness as he ducked his head to avoid Charlie’s searching gaze.

“That was nice.” Youngjae murmured, slackening his death grip on Charlie’s jacket and doing his best to calm the maelstrom of thoughts in his head.

He knew it was wrong to lie. Charlie didn’t deserve the dishonesty but Youngjae was still trying to sort out his feelings or perhaps lack thereof. That alone was causing him to freak out a little. What were you supposed to say when your boyfriend kisses you and it just isn’t what you thought it would be?

“Ah, you’re so cute.” Charlie teased, pressing a kiss to Youngjae’s head before pulling him into a tight hug.

Youngjae felt sick to his stomach from the guilt as he slowly wrapped his arms around Charlie’s waist, burying his head in the other boy’s chest. They stayed like that for a few moments, one boy feeling lighter than he had in weeks while the other was weighed down with realisations he wasn’t yet ready to face.

“I should probably head inside, it’s getting late,” Youngjae muttered into Charlie’s coat, producing a genuine yawn to prove his point, causing Charlie to laugh. The other boy squeezed Youngjae closer one last time before letting him go and fixing Youngjae with a toothy grin. Youngjae gave his best try at matching Charlie’s enthusiasm, praying it didn’t fall flat.

“Can I have a good night kiss?” Charlie asked cutely, cocking his head to the side and tugging on Youngjae’s hand to keep him in place.

Youngjae could barely meet Charlie’s hopeful glittering eyes. Not trusting his voice anymore Youngjae nodding numbly and allowed Charlie to take the lead this time. There was a naïve part of Youngjae that hoped he would like this kiss better, that hoped the first kiss had been overshadowed by his nerves. Charlie would kiss him now and he would feel everything he was supposed to have felt the first time around. Charlie’s smiling lips met Youngjae’s once more, lingering longer than last time but still just as caring and sweet.

And Youngjae still felt nothing.

Youngjae watched, overwhelmed with disappointment, from the top of the stairs as Charlie practically skipped all the way home, grinning from ear to ear. All Youngjae could do was lamely wave, willing the tears to stay away while Charlie was still able to see him. Once out of sight, Youngjae’s shoulders sagged, his hand still hovering in the air mid-wave and his eyes glossier than he would like to admit. As if on auto-pilot Youngjae took his keys out of his pocket and unlocked the door, stepping inside, toeing off his shoes and closing the door quietly behind him. Youngjae just stayed in the hallway like that, standing there still in his coat, partially confused but mostly disappointed. He wanted to make things work with Charlie, but something wasn’t clicking and Youngjae knew it was all from his end. Charlie clearly had felt some sort of spark that Youngjae had not. It hurt his head to think about it all. Why couldn’t his dumb brain keep things simple for once?

Youngjae tried to push away all the conflicting thoughts and feelings he was having. He needed sleep right now; he could try to face them again in the morning. With a sigh, Youngjae made his way to the living room only to freeze on the spot. A single lamp was lit casting the room in a dim glow and illuminating a solitary figure slumped on the couch.

“Jaebum?” Youngjae whispered, eliciting no response from the boy on the couch.

As Youngjae inched closer he noticed Jaebum’s eyes were closed, his head bowed in a way that looked uncomfortable for his neck. There was something cradled in the older boy’s hands that Youngjae instantly recognised as he stood in front of Jaebum. It was the scarf and gloves he’d lent him earlier. The sight alone made memories from their afternoon together flit through Youngjae’s mind, bringing a smile to his face. He really hoped Jaebum and him could do something like that again. Soon, before the fanmeets and comeback prep really kicked in.

Youngjae closed the short distance between them, reaching a hand out to touch Jaebum’s head. Youngjae carded his fingers through Jaebum’s hair carefully, his chest filling with fondness at the little noises Jaebum made in his sleep. He looked so peaceful like that, none of the intimidating serious leader persona Jaebum always tried to maintain. Youngjae knew he should wake the older boy and send him to bed otherwise Jaebum’s neck would probably be stiff tomorrow. Although, there was a selfish part of Youngjae that just wanted to stay like this but he knew that Jaebum’s back would thank him tomorrow. Youngjae moved his hand reluctantly down to Jaebum’s shoulder, giving it a gentle but firm shake until the older boy slowly started coming to. Jaebum almost gave Youngjae a heart attack as he suddenly jolted awake. He looked around, undoubtedly confused, nearly sliding off the couch with one of his legs hitting into Youngjae and alerting the older boy to Youngjae’s presence. Youngjae had to bit his lip to keep his giggles in. Sleep-addled Jaebum was truly one of the cutest things Youngjae had ever been lucky enough to witness.

“Ugh, what time is it?” Jaebum groaned, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands as he righted himself into a sitting position. Youngjae’s fingers had mussed Jaebum’s hair up a bit, a few of the stray longer strands falling into his eyes.

“Bedtime.” Youngjae deadpanned, ignoring how his hands itched to push Jaebum’s hair off his forehead. “Why are you out here on the couch? Jackson finally have enough of your blanket hogging?” Youngjae joked, folding his arms and pretending he didn’t get enjoyment from the affronted look on Jaebum’s face as he fixed his hair.

“Me?!” Jaebum spluttered incredulously as if Youngjae was personally attacking him. “ I was the one who had to wrangle that blanket out of your inhumanely strong hands every night because I was slowly dying of hypothermia.”  Jaebum sulked, making Youngjae cackle out loud despite the time of night. Jaebum had a point though. They used to always argue over the blankets, especially in the beginning. The late hour and Jaebum’s sleepy face reminded Youngjae of those late winter nights spent pulling at that thin blanket the company supplied them. It'd always come to pass that one of them would give up and settle for curling themselves around the other for warmth. “ But , to answer your first question, I fell asleep waiting up for you,” Jaebum admitted distractedly as he rubbed at his sore neck, unaware of how his honesty affected Youngjae.

“Why?” Youngjae asked, voicing the first thing that came into his mind. Jaebum had never done anything like that before, not even when they had shared a bed back in the day. Jaebum seemed almost confused by the question as if the answer was obvious.

“I wanted to see you before I went to sleep.” Jaebum said simply, tugging Youngjae’s wrist slightly out of the crossed arm position all the while smiling up at him. Youngjae was starting to wish he had left Jaebum to sleep on the couch.

“So you could return my gloves and scarf?” Youngjae added as it was the only reason that made sense to him right now. Jaebum rolled his eyes at Youngjae, shaking his head in amazement.

“Not just to return your stuff, silly. I wanted to see you; talk to you.” Jaebum murmured, emphasising his point by soothingly rubbing his thumb in circles on Youngjae’s wrist. His stomach did a little flip at Jaebum’s words, that all too familiar fluttery feeling of being around Jaebum. After all this time, and everything that had happened, Jaebum still affected Youngjae more than he himself was willing to acknowledge. “Hey,” The older boy called out, pulling at Youngjae’s wrist gently to drag the younger boy out of his own thoughts. “What’s wrong? Did something happen with Charlie?” Jaebum guessed, worriedly peering up at Youngjae with those dark eyes of his.

The younger boy did his best to keep his expression clear of anything that would tip Jaebum off but it was a futile effort. Jaebum could always see straight through him. Youngjae knew he needed to get out of there quick or he would spill his guts and tell Jaebum everything, only embarrassing himself further.

“You don’t have to tell me what happened,” Jaebum assured Youngjae, the concern still shining in his eyes. Youngjae knew he was dying to know what was going on but for his sake, Jaebum wasn’t pushing it and Youngjae appreciated that. “Just let me know if he needs his ass kicked.” Jaebum reminded him, winking like he was in some cheesy drama but it made Youngjae laugh despite it all.

He wouldn’t have thought so before but talking with Jaebum like this was actually making Youngjae feel better, feel lighter. It was like the hollowness he felt after kissing Charlie was slowly being filled in with sleepy smiley Jaebum, like Youngjae was a colouring book.

“Thank you, but it’s not like that.” Youngjae murmured, shaking his head, smiling sadly down at Jaebum. The older boy seemed satisfied with himself after getting Youngjae to perk up a little, Jaebum’s grin only becoming wider. It was infectious and Youngjae soon found himself smiling properly back at Jaebum.

The pair of them stayed like that just sleepily staring at each other, Jaebum’s hand now swinging Youngjae’s arm from side to side dreamily. Youngjae wasn’t sure if it was the quiet of the room, the subdued lighting, Jaebum’s warm hand on his arm or just proof of how tired he was but everything felt a little overwhelming all of a sudden. Youngjae could feel his heart beating faster the longer he looked at Jaebum, a steady increase that left his mouth dry and palms sweaty.

“Why aren’t you guys in bed?” A voice croaked from the doorway, causing Youngjae to wrench his arm out of Jaebum’s grip, stumbling away from the couch as his eyes searched for the newcomer. In Youngjae’s periphery, he could see Jaebum hurriedly standing up, his face as flushed as Youngjae felt all over. BamBam stood there in his boxers, hair sticking up in several odd directions, frowning groggily at the two of them as he drank water from a glass. Had Youngjae missed BamBam walking straight past them to the kitchen? Jaebum seemed just as surprised. They both really did need to get some sleep if they hadn’t even noticed BamBam’s presence.

“I was just giving Youngjae back some stuff I borrowed from him.” Jaebum rushed to explain, turning away from BamBam to shove the scarf and gloves into Youngjae’s chest. The older boy didn’t even meet Youngjae’s gaze, his eyes averted the whole time, face slightly pink. Youngjae barely caught the scarf, a single glove falling to the ground as Jaebum scurried out of the living calling a quick “night” over his shoulder. Baffled by the sudden shift in Jaebum’s demeanour Youngjae bent down to pick up the fallen glove, expecting when he righted himself to be alone. BamBam still stood there, eyeing Youngjae as he took a long drag of water.

“Can I help you?” Youngjae demanded, exasperated by the sheer weirdness of the day. He honestly just wanted to melt into his mattress and forget about everything for a few hours. Was that too much to ask? BamBam only smirked in response, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. “Stop that.” Youngjae snapped disapprovingly, causing BamBam’s face to twist into one of mock innocence. He didn’t have the time or energy to handle whatever BamBam wanted to say.

“I said nothing.” BamBam shrugged, looking far too happy with himself for how late it was.

“Your face says it all.” Youngjae snarked back, pushing past BamBam so he could finally escape to his room and get some peace. The skinny menace followed behind Youngjae like a puppy before hopping in front of the older boy so he could face him.

“So does yours, my friend.” BamBam countered smugly, waggling those damn eyebrows of his again as he walked backward so he could maintain eye contact. Youngjae silently hoped he would trip on his own gangly legs but unfortunately, he made it to his room in one piece, waving cutely at Youngjae before disappearing behind his door.

Youngjae shook his head at the other boy’s antics, scoffing quietly to himself as he pushed open his own bedroom door. BamBam didn’t know what he was talking about. Youngjae shouldn’t read too much into it.  BamBam was just being his usual playful self, spouting nonsense.

***

It was less than twenty-four hours later that Youngjae found himself wandering the dorm alone late at night unable to sleep. His throat was scratchy from overuse in the recording booth earlier and was crying out for some water.  A single crack of light from the bathroom illuminating the pitch-black hallway distracted him, attracting Youngjae like a moth to a flame. Youngjae could hear soft cursing coming from the room the closer he got. Quietly he edged the door open to reveal Jaebum standing there, facing the mirror with a scowl on his face. Jaebum didn’t notice his presence until Youngjae had trudged his way in and was standing right behind Jaebum. Even then the older boy didn’t turn around, looking at Youngjae’s reflection when he spoke. Youngjae couldn’t hear what he said because when their eyes met Youngjae was hit with a wave of déjà vu that made his stomach plummet.

They had stood like this before what felt like a lifetime ago. That day when everything had fallen apart when Youngjae’s world had come crashing down. Now the roles were reversed; Jaebum standing with his back to Youngjae and Jaebum was the one upset this time around but the bathroom was still the same. It smelled like cheap cleaning products, aftershave and an unidentifiable cocktail of all their shower gels and shampoos. Jaebum’s dark brown eyes hadn’t changed either, freezing Youngjae in place just as they had on that fateful day.

The annoyance in his eyes brought everything back. Youngjae watched, his body numb and disconnected, as Jaebum’s eyes shifted from irritation to confusion, finally settling on worry. Then his eyes were gone. Somewhere in Youngjae’s mind, he registered that Jaebum had turned around to face him because the eyes were back, only closer now with the mirror no longer acting as a filter. Jaebum’s lips were moving but Youngjae couldn’t understand him, the older boy’s voice muffled like he was on the other side of a glass wall.

The feeling of hands cupping his face sparked something in Youngjae, breaking the spell that had him stuck in place. He immediately recoiled, his body coming to life violently as he tore the hands away from his face, his body acting of his own accord. Youngjae’s heart was beating so loud he could hear it in his ears, pounding out a panicked rhythm. He reminded himself there was nothing wrong; that he was safe, that Jaebum’s wasn’t dangerous, not anymore.

Youngjae was okay. Standing in the bathroom like this with Jaebum was okay. Nothing bad would happen. He held onto this, chanting it to himself in his head, breathing in and out through his nose slowly until his heart rate started slowing down. Everything else around him came back into focus and Youngjae could feel that his face was wet. Upon bringing a hand up to his face to inspect why he realised that he was crying. Youngjae could faintly hear Jaebum talking, his voice becoming louder. He sounded upset.

The stress in his voice made Youngjae open his eyes, his gaze first falling upon the sheen of his now wet hand before moving up to Jaebum’s face. The older boy looked stricken; his mouth moving a mile a minute, tumbling out apologies while his eyes stayed downcast like he was ashamed. Again, as if his body had a mind of its own, Youngjae watched as his tear-stained hand lifted Jaebum’s chin up so they were face to face once more. The shock of the gesture stopped Jaebum’s apologetic tirade in its tracks, at least for the moment. Youngjae could particularly see the self-hatred brewing in Jaebum’s eyes as the older boy took in Youngjae’s shaken form.

“I-I’m sorry it’s just, it all came back to me, that day-” Youngjae tried to explain, his voice failing him and embarrassingly cracking over certain words. He wanted Jaebum to understand that it wasn’t his fault this time, it wasn’t anyone’s fault. The last thing Youngjae wanted was to go back to how things were months ago, back to the awkwardness and distance. They couldn’t lose all the progress they had made because of this.

“Don’t.” Jaebum warned, cutting across him as he moved his head out of Youngjae’s grip to lean back against the sink. “Don’t you dare apologise. I’m the one who should be sorry.”

Youngjae stood there, unsure what to do with himself. The overhang of panic lingered in his chest like an unwanted guest, leaving him with that shaky sensation of breathlessness. All he could do was try to sniffle as quietly as possible as he wiped his treacherous tears away. Despite Youngjae’s best efforts, Jaebum looked up at the noises, his hand reaching towards Youngjae’s face before dropping down by his side again. Youngjae stared at Jaebum’s hand as it slowly curled into a fist, his mind and body a stormy mess of emotions. The whole ordeal had left him feeling vulnerable as if the slightest sound or movement could send him back into tears. Still, all Youngjae wanted in that moment was to feel Jaebum’s comforting touch. Before he could reach out himself Jaebum was speaking again, his voice hollow.

“Why do I keep hurting you like this when all I want is...” Jaebum trailed off, shaking his head at whatever he decided to leave unsaid.

“Is what?” Youngjae pushed, unsure how he wanted that sentence to end but one thing he knew was that he needed to know. Jaebum didn’t respond at first, simply staring into Youngjae’s bloodshot eyes for an intensely long moment. Jaebum broke eye contact first, glaring off to the side, his face scrunched up.

“I don’t know. For things to be like how they used to be? I don’t know.” Jaebum rushed out in a breath, the confusion in his voice almost seeping into irritation. “We were good the other day, right? I just, I want that all the time. I’m not blaming you, I-” Jaebum struggled to explain, clearly unsure of his choice of words like they were foreign to him.

“No, I know. I want that too.” Youngjae reassured him, tentatively stepping closer to Jaebum. Youngjae couldn’t meet the older boy’s eyes as he edged even closer, building up the courage to say the next few words. “I kinda need a hug first though.” Youngjae admitted sheepishly, his heart racing as he waited for Jaebum to respond. The older boy looked at him blankly for a second, causing the small voice in the back of Youngjae’s mind to pipe up, afraid that Jaebum would laugh at him even after all the dramatics of the past half an hour. Jaebum didn’t make him wait much longer though, standing up straight and reaching for Youngjae.

The younger boy only exhaled the breath he had been holding in when he felt a pair of arms pull him close to Jaebum’s chest. He wrapped his own arms around Jaebum’s waist, propping his chin onto Jaebum’s shoulder. He caught sight of their reflection in the mirror. Youngjae’s face was puffy, his eyes red from tears and exhaustion. He looked away, down to where he could just about see his hands curling into Jaebum’s shirt. Youngjae didn’t mean to compare them but he couldn’t help it, thoughts of Charlie holding him this way plagued his mind. Youngjae didn’t want to admit even to himself whose arms he preferred around him, who he ironically felt safer with even after everything they had been through.

Instead, he scrunched up his eyes, pushing those thoughts out of his mind and tucked his face into the older boy’s neck. The musty cologne Jaebum always wore still faintly clung to his neck, overpowering the smell of cleaning products. Its comforting familiarity had Youngjae melting into the hug. Jaebum’s hand slowly ran up Youngjae's back, coming to rest on the back of his head, holding him in place. His other hand rubbed gentle circles into Youngjae’s back, chasing away the last traces of anxiety that had rooted themselves in Youngjae’s chest.

“Better?” Jaebum murmured into Youngjae’s ear, sending shivers down his spine. Youngjae only hummed in response, holding on a little bit tighter.

This was better. Holding Jaebum felt better than holding anyone else.

***

Charlie: <10:28>

Hey I’m off today :D if you’re free we could meet up for lunch! My treat!!! <3

Youngjae lay on his bed staring at the text, fingers hovering over the keypad, uncertain and nervous. It had only been two days since the kiss and Youngjae wasn’t feeling any better about any of it. He had been messaging Charlie as normal but there hadn’t been much talk of meeting up until now.

Youngjae didn’t know how he felt about seeing Charlie again. A large part of him was worried that Charlie would kiss him again and Youngjae would still feel nothing, no spark or tingles. With a grunt, Youngjae tossed his phone to the side and unceremoniously squashed his face into his pillow.

They had no set schedule today. It was advised that they practiced but Youngjae doubted the rest of the members were really going to head to the studio today. He knew for sure that Mark and Jinyoung would be holed up in Jinyoung’s room, up to god knows what for the rest of the day. Thoughts of his friends’ relationship only brought him back to thoughts of Charlie, causing Youngjae to toss back onto his side in a huff. He knew he would have to respond sooner or later but maybe he could bring Coco on a walk first and clear his mind. Determined to procrastinate, Youngjae dragged himself out of bed, pocketing his phone and went in search of Coco.

On his way to the kitchen, however, Youngjae stumbled into a very stressed-out Jaebum, who quite frankly looked a mess. He was wearing one of the few dress shirts he owned buttoned up the wrong way, half tucked into a pair of jeans and his hair, oh god his hair. Jaebum’s hair had Youngjae burst out laughing before the younger quickly clamped a hand over his mouth to muffle the giggles. The black strands stuck up in spikes that defied the rightful laws of gravity, completely lacking a coherent shape or direction almost like they had a mind of their own.

“Not a word.” Jaebum warned, bringing his hands up to cover the monstrosity and attempting to press the pieces down. It didn’t work, the gel he used too strong as the strands stayed put.

“It’s an… interesting choice.” Youngjae tittered, his lips wobbling over barely contained laughter. Jaebum paused his efforts at controlling his hair to fix Youngjae with a pout that had the latter internally cooing.

“I know,” Jaebum groaned, pulling at his hair again as he moved around Youngjae. “And I have to meet up with Changsun in an hour and I can’t go looking like this but I don’t know how to fix it. Shit, I don’t even know how I did this to myself.” Jaebum ranted, his words running together as he stalked into the bathroom, Youngjae trailing behind him. The older boy cursed as he saw his own reflection in the mirror again while Youngjae watched from the doorway.

“Just wash the gel out, dry your hair and don’t touch it ever again after that.” Youngjae instructed, the amusement clear in his voice as Jaebum continued to despair at his own reflection.

“I don’t have time for another shower! If I get out of these clothes I’ll second guess my outfit choice all over again and then I’ll be late.” Jaebum whined, splashing some water on his hair with no improvement.

“Just wash your hair in the sink.” Youngjae suggested. Jaebum was beginning to look more stressed out as time wore on. “Look, I’ll help you.” Youngjae offered, stepping into the bathroom and coming up to stand behind Jaebum at the sink.

“Could you?” Jaebum asked, his voice meek but his eyes sparkling with a hope that turned swiftly into relief when Youngjae nodded.

“I have nothing better to do.” Youngjae shrugged, his phone a heavy weight in his hand. He waved off Jaebum’s attempts at thanking him, reminding the older boy that they didn’t have much time. The mention of time seemed to spur Jaebum on, the boy turning around suddenly to face Youngjae, only to shimmy past him to find a towel in the hot press. Youngjae made his way to the sink, letting the tap run in the unlikely chance there’d be any hot water left. “I know you’re meeting up with Changsun, but why try the gel and all?” Youngjae called out as he leaned into the shower, grabbing some shampoo.

“I wanted to look mature, you know? Like I have my life together. The stylists do this look on me all the time so I didn’t think it would be so hard.” Jaebum said incredulously, half turning around to shake his head in awe.

Youngjae wasn’t so sure that Jaebum’s hair styled up made him look more mature necessarily. He certainly looked intimidating, more intense and some would even say sexy but Youngjae didn’t want to linger on that thought. Youngjae couldn’t find it in himself to respond, opting for a non-committal hum as he leant against the sink, eyes on Jaebum who was still rummaging in the cupboard, muttering to himself.

“Aha!” Jaebum eventually exclaimed, tugging a towel out and immediately wrapping himself in it like it was a cape. Sometimes Youngjae questioned who was the older one out of the two of them as Jaebum hurried back over to him, standing too close for what was considered polite. Youngjae hoped the way he took a step back wasn’t too obvious as he motioned for Jaebum to duck his head under the tap. Jaebum hastily complied, jumping at how cold the water was and banging his head into the metal spouts.

Youngjae did his best to hold back his laughter as Jaebum cursed under his breath, rubbing the sore spot on his head. The younger boy squirted a bit of shampoo onto his open palm, shoving aside Jaebum’s hand gently and replacing it with his own. Jaebum went quiet as Youngjae set to work loosening the hard gel with his soapy fingers, massaging the suds into Jaebum’s scalp.

It looked uncomfortable to be bent over like that but Jaebum didn’t complain, only shifting his weight from one foot to the other every so often. Youngjae tried to be quick but thorough, only stopping the stream of water once Jaebum’s hair had lost that tacky feel to it. Youngjae tapped Jaebum’s back lightly to signal that he was finished and the older boy stood up, his stiff back cracking and his eyes closed as water ran down his face. Youngjae guided Jaebum onto the closed toilet seat, grabbing another towel to dry his hair.

Jaebum sat there obediently, eyes still clenched shut, his hair dripping wet. As fast as he could, Youngjae rubbed Jaebum’s head which had the older boy laughing loudly underneath his hands. Unexpectedly, a giggling Jaebum gripped Youngjae’s arm, effectively stopping his ministrations.

“Are you trying to knock my head off?” Jaebum teased, peeking his head out from under the towel only to smile up at Youngjae with that annoying eye-smile of his.

Youngjae ignored the question and the way his heart skipped at Jaebum’s expression, pulling his arm out of Jaebum’s hand only to hold onto said hand as he dragged him out of the bathroom. The towels they had been using fell to the floor damp and forgotten, no doubt to be found by an exasperated Jinyoung later. Youngjae focused on his own feet as he manoeuvred his way to his bedroom, Jaebum’s warm hand holding on tight.

Thankfully their dorm was barely bigger than a shoebox, leaving no room for small talk before Youngjae was leading Jaebum to sit down on his bed. Youngjae fumbled with his hair-dryer in silence, Jaebum unusually quiet on the bed beside him. When the older boy slightly jumped at the hair dryer roaring to life, Youngjae pretended not to see and turned the heat down. He tried his best to focus on the task at hand, his eyes trained on Jaebum’s hair as he carded his hands through the damp strands, his other hand stuck  with the bulky hair dryer. He tried to focus on how the strands looked funny as the hot hair air blew through them but he could feel Jaebum’s eyes on his face; peering up at Youngjae like he had done earlier in the bathroom, like he had done the other night.

It made Youngjae’s stomach squirm, his hands distractedly missing a few bits of Jaebum’s hair and causing him to apologise to the top of Jaebum’s head. The older boy responded but it became a garble among the din of the hair dryer. Youngjae refused to look down. It was silly, but meeting Jaebum’s eyes felt like a defeat. The older boy must have taken the hint as he didn’t repeat himself and remained silent throughout the rest of the process; his eyes closed in bliss. Once Jaebum's hair was dry enough Youngjae turned the hairdryer off, ruffling Jaebum's hair one last time for good measure.

"Thank you for helping me out after everything. You know…with yesterday..." Jaebum murmured, awkwardly trailing off while his nose scrunched up at Youngjae’s playful ruffling. Youngjae averted his eyes from the cute gesture, his gaze falling upon Jaebum’s fingers twisting in his lap.

"Nervous?" Youngjae asked carefully, pretending to fiddle with a loose string in his pyjama top.

"Nauseous." Jaebum jokingly corrected, smiling ruefully up at Youngjae, his eyes shining with unfiltered fear. "I'll be fine though." Jaebum shrugged dismissively, clearing his throat as he went back to wringing his hands. He even did his best ‘don't worry’ smile once he noticed Youngjae was still staring at him.

Maybe it was Jaebum’s fearful eyes or the fact he was trying to be strong in front of Youngjae like he always expected to be, or maybe it was just because it was Jaebum and Youngjae was weaker than he was ever willing to admit, but his mouth was running before he even knew what he saying.

"Do you- I mean, I could come along. Y’know, for moral support, if you want?" Youngjae stuttered stupidly, the offer sounding lame even to his own ears. Jaebum's eyes shot up nonetheless, a twinkle of hope visible before Youngjae saw Jaebum physically distinguish it.

"I can't ask that of you." Jaebum insisted, shutting him down with unhappily pursed lips.

"Why? Because of yesterday?" Youngjae demanded, exasperated. They had both decided to leave that in the past, to keep moving forward together.

"No! Ok, yeah, maybe a little. But there's lots of reasons it wouldn’t be fair to ask you." Jaebum mused, a little frown pinching his face.

"Let me be there for you." Youngjae pressed, holding his breath as he watched Jaebum mull his words over as he scanned Youngjae’s face for god knows what.

"No plans today?" Jaebum questioned, squinting at Youngjae with suspicion. Charlie’s face swam into Youngjae’s vision before he shook his head, dispelling the image of his boyfriend from his mind.

"Nope, I'm all yours if you want me." Youngjae shrugged casually ignoring how the words sounded much heavier in the air between them.

“I do.” Jaebum answered, his eyes widening comically while his cheeks reddened at his own words. “I mean I want you to come with me. Today. Please, if you want.” Jaebum choked out, suddenly finding the wallpaper behind Youngjae very interesting.

“I do.” Youngjae said, mimicking Jaebum with a smirk. “I need to get changed first though so get out.” Youngjae ordered, pulling a shocked Jaebum up by his hand, ushering the protesting  boy out of his room. Once the door was safely closed Youngjae got changed as quickly he could, agonizing for a little too long over how dressy he should look. He ended up throwing on whatever he could find that was clean and somewhat presentable, running a hand uselessly through his hair to keep it from looking flat.

Jaebum was waiting for him by the door with his coat and shoes already on, shifting his weight from one leg to the other nervously. He was on his phone, scrolling through god knows what only stopping to type something every now and then. He didn’t see Youngjae at first, not even registering his presence until Youngjae was right beside him prodding Jaebum’s elbow.

“Oh, you look nice.” Jaebum blinked, peering up from his phone to look Youngjae over. Youngjae had to force himself not to giggle at the fact Jaebum still hadn’t noticed his shirt was a mess.

“I’d say the same but your buttons are still done up all wrong.” Youngjae teased, wordlessly reaching up to fix them for Jaebum. The older boy let him, standing there silently and taking Youngjae’s muttered admonishments in his stride. Youngjae frowned at the buttons in concentration, having to undo a few and revealing Jaebum’s chest in the process. Youngjae quickly did the buttons back up properly, eyes focused on the shirt instead of the skin underneath.

When Youngjae was finished he looked up to check on Jaebum only to find Jaebum already gazing down at him intensely, his face softening once their eyes met. Jaebum’s hand came up to cover Youngjae’s hand that was still hovering near Jaebum’s shirt collar. They stayed like that for probably longer than was necessary or normal but with no one to interrupt them seconds just seemed to fly by. Maybe it was just the trick of light or morning tiredness or groundless hope but Youngjae could’ve sworn Jaebum’s eyes darted down to his lips. It was only for a second and Youngjae would’ve missed it if he had blinked because Jaebum’s gaze met his again almost immediately.

“Do I look as good as you now?” Jaebum asked lowly, eyes sparkling with mischief. Youngjae’s mouth ran dry, his ability to form sentences suddenly lost on him. Before Youngjae could gather the brain cells needed to respond Jaebum was leaning even closer.

“I’m only joking, as if anyone could compare to you,” Jaebum smirked, making Youngjae’s face blaze. Jaebum’s face split into a smile at the sight, grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire cat. Youngjae’s only defense was to swat Jaebum away like a fly while trying to hide just how affected he was.

“Stop trying to butter me up. I've already agreed to go, there's no need for all these cringey lines.” Youngjae complained, turning Jaebum around and forcibly pushing the cackling boy out the door.

“I'm just speaking my mind,” Jaebum said, beaming at Youngjae over his shoulder, waggling an eyebrow. Youngjae groaned in protest, smacking Jaebum’s shoulder as they tumbled out of the dorm, both of them in fits of laughter.

Chapter Text

The cafe was bustling with waiters flitting from table to table, taking orders and cleaning tables. A low buzz of conversation filled the cafe and could be heard even from the secluded corner Jaebum had specifically picked out for them. No one had recognized them on their way there; a combination of the early hour and the beanie and face mask Jaebum had forced upon Youngjae. Regardless it was one of the usual cafes they frequented so they could trust the staff to not tweet out their location or badger them for autographs.

Coffee sat untouched on the table, slowly cooling. Youngjae occupied himself with watching Jaebum as he unlocked his phone, checked the time, frowned and dropped his phone back on the table with a worried huff only to repeat the motions a moment later. Jaebum’s leg was bouncing up and down like a jackhammer following a manic beat. The whole scene was giving Youngjae second-hand nerves so he did the only thing he could think of. He reached out, placing a hand on Jaebum’s knee. Youngjae wasn't expecting Jaebum to jolt so violently, his shaking leg suddenly coming to a stop. The contact seemed to snap Jaebum out of the silence they'd fallen into on the way here; words flowing like water rapids.

“This was a bad idea, we should just go before they show up. We could go see a movie, pretend this never happened-” Jaebum rambled, the volume of his voice rising as each word toppled out of his mouth.

“Jaebum. Breathe.” Youngjae ordered, demonstrating it himself with slow steady breaths while his hand squeezed Jaebum’s lower thigh.

“I am breathing and I still think that we should leave,” Jaebum argued back, barely looking at Youngjae as he tried to keep an eye on the out-of-sight door, peeking around the corner to try and get a better look.

“Come on,” Youngjae said bluntly. “You’ve made it this far, you gotta see it through. We’ll do it together, ok?” Youngjae coaxed, holding his hand out, his pinky poised in promise. Jaebum stared at Youngjae’s hand for a long moment, then back at his still silent phone.

“Nope. No. I can't.” Jaebum was suddenly saying, standing up and rocking the table a little in his haste. Youngjae was quick to follow suit, smashing his own knee into the table and almost cursing as he jumped up to grab Jaebum’s wrist before he could get too far. Jaebum whirled around instantly, almost tripping himself up in the process, Youngjae’s tight grip keeping him steady. “Let go.” Jaebum pleaded, eyes darting fearfully from Youngjae to the younger boys hand on his to the closest exit as if Changsun would materialize at any moment. The older boy looked like a deer caught in headlights and Youngjae knew he needed Jaebum to focus on him and him alone if he wanted to make Jaebum stay put.

“No. I'm not letting you run away anymore,” Youngjae said determinedly, shaking his head as he advanced slowly on Jaebum like he was a skittish animal. “You owe it to Changsun to explain, to apologise. What if he shows up and you're not here? You’d just be letting him down all over again. He deserves closure and you owe it to yourself to put that part of your life to bed.” Youngjae murmured, leaning in until they were only inches away from one another. Being this close Jaebum had no choice but to maintain eye contact with the younger boy. Youngjae couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment he had realised it but doing this, invading Jaebum’s space so that Youngjae was the only thing he could see, always calmed the older boy down. Even now Youngjae could see the fight slowly fading from Jaebum's eyes as sense seemed to finally set in.

“Okay?” Youngjae whispered into the space between them, taking Jaebum’s almost imperceptible nod as a sign he was safe to let go of Jaebum’s wrist. Youngjae moved back to give themselves both some breathing room only to have the older boy reaching out and clasping Youngjae's hand in his again. Jaebum looked like he wanted to say something but Youngjae would never find out what.

The call of Jaebum’s name had whatever he was thinking die on his tongue. Simultaneously, Youngjae’s and Jaebum's heads jerked in the direction of the voice. Standing there on the other side of the table were two men. They were like a mirror image holding hands much in the same way he and Jaebum were. Youngjae was hit with a strong sense of deja vu, their faces vaguely familiar, his brain not quite catching on as to why just yet. With the two strangers present Youngjae tried his best to drop Jaebum’s hand but the older boy’s grip had become iron tight. Youngjae could feel his face colouring under the inquisitive stares of the couple but Jaebum didn’t notice. He was no longer looking at Youngjae, his focus entirely on the shorter of the two men his mouth slightly ajar, recognition written plain on his face. The stranger held Jaebum’s gaze while the other man looked between them, making eye contact with Youngjae briefly before looking away just as quick.

“Sunnie?” Jaebum choked out incredulously as if the man standing in front of them was some trick of the eye. It clicked into place for Youngjae then, he’d seen their faces before, weeks ago when Jaebum had been trawling through Changsun’s profile. The man, Changsun, flinched at the name, his features clouding over into a scowl.

“Don't call me that.” Changsun grit out, the angry words doing little to conceal the quiver in his voice. He didn't even seem to hear Jaebum's fast apology as his eyes had left Jaebum’s face only to land on Youngjae’s and Jaebum’s clasped hands. Youngjae felt like an insect under a microscope, his skin crawling at the way Changsun’s stare pinned him to the spot.

“You're his bandmate,” Changsun stated. It wasn't a question yet Youngjae was nodding ‘yes’ while looking again at Jaebum for help. However, the other boy was of no help, refusing to take his eyes off Changsun. Youngjae looked back at Changsun who was staring at their hands again.

“I’m-” Youngjae tried, holding out his free hand to shake Changsun's before being cut off.

“Choi Youngjae. I know. We’ve looked you all up.” Changsun deadpanned, ignoring the proffered hand. The man beside Changsun, who Youngjae could only presume was Changsun’s boyfriend, suddenly found his voice, rushing to shake Youngjae’s hand.

“It's so nice to meet you, Youngjae! I'm Hyunjin, Changsun’s boyfriend.” With wide eyes he smiled, thin-lipped and nervy but it was a smile nonetheless.

“You too,” Youngjae responded weakly, clearing his throat into the awkward silence. “Shall we sit?” Youngjae suggested, the question directed mostly at Hyunjin, the formality in his own words making him cringe. Hyunjin nodded quickly in agreement, a sympathetic smile on his face.

Youngjae liked to think they had reached a sort of mutual understanding; that they were both equally suffering from the tension that neither of them had created. Hyunjin for the sake of his boyfriend, Youngjae for god knows why. The rift between Changsun and Jaebum, on the other hand, was very much present. The pair were still staring each other down; one searching, the other closed off. Youngjae and Hyunjin had no other choice but to tug their respective unresponsive boys into their seats, forcing them to sit.

It felt like an eternity of trying to catch the waitress’ eyes and talking about the pretty minimalist decor with Hyunjin before a waitress came over to serve them and defuse the tension. The addition of an outsider, unaware of how these four men had found themselves here, seemed to relax everyone. By the time she had taken all their drink orders Jaebum had even released Youngjae’s hand, but instead, his fists were clenched on his lap under the table. Youngjae could practically see Jaebum counting his own shallow breaths in his head in an attempt to stay calm. Jaebum’s eyes were trained on his napkin, unable to meet Changsun’s gaze any longer. Youngjae ignored the part of him that wanted to reach out to Jaebum and instead opened up his menu in the hopes of ending the awkward silence that had fallen once more.

“I wonder what the special is today,” Youngjae said to the table, glancing up in the hopes someone would entertain his small talk.

“You said in your messages that you wanted to apologise in person, that you wanted to explain yourself, but you’re awfully quiet now, Im Jaebum,” Changsun said scathingly, completely dismissing Youngjae as he glared across the table at a defeated Jaebum. All eyes were on him, with bated breath as they awaited his response.  

“I-I” Jaebum faltered, looking to Youngjae like he was waiting for him to speak, for him to save Jaebum. While every instinct screamed at him to do something, to swoop in and fix Jaebum’s problems for him, he knew he couldn’t. It wasn't Youngjae’s place to save him from this, so Youngjae stayed silent, his eyes pouring into Jaebum’s only offering his hand to hold under the table and out of Changsuns sight. It was with Youngjae’s thumb rubbing circles into Jaebum’s knuckles that had turned white from how tight he had clenched his fists that the older boy started to speak. He said his piece from beginning to end with no interruption, staring resolutely straight ahead at Changsun.

“I’m so sorry, for everything, all of it.” Jaebum paused for a moment to collect himself again before moving on methodically. “I should never have outed you in that cafeteria, whether you were gay or not, I knew how all those kids would react. I knew, but I did it anyway. I regret everything after that day, every harsh insult and disgusted look I sent you. God, it makes my stomach turn even now just thinking about it. You didn't deserve any of it.” Jaebum shook his head, eyes pained swallowing before he continued. “You-you were my best friend, Sunnie.” Jaebum choked out, voice cracking as his composure slipped.

Youngjae whispered a small, “it’s okay”, encouraging Jaebum to continue. The older boy nodded and inhaled deeply before he spoke again, eyes glossy with tears.

“Y-you stayed by my side even when all the other kids thought I was weird cuz I jumped at loud noises or cried when teachers scolded me. You were always the one who patched me up, dried my tears and made me laugh. You made me feel like a normal kid even if it was only for a few minutes.” Jaebum smiled ruefully at Changsun with teary eyes. Youngjae chanced a glance at Changsun to find him breathing unsteadily through clenched teeth, his own eyes shining with emotion.

“I threw that back in your face, I watched as others teased you every day and made your life a living hell. I took your happiness from you the same way my mother did to me. I let her get into my head and twist everything about our friendship into something dirty and wrong. I accepted all her bullshit as the truth, rather than question her and make up my own mind. I'm no better than her.” Jaebum said bitterly, his face screwed up unnaturally. It broke Youngjae's heart to hear Jaebum say such a thing, to see the way he seemed to be battling with himself and the past. Youngjae wanted to jump in, tell Jaebum he was nothing like his mother, but the upped momentum of Jaebum’s speech made it impossible to get a word in.

“I should’ve stood up for you like you would’ve done for me. I should’ve been there for you but I was a coward. When I finally did something I only made things worse. That day I came across you and those guys… hurting you… I couldn't handle it anymore… I completely lost control.” Jaebum muttered, frowning down at the table, the memories of that day no doubt replaying in his head. “This probably sounds like bullshit but I- I have a condition called IED. What you saw was me having an ‘episode’. There’s still no excuse for it and I know I can’t possibly fix all the damage I've done and I can’t change the past; all I can do is apologise. That’s why I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart, that I'm so sorry for everything I put you through and I know you deserve more than this measly, ridiculously late apology but its all I have to give.” Jaebum concluded, looking back up at a quiet Changsun as the last word fell from his lips. Jaebum’s tense shoulders fell slightly, the older boy seemed resigned to his fate, with little hope of a positive reaction from Changsun. The other man was studying the table thoughtfully.

“You know,” Changsun finally said, after what felt like the longest pause in Youngjae’s life. “I used to imagine what I’d do if I ever had to see you again. I had this big speech planned about how you broke my heart, how you made me hate you and myself for so many years. I always imagined myself either screaming or yelling at you, maybe even slapping you or punching you in the face.” Changsun snickered, staring off to the side, eyes far away and glassy. “But now we’re here and you're sitting right there in front of me,” Changsun continued, gaze falling back on Jaebum pinning him to his seat. Changsun’s lip wobbled slightly as he took in the sight of Jaebum sitting across from him. “And-and it’s like I’m back all those years ago in that crappy school cafeteria with a scared kid covered in scars.” Changsun brokenly whimpered, his strong resolve from early slowly dissipating. In his peripheral, Youngjae could see Jaebum slightly flinch and his breath hitch. “All I can see is the frightened little boy I loved. Oh my god, I can't believe I'm crying.” Changsun laughed embarrassedly, tipping his head back to hide the tears while fanning his face.

Hyunjin hugged him from the side, whispering something in his ear with a loving smile. Changsun turned in towards him, slightly hiding his face in Hyunjin’s neck while he composed himself.

Youngjae looked at Jaebum only to find his head turned away but from the soft sniffling Youngjae heard he knew. Youngjae released Jaebum’s hand to trace his fingers up Jaebum’s arm, past his shoulder until he reached his neck. He firmly squeezed the back of Jaebum’s neck, lightly scratching the baby hairs there with his fingers to comfort him.

“I forgave you a long time ago, Jaebum. For my own sake, I had to.” Changsun’s voice only slightly wavered now, tears still glistening in his eyes. “I think now it's time for you to forgive yourself.”

Jaebum ducked his head, a shudder running through him before he let out an actual sob, quickly muffling it with the palm of his hand. Youngjae just kept rubbing his neck through all the sniffling, hoping Jaebum could feel how proud of him he was. Jaebum’s face was bright pink from all the tears and rubbing at his eyes but otherwise, he looked happy, like a weight had been lifted off of him. Changsun was still wiping his face with a napkin while Hyunjin picked a stray eyelash from his boyfriend's cheek. The intimate gesture made Youngjae drop his hand, letting it fall into his lap.

Youngjae and Jaebum weren’t like Changsun and Hyunjin. He ignored how empty his hand felt just sitting there with no hand to hold. He needed to get out of his own head and focus on the people talking in front of him.

“I think after all that we all need some food,” Hyunjin suggested with a grin, causing both Jaebum and Changsun to giggle with matching watery smiles.

***

The group, now with four willing participants, chatted easily while they tucked into way too much food. Youngjae was trying to take it easy but Jaebum kept sneaking food onto his plate whenever he thought Youngjae wasn't paying attention. The younger kept having to swat Jaebum’s hand away, clearly amusing both Changsun and Hyunjin.

“You're like an old married couple.” Hyunjin bemusedly observed, much to Youngjae’s chagrin. Jaebum didn't seem perturbed by the statement, ignoring it and shoveling more food onto Youngjae’s plate instead with a triumphant “ha!”. Youngjae was ready to lecture Jaebum again but before he could Changsun was clearing his throat.

“I think I know the answer to this but I have to ask, why now? After all these years?” Changsun asked curiously, not needing to elaborate further. They all knew what he wanted to know; what had changed Jaebum’s mind, what had gotten through all of his mother’s brainwashing.

“Youngjae,” Jaebum replied easily, without even a second thought. Youngjae could feel the couples’ eyes on him but he was too busy looking at Jaebum to see their reaction. The older boy was giving him the fondest look as he continued. “He opened my eyes to how wrong I was. I pushed him away once much in the same way I did to you. He-he, uh...” Jaebum stammered, looking between Youngjae and an expectant Changsun. Youngjae could see the question in Jaebum’s eyes. Was he allowed to tell Changsun about Youngjae? He didn’t have an answer for him. He hasn’t told anyone outside the group about his sexuality yet and he honestly wasn’t sure if he was ready. Did he trust Changsun and Hyunjin not to say anything?

Youngjae felt terrible but he couldn’t help but think about how much money they could make by selling him out. They could easily tell one of those trashy gossip sites and spark a controversy that the company would have to defuse and try cover up. Truthfully, they couldn’t afford any scandals right now. Jaebum seemed to trust Changsun though, enough to meet up with him and risk Changsun exposing Jaebum’s tumultuous high school years. So maybe Youngjae should trust him too. The silence was growing and all three pairs of eyes were on him.

“Hey, you don’t have to tell me anything you’re not comfortable sharing. We did just meet after all.” Changsun assured them both, awkwardly laughing as he rubbed his neck. Jaebum stayed silent, letting Youngjae decide. He knew he could just tell them he wanted to drop it, that it wasn’t important to the story but a part of him was sick of hiding it like some shameful secret. The worst case scenario was that Changsun would try to spread rumours and Youngjae would have to deny them and lie. Could he do that?

“I’m gay.” Youngjae huffed, almost annoyed, crossing his arms and pretending his heart wasn’t hammering in his chest. It still felt strange to say it aloud, but also good - reassuring. He tried to remind himself over and over that it would be ok. He was just saying it out loud, there was no proof in spoken words that Changsun could use against him. Changsun and Hyunjin were both sitting there, still expectant, like they had anticipated something more.  

“What he said stays at this table.” Jaebum cut in before a bewildered Changsun could speak. Jaebum’s face was deadly serious, an almost angry edge to his voice. Changsun looked caught off guard by the tone and slightly affronted by the insinuation that he would expose Youngjae. He nodded tersely anyway, waiting for Jaebum to continue. The relief that small nod gave Youngjae was indescribable. It felt like releasing a breath he didn’t realise he had been holding in. Youngjae could see Jaebum immediately relax beside him too.

“Uhm, well, like I said I didn’t react well. I hurt Youngjae in ways that are unforgivable. I don't even know why Youngjae gave me a second chance but I'm so lucky he did. I know what my mother would think if she knew but I just don't care.” Jaebum huffed, shrugging like it wasn’t a big deal as he continued to pick through his food. The forced nonchalance was so transparent. Youngjae knew it still hurt Jaebum to think about his mother. The mere mention of her set both of them on edge. “I can't live without him. It's as simple as that. I love him and he makes me happy and that's all that matters.” Jaebum stated plainly like he was reading out the weather report, completely unaware of the effect it was having on Youngjae.

He could feel his whole face flush bright red. It sounded more like a cheesy confession from a drama than Jaebum probably realised or intended it to. Youngjae didn't know what to say or if he should say anything at all. Did it require a response or was he allowed to just sit there silently while he internally screamed? Youngjae felt like rebuking him. He wished he could tell Jaebum he wasn’t allowed to say these things to him. It may be all fine and well for Jaebum to say that and think nothing of it but it was all simply platonic for him. Youngjae, on the other hand, wanted his words to mean more, wanted them to hold a meaning he knew they never would.

It hurt and confused him. Youngjae felt cheated but he couldn’t tell Jaebum any of that without exposing himself. Youngjae seemed to be the only one fazed by Jaebum’s little speech as Changsun, who had brought this on, seemed satisfied with the response, smiling knowingly between the two of them in a way Youngjae didn’t trust. Jaebum, as always, was oblivious to his surroundings, tapping out a nervous rhythm with his fingers on the table. Youngjae could see a thought formulating in his mind, clearly trying to find the right words. Changsun could see it too apparently as he called across to Jaebum. “What is it?”

“Do you, uh, mind me asking what happened when I left?” Jaebum asked tentatively, looking scared again for the first time since Changsun walked in.

“It was weird,” Changsun said after a thoughtful pause. “No one knew what had really happened or where you had gone. Rumours spread quickly. Some said you’d been sent to a disciplinary school, others were convinced you were in prison. You know how kids are though. A scandal can only keep them entertained for so long before another one grabs their attention.” Changsun shrugged, rolling his eyes. “I couldn’t forget though, I couldn’t let go. I wondered where you were all the time, what you were doing, if you ever thought of me.” Changsun scoffed, a regretful smile tugging on his lips. “Little did I know you were right under my nose the whole time. I probably walked by hundreds of posters and TV screens with your face on it, completely clueless.” Changsun half-heartedly laughed, slightly awed as he looked at both Youngjae and Jaebum in disbelief.

“Well, mother never really wanted anyone to know her son wore makeup and danced around for a living so…” Jaebum muttered bitterly, his face clouding over at his mother being brought up again.

“Fuck what she thinks.” Changsun burst out, surprising both Jaebum and Youngjae. “You guys are so talented. I wasn't kidding when I said we looked you up. You're really good.” Changsun praised fervently, Hyunjin nodding enthusiastically beside him.

“Th-thank you. That means a lot to me coming from you.” Jaebum said sincerely, smiling a little bashfully under all the compliments. It seemed to only encourage Changsun to continue.

“I always said you had the nicest voice I've ever heard. Now millions get to hear it.” Changsun enthused, the impressed look back in his eyes as he shook his head in slight amazement.

“Ah, I'm okay but I’m no Youngjae.” Jaebum countered, artfully turning the attention away from him. The comparison surprised Youngjae. All their vocal trainers, the company, everyone, even Youngjae himself all agreed Jaebum was of a higher standard than Youngjae.

“Excuse me? Your voice is ten times smoother nevermind more stable,” Youngjae quickly jumped in, frowning reproachfully at Jaebum. “He’s just being modest,” Youngjae explained, turning towards Hyunjin and Changsun as if Jaebum was a child acting up at dinner.

“No, you are,” Jaebum piped up, smacking Youngjae’s arm to get his attention before also turning to look at the couple opposite them. “Jae has the sweetest most emotive voice and can reach notes I could only dream of.” Jaebum bragged on his behalf, like a soccer mom talking about how many games her kid had won. Youngjae was about to counter him but Changsun was taking it upon himself to break up their slowly escalating spat.

“ Actually , Hyunjin has become a really big fan of your group over the past week.” Changsun devilishly grinned, causing Hyunjin to nearly choke on his drink, a violent coughing fit ensuing. Youngjae looked on alarmed while Changsun casually patted his protesting boyfriend on the back as he continued. “And Youngjae is his favorite.” Changsun announced gleefully while a very red-faced Hyunjin pushed him away, a sort of squawking noise coming from the back of his throat.

Jaebum and Changsun were laughing evilly while Youngjae sheepishly tried to get Hyunjin’s attention to thank him. The other boy was currently refusing to meet Youngjae’s eyes, muttering something about killing Changsun and falling down a hole.

“He’s a smart man. You better keep him, Sunnie.” Jaebum said through his cackles, the nickname falling off his lips easily. Changsun didn’t seem to mind its use now, simply grinning as he pulled an outraged Hyunjin close to his side.

“Don’t worry, I intend to.”

***

Youngjae wasn’t surprised when Changsun had leaned across the table the second Jaebum had just excused himself to the bathroom. He had anticipated some sort of interrogation to take place during the course of the lunch but he had hoped Jaebum wouldn’t be barely out of earshot before Changsun started.

“So it seems I have you to thank for all of this. ” Changsun smirked, stretching forward excitedly with a mischievous glint in his eye. Youngjae couldn’t help how he involuntarily moved back a little. He didn’t like that look in Changsun’s eye, like a cat who had just found something fun to play with.

“Oh no, no, I did nothing really. I’m just here for moral support, I-” Youngjae tried to correct him, but Changsun wasn’t taking no for an answer, only waving away Youngjae’s dissent.

“Ah, ah. You know what I mean.” Changsun grinned, wagging a finger close to his face. Youngjae really didn’t and he wished he would never find out. Changsun, of course, had other plans. “You ‘opened’,” Changsun airquoted, winking in an over the top manner while Hyunjin looked on disapprovingly and Youngjae felt his first impression had been right, Hyunjin and he really did have a mutual understanding. “Jaebum’s eyes. If you hadn’t met each other and starting dating I don’t think I’d have ever seen Jaebum again, nevermind…”

Changsun continued to speak with an enthusiastic sincerity, not a hint of teasing or joking in his tone. Youngjae could see his mouth moving but couldn’t understand what he was saying anymore; he’d stopped listening. His brain was still trying to process Changsun’s words into something that made sense. Changsun surely hadn’t said ‘dating’, had he? Where did he get that idea from?

“I-I, uh, I think there’s been some sort of misunderstanding or something.” Youngjae found himself saying loudly, unsure whether he had just cut across Changsun or Hyunjin speaking. The couple were both looking at him slightly puzzled as he explained himself. “Sorry, I just thought you said that Jaebum and I were...” Youngjae laughed nervously, trailing off, unable to say the word. It was too absurd in this context. The word ‘dating’ didn’t make grammatical sense in a sentence involving him and Jaebum.

“Dating?” Hyunjin supplied, warily eyeing Youngjae as he visibly cringed at the word.

“Yeah, that.” Youngjae swallowed, pressing his lips together tersely. Youngjae watched as Hyunjin and Changsun eyed one another for a moment, having a conversation without speaking in that annoying way couples always did.

Youngjae felt like he was sitting in front of his parents waiting to hear if he was going to be grounded or not for playing too many video games again. Changsun nodded slightly before turning back to Youngjae with a sympathetic expression.

“I know you guys have to keep it a secret from the public but you don’t have to pretend around us. We won’t tell a soul, we promise.” Changsun needlessly assured, earnestly looking at Youngjae while Hyunjin nodded solemnly beside him. Youngjae felt like banging his head against the table and waking up from whatever surreal nightmare he must have conjured up for himself. He couldn’t believe they were making him say this. He had been hurt enough already, he had talked this over with Mark so many times. Youngjae was sick of having to tell people that Jaebum and him could never happen. It didn’t hurt any less the hundredth time you said it.

“But we’re not! Jaebum’s straight and- and I have a boyfriend!” Youngjae exasperatedly objected, the defeated feeling in his stomach adding to how tired he was of this. Changsun and Hyunjin both looked beyond perplexed by his little outburst.

“But you- and, and he...” Changsun stuttered confusedly, looking between Youngjae and Jaebum’s empty chair.  

“You were acting so... couple-y,” Hyunjin said in amazement like he still couldn’t believe they weren’t dating. “I mean, you were all over each other with the hand-holding and constant heart eyes and that weird neck thingy.” Hyunjin elaborated, waving his hand near the back of his own neck with slight disdain.

“He likes his hair being played with. It calms him down.” Youngjae protested in a voice barely above a whisper, folding his arms indignantly. He only belatedly realised his mistake when the couple across from him proceeded to stare at him deadpan. Before Youngjae could correct himself or potentially dig himself further into a hole Changsun was speaking over him.

“Look, I don’t know the ins and outs of what’s going on with you two what with you having a ‘boyfriend’ and Jaebum being ‘straight’, but you can’t deny it’s pretty damning if two strangers just assume you are in a relationship from how you act around each other.” Changsun reasoned, eyeing the nearby empty seats around them before practically climbing over the table to whisper: “And that dramatic-ass speech about how much he loves you was also pretty convincing.”

“He meant that just as friends. He sees me as the little brother he never had.” Youngjae sighed, praying Jaebum would hurry up already and end this conversation that was going nowhere good fast.  

“I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to look at your brother that way.” Hyunjin playfully chimed in, holding his hands up in surrender when Youngjae glared at him. Changsun was about to high-five him when something moving behind Youngjae caught his eye and he was suddenly telling everyone to act natural. Two seconds later Jaebum was sitting back down with an apologetic smile on his face. Youngjae tried to cover how he jumped a little at the sight of Jaebum by producing a string of fake coughs.

“So, what’d I miss?” Jaebum casually asked, rubbing Youngjae’s back through his series of fake coughs, causing Youngjae’s face to heat up in embarrassment. In response to his question, Jaebum received a chorus of suspicious ‘nothing’’s that made Youngjae want to hide under the table. Hyunjin and Changsun were both wearing the most unconvincingly innocent smiles he had ever seen while Changsun eyed the hand on Youngjae’s back with barely contained glee.

“But we should probably go soon. Maybe we should ask for the bill?” Youngjae suggested quickly before Jaebum could catch onto their weird behaviour, or worse Changsun started making indecent comments.

“Oh, it’s already covered. That’s why I took so long in the bathroom.” Jaebum explained offhandedly, taking his phone out of his pocket to check the time and, thankfully, removing his hand from Youngjae’s back. Changsun and Hyunjin both attempted to pay Jaebum back, reaching for their wallets but he wouldn’t hear of it. “It’s the least I can do,” Jaebum said seriously, the years of guilt no doubt still heavy in his mind. After much debate, Changsun finally conceded with a soft ‘thank you’ and a promise of getting the next one which made Jaebum smile so big his eyes disappeared.

“I’m giving you the money when we get home,” Youngjae warned Jaebum, sulkily pushing around the remainder of the food on his plate.

“No, you’re not.” Jaebum snorted, confidently shaking his head. “It’s my treat, Jae.” He said, reaching over and placing a hand on Youngjae’s knee. Jaebum waited for Youngjae to respond with a grumpy ‘ok’ before he let go, the eye smile returning in full force. Youngjae refused to look at Changsun as his face turned pink again knowing full well that Changsun was already staring at him with a smug smile on his face.

***

The four of them were huddled outside Changsun and Hyunjin’s train station, no one quite ready to say goodbye yet. Youngjae was doing his best to ignore Jaebum’s arm around his shoulder and the gloved hand that was rubbing up and down his arm to generate heat. Every time he tried to create a bit of space between them it felt like Jaebum only pulled him in tighter. Hyunjin was talking about some project he was doing in work when Changsun nudged Jaebum’s hand on Youngjae to get their combined attention.

“Do you mind if I borrow him for a moment?” Changsun asked Jaebum, causing Youngjae to huff a little behind his face mask. He could’ve just asked to talk, there was no need to get permission from Jaebum. The older looked down at Youngjae with questioning confused eyes to see if he’d be ok, Jaebum no doubt just as in the dark as Youngjae. He gave Jaebum a little nod, the older boy finally letting him go. Changsun had already started to walk a little bit aways from the station so they’d have some privacy.

Youngjae’s stomach filled with dread at the fact that Changsun felt the need to speak to him alone. They could still see Jaebum and Hyunjin when Changsun finally came to a stop turned towards Youngjae. The pair stared at them for a moment before becoming engrossed in conversation once again. Youngjae could see Jaebum’s eyes flickering over to his while pretending to listen to Hyunjin.

“I’m probably overstepping my bounds but I want to ask you a favour.” Chansgun began, garnering Youngjae’s full attention. The older man seemed nervous as he kicked some stray snow on the ground. “As I’m sure you know Jaebum likes to seem strong. He wants to seem invincible to the whole world but he isn’t. I want you to look after him, care for him even when he says he doesn’t need it because that’s probably when he needs you the most. I want you to stay by his side, be there for him, hold him.” Changsun said earnestly, while Youngjae’s stomach practically rolled.

“You can’t ask this of me. It’s not fair.” Youngjae grit out, shaking his head. Changsun didn’t understand. Youngjae was willing to be friends again but what Changsun was asking for was too much.

“Why?” Changsun demanded, stepping closer to Youngjae as he lowered his voice. “Because you love him?” Changsun’s words felt like a punch to the gut. They weren’t said with the same teasing smile as earlier but with an assurance that was damning. Youngjae couldn’t respond, he wouldn’t indulge this nonsense anymore. He had been hurt too many times. So he twisted to the side, ready to go over to Jaebum and demand they go home but Changsun seemed to have anticipated a possible attempt at escape. He grabbed one of Youngjae’s shoulders, effectively holding him in place and forcing him to listen.

“He loves you too, I can see it, Hyunjin can see it. The only ones in the dark are you and Jaebum.” Changsun pressed, exasperation seeping into his tone. It was the fact that Changsun had the audacity to be annoyed at Youngjae that had Youngjae snapping back at him.

“Why aren’t you talking to him then, huh?” Youngjae shoved Changsun’s hand off his arm roughly, only to have the other boy place it back a second later.

“You know he’s not ready for that just yet. It’d ruin all the progress he’s made, he has to come to it on his own. You, on the other hand, you know deep down how you feel. Look, I know how hard our Jaebum makes it to love him sometimes, I know but please just wait a little longer.” Changsun was now pleading, stepping closer to Youngjae as he continued in earnest. “You refuse to see it but he lights up when you’re around in a way I’ve only ever seen him do with music. The way he looked at you today whenever you spoke held so much softness and you can deny it all you want but I know I saw the same look in your eyes too.” That was Changsun’s killing blow, the one thing Youngjae kept running from, thrown out into the open. His feelings for Jaebum that would never fully leave him no matter how hard he tried. Changsun barely knew him and he could see it, could see the lies Youngjae told himself every day. The thought drew his eyes to the source of the problem only a few feet away, smiling at something Hyunjin had said.

“I have a boyfriend.” Youngjae murmured breathlessly, his voice catching on the final word. Earlier when he had said those words it had been a refutation of the possibility of dating Jaebum. Now, as Youngjae said it with watery eyes, it felt like an admission of guilt.

“Oh, honey,” Changsun murmured, suddenly pulling Youngjae in for a hug. Robotically, Youngjae wrapped his arms around him, trying to keep the tears at bay. He was sick of crying. “I didn’t call you over here to upset you, I’m so sorry,” Changsun muttered into his hair, rubbing Youngjae’s back like he was a baby. It was odd having someone he barely knew comfort him like this but it felt right. Maybe it was the fact Changsun had grown up with Jaebum and had been shoved away by Jaebum for the same reason but it felt like Changsun understood Youngjae. He knew Youngjae’s pain better than anyone else because he too had lost Jaebum to his mother. They both had him back now. Then why did Jaebum still feel so out of reach then?

“Hey, we should go back over. They’re looking worried.” Changsun whispered, pulling back with another apologetic smile. Youngjae glanced over and sure enough, Jaebum looked like he was about to come over, Hyunjin’s hand on his arm presumably keeping him in place.

Youngjae gave Jaebum a small wave as they walked back over, trying to reassure him. The older boy cutely waved back, his brows still furrowed in concern. Youngjae’s heart ached at the little action. They sidled up to their respective boys, Jaebum instantly throwing an arm around Youngjae yet again. The younger boy didn’t look over at him, unwilling to see the questions he knew would be lying there. Youngjae just hoped Jaebum assumed his watery eyes were a side effect of the cold wind blustering around them.

They resumed their conversations easily. However, their endless shivering had to bring the meetup to an end soon after. They all said their goodbyes, Hyunjin blushing as Youngjae enthusiastically hugged him and suggested swapping numbers. Changsun wouldn’t let his boyfriend live it down, pretending to be in a huff about how disloyal he was acting. Maybe it was just his mind playing tricks on him but when Changsun hugged him it felt like he held him tighter than before, it felt like an apology. Youngjae tried to reassure him by hugging him back just as tight.

When Changsun pulled back he turned to Jaebum. They both stood there for a second before breaking out into wide smiles and wrapping each other up in a hug. They held each other for a long time, murmuring quietly to each other, the wind too loud for Youngjae to be able to hear what they were saying. They both seemed reluctant to let go and walk away, Jaebum bumping his fist into Changsun’s shoulder as he pulled away while Changsun poked at Jaebum’s side affectionately.

Jaebum and Youngjae waited outside the station, side by side but not touching, as they watched the couple’s retreating backs. Changsun kept turning around to wave happily at them until he was out of sight. Youngjae looked up at Jaebum then, the older man’s gaze was staring at the spot Changsun was just standing in, a dazed smile on his face. Pushing away all his inhibitions, all his overthinking, Youngjae did what he wanted for the first time in a while.

Youngjae wrapped himself around Jaebum, trapping Jaebum’s arms to his sides. He felt Jaebum stiffen for a moment under his touch before relaxing once more. Youngjae pushed his face into Jaebum’s shoulder, hiding so he wouldn’t have to explain himself. He hoped Jaebum would simply feel how proud of him he was because Youngjae wasn’t able to put it into words. It had gotten colder but neither of them moved a muscle, probably attracting stares from passers-by. He felt Jaebum bending his neck so his head rested against the top of Youngjae’s. It was then that Youngjae realised he didn’t even care if people saw or if he caught a cold.

“You’re not going to tell me what Changsun said to you, are you?” Jaebum murmured. Youngjae shuddered as they were so close, feeling the words rumble through Jaebum. Changsun’s temptingly deceptive words ran through his head again,; ‘ He loves you too’. It made him nauseous, and he found himself mutely shaking his head and effectively burying his face further into Jaebum’s shoulder. He felt the older boy sigh. “Maybe one day?” Jaebum asked hopefully, the words coming out muffled as Jaebum had twisted himself, his face pressing into the top of Youngjae’s head. Youngjae closed his eyes at the sensation of the words whispering through his hair.

‘please just wait a little longer.’

“Maybe.”

Chapter Text

For anyone who was wondering what Changsun and Jaebum were talking about in the last chapter…

Jaebum felt Changsun’s arms wrap around him, pulling him close. He never dreamed that he would see Changsun again never mind daring to think it would go so well. It was just like when they were kids, except Changsun must’ve had a growth spurt. He now had to bend down to rest his chin on Jaebum’s shoulder as they hugged. Even though things were different now, it still felt right. It was like a piece of the jigsaw had finally been put back into place. Jaebum was the first one that dared to speak.

“I’m so glad you showed up.” Jaebum beamed, tightening his arms around Changsun as if the other boy would evaporate before his eyes. He almost missed Changsun’s whispered “me too” as he held Jaebum just as tight.

“Don’t push me out of your life ever again, you big idiot,” Changsun muttered, causing Jaebum to laugh a little against him. A moment of silence passed between them once more before Changsun murmured a small “I mean it.”

“You’re stuck with me forever.” Jaebum grinned, feeling a tensed Changsun relax against him. They were quiet for a minute, both aware they should let the other go soon.

“Can you promise me something?” Changsun suddenly asked, waiting for Jaebum to hum in affirmation. “Promise me you’ll follow your heart.” Jaebum started laughing again at the cheesy line. “I’m serious,” Changsun muttered sternly, causing Jaebum to fall quiet. “Don’t repeat the same mistakes. If you love someone, no matter who tells you it’s wrong, let yourself love them. Let yourself be loved. Don’t care what anyone else thinks.” Changsun ordered, the urgency in his voice slightly worrying Jaebum since he had no idea what Changsun was talking about. Jaebum felt his stomach twist the same way it had at Jinyoung’s house all those weeks ago.

Where did all this talk of love come from? When Jaebum thought about love he thought about gentle hands running through his hair as they shared secrets with one another late into the night. He thought about a beautiful voice that he used to fall asleep to, that he could harmonize with effortlessly. Jaebum thought about all the songs he had written, all those lyrics about love that were inspired by one person. He thought about loud gasping laughter, a boxy grin that scrunched up a beautiful face and a small mole under chocolate brown eyes.

Jaebum thought about Youngjae.

“Promise me,” Changsun demanded, pulling Jaebum out of his muddled and terrifying thoughts, his mouth feeling as dry as a desert. Jaebum thought about the warmth of Youngjae’s hand in his earlier and he found the willpower to respond.

“I promise.”

***

Jaebum sat in silence, the cosy room and the cushion underneath him familiar as he focused on his breathing. He didn’t understand why they needed these long, uncomfortable silences. Isn’t talking what he was supposed to be doing? Eun-chae always encouraged this “slowing down” of the conversation. Apparently, Jaebum had a tendency to talk fast in their sessions.

Eun-chae liked having him stop and “sit in the silence” as she called it. So, there they were, both of them just sitting in it. Eun-chae had her signature serene smile on her face and Jaebum just knew she was waiting for his shoulders to ease.

Jaebum begrudgingly admits that he does notice how he sometimes feels slightly out of breath in their sessions. He doesn’t think it’s the talking though. Talking is fine, talking distracts him. It’s when he stops talking, when he just stops and sits in her goddamn silence like this that he feels the breathlessness. Once he stops, he can feel a weight, like something is sitting right on his solar plexus and that’s the real issue. Eun-chae keeps trying to have Jaebum “locate” the heaviness and think about why it exists, where it comes from, so on and so forth.

Jaebum is more interested in breathing. He had never noticed it before and ignorance really was bliss because now that Eun-chae had pointed it out to him Jaebum felt it all the time; in company meetings, when he declined his mother’s phone calls if he caught himself staring at a certain someone for too long- it was there. Eun-chae thought this was a good thing.

“Acknowledging this feeling is the first step to conquering it.” Eun-chae had assured him, no doubt quoting one of the many books that lined her walls.

Jaebum will also admit that her centring techniques do help him loosen whatever has a hold of his lungs. It doesn’t let go, it’s still there no matter how “centred” Jaebum is but it's a relief nonetheless. Sitting there opposite her, both their feet planted firmly on the ground, hands flat on their laps, did alleviate the tenseness of his shoulders a little bit. Eun-chae waited patiently until Jaebum cleared his throat, an indication that he was ready to start talking again.

“So, is there anything else that’s been on your mind since we last spoke, Jaebum?” Eun-chae smiled, shifting so she was leaning forward a little; attentive. Jaebum looked down at the small table beside them, eyeing the unused tissues as he thought about his answer. All his brain offered up was one person’s name over and over again.

“Youngjae.” Jaebum blurted out, blaming his slip on the exhaustion that inevitably crept up on him at the end of every session.

“Do you want to elaborate on that a little bit?” Eun-chae probed gently.

Jaebum knew he could turn around and refuse. After all, Eun-chae never forced him to talk about anything he didn’t want to. She would easily drop it without batting an eye but Jaebum didn’t want to leave it alone. He needed answers.

Jaebum just wasn’t sure what questions to ask, or who he could ask without ruining everything. Jaebum couldn’t turn to Mark or Jinyoung. Youngjae was obviously an impossibility. That left Eun-Chae.

Wasn’t it her job to help him sort out the stuff going on in his head? Wasn’t that what therapy was supposed to be all about? Now he that he had brought up he didn’t know where to begin.

“What’s the difference between loving someone as a friend and being in love, like, romantically?” Jaebum finally asked back after much contemplation. Jaebum could see Eun-chae doing her best to keep her face relatively blank, but Jaebum doesn’t like the momentary knowing look that flashes in her eyes. Surprisingly, Eun-Chae actually considers his question before answering him seriously.

“Well, I’m hardly an expert. You’ll find everyone has their own opinion about things like love but I think that there can very little difference between the two sometimes. Or it can seem that way to us.” Eun-chae paused thoughtfully as Jaebum took this in, nodding his head vaguely. She hadn’t really answered his question, she never does. Jaebum agreed with her nonetheless. It was hard to distinguish what was just a friendly brotherly love or what might be more. Jaebum wished she could just tell him that he was experiencing the former; put him at ease and stop him from having a mini-crisis.

“What do you think the difference is?”

“I don’t know.” Jaebum sighed defeatedly as he struggled to find a better answer. Mark’s words back in Jinyoung’s house ran through his head. “It-it’s just-it’s… this is all Mark’s fault, really. And Changsun’s. The two of them.” Jaebum huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. Eun-Chae waited a moment, probably waiting to see if he would continue before she prodded him to elaborate.

“How so?”

“Mark’s in love with Jinyoung and that’s fine. I support them and all that, but he said all this stuff about love. How it makes you feel warm and fluttery and how the person you love makes you smile and cry and laugh and feel basically.” Jaebum vented, finally expelling all of his pent-up thoughts and frustrations. The weight was back in full force, making it feel like his words were clawing their way out of his throat. “Mark says you’d do anything for them, put their feelings first and worry if they’re happy or if they’ve eaten and it freaked me the fuck out. But I pushed it down and forgot about it. Then Changsun started spouting nonsense about ‘following my heart’ and it got me thinking about what Mark had said all over again and it won’t stop. ” Jaebum snapped, his heavy breathing filling every corner of the suddenly small room. He hated the sound of it, how it harmonized with the pounding in his head and the blood rushing through his veins. Eun-chae allowed him to calm himself down again before she pushed any further.

“Why do you think what Mark said ‘freaked you out’?”

Jaebum knew why. He wished he didn’t and he wasn’t sure he was ready to hear the truth out loud; to have the words sit in between them. The room felt too small for them. Jaebum knew once he said it he wouldn’t be able to take it back. Someone else will have heard it, and he wouldn’t be able to deny it to himself anymore as a mere wayward thought.

“I’ve felt the same way. Everything Mark said. All of it. When I’m around...” Jaebum trailed off, unable to say his name. The syllables caught in his throat like a hard to swallow pill. Instead of speaking he stared down at his feet, tracing the scuff marks on his shoe.

“Around who?” Eun-chae prompted, her gentle voice encouraging Jaebum to make eye contact.

“Youngjae.” Jaebum breathed out around the lump in his throat. He studied Eun-Chae’s face for any kind of reaction but she maintained her neutral expression as if she wasn’t even surprised.

“Your band-member?” Eun-chae clarified.

“What am I supposed to do?” Jaebum demanded instead of responding. It was pretty obvious since there was only one Youngjae in his life. They both knew who he was talking about. “I can’t feel this way about him.” Jaebum shook his head, feeling the dredges of anxiety from his rage earlier simmering in the background.

“Why not?”

“I’m not gay.” Jaebum spat harshly. It almost annoyed him how Eun-Chae didn’t even flinch. It was unfair that she could afford to be calm.

“Yet you’re attracted to Youngjae,” Eun-Chae said evenly, watching unphased as Jaebum physically cringed at her choice of words.

“I have no idea how I feel.” Jaebum stubbornly shook his head again, running his hands through his hair to give them something to do. He was lying. He knew how he felt. It was all Jaebum had thought about the last couple of weeks. Youngjae made him feel so much it was honestly overwhelming for Jaebum. His whole body was starting to feel itchy like he needed to act not sit in this warm room and talk. Talking with Mark and Changsun had gotten him into this mess in the first place.

“I think you do.” Eun-chae countered tentatively as if reading his mind. Jaebum simply glared at that same scuff mark, refusing to comment or meet her eyes. Eun-chae let the silence linger for a moment before she broached the subject again. “Let me ask you this: if you could be with Youngjae romantically and know that no one would look at you differently, think differently of you, if it could be as normal as you dating a girl, would you?” Eun-chae asked, sounding like it was a rhetorical question to Jaebum. Like they both already knew his answer. A world where Jaebum could fearlessly hold Youngjae’s hand in public, a world where Jaebum’s mother wouldn’t loom over him like a spectre of his past, a world where he could wake up beside Youngjae again. He wanted it more than he was ever willing to admit, even to himself. The hypothetical world Eun-chae had described was just that; hypothetical. It could never happen.

“It doesn’t matter.” Jaebum grit out, refusing to play along.

“Why not?” Eun-chae shrugged, trying to coax a longer response from Jaebum.

“Even if we lived in that perfect world of yours it wouldn’t matter. Youngjae has a boyfriend.” Jaebum reminded her. They had spoken extensively about Jaebum’s odd dislike of Charlie before. The last couple of days he was finally starting to get a sense of where it all came from. “And even if he didn’t, it still wouldn’t matter because I’ve hurt Youngjae too much for him to ever see me like that. I’m lucky he still wants to be friends.” Jaebum sighed, already tired of the way Eun-chae was steering the conversation. He couldn’t afford to indulge such thoughts. “And I’m not gay.” Jaebum reaffirmed, but even to his own ears he sounded like a child petulantly refuting the blue of the sky. He couldn’t deny he felt something more than friendship for Youngjae, whether he wanted to or not. It wasn’t really a matter of gay or straight anymore but Jaebum clung to it regardless.

“I’m interested in talking more about what Changsun said about ‘following your heart’, if that’s ok,” Eun-Chae suggested, ignoring everything Jaebum had just said.

“I’m not. It’s a useless exercise.” Jaebum rebuked bluntly. He may have promised Changsun, but his old friend would never know if he didn’t keep it. Changsun didn’t understand the weight of what he was asking of Jaebum.

“Following his advice or talking about it?” Eun-Chae questioned.

“Both.” Jaebum deadpanned, to which Eun-chae resignedly glanced at her watch.

“Unfortunately, we don’t have enough time to get into it now but I’d like to talk about it in our next session if that’s ok. And if I could, before you go, I’d like to give you something to think about.” Eun-chae waited for Jaebum to nod that he was listening before she continued.  “I know won’t be seeing each other for a few weeks with the tour starting up, right?”

“Yeah, we leave in two days.” He shrugged.

“Well during our time apart I’d like you to take what Changsun said on board. Just do what feels right in the moment regardless of what you fear people might think. Try just doing what you want for a change. As long you’re not hurting someone else you shouldn’t feel bad for going for what you truly want. Don’t overthink it. Don’t think about labels, your past and everything else that you fear could get in your way.” She urged, leaning forward slightly.

Her mini speech left Jaebum slightly taken aback, unsure whether it was appropriate to thank her or would that be awkward. Instead, Jaebum settled for a nod and a muted “I’ll try.” Eun-chae smiled encouragingly back at him before standing up and walking Jaebum to her door, exchanging their usual goodbyes.

It was all well and good to talk about these things in her office away from the real world, away from the prying eyes and judging minds of others. Whenever he was in that little bubble of safety it seemed so easy but, in the end, they both knew he would have to face the wolves eventually. There was no use pretending.

Walking out into the carpark after a session is always a strange experience for Jaebum. Once Eun-chae’s office door closes it’s like a switch in his body flips and he’s suddenly aware of every inch of his skin. Jaebum feels raw and on edge, as if the smallest tap could send him toppling over. Getting outside into the open-air carpark helped as the still cold air of January cooled his itching muscles. Jaebum wished he didn’t have to have his hood up and a face mask on. He’d like to have felt the air on his skin properly but he knows he can’t risk being recognized anywhere near a practice like this. Jaebum quickly spots the company car in its usual spot at the very back of the lot. Jinyoung dropped him off today but it’s Jackson who unlocks the car door for him, dressed just as inconspicuously, even wearing sunglasses for good measure. Jackson slowly rolls the car towards the exit while Jaebum straps himself in and leans back into the uncomfortable seat.

“How’d it go?” Jackson tried as they pull out onto the street. Jaebum shrinks further into his seat before answering.

“I really appreciate the concern, I do, but I’ve done enough talking today. Is it ok if I just sleep the rest of the way home?” Jaebum wheedled, his eyes already closed and his head resting against the cold car window.

“No worries. I’ll wake you when we’re home.” Jackson assured him, gently patting Jaebum’s knee before returning his attention towards the road. Jackson was good like that. He was always there for him without ever pressing for too much information.

Jaebum wasn’t lying about the exhaustion though. His brain was fried from overthinking and his body was aching from the roller coaster of emotions he was putting himself through. Even though every part of Jaebum screamed for sleep he just couldn’t stop Eun-chae’s words from racing around his head. He kept bringing himself back to that fictional world she had proposed where another Youngjae and Jaebum existed and were happy together. Jaebum tortured himself some more, imagining what it would be like to date Youngjae. The idea still seemed a little strange to him but he would be lying if he said it didn’t tempt him. It should worry him how easily he could imagine it all, really.

Jaebum could see them on silly dates to the trick-eye museum, spending hours taking photos or bringing Coco on long walks in the park, just talking about life, their dreams and futures; anything and everything. They would spend hours in the dorm watching films or funny YouTube videos together or maybe Jaebum would just watch as Youngjae played his games. Jaebum would write cheesy love songs about bright smiles and louder than life laughter and a honeyed voice, his muse providing new material every day. The others would tease them for PDA or being too coupley and Youngjae would pretend to hate it but secretly love it. They would no doubt share a room again, waking up every morning twisted around one another like they had done too many times before. Youngjae would pull Jaebum back to bed if he tried getting up before 10 am, his insistence on cuddling making them both late. Whatever scolding they would receive would be worth it as long as Jaebum got the chance to hold Youngjae like that again.

But he wouldn’t. Jaebum had ruined any chance of that happening a long time ago. Maybe this was karma’s way of settling the score. Still, he yearned for Youngjae's warmth, his whole body ached to be close to Youngjae. The empty feeling left behind clawed at him from the inside out.

He deserved this. Jaebum deserved to feel as shitty as he had made Youngjae feel. Jaebum didn't register he was crying until he felt Jackson's hand on his leg, squeezing comfortingly. Jackson didn't say anything, letting Jaebum pretend he was still asleep. Jackson never pried. He was good like that.

***

Jaebum watched the planes sitting stationary outside. They looked kind of creepy shrouded in the darkness of night, like abandoned houses. The other boarding gates within view were empty. The only people around were staff and his members, all of them quiet as they waited for any news. Their already late flight was delayed apparently. They were supposed to arrive in Taipei sometime during the night but Jaebum feared it would be closer to morning by the time they would land. Jaebum felt Jinyoung shift a little in his seat beside him, drawing Jaebum’s attention away from the desolate aircrafts.

Jinyoung had his glasses on, using this unexpected wait to read. Mark sat on the other side of Jinyoung, head resting on the younger’s shoulder, eyes closed. Jaebum knew that if the staff wasn’t hovering around, Jinyoung would forsake one of his hands to hold Mark’s. It kind of annoyed Jaebum that they couldn't but neither of his friends seemed particularly put out by it. Jaebum considered reading over Jinyoung’s shoulder to pass time but he was barely a sentence in before he was lost as to what was going on. Jackson and Yugyeom were in similar states to Mark, slouching in the uncomfortable airport seats, heads bent down and eyes closed. BamBam was awake beside them but he had his earphones in, a clear sign he wasn’t up for conversation. Jaebum’s eyes scanned the staff chatting lowly amongst themselves, his eyes searching him out on instinct.

It didn’t take long to spot him. Jaebum had been avoiding looking in that direction for the past twenty minutes, hence the fascination with the planes. A row away from the rest sat Youngjae talking far too animatedly for how late it was. Charlie beside him was all smiles, nodding eagerly at whatever Youngjae was saying. Jaebum knew he should look away. It was creepy to stare. It wouldn’t do him any good either, looking at something he could never let himself have. However, he was apparently in the mood to punish himself, or, maybe he just wanted Youngjae to notice him, maybe he just wanted to have Youngjae look back at him.

“Just go over there,” Jinyoung suggested, causing Jaebum to snap out of his reverie with a little jolt. He tore his eyes from Youngjae to look at Jinyoung whose eyes were still trained on his book.

“Over where?” Jaebum asked, playing dumb and eliciting a sigh from Jinyoung.

“To Youngjae. I can feel you staring holes into the poor boy’s skull. It’s distracting.” Jinyoung explained flippantly, turning over the next page without so much as a glance Jaebum’s way.

“I-I wasn’t, I-” Jaebum flimsily denied, stumbling over his own words. “He’s with Charlie anyway so I don’t want to bother them and be a third wheel or something.” Jaebum huffed, slinking further down into his seat.

“You’re third-wheeling right now. Just go, it’s not a big deal unless... you want to make it one.” Jinyoung insinuated, looking up from his book, at last, to shoot Jaebum the fakest quizzical stare. Jinyoung raised an eyebrow, challenging Jaebum when he remained where he was.

“Fine, fine, I’m going.” Jaebum exhaled exasperatedly, making a big show of jostling Jinyoung as he stood up. This earned him a customary glare from Jinyoung as he shooed Jaebum away with his hand toward Youngjae.

Jaebum’s legs felt as heavy as lead as he walked around the chairs, nodding to passing staff as he went. Eun-chae best be proud of him, wherever she was. He was following her advice, doing what he wanted. Even against his better judgment he trudged on. Youngjae didn’t notice him until Jaebum was standing above them both. Whatever he was saying died on his lips, his voice trailing off as he stared up at Jaebum. Youngjae’s face was unreadable to Jaebum and, frankly, it freaked him out. Charlie, funnily enough, wasn’t hiding his annoyance at the intrusion, his face unimpressed. There was an awkward beat of silence where no one said anything and then they all spoke at once.

“What’s up?”

“Are you ok?”

“What are you doing here?”

Jaebum wondered if he could just walk away now and pretend this didn’t happen. What was he even doing here? Eun-chae was wrong, this was a terrible idea. Youngjae’s sudden burst of laughter kept Jaebum rooted in place, the gleeful sound naturally diffusing some of the tension. Even Charlie cracked a smile.

“Everything ok?” Youngjae asked, wide eyes gazing up at Jaebum in a way that caused him to lose all his words. Why didn’t he think of something to say on his way over? Now he was just floundering like a fool.

“Um, yeah, just, uh, wondering what seat number you are?” Jaebum asked, waving his own ticket lamely in the air. After what felt like an eternity of Youngjae rooting through his bag he found his ticket, pulling it out with a satisfied “aha!”.

“I’m 23C. You?” Youngjae smiled, cocking his head to the side cutely. It took Jaebum a second too long to realise that Youngjae had asked him a question and that social norms required he answer.

“Oh, uh 2F. Huh, so far away from each other.” Jaebum mumbled, oddly disappointed by the revelation. Youngjae was looking at him like he wanted to say something but thought better of it.

“Is that all?” Charlie questioned, no malice in his voice; he seemed genuinely curious. Jaebum wished he was more of an asshole. It would make disliking him easier. Still, the question made Jaebum realise how immensely stupid he looked right now. Here he was, standing there with nothing to add to their conversation, no reason to be there except the fact he wanted to talk to Youngjae as if he had any claim to his time.

“Yeah, sorry for bothering you both.” Jaebum apologised, not looking at either of them as he ducked his head and made a beeline straight for the bathrooms. The short walk to the bathroom felt like a walk of shame. Jaebum was convinced he could feel several eyes on his back. His face was searing red from the embarrassment of whatever that non-conversation was. Jaebum cursed Park Jinyoung for running his dumb mouth.

Thankfully the bathroom was, like much of the airport, deserted at this time of night. Jaebum was free to fully cringe at himself in peace. He splashed his face with cold water to try combat the pink of his cheeks but to no avail. Jaebum let the droplets run down his face, not bothering to dry them off, staring at himself in the mirror. He would be 24 tomorrow. Only one year older and yet so much had changed. Jaebum definitely preferred the man standing in front of him to the person he was only a few months ago. Even if this Jaebum was a mess of emotions who couldn’t hold a conversation, at least he was making some progress.

“Bummie?” The soft voice sounded like a ghost from his past, tempting him.

“You didn’t have to check up on me.” Jaebum sighed, eyeing Youngjae’s reflection in the mirror rather than facing him. The younger boy stood by the door, unsure of himself.

“I wanted to.” Youngjae countered, taking a few steps closer.

“Well, I’m fine,” Jaebum replied, turning around to show Youngjae that he was indeed ok. He hoped the younger would leave him to wallow, go be happy with his boyfriend but it seemed Youngjae had other plans. Ignoring what Jaebum had said Youngjae crossed the short distance between them, seating himself on the sink countertop beside Jaebum.

“You’re stressed,” Youngjae said, all matter of fact, twisting to face Jaebum better. Jaebum didn't respond, unsure what there was to say. ‘Yes, Youngjae, you're right! I'm very stressed at the minute. Why? Oh, because I can't stop analysing every aspect of our friendship up until now and how we never really acted like friends. Do you ever think about the fact we acted more like a couple than roommates because that's honestly making me have a mini-crisis!’ Of course, he would never dare that out loud. Youngjae was staring at him expectantly but all Jaebum could muster was a noncommittal shrug as he leaned against the counter himself. He didn't like how Youngjae's face showed his disappointment. Really, Jaebum just didn't like disappointing Youngjae.

“It seemed like you wanted to say something, but I know Charlie was sitting there and you probably didn't feel comfortable enough so…”

“So… you decided to follow me into the bathroom and interrogate me here?” Jaebum teased, grinning as he managed to bring some life back into Youngjae's face. The younger boy looked affronted but Jaebum would rather that than his closed-off disapproval.

“Maybe,” Youngjae admitted reluctantly, crossing his arms with a little pout. Jaebum couldn't help but outright laugh at how transparent Youngjae could be. Even Youngjae smiled in spite of himself as he complained that Jaebum was avoiding the topic.

“I really am fine,” Jaebum assured him, he wasn't lying either. Although he wouldn't admit it out loud having Youngjae come to check up on him lifted his mood. It showed he cared. The petty side of Jaebum relished in the idea that Youngjae had left his boyfriend waiting outside to go after Jaebum. He wouldn't focus on that now. It made him brave enough to speak his mind. “I just wanted to talk to you. I didn't have anything in mind. Just wanted to spend time with you.” Jaebum said simply, gazing over at a slightly shocked Youngjae. Jaebum prayed the pink of his cheeks wasn’t as noticeable as it felt.

“Oh.” Youngjae breathed out, eyes averted from Jaebum. The older boy wished he could tell what Youngjae was thinking. Was he coming across as weird? Or worse, annoying?

“But you left so suddenly.” Youngjae pointed out, forehead pinched in confusion as he stared down at the dirty bathroom floor. Had Youngjae wanted him to stay? If so why had he left Jaebum standing there like a fool, scrambling for something to say.

“I thought I ought to give the happy couple some alone time, stop getting in the way.” Jaebum tried to say as casually as he could, hoping it didn’t come across as bitter as he felt. When he looked over at Youngjae the other boy was already frowning at him. Maybe he really wasn’t concealing his feelings all that well.

“You weren't getting in the way.” Youngjae denied in earnest, leaning subconsciously closer to the older boy. Jaebum noticed it though, like he was noticing every little thing Youngjae did these days. Youngjae’s words and his close proximity was slightly overwhelming. Jaebum couldn’t stop himself from pulling back, shifting so he looking straight ahead rather than at Youngjae.

“He’s probably waiting for you,” Jaebum mumbled, his statement directed at the stalls opposite them.

“He’ll survive a few more minutes without me,” Youngjae said quietly, shuffling across the counter so that his legs almost touched Jaebum’s.

“I really am fine,” Jaebum repeated, side-eyeing Youngjae as he spoke. This time he wasn’t telling the full truth as having Youngjae this close really wasn’t all that fine anymore. It felt nice, warm and familiar but also terrifyingly confusing in that it wasn’t enough.

“I know but look at the time,” Youngjae ordered, poking Jaebum with his elbow. Jaebum looked down at Youngjae’s lit up phone screen. The first thing that caught his eye was the cute photo of Coco sprawled out that made him smile. He focused on the time as Youngjae said. It read 23:58. Youngjae was smiling at him eagerly, waiting.

“It’s late?” Jaebum guessed, causing Youngjae’s face to fall in disappointment.

“Sometimes I forget you dropped out of high school but then you say these things and it reminds me.” Youngjae deadpanned, not letting an offended Jaebum retort as he steamrolled on quickly. “Anyway, you’re turning 24 in like two minutes,” Youngjae said excitedly, checking the time on his phone again. The numbers hadn’t changed.

“And...?” Jaebum asked, unable to see the relevance. It was hardly a monumental birthday, just another year older.

“And, I want to be the first one to say happy birthday to you,” Youngjae explained exasperatedly, like it was obvious. Jaebum just stared at him, dumbfounded. Youngjae remained unaware as he tapped his phone to keep it lit up. It was such a simple gesture, it wasn’t a big deal to wish your friend happy birthday, but the fact that Youngjae wanted to be the first one to say it and was going as far to keep check of the seconds was grossly endearing to Jaebum. His chest was doing that thing again where it felt all warm and tingly. It didn’t feel bad. If anything, it was kind of pleasant as long as Jaebum didn’t think of why it was happening.

Youngjae suddenly turned to him, too happy to catch onto the fact Jaebum had just been blatantly staring at him. Jaebum’s heart rate spiked in shock as Youngjae was getting too close again, waving his phone in Jaebum’s face.

00:00

“Happy birthday, Bummie!” Youngjae practically yelled, grinning wide as he threw himself on Jaebum. The older boy’s arms lay limp at his side for a second while his heart continued to bang in his chest. Before he could wrap his arms around Youngjae’s waist the excitable boy was pulling back to smile at Jaebum menacingly. “Birthday bashes,” Youngjae announced, taking no time to start whacking Jaebum’s arms and chest.

Jaebum’s reaction was instantaneous, bolting up and out of the bathroom. Youngjae followed, attacking his back with glee. They stumbled out into the waiting area, attracting everyone’s attention as their loud voices broke the sleepy quiet atmosphere. Youngjae was counting out his smacks while Jaebum was cursing and begging him to stop.

Jaebum turned around when they got to the chairs. He dodged a swatting Youngjae, running up behind him so he could wrap his arms around Youngjae from the back. Jaebum effectively pinned the boy’s arms to his side while Youngjae roared playfully in dissent. The younger boy kept struggling to release his arms, moving his hands backward to try hit Jaebum’s sides.

A few of their managers glanced over at them tiredly but didn’t intervene. Youngjae was demanding to be let go between peals of laughter, making far too much noise for how late it was. Jackson and Yugyeom had managed to sleep through it but they had woken up Mark. He didn’t look annoyed though. On the contrary, he was gazing fondly over at them, saying something to Jinyoung. Jaebum looked over at Charlie but the other boy was on his phone ignoring them. Jaebum could see how he slightly flinched at each of Youngjae’s loud squeals, making petty Jaebum tighten his hold on Youngjae, pulling him up against Jaebum’s front. There was no space between them.

That’s when it happened.

Jaebum had never moved faster, letting go of Youngjae so suddenly the younger boy slightly stumbled forward. Jaebum’s brain was screaming, barely able to register Youngjae’s triumphant “aha!” as he spun round to face Jaebum. Youngjae immediately finished dishing out his birthday bashes, hitting Jaebum twice on the chest before dashing away. He probably expected Jaebum to chase after him but the older boy was too busy internally panicking to move. Instead, he stood in the middle of the waiting area, stunned, his whole body feeling like it was on fire.

Jaebum half hoped the ground would open up and finally end his never-ending embarrassment once and for all. He thanked every high power there was that he had worn a long-oversized t-shirt today. As naturally as he could Jaebum made his way back over to his seat, refusing to so much as glance in Youngjae’s general vicinity.

“I see Youngjae gave you a little birthday present.” Mark teased, smiling up at Jaebum when he approached them. Jaebum slightly tripped over his feet, nearly falling on his face in front of Jinyoung. Mark couldn’t possibly have seen.

“What?” Jaebum panicked, causing Mark to look at him strangely. Jinyoung looked up from his book at Jaebum’s tone, clearly worried.

“The birthday bashes...” Mark explained, eyeing Jaebum as he visibly relaxed. Jaebum released a breath he didn’t realise he was holding in.

“Oh, yeah. Hurt like a bitch.” Jaebum muttered between forced laughs, taking his seat beside Jinyoung. He could feel the couple’s eyes on him but he ignored them, putting in his earphones and turning up the volume.

Jaebum closed his eyes and tried to not think about the fact Mark and Jinyoung were probably discussing his odd behaviour or think about Youngjae or worse think about that. He concentrated on the music and willed his body to calm the hell down. Jaebum must’ve nodded off at some point because it seemed like only a minute had passed before he was being woken up by an insistent Jinyoung. He made the younger boy half carry him into the line, Mark complaining that Jaebum was going to crush him.

“You’re just jealous.” Jaebum taunted, keeping his arm around Jinyoung’s shoulder as they waited in line. He even leaned his head against a disinterested Jinyoung, sticking his tongue out at Mark. The older boy rolled his eyes at the comment but moved to Jinyoung’s free side, no doubt to hold his hand like the sickeningly cute couple they were. Yugyeom was in front of them looking even more dead on his feet than Jaebum felt. Jackson and BamBam were keeping the youngest up each with a secure hand on his waist. Jaebum was just wondering where Youngjae was when he felt air being blown on the back of his neck, sending a shiver down his spine. “Ahhh, don’t do that, Jae,” Jaebum grumbled, rubbing the spot on his neck while Youngjae giggled behind him.

“Then let them have some space.” Youngjae admonished, jabbing his finger in Jaebum’s side. The older boy instinctively doubled over, losing his grip on an amused Jinyoung who kept walking with a satisfied Mark in tow. Jaebum righted himself, sulking as he shuffled forward, his feet dragging on the ground. “Here, lean on me,” Youngjae suggested, grabbing Jaebum’s arm and ducking under it so the older boy’s arm rested on Youngjae’s shoulder. It took Jaebum a moment to realise what was happening in his sleepy state. It felt like one minute he was just standing there and within the blink of an eye, he was suddenly pressed against Youngjae’s side.

“Uh, Jae, I can walk by myself it’s fine you don’t, uh, have to…” Jaebum tried to explain, but his body was already giving in and letting Youngjae take most of his weight, his eyes starting to slide shut.

“Shush, we can’t have the birthday boy collapsing now, can we?” Youngjae murmured, snaking an arm around Jaebum’s waist as he nudged them both forward. The gentle touch brought back unwanted thoughts in Jaebum’s mind. Not wanting to have a repeat of earlier, Jaebum shoved the thoughts away into some far-off crevice of his mind and focussed on moving his feet one step at a time.

He doesn’t remember much else. He remembered Youngjae prying his passport and ticket out of his hand, presumably to show the airport staff, but he couldn’t recall whether Youngjae had given it back or not. Jaebum doesn’t remember walking onto the plane but suddenly he found himself sitting rather than standing. He could hear people talking around him but he wasn’t bothered to open his eyes instead stretching his legs as far as he could in front of him. Jaebum’s cheek was pressed up against something soft, that was slightly rumbling underneath him. The voices around him got quiet. He could still pick up words like “seat” and “friend” but he wasn’t able to decipher what it meant. Jaebum reached out his arm, pulling whatever he was half lying on closer. The armrest bit into Jaebum’s side but he didn’t care because there were suddenly fingers carding through his hair. Then everything faded into a dull buzz.

Chapter Text

Jaebum must’ve been dreaming. Everything was black but we could hear people talking. He wasn’t sure what about. The voices sounded upset but low like they didn’t want to be heard. Jaebum kind of wanted to open his eyes to see who it was since they sounded familiar. Something was off; there was an ever-present droning noise that made the voices hard to pinpoint.

“...helps him sleep…just sit....”

This voice was definitely easier to hear, as if they were closer, while whoever responded seemed to do so at a distance with only single words sticking out.

“... uncomfortable…”

Jaebum tried to speak up but it sounded garbled even in his dream. There was a long pause then the first voice was back, sadder than before. Jaebum decided he didn’t like the sound.

“...please...come on…”

“...safe flight…”

There was only silence after that.

Jaebum woke up to someone shaking his shoulder. He refused to open his eyes at first, curling his face further into the soft fabric he was resting on. It was moving, which confused Jaebum, but then he heard Youngjae’s voice.

“Come on, we’re about to land. Wake up, sleepy-head.”

Jaebum stiffened as it all starting to make sense. The realisation that he was literally cuddling into Youngjae hit Jaebum like a tonne of bricks. His stupid sleepy self clearly had no restraint and now fully awake Jaebum would have to deal with the consequences.

As quick as he could Jaebum extracted himself from Youngjae, re-adjusting himself in his seat and apologizing to the younger boy. Youngjae shrugged the apology off, stretching his arms up above his head.

Jaebum thought back to yesterday. The memory of Youngjae pressed up against him and how his body had betrayed him made it hard for Jaebum to look at the younger. Jaebum felt almost guilty like he’d done something wrong and maybe he had. It had been a mistake, an accident. It was just his touch deprived body acting up. It had meant nothing.

“I thought you were supposed to sit somewhere else?” Jaebum asked, beyond confused at how they had ended up like this.

“I can move if you like.” Youngjae dryly replied, raising an eyebrow until Jaebum realised his mistake. Jaebum couldn't backtrack fast enough. Youngjae openly laughed at him while Jaebum scrambled to explain himself. “It’s ok, the flight wasn’t booked out and it was basically just us and the staff anyway so we all just picked our own seats.”

“Oh, shit. You probably wanted to sit with Charlie, you should’ve just shoved me off of you.” Jaebum sighed, shaking his head as he apologised again. He may have been half asleep but that was selfish of him.

“The aisle seat is free. He could’ve sat there.” Youngjae pointed out, trying to act nonchalant but Jaebum could see he was upset in the set of his tense shoulders. Youngjae eyed the seat beside him as if it’s emptiness itself offended him. Why hadn’t Charlie sat with them? Jaebum thought about the position he’d woken up in and just knew. Jaebum had done this. He didn’t get any petty joy out of this, not with Youngjae looking so hurt.

“Jae, I’m so-”

“Stop apologizing, it’s not your fault.” Youngjae cut across him, smiling in a way that was supposed to reassure Jaebum. They both knew each other too well for that. “It’s not a big deal, don’t worry.” Youngjae continued, that awfully fake smile still in place. Jaebum wished he could make Youngjae smile for real. Whatever had happened while he slept made him hesitate. He wondered if he would be doing more harm than good. “Everything’s fine,” Youngjae whispered, sounding like he was trying to convince himself rather than Jaebum.

***

Due to their delayed flight, they only had about three hours to sleep before they needed to get ready for rehearsal. Everyone was feeling the toll of the journey but they were all desperately pulling energy from anywhere they could. Despite their exhaustion, all the other members wished Jaebum happy birthday in their usual way. BamBam and Yugyeom hovered around him during sound check, making weird faces and calling him grandpa whenever they got the chance. Jackson hung off of him most of the day, keeping up a constant stream of praise whenever Jaebum did anything remotely well. Jinyoung was more subtle, making sure Jaebum always had water or offering to stand so Jaebum could sit. Mark always became more touchy, patting Jaebum on the back whenever he passed or squeezing his arm reassuringly.

Youngjae was the only one who acted any different. Normally he would be worse than Jackson for overwhelming Jaebum with physical affection. One year Jaebum remembers the staff had to scold Youngjae several times for accidentally getting makeup on Jaebum’s white shirt from hugging him so much.

This year Youngjae kept his distance. Jaebum noticed it early on in the day. When they had all piled into the rental van that morning Youngjae had avoided any and all eye contact with Jaebum. The older boy’s heart felt like it was wedged painfully in his stomach. Thankfully, Youngjae started looking at him again once they were sorting placement on the stage. Still, it felt like something was standing between them. Youngjae wasn’t exactly ignoring Jaebum; he was still speaking to the older boy when needed, but he was being careful. Throughout the whole day, Youngjae made a concerted effort to not touch Jaebum, standing further away than he had to or making sure their skin didn’t touch.

Jaebum said it to Mark during one of their water breaks, hoping the older boy might be able to shed some light on the situation. Mark listened intently while Jaebum told him what had happened on the plane: from his falling asleep to Charlie not sitting with them and finally how upset Youngjae had been. He had considered telling Mark about his little problem but decided after thinking about it for longer than two seconds that it was just too embarrassing. What would Mark think of him? A quiet voice in the back of his mind treacherously whispered that he wasn’t embarrassed but afraid. Terrified of the truth, that it wasn’t a fluke incident, and that this didn’t just happen. Jaebum had always been good at burying things, shoving them to the back of mind. So, instead, he focused on how Youngjae had been acting odd all day. Mark nodded along as he spoke, eyes trained on Youngjae who was sitting on his phone on the other side of the stage.

“I think Charlie’s jealous of you,” Mark said, face serious as he eyed Jaebum to see his reaction.

“Me? But he’s the one who gets to date Youngjae.” Jaebum blurted out, instantly regretting his choice of words. Mark rose an eyebrow at him but thankfully didn’t pass comment.

“If I saw someone, who’s basically a stranger to me, cuddling with Jinyoung like that I’d probably be jealous too.” Mark shrugged, putting a comforting hand on Jaebum’s knee. When Mark put it like that, Charlie’s reaction made more sense but Jaebum still didn’t agree with it.

“I think Youngjae’s just trying to put some space between you, for Charlie’s sake, but he doesn’t want to worry you or doesn’t know how to tell you.” Mark grimaced, squeezing Jaebum’s knee lightly. Jaebum understood what Mark left unsaid; that Youngjae didn’t know how to tell Jaebum he was choosing Charlie over him. It hurt Jaebum more than he himself was willing to acknowledge just yet.

“We’re just acting like we always did.” Jaebum heard himself say, eyes thrown up to the lighting fixtures above them. Beside him, Mark froze for a moment, only for a moment, like it was a trick of the light. “Does this mean we can never go back to how we used to be?” Jaebum demanded, his voice rising with his frustration as he turned to face Mark head on. Mark’s eyes flitted over to where Jaebum knew Youngjae was sitting, but he couldn’t bring himself to care if the younger boy heard them.

“I think you guys could have something better. Just give it time.” Mark murmured, eyes earnest despite his cryptic words. Jaebum wanted to ask him what he meant, what was better than what they used to have? Jaebum used to fall asleep with Youngjae in his arms, was there anything better? Mark was saved from explaining himself by their manager who was calling them all back over to start up again. The moment was lost and forgotten in the chaos of touring.

***

The fanmeet itself actually went better than Jaebum had anticipated. Youngjae was still avoiding any direct contact but Jaebum focused on the fans instead, making eye contact with as many people as he could. All of their performances went as planned, the crowd cheering them on from the get go. It was in the segments between performances that things started getting interesting.

The staff had set it up that they would read out fans requests; taking part in standard fanservice and challenges. Colourful sticky notes had been pinned up on a makeshift board so the members could pick them out. One of the first ones asked that all the members sing Happy Birthday to Jaebum cutely. He was probably just as enthusiastic as the others about this request. The fans were going crazy. Jackson and Jinyoung gave it their all, bringing out the gross pouts and half-manhandling him. Jaebum couldn’t stop himself from outright laughing at them. He knew Jinyoung would make him pay for that later while Jackson was having too much fun with it to care. Yugyeom went next and his attempt was actually kind of cute. His genuine embarrassment made Jaebum think of the old days when Yugyeom would blush at the smallest bit of praise.

While Yugyeom hid in Jaebum’s shoulder he could see Youngjae standing to the side waiting his turn. After today, Jaebum thought that Youngjae might keep it short and sweet but no, as always he was full of surprises. In the highest, most childlike voice possible Youngjae started singing Happy Birthday, playfully smacking Jaebum’s chest with his fist. Jaebum tried to stop him but gave up when he wouldn’t listen, continuing in a louder voice. Jaebum couldn’t look at him anymore, smiling down at the stage floor instead. Youngjae went as far as to call him Jaebummie, making Jaebum look up at Youngjae. The younger boy was standing a lot closer than he had thought and that’s when he knew looking up was a mistake. Their eyes locked on one another, only for a second, but it was enough to have Jaebum’s heart racing. Youngjae was unaffected, his face scrunched up as he continued squealing. Normally Jaebum would it find it annoying and cheesy but he couldn’t help but smile dumbly up at the younger boy. Youngjae ended his little display with a heart, immediately backing up once he was done. Jaebum was supposed to say something but he was honestly speechless, a little taken aback by how affected he was. What was happening to him? What was Youngjae doing to him?

He ushered on the next person quickly, regretting it when he saw BamBam confidently step forward. The younger boy immediately pressed his face up against Jaebum’s with a creepy expression twisting his features. Jaebum was instantly in stitches with how BamBam kept his face contorted in such a way. In the background, Jaebum vaguely registered that Youngjae was at the post-it board away from the rest of them, looking through the requests. He was distracted from Youngjae though as Mark reluctantly came up to him. Jaebum tried his best to be reassuring. Mark gave his best effort, his voice cracking on Jaebum’s name which caused the crowd to roar. Jaebum was mid-consoling Mark when he noticed Youngjae suddenly beside him again, a little post-it in his hand, a slightly menacing grin on his face.

“JB, Happy Birthday! JB, aegyo please!” Youngjae read out with unfiltered glee, running around the stage in a little circle, laughing the whole time. The other members all joined him with their own fits of laughter, knowing Jaebum’s dislike of cheesy fanservice. He knew Youngjae had sought that out just to mess with him. He wondered if he could get out of since it was birthday but the deafening chanting of the crowd told him otherwise. Jaebum shot Youngjae a glare which the younger boy simply smirked at, joining the crowd in egging Jaebum on.  

***

That first segment was a turning point for them. It was as if with that first bit of contact, that first smack against Jaebum’s chest, that Youngjae snapped out of it. He was back to his usual self, giddy and loud, joking around with Jaebum and the others. He wasn’t thinking over his every action like Jaebum had seen him do earlier. Things slowly got back to normal and he ended the fanmeet in higher spirits than he had started. They even brought out a cake for Jaebum at the end, the members and fans singing Happy Birthday in harmony. Youngjae's frosty attitude seemed like a distant memory as they all piled into the dressing room, sweaty and buzzing from their encore performance.

“I can't believe you made me do that, Jae!” Jaebum whined, pulling on a cackling Youngjae as he tried to get changed. The others were spread out across the room, collapsing into couches and reaching for water.

“I did it for the fans! They wanted to see their cute Jaebummie and I always give the people what they want.” Youngjae announced dramatically, eyes sparkling as he patted Jaebum on the head like he was a little kid. “The chic and sexy thing gets old after a while.” Youngjae quipped, disheveling Jaebum’s styled hair with his hand.

“Oh, really?” Jaebum asked, playing along and cocking his head to the side, Youngjae’s hand naturally falling away from Jaebum's hair. The older reached for Youngjae's arm as he spoke his next words. “I’ve never had any complaints.” Jaebum murmured coyly, wrapping his fingers around Youngjae's wrist, effectively keeping the younger boy in place.

Jaebum's not sure what the hell he thought he was doing but hadn't everyone been saying he should just do what he wants? Well, there he was doing just that, his heart beating a mile a minute. The dressing room suddenly felt stifling and Jaebum's face was feeling the heat, his hand where it touched Youngjae tingling from the warmth. Youngjae’s eyes were still shining, looking right at him, pinning Jaebum to the spot. Did he feel it too?

Then a noise broke through the haze. Someone clearing their throat. Youngjae's eyes flew to focus on whoever it was standing just behind Jaebum. His arm was gone in the next instant, ripped from Jaebum's grip. Jaebum didn't need to check who it was. He felt his own arm fall limp, thudding against his side. Youngjae was looking back at Jaebum, his eyes now swimming with fear, panic, worry? All three at once maybe. Jaebum toyed with the idea that Youngjae looked apologetic like this was affecting him just as much as it was Jaebum.

“Hey, it's ok,” Jaebum whispered, the noise around them creating a protective bubble rather than drowning him out. It wasn't ok, not even a little bit, but that wasn’t Youngjae’s problem. Jaebum's heart was in his throat, making his next words hard to swallow. “I understand,” Jaebum assured him, lying through his teeth. He's not sure he understood anything anymore.

Jaebum took the first step back, giving Youngjae the space to move past him. It still hurt when Youngjae walked away, looking as torn up as Jaebum felt. He must be really worried about Charlie, Jaebum thought, as two stylists jumped on him with wipes and hairbrushes. Jaebum kept his eyes down, resisting the urge to seek out Youngjae.

All the staff were eager to finish early with the promise of a company paid dinner to celebrate Jaebum's birthday and the beginning of a new tour. They made quick work of squeezing the boys out of their skin-tight outfits. Too soon, Jaebum had no reason to keep his eyes on the floor. The rest of the group were gathered around him excited at the prospect of free food and drink. Jackson had an arm over his shoulder again, grinning from ear to ear while they waited for the stylists to pack up their supplies. Youngjae was the only one who held back, alternating between looking at his phone and the group, his bottom lip between his teeth. Jaebum couldn’t stop looking over to him. Youngjae never returned the glances. So much for things going back to normal.

Jaebum tried to ignore the uneasy feeling in his stomach and focus on whatever Jackson was babbling on about. It was only when the room was practically bare that their manager stood up from one of the couches, signaling the cars were ready for them. Jaebum was hyper-aware of everything Youngjae. He couldn't help but notice how the younger boy hung to the back as they all made their way to the exit.

Once they were outside in the unforgiving cold they had to split up and use two cars. Mark, Jinyoung, and Yugyeom all piled into the smaller car as Jackson dragged Jaebum into the car waiting behind it. BamBam was drumming on Jaebum's back as he came up behind him, reeling off all the dishes he was going to order. The three of them were seated in the car, a cold breeze seeping through the open car door.

“Youngjae, hurry up!” BamBam groaned from the back seat. Jaebum looked out the open door, past Jackson who was motioning for Youngjae to get in and set his eyes on the younger boy. Youngjae stood there, phone in hand, eyes flitting between the boys, the driver, and the road. His gaze finally settled on Jaebum. Jaebum could see him make the decision, and it hurt like a bitch.

“I need to do something first. I'll make my own way there.” Youngjae hurriedly said, sliding the door shut on a spluttering Jackson. They could hear Youngjae speaking to their driver, and within the next second, they were pulling away from the venue. Jaebum twisted in his seat, the seat belt scratchy against his neck, but he didn't care. He needed to see Youngjae’s face. Jaebum couldn't even get that, the younger boy already having turned his back to walk away.

Jaebum sat there quietly while the other two kicked up a fuss, wondering what could be more important than Jaebum's birthday. He knew what it was, or really, who it was and really, he had no right to be so upset. Jaebum wasn’t even angry like Jackson and BamBam. It just hurt, like he’d been punched in the gut.

Jaebum took his phone out with the intent to message Youngjae, to demand answers, and maybe beg him to change his mind. Fortunately, he was distracted mid-text by a notification that would make his day.

Sunnie: Happy Birthday Jaebummie <33333 I hope you had a good day! I wish I was there with you :(((((( We have to hang out when you get back so I can treat you :D I love you so much <33333

Sunnie: Hyunjin bullied me into adding that he sends his love too :P <3

Jaebum sent a quick reply back, the sick feeling in his stomach slowly dissipating. Trust Changsun to brighten his day without Jaebum even needing to tell him what was wrong; it was like he had a sixth sense. Jaebum never ended up messaging Youngjae, leaving a half-finished text in his drafts.

***

The meal passed by in a blur, Jaebum barely considering what to order and simply pointing at a dish when the waiter came around. The food came, they ate it and the table was cleared only to be filled with alcohol. It was a constant struggle of trying and failing to not look at the restaurant door. Every time the little bell above the door rang his eyes would eventually flick up only to make eye contact with their manager coming in from a smoke break. Whenever this happened Mark would inevitably catch Jaebum's eye and smile at him, his face foolishly hopeful.

The company had booked the place out so they had the whole restaurant to themselves. The members all sat at one table, a chair left empty. Jaebum kept his eyes on the table. And the door of course. He refused to look over at the staff tables, knowing he wouldn't see Charlie there. A little after food had been exchanged for drinks, Jackson stood up commanding the whole restaurant's attention. He gave a rather embarrassingly sweet speech about Jaebum that had their table caught between cooing and snickering. Jaebum was forced into getting up then. He kept it short, thanking everyone he needed to: staff and the company, leaving his members to last.

No one mentioned the seventh seat at the table that remained vacant all night long.

Jaebum had been the first to leave, slipping out a little bit after the speeches. He had told the others he was only popping out to have a chat with one of their sound technicians. Instead, he had walked back to their hotel, shooting Jinyoung a quick text on his way. The thought of sitting there, watching his friends get drunk while he had to remain sober, hadn't been the most appealing. He couldn’t drink with the meds he was taking so he was going to use it as a reason to excuse himself. If Jaebum was being honest with himself he was sick of the aching feeling he got whenever the bell rang over the door. He needed the walk back. The night air had done him some good, clearing his head a little and giving him a few ideas for the song he had been working on.

That was how Jaebum ended up sitting cross-legged in front of a laptop screen in dirty sweats, all alone in a hotel room on the night of his birthday. He was happy enough to sit there and play around with the bits and pieces of songs he had on his hard drive; it gave Jaebum a chance to try out the headphones the guys had gotten him as a present. He had been eyeing them up for a while but the price tag had always turned him off.

They practically drowned out any and all noise around him so he could focus on the beats undisturbed. They were so good Jaebum almost didn’t hear the pounding on his hotel door. It was probably a drunk Yugyeom, too lazy to take out his keycard or worse, he had lost it. Begrudgingly, Jaebum took his headphones off, stiffly standing up and heading towards the door.

“Ok, ok, I’m coming,” Jaebum called out as Yugyeom continued to bang on the door insistently. Thankfully, the younger boy heard him and actually stopped trying to break through the door. Jaebum pulled open the door, ready to lecture Yugyeom but it wasn’t Yugyeom who was standing outside his hotel room.

“Youngjae?”

Jaebum couldn’t believe it was actually him. The younger boy was really standing in front of him with messy hair and starry eyes. Youngjae’s cheeks were pink like he had been walking in the cold. Jaebum was hit with the sickening urge to bundle Youngjae up in about twenty blankets.

“What are you doing here?” Youngjae asked, pushing past Jaebum like he owned the place. With a tired huff, Youngjae plopped himself on Yugyeom’s bed, looking back at the boy by the door expectantly. Jaebum couldn’t help the laugh he let slip out as he closed the door.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that? This is my hotel room, after all.” Jaebum teased, standing above Youngjae with his arms crossed.

“I’m here to give you a present, smart-ass,” Youngjae responded petulantly, jiggling a black plastic bag up at Jaebum.

“But we said no individual gifts-”

“It’s only something small.” Youngjae cut him off, stretching the bag out for Jaebum to take. Youngjae raised his eyebrows at Jaebum, waiting. With a sigh, Jaebum took the small bag, wondering what on earth it could be since it felt heavier than it looked. He placed himself on his own bed opposite Youngjae, upending the bag’s contents onto the duvet.

Jaebum froze when he saw the ten cartons of pink milk scattered in front of him. He looked over to Youngjae in disbelief. Youngjae was simply smiling at him, the way he used to, the way Jaebum had come to miss. That and the milk and how happy he felt in that moment was all just a little too overwhelming for Jaebum.

“Changsun told me to buy them,” Youngjae explained, eyes never leaving Jaebum. “He said it was a tradition you guys had. Every birthday he’d give you pink milk, cuz it’s your favourite. He didn’t want to miss another birthday.” Youngjae spoke softly like he was afraid Jaebum would break, and maybe he was right.

Jaebum couldn’t look at Youngjae anymore, his vision blurring, so he stared down at the cute packaging of the milk instead, trying to force the tears back. Jaebum was not going to cry over milk, least of all in front of Youngjae and on his birthday at that. Yet he rubbed at his eyes, giving himself away. Youngjae was up and over to him in no time.

Jaebum felt his warmth but he refused to turn to the side, suddenly fascinated with the duvet. After everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours, Jaebum wouldn't have been able to guess what Youngjae would do next. His arms were wrapping around Jaebum's waist, tentative at first but firm as they held Jaebum closer. Youngjae pressed his face into Jaebum’s back, mumbling assurances into Jaebum's hoody. The older boy let out a shuddering breath at the sensation, his tense posture relaxing. If a few tears fell, neither of them mentioned it and they stayed like that probably longer than they should’ve.

“Should I be worried by the fact you and Changsun are texting?” Jaebum eventually managed to joke, reveling in the feeling of Youngjae laughing against him.

“Mmhm, definitely. We’re plotting against you.” Youngjae confidently affirmed, propping his head up on Jaebum’s shoulder. He could see the younger’s profile in his peripheral and felt Youngjae’s breath tickling his ear. Everything felt warm, but it wasn’t unpleasant or as suffocating as it had been earlier. Jaebum felt safe.

“If it’s more of this, then I can’t wait.” Jaebum murmured, fiddling with the strap of Youngjae’s watch. The boy’s arms were still wrapped securely around Jaebum’s waist. Jaebum shouldn’t have spoken his mind. He should have just kept up the carefree jokes. Youngjae cleared his throat, sitting back and detaching himself from Jaebum.

All of the warmth was sucked right out of him. Jaebum felt cold as he picked up a random carton of milk, piercing it with a straw. Youngjae was shuffling on the bed beside him, moving away. Jaebum wished he had stayed quiet and let the moment linger. When he took a sip of the sickeningly sweet drink it tasted sour.

***

“But then that store was closed so I had to walk another twenty minutes to the next one, and then I spent way too much time agonising over which brand to get only to buy them all anyway.” Youngjae laughed at himself, shaking his head.

Jaebum lay on his side, facing Youngjae’s profile as the younger boy stared up at the ceiling in amusement. They had ended up splayed out on Jaebum’s bed, Youngjae telling Jaebum what he’d been up to for the past two hours, the older boy hanging onto his every word. Jaebum was happy that even after that awkward moment earlier Youngjae had stayed. He loved just lying there listening to Youngjae talk about his day.

The petty part of Jaebum found it gratifying to know Youngjae hadn’t been off somewhere with Charlie but instead he had been out buying Jaebum pink milk, searching in a city he didn’t know in the harsh January weather.

“I finally get to the restaurant, but the birthday boy isn’t even at his own party.” Youngjae mused, twisting his neck to pout at him. Jaebum could see the question burning bright in those warm eyes of Youngjae’s.

“I didn’t think you’d show,” Jaebum admitted, his honesty surprising them both. Youngjae’s shock instantly morphed into sadness, the boy shifting so that he was lying on his side too. Jaebum regretted saying anything. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could handle Youngjae looking at him like that. Youngjae’s eyes looked the prettiest when they were sparkling with laughter, not clouded by guilt.

“I’m sorry.” Youngjae breathed out and they both knew he wasn’t just talking about his tardiness anymore. Jaebum smiled like it wasn’t a big deal, brushing it off like he hadn’t been thinking about Youngjae the whole evening or the whole day for that matter.

It wasn’t right to make Youngjae feel bad for him, not after everything that had happened. Jaebum didn’t deserve to have Youngjae lying opposite him, spending time with him when he could be with their friends or his boyfriend. Despite this, Jaebum wasn’t going to tell him to leave, no, Jaebum wasn’t selfless enough to do that.

“You’re here now, that’s all that matters,” Jaebum assured him, scooting a little closer to bump Youngjae’s calf with his foot.

Youngjae didn’t seem to believe him, staring silently at Jaebum with that same conflicted look in his eye. Youngjae’s eyes dragged across Jaebum’s face, searching, searching, searching for what? Jaebum had no clue but it made him feel self-conscious, he had to stop himself from hiding his face in his hands. He didn’t want to be the one to look away but it was starting to feel as warm as the dressing room had earlier.

Whatever Youngjae saw in Jaebum’s face seemed to resolve the conflict, leaving the younger boy with an almost tender look. That was too much for Jaebum, the air feeling too heavy. He cracked, breaking eye contact and rolling onto his back. It hardly helped, Youngjae’s gaze still on him, terrifying Jaebum in ways he didn’t want to think about.

Youngjae was giving Jaebum whiplash. He wished he knew what the other boy was thinking. Why had he pulled away earlier? Why was he staring at Jaebum like this now? When Youngjae finally looked away it felt like a weight had been lifted off of him. Jaebum could see Youngjae moving in his peripheral, getting off the bed and padding across the room.

“Let’s watch a film,” Youngjae suggested, his light voice dragging Jaebum’s gaze away from the ceiling to focus on him. The younger boy was already making his way back to his bed, Jaebum’s laptop in tow.

Jaebum let Youngjae put on some random film that he wasn’t bothered to follow, the laptop balanced on top of their legs. He wouldn’t have been able to concentrate anyway with Youngjae sitting that close to him, commenting every now and then on an actor or an outfit.

The commentary became more spaced out as the film progressed until Jaebum realised the other boy hadn’t spoken for half an hour. He glanced over to find Youngjae asleep, his head hanging at an uncomfortable angle, his chin tucked into his neck. He must’ve been tired after the show and all that extra walking he had done. Jaebum should’ve woken him up and sent Youngjae back to his room. He didn’t. Jaebum moved the laptop over to perch on his lap, opening up the song he had been working on earlier. After all, he had his muse right beside him.

***

Yugyeom stumbled in at about 3 am, loudly greeting Jaebum before shushing himself once he spotted Youngjae asleep. Yugyeom made a show of tip-toeing across the room, a finger over his lips as he giggled at an unamused Jaebum. The older boy closed his laptop, standing up to place it back on the desk.

Jaebum grimaced as his joints cracked, walking past Yugyeom who was struggling to get out of his skinny jeans. Jaebum ignored the younger boy as he toppled face first onto his own bed with a giggle, his jeans stuck mid-calf. Jaebum avoided the flailing limbs of the drunk kid, laying Youngjae down properly. Jaebum tried to be as gentle as possible so he wouldn’t disturb Youngjae, guiding his head down to the pillow. He made sure to take off the younger boy’s shoes and wrap him up in the duvet.

Jaebum looked at Youngjae’s face to see him peaceful, lips slightly parted and his hair falling over his forehead. Jaebum resisted the urge to reach out to him and do something dumb like kiss his forehead. Instead, he turned off the light. In the darkness, he blindly felt his way towards Yugyeom’s bed, the other boy having already cocooned himself in his sheets. Yugyeom grunted in surprise when Jaebum climbed in beside him.

“You not sleeping with Youngjae?” Yugyeom mumbled, face squished into the mattress. Jaebum had considered it but the thought that Youngjae might wake up and regret it kept him from indulging himself. He didn’t want a repeat of the plane incident.

“I didn’t want to wake him.” Jaebum lied, hoping the alcohol in Yugyeom’s system would stop the younger boy from seeing through him. Yugyeom hummed in response and Jaebum hoped for a second that he had fallen asleep.

“I’m s’happy everythin’s back t’normal.” Yugyeom slurred, rolling over and tossing a leg over Jaebum. The guilt was something else. They could never truly get back to ‘normal’, whatever that was supposed to be, but that wasn’t for Yugyeom to worry about.

“Me too, Gyeomie.” Jaebum murmured, hugging the bundled up boy as he started to snore. It took Jaebum far too long to fall asleep, but when he finally did it was with thoughts of a boy sleeping in a bed only a few feet away.

Chapter Text

Youngjae woke up in a hotel room, well-rested but disorientated. The unfamiliar surroundings left him momentarily dazed like always. Even after all these years every hotel room looked the same. It was only when Youngjae rolled over and saw who was sleeping in the bed next to him that he realised he wasn’t in his own room. He could see Yugyeom’s face squished into a pillow, mouth agape and an arm thrown over his body.

Last night came back to him slowly; how he had scoured the city for all that pink milk despite how the cold made his face feel numb. He remembered sitting in this same bed holding a crying Jaebum close until Youngjae’s heart couldn’t take it anymore. He had let go, afraid he would say or do something stupid. Youngjae had considered fleeing then, and maybe he should have. He had given Jaebum the pink milk just like he had promised Changsun and that was enough. There had been no need for Youngjae to stay so why did he? Instead of going back to his room, he had just let himself lay in this bed beside Jaebum. Youngjae should have been with Charlie. They needed to talk things out especially after the airplane and dressing room.

Truthfully, things were strained. Charlie’s face backstage floated into his mind’s eye; it was the first time Youngjae had ever seen him so upset. Charlie had wanted to talk to him after the show but Youngjae had dodged the possible confrontation with the excuse of needing sleep. Lying about where he really was made Youngjae’s skin crawl but keeping away from Jaebum all day equally hadn’t sat right with him. The thought that Charlie might not like Youngjae doing all of this for Jaebum had caused Youngjae to lie and he really didn’t want to think about the implications of choosing to come to Jaebum’s hotel room instead of seeking Charlie out.

Youngjae and Jaebum were just friends and nothing had happened that would count as cheating. They hadn’t even slept in the same bed. But why did Youngjae feel so guilty? Maybe it was because he was disappointed that he hadn’t woken up tangled in Jaebum’s limbs or worse, maybe it was because when he had been laying there opposite Jaebum last night all he could think about was what it would be like to kiss the other. Youngjae rubbed tiredly at his face, trying to get the pointless fantasies out of his head. Changsun was getting to him. It would never happen anyway, he would simply end up hurt again.

Yugyeom snorted in his sleep, reminding Youngjae that he wasn’t alone. With a groan he got up, his joints cracking as he stretched. With exhausted legs he stumbled over to the other bed. Jaebum was indeed sleeping there, face smushed into Yugyeom’s back as he held the younger boy close. Youngjae swallowed down the ugly flash of jealousy that rose up at the sight. Still, he couldn’t help himself as he picked a stray pillow off the ground and proceeded to whack Yugyeom with it. The way Yugyeom jolted awake, tumbling off the bed and out of Jaebum’s arms was far too satisfying. Youngjae did feel a pang of guilt when Yugyeom blearily looked around the room, finally bewilderedly staring up at Youngjae. The commotion woke Jaebum up too, his confused eyes finding Youngjae’s almost instantly, his hair sticking up in several directions. Youngjae resisted the urge to crawl onto the bed and fix the strands back into place like he wanted to. He could see the cogs in Jaebum’s mind slowly working out what had happened as Yugyeom continued to whine pitifully by Youngjae’s feet.

“We’ll have to get going soon,” Youngjae said, tossing the pillow at Jaebum and hitting him square in the face. He ignored the older boy’s shocked grunt, turning his back on Jaebum and grabbing his stuff. Yugyeom swatted at Youngjae’s legs in revenge, complaining that he didn’t deserve such abuse so early in the morning. Youngjae evaded the youngest’s spindly limbs, not even stopping to put on his shoes as he stalked out of the room. He could hear Jaebum’s croaky morning voice calling out to him but he didn’t stop, yelling over his shoulder for them to hurry up.

***

It was later that morning when Youngjae finally mustered up the courage to speak with Charlie. All the staff and members were gathered in the reception laden with luggage and equipment. Charlie was talking with another intern, belatedly noticing Youngjae’s attempts at making eye contact. Once he had the other boy’s attention he headed back around the corner, motioning for Charlie to follow. Thankfully his boyfriend wasn’t so annoyed that he would straight up ignore Youngjae, appearing only a few seconds later. His eyes were guarded, and Youngjae knew he had to be the first one to speak.

“Are we okay?” Youngjae whispered, cringing a little at himself. He sounded like he was straight out of some terrible drama.

“I don’t know Youngjae, are we?” Charlie threw back, seeming more upset than angry. Youngjae almost wished he would be mad, that he would yell at Youngjae for how he’s been acting. After all, someone ought to. It’s what he deserved.

“I want us to be,” Youngjae mumbled, the words sounding lame even to his own ears. “There’s just been this weird… tension between us since yesterday and I don’t know how to fix it.” Youngjae continued honestly, wincing when Charlie sighed loudly at his words. So it wasn’t just in Youngjae’s head. Something was wrong.

“I just didn’t realise how close you and Jaebum were,” Charlie responded curtly, lips pursed as he scanned Youngjae’s face for any reaction. This is exactly what Youngjae had feared. “Until recently I actually thought you two didn’t really get on. So, I guess what I’m saying is that I’m just a little confused.” Charlie frowned, no longer looking at Youngjae while he admitted this.

“Fan service is part of-” Youngjae tried to explain but Charlie wasn’t buying it, shaking his head in disbelief.

“You guys do fan service on a plane with no fans watching?” Charlie cut across him, staring hard at Youngjae. “Backstage as well when it’s just staff and the other members? You’re really dedicated.” Charlie scoffed bitterly, the harsh sarcasm making Youngjae flinch. This was not how he wanted this conversation to go. Why did everything have to be so complicated?

“I tried explaining it to you on the plane. He fell asleep on me. He has trouble sleeping and we needed to rest before the fanmeet, you could’ve sat with us.” Youngjae accused, turning his boyfriend’s pettiness back on him. Charlie seemed to at least acknowledge his own past shitty behaviour, throwing his hands up in surrender, unable to defend himself. There was a moment of tense silence, the couple simply staring at one another.

“And yesterday?” Charlie pushed, unrelenting. For this Youngjae had no real excuse. He himself had no idea what that was back in their dressing room. Changsun’s words rang in his mind, proposing that the feelings Jaebum and Youngjae had for each other were more than platonic. It felt like they were taunting him. Maybe Youngjae was selfish but he didn’t want to let Charlie go, especially not over something like this. There was only one thing he could do.

“What? I can’t be close with my members?” Youngjae demanded, pushing blame back onto Charlie again even though he knew it wasn’t fair. Charlie looked guilty and it made Youngjae feel sick, his stomach in knots.

“No,” Charlie sighed, seeming at a loss for what to say. “I’m not usually the jealous type. Frankly, I think it’s stupid, but I can’t shake the feeling that you guys have a past together or something,” Charlie said, all the anger leaving him until there was merely a cloud of sadness hanging around him.

All he wanted was the truth but Youngjae couldn’t give him that. How could he be honest and tell Charlie how he was feeling when Youngjae himself didn’t have a clue? Youngjae knew he was being greedy, keeping Charlie around like this when he was struggling to sort out all of his feelings. He cared for Charlie and he liked him a lot, he really did, but then there was Jaebum who he loved, who he had always loved and who he probably always would.

“I-I can’t talk about it.” Youngjae stuttered out, panic flaring as Charlie glanced off to the side again. “Not here, not right now, please,” Youngjae begged, grabbing Charlie’s hand in both of his, desperately wanting him to understand. Charlie wouldn’t look at him, face screwed up as he stared at the wall. Youngjae kept tugging on Charlie’s hand in a desperate attempt to get the other boy to make eye contact with him. When Charlie finally did, his eyes were filled with a resigned melancholy.

“Ok.” Charlie exhaled, studying their hands. That one word flooded Youngjae with a sense of ease as Charlie pulled him close, their hands still linked, while Youngjae let himself lean into Charlie. With a sigh of relief, Youngjae pressed his face into the other boy’s shoulder while Charlie’s free arm came up to wrap around Youngjae’s waist.

Youngjae felt Charlie press his lips to the side of his head, ever-gentle and loving. He squeezed his hand in response before pulling back; they would need to leave soon. People were no doubt already wondering where he was. Charlie seemed to understand, letting Youngjae go and nodding for him to head back first.

Youngjae walked back into the buzzing lobby with a frazzled head and a conflicted heart. Charlie was reliable, definitely romantically interested, and ready for a relationship. He was everything Youngjae should want. Jaebum was a wild card, his intentions were unknown, and the probability of him wanting a relationship was not in their favour. He was everything Youngjae should run from. Then why couldn't he? Why couldn't he leave the past where it belonged? Why, when he caught Jaebum's eyes, did his heart treacherously stutter and yearn to go to him? Feeling sick to his stomach at the weighted thoughts swarming his mind, Youngjae returned to the group with a strained smile on his face.

***

Youngjae ended up telling Charlie a condensed version of what had happened between him and Jaebum. He had waited until after a fanmeet one night about a week later. They were in Youngjae's hotel room, alone at last. Youngjae was rooming with Jackson and the older boy was all too happy to give the couple some space, tottering off to annoy the other members with a smirk. Charlie had sat there and listened as Youngjae had explained that Jaebum had not been the most accepting when he had first found out about Youngjae’s preferences. He didn’t mention the fact that he had been crushing on Jaebum for months before that point or that Jaebum indirectly caused his back injury. Instead, Youngjae detailed briefly how had Jaebum treated him, how they had drifted apart as a result and how it had all boiled over into a huge argument one night. Youngjae left Jaebum’s condition and his past out of the story. After all, it wasn’t his story to share with whomever he pleased. Charlie didn’t interject once, letting Youngjae get it all off his chest.

“After that fight something changed in Jaebum and he apologised. For all of it. Every nasty look, every cruel word, everything. He opened his mind, became more accepting and even asked about you.” Youngjae murmured, feeling a small smile forming on his face. Charlie smiled encouragingly back, reaching out to hold Youngjae’s hand. “I didn’t want to forgive him at first.” Youngjae admitted, staring down at Charlie’s hand with chagrin. “I avoided him out of anger, out of fear. I was afraid he’d push me away again. He was my best friend, the person I trusted the most but he was also the one who ended up hurting me in one of the worst ways possible, y’know?” Youngjae mumbled, his heart growing heavy at the memories. Charlie nodded at the rhetorical question, letting Youngjae play with his fingers.

“How did you forgive him?” Charlie asked in a gentle tone, nudging the story along. Youngjae thought about his answer as he stared at Charlie’s long fingers, tracing circles over the other boy’s knuckles.

“I don’t think I ever really had much of a say in the matter.” Youngjae laughed a little to himself, shaking his head. “I missed him too much. I wouldn’t be able to stay away even if I tried.” Youngjae said honestly, peering tentatively up at Charlie. His boyfriend was staring at him measuredly, as if trying to read him. Youngjae couldn’t help but wonder what Charlie saw when he looked at him. “That’s why we’re so close. We’ve been through too much together not to be. I think Jaebum is trying to make up for all the times he hurt me by being so...” Youngjae trailed off, trying to think of the right word to describe how Jaebum had been acting.

“Affectionate?” Charlie supplied, his lips pressed together in a thin line.

“It bothers you.” Youngjae sighed, trepidation filling his chest at the thought of having an argument.

“I think we just see his actions in different lights,” Charlie said carefully, the cryptic nature of his words making Youngjae wonder if he had heard him correctly.

Youngjae was going to press for a better answer, make Charlie explain himself, but suddenly the door was opening. It was Jackson, a hand covering his eyes.

“Sorry, sorry, Jinyoung kicked me out. I’ll keep my eyes closed until you’re both decent.” The older boy grinned, blindly closing the door behind him and feeling his way further into the room.

“Jackson, I swear!” Youngjae groaned, glowering at his roommate. Charlie was observing him, amused as Jackson nearly knocked over a lamp.

“I know, I know. I hate to ruin your fun.” Jackson snickered suggestively, finally finding the bed and coming to sit on it beside them.

“We’re dressed, you idiot.” Youngjae deadpanned, whacking Jackson’s arm. The older boy’s response was immediate and violent, howling as he threw himself back onto the mattress. Charlie was giggling cutely beside Youngjae and it warmed his heart, their tense conversation forgotten for the minute.

“I better head.” Charlie hummed into Youngjae’s ear, standing up to head for the door. Jackson was still screeching on the bed but quietened when he noticed Charlie leaving.

“You’re welcome to come over anytime,” Jackson called over enthusiastically, winking up at Charlie as Youngjae tried to lead him quickly to the door. Charlie didn’t deserve to be subject to any more of Jackson’s antics. Youngjae glared over at Jackson for good measure but Charlie didn’t seem to mind, laughing as he waved goodbye.

They both lingered once Charlie was outside in the hall, unsure what to say or do. Charlie still had the light of laughter shining in his eyes but Youngjae could see how his features became serious as he stood there, leaning against the doorframe, gazing thoughtfully at Youngjae.

“Thank you for telling me everything.” Charlie finally murmured, smiling sincerely at Youngjae across the threshold. Youngjae kept a hand on the door handle, half-hiding behind the door as he held it open.

“Thanks for listening,” Youngjae muttered shyly, feeling better even if he hadn’t divulged everything. Charlie pushed himself off the frame, pulling Youngjae closer until they were chest to chest. Charlie leaned in, pressing a chaste kiss to Youngjae’s forehead, mumbling a quiet goodbye against his skin. Youngjae could hear Jackson cooing in the background, causing Youngjae’s ears to burn as he waved goodbye in response.

***

Days later in another city Youngjae and Jinyoung were assigned roommates. They had arrived a day before the fanmeet meaning they actually had some time to rest from traveling and maybe even explore the area. Jinyoung was musing what he and Mark might do that evening and Youngjae couldn’t help but find the way his eyes lit up when he spoke about it endearing. He simply listened as they both dragged themselves down the hall, suitcases trailing along the carpet.

Seeing Jinyoung so starry-eyed and giddy over the thought of a date made Youngjae think about contacting Charlie. Maybe he could text him and see if he wanted to get food or go out for drinks. That was what couples did, right? Then why did he feel drained when he thought more about it, imagining himself out with Charlie. Maybe it was because he felt ready to collapse and fall asleep right there on the hotel’s stained carpet.

Still, he should make the effort. Maybe if they saw each other more he would feel that spark that he was always chasing. Before Youngjae could think himself out of it he fished his phone out of his pocket and sent Charlie a quick text. Jinyoung was still talking about some romantic fountain he had read about online and how he wanted to take photos of Mark there. Youngjae grunted in response as he unlocked their hotel door, shoving it open and wandering towards the closest bed. Youngjae tossed his case on the bed, starting to unpack while Jinyoung locked the door behind him.

“Youngjae, could I ask you a favour?” Jinyoung murmured shyly, almost embarrassed as he came to stand beside Youngjae. The younger boy eyed the way Jinyoung had made no move to unpack or take off his jacket.

“Depends what it is.” Youngjae teased, pretending to consider when he would probably agree to most of Jinyoung’s requests. He was amused to see how Jinyoung began to nervously play with his key card.

“I was wondering if it’d be ok if we switched up the roommate situation so Mark and I can spend more time together,” Jinyoung mumbled, his cheeks dusted pink as he peered over at Youngjae hopefully. The younger boy couldn’t help but laugh at how bashful Jinyoung was acting, causing him to become even redder in the face.

“Yeah, of course. I don’t mind.” Youngjae shrugged, earning a side-hug from a very grateful Jinyoung. The older boy’s apprehension was entirely gone now as he practically bounced up and down beside him. “Who’s Mark rooming with?” Youngjae asked, turning back to his overflowing suitcase.

“Oh, Jaebum.” Jinyoung answered offhandedly. Youngjae tried his best not to react but Jinyoung clearly sensed his wariness after a long beat of silence passed between them. “But that’s not a problem, right? I mean you guys are ok again and I know he’ll be happy to room with you and-”

“It really is fine, Jinyoung.” Youngjae cut him off with a smile and a reassuring pat on the shoulder. Jinyoung still seemed to feel a little guilty as he stood by him, looking conflicted.

“Thanks, Youngjae.” Jinyoung finally said, hugging Youngjae again but much tighter this time. Youngjae brushed him off, assuring him that it was no big deal because it really shouldn’t be. Still, Youngjae felt apprehensive about the new arrangements. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had shared a hotel room with Jaebum, just the two of them. It made Youngjae think back to Jaebum’s birthday when they had spent the whole evening together just lazing around. There had been awkward moments, sure, but overall Youngjae remembered it with fondness. He felt almost a nervous kind of excitement at the thought of having the chance to spend time with him again.

Jinyoung left while Youngjae was still hanging up his few shirts, needlessly thanking him again. Youngjae busied himself by tidying away the rest of his things as he waited for Jaebum to show up. It was pretty pointless considering the fact they would be gone in two days off to another hotel but Youngjae couldn’t sit still. He was rooting through the mini-bar when he heard the door click open, causing Youngjae to bang his head against the inside of the small fridge. Youngjae startled backwards, falling on his backside as he rubbed the sore spot on his head. He heard chuckles coming from his right side and turned to see Jaebum standing there in the doorway, his head thrown back.

“Are- are you o-ok?” Jaebum gasped out around his bouts of laughter. Youngjae did his best to try scowl up at him but Jaebum’s contagious giggles combined with the ridiculous situation made it too hard for Youngjae to remain stoic. He let his own mirth overtake him, flailing backward so he was lying on the ground, cackling up at the ceiling. Youngjae had his eyes closed but he vaguely registered the sound of Jaebum closing the door after himself and tossing his bag on the bed.

Youngjae knew he should get up off the ground, god knows what had been there before, but then he would have to face Jaebum. As the floor was becoming ever more appealing to him, there was a sudden shuffling by Youngjae’s head and a sudden warmth by his side. He knew what he would see when he opened his eyes. Jaebum was lying there beside him on the uncomfortable floor, staring up at the same plain white ceiling. Jaebum craned his neck towards Youngjae and caught him staring, a wide grin blooming on his face.

“What are you looking at?” Jaebum questioned and really it was starting to strain Youngjae’s neck to stay facing Jaebum like this but he didn’t move; he couldn’t.

“An idiot lying on a dirty, hard floor even though he has back problems.” Youngjae quipped, getting satisfaction from the way Jaebum’s eyes lit up in amusement.

“What a coincidence, so am I.” Jaebum teased back, making Youngjae roll his eyes. He had a point though; lying like this was probably not a good idea for either of them. Youngjae shifted a little, about to get up when Jaebum suddenly spoke again. “This reminds me of the old days.” Jaebum murmured, eyes soft as he sighed up at the ceiling.

Youngjae continued to stare at his side profile, not wanting to ruin the moment, to break this strange bit of calm they were sharing. He could feel Jaebum’s hand lying still beside his, the back of Jaebum’s palm brushing against his. Youngjae would barely have to twist his hand and they’d be holding hands. Would that be appropriate? Is that something friends could do and have it not be weird? Before he could make a judgment on that, Jaebum had made the decision for them and intertwined their fingers. Youngjae didn’t pull away.

“I miss those days.” Jaebum admitted, lifting up their connected hands to examine. Youngjae wanted to agree with Jaebum but the words felt like they were stuck in his throat. The older boy didn’t seem to mind as he continued to gaze thoughtfully at their hands. Youngjae watched as Jaebum ran a shaky thumb over Youngjae’s knuckles, leaving Youngjae’s hand tingling. “Let’s go out tonight, just you and me.” Jaebum suddenly proposed, catching Youngjae completely off guard.

Youngjae tore his eyes from the hands to meet Jaebum’s eyes. He knew Jaebum too well; he could see how his confidence was simply a facade. While Jaebum was smiling at him in a casual, easy-going manner, his eyes were practically pleading with Youngjae to say yes. Youngjae could feel the word on the tip of his tongue, but before he could react there was a knock on the door. It pulled him back, placing Youngjae back into the real world as he jolted up into a sitting position. Youngjae ignored how wrong it felt to let go of Jaebum’s hand, cracking the joints in his fingers as he made his way to answer the door.

Youngjae felt sick as he opened the door to reveal his boyfriend standing right there, appearing ready to go out for the night. The date! He had completely forgotten. Charlie raised an eyebrow as he surveyed Youngjae’s outfit of sweats and socks that clearly signaled he wasn’t ready.

“Charlie! Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Just give me a few minutes and I’ll be ready, I swear! Come on in,” Youngjae rushed out, quickly ushering an amused Charlie inside.

“Hey, it’s chill, we have time,” Charlie assured him, leaning in to peck Youngjae on the lips lightly before pulling back with a grin. “Besides, you’re cute when you’re flustered,” Charlie smirked, earning him a playful slap on the chest. Youngjae ignored the vicious voice in the back of his mind that asked if he had felt anything this time. After all him and that damned voice both knew he hadn’t.

Jaebum clearing his throat on the other side of the room snapped Youngjae out of his thoughts. The older boy was now sitting on one of the beds, frowning at his phone as if he hadn’t even noticed Charlie come in.

“Oh, hey Jaebum.” Charlie cheerfully called over, receiving a grunt from Jaebum in return. “I thought you were rooming with Jinyoung?” Charlie turned to Youngjae, voice dipping in volume as if Jaebum wouldn’t be able to hear.

“He wanted to swap.” Jaebum drawled, responding before Youngjae could get a chance to explain. “Is that a problem?” Jaebum asked, cocking his head to the side. Youngjae could tell Charlie wasn’t comfortable with it from his stance but he shook his head in response with an easy smile on his face.

“Are we still heading out?” Charlie murmured, unsure of himself with Jaebum sitting there, listening and watching. Jaebum seemed to be waiting just as intently to hear if Youngjae would say yes, eyeing him. It made Youngjae hesitate for a moment.

“Yeah, yeah, of course. Just let me get changed.” Youngjae answered, earning him a bright smile from Charlie. From the corner of his eye Youngjae saw Jaebum standing up and heading towards the door. Youngjae tried calling out to Jaebum but he simply pushed past them to open the door as if he didn’t hear him. He had his head down, his gaze refusing to meet Youngjae’s which was always a clear sign he was upset.

“I’m heading out,” Jaebum said over his shoulder, pulling the door closed behind him without a second glance back. Youngjae looked between Charlie and the closed door, feeling torn. He knew he should stay, get ready for his date, but if Jaebum was upset he wanted to help, to be there for him. Why was he always being pulled in two different directions?

“Go after him,” Charlie said suddenly, motioning towards the door. There was a resigned look in his eyes as he sat on the bed. “I’ll be here when you get back.” He continued, smiling reassuringly up at Youngjae. “Go on, hurry.”

Youngjae barely had time to thank him as he hurried out the door, spotting Jaebum waiting by the lift.  

“Hey!” Youngjae shouted, catching Jaebum’s attention for a moment before the boy turned away once he realised who was calling him. Youngjae ran over, watching as Jaebum started pressing the lift repeatedly as if that would call it quicker. Youngjae grabbed Jaebum’s arm when he was close enough to stop him. The older boy tore his hand away, resolutely glaring at the metal doors in front of him. “You just up and left, what’s wrong?” Youngjae asked, but Jaebum was refusing to even glance sideways at him when he responded.

“Nothing. I just wanted to go out,” Jaebum muttered, eyeing the floor numbers as they slowly lit up above them.

“I know something is going on. You wouldn’t just storm out like that.” Youngjae tried to reason but Jaebum remained silent, ducking his head down. The lights were against Youngjae as the numbers started to get higher. “You can talk to me about anything, you know that.” Youngjae pressed, getting a scoff in return from Jaebum.

“You’re the last person I could talk about this with,” Jaebum mumbled, perking up as the lift opened with a ding. Youngjae would have been hurt by his words had Jaebum not said them with so much anguish. Youngjae let him get into the lift at a loss of what to do. They stood opposite each other, Jaebum smiling bleakly at Youngjae. “Don’t worry about me. Have fun.” Jaebum playfully ordered, his eyes glassy as he waved at Youngjae.

The doors slid closed before Youngjae could react, leaving him to stare at the reflective doors. Youngjae could see himself standing there, yet why did it feel like Jaebum had taken a part of Youngjae with him?

***

Youngjae had to convince himself not to call another lift or head towards the stairs to follow after Jaebum. If he didn’t want to talk to him there was nothing he could do. So Youngjae had slowly trudged back, feeling more muddled up than ever before. The last thing he wanted to do was go on a date but he had messaged Charlie first and didn’t want to let him down. Youngjae was surprised to find Charlie still waiting for him when he got back.

“Sorry about that. I’ll get changed now.” Youngjae sighed, heading towards the wardrobe where he’d put his things.

“Come sit down for a sec,” Charlie suggested, stopping Youngjae in his tracks. Charlie was smiling up at him from the bed where he had left him, patting the free space beside him on the mattress. Youngjae walked over and sat down, worried as to where this was going. “I really like you Youngjae.” Charlie exhaled, twisting on the bed sheets to face Youngjae head on. Youngjae suddenly felt like he was in some T.V drama.

“But?” Youngjae prompted him, knowing full well that Charlie wouldn’t sit him down just to tell Youngjae that he liked him.

“ But I don’t think that feeling has been mutual for a while now.” Charlie grimaced, regarding Youngjae carefully to see if he would refute what Charlie was saying. Youngjae didn’t know what to say so Charlie continued. “It feels like you’re hung up on someone else and I don’t think I can compete with him.” Charlie murmured softly, his eyes defeated as if he had already lost.

There was a pause where Youngjae knew he was supposed to say something, reassure his boyfriend that he did like him just as much but he couldn’t. Youngjae couldn’t keep lying to Charlie like this. He deserved better, he deserved someone who could return his feelings fully.

“I’m right, aren’t I?” Charlie sighed out, nodding with a bittersweet smile on his face. It broke Youngjae’s heart to see him hurting like this, knowing he was the cause of all of this. He really did care about Charlie but clearly it just wasn’t enough.

“I’m so sorry, Charlie,” Youngjae whispered, unable to look at Charlie anymore. There was nothing else to say. All he had was his weak apology.

“Don’t be. We can’t control how we feel.” Charlie replied, rubbing Youngjae’s back gently. Youngjae almost started laughing at the ridiculousness of Charlie comforting him when Youngjae was the one ruining their chance at a relationship. Charlie really was too good for this world. “You’ve only ever been kind to me, Youngjae. You made these first few months in Seoul a little less lonely so don’t be sorry. I’m so glad I met you.” Charlie assured him, the sincerity in his voice made it clear he wasn’t simply saying that for Youngjae’s benefit. His sweets words and how nice he was being made tears prick in Youngjae’s eyes but he held them back. It wouldn’t be fair to Charlie if Youngjae started blubbering.

“Can we still be friends?” Youngjae asked, feeling selfish but hopeful. Over the past few months he had come to enjoy Charlie’s company which he now realised might be just as a friend and he couldn’t really imagine never speaking to the other again.

“Well, we’ll probably see each other at work and I’m still lacking in the friend department so... yes please. If it’s alright with you.” Charlie joked, bumping his shoulder against Youngjae’s when he continued to stare at the ground.

Youngjae nodded enthusiastically, smiling gratefully back at Charlie, glad that he hadn’t lost his friend because of this. They both sat there in silence, unsure where to go from here. Charlie hesitated for a moment before he cleared his throat.

“I better go,” He announced, brushing his hands on his jeans before standing up. Youngjae mimicked him, saying he would walk Charlie to the door.

They hugged at the threshold, Charlie squeezing Youngjae extra tight before he pulled back. Youngjae could see that he wanted to say something else but was holding his tongue. Youngjae raised an eyebrow at him, signaling for Charlie to just spit it out.

“I’m just curious. The guy you’re hung up on… it’s Jaebum, isn’t it?” Charlie questioned, biting his lip in uncertainty like he was afraid to offend Youngjae.

“Am I really that obvious?” Youngjae laughed, shaking his head in disbelief. A part of him wondered how long Charlie had known, how long had he made his boyfriend suffer unknowingly. “Falling for a straight guy, I know, I’m such a cliché.” Youngjae scoffed, rolling his eyes at himself in an attempt to play off how upset he was.

Being single and available was half the battle, it would all be for nothing if Jaebum didn’t feel the same. He could just be going back to square one. Charlie was eyeing him thoughtfully like he knew something Youngjae didn’t.

“It’s none of my business either way but I wouldn’t give up hope if I were you,” Charlie said, the confidence in his voice surprising Youngjae. He watched as Charlie walked away, waving goodbye one last time before he rounded the corner.

It was surreal, the whole breakup, if it could even be called that. It wasn’t like all the ones Youngjae had seen in dramas where there was yelling and tears and heartbreak. It almost felt anti-climactic. They had simply gone their separate ways. Miraculously, Charlie even wanted to be his friend after it all. Youngjae couldn’t believe his luck.

He was still in shock as he closed the door and made his way over to his bed, his evening free to do whatever he pleased. His gaze moved to the ground where he and Jaebum had lain. Youngjae thought back to Jaebum’s offer and how he had nearly said yes. His hands itched to text the older boy, to ask him where he had gone so Youngjae could join him. Then Youngjae remembered his words outside the lift.

Jaebum didn’t want to talk to him, he wanted to be left alone and Youngjae was always too willing to give Jaebum anything he wanted. So Youngjae changed into his pyjamas and stayed in his hotel room all night while the rest of the group spent the night out exploring the city. Youngjae felt odd, sitting there watching funny videos on his phone after a breakup instead of listening to sad music or watching cheesy rom-coms and crying.

It was only when it started to get late did Youngjae reconsider his decision to leave Jaebum alone. He would surely come back to their room rather than sleep somewhere else, right? Where else would he go? Youngjae recalled all the times Jaebum had come back late in the past, stumbling in at 3am reeking of sickly-sweet perfume. Youngjae would always pretend he hadn’t stayed up waiting, feigning sleep as the older boy wrapped himself around Youngjae.

The smell of alcohol and women mixed together would have Youngjae’s stomach churning but he had never pushed Jaebum away. He had always missed the other boy’s warmth too much. Jaebum hadn’t done that for months, his medication making it so he couldn’t drink anyway. Youngjae tried to banish his wayward thoughts; it’s not like he had any claim over Jaebum. He couldn’t control what the other boy did no matter how much it hurt. In the end, Youngjae settled for sending a quick text to Jaebum.

23:03

Me: hey (^_^)/  its getting late just checking to see if ur ok and have ur key ^.^

23:37

Jaebummie <3: I’m fine. Don’t wait up. I’m staying with Bammie and Jackson tonight.

Youngjae read over the text several times, convinced he was reading it wrong. Jaebum had been the one going on about the old days and how much he missed them. Now he was going out of his way to avoid sharing a room. Had Youngjae missed something? Was Jaebum upset with him specifically? He thought earlier that it was just something Jaebum didn’t feel comfortable talking about with him, not that he was the problem.

23:42

Me: have i done something wrong...???

23:43

Jaebummie <3: No it’s my own shit I have to fix.

Jaebummie <3: You should sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow ok?

23:45

Me: i can’t

Me: charlie and i broke up

There, he had dropped his bombshell. Youngjae watched as the tick signaling it had been read popped up. He waited with bated breath to see if Jaebum would respond. When five minutes had passed and still no bubbles appeared to warn him that Jaebum was typing Youngjae tossed away his phone. He curled up in bed, feeling truly sorry for himself.

Youngjae started to doubt his choice. Picking Jaebum was always going to be a risk, but even if he didn’t reciprocate his feelings Youngjae thought he would still get to see him. Apparently Jaebum couldn’t even bring himself to sleep in the same room as Youngjae anymore for some reason. Now Youngjae was left to brood by himself.

What did Jaebum even mean when he said he had “shit” to fix? Why wouldn’t he let Youngjae help him? He doubted BamBam and Jackson would be of much help. Youngjae just wanted to see Jaebum, maybe hold his hand as he had earlier, this time completely guilt free. Youngjae thought about what might’ve been if he had agreed to go out with Jaebum. He was lying there, daydreaming about what could never be when the sound of the door opening wrenched Youngjae from his thoughts. He sat up, immediately on high-alert, thinking it might be an intruder. Youngjae relaxed once he saw Jaebum rushing in, hands full and face anxious. Youngjae sagged back against the headboard, his heart still beating fast from the momentary shock.

“What are you doing here?” Youngjae demanded, his relief slowly being replaced by annoyance. Jaebum was unfazed by Youngjae’s angry tone, coming to sit on the bed beside him, worry still evident on his features.

“I got your text. I’m so sorry, Jae.” Jaebum murmured gently, placing a hand on Youngjae’s shoulder and squeezing firmly. Jaebum seemed genuinely upset for him, his eyes scanning Youngjae’s face in concern. Suddenly Youngjae was finding it hard to keep up with all of Jaebum’s changes in mood.

“I thought you were staying with Jackson and BamBam?” Youngjae scoffed, ducking his head as he shrugged Jaebum’s hand off of him.

“I was being an idiot, I’m sorry.” Jaebum apologised, wringing his hands together nervously on his lap. Youngjae hummed in agreement, eyeing the plastic bag underneath Jaebum’s hands which he had brought in with him.

“What’s that?” Youngjae questioned, poking the black shiny material with his index finger.

“Junk food; for you.”

“You know I’m not a teenage girl, right?” Youngjae snickered, crossing his arms stubbornly over his chest.

“I can keep them if you don’t want them,” Jaebum suggested, moving the bag off his lap. Youngjae stopped him, grabbing hold of his wrist.

“I didn’t say that.” Youngjae huffed, pouting as he pulled Jaebum’s arm back gently so the bag rested between them. Youngjae rolled his eyes at how Jaebum was smiling at him, bemused. “What’s in here anyway?” Youngjae asked as he sifted through the contents. It was full of sweet potato chips, marshmallows, chocolate, and cute goldfish biscuits. “I love these.” Youngjae exhaled, dumbfounded as he stared up at Jaebum who was already gazing at him fondly. Maybe Youngjae hadn’t made the wrong choice.

“I know.” Jaebum grinned, looking on as Youngjae started ripping open packets and munching on the snacks. He offered Jaebum some a few times but he refused, saying they were just for Youngjae. He was halfway through a bag of marshmallows when Jaebum decided to bring up the elephant in the room. “So... do you wanna talk about it?”

“Nope,” Youngjae responded, popping another squishy marshmallow in his mouth. The last thing he wanted to do was talk about his break-up with the reason behind said break-up. Jaebum seemed to disapprove of his avoidance tactics, frowning at him worriedly. “I’m fine, we just realised we’re better as friends.” Youngjae shrugged, fishing through the bag to find the potato chips. He made a little triumphant sound when he found them, bringing a smile back to Jaebum’s face.

“So you don’t need me to beat him up?” Jaebum checked, opening one of the chocolates for himself. Youngjae had suspected the older boy had bought them in the hopes that he would get to eat them. Jaebum had always had a weird love for chocolate and all things sweet while Youngjae had always preferred the savoury stuff.

“I can handle myself.” Youngjae declared, punching the air between him and Jaebum, landing a light punch on the older boy’s chest. Jaebum keeled over, clutching his chest dramatically as if he had been shot. He lay on his side across Youngjae’s legs, fake-wheezing like he was winded and completely over-doing it. Youngjae laughed so hard he snorted, face burning as Jaebum started cracking up himself. Jaebum ambled his way over Youngjae’s legs to sit up beside him in the bed, both of them still coming down from the high of their giggling fit.

It felt sweet and mushy and affectionate without any of the tension that normally surrounded them. Youngjae felt light and airy like he could float away, Jaebum’s warm presence beside him keeping him grounded.

“Tell me about your evening.” Youngjae yawned, his full stomach making him drowsy. He settled himself under the covers, his head resting on the pillow so he could admire Jaebum above him. The older boy remained sitting on top of the duvet, eating his chocolate as he told Youngjae where he and the others had gone for food. Youngjae listened as Jaebum’s soothing voice became quieter, completely fading out in the middle of describing his main course.

***

To say Youngjae is disappointed to wake up alone again is an understatement. He rolled over expecting to feel Jaebum but all his hands could grab were cold sheets. All the snacks had been tidied away so at least there weren’t any crumbs on the bed sheets. Youngjae sat up groggily searching for Jaebum thinking he may have just gotten up early. He couldn’t see the older boy anywhere but the other bed seemed like they had been slept in with the sheets thrown to the side confirming Youngjae’s suspicions. He had hoped that Jaebum would have fallen asleep beside him and held him after everything that had happened yesterday. So much for missing the old days.

“Morning sleepy head.” Jaebum brightly called, coming out of their shared bathroom looking fresh and awake. Youngjae grunted as he forced himself out of bed with Jaebum cooing in response, probably assuming Youngjae was just being his usual grouchy morning self. Youngjae could’ve sworn he had gone back in time, Jaebum as oblivious as ever about Youngjae’s feelings while the mere sight of Jaebum continued to drive Youngjae crazy.

News of Youngjae’s break-up spread fast like gossip always did among the group. Youngjae had no sooner told Mark that Jinyoung knew which if he was being honest with himself he had expected but still. The icing on the cake had been a determined Jackson approaching him mid-sound check like a man on a mission.

“I heard about Charlie. Don’t worry, we got your back,” Jackson assured him, throwing an arm over Youngjae’s shoulder as he whispered conspiratorially in his ear. “We’ll have post-break-up beers in my room tonight, all seven of us. I’m buying.”

Youngjae had tried to get out of it, saying they didn’t need to make a big deal out of it. He’d really rather everyone forget he’d ever been dating someone in the first place. Jackson was insistent, claiming it was tradition back home with him and his friends. When Jackson got an idea in his head, he was hard to shake. It was always easier to just go along with it. Jackson had run off excited to tell the others, ordering that everyone bring drinks and snacks.

Hours after the fanmeet they were all sitting in Jackson and BamBam’s hotel room surrounded by empty bottles and ramen packets. Youngjae had taken it easy but he could still feel that familiar pleasant buzz of warm alcohol coursing through him. The others had been a bit more liberal, resulting in Yugyeom hiccuping for the past few minutes from his spot on the floor. They were all dotted around the room.

Mark and Jinyoung had claimed one of the beds, sitting on the edge overlooking the mess on the floor. Youngjae had positioned himself on the opposite bed with BamBam keeping him company while Jackson and Jaebum sat on the floor with Yugyeom. As the alcohol flowed and the evening proceeded Youngjae noticed Jinyoung was particularly losing his inhibitions. Youngjae was worried since he and Jaebum were still the only two who knew that Mark and Jinyoung were dating. As a result they had both been more careful with their actions.

The seven of them were all quite physically affectionate with each other; it was inevitable after years of living together. None of them would question hugging and even the occasional hand-holding between two members but how Jinyoung was acting was considerably questionable. He had gone from sitting beside Mark to draping himself over the older boy, tucking his face into Mark’s neck and whispering into his ear. Mark was flushing under all the attention but refused to push Jinyoung off of him like the lovestruck fool he was.

“Uh, what are you doing?” Yugyeom suddenly questioned, pointing at Jinyoung and how he was currently placing kisses up the side of Mark’s neck. Jinyoung ignored him, trying to twist Mark’s head to face him. The older boy had clearly heard Yugyeom and was panicking as he attempted to extract himself from Jinyoung. Jaebum had caught Youngjae’s eyes, just as alarmed as him. Mark managed to pull away causing Jinyoung to glare down at Yugyeom.

“I was having fun, you daddy-long-legged looking-” Jinyoung started, leaning forward on the bed as if he made to crawl down and attack Yugyeom. His own particularly loud hiccup interrupted him, giving Mark enough time to pull him back by the waist. Mark kept a hand there as he tried to tell Jinyoung to shut up as nicely as possible.

“But I just want to kiss you.” Jinyoung exaggeratedly tried to whisper, his voice carrying in the quiet room. Jinyoung started whining and pouting, completely oblivious to the chaos he was causing. Mark was frozen in place, his face paling as Jinyoung tugged on his arm, dazed.

“You what!?” Jackson demanded, frowning at Mark and Jinyoung like they were a particularly difficult maths equation.  Youngjae could practically see the moment it clicked, Jackson’s face breaking into a joyous grin as he excitedly jolted forward. The way he gaped at Mark and Jinyoung, it was as if he was truly seeing them for the first time.

“Oh my fucking god, oh my god, oh!” Jackson squealed, clapping his hands together like a seal. He scrambled forward onto the bed, pulling Mark and Jinyoung into a hug, gushing about how happy he was for them.

Youngjae chanced a glance at BamBam who was sat gaping at his two bandmates, speechless. Yugyeom seemed to be frozen like Mark from the sheer shock of it all. Jinyoung seemed to catch on then as he fell limp in Jackson's arms while the latter rambled on about how he had been wondering when they would finally get together. BamBam was the first one to notice that neither Jaebum nor Youngjae were acting as surprised as the rest.

“You two knew?” He guessed, looking slightly betrayed.

“Only since Christmas break. They kept it from us two at first,” Jaebum replied, gaze shifting between Yugyeom and BamBam. It wasn’t a matter of excluding the others and they all knew that deep down. “They said they weren’t ready to tell everyone yet,” Jaebum explained, warily eyeing Jinyoung whose face was slowly crumbling at the realisation of what he had done. Jinyoung had a hand over his mouth as if that would somehow take back his words.

“And you’re ok with this?” Yugyeom questioned Jaebum, perplexed by the lax attitude the leader was showing. They all knew dating scandals were no joke and one of this nature could be fatal for the group.

“I trust that they’ll be careful.” Jaebum sighed, the weight of being the leader heavy on his shoulders as he tried to keep the peace between them all.

“Really?” Yugyeom scoffed dubiously, clearly worried about what this would all mean for the group. Youngjae didn’t blame him; he had a point after all. This was dangerous and there was no avoiding that fact no matter how happy Youngjae was for his two friends. Even if they could keep it under wraps, it would change the whole dynamic of the group having everyone know.

“We kept it from you for nearly three months and you live with us.” Mark suddenly spoke up, his voice cold as he wrapped a protective arm around a regretful Jinyoung. The younger boy took his chance and hid his face in Mark’s shoulder. Mark petted Jinyoung’s hair, his hard-exterior melting a little as Jinyoung leaned into him.

“But all it took was a few drinks and Jinyoung was spilling your secret. What if we’d been at an end of year party?” BamBam interjected, the harsh truth making Jinyoung cringe further into Mark.

Jackson seemed to slowly realise that not everyone was as excited about the news as him. He scanned the room, frowning at everyone’s serious expressions. Mark looked ready to fight the youngest boys, Jinyoung leaning on him being the only thing keeping him in place.

“I’ll be more careful, I promise,” Jinyoung whispered, a mixture of his emotions and the alcohol slurring his words together. Youngjae’s heart went out to him. This was clearly not how he had wanted to introduce the concept of them dating to the group.

“It’s ok.” Mark murmured into Jinyoung’s hair, his voice hushed as Yugyeom gawked on in amazement.

Youngjae could see how his narrowed eyes softened at the sight. BamBam looked torn, the fear of their exposure no doubt still plaguing his mind. Jackson, meanwhile, was positively enraptured by the sight, sitting beside the couple with hearts in his eyes. Youngjae was used to seeing this side of their friends by now but it must be odd for the others.

It was hard to deny how sweet Mark and Jinyoung were together. At times like this, Youngjae oftentimes found himself longing for what Mark and Jinyoung had; the way they leaned into each other like it was a natural instinct they couldn’t control. Youngjae wondered if anyone would ever look at him with that kind of love so blatantly written across their face, or if that’s how he looked when he saw Jaebum.

Youngjae’s eyes sought Jaebum out at the thought but he was spooked to find the other boy already gazing at him. Jaebum didn’t even flinch, maintaining steady eye contact as a slow smile worked its way across his features.

“This is a lot to take in.” BamBam’s tense voice snapped Youngjae out of his haze. Youngjae eyed him nervously as BamBam downed the dregs of his beer and reached immediately for another.

“I know,” Jaebum sighed, choosing now to step in. “But I have spoken to them both extensively and I believe that they’re serious about this and each other. I wouldn't allow it if I thought it’d jeopardize the group.” Jaebum explained, speaking mostly to the two youngest boys who still seemed to be battling with conflicting emotions. “Yes, this happened, but you were all going to find out eventually. I think ‘Nyoungie just wanted to get it off his chest if I’m being honest.” Jaebum murmured, contemplative, regarding his friend with pitiful eyes.

Jinyoung still wasn’t looking at any of them as if he could bury himself in Mark’s chest. Youngjae could see Jaebum’s words taking effect. As they listened their walls seemed to come down a bit. Yugyeom, in particular, was gazing at the visibly upset Jinyoung with an almost guilty look.

“They are cute together,” BamBam admitted, earning him a grateful smile from Mark. Jinyoung perked up at his words, blushing slightly under the compliment as he peeked out from Mark’s shoulder. Jackson yelled in agreement, giving the couple beside him a fright. Everyone’s eyes were on Yugyeom who was staring at them with pursed lips.

“I guess it’d be unfair to tear Jinyoung away from the one person who can handle his high-maintenance ass.” Yugyeom jokingly mused, screeching when Jinyoung stood up, afraid the older boy was going to attack. Jinyoung drunkenly stumbled into Yugyeom’s arms, swaddling him and blubbering about how he was such a good kid. Yugyeom’s exhale of relief as he gingerly patted Jinyoung’s back had Mark laughing affectionately. Jackson was the first to join them, wrapping his arms around both of his friends. Mark soon followed suit with BamBam and Jaebum piling on a few seconds later.

“Come on, Jae,” Jaebum called over, extending a hand out to Youngjae with sparkling eyes. They all started chanting his name like the annoyingly loud people they were, screaming in victory once Youngjae stood up from the bed. Jaebum pulled him into the mess of limbs, his hand a familiar weight on Youngjae’s back. It felt like coming home after a long trip. They stayed like that for a moment until Yugyeom started complaining that he needed to pee, effectively ruining the moment and forcing their little circle to break up.

They trailed back to the beds, taking up their previous places. Jinyoung gladly latched himself back onto Mark, beaming from ear to ear while the older boy tried and failed to look at him disapprovingly. Mark’s stern expression kept cracking under Jinyoung’s giggles and excitement. That boy was too fond for his own good. Youngjae couldn’t really judge; he had it just as bad after all.

There was a lull in the conversation whilst they all topped up their drinks. BamBam was still staring at his two friends in astonishment, not even trying to be discreet. Jinyoung didn’t seem to notice and, if he did, he didn’t seem to care, going back to his previous gooey self. Mark, however, was particularly uncomfortable with all the attention, unable to meet the members’ curious eyes. Jaebum must’ve noticed too and felt for Mark as he decided to shift everyone’s focus away much to Youngjae’s dismay.

“Ah, I thought this was supposed to be a night for mourning Youngjae’s relationship, not exposing Mark and Jinyoung.” Jaebum teased, swigging from his sad glass of water. Youngjae groaned, pretending to be offended as the other boys’ interest was piqued.

“Tell us what happened!” Jackson crowed, tearing his gaze away from the happy couple to hound Youngjae. Mark mouthed a sweet “thank you” at Jaebum, who waved him off, smiling apologetically at Youngjae instead.

“Yeah! Who broke up with who?” BamBam added, twisting to focus on Youngjae. He felt like asking them how old they were. They were acting like kids away at camp, gossiping about their summer flings.

“It was mutual. We like each other better as friends is all,” Youngjae explained, trying to play the whole thing down. Mark had an eyebrow raised at him in bemused disbelief, challenging him. He had told Mark the truth earlier, that Charlie had become tired of competing against Jaebum for Youngjae’s affections.

Youngjae tried his best to subtly shake his head “no” at Mark if the older boy was implying he should share more. The alcohol must have been affecting Youngjae more than he realised as Yugyeom caught the interaction.

“Oh! Mark knows something we don’t! Spill it Mark!” Yugyeom cheered, shaking Mark’s leg from his place on the ground. Youngjae felt his own eyes widen in fear, now furiously tossing his head from side to side.

“No, he doesn’t!” Youngjae denied vehemently, glaring at a now openly laughing Mark. Jinyoung was giggling beside him as if he was in the know too but it was probably just the alcohol. At least that’s what Youngjae hoped.

“Come on. No more secrets, Jae.” Jaebum coaxed, purely siding with the others because he was no doubt just as curious as they were. Youngjae whipped his head around to scowl at him, Jaebum smiling innocently at him when he was anything but. Youngjae could feel his face heating up in frustration, Mark cracking up further at his reaction, jostling Jinyoung who had been resting on his shoulder.  

“Fine,” Youngjae huffed, pouring himself another drink. He definitely needed it if he was going to be talking about this. “Basically, there’s another guy.” Youngjae started. Jackson’s loud gasp making him pause. “Not like that, jeez, I liked him a long time before I ever met Charlie. Long story short, I never got over him. I’m still not and Charlie could tell so we ended it.” Youngjae said quickly, keeping it short so that they would be satisfied and move on to talk about something else. Youngjae should’ve known he’d never be that lucky. He downed the rest of his drink on a whim as the room erupted with questions.

“Wait, what? Who is it?” Jaebum demanded, the older boy garnering Youngjae’s attention by being the loudest of the lot. Youngjae dazedly shook his head, panicked at the look on Jaebum’s face. Was it just the alcohol or did Jaebum come off as angry?

Jackson was screeching on the other bed at the juicy news while BamBam was physically shoving Youngjae to get information out of him. Mark, the traitor, was snickering to himself as he played with a now dozing Jinyoung’s hair. Youngjae envied Jinyoung for being able to sleep through such a ruckus. It was starting to feel like an interrogation room in there.

“Just give us his name. It won’t leave this room.” Yugyeom tried to persuade him, filling up Youngjae’s glass with the intention of loosening his tongue no doubt.

“I’m not that stupid.”

“We must know him, otherwise he’d tell us.” BamBam suddenly piped up, rubbing his chin like he had a beard. Yugyeom jumped on this theory, excitedly shuffling towards BamBam.

“No, you don’t.” Youngjae lied, frustrated when the boys clearly saw through him and his terrible lying.

“So we do?”

“In the industry or not?” Jackson threw at Youngjae, blindsiding him. The older boy’s gaze was intense as if this was a matter of life or death. Youngjae almost responded truthfully in all the confusion.

“It’s most likely another idol,” Yugyeom spoke over Youngjae, looking past him to Jackson like Youngjae wasn’t even there. “Wait, do you know who it is?” Yugyeom turned to a preoccupied Mark. After he had set Youngjae’s life aflame Mark had busied himself with tracing his finger over Jinyoung’s face and was currently booping the tip of Jinyoung’s nose with his index finger.

“Huh? Who?” Mark responded absentmindedly, cooing as Jinyoung drooled onto his shoulder.

BamBam wrinkled his nose in disgust, distracted momentarily before he repeated what Yugyeom said. It took the three of them surrounding Mark for the older boy to realise the gravity of the situation he had put Youngjae in.

“Oh no, you can’t know.” Mark rushed out, having the decency to stare apologetically at Youngjae, albeit belated. The others continued to press Mark for answers, whining that it was unfair that he got to know. Jaebum was the only one who didn’t engage in the squabble, keeping uncharacteristically to himself. It didn’t even seem like he was paying attention to the mess that was taking place.

Youngjae could barely see the back of Jaebum’s head from where he was sitting on the bed. Youngjae was studying how Jaebum’s shoulders were slumped, wondering what he was thinking when Jaebum suddenly tilted his head back, catching him staring. Youngjae immediately looked away, hoping Jaebum would assume it was the alcohol and the heat of the room that had Youngjae’s cheeks colouring.

The others had somehow descended into a drunken argument, partly fuelled by the fact they had woken up a very puzzled Jinyoung at some point. Jinyoung apparently had a few choice words for them all, Mark included, as he wasn’t finished with his nap. He looked fit to join Yugyeom on the ground again when the youngest among them started squealing, standing up and nearly slipping back onto the floor.

“Why am I wet?” Yugyeom yelled, the entire side of his leg dripping as a puddled formed around his feet. The water jug Jaebum had been drinking out of was laying on its side, spilling out onto the floor.

“You knocked my water over, Yugs.” Jaebum scolded, getting up to grab tissues from the bathroom. Yugyeom apologised, shaking his leg uselessly in an attempt to dry it. BamBam was cackling at the wet patch on his friend’s trousers, leaning over to smack Yugyeom’s ass.

Maybe everyone had drunk too much to notice, but Youngjae could’ve sworn the jug had been closer to Jaebum. Youngjae welcomed the distraction nonetheless as Yugyeom and BamBam started tackling each other, Yugyeom trying to press his wet side onto a screaming BamBam. Youngjae let out a shaky sigh of relief as things returned to normalcy. Thankfully all talk of Youngjae’s love life was forgotten for now.

***

The night eventually dwindled down until Jinyoung wasn’t the only one struggling to stay awake as Jackson was trying to speak around yawns while Youngjae’s himself could barely keep his eyes open. Jaebum was the one who called it a night at 3 am, reminding them all of the traveling they would have to do tomorrow. They were all too lazy to head back to their own rooms, settling down for the night where they had been sitting.

Mark and Jinyoung were in one bed with Yugyeom, the younger boy having weaselled his way between them by pouting. Youngjae thought they looked quite sweet cuddled close like that, much like two parents and their child. BamBam was curled up on the other side of the bed they were sharing, seeming smaller than he was. Jackson was splayed across the couch, already snoring as Jaebum searched through the closet for blankets. Youngjae watched him from the sheets, the after-effects of all the alcohol making everything feel glowy and warm.

“Bummie.” Youngjae drowsily groaned, not even caring if he woke the others up. All he could think of was getting the older boy’s attention. That was of the utmost importance; his number one priority.

“What?” Jaebum whispered, half-turning his body around so he could face Youngjae as he continued to feel around in the cupboard.

“Come to bed,” Youngjae complained, pulling the duvet back and patting the free space on the mattress.

Jaebum stilled his efforts, almost shocked as he glanced between Youngjae and the bed. Youngjae squinted at him in the dim light, patting the bed once more for emphasis. Jaebum snapped out of his thoughts, doubling his efforts as he rifled through the bed linen. If Youngjae had been sober he knew he would’ve shied away when Jaebum had ignored him but the beer made him brave.

Youngjae sighed, irritated at how obstinate Jaebum was being. He got out of bed himself and stumbled over to Jaebum. The older boy jumped when Youngjae came up behind him, wrapping his arms securely around Jaebum’s waist. Even though Jaebum was stiff, Youngjae took it as a good sign that he wasn’t being immediately shoved away.

“I’m, uh, sleeping on the floor.” Jaebum croaked, his voice low as he placed a tentative hand on Youngjae’s arm but that wasn't part of Youngjae’s plan. He shook his head violently, rubbing his cheek into Jaebum’s back. Youngjae could feel Jaebum’s hand tighten around his arm but it didn’t hurt.

“No,” Youngjae mumbled into his back, lips pressed up against the soft material of his shirt. He could almost fall asleep like this, standing up and leaning against Jaebum. Youngjae would almost rather have a bed to lay on. Almost. “Stay with me.” Youngjae exhaled, unsure where all of this bravado was coming from but satisfied when he felt Jaebum’s breathing hitch.

Youngjae extracted himself from Jaebum, wrapping his hand around the older boy’s wrist instead. He tugged Jaebum the short distance between the closet and the bed with no resistance from the older boy. Youngjae climbed in first, sleepily smiling up at Jaebum as he hesitated one last time before clamouring in beside Youngjae.

Jaebum had barely settled under the sheets before Youngjae was shamelessly pressing up against Jaebum, laying his head on the older boy’s chest. He threw his leg over Jaebum’s for good measure, pinning Jaebum to the bed with a contented noise. Jaebum was lightly laughing underneath him, causing Youngjae to shake.

The younger boy shushed him, nuzzling into Jaebum’s chest to get him to stop. It worked, the older boy going silent so Youngjae could hear his strangely fast heartbeat. Maybe your heart rate picked up after laughing, Youngjae wasn’t a doctor and he didn’t really care as long as Jaebum stayed right where he was. Jaebum was gently rubbing circles on Youngjae’s back, the younger boy on the cusp of sleep when he was reminded of the water jug incident.

“By the way,” Youngjae whispered, waiting for Jaebum to hum before responding. “Thanks for spilling your water earlier.” Youngjae continued, tracing random little shapes on Jaebum’s off-white shirt. Jaebum’s hand on him stilled for a moment before he resumed his ministrations, confirming Youngjae’s suspicions.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Jaebum whispered back, tucking the sheets closer to Youngjae until he felt toasty.

Youngjae replied with an unconvinced “uh-huh”, wishing he could fall asleep like this every night, minus BamBam being only a few centimetres away. A part of Youngjae wanted to force himself to stay up so he could bask in this moment just a little bit longer. Jaebum was making that impossible, between the way he was tenderly stroking Youngjae’s back and the fact that his slow breathing was gradually lulling Youngjae to sleep. He gave up on keeping his eyes open, letting his hand rest on Jaebum’s chest as sleep dragged him into unconsciousness. The last thing Youngjae remembered was what felt like breath fanning the top of his head before he felt something soft pressing into his hair as he drifted off to sleep.

Chapter Text

Jaebum woke up to soft breaths on his neck, steady and warm. There was a shuffling noise somewhere out of sight, probably the reason for him waking up. He groaned in annoyance, squinting tiredly up at the ceiling. A weight on his chest kept him from sitting up fully and when he glanced to his left he found Youngjae sound asleep with his arm draped over Jaebum. His face was barely an inch away from Jaebum’s, breathtakingly close.

“Oh, you’re up!” Jackson’s voice called to him, coming from the end of the bed. Jaebum twisted until he could see the other man’s bright face. Jackson looked as fresh as a daisy, as if he hadn’t even been drinking the night before. “I’m heading to the gym downstairs, wanna come with?” Jackson offered, tossing a towel around his own neck. Jaebum’s shoulder was dead from not being able to move it during the night; it would undoubtedly feel stiff later and loosening up in the gym or at the pool would be a good idea. He glanced down at Youngjae who was peacefully curled up beside him and decided he couldn’t bring himself to move.

“Nah, I don’t want to wake Jae.” Jaebum whispered, waving Jackson off as he headed out.

Jaebum waited for the tell-tale click of the door closing before he relaxed fully into the mattress and turned back to Youngjae. He really was beautiful. Jaebum couldn’t deny that, it was a simple and objective fact. Up close like this all Jaebum could see was Youngjae. From his tiny eye mole nearly covered by his eyelashes to his soft cheeks right down to his parted plush lips. Jaebum’s vision was filled with these details.

He always found himself staring for too long these days but he just couldn’t get enough. The more he looked the more he found himself unable to refute Youngjae’s pull. They were idols, none of them could really be classified as “ugly” but with Youngjae it felt different. He wasn’t just good looking. Youngjae was attractive. He drew Jaebum in like no one else ever had. Jaebum felt the need to be around Youngjae, he wanted to be completely surrounded by the other boy and have him hold Jaebum as he did now. Being this close made it worse, it was never enough.

Jaebum found himself leaning in, indulging himself despite his better judgement. Softly, his touch as light as a feather, Jaebum traced his finger up Youngjae’s chin over the curve of his lips.

“What are you doing?” Youngjae questioned, his voice cracking from having not used it during the night. Jaebum froze for a split second before he continued his journey up the tip of Youngjae’s nose.

“Drawing.” Jaebum whispered, smiling at the adorable frown that bloomed across Youngjae’s face. Jaebum trailed his index finger up the bridge of Youngjae’s nose, stopping between his eyebrows to smooth out the wrinkle that had formed there.

“Weirdo.” Youngjae grunted, but he didn’t move away. Youngjae’s hand on his chest clenched around the material of his nightshirt, effectively snuggling in closer to Jaebum.

“Did I wake you?” Jaebum asked the sleepy boy, continuing his facial sketch as he moved onto Youngjae’s eyebrows.

“No, Jackson woke me up, he’s so loud.” Youngjae grouched, yawning on the last syllable. Jaebum hummed non-committedly in response, brushing the pad of his finger against Youngjae’s cheekbone.

“Is this annoying?” Jaebum wondered curiously, hovering his hand just above Youngjae’s face as he spoke. The younger boy’s eyes half-fluttered open at this, Youngjae’s hand finding Jaebum’s only to press his palm against Youngjae’s cheek fully.

“It feels nice.” Youngjae assured him, leaning into the touch as he let his eyes slide shut again.

Jaebum didn’t move for a moment, he just let his hand sit frozen against Youngjae’s skin. It was all very innocent but there was still something so intimate about the gesture that made it feel like they were crossing a line. This was new territory, something friends didn’t do, or at least none of the friends Jaebum knew ever did.  Youngjae’s hand trailed down to loosely clasp around Jaebum’s wrist, as if afraid Jaebum might pull away. Pulling away would be a re-setting of boundaries, re-establishing that this didn’t go beyond friendship. But Youngjae’s cheek was so soft, and where their skin touched was electric. Jaebum couldn’t bring himself to move away; it would feel wrong.

He carefully rubbed his thumb over Youngjae’s skin, his touch barely there with how tentative he was being. They both seemed to let out a breath at the action. The silence no longer felt charged but comfortable and warm. It felt like they were the only two in the room, despite the sounds of Jinyoung snoring only a few feet away. Youngjae appeared unbothered by the position they were in, his breaths evening out against Jaebum’s neck again as if he was falling back asleep.

This felt so right, laying here together like this; bodies pressed up against one another with Jaebum caressing Youngjae’s face while the younger boy fisted his hand in Jaebum’s shirt.

The action was far too intimate and loving for what they were. Jaebum didn’t push him away, he couldn’t, not when his body practically melted into the mattress at the sensation. Youngjae’s arms felt strong and firm, like they could protect Jaebum from the terrible world outside this hotel room. Just for a moment, in that hotel room in a foreign city surrounded by all their friends, Jaebum really believed Youngjae could.

***

A week later Jaebum was in a different country but with the same boy cuddled up beside him. When Jaebum had heard that he was rooming with Youngjae again he couldn’t decide whether to thank or curse the world. The first-night Jaebum had been stupidly nervous and barely talking while Youngjae yawned his way through a story as they got ready for bed. Jaebum had tossed his bag down, changed and tucked himself into bed all the while Youngjae was still in the bathroom.

Jaebum had watched from under the covers as Youngjae came back out, rubbing his eyes as he dragged himself not over to the free bed but to the one Jaebum was already lying on. Youngjae didn’t explain himself as he reached across Jaebum to turn off the bedside lamp, shrouding them in darkness. He had yawned out a simple “goodnight” before curling himself around Jaebum and falling asleep. After that night It had become a habit for them to fall asleep in the same bed, limbs tangled together. The other double bed hadn’t been slept in once over the past two days.

They had just come back from a fanmeet, Youngjae was in the shower washing up while Jaebum lay on their unmade bed, staring listlessly up at the ceiling as he waited for his turn. Despite his exhaustion, he wished he could drag out his night time routine. Tonight was their last night in this city and therefore this hotel room. The sooner he slept the sooner morning would come and by tomorrow they would be in a new city, new hotel and have new roommates. Jaebum wondered if Youngjae felt as reluctant as he did to pack up his stuff. He doubted it. Jaebum let his eyes slid shut as he heard the shower turn off. A few minutes more and he could hear the bathroom door click open.

“Shower’s free.” Youngjae called from somewhere in the room but Jaebum ignored him, the idea of just sleeping as is was becoming very appealing. His legs were really starting to feel the strain of this tour, his muscles aching even as he lay there. “Hey, wake up!” Youngjae scolded, whacking Jaebum on the chest for good measure. Jaebum blindly reached for Youngjae’s hand, grabbing it and whining.

“Let’s just sleep like this, it’ll be fine.” Jaebum tried to convince him, tugging on Youngjae’s hand and effectively pulling him down onto the bed. Youngjae half fell on top of Jaebum, his other hand coming up to catch himself from falling face first into the mattress. Jaebum threw an arm around Youngjae’s waist to keep him in place, ignoring how the younger boy’s freshly washed hair was making his own face wet. Youngjae was straining against his hold, violently squirming around and squealing about the stench. Jaebum was too tired to properly fight him, so Youngjae managed to prop himself up on Jaebum’s chest enough to be looking down at the older boy.

“You stink.” Youngjae said bluntly, wrinkling his nose for emphasis. Jaebum should’ve been offended by that but it was probably the truth.  “Shower. Now.” Youngjae ordered, freeing himself with one swift tug at the arm encircling him. Jaebum sighed dramatically before standing up, his body protesting at the movement. Youngjae stood there, his phone in one hand, and a towel around his shoulders collecting the water falling from his damp hair.

“My hair will be all wet. I could get a cold.” Jaebum pointed out, pouting as he refused to move closer to the bathroom. Youngjae rolled his eyes at Jaebum’s blatant evasion tactics.

“I’ll blow dry your hair for you, you big baby,” Youngjae said, like he was stating the obvious as he impatiently pushed Jaebum towards the steaming shower room. Jaebum thought he was kidding but much like the day he had reunited with Changsun, Youngjae sat him down and carefully dried Jaebum’s hair for him. The gentle manner in which Youngjae carded his hand through Jaebum’s hair had the older boy blushing.

It all felt so sickeningly domestic, from the shower banter to the caring way Youngjae had dried his hair to the way Jaebum held Youngjae now as he slept. What was truly terrifying was how natural it all felt, his body reacting and responding without Jaebum even thinking about it. Like this was how things were supposed to be. He couldn’t help but snuggle closer into Youngjae’s back, breathing in the strawberry scent of his shampoo. It made him smile to think that their hair probably smelt the same. With his arms wrapped around a softly breathing Youngjae, there was nowhere else Jaebum wanted to be.

However, Jaebum found himself struggling to fall asleep. Youngjae was usually the best medicine for a sleepless night but his mind just wouldn’t stop its endless whirring.  The thoughts Jaebum had been repressing for so long were taunting him. He couldn’t keep ignoring them and live in this weird limbo as Youngjae’s friend. Jaebum wanted more, he wanted Youngjae to call him “his”.

There was someone else. Someone Youngjae couldn’t stop thinking about, someone he probably wrote all his songs for. It hurt to think that Youngjae would rather have that guy hold him like this, that he was probably imagining it was this mystery guy rather than Jaebum. It all came tumbling down at once, making Jaebum sick to his stomach. It was the same queasiness he felt whenever he was reminded that he wasn’t enough, whether it be by his mother, his instructors, or the internet. It was a feeling that not only turned his stomach but worked its way up into his chest, making it difficult to breathe.

Jaebum couldn’t lie there anymore feeling like a heartbroken fool. As quietly as he could he removed his arms from Youngjae’s waist and slid out of the bed. Grabbing his phone and keycard from the bedside table, Jaebum blindly felt his way towards the door in the dark. Once he was out in the hall he stood frozen in his slippers and pajamas, unsure and panicked. Physically getting away from Youngjae hadn’t helped as much as he had hoped.

Jaebum still felt on the edge of a breakdown, like the slightest jolt would send him spiraling. His body seemed to be working against him as his legs gave out, requiring him to use the wall for support. It wasn’t of much help and Jaebum soon found himself sitting on the coarse carpet of the hallway. His thoughts from earlier kept circling in his mind. He needed to just get them all out but who could he talk to? With trembling hands he dialed his number as if on auto-pilot, the ringing sound echoing in his ears as he tried to even out his breathing. His exhales and inhales sounded so loud to himself in the deserted hallway.

After the fourth ring, Jaebum was greeted with a series of confused “Hello?”s.

“Sunnie.” Jaebum choked out, the panic making his voice sound strangled even to his own ears.

“Jaebum?” Changsun croaked, his drowsiness evident over the phone. “It’s 2 am.” He whispered, worry colouring his hushed voice. Changsun was right, what was Jaebum doing, ringing him at this time.

“Sorry, I-” Jaebum broke off, unable to finish whatever he had started with just how pathetic he sounded. He felt like he was sitting at the edge of the ocean, the tide relentlessly washing over him over and over again. Youngjae doesn’t love you, he never will, this is what you get for proving mother right.

“What’s wrong? Are you hu-”

“I’m gay.” Jaebum all but sobbed, smacking his free hand over his mouth in a subconscious attempt to take back the admission. He had finally said it, the uncomfortable truth he had internally known for weeks was out. The only witnesses were that empty hotel hallway and an unresponsive Changsun. His panic didn’t exactly leave him but there was a loosening, a relief of sorts from throwing it out into the universe. Still, Jaebum was shaking and unsure of himself as he waited for Changsun to say something, anything. “Sunnie?” Jaebum called out once the silence became unbearable. He felt like a five-year-old all over again, afraid and asking for Changsun to save him.

“Sorry, I’m here, I- just give me a minute, don’t go anywhere. Do not hang up, do you hear me, Im Jaebum?” Changsun said sternly, the order followed by what sounded like rustling and the other boy mumbling to himself.

“I won’t.” Jaebum breathed out. He could hardly go back to sleep now or maybe ever.

“Ah, ok, sorry about that. I didn’t want to wake Hyunjin up so I had to move to the kitchen.” Changsun explained, his voice at its regular volume. Jaebum hummed in response but did little else to move the conversation on. “So you’re…” Changsun trailed off, the unspoken word hanging like a heavyweight between them.

“I think so. Uh, I mean, who knows,” Jaebum stuttered awkwardly. He hadn’t really looked into what label he should attach himself to, if any, but he was sure of one thing. “I just know how I feel about him.” Jaebum sighed, wishing he could just sleep this all off. Changsun waited a beat, processing the information before he spoke up.

“Youngjae.” Changsun said, like he wasn’t even guessing, as if he already knew.

“That obvious, huh? Fuck .” Jaebum exhaled, running a hand through his hair in exasperation.

Changsun had seen Youngjae with Jaebum only once and even he wasn’t surprised. There were no secrets left, he might as well release everything he’d held bottled up for so long.

“I love him, Sunnie, I love him so fucking much.” Jaebum whimpered, biting his bottom lip to keep it from trembling. “All I want to do is be around him, hold him, even k-kiss him, like, shit. I’m so in love with him it freaks me the fuck out.” Jaebum gasped, his heart going a mile a minute while Changsun hummed his encouragement down the phone. “But I know he doesn’t feel the same and that hurts so bad and it won’t stop. I need your help.” Jaebum pleaded, not even bothering to keep the desperation out of his voice at this point. Changsun fell quiet again, mulling over Jaebum’s declaration.

“Have you told Youngjae how you feel?” Changsun finally asked, careful like Jaebum was a bull manoeuvring around a china set. The mere thought of confessing was sending Jaebum into a further downward spiral. He could never tell Youngjae everything he had just said. It would ruin them.

“What? No! Of course not.” Jaebum rebuked, sniffling angrily as he rubbed his face dry. Stupid tears.

“Well, you should,” Changsun said bluntly and matter of fact, like it was the most sensible course of action. Jaebum couldn’t believe what he was hearing and half-expected to wake up from some terrible dream at any minute.

“Are you fucking kidding me? I’m being serious right now.” He hissed down the phone, his frustration starting to boil over. He had come to Changsun looking for useful advice, maybe some magic way he could get over Youngjae not whatever joke this was.

“So am I, Jaebum. Tell him how you feel.” Changsun remained as stubborn and unmoving as ever. Jaebum scoffed at him. Clearly, Changsun didn’t understand what he was going through.

“I can’t, he’ll reject me, I know it.” Jaebum spat, trying to hold onto his anger rather than let it dissolve into his previous babbling tears. He knew he sounded like a child trying to act tough with how his voice quavered at the end of his sentence. “I won’t lose him over this.” He added after a pause, shaking his head as he stared at the ugly wallpaper opposite him.

“Jaebum, I know it’s scary but you have to trust me when I say he feels the same way. I could see it; how you both felt about each other when you introduced us. He loves you back. Just have faith.”

“You’re just saying that.” Jaebum denied, unwilling to give in to hope. If Changsun was wrong and Jaebum had let himself hope the rejection would only hurt that much more.

“No, I’m not. When we first met I genuinely thought you guys were dating. It was only when Youngjae corrected me that I realised I wasn’t exactly right.” Changsun explained earnestly, and Jaebum just knew he wasn’t lying.

Still, he had nothing to say to that. A part of him reveled in the idea they could be mistaken for a couple while a larger part of him cringed at how blatant his feelings apparently were this whole time.

“Just tell Youngjae how you feel so he can dump his boyfriend and you can both live happily ever after,” Changsun demanded, an almost playful tone to what he was saying. The flippancy on Changsun’s part was slowly getting under Jaebum’s skin.

“He’s already broken up with his boyfriend,” Jaebum informed him, listlessly staring down at the carpeted floor.

“Great, so tomorrow morning go find-” Changsun tried to enthuse but Jaebum cut in with the reality of the situation.

“ Because , he has feelings for someone else.” There was a beat of silence where Jaebum hoped the futility of his position had at last been conveyed.

“Yeah, you.” Changsun deadpanned, eliciting a sigh from Jaebum.

“No, not me.” He threw back, unable to contain his irritation. “Some guy he won’t talk to me about, won’t even tell me his name,” Jaebum spoke bitterly, getting heated from even speaking about it. If only he knew his competition. Maybe he would have a better chance.

“I can’t believe you’re actually this dense.” Changsun mused, sarcasm lacing his every word.

“What?”

“The guy is clearly you, you dumbass. Why the hell else would he not tell you his name? Youngjae is just as scared of rejection as you and he has more reason to be because he thinks you’re straight.”

Changsun’s last point made Jaebum pause before he responded. He had never thought about it like that, never considered the fact that as far as Youngjae knew Jaebum was only interested in girls. Everything Changsun said made sense in isolation. It didn’t make sense that Youngjae was so adamant on keeping this guy’s identity a secret unless it was someone they knew. They told each other everything, so why keep this guy a secret?

“How can you be so sure? You’ve only met him once.” Jaebum countered, trying to find a flaw in Changsun’s logic.

“Yeah and he all but told me he was in love with you.” Jaebum’s heart lurched at that piece of information.

“Did he outright say it?” Jaebum demanded, only slightly embarrassed at his own urgency.

“Oh come on, don’t be like this,” Changsun begged, dashing Jaebum’s hopes of having some confirmation or reassurance. Youngjae had never said anything like it. Changsun was probably going off inferations and implications.  “Why would I lie? I have nothing to gain from that.” Changsun tried to reason with him but Jaebum was embroiled in his own sour thoughts.

“He didn’t, did he? So you can’t say you’re one hundred percent sure.” Jaebum argued, definitively shutting Changsun down.

“No one ever is! That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take the risk. Isn’t Youngjae worth it?” That was a low blow. There was a lot Jaebum would do for Youngjae, from standing up for him in meetings and as a result being put on JYP’s bad-side to opening up his whole mindset.

He had completely re-addressed all of his indoctrinated beliefs growing up for Youngjae so they could restart their friendship. Confessing was something Jaebum wasn’t sure he could do. It felt like going against Youngjae’s interests; he couldn’t be sure that it was what Youngjae wanted. The risk was losing Youngjae. Those stakes were too high for Jaebum.

“It’s not that simple,” Jaebum said through pursed lips.

“Oh, trust me, I know how hard it is. Do you know how long I spent dropping hints to Hyunjin that I liked him?” Changsun demanded, continuing before Jaebum could even take a breath. “A whole year. It took me drunkenly grinding up on him one night in a club before he finally caught on.” Changsun exclaimed, his exasperation at the situation overbearing his sympathy for Jaebum. That coupled with the mental image of a drunk Changsun throwing himself at a helpless Hyunjin had Jaebum cracking up. He did his best to muffle his laughs, but Changsun yelling “what” down the line tipped him over the edge.

Soon they were both snorting with laughter despite the tumultuous start to their conversation. They slowly came down from the euphoric feeling of being stuck in a laughing loop, Jaebum sobering up as he remembered why he was on the phone to Changsun in the middle of the night.

“What if you're just reading him wrong? What if it's just friendship on his end?” Jaebum whispered, bringing a still-gasping Changsun back to reality.

Jaebum thought over all of his interactions with Youngjae. Was there anything there that could be considered flirty or even romantic? Nothing stuck out. Some might think that the hand-holding, the hugging and cuddling was all too intimate for a purely platonic relationship but that’s just how things have always been between Jaebum and Youngjae. Skinship was a boundary they had crossed a long time ago. Changsun seemed to really consider this, taking a few moments to formulate his answer.

“You want proof that he feels the same without confessing? Take him on a date.” Changsun suggested, his advice hardly the nugget wisdom Jaebum was expecting. He was about to scoff at the notion when Changsun continued. “You don’t have to say it’s a date but treat it like one. Hand-holding, romantic restaurant, compliments and flirting, the works. If he doesn’t tell you to back off or even better, if he reciprocates, then you come tell me how I’m always right because he likes you back.” Changsun ended his little proposal, clearly pleased with himself. Jaebum had to admit it wasn’t the worst idea he had ever heard and it would give him an excuse to hang out with Youngjae. A first date of sorts sounded too good to be true but the mere thought made him smile.

“That actually sounds pretty nice,” Jaebum admitted in spite of himself, feeling stupidly shy. It wasn’t even a date for god's sake. Youngjae hadn’t even agreed to go yet either.

“Oh! Then we can go on double dates. Ah, I can’t wait.” Changsun murmured dreamily, the excitement in his voice making Jaebum laugh. It was a sweet thing to want, something Jaebum also wished for. A year ago Jaebum could have never fathomed such a conversation taking place. The idea that he would be in contact with Changsun was inconceivable, never mind what they were talking about. The knowledge that his mother would entirely disapprove was oddly satisfying, as if he could finally defy her with his happiness.

“You know, in her own twisted way my mum was right about us. I mean, she knew before either of us did.” Jaebum mused, remembering their little mock wedding years ago.

“Hmm, an incredible gaydar,” Changsun remarked dryly, eliciting a chuckle from Jaebum.

“It just makes me wonder. What if we’d grown up in a more accepting environment? How different would things be, you know?” Jaebum thought out loud. Honestly, it had crossed his mind a few times since reconnecting with Changsun.

“We might’ve been childhood sweethearts.” Changsun joked, his voice bittersweet as they both knew there was a little bit of truth to the statement.

In some other alternate universe, there was a Changsun and Jaebum who got to grow up loved and accepted with their parents looking on with knowing smiles as the two kids played. At age 16 or 17, when all their friends were off dating, they would realise they didn’t want to share their first kiss with anyone else. Changsun would confess, always the more outgoing of the two, and Jaebum would blush from head to toe as he told Changsun he felt the same. That version of themselves didn’t exist in this universe, and maybe that was for the best.

“Maybe, but you did one better with Hyunjin,” Jaebum assured him, discarding all thoughts of what could have been. The boy sleeping back in his room made it hard to wish for another timeline. Jaebum already felt like the luckiest man in the world for having met him.

“And you with Youngjae,” Changsun replied with an assurance Jaebum hoped he would have one day.

***

It took five days for Jaebum to build up the courage to ask Youngjae out on that ‘date’. Five days of wording and rewording the question in his mind. five days of almost approaching Youngjae in the airport, backstage or in the many coach journeys. On the fifth morning Jaebum received a sign that he should just go for it that looked a little something like this;

Sunnie: So help me Im Jaebum if you don’t ask that boy out for dinner today I’ll message him for you (•¯ ∀ ¯•)

Inspired, Jaebum devised a plan. All during breakfast, Jaebum barely paid attention to what was being said, researching on his phone. Google was his best friend as he found the perfect place to bring Youngjae. They basically had a free day today, only a short rehearsal for tomorrows show on the agenda so they’d have the evening to themselves.

He booked online as the others talked about the tour so far and the places they had visited.

Mark was particularly excited about the next leg of the tour which was ending in his hometown. Thankfully no one commented on how preoccupied Jaebum appeared. Once he had gotten the email confirming his reservation Jaebum had to actually ask Youngjae. For the rest of their breakfast, he had stared at Youngjae, desperately thinking of a way to bring it up without accidentally inviting the others.

The younger boy had caught his eye more than once, quirking his eyebrow at him in questioning. Jaebum had shaken his head, trying to smile away the awkwardness. There was no opportunity to get Youngjae alone or slip a note across the table without someone noticing. The meal passed quicker than Jaebum would’ve liked, Youngjae getting up and leaving Jaebum to gaze forlornly after him.

He had contemplated just messaging Youngjae as Changsun had threatened but it felt too impersonal. Jaebum needed to do this right. It’s what Youngjae deserved. With this resolution Jaebum marched himself down the hall to Youngjae’s room. He hesitated another two or three minutes before he actually managed to rap his knuckles against the door. Jaebum ran his hands through his hair, fixing and tousling it as he waited for the door to open. When it did, Jaebum couldn’t help but be disappointed at seeing BamBam instead of Youngjae.

“Hey, what’s up?” The younger boy asked, curious but casual as he eyed a clearly nervous Jaebum.

“Is, uh, Youngjae here?” Jaebum stuttered, glancing behind BamBam to see into their room. At his name, Youngjae peered around the corner, his brows furrowed in concern.

“Everything alright?” Youngjae questioned, coming up behind BamBam. The closer he got the faster Jaebum’s pulse seemed to get. He couldn’t believe he was really doing this.

“Yeah, I just wanted to ask you something,” Jaebum assured him, pointedly looking at BamBam who hadn’t moved. The younger boy feigned offense as he walked back into the shared room, going so far as to stick his fingers in his ears.

“So?” Youngjae prompted, half-closing the door behind him to give them some semblance of privacy.

“So, um, I was just wondering if you’d like to go to dinner with me tonight,” Jaebum asked, forcing himself to not look away, his ears heating up and no doubt bright red.  

Jaebum watched as Youngjae opened his mouth as if to say something but then closed it again. In the time it took Youngjae to respond Jaebum considered his options, most which consisted of running away and changing his name.

“Just the two of us?” Youngjae checked, apparently still very much in shock that this was what Jaebum wanted to talk about. He had probably anticipated some emergency that needed immediate attention.

“As long as that’s ok with you.” Jaebum hurried to reply. The last thing he wanted was Youngjae feeling uncomfortable.

“No, yeah, that’s great,” Youngjae reassured him just as quickly, throwing Jaebum a thumbs up. Youngjae seemed to regret the gesture, instantly scrunching his nose but Jaebum couldn’t have cared less. Youngjae had said yes. He couldn’t believe it. Jaebum felt like he was on cloud nine.

“Perfect, I’ll text you the details.” Jaebum grinned, unsure how to say goodbye now. He settled for an uncomfortable wave as he backed away from Youngjae’s door. The younger boy beamed at him waiting until outside his room watching Jaebum until they couldn’t see each other anymore.

***

Later, Jaebum felt deja-vu as he stood outside that same door. This time he was dressed to impress with a black dress shirt tucked into black slacks. Simple but dressy. Or at least that’s what Jackson had told him after Jaebum had asked for the tenth time. When BamBam opened the door this time he did so with a disdainful look on his face.

“He tried on everything he has. Twice.” BamBam sneered before Jaebum could even greet him. “This ‘dinner’ best be worth the suffering I’ve endured.” The younger boy sniffed, eyeing Jaebum’s own outfit like he was evaluating it. A flustered Youngjae appeared, dressed similarly to Jaebum with an oversized white dress shirt that was half-tucked into a pair of blue skinny jeans. He looked amazing with his dark hair styled and parted to reveal his forehead. Jaebum couldn’t keep his eyes off of him.

“Sorry, we were just deciding which earrings to wear, what do you think?” Youngjae wondered, his hands fluttering around his ears. On his right ear were the usual rings Youngjae wore while his on his left hung this long elaborate cross.

“I like the ones you always wear.” Jaebum shrugged. The other ones were pretty but there was something so Youngjae about those rings. The younger boy was quick to ditch the new dangly piece, taking it out and handing it to an exasperated BamBam. He made sure to inform them that their sense of fashion was pitiful as he put the earrings on a table full of accessories all of which were probably BamBam’s. Youngjae shrugged on a long black coat as he walked over to stand beside Jaebum, twisting his head to show off his earrings. Jaebum hummed appreciatively, smiling at the cute action. He was about to compliment Youngjae when the younger boy cut in, sounding panicked.  

“Oh my god, I’m so under-dressed.” Youngjae all but gasped, frowning at Jaebum’s trousers in particular. He made a move back towards his open suitcase as if he was going to change. Jaebum grabbed his hand, stopping Youngjae in his tracks and intertwining their fingers.

“You’re perfect,” Jaebum assured him, the words falling out of him like he had no choice. Youngjae looked away, his skin flushed and mouth agape as if he was going to argue back. “Come on, let's go.” Jaebum urged, tugging Youngjae closer to him as he himself turned towards the open door. They had only made it halfway out the door when BamBam decided to pipe up.

“Have fun on your date!” BamBam called after them, causing Youngjae to turn back around and pull against Jaebum’s hold.

“Thanks!” Jaebum yelled over his shoulder, hauling a pissed off Youngjae over the threshold. The door slammed shut behind them, Youngjae looking affronted and ready to pound on the door. “Come on, we’ll be late.” Jaebum murmured, almost giddy with nerves as he turned Youngjae’s attention back to him.

The younger boy’s cheeks were bright pink as Jaebum led him down the hall. Despite Youngjae’s obvious chagrin at BamBam’s words he hadn’t let go of Jaebum’s hand once. They walked like that, hand in hand, all the way to the restaurant.

***

Jaebum had feared that a sit-down candle-lit dinner would be awkward but he should have known his fears were groundless. Apart from Youngjae's immediate reaction to the spot Jaebum had picked it all went well. The second they had walked in youngjae began to fret about how fancy the restaurant was, complaining about feeling completely out of place as they were escorted to their seats.

“You deserve the world.” Jaebum had shrugged, trying to keep it casual when his words were anything but. Youngjae had rolled his eyes but was unable to keep a smile off his face. The comment at least seemed to put him a little more at ease and the conversation flowed as naturally as ever from there.

They were tucked away in a booth down the back of the restaurant like Jaebum had asked so it felt like it was just the two of them. Youngjae had eyed the flowers on the table alongside the candles but had kept his thoughts to himself, acting normal. Everything went better than Jaebum could’ve asked for. The food was great and there wasn’t a single awkward silence, plus Youngjae seemed genuinely happy.

Jaebum almost wished there would have been some sort of delay with their food, maybe the waiter clumsily dropping one of their dishes and having to get a fresh one. It felt like the bill came too soon, drawing their date to a close before Jaebum was ready to head back to the hotel. Regardless, Jaebum reached for his wallet but Youngjae was two steps ahead of him, handing their waiter his card instead.

“Hey! I’m getting it.” Jaebum whined, reaching across the table to grab the bill. The waiter stopped mid-turn, face puzzled. “It’s my treat.” Jaebum insisted, ignoring the waiter to stare an obstinate Youngjae down. “Here you go,” Jaebum said, smiling politely up at the waiter as he held his own credit card out for him.

The waiter stood there looking between them, unsure who to listen to.

“No!” Youngjae cried, swatting at Jaebum’s hand and scaring the waiter. “You paid for the lunch with Changsun, let me get this one,” Youngjae argued, having the audacity to pout at Jaebum.

“But I asked you to come with me tonight,” Jaebum argued back, moving his hand out of Youngjae’s reach. The younger boy frowned thoughtfully at him for a moment before he spoke again.

“How about you pay next time?” Youngjae proposed, arching an eyebrow at him.

Jaebum’s mind went blank for a moment and Youngjae cheekily used this as his chance to snatch the bill and pay. Jaebum somehow just couldn’t bring himself to care. Next time, huh?

The thought of there being a next time made his insides turn into a mushy excited goo, his heart fluttering in his chest. Jaebum was still processing his elation as the waiter thanked them and Youngjae stood up, donning his jacket. Jaebum followed him out of the restaurant, mumbling out a flustered ‘thank you’ once they were outside.

“You’re welcome.” Youngjae grinned, bumping his shoulder into Jaebum’s.

A shiver ran through Jaebum, the temperature having dropped after the sun went down. In his panic to get ready earlier he had forgotten to bring a coat and clearly would have to pay the price.

“Oh my god, why are you never properly wrapped up?” Youngjae complained exasperatedly as he shrugged his jacket back off his shoulders. Jaebum tried to defend himself but Youngjae cut off his words with disapproving “tsks” as he threw his own jacket at Jaebum.

“But you’ll be cold!” Jaebum exclaimed, catching the jacket before it fell to the ground. Youngjae dodged his attempts at giving him the jacket back, trying to hide the fact he was already shivering. “Wait, come here,” Jaebum said, opening the jacket.

Confused, Youngjae pressed himself up against Jaebum’s side. Jaebum carefully draped the jacket around Youngjae’s shoulder so they could share the warmth.

“Now neither of us will get sick.” Jaebum hummed, holding onto his side tightly so the fabric wouldn’t slip. Youngjae was staring at him, quietly, a look of wonder on his face. “What?” Jaebum asked, starting to walk and forcing Youngjae to walk in tandem with him.

“You’re just so-” Youngjae struggled before giving up with a sigh. “You.” He finished, cryptically, his hand fisted in his side of the coat as he smiled at Jaebum in amazement.

 Jaebum didn't know quite what to make of that and Youngjae was quick to change the topic. 

It was halfway through their walk back to the hotel that Youngjae asked him the question Jaebum had been waiting for all night long.

“So, I gotta ask. The fancy restaurant, the candles and it’s just the two of us. Like, why? Is there some special occasion I’m forgetting?” Youngjae wondered, his elbow playfully nudging Jaebum in the side.

Jaebum debated as to whether he should be honest and take this moment with the two of them standing so close to one another to just lay everything out on the table. The ‘date’ had gone well, much better than any official date Jaebum had ever been on.

They had held hands the whole way there and now they were snuggled under the same coat. Youngjae had even implied they could do this again. Should Jaebum just take the risk and tell Youngjae how he feels? Jaebum wished he could be sure but after tonight he only more confused. That, and he was a coward.

“Just thought it’d be fun to hang out.” Jaebum shrugged, eyeing Youngjae carefully, almost worried that he wouldn’t believe him. The smile Youngjae had been wearing all night slipped for a second, the slip barely noticeable before he was beaming brightly at Jaebum again.

“Yeah, it was!” Youngjae laughed, Jaebum joining him weakly as they made their way down the street, still stuck to each other's sides.  

***

They had been standing outside Youngjae’s room for twenty minutes now, just talking. It was all Jaebum's fault; he kept finding things to talk about. He didn’t want the night to end just yet. Youngjae didn’t seem too put out, leaning his back against the closed door as he talked about some new game he was playing. It was only when Jaebum accidentally yawned that the younger boy said they should part for the night. Jaebum tried to convince him he was fine but Youngjae wasn’t buying it.

“Thanks for inviting me out.” Youngjae murmured, looking down at his hands as he played with his hotel key. Jaebum swallowed the lump in his throat, searching for the right words to say. Why did saying goodbye feel so awkward and stilted this time around? As if something had shifted over the course of the evening, making Jaebum second guess everything. He didn't want this to be a one-time thing but he didn't want to overstep a boundary or scare Youngjae off.

“We should go out more often, just the two of us.” Jaebum blurted out, praying he didn’t sound as desperate as he felt. Youngjae smiled at him, eyes sparkling with mirth like he knew something Jaebum didn't.

“What about the others?” Youngjae asked, pushing himself off the door with his head cocked to the side cutely. The distance between them suddenly seemed almost non-existence. Jaebum hadn't even realised he'd been leaning into Youngjae's space like that. 

“Screw them.” Jaebum joked, gulping as Youngjae laughed with his whole body, practically falling into Jaebum. The older boy was shaking his head at Youngjae but made no move to pull away and neither did Youngjae. Their faces were only inches away from each other and for a crazy moment, Jaebum considered closing the gap. It'd be so easy. He'd done the same thing countless times, with faceless strangers at stingy bars. Just a little closer and their lips would touch but this wasn't somebody inconsequential, this was Youngjae. He had to do this right.

So, he stepped backward, giving them both some space. Youngjae’s eyes followed his every movement, his giggles long gone and his face unreadable. For a second, Jaebum really thought Youngjae would pull him back, that he'd dispell all of Jaebum's fears. He should be used to disappointment by now. Youngjae looked away, frowning down at the floor as if it offended him.

“Anyway, it’s bedtime." Youngjae reminded him, clearing his throat and staring back at Jaebum with hardened eyes. "Go.” Youngjae insisted, shoving Jaebum’s shoulder gently. 

“Ok, ok.” Jaebum mumbled, bumping Youngjae’s shoulder with his fist in return as if he didn’t want to grab Youngjae by the waist and kiss him breathless. Youngjae gave him a little nod, watching as Jaebum reluctantly backed away. They waved one more time at each other before Jaebum turned his back on Youngjae. Every fiber of his being screamed at him to stop, to turn around and run to Youngjae. He wasn’t brave enough. Not yet. So, he kept walking.

Chapter Text

Mark was lying on their hotel bed, head propped up by a pillow and a coy Jinyoung hovering above him. The younger boy’s arms bracketed Mark’s head, holding himself up as he gazed down at his boyfriend. Mark occupied himself by trailing his hands up and down Jinyoung’s back as the younger boy stared intently down at Mark.

“What?” Mark asked, smiling tenderly up at the boy above him. Jinyoung took a moment to respond, eyes scanning Mark’s face with a look of disbelief before he shook his head. Slowly, Jinyoung leaned down and pressed a chaste kiss to Mark’s cheek. Mark’s eyes slid shut at the featherlight touch.

“You’re just so beautiful.” Jinyoung whispered against Mark's skin, the words caressing his cheek. The older boy swallowed hard, his hands clenching around the material of Jinyoung’s shirt.

“No, you.” Mark replied, eyes fluttering open as Jinyoung continued to kiss along Mark’s cheekbone.

“No,” Jinyoung mimicked, placing a kiss between Mark’s eyebrows. “You.” He teased, pecking the tip of Mark’s nose. Jinyoung hovered over Mark’s lips, eyes darting up to meet Mark’s before he ducked his head and kissed Mark’s chin, avoiding his lips. The older boy groaned in frustration, as he felt Jinyoung smirking against his jawline.  

“I want to kiss every single part of you.” Jinyoung murmured, punctuating each word with a press of his lips against Mark’s face. He had mapped his way up to Mark’s forehead, when Mark finally got sick of the teasing.

Carefully, Mark moved his hands to down to Jinyoung’s waist and started tickling up his sides. The reaction was immediate and violent as Jinyoung yelped, jumping back and rolling off of Mark. The older boy followed after him fingers attacking Jinyoung’s most ticklish spots while he squealed. Jinyoung was now sprawled out, on his back with his eyes squeezed shut. Mark moved to hover over him in much the same way Jinyoung had only moments before. He had stopped his tickling, one hand rubbing circles in Jinyoung’s waist while the other came up to cup Jinyoung’s cheek. The younger boy was still gasping around his laughter as he leaned into Mark’s touch.

“You interrupted me.” Jinyoung accused, playfully pouting up at his boyfriend.

“Well, you missed a spot.” Mark jokingly threw back, wasting no more time in swooping down to capture Jinyoung’s lips with his own. The younger boy was quick to return the kiss, wrapping his arms around Mark’s shoulders to pull him in closer. Mark would never get tired of kissing Jinyoung, from the way he would sigh into the kiss, to how he would linger on Mark’s bottom lip, giving it the most attention. Every time without fail, Mark’s heart would start to race, beating wildly as it had done that very first time. After yearning for something for so long, Mark almost couldn’t believe this was his life now. That he could hold Jinyoung, kiss him and shower him with affection freely and have that affection reciprocated was a dream. Mark’s heart swelled as Jinyoung smiled into the kiss, threading his fingers through Mark’s hair. When they broke apart, their noses brushing against each other the first thing Mark saw was Jinyoung’s eye whiskers as he beamed up at him. Mark’s senses were completely taken over by Jinyoung, all he could see and feel was him and it overwhelmed Mark. He was so disoriented that he dropped his guard, the truth spilling out of him.

“I love you.”

The three words hung in the air in between them, Mark dazed as his heart thundered in his chest. Jinyoung was frozen underneath him, his smile slowly disintegrating as fear clouded his eyes.

“What?” Jinyoung breathed out, his hands leaving Mark’s hair to press up against his shoulders, pushing Mark off of him. His touch was gentle but Mark couldn’t think of anything that had could hurt more.

“I- uh-” The older boy stammered, stomach flipping as he sat back on his heels. He couldn’t quite believe himself that he had really said that. Mark watched, dumbfounded, as Jinyoung untangled their legs and sat up on the mattress. The younger boy refused to look at him, eyes downcast as he drew his knees up, hugging them to his chest. Mark knew then that Jinyoung didn’t feel the same and as the silence dragged on, panic flared up in him.

“Jinyoung, say something, talk to me.” Mark finally pleaded, unable to bear it anymore. He sounded frantic, even to his own ears, but Mark was too freaked out to care about that.

“What do you want me to say?” Jinyoung spat at him, tearing his eyes away from the bed sheets at last to look at Mark, his eyes frightened. “That I lo-” Jinyoung started before cutting himself off, choking over the word. “That I feel the same?” He corrected himself, his demanding tone causing Mark to flinch. In an ideal world, yes, Mark wanted Jinyoung to love him back but if he wasn’t ready yet Mark could wait, he’d wait years for Jinyoung. It wasn’t the fact he hadn’t said it back that hurt Mark the most, it was this reaction.

“No, of course-” Mark tried to assure him but Jinyoung didn’t want to hear it. He cut across Mark, voice high and words rushed.

“It’s too soon, we’ve only been dating for three months, if that, you can’t just-” Jinyoung stopped abruptly, working himself up into such a hysteria that he could no longer articulate himself. He was holding his head in his hands, pulling at the strands of his hair in a way that had Mark worried. It made him regret ever opening his mouth.

“Hey, hey, I’m sorry,.” Mark apologised, carefully edging closer to Jinyoung. “I wasn’t thinking.” Mark sighed, reaching out to his boyfriend to squeeze his arm reassuringly. The second he touched him Jinyoung jumped, shrinking further away from Mark. He let his hand fall back down to his side as his heart sank. They sat there like that on the bed for a few moments, tense and on edge. Jinyoung felt a million miles away, closed off from Mark and it made his heart clench painfully. He had laid his feelings out for Jinyoung, made himself vulnerable and the younger boy seemed almost disgusted by it. Mark never thought his heart could break like this.

“Can we just forget it?” Mark asked bitterly, sick of the silent treatment. He didn’t even care that Jinyoung clearly didn’t love him, he just wanted this whole night to be over and gone from his memory. Mark wanted them to move past this, he needed them to be able to get over this. Jinyoung eventually looked up at Mark, a frown on that gorgeous face of his.

“I can’t “just forget it”.” Jinyoung mocked, angrily tossing Mark’s plea back at him. Mark felt his stomach drop as Jinyoung scoffed, maneuvering himself off of the bed. “This changes everything.” Jinyoung bit, as he stood up on shaky legs, making his way towards the door. Stricken, Mark chased after him.

“Please don’t do this.” Mark begged, grabbing Jinyoung’s upper arm just before he reached the door. Jinyoung let Mark turn him around but roughly wrenched his arm from Mark’s hold.  

“Talk to me.” Mark urged softly, knowing this whole tough angry act, was simply that; an act. He didn’t know what was going on in Jinyoung’s head, but from the glassiness of his eyes he knew it ran deeper than superficial anger.

“You said we could take things slow, saying shit like that is anything but slow.” Jinyoung accused, his face had hardened but Mark could see the younger boy’s hands shaking by his sides.

“Shit like that?” Mark echoed, barely able to recognise the boy in front of him. “You make it sound so horrible. I said I loved you, Jinyoung.” Mark exclaimed in exasperation, his voice wobbling as he spoke. Jinyoung flinched at the word love, unable to look Mark in the eye.

“Yeah, well, I wish you hadn’t.” Jinyoung snapped back, the venom in his voice causing Mark to recoil. Was the idea of Mark loving him so unbearable to Jinyoung? If so, why give Mark false hope this whole time, why date him only to rip his heart out like this? This was not the man he loved, this was someone else, a stranger that Mark couldn’t stand to be near right now. Mark could spot a flicker of regret in Jinyoung’s eyes but it was too late, he was done being Jinyoung’s punching bag.

“You know what? Fuck this, I’m the one leaving.” Mark decided, shoving past an unresponsive Jinyoung to get to the door. “Come find me when you’ve grown the fuck up so we can talk about this like adults.” Mark said from the doorway, Jinyoung’s back his only audience. He made sure to slam the door behind him before Jinyoung could say anything back.

As Mark made his way to Jackson’s room he couldn’t quite quash the hope that Jinyoung would come running after him, taking it all back. It was a stupid and groundless hope. He made it to Jackson’s room without any interruption. Jackson answered after the first knock, concern written all over his face once he saw the state Mark was in. Mark was sure he was a sight to see.

“Jinyoung and I had fight, can I stay here?” Mark muttered before Jackson could ask. He could tell Jackson was curious but he was a good friend and knew when to ask questions and when to let things lie.

Jackson stepped aside, motioning for Mark to go ahead. Mark grunted out a thank, heading straight for the single bed in the middle of the room. Jackson joined him under the covers but stayed up a little longer, playing some game on his phone while Mark pretended to be asleep.

Eventually Jackson fell asleep, leaving Mark to stare up at the hotel ceiling all alone with his thoughts. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about Jinyoung. He wondered if the other boy was asleep back in their room, or whether he was just as restless. Mark tortured himself, replaying the way Jinyoung had looked at him in his mind. He had imagined telling Jinyoung that he loved him countless times, a far-off fantasy that had become more of a possibility once they had started dating. Mark had let himself toy with the idea of finally getting to tell Jinyoung just how much he meant to him a few times. He had wanted to wait for the right moment, wait until he was sure Jinyoung felt the same. Mark had wanted to be a hundred percent sure rather than letting his mouth run like he did. Jinyoung would probably break up with him and Mark couldn’t even really be mad at him. It wasn’t Jinyoung's fault he didn’t feel the same. It was Mark who had ruined everything with his stupid mouth.

Mark didn’t get a wink of sleep that night, his heart aching for a certain boy only rooms away.

***

Jinyoung tossed and turned all night long, eyes darting to the door every few minutes. He was waiting for a knock on the door, the keycard beeping, something, anything. Jinyoung wanted to see that familiar figure in the doorway, he wanted to be held and told everything was going to be ok. He never showed up, the door remained closed.

It was after the third ring of his alarm that Jinyoung decided he should drag himself out of bed and shower. He checked his phone, swiping away instagram notifications, hoping for that one contact to flash up on his screen. No texts, nothing. Maybe Jinyoung had to be the one that reached out first, that’s what Mark had said. What would Jinyoung even say? How could he possibly fix this? Jinyoung tossed his phone back onto the bed, trudging past Mark’s luggage on his way to the bathroom. Little pieces of him seemed to be found everywhere Jinyoung looked. A long shower was needed, maybe it’d help him think.

Jinyoung looked at himself in the huge bathroom mirror, and sighed. He looked like shit, his eyebrows pinched together in worry and dark bags under his eyes. He’d felt such a mix of emotions when Mark had confessed; shock, fear, confusion, and if Jinyoung was being honest with himself just a split second of happiness. Mark loved this mess he was looking at? Really? Jinyoung couldn’t fathom why.

As he turned on the shower and waited for the water to get warm he pondered what it really meant to be in love. All of his “relationships” in the past had been superficial at best, mostly centred around hooking up every once in a while when his schedule allowed for it. None of those attachments had ever really gone past that first physical attraction. The steam was soothing but wasn’t really helping him think. As he washed his hair slowly, taking longer than he really needed, Jinyoung tried to pick out some criteria for loving someone. Sure, he loved spending time with Mark, he could always make Jinyoung laugh, and he made the bad days better but was that enough? Were the pleasant butterflies, the racing heartbeat all symptoms of a stronger feeling than like? Saying that ominous L word, love, seemed like such a big step, making it more serious than it had been before. Yeah, sure, in their own little bubble, maybe it didn’t feel like the craziest thing, maybe it even felt natural but Jinyoung couldn’t ignore the very real world that was waiting for them. All the people that had no idea Mark and Jinyoung were romantically involved at all, most of which probably wouldn’t be supportive. Jinyoung didn’t think he could handle anyone else knowing right now, dealing with the members curious gazes were tough enough.

Still muddled, but feeling a little fresher at least, Jinyoung switched off the water and reached for a towel. He quickly wrapped it around his hips, grabbing a smaller one to towel his hair with. Jinyoung walked out of the bathroom, leaving a trail of water behind him. He made his way over to where his and Mark’s suitcases were sitting except he could only see his own now. Mark’s was gone. The older boy had clearly snuck in when Jinyoung was in the shower, taken it and ran. The sight of his suitcase sitting there alone pissed Jinyoung off more than he thought it would. Impulsively he grabbed his phone, opening his messages.

<09:08>

Me: So you sneak around our hotel room and take your stuff without talking to me but I’m the one who needs to grow the fuck up?

Jinyoung hit send without even thinking, realising how irrational he sounded but unable to make himself care. He stared at the screen impatiently, waiting for the tick signs to show that his message had been read. His irritation only grew once they appeared, ignoring the pool of water gathering at his feet. Jinyoung clenched his hand around the phone as the typing bubbles popped up and disappeared.

< 09: 11 >

Markie <3: thought youd want some space

Me: Coward.

Jinyoung threw his phone back down on the bed, the device bouncing off of the mattress onto the floor. Everyone knew what “space” meant, nothing good ever came of it. Maybe Mark was right, maybe space might give Jinyoung time to sort out his feelings but it wasn’t what he wanted.

He wanted Mark.

***

A whole day passed, and neither boy approached the other. They spent the day travelling and getting settled into another new city, and another fancy hotel. Mark could barely sleep, negative thoughts keeping him wide awake. The next day they had early rehearsals before the show. Mark could tell everyone in the group knew something was up, all of them exchanging anxious glances when they thought Mark wasn’t looking. Yugyeom was most obviously bothered by the tension, giving both Mark and Jinyoung the cold shoulder. It hurt Mark, but that was nothing compared to how visibly distraught Jinyoung was at having one of the kids completely ignore him. Jinyoung spent his day pestering Yugyeom, draping himself around the younger boy and offering to buy him food. Every time Yugyeom refused him, Jinyoung only became more desperate for his forgiveness. Mark had to quiet the envious voice in the back of his mind that wished Jinyoung would try as hard to get Mark’s attention.

By lunchtime, Mark found himself sitting sourly backstage, watching on while everyone else grabbed plates and filled them with food. Mark eyed Jinyoung’s back as he looked over the buffet with the others. In the end, Jinyoung walked away with a small, half-empty plate that had Mark frowning at him. The younger boy didn't even spare Mark a glance as he found a seat for himself, as far away from Mark as possible in the small dressing room. Once he'd settled himself Jinyoung kept his eyes on his plate. Mark stared him down, hoping against all odds that Jinyoung would look at him, just once. When a full minute had passed and Jinyoung remained resolute in his mission to not make eye contact Mark gave up. He couldn't take it anymore. Mark jumped up, tossing the water bottle he'd been toying with to the side. He was satisfied when the plastic hit against the wall hard, making a bang. Maybe that would grab Jinyoung’s attention. Mark didn’t even glance at Jinyoung as he stormed out, leaving the dressing room in a tense silence.

Mark ended up sitting among some of the sound equipment, trying his best to calm down. A part of him wished Jinyoung would come running after him, but another bigger part of him was afraid to face the younger boy. The angry texts the morning after, and the way Jinyoung was pretending Mark didn’t exist had him panicking. Jinyoung appeared unbothered by their fight, like he was already over it and over Mark.  

“Can I join you?” A voice from above Mark asked, causing him to tilt his head upwards. Youngjae was stood there, with a sympathetic smile and a plate in each hand.

“Please, do.” Mark sighed, scooching to the left of the box he’d been sitting on to give Youngjae some room to sit down.

“Here you go.” Youngjae murmured gently, practically pushing one of the two plates onto Mark’s lap. The older boy took it out of Youngjae’s hands but had no intention of eating any of it. He’d lost his appetite.

“Thanks, but I’m not hungry.” Mark frowned, leaving the plate to the side. Youngjae watched him with a disapproving pout, filling Mark with so much guilt he considered making himself eat.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Youngjae mumbled, keeping his voice low even though there was no one around. Mark was sure that Youngjae had been sent on some sort of recon mission to figure out how bad the fight really was and to check if Mark was ok. Jaebum's doing no doubt. They meant well but his failing relationship was the last thing he wanted to talk about.

“Nope.” Mark responded, ignoring Youngjae’s worried eyes as he pushed the food around on his plate.

“I’d rather hear about your love-life.” Mark suggested, trying his best to smile but it felt like more of a grimace. Youngjae was kind and didn’t push it, humouring Mark for the moment.

“There’s not much to say. We’ve been hanging out more, ever since I broke up with Charlie it’s like he refuses to leave me alone.” Youngjae scoffed, rolling his eyes as if it bothered him but Mark caught the fond smile that tugged at his lips and knew that Youngjae loved it.

“Just hanging out or dates ?” Mark cheekily asked, whispering the last word with a teasing tone. Youngjae seemed unimpressed with the insinuation, clamming up.

“Maybe I’ll tell you more if you tell me what’s going on with you guys.” Youngjae bargained, dashing Mark’s hopes of distracting him. He wasn’t going to give up anytime soon.  Mark looked away from Youngjae, glaring down at his untouched plate of food as his friend continued on. “Hey, I know some things are private, it’s just we’re all a little bit-”

“He’s going to break up with me.” Mark cut across Youngjae, the words heavy in his mouth. His friend sat there in shock, staring at Mark's gloomy profile.

"What? Why?" Youngjae questioned, his voice high from stress.

"I ruined everything. I was too intense and scared him off." Mark murmured bitterly, remembering the look on Jinyoung's face when he'd let those fateful words slip past his lips. “And we’ve been avoiding each other for like two days now. He’s going to break up with me, I know it. I just don’t know when.” Mark sighed, feeling more defeated and pitiful than he had in a long time.

“You don’t know that.” Youngjae murmured, trying to reassure him but even he didn’t seem convinced. Mark appreciated the gesture all the same, leaning into Youngjae as he put an arm around Mark’s shoulders, his sad eyes smiling at him.

"The next stop is LA, what if he breaks up with me in my own home?" Mark mused, the cynic in him showing its ugly head. Youngjae stiffened slightly beside him before squeezing Mark's shoulder.

“It’ll be ok.” Youngjae assured him, dodging the desolate question. Mark scoffed. “It will .” Youngjae pressed, injecting his words with a fervent confidence that seemed illogical to Mark.

***

Youngjae had been so wrong. They hadn’t even arrived at Mark’s house yet and he already regretted proposing that the group stay there instead of a hotel all those months ago. With each familiar suburban home their rented minivan cruised by Mark felt his dread increase. He had been so excited when the company had given the go-ahead for them to stay with his family. He’d missed them so much. Mark had been looking forward to some fun downtime with the people he cared the most about finally under one roof. That was gone now, all he could think about was how he and Jinyoung hadn’t spoken properly in three days.

The car journey was pretty quiet with most of the members dozing after the long flight, their manager was the only one fully alert at the steering wheel. Mark had sat up the front with him in case he’d need directing but so far the GPS hadn’t led them astray. He didn’t really need Mark to be awake and their manager said as much as they’d left the airport, eyeing the prominent bags under Mark’s eyes. However, he was too on edge to sleep. He couldn’t help himself, looking into the rearview mirror every few minutes, his eyes always falling onto one particular person. Jinyoung had stationed himself as far away from Mark as possible in the cramped van, choosing the very back seat that had next to no leg room. He was the only other member that wasn’t half-asleep, head bowed over a book. Reading normally relaxed Jinyoung but Mark could see that the younger’s face was dark, mouth turned down as he turned every page. Mark wondered how Jinyoung felt about all this. He hadn’t reacted when their manager had reminded them where they were staying, his face impassive but he hadn’t said a word to Mark yet either.

All too soon, they were pulling up outside Mark’s house with their manager yelling at them to wake up. Mark was the first to get out, jogging up his driveway to ring his doorbell. The others trudged up behind him, their manager helping them roll the suitcases up the path. Mark could hear some commotion behind the closed door and then it was suddenly open and he was being pulled into a tight hug. He held his mum close while she fussed over how much she missed him, and how skinny he’d gotten. His dad came up the rear, enveloping his arms around both of them. His dad worried less, showing he cared with physical affection and kind words. It was his dad who pulled away first turning to greet their guests. He simply shook their manager’s hand, taking one of the many suitcases off of him with a smile.

The manager went back to the car to get the rest of their stuff, while Mark’s dad turned to the other boys hugging them one by one. It was as if when Mark had officially joined the group his dad had also officially adopted six other boys as his sons. He even went as far as encouraging them all to call him dad, no matter how awkward it used to make them feel in the early days. Now it was just normal.

BamBam especially loved the attention, having lost his own father at such a young age. Mark noticed how his dad made sure to dote on BamBam a little more than the rest, praising his English and treating him to meals out when they’d visit Mark in Korea. Mark watched with his mum by his side, her two arms looped around his elbow, as his dad tried following some convoluted handshake BamBam had devised.  Mark was proud of how big his dad’s heart was, how open and welcoming he was but sometimes it got Mark in trouble.

“Ah, and at last!” His dad exclaimed, turning to Jinyoung who’d been standing a little off to the side. “My son-in-law!” The older man enthused, pulling a stiff Jinyoung into a firm hug.

“Dad,” Mark complained, watching as a visibly uncomfortable Jinyoung patted the older man’s back. His mum shushed him gently, misreading Mark’s discomfort as embarrassment.

“It’s been a long-time coming, huh?” His dad said, pulling away from Jinyoung only to throw an arm over his shoulder. “Mark’s had this crush -”

“Ok!” Mark interrupted loudly, cutting his loose-lipped father off before he could get Mark in even more trouble. “When’s the party happening? Tonight?” Mark asked, hoping that the stress of event-planning would distract his mum into go mode. Whenever Mark came back to LA his parents would always throw a massive party, inviting all their family members, neighbours and Mark’s high school friends. It was supposed to be a chill get-together but his mum treated it like a royal wedding.

“Oh, god no!” His mum squeaked, looking at Mark like he had lost his mind. “I still have so much to do, like sweeping the patio and washing the good dishes and all the cooking, goodness.” His mum rambled, distracting both herself and her husband for the moment, saving Mark from further awkwardness.

“Tomorrow, son,” His dad answered him, his arm still wrapped around a tense Jinyoung. “We knew you’d all probably be wrecked from your flight, so it’s just a homemade dinner with us tonight.” His dad beamed, the other boys nodding at him gratefully. Even Mark was starting to feel the exhaustion of travelling kick in.

Their manager had finished unpacking the car, and was standing beside Jaebum waiting for his chance to excuse himself. After a quick goodbye and a reminder to be good, he was driving away in the van leaving the boys to haul their own suitcases into Mark’s hallway.

“Ok, so you and Jinyoung will be taking your old room,” His dad explained, addressing Mark as he closed the front door behind everyone. Jinyoung looked ready to speak up about the room situation but Mark’s dad was quick to wave him off. “We’re not old-fashioned Jinyoung, we know you boys would want some alone time.” His dad winked, patting a spluttering Jinyoung heartily on the back.

“I’ll kill you.” Mark threatened sulkily, just as embarrassed as Jinyoung. His dad simply laughed in his face, ushering them both towards the stairs. Jinyoung joined Mark’s side, avoiding eye contact as he dragged his suitcase with him. God, it was going to be a long night. No one paid any attention to them as they silently made their way upstairs, Mark taking the lead. He stopped outside his old bedroom door, the wonky handwritten sign he’d made when he was eight still hanging up.

“This is us.” Mark joked, pushing the door open and shuffling inside as an unresponsive Jinyoung followed behind him. The room looked the same way he’d left it last, when he was there about a year or so ago. Band posters and photos from high school still hung above the small double bed in the centre of the room, the shelves were full of cds and junk he’d never got the chance to get rid of.

At the sound of the door clicking shut Mark turned around to face Jinyoung. The other boy was standing close to the door, like he was ready to escape at any moment. Mark felt the atmosphere shift, like he was in a pressure-cooker, just waiting for things to boil over. Jinyoung was staring at one of the many skateboards resting against the wall, as if he was all alone in the room.

“Jinyoung-”

“When were you going to tell me they knew?” Jinyoung interrupted, his words sharp and voice cutting. Mark took a deep breath, steeling himself before he answered.

“I didn’t think you’d have a problem with it. I tell them everything.” Mark explained, trying to keep his composure in the hopes that maybe they could actually resolve things.

“Oh, that must be nice.” Jinyoung scoffed, the bitterness in his tone confusing Mark.

“Look, I’m sorry I should’ve said something, I wasn’t thinking.” Mark apologised, taking a tentative step towards Jinyoung. The younger boy’s eyes snapped up to stare at Mark, pinning him in place.   

“Yeah, well you’ve been doing that a lot lately, haven’t you? Acting without thinking.” Jinyoung accused, crossing his arms defensively in front of his chest. Mark didn’t know what to think. Jinyoung’s whole attitude was aggressive like he wanted another fight but his eyes were shining, and his voice was no longer hard but wavering.

“If I could take it back, I would.” Mark sighed, watching dismayed as Jinyoung’s face twisted in annoyance. There seemed to be no winning with him.

“How do I fix this?” Mark finally asked, not even caring how desperate he sounded, he was more afraid Jinyoung would say there was no way of fixing things. The other boy was silent, eyes staring off to the side again. Mark waited, breath caught in his throat, for anything, any sign that they could make it work.

“Boys! Dinner’s ready!” His mum called up the stairs, the sound making Jinyoung startle.

“One minute!” Mark yelled back, eyes never leaving Jinyoung. He could hear the floorboards creaking as the other members made their way downstairs.

“You should go, they’re waiting.” Jinyoung finally said, eyes downcast as he shuffled away from the door.

“You’re not joining us?” Mark questioned, knowing what kind of answer he'd get. Jinyoung just shook his head. Mark stared at him expectantly, waiting.

“I don’t feel well.” He finally mumbled. Mark didn't believe it for a second but he wasn't bothered to argue over it now.

“Ok fine, take a nap, or whatever. Bed's all yours." Mark grunted, scoffing as he passed Jinyoung. He made sure to slam the door on his way out in a show of defiance.

***

Jinyoung didn't sleep the whole time Mark was downstairs. Right after Mark had left he sat himself on the double bed, over the sheets just staring at the wall. He doesn't know how much time passed before he realised he was crying, his breath catching in his throat, his face wet. The realisation only seemed make him more emotional, full sobs wracking his body as he tried to dry his cheeks. Jinyoung felt stupid, sitting there, rubbing his eyes while he could hear the others all chattering downstairs. Their laughter wafted up to Jinyoung, making his heartache only more apparent.

Eventually he gave into the tiredness of traveling and curled himself up under the sheets. He pressed his red eyes shut, desperate for sleep to take hold. No matter how hard his body was or how much he tied to empty his mind Jinyoung just couldn't slip into a slumber. The fight kept replaying over in his head, the very first one that had caused all of this. In his minds eye he could see Mark's face gazing down at him with that loving, glazed over look. How different, the way Mark looked at him now. Jinyoung deserved that, he couldn't even say he loved Mark back. What else did he expect?

Meeting Mark's family as his boyfriend had only made things worse. It reminded Jinyoung of their Christmas break with his family, back when they were still keeping their relationship a secret from their members. The way Mark's dad had called him "Son in Law" so easily, like it was the most natural thing in the world, had Jinyoung stomach churning with guilt. Jinyoung's family would never be able to welcome Mark into their lives like that, not if they knew the truth. They'd only ever accept him as Jinyoung's friend or colleague even if they knew how much Mark meant to Jinyoung.

The sun went down, the room darkening but Jinyoung wasn't bothered to turn on the bedside lamp. Maybe the lack of light would make him fall asleep at last. Not long after the sun had left did Jinyoung heard the door creaking open in the dark. He slammed his eyes shut, evening out his breathing in the hopes that whoever was there would believe he was asleep.

"Jinyoung?" Mark called into the room, voice soft like he was afraid to wake him. Jinyoung didn't respond, trying his best to relax into the mattress. After a beat of silence Mark shuffled into the room, leaving the door open. He moved around in the dark, Jinyoung listening as Mark unzipped his bag. He heard the older boy walking out of  the room again and assumed he was going to find somewhere else to sleep. Jinyoung was torn between the feeling of relief at having avoided another fight and the disappointment of sleeping alone. There was a huge part of him that just wanted Mark to cuddle up to him as if nothing had happened. He knew it wouldn't be that easy.

Only a few moments later the door was opening again and Mark was back. Jinyoung waited with bated breath to see if Mark would crawl into bed and lay bedside him. The older boy continued to quietly root through his things while Jinyoung's mind raced. He could hear footfalls coming closer to the bed and tried to act as naturally as he could. Mark stopped by the empty side of the bed, but the sheet didn't move. Instead, Jinyoung heard the pillow beside his head being picked up off of the bed and Mark settling himself on the floor with a grunt. Before he could talk himself out of it, Jinyoung spoke up.

"Don't sleep there, you'll hurt your back." Jinyoung whispered, the quiet room carrying his voice. He knew Mark had heard him, the sounds of the older boy shifting around stopping abruptly.

"What?"

"It's a big bed, there's room for us both." Jinyoung responded, trying to sound as nonchalant as he could but failing miserably. Mark was quiet for too long, making Jinyoung regret ever opening his mouth. He was about to pretend he was asleep and had never said a word when Mark finally replied.

"Are you sure?" He sounded tentative, as if Jinyoung was really just playing with him.

"Just get up here." Jinyoung said exasperatedly, scooting as far on his side as he could to give Mark room. After another pause, Mark climbed into bed his body barely visible in the dark room. The bed suddenly wasn't so big with another person in it. Mark seemed simultaneously too far away and far too close. Jinyoung turned his back to him, but he could still feel Mark's warmth radiating across the mattress. They both seemed afraid to make too much noise, or to move too quickly, careful as they lay there. Jinyoung would never get any sleep like this; with Mark just a few centimetres away but out of his reach.

***

Eventually they both passed out, the toll of tour weighing their eye-lids down. Jinyoung's sleep was a restless one, waking up long before Mark. He opened his eyes to Mark's peaceful sleeping face and forgot for a moment that anything was wrong. For a second, it was just another day that Jinyoung was lucky enough to wake up with Mark by his side. The aching behind his eyes, a tell-tale sign he'd been crying, was a harsh reminder that nothing had been resolved. He forced himself to turn away from Mark, checking the time on his phone: 6am.

No one should be up, maybe he could go on a walk, clear his thoughts. With one last lingering look at Mark's peaceful face Jinyoung shoved himself out of bed. He didn't bother getting dressed or finding any shoes, just planning to wander around the Tuan's garden. From what he remembered it was huge, it even had a pool and a barbecue set-up. Jinyoung carefully treded through the quiet house, down the stairs and towards the kitchen. The sun was already up and slanting through the French doors onto the kitchen tiles. Jinyoung cracked open the doors, inhaling the fresh LA air as he stepped out onto the patio. He was strolling around the pool when a voice startled him nearly causing him to topple into the cold water.

"What are you doing up son?"

Mark's dad was sitting on one of the lawn chairs, a book in one hand as he smiled curiously up at Jinyoung.

"Mr. Tuan, oh, sorry I didn't-" Jinyoung stuttered, doing his best to apologize.

"That's Dad to you." The older man scolded lightly, amusement twinkling in his eyes.

"Sorry, Dad, I, uh, woke up and couldn't get back to sleep, must be jet lag." Jinyoung shrugged sheepishly, embarrassed at being caught out by Mark's own dad. "How about you?" Jinyoung asked, walking towards the older man. He motioned for Jinyoung to take the empty chair beside him, discarding the book he'd been reading.

"Early riser. Just a habit over the years."

Jinyoung sat beside him, watching the older man's profile as he stared out over the garden. He wasn't sure whether he should try to make small talk or excuse himself back to bed so he waited for Mark's dad to speak first.

"Are you feeling any better?" The older man suddenly asked, catching Jinyoung off guard.

"What?"

"Mark said you were feeling sick last night," He explained, eyeing Jinyoung as he attempted to recover.

"Oh, yeah, I just needed some rest." Jinyoung assured him, the lie falling flat even to his own ears. Mark's dad didn't question him though, humming as he stared back out across the pool's surface. Jinyoung joined him,  following a leaf as the wind floated it down towards the other end of the pool.

"I actually wanted to apologize." The older man said thoughtfully, surprising Jinyoung once more at where the conversation was going. He was about to protest but Mark's dad shushed him fondly before continuing.

"I can get too excited about things, I get ahead of myself. I didn't mean to overwhelm you yesterday, and I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I'm just so happy that you're both happy, do you understand?" Mark's dad asked, looking genuinely worried that he had upset Jinyoung. He was staring at Jinyoung almost pleadingly, when he'd done nothing wrong. Jinyoung was speechless, the guilt of making Mark's dad look like that stealing all of his words.

"That wasn't the case at all, Mr.Tuan." Jinyoung started, receiving a disapproving frown from the older man. "Dad," Jinyoung corrected himself, leaning across his chair to reach out to the older man. "You have nothing to apologize for. You always make us all feel like part of the family and that's what we love about you." Jinyoung reassured him, squeezing the older man's hand gently. Mark's dad was beaming at him, all that previous worry erased from his features gone. He looked more like himself.

"Were you always so accepting of it?" Jinyoung asked, cringing at his less than delicate wording of the question. He half expected a chastisement for asking such a personal question. When he glanced up at Mark's dad, he wasn't mad but pensive, thinking over his words before he spoke.

"By 'it' I assume you mean Mark's other boyfriends?" He clarified, bemused by Jinyoung's struggle to articulate himself. Jinyoung shyly nodded, encouraging Mark's dad to continue.

"I don't know if he's told you, but he cried when he told us." The older man paused, staring thoughtfully at the shrubbery around them. His eyes looked far-away, like he was back in that moment. "Sobbed, like his whole world was about to come crashing down. I'd never seen him look that afraid and I don't ever want to see it again." He shuddered, frowning at the memory. Jinyoung could picture a younger Mark tearful and shaking as he opened up to his parents. The image filled him with a desire to protect Mark from all the bad in the world.  "The kid was scared we'd disown him, kick him out of the house or something. It broke my heart. I love him with every fiber in my being, how could he possibly think I'd ever give him up over something as trivial as who he dates." Mark's dad shook his head, eyes finally drifting back to a quiet Jinyoung.

The younger boy was lost in his own thoughts. Jinyoung had forgotten that Mark had once been in a similar position to himself. There had been a time when no one knew, a time when Mark had to live with a secret too. Mark had gone through it all by myself, having to face those first hurdles on his own. It made Jinyoung glad he had Mark by his side when they'd told first told Jaebum and Youngjae and then the rest of the group.

"My parents wouldn't have the same outlook," Jinyoung mumbled, breaking the silence that had developed.

"People will always surprise you." Mark's dad murmured, sitting up to pat Jinyoung on the back. Jinyoung tried to push down all the negative thoughts that were brewing, threatening to bubble up and out of his mind. Mark's dad must've sensed his despondency as he continued. 

"And I know it's not the same, but you've made your own little family over the years with those six other boys. You've always got them. They know and they love you regardless." The older man reminded him, dragging a genuine smile out of Jinyoung. 

***

Jinyoung went back to bed shortly after his talk with Mark's dad. Mark was still sound asleep, curled in on himself. Jinyoung almost felt cruel waking him up so early but they needed to talk. He couldn't put it off any longer, if he waited for Mark to wake up by himself Jinyoung might just lose his nerve. So he climbed onto the bed, sitting up beside Mark. He leaned over and gently shook the older boy's shoulder. Mark groaned in his sleep, nuzzling his face into his pillow unwilling to get up. Jinyoung kept shaking him until he saw Mark's eyes flutter open and stare up at him blearily. 

"Is mum calling us for breakfast?" Mark croaked, the raspiness in his voice raspy causing Jinyoung's heart to stutter in his chest.

"No, I just thought we should talk." Jinyoung murmured, drawing back to sit on his heels. Mark only then seemed to catch on to what was going on, quickly sitting up against the headboard. He looked nervous as he rubbed at his eyes, his face still puffy from sleep.

"Ok." Mark whispered, clearing his throat as quietly as he could. He eyed Jinyoung, waiting with trepidation for him to speak first.

"I want to start by saying I'm sorry. I shouldn't have treated you like that, it just caught me off guard." Jinyoung murmured, hoping he sounded sincere. Mark seemed surprised by the apology, his eyes slightly widening at the word "sorry".

"There's a lot of things I've been worrying over that I haven't talked to you about and it all just came to a head when you said-" Jinyoung stopped, unable to say those three words that Mark had said.

"I love you." Mark finished for him, unfazed. Jinyoung on the other hand felt flustered, unable to maintain eye contact.

"Um, yes." Jinyoung squeaked, regathering his thoughts. "It just all seems so fast for me. I haven't even told my parents about us and I don't know if I ever could. They wouldn't understand and I don't want to lose them," Jinyoung said, finally putting everything out into the open. Mark had a defeated look in his eyes as he nodded his head at Jinyoung's words. He was no longer looking at Jinyoung but down at his lap.

"But I don't want to lose you either." Jinyoung confessed, his heart pounding in his chest. Mark's head shot up, eyes glistening as he stared at Jinyoung in disbelief. Jinyoung shuffled closer on the bed, so he could reach out and take one of Mark's hands in his.

"I honestly have no experience with all this love stuff but how I feel about you feels an awful lot like love." Jinyoung murmured, shy all of sudden despite everything. He kept his eyes trained on their hands as he spoke, too nervous to look at Mark's face. "I can't say it back right away and I know it's unfair of me to ask for you to wait but I want this to work. I want to be with you, Mark. If you'll have me." Jinyoung said, smiling sheepishly up at his boyfriend. Mark seemed speechless, gazing back at Jinyoung in wonder with shining eyes.

"Come here." Mark whispered, tugging at Jinyoung's hand.

Jinyoung let himself be pulled over until he was practically sitting in Mark's lap. The older boy curled his arms around Jinyoung's waist, pulling him into a hug. Mark buried his face in Jinyoung's neck, as the younger boy settled his legs either side of Mark's hips. Jinyoung wrapped his own arms around Mark's shoulder, squeezing him tight. He missed this, missed the feeling of Mark's arms keeping him close and the smell of his shampoo. They just held each other like that for a few moments, breathing each other in.

Jinyoung only pulled away when he heard the first sniffle. Mark quickly turned away but Jinyoung still saw the glassy eyes and the streaks down Mark's cheeks. Jinyoung cupped the older boy's face in his hands, forcing Mark to look at him. Mark's cheeks were red from a combination of his tears and his embarrassment. Mark wasn't one to cry very easily. Jinyoung wiped away the last few tears as Mark peered up at him, his hands still securely around Jinyoung's waist.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm happy." Mark mumbled, his words coming out all funny. Jinyoung cocked his head to the side in confusion. "I thought you were going to break up with me." Mark blubbered, a few more tears escaping his eyes.

Jinyoung's heart ached at the sight, causing him to lean in and do something he'd wanted to do for days. He kissed Mark, pressing his lips softly against the older boy's. Mark's face was wet from all of his tears and they both had morning breath but neither of them cared. It felt like a weight had been lifted off both of their shoulders. Jinyoung felt like he could finally breathe again, his body relaxing into Mark's touch.

When they eventually separated for air, Jinyoung swooped down to press a chaste kiss to Mark's forehead. The older boy became shy once more, sticking his face in the crook of  Jinyoung's neck again. Jinyoung let him, running his hands through Mark's hair as they just sat there holding each other. With Mark in his arms, everything felt right with the world again.

Chapter Text

Jaebum watched in disbelief as Mark dodged Jinyoung for the third time that day, taking a seat on one of the couches while everyone else headed to the buffet laid out backstage for them. Jinyoung wasn’t much better as he spent most of rehearsal purposefully standing as far away from Mark as he could, completely throwing everyone off as a result. Jinyoung refused to comply until their choreographer scolded him in front of the whole crew. Jinyoung had apologised, dutifully moving back into position, but discomfort still hung over the group. Even Yugyeom’s movements appeared stilted, causing their choreographer to call for lunch early.

Jaebum apologised as the rest solemnly bowed their heads, the choreographer simply requesting that they loosen up. Jaebum made sure to give both Mark and Jinyoung a warning look as the group dispersed. Jinyoung ignored him entirely, as expected. Mark had the decency to look a little sheepish, at least. Jaebum’s hope for some sort of reconciliation over lunch was pretty much dashed once they stepped into the green room.

Mark’s eyes were burning holes into Jinyoung’s back as the younger boy dryly surveyed the food in front of him, however, the older boy made no move to approach Jinyoung. Jaebum watched as Jinyoung picked out stuff at random, sighing to himself, before walking away with a half-empty plate. Jinyoung was Jaebum’s last hope. Maybe he would be the one to cave, to swallow his pride and sit beside Mark but no. Jinyoung ignored the couch and Mark as if they didn’t even exist, choosing to sit on a stool in the very opposite corner of the room.

Jinyoung became absorbed in his rice, tossing it around on the paper plate but Jaebum could see his whole body was on high alert. Mark was still staring at Jinyoung, his irritation only seeming to grow as the seconds ticked by. His frustration was bubbling to the surface, cracking the carefully constructed composure Mark prided himself on. Jaebum knew him: he was sensitive whether he liked to admit that to himself or not. Even when he was mad, he was always closer to tears than rage. Jaebum’s eyes darted between the pair, just waiting for the rubber band of tension between them to snap.

Mark broke first, bursting out in a flurry of movement as he stood up and stormed out of the room. A loud bang accompanied his exit as he threw the plastic bottle he had been toying with at the wall. They all flinched at the sound, everyone’s eyes wandering towards Jinyoung in his corner. Jinyoung was glaring at the scratch Mark had left on the wall, paying the rest of the group no heed.

They were all put off by the fight, Yugyeom especially, but the loud sound set Jaebum on edge in a way he hadn’t anticipated. His skin prickled from the sheer aggression behind it, his heart rate picking up as if he was the one who had thrown it. Jaebum felt trapped, frozen in front of the food-laden table, feeling stupid for getting so worked up over a noise.

However, a careful hand on the small of his back stabilised Jaebum, centring him a little so he didn’t feel quite so shaky. He knew who it was without having to look up. After all, who else would it be?

“You ok?” Youngjae murmured in Jaebum’s ear, the hand on his back starting to rub circles into Jaebum’s tense spine. It was inevitable that Jaebum would melt under Youngjae’s touch, his shoulders dropping and his hands relaxing their hold on his paper plate. He never realised just how tense he was until Youngjae eased him out of it and only then would Jaebum feel the tell-tale strain of stress on his muscles. He decided to be honest and shrug.

Youngjae instantly leaned into him, resting his head on Jaebum’s shoulder. The older boy was uncomfortably aware of all the people milling around them. Were they looking at them? Did they think something weird was going on? It made Jaebum want to curl up and pull away but he forced himself to stay. It felt too nice to have Youngjae so close.

Jaebum slid his eyes shut, allowing himself to regulate his breathing. It took only a minute of Youngjae by his side for Jaebum’s heart to stop hammering in his chest. Jaebum let out a heavy sigh, pushing off the exhaustion he could feel creeping over his whole body.

“Better?” Youngjae asked, wrapping his arm around Jaebum’s waist and squeezing. Jaebum hummed in response, resting his head on top of Youngjae’s, the younger boy’s soft hair tickling his cheek.

“I should probably talk to ‘Nyoungie and Mark about this, find out what’s up.” Jaebum groaned, imagining how they’d no doubt rebuke any attempt at meddling. He was half-tempted to leave them to their own devices but things seemed to only be getting worse and they could all sense it which only put the entire group on edge.

“I can check on Mark if you want?” Youngjae offered, snaking his other arm around Jaebum’s torso so they were in a make-shift side hug.

“You’re the best.”

“I know.” Youngjae giggled, the sound making Jaebum smile despite the fact that Youngjae’s suggestion meant he would be letting go of Jaebum. The trade-off was that as Youngjae stepped back he beamed up at Jaebum, his cheeks bunching up under his eyes. The sight made Jaebum wonder what it would be like to reach out and poke his cheek, test it to see if it was as soft as it looked. 

“Don’t forget to bring him some food, I can’t remember the last time I saw that idiot eat.” Jaebum muttered gruffly, pushing down the urge to reach out to Youngjae.  Jaebum twisted around, ready to walk away, but he was stopped in his tracks by a firm hand wrapped around his arm.

“Help me pick out something nice for him first.” Youngjae grinned, his hand sliding down to twist his fingers around Jaebum’s.  Youngjae pulled Jaebum back to his side, holding Jaebum’s hand the whole time as he filled a plate for Mark and himself. Jaebum felt his ears burning, unable to stop himself from checking if anyone was watching them. Everyone appeared to be preoccupied, the staff barely paid them any mind while he knew the group were used to it.  Jaebum tried to will the embarrassed heat out of his face but Youngjae seemed to have other ideas. In the middle of commenting on the options in front of them he casually held out a pastry for Jaebum to eat. The gesture, had it been done in private, would have made Jaebum just continue to fall harder but with curious eyes around them? His skin prickled uneasily despite how much he tried to ignore it.

“I can feed myself, go to Mark.” Jaebum grunted, turning his face away and picking up the two plates for Youngjae while the younger boy huffed. He pushed the two plates into the younger boy’s waiting hands but still Youngjae wouldn’t leave his side. He was staring at Jaebum like he was searching for something, or waiting. Jaebum wanted to pull Youngjae closer, maybe place a goodbye kiss on those cute cheeks of his before letting him go find Mark. The mere thought of it made his stomach do a little flip.  

“Well, go on.” Jaebum encouraged, looking away as he made a “shoo-ing” motion with his hands.

 “Ok, ok,” Youngjae finally conceded, turning to walk away. He waited until he was half-way across the room to call over his shoulder to Jaebum, wishing him good luck. Jaebum waved him off, staring for longer than was really necessary at Youngjae’s retreating back, indulging himself before he had to face Jinyoung.

Said boy was currently stabbing at his food with more force than was really needed for vegetables. Jaebum eyed him apprehensively, rethinking how much he really wanted to get involved in all of this, not that he had much choice anyway. Resolving spats like this was pretty much part of his job description.

Jaebum loved Jinyoung, he really did, he was like the younger brother Jaebum never had. Jinyoung had been there for him when Jaebum had refused to let anyone get too close but when Jinyoung got like this, when Jinyoung was the one to close himself off, it was nearly impossible to walk away unscathed. Jinyoung struggled to locate his anger, often throwing it at anyone foolish enough to walk into the line of fire. That’s exactly what Jaebum was doing by choosing to approach Jinyoung at a time like this. Resigning himself to his fate, Jaebum walked towards Jinyoung who had decided to leave his food alone for a while to instead glare down at his phone. Jaebum could feel his other members’ eyes on him as he cleared his throat to alert Jinyoung to his presence. As Jaebum made his way over to Jinyoung he braced himself for the worst. 

“Hey ‘Nyoungie,” Jaebum began, pulling up a chair so he could sit in front of his friend. Jinyoung’s glare was immediately directed at Jaebum, the younger boy’s defences up as he scrutinized his friend. “Everything alright?” Jaebum asked carefully, attempting a tiptoe-around-the-topic approach first. 

“You know it isn’t.” Jinyoung deadpanned, his tone almost confused and questioning. “That’s why you’re here, it’s why you sent your little boyfriend off to check on mine.” Jinyoung scoffed as if he resented Jaebum’s mere existence. He was trying to start a fight, mask his pain behind a big screaming match like the old days. Jaebum could see it, could see how it wasn’t anger that darkened his eyes but hurt. Over the years Jaebum had become adept at cooling Jinyoung down but the dig at Youngjae and the implication it held caught Jaebum off guard, causing him to falter. “Am I wrong?” Jinyoung demanded, looking far too satisfied with himself. He knew he had hit a nerve.

“Youngjae isn’t-” Jaebum stuttered, falling for the bait.

“Oh, spare me. I have eyes.” 

“Stop trying to change the subject.” Jaebum ordered, his words sounding more like a plea even to his own ears.

“How about you stop lying to yourself.” Jinyoung snapped, twisting Jaebum’s words around only to throw them back in his face. “We all know you want to be with him but you’re too much of a coward to do anything about it.” Jinyoung accused, his voice dangerously loud considering their current company. Jaebum was painfully aware of all the staff milling around, never mind the members who he knew were listening in. He could only pray that Youngjae was off somewhere far way with Mark.

“Jinyoung-” Jaebum warned, but Jinyoung didn’t care for reason, ready to make Jaebum regret ever walking over here.  

“You’re too afraid of how it will look, what people will think. So fucking afraid.” Jinyoung spat through trembling lips, his hands just as shaky and his eyes glassy with unshed tears. Jaebum felt powerless, just letting Jinyoung continue with his tirade. It wasn’t like Jinyoung was wrong. He had a point. A part of Jaebum wondered how much this was actually directed at him.“You’re afraid of us, of strangers on the street, your parents-” 

“Jinyoung! That’s enough.” Jackson cut in sternly, his voice booming with a seniority he rarely had to use. Jaebum and Jinyoung both jumped at the loud voice suddenly so close. He hadn’t even heard Jackson heading towards them. Jinyoung had captivated his full attention, leaving Jaebum almost paralyzed with shock. Jinyoung looked as shaken as Jaebum felt, round, horrified eyes staring at Jaebum in disbelief, like he had been watching his breakdown happen outside of himself.  

“It’s fine. It’s not like he’s wrong.” Jaebum shrugged, forcing a watery smile as if Jinyoung hadn’t just verbally torn him apart in front of everyone. Jinyoung was shaking his head at Jaebum, leaning forward like he wanted to reach out and touch him. The older boy reeled back automatically, feeling slight guilt at the panic in Jinyoung’s eyes.

Jaebum could tell that Jackson was side-eyeing him, waiting to see if it would escalate but Jaebum didn’t have it in him. Even if he wanted to fight back it was the last thing the group needed. So, Jaebum did what he had to: he took a deep breath and looked Jinyoung square in the face. 

“We’re both cowards, but I fucking need us to get through this tour as a group, no matter whatever the hell else is going on. Lash out at me all you want, I can take it, just don’t tear this group apart.” Jaebum ordered, his voice calmer than he felt.

He made sure Jinyoung understood before standing up and walking around the chairs. BamBam and Yugyeom were staring at him from their place on the couch, wide-eyed and uncertain, like they anticipated a telling-off too. He did his best to smile at them, and hopefully reassure them that everything wasn’t as much of a mess as it was.

“Jaebum.”

He knew how Jinyoung’s face must look; his eyes would be round and pained while his lip would be wobbling. It made him want to turn around and comfort him but Jaebum was barely keeping his shit together himself.

“Back to rehearsal in ten.” Jaebum spoke over him, cutting off whatever else Jinyoung had to say. It made Jaebum feel like shit, seeing one of his best friends break down like that, but he needed to get out of there and let himself breathe.

It was embarrassing to admit but Jaebum spent most of those ten minutes searching for Youngjae. He was forced to give up, the anxiety in his chest restricting his breathing too much. Jaebum crouched down by himself instead, breathing shallowly through his mouth. All too soon a staff member was prodding his shoulder, telling him rehearsal had already started.

***

It wasn’t until hours later that Jaebum was able to relax properly, take a longer shower and wipe off all of the makeup the staff had piled on. The tiredness really started to catch up with him as he got through their rigorous skin care regime. His eyelids kept drooping, threatening to stay closed as he rubbed endless lotions and serums into his skin. Jaebum eventually emerged from the steamy bathroom, towel hanging over his head, obscuring his view so he could only see the carpet under his feet.

“You have a visitor.” BamBam sing-songed from somewhere in the room, giving Jaebum a fright.

He had expected his roommate to already be passed out considering how long he had taken in the shower. Jaebum had half-suspected Jinyoung to show up at some point with his tail between his legs but not this late. It was a pleasant surprise to pull his towel off and find Youngjae sitting beside BamBam, a small smile on his face.

“What are you doing here?” Jaebum blurted out, careless as ever. Youngjae’s smile only faltered for a second but BamBam was more transparent, staring at Jaebum like he couldn’t believe the elder’s stupidity. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, you just caught me off guard is all,” Jaebum rushed, fumbling his words.

“That’s ok. I just wanted to fill you in on what Mark told me earlier. And see if you’d had any luck with Jinyoung.” Youngjae shrugged, seemingly taking no offense to how badly Jaebum had misspoke. He looked ready for bed himself, drowning in one of those oversized hoodies he always slept in, his face clean of any trace of makeup. “Although, I didn’t think your beauty routine took this long,” Youngjae teased, bemusedly eyeing the water droplets making their way down Jaebum’s face. He smiled in spite of everything, childishly sticking his tongue out at Jaebum. Jaebum reminded him they all had to commit to the same rigamarole of endless cleansing and moisturising yet it seemed to fall on deaf but amused ears.

“So, he seems to think Jinyoung is going to break up with him but I just don’t see that happening.” Youngjae sighed, teeth worrying at his bottom lip despite his confident tone. Jaebum hummed in agreement as he sat himself down, rubbing his head with the towel around his shoulders. A stiff, uncertain silence fell over the three of them before Youngjae cleared his throat and asked the one question Jaebum had been dreading. “What did Jinyoung have to say?”

“A lot.” BamBam snorted, earning himself a pointed glare from Jaebum. Youngjae glanced between the two of them, somewhat confused but mostly concerned.

“It’s nothing,” Jaebum assured Youngjae, ignoring how BamBam snorted obnoxiously once again. “He just didn’t want to talk about him and Mark.” Jaebum tried, meeting Youngjae’s unconvinced gaze.

“Oh, but he sure had a lot to say about hyung.” BamBam interjected sarcastically, speaking as if Jaebum wasn’t even there. They both ignored his exclamations of protest from across the room as BamBam elaborated. “He’s trying to play it down but we all know how harsh Jinyoung can be.” BamBam grimaced, Youngjae nodding solemnly in response.

“What did he say exactly?”

“Hyung?” BamBam prompted, smiling slyly over at Jaebum as the older boy glared back at him.

“Nothing that’s not true.” Jaebum answered, vague but honest. It might have been cruel for Jinyoung to expose Jaebum in front of everyone but that didn’t take away from the fact that Jinyoung had been right.

“Like what?” Youngjae challenged, sounding far more affronted on Jaebum’s behalf than he really deserved. Youngjae’s eyes darted between BamBam and Jaebum for answers but neither of them were paying him much heed. They were too busy staring each other down. A few words and BamBam could out Jaebum and his feelings and then what would he do? Claim BamBam was lying? Just messing around? Jaebum saw BamBam weighing up his own options in his head, settling on an idea with a smile and immediately turning to Youngjae. Jaebum’s heart flew up into his throat, his hands unconsciously clenching into fists as he readied himself to shout down whatever BamBam was about to say.

“Maybe hyung will talk more freely if I leave you two alone. I’ll go see what Gyeom’s up to. See ya later.” BamBam grinned, jumping up, grabbing his phone and heading out. He made sure to give Jaebum a pointed look as he rushed past him. The hotel door clicked shut but neither of them spoke. Jaebum vaguely wondered if he could just change the topic or maybe think of a lie good enough to satisfy Youngjae.

“What the hell is going on?” Youngjae complained, plopping himself down beside Jaebum. He practically sat on Jaebum, arms pressed up against each other, Youngjae’s knee poking Jaebum’s thigh.

“Nothing, it doesn’t matter. BamBam’s just being overdramatic like usual.” Jaebum grumbled, studying his bruised knees. It’s not as if hadn’t expected Youngjae to bring it up at some point but he had been hoping to push it off for at least another day. He really wasn’t in the mood to relive his encounter with Jinyoung all over again so soon. Jaebum just wanted to crawl into bed and hopefully wake up to all his friends getting along like they used to. Youngjae was quiet for a moment and Jaebum thought he was actually going to drop it.

“Why are you keeping secrets from me?” Youngjae suddenly demanded, voice so sharp it took Jaebum aback. He looked up to see Youngjae glaring at him, accusatory. The mystery that was the secret love of Youngjae’s life swam to the front of Jaebum’s mind. It was always there, worrying at the back of Jaebum’s brain, filling him with doubt.

“It’s not like you tell me everything.” Jaebum snapped back, moving back and deliberately putting some space between them.

“I have my reasons.” Youngjae finally said, pressing his lips into a thin line as he stared at the blank beige wall.

“Yeah, well, so do I.” Jaebum retorted, instantly regretting how childish it sounded coming out of his mouth. Youngjae scoffed at his response, dropping his face into his hands. The silence stretched between them, an apology on the tip of Jaebum’s tongue but Youngjae beat him to it.

“I’m too tired to fight with you.” He sighed, lifting his head up to smile dejectedly at Jaebum.

“Me too.”

“Come on, let’s go to bed then.” Youngjae suggested, crawling over to the other side of the mattress.

As per their routine, Jaebum stood up, yawning as he stumbled over to the light switch. The last thing he saw before he flipped the switch off was Youngjae making himself comfortable under the covers. Shrouded in darkness, he carelessly tossed his wet towel into some corner of the room and blindly felt his way back to the bed.

They lay there, on opposite sides of the bed, their fight wedging a physical gap between them. Jaebum longed to roll over and curl his arm around Youngjae’s waist like he normally would but it didn’t feel right with the tension still clinging to his skin. Time seemed to drag but sleep wouldn’t come to Jaebum. He tried to listen out for Youngjae’s breathing to see if he was awake, but the room was silent and the other boy didn’t even seem to move a muscle. Jaebum was trying to figure out how long BamBam had been gone when he heard the sheets rustling beside him and felt the mattress dip.

“Hey,” Youngjae whispered into the dark, his foot nudging Jaebum’s.

“Hey,” Jaebum whispered back, shifting to lay on his side. In the darkness he could barely make out any of Youngjae’s features, but he felt his warmth.

“The secret…” Youngjae started tentatively, as if thinking over his words. “It’s not a ‘things are getting bad again’ secret, is it?” Youngjae asked, his voice breaking on the last syllable, exposing what had truly hurt him.

“No, no,” Jaebum rushed out, shuffling closer so he could cradle Youngjae’s face in his hands. “Of course not, you’d be the first to know.” He assured him, rubbing his thumb across Youngjae’s cheek.

“Ok.” The younger boy breathed out, fisting Jaebum’s shirt in his hand. “As long as you’re ok, that’s all that matters,” Youngjae murmured, burrowing his face in Jaebum’s neck. “Even if I’m dying to know.” He could feel Youngjae smiling into his skin and it did odd things to Jaebum’s heart.

“I was just a little upset earlier but I’m fine now,” Jaebum reassured him, resting his chin on Youngjae’s head. He felt himself relax, his exhaustion finally creeping up on him as Youngjae’s warmth lulled him towards drowsiness.

“You should’ve come and found me.” Youngjae grumbled, twisting his head in an attempt to look up at Jaebum.

“It’s f-”

“Fine, I know, but you don’t have to do this on your own.” Youngjae yawned, his breath tickling Jaebum’s neck in a way that had him holding back a shiver. He suddenly felt wide-awake, aware of every sensation and movement, even his fingertips brushing against Youngjae’s soft hoody. Jaebum thought back to Jinyoung calling him a coward. He thought back to BamBam, who had given him this chance, given him space to come clean and take that risk. He thought about the fact that Youngjae had come to his room, ready for bed, hadn’t even asked could he stay because he already knew the answer.

“Jae?” Youngjae merely grunted in response, clearly on the verge of sleep. That fact alone gave Jaebum the final push he needed to get past his nervousness. “I love you.” Jaebum murmured, pressing his lips into Youngjae’s hair in the hopes that he could impress the true meaning behind his words onto the boy.

He made a promise to himself, in that dark hotel room, that one day he would tell Youngjae how he felt. He wouldn’t leave any room for misunderstandings, never again. Jaebum would make it known how much he truly loved Youngjae even if the boy rejected him.

A garbled “Mhmm, wuv oo, too,” was the only reply Jaebum received but it was enough to have him fall asleep with a full heart and a smile on his face.

***

A week had passed, and they were already at their last American stop on the tour; L.A. Youngjae had always liked visiting Mark’s home in LA. His parents always treated them as part of the family. There was always lots of food, and a big party where all of Mark’s old friends showed up and they could just let loose. Things were notably different this year. Mark’s mom still made a big dinner for them their first night there that they all appreciated but someone was missing.

Mark claimed that Jinyoung had suddenly came down with something but they all knew it was a lie. Marks parents seemed to buy it, however, their brows furrowed in concern. Marks mum stuffed them with as much food as she could manage. It was nice to have a home-cooked meal after far too much room service and fast food. It made Youngjae acutely homesick in a way he rarely found himself feeling these days.

It brought him back to his school days when he'd come home to his mum's warm eyes and steaming pots of food.  He dragged his gaze away from the bubbling hotpot in the middle of the table, his eyes gravitating towards the one place they always did.

Jaebum was already staring at him, contemplative like he wanted to know what had Youngjae frowning at all the food. He raised an eyebrow in question but Youngjae just shook his head slightly, brushing his wayward thoughts off. He tried to ignore the ache in his chest, that longing from something familiar. Their eyes continued to meet throughout the rest of the meal. Every time Jaebum caught Youngjae's gaze he would smile at him and each time he did the aching hollow in Youngjae's chest felt a little less imposing. 

***

The next day Mark’s infamous house party was fully underway. Youngjae could never get used to just how many people his friend seemed to know. All of the members had fully immersed themselves in the festivities, drinking and chatting with anyone and everyone. Even Jaebum was playing volleyball in the pool with a few of the members and some people Youngjae didn’t recognise. He was happy to watch Jaebum from the edge of the pool, only dipping his feet into the warm water. Youngjae had his sunglasses on, so he could blatantly stare at Jaebum without worrying that he would be caught out. Youngjae smiled as Jaebum violently threw himself backward in an attempt to hit the ball, missing it entirely and crashing into the water. He loved how competitive Jaebum would become over such silly games, exerting more energy than what was really needed.

Mark and Jinyoung were back on good terms. Had Youngjae not been so worried for his friends’ relationship he would’ve found them insufferable. They were currently holding hands, giggling with each other and sneaking kisses when they thought no one was watching. Youngjae was happy for them. He was glad that Jinyoung seemed to finally get his shit together but an ugly part of him was jealous. He wanted those same gentle touches and shared smiles.

A ball seemed to fall from the sky, landing right in front of him, splashing water all over his legs. Youngjae looked over at the volleyball match to yell at them but the sight of Jaebum paddling over silenced him. Jaebum ignored the ball, instead coming right up to Youngjae, standing between his legs. He looked too good like this with dripping wet hair pushed back to expose his forehead, water droplets running down his face onto his bare chest. Youngjae’s eyes followed the droplets path until he felt his face burning and forced himself to look away. Jaebum remained ever oblivious to the torture he put Youngjae through, smiling far too brightly at him.

“Sorry for splashing you.” Jaebum grinned, resting his wet hands on Youngjae’s bare thighs.

“It’s alright.”

“You should join us.” Jaebum suggested, squeezing Youngjae’s thigh and short-circuiting Youngjae’s brain. The thought was tempting: it looked like a lot of fun and it would be an excuse to spend more time with Jaebum but Youngjae’s deep-rooted insecurities held him back.

“Ah, I’m not really comfortable taking my shirt off,” Youngjae tried to explain, pulling at said shirt.

“Wear it! Who cares?” Jaebum shrugged, running a free hand through his wet hair. 

“It’ll get wet and cling to me. Not a good idea.” Youngjae grimaced, already picturing how it would stick to his chest and stomach like a second skin.

Jaebum appraised Youngjae, his eyes raking up and down the younger boy’s body in a way that made Youngjae want to hide. He tried to not be so self-conscious. He always avoided his comments section on Instagram and refused to search himself up online. It helped but he wasn’t ready to walk around essentially shirtless when most of the men at the party were either extremely slim or well built.

“I highly doubt that.” Jaebum smirked, moving his hands behind Youngjae’s knees and gripping tight.

“Um, Jaebum,” Youngjae warned, not liking the playful glint in Jaebum’s eyes but it was no use. Suddenly, the older boy yanked Youngjae forward by his legs, forcing him off the ledge of the pool. Youngjae yelped, desperately grabbing at Jaebum’s bare shoulders in an effort to keep himself upright and out of the water. Jaebum carried most of his weight, a firm hold on Youngjae’s thighs. 

“Put me down, Jaebum!” Youngjae screeched, the cold water already soaking his shorts through. Jaebum laughed outright at his pleas, wading towards the centre of the pool.

“Down?” Jaebum teased, loosening his grip on Youngjae’s thighs.

“No, no, no!” Youngjae yelled, clutching onto the older boy, and wrapping his legs around Jaebum’s torso in a death grip. Youngjae felt like a koala as he hugged himself to Jaebum, the older boy cooing at him. He knew he was bright red at this point, no doubt a few pairs of eyes were glancing their way with the amount of noise they were making. It wasn’t so bad being in the water like this, Jaebum holding him close to his chest even if he could feel the water slowly getting deeper. Youngjae would’ve gladly spent all afternoon floating along with Jaebum but Youngjae rarely gets what he wants.

“Hey, uh, are you still playing?” A woman interrupted them, appearing out of nowhere beside Jaebum. She had one hand on Jaebum’s arm, the forgotten ball tucked under her armpit.

“Oh, yeah, sorry.” Jaebum apologised, voice small and uncertain like it always was when he spoke in a foreign language.

“Who’s this?” Youngjae murmured to him in Korean, noticing how the woman’s eyes flicked to him briefly before focussing back on Jaebum. Youngjae didn’t like her smile or the way her hand still rested on Jaebum’s arm.

“Tiffany.” Jaebum answered, leaning away from Youngjae a little to address her. “Can he play?” Jaebum asked, nodding to Youngjae. Tiffany looked between the two of them and the position they were in before fixing that smile back on her face with an enthusiastic “of course!”. Her eyes fixed on his now soaked t-shirt as Jaebum turned back to Youngjae, hopeful.

“Could you put me down, I’m not feeling well.” Youngjae mumbled, already pulling away from Jaebum. The older boy immediately set him back on his feet, concern flooding his features. Jaebum’s hands ghosted Youngjae’s waist as he offered to go to the bathroom with him but Youngjae refused. He felt fine, it was just an excuse to escape Tiffany’s inquisitive gaze. Youngjae watched as she pulled Jaebum back with her, holding onto his wrist. He couldn’t help but notice how pretty she was, sun-kissed and blonde, like most of Mark’s friends. Youngjae’s shirt was fully soaked up to his shoulders by now, it weighed him down as he waddled over to the edge of the pool. Once he was out of the water, Youngjae hugged himself and scurried as quick as he could away from all the phones and cameras and into the house. He felt stupid.

***

Once the sun went down the music got louder and alcohol really started flowing. The crowd seemed to double in size, even more unfamiliar faces showing up. Everyone had gradually changed out of their swimming trunks into clothes as the day wore on. Even Jaebum, who normally lived in tracksuits when he dressed himself, had made the effort to squeeze himself into a pair of skinny jeans. Said man had refused to leave Youngjae’s side after the incident earlier in the pool. He kept asking him if he felt alright, checking in when Mark’s mum served up finger food or frowning when Youngjae refused a beer for the tenth time. 

"I thought I'd be sober in solidarity with you." Youngjae had explained, and he was being sincere. The last thing he wanted was Jaebum feeling like the odd man out if he was the only one not able to drink. Now, they were probably the only two sober people left.

Yugyeom and BamBam were dancing by themselves in front of the speaker, hyping each other up while some of the partygoers watched on, amused. Meanwhile Jackson was excitedly introducing himself to anyone and everyone, cracking jokes and making instant friendships like only he could. The happy couple on the other hand had stationed themselves in front of Youngjae, commandeering a small loveseat for themselves opposite the armchair Youngjae had secluded himself in. Jaebum wasn’t far behind them, with a thoughtful but unnecessary ginger ale for Youngjae.

“The internet says this should help settle your stomach.” Jaebum explained, taking the free armchair beside him and scooting it closer. Youngjae thanked him, ignoring the blatant cooing from the tipsy couple. Jaebum quickly changed the topic, gushing about how welcoming Mark’s family have been. Things felt normal for the first time in a long time, no tension haunting them as they simply chatted away like they used to.

After a rocky start earlier, Youngjae found himself actually enjoying the party as they wasted the evening away together. It seemed like Jaebum and Jinyoung had made up, playing their usual grouchy old-married couple act. They were in the middle of arguing over who was the messiest back in their JJP days while Mark lovingly played with the baby hairs at the back of Jinyoung’s neck like he was a cat.

“Hey guys!” Tiffany greeted, breaching their little circle with a bottle of wine and glasses. Mark cheered, pulling Jinyoung fully onto his lap and making room for her on their couch.

Youngjae had decided he disliked Tiffany. It was irrational and petty of him but she was everywhere Youngjae turned. If Jaebum was close by so was she. She had interrupted Youngjae and Jaebum earlier at the pool, leaving Youngjae damp and lonely. As they ate the barbecue that Mark’s dad had cooked up, she had appeared with paper plates and napkins. And here she was again, injecting herself into the conversation. Mark took it upon himself to act as translator, introducing everyone to each other.

“Oh, JB and I have already met.” Tiffany interrupted him, the nickname and the way Jaebum grinned back had Youngjae bristling.

“Youngjae, right?” Tiffany asked, finally addressing him. He was surprised she knew his name; he couldn’t remember telling her. “JB’s told me a lot about you.” She added, smiling over at a sheepish Jaebum like they shared a secret. It didn’t sit right with Youngjae, it felt like the secrets he wasn’t privy to just kept mounting. He wanted to probe, demand to know what he had said exactly but the conversation was swiftly moved along by a tipsy Jinyoung waving his empty wine glass in front of Tiffany. She gladly topped him up, offering Youngjae and Jaebum some but they both politely refused.

Tiffany easily fit into their little group after that. Jinyoung was happy to drink her wine, asking her what it was like growing up with Mark. They had apparently been science fair partners back in the day, barely passing with a homemade volcano project. She seemed sweet, not taking herself too seriously and joking around easily despite the language barrier. Jaebum was obviously comfortable around her, going as far as using the bit of English he had rather than staying silent. Jaebum was adorable, his voice carefully forming each syllable. Tiffany listened attentively, encouraging Jaebum with gentle nods and soft hums. Youngjae hated her.

After a certain point, he didn’t bother to follow the conversation properly anymore. Youngjae had completely zoned out, not even hearing Jaebum asking him what he wanted to drink. The older boy had to repeat himself as he prodded Youngjae’s side.

“Uh, just a coke for me,” Youngjae responded absentmindedly, shifting his legs so Jaebum could get past. Tiffany offered to help Jaebum carry all the drinks back, following him to one of the many tables filled with bottles and cans. Youngjae followed them with his eyes, craning his neck to see through the throngs of people wandering around the patio.

“Careful, you might actually burn a hole in Tiff’s back,” Mark joked, nudging his bare foot against Youngjae’s knee.

“She’s beautiful,” The humour slipped from Mark’s face with Youngjae’s emphatic words. Jinyoung was frowning at him, head in Mark’s lap and legs splayed across the loveseat.

It was true. She had full lips, pretty but kind eyes with long, glossy hair that framed her face and fell down her back. She was petite, about a head shorter than Jaebum, her frame slim but not skinny, a nice contrast to Jaebum’s broad shoulders. They looked good together. Youngjae let that sink in as he watched the pair talk over the drinks in front of them. Tiffany was saying something, unintelligible from so far away, leaning into Jaebum. Youngjae had seen this play out countless times before. Jaebum would stick to Youngjae’s side all night, always skirting on the edge of flirtation while encasing his actions in friendship until a woman caught Jaebum’s eye. Only then would he tire of Youngjae and leave to pursue whoever had piqued his interest. It had been so long and so much had changed between them that Youngjae had let himself think these routines were something of the past.

Youngjae watched stricken as Jaebum leaned down towards Tiffany, his hand coming up to rest on the small of her back. He was glad when a random body blocked his view, cutting his masochistic staring short. He couldn’t force himself to stick around much longer. He knew what came next and he didn’t need to see it. Not this time. His heart wouldn’t be able to take it. Youngjae was quick to excuse himself, evading Mark and Jinyoung’s clumsy attempts at keeping him there. He needed to be alone with his heartbreak, marinate in it for a few hours and let himself hurt. He had to get up tomorrow and greet Jaebum with a smile, maybe even ask him about the hot girl at the party last night, but right now he couldn’t be Jaebum’s best friend.

Youngjae needed the space to mourn alone where he could let a few tears out and not be embarrassed. He trudged up the stairs, chastising himself for thinking that this time would be any different. Nothing had changed. All of the dancing around just proved that he would be stuck in this same routine with Jaebum for the rest of his life. Unknowingly, he had stupidly let himself hope. The usual teasing and almost-flirting had clouded Youngjae’s judgement. He pushed open the door to his room, instantly tripping over Jaebum’s suitcase. Youngjae was swamped by regret, spitefully kicking the heavy, unpacked suitcase as if it was Jaebum. He blamed the searing pain in his foot on Jaebum, hot tears staining his face as he got changed into a hoody and shorts.

Youngjae did his best to ignore his tears, embarrassed as he flopped onto the bed, throwing an arm over his eyes. He just felt so overwhelming idiotic. Without even realizing it he had let hope settle in his chest and bloom like an insidious Venus fly trap waiting to swallow up his heart. His chest was aching: a hollow yearning that left Youngjae breathless even as he lay there immobile. He’s not sure how long he stayed like that, gasping around his own pitiful sobs, but eventually he recognised the click of the door opening. Youngjae quickly rolled onto his stomach, hiding his face in the mound of pillows.

 A whispered “hey” wafted through the room.

Youngjae didn’t respond, praying with every fibre of his being that Jaebum would think he was sleeping or sick and just leave him alone. He could hear the door click for a second time, followed by the sound of Jaebum padding across the room. The mattress dipped as Jaebum sat at Youngjae’s feet.

“I know you’re awake.” Jaebum murmured, reaching out to tickle Youngjae’s foot. He immediately pulled it away, blindly kicking out at Jaebum.

“Go away,” Youngjae mumbled into the sheets, annoyed that he’d missed.

"Huh, what did you say?” Jaebum said teasingly, the mattress shifting as he moved to hover over Youngjae, placing a hand on either side of him.

"Get out!” Youngjae exploded, flipping onto his back so he could properly glare up at Jaebum above him. All he could see was Jaebum, his broad shoulders blocking out the ceiling light. His hair hung around his face, any amusement in his face slipping away as he took in Youngjae’s puffy eyes and red cheeks. “Go find somewhere else for your hook-up.”  Youngjae grumbled, shoving up against Jaebum’s shoulders and chest. The older boy didn’t budge stuttering out a lost “what?" instead as he tried to press closer to get a better look at Youngjae.

"I'm not letting you kick me out of our room just so you can have sex," Youngjae rebuked, pushing harder. It seemed his words had a stronger effect as Jaebum pulled away, falling back to sit on his heels. He was still somewhat straddling Youngjae but at least the young boy had room to breathe. Jaebum appeared utterly bewildered by Youngjae’s outburst, cocking his head to the side in a motion that reminded Youngjae too much of Coco.

"What are you talking about?" Jaebum questioned; his confusion seemingly genuine.

"I saw you and Tiffany, I'm not stupid. You had your hands all over each other." Youngjae accused, feeling ridiculous under Jaebum’s inquisitive gaze. He was being too honest. Even Jaebum would catch on as to why he was so upset.

“What?” Jaebum repeated, this time with a little more indignation.

“Don't play dumb!” Youngjae exclaimed, refusing to explain himself any further. This whole conversation was starting to get on Youngjae’s nerves, he felt too exposed. He had probably already walked himself into a conversation he wasn’t ready to have. There was also a part of him that was sick of Jaebum’s innocent act, as if he didn’t have to take responsibility for his actions. The overwhelming mixture of too many emotions at once left Youngjae frayed and unstable. Jaebum surveyed him, the silence dragging on as he collected his thoughts. When Jaebum finally spoke the sudden noise jolted Youngjae out of his own reverie.

"I’m not interested in her,” Maybe it was those few simple words, said with a certain gentleness or maybe it was the sudden break in the silence but Youngjae’s heart rate picked up.

"Really?” Youngjae whispered, attempting and failing to sound neutral and indifferent.

“I’m here getting yelled at by you instead of out there with her, aren’t I?” Jaebum countered. There was no malice behind his words. In fact, he looked almost fond as he watched Youngjae struggle through this ordeal.

“I just thought-”

“Well, you’ve got it all wrong,” Jaebum cut him off. “I came up here to check on you.” He repeated, looking away from Youngjae as he paused to stare off at the ground, deciding whether he should continue or not. Youngjae watched as he clenched his jaw and released it, the tension still clinging to his shoulders. “I have feelings for someone else anyway, I don’t have room to think about anyone else.” Jaebum rushed out in one breath, eyes turning back to pin Youngjae to the mattress.

Everything seemed to stop, Youngjae and Jaebum both holding their breath. Jaebum looked like he had more he wanted to say and at this point, Youngjae felt as if he had nothing to lose.

“Who?”

“Someone I’ve hurt a lot. Someone I’ve taken for granted.” Jaebum murmured, as vague as ever. Youngjae was going to call him out on it but Jaebum was quicker. “I’ve refused to face my feelings for years now like a coward, too afraid to go after what I really wanted. It took me far too long to realise what I had. By the time I did, I’d already ruined everything, hadn’t I?” Jaebum asked sardonically, regret oozing out of him as he looked at Youngjae for confirmation. Youngjae was dumbfounded, unable to respond but Jaebum was pushing onwards with his train of thought. “I’ve been trying to hide my true feelings, selfishly worried that I’d be rejected. I’ve tried to show you how I feel without saying it but I just keep hurting you and I hate it.”

Youngjae felt like his ears were ringing, the only thing coming through the feedback was the word ‘you’, it was the only thing he could focus on. That wasn’t vague. Jaebum looked terrified, watching Youngjae like he was a wild animal, capable of anything.

“How do you feel?” Youngjae heard himself ask, his voice sounding wobbly to his own ears. He looked on as Jaebum steeled himself, straightening his back before he stared Youngjae down.

“I love you, Choi Youngjae.” The ringing was getting louder, overwhelming his senses. The only thing that pierced through the deafening sound was Jaebum’s voice. “Like, in love kind of love. Saying it out loud like that scares the shit out of me but I can’t deny it anymore. You’re all I think about, you’re the only person I want to wake up beside every day. I miss you when you’re not around and wonder what you’re up to, whether you’ve eaten or if you’re having a good day.” Jaebum inhaled shakily, drawing a long breath before continuing.

“I catch myself thinking of you and realise I have this big stupid grin on my face, I must look insane but you make me so happy I can’t help it. You make me believe that maybe things will be alright one day, because as long as I have you in my life, I think they will be. I wish I could make you as happy as you make me. You’re the strongest, most loving person I’ve ever met, someone I can’t compare to and definitely don’t deserve. I know you probably don’t feel the same and I’ll be ok with that.” Jaebum assured him, although it felt like Jaebum was trying to comfort himself.

Youngjae wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry.

“I’m not saying all of this to make you uncomfortable, I just thought I should finally be honest, put it all out on the table.” Jaebum sighed, allowing the silence to stretch presumably to let Youngjae speak but the younger boy was a mess.

It felt like he was dreaming. Jaebum was finally saying everything Youngjae had longed to hear. He couldn’t compose himself anymore, a shaky inhale exposing him.

“Are you crying?” Jaebum asked, sounding distraught and panicked as he scrambled to hover over Youngjae once more. He easily pried Youngjae’s limp limbs off of his face. Youngjae blinked open his eyes and saw the blurry outline of Jaebum’s shoulders, his face slowly developing like film in front of him. As Jaebum came into focus, Youngjae could see the love in Jaebum’s eyes.

It suddenly hit Youngjae like a ton of bricks that this beautiful, sweet soul actually loved him back. It left Youngjae breathless, gasping around his own joyful sobs as he gazed up at Jaebum in wonder. The older boy was cradling Youngjae’s face, wiping away his tears dutifully as he apologised. Youngjae used what little strength he had to reach up and loop his arms around Jaebum’s neck.

“Jae, I’m so sorry I didn’t-” Before Jaebum could continue to babble about nonsense, Youngjae pulled him down, connecting their lips and effectively silencing Jaebum.

It was awkward. Their lips smushed together, noses squashed as Jaebum tried to balance himself, Youngjae’s tears transferring onto to Jaebum’s cheeks and making the kiss taste salty. Jaebum’s lips were still against Youngjae’s and for a split-second panic swept through his veins, fearful he had read it all wrong. Then Jaebum moved his lips, tilting his head so he could deepen the kiss and all of Youngjae’s fears dissipated. It was perfect.

Those fireworks he had written off as fiction boomed in his chest, his heart racing and his body tingling at the nerve ends. It felt like he was on fire, his whole body heating up and yet it didn’t hurt. It was addicting, he felt so alive and Youngjae never wanted the feeling to stop. The closest thing he could compare it to was performing live for the very first time. It was that kind of overwhelming rush of emotion that you only got to feel once in a lifetime.

Jaebum pulled away first, just a breath away from Youngjae’s lips. His eyes were glazed over, his breathing as heavy as Youngjae’s.

“So, does that mean you like me back?” Jaebum whispered, staring at Youngjae’s face in wonder.

“No! I love you, idiot.” Youngjae practically sobbed, slapping Jaebum’s shoulder as the older boy’s face broke out into a grin.

Jaebum was quick to swoop down and claim another kiss, taking Youngjae’s breath away. Youngjae could feel Jaebum’s stupid smile as he kissed the older boy back, the feeling spreading warmth through his chest. Jaebum pulled back again, only to shower Youngjae’s face with soft kisses as the younger boy blushed.

“I love you.” Jaebum murmured, planting a kiss on the tip of Youngjae’s nose before shyly burying his face in Youngjae’s neck. Jaebum put his full weight on Youngjae, trapping him to the bed, cuddling him.

“I love you more.” Youngjae replied, threading his fingers through Jaebum’s hair, tugging at the strands. Jaebum grunted a sulky “impossible” into Youngjae’s neck before pressing gentle kisses into his skin, working his way back up to Youngjae’s face. As Jaebum captured Youngjae’s lips in a kiss, he believed him, he could feel the love Jaebum was pouring into every movement of his lips, how his hand came up to cradle Youngjae’s face. His heart felt so full of love, and to finally receive that love and affection in return was time-stopping.

They stayed like that all night long, in each other arms, whispered confessions punctuated with gentle touches and kisses. They talked about everything from the really hard stuff from how much Youngjae had suffered thinking he was alone in love to the silly things like Jaebum’s jealousy for Charlie. They laughed at themselves, at how blind they had been and how much time they had wasted.

Jaebum seemed determined to make up for it, showering Youngjae with affection like a man who had been touch-starved. Jaebum was the first to fall asleep, his head pillowed by Youngjae’s chest and his arms clinging to Youngjae’s waist, a position he had found himself in countless times before yet this time everything was different. Youngjae didn’t want to fall asleep, afraid this was some fantasy he had dreamed up and tomorrow he would wake up to Jaebum’s indifference. He fought against the heaviness of his eye lids, wanting to bask in this glow a little longer but eventually exhaustion got the better of him.

***

“Jae…” He could feel something soft pressing against his cheek. It felt nice and he wanted to lean into it. “…come on, sleepy head…” A familiar voice whispered close to his ear, that same softness grazing his forehead. Youngjae groaned, leaning back into the mattress away from whatever was trying to wake him up. He had been having a pretty amazing dream where he had confessed and Jaebum had loved him back. He didn’t want to wake up. “…don’t make me tickle you, baby…” Tickle? Baby? Was he still dreaming?

A cold hand snaked under his hoodie, dancing across his stomach and up his ribcage, jolting Youngjae awake. He could hear Jaebum laughing as he squirmed, trying to get away. He flailed his arms, blindly hitting out at Jaebum but a sleepy Youngjae was no match for him. The older boy pinned both of Youngjae’s arms to the bed easily, dropping kisses to Youngjae’s face.

The younger boy’s eyes flew wide open in shock. So he hadn’t dreamt it up. It had all actually happened. Jaebum knew Youngjae loved him, and he loved Youngjae back. Blood rushed to Youngjae’s face as he remembered everything that had happened, how all the feelings he had held back for so long had rushed out of him like a broken dam. Jaebum hadn’t left his side, listening, bewitched by Youngjae. And here he was this morning just as determined to express his feelings, kissing his way around Youngjae’s face, adding exaggerated over the top kissing sounds every couple of kisses.

“Jaebum…” Youngjae mumbled, giggling as the boy above him ignored him. Jaebum only hummed in response, finally reaching Youngjae’s lips but Youngjae was quicker, jerking his head to the side. “Morning breath! My mouth probably stinks.” Youngjae exclaimed while a pouty Jaebum whined above him.

“Who cares? I haven’t brushed my teeth yet either,” Jaebum reasoned, leaning over to obnoxiously breathe right over Youngjae’s nose, as if that proved any point.

“You’re disgusting,” Youngjae deadpanned, struggling to free himself from the oaf laying on top of him. Jaebum was grinning down at him like a fool, as if the words washed over him.

“I love you,” He said genuinely, the fondness in his eyes pulling Youngjae up short.

It felt like whiplash. One second they were messing around like always and the next Jaebum was gazing at him lovingly, making Youngjae’s heart stop and start again at two times speed with three simple words. Would he ever get used to this new reality?

“I love you too.”

“Kiss me?” Jaebum pleaded softly, the words whispered against Youngjae’s mouth. Any insecurities about his breath smelling fell away as he pulled Jaebum close. They lay there, lazily kissing, wasting away the morning in each other’s company.  

“Is this not weird for you? Kissing and everything?” Youngjae asked after a couple of minutes of contented silence and kissing, voicing his concerns to the blank ceiling. Jaebum who was currently mouthing at Youngjae’s neck appreciatively, snorted slightly.

“I very much enjoy kissing you if you couldn’t tell.” Jaebum murmured, playfully nipping at Youngjae’s neck for emphasis.

“But you’re straight?” Youngjae gasped out, refusing to be distracted even if he was pushing the subject a bit too much. He needed to know where they stood.

“Well, I’d hardly say I’m straight after begging you to kiss me and spending all night with you.” Jaebum joked, mirth in every word as he shifted his weight to pay the other side of Youngjae’s neck some attention.

“You know what I mean.” Youngjae ground out, something in his tone causing Jaebum to stop and prop himself up on his elbows.

“I know,” He sighed, finally taking the conversation seriously as he thought for a minute before continuing. “I honestly don’t know what I am. You’re the only guy I’ve ever let myself think about like this and yeah, it’s different kissing you, but that’s not a bad thing.” Jaebum trails off, looking as if he was weighing up whether he should speak his mind or not. A beat of silence passed between the two as Jaebum stared contemplatively just past Youngjae’s shoulder.

“My heart was pounding so hard last night when you kissed me,” He finally confessed, eyeing Youngjae shyly, not quite able to maintain eye contact. “From the fear, the panic, but also the excitement. The relief. I was actually worried you’d feel it somehow and think I was having a heart attack.” Jaebum laughed deprecatingly. Youngjae didn’t think it was possible but he felt himself falling further for the boy in front of him. “I’d like to take things slow, physically, since it’s my first time dating a guy.” Jaebum continued and Youngjae silently agreed. They had all the time in the world to figure this out together. There was no rush.

“Oh, dating?” Youngjae teased, unable to resist. Jaebum looked stunned, stiffening as he tried to respond.

“Oh, w-well, I just assumed, y’know, b-because, you know, we said-, but if you want-”

“Jaebum.” Youngjae interrupted him, bringing Jaebum’s face level with his. He cupped the older boys cheeks, squishing them slightly as he stared into his needlessly worried eyes. “Be my boyfriend.” Youngjae said; more of a demand than a question. The relief that flooded Jaebum’s features was instantaneous as he broke out into a big grin again.

“Only if you’ll be mine.” Jaebum replied, cheesy as ever, as he threw himself over Youngjae, engulfing him in a hug. `

“Idiot,” Youngjae mumbled, squeezing Jaebum close, as if the older boy could vanish at any moment, as if he would slip right out of Youngjae’s hands.

Jaebum’s heavy body weighing down on his chest reminded Youngjae how real this all was. He wasn’t going anywhere. After all the pain, tears, the lingering looks and nights Youngjae finally had everything he could ever want and more. Youngjae couldn’t quite believe his luck. He felt like he was on top of the world. For the first time he felt like he could do anything.

Undoubtedly, there would be hard times ahead, maybe even harder than what they have faced up until now. They would have to live their lives as secrets, be careful not to slip up in public, always fearful of reporters hiding around every corner. They had signed away the privilege of privacy long ago before they ever truly understood what that would mean for them.

He was also worried about his parents. What would they say if they found out? Would they be ashamed if they could see him now? Could they ever find it within themselves to be happy for him?

Youngjae also knew they wouldn’t be able to keep it from the other boys for long. He believed they deserved the truth; it wasn’t only his career he was putting at risk after all. Who knows what tensions or strains their relationship could bring to the group? It had done plenty of harm the past few months but they had made it through, hadn’t they? He hoped it made them stronger somehow. Personally, Youngjae had never felt closer to them, he knew he could trust them with his life. After all, they were family.

There were too many questions he didn’t have an answer for, and that was ok, he could live with that. He wasn’t on his own, not anymore. He had Jaebum. He knew he could trust the older boy to support him, keep him grounded and safe. All those worries somehow seemed trivial and far-away, detached from Youngjae as he lay swallowed up by Jaebum.

Everything was Jaebum. He was drowning in the smell of Jaebum’s shampoo mixed with the remnants of last night’s cologne. Their legs were tangled as they lay chest to chest, Jaebum’s face tucked into Youngjae’s neck, his new favourite spot. All the other stuff could wait.

Youngjae let himself simply savour this moment, snuggled up with the boy he loved on a comfy bed, for the first time truly believing that Jaebum loved him back. Right now, in this moment, all that mattered was they had each other.