Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Evan absolutely hated it. He hated sitting in the hospital on its incredibly uncomfortable bed and he hated when doctors and nurses would come in and ask him how he was doing. It was obvious he wasn’t doing well and even more obvious that he really didn’t want to talk. Still they came in, asked how he was doing and how his arm felt, and left. Nothing upset him more than when they asked how his arm was doing or how it felt. His arm was gone, why did they need to know something like that? Its obvious that if its gone then he can’t feel it isn’t it? Questions like this always ran through Evan’s head.

The doctor said he would only have to be here for two weeks, but it all really depended on Evan’s mental state and health along with how fast his injuries healed. Nearly three weeks had passed now and Evan was growing impatient, everything putting him on edge. Every movement, every sound, and every roommate that came and went from Evan’s room after a day or two. They always gave Evan the worst roommate, that's how he saw it anyways. They were either too loud or so overly sick that it sacred Evan into thinking maybe he’d get sick, which he had in one point but that was long since passed.

In his current situation, Evan had no roommates. Something about him possibly acting out on them and maybe hurting them. Evan himself found that completely unbelievable, him? Hurt someone? Insane he thought. Then again, Evan thought a lot of things, and the more he thought about it the more he realized maybe it could be true. So, as a way not to hurt anyone, and a way for him to hide in some way, Evan kept his mouth shut. Only ever talking when Jared or Alana were around to give him homework since school had started only a week ago. Sometimes he’d talk to his mom, but not as often as she would of liked. Evan never said a word to the doctors or nurses.

And then just like that, Evan had yet another roommate. But something was different about this one. This roommate looked around his age, and looked completely high off his ass. Not high from drugs he himself could of taken, but high off maybe what Evan assumed was pain medication. They brought him in on a stretcher and moved him to his bed, hooked him up to everything. Faint whispers filling the room and vanishing as the nurses had quickly left.

Evan told himself to stay quiet and ignore the other figure, but that was hard when all they did was stare you down. “Dude your...your arm?” he managed to say. Evan gritted his teeth, he didn’t want to talk, but he couldn’t just leave the new person sitting there and he really wished he would just stop staring at him.

He awkwardly cleared his throat and tried to keep the talk as short as he possibly could. “I-I...I f-fell out of a tree...the break was bad a-and uhm..and I don’t know...infection or..or something.” he quietly managed. He caught the other’s eyes finally, and quickly realized just who was in the room with him.

“Your arm? From falling?” he weakly laughed, “That sounds fucking sad but also...k-kinda badass.” he snorted. Evan rolled his eyes in response. Connor Murphy of all people was sitting right here in a room with him and laughing at Evan for something he didn’t even know the truth about. Evan didn’t let it get to him too much with the fact that Connor was high off painkillers. He didn’t really want to ask why since it was kinda obvious with the rope burn and bruising around Connor’s neck.

Connor had attempted something Evan attempted differently only a few weeks back. Evan wasn’t sure how he felt about knowing something like that.

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Evan tried to sleep, he really did, but he couldn’t quite do so when there was so much noise going on in the room. The heart monitors and the sound of Connor’s ventilator. He wasn’t quite sure when Connor did end up having to use a ventilator, but with the sight of how swelled his throat looked he assumed that it was the reason he currently had one. Connor was asleep and Evan didn’t know if he should be thankful for it. Not like he would of been able to talk to Connor either way.

He yawned and slightly shifted in his own bed, quietly looking around the room while listening to the soft talking outside the door. Probably the doctor talking with another about he and or Connor’s condition. Turns out he wasn’t completely wrong. It wasn’t two doctors but instead a doctor and Cynthia Murphy, Connor’s mother, and they were in fact talking about Connor’s condition as the walked into the room. Evan’s room.

“The swelling should go down within a few weeks, but we aren’t quite sure how long the burns will take to heal. Some of them did end up cutting into his neck.” the doctor explained calmly. “None of them are infected though which is a very good sign in his case. If I were to estimate how long it would take before Connor was out I would say maybe four or five weeks depending on how well he heals and his mental state after. It also depends on how long it takes for him to wake back up.”

Cynthia only nodded back in reply as she very quietly sat down in a seat next to Connor’s bed. The doctor had mentioned something about checking in later, looked to Evan and told him his nurse would be seeing him in a hour, and left without another word. How could he leave Evan sitting here awkwardly with another total stranger? Connor’s mom of all people. He tried his best not to look at her or disturb her but something told him even if he didn’t look at her she would still attempt to say something to him. So Evan’s new bright idea was to fake sleep.

Cynthia however, did not fall for this. “I’m sorry did I wake you with the doctor?” she asked softly, “He told me a little about you. Said you were Connor’s age. My name is Cynthia Murphy, I’m Connor’s mother.” Evan kept his mouth shut, holding his tongue between his teeth to stay silent. Cynthia smiled sadly, “Are you a mute?

Evan thought about the question, was he a mute? Would he be considered one if he just didn’t talk? He remembered reading about selective mutism and how it was a common anxiety disorder in children. Maybe this was just his anxiety acting up badly and thus the result of it was SM. So he slowly nodded a yes as response.

“I see. Then I am sorry to have bothered you. It's just that I was hoping since you look Connor’s age that maybe you two go to the same school. I know that...that he's not going to be out for awhile but I thought maybe you could try and be around him when you two do go back. I just worry that he's going to get worse without people there.”

Evan scrunched his nose. Did she really expect him to hang out with Connor Murphy? The school druggy? Then again, Evan didn’t have a right to judge. For all he knew Connor could be completely different and the aggressiveness could only be a mask. The woman, Cynthia, looked at Evan with pleading eyes and all Evan could do was slowly nod. Cynthia’s face lit up, her smile soft. It comforted Evan in some way. “Thank you so much. It really means alot to me that you are willing to spend time with him.” Cynthia’s phone buzzed in her pocket. She stood and quietly apologized to Evan, answering as she made her way out of the room.

Evan sighed softly and looked out the single window in their room. He always enjoyed quietly sitting and watching the outside. It told hundreds of stories as people passed by below. Sometimes it looked as if someone late, sometimes there was someone chasing after their dog. To Evan these things told so much about a person. For someone who wasn’t ever noticed, he did notice quite a bit about others.

He noticed so much about Jared when he hung around the room. How he's constantly bouncing his leg and adjusting his glasses when they don’t need to be adjusted. The way he constantly looked tired, that was probably Evan’s fault honestly. He noticed how Alana tried to always seem engaged in conversation but he could tell that she never really was, not with the way her eyes wandered around the room as he talked. He also noticed she would constantly play with her fingers or try to change the subject when talking. Evan didn’t mind it, he shouldn’t keep his friends from talking.

Connor was a different story. Yes, he wasn’t normally awake whenever Evan looked over and examined him. He figured that they were keeping him asleep for his own sake, just in case his breathing got worse or he acted out. But Evan still learned so much about him. His look. Connor Murphy had very, very faint freckles, so faint you could hardly see them without really looking at his face. They were only along the bridge of his nose and faded slightly out onto his cheeks. Evan thought it was a very fitting look for him. He also noticed some scars here and there along the other’s arms. Evan wouldn’t dare ask about them unless Connor brought them up himself.

Not that Evan would ask about anything. Evan didn’t want to talk, he made that decision and he was going to go through with it. What would he do if Connor asked him a question? What would he do if it was about his arm? Evan couldn’t answer any of them but...but he didn’t want to make Connor uncomfortable with no talking. This was a very big issue, he only ever talked to his mother, Jared and Alana. How would he talk with Connor?

‘Now you’ve really done it Evan.’ he thought to himself, ‘You didn’t think about anything that could go wrong and agreed to something you probably can’t go through with.’ Evan ran his one good hand frantically through his hair. ‘Maybe-Maybe this will be a good thing. Making new friends. Something mom would of wanted’ he slightly nodded, looking back out the window. ‘Try to make friends for mom. She’ll...maybe she’ll like you and be proud.’

The door burst open startling Evan just a little as Jared and Alana made their way in. Jared had a bag of...something, and Alana was carrying a few notebooks. “Evan!” Jared grinned, “How's my favorite one armed acorn?”

“Acorns d-don’t have arms…” Evan softly responded. Jared only rolled his eyes.

“You know what I mean Ev. I got you some books about trees and stuff to read, some documentaries I found online too. I know how you like that stuff or whatever.” Jared pulled a seat over from the door and sat next to Evan’s bed. “How’s the arm by the way?”

“Well i-it doesn’t hurt anymore.”

“That sounds awesome! Means you’ll be outta’ here in no time!” Jared grinned. It was a genuine grin, made Evan smile just a little. Alana laughed at the two boys and sat in a seat on the opposite side of the bed.

“You’ll still need time to rest though before you can really get back into school. Adjust to having one arm. You were left handed weren’t you? It's going to be a struggle learning to write with your right arm.” Evan didn’t want to think about that struggle, clearing his throat as a sign of wanting to change the subject.

Jared looked to Connor’s side of the room, raising an eyebrow and slightly scoffing, “So I see the school shooter ended up here then.”

“Jared!” Alana snapped, lightly hitting his shoulder with one of her notebooks, “Don’t be rude.”

Jared huffed, crossing his arms and grumbling, “Well its true. Hes bound to do it one day. Why’s here anyway? Last I saw he was fine on the first day.”

“H-he uhm...he tried to..commit...s-suicide.” Evan’s voice went quiet as he tried to tell the two just why Connor was there. He hadn't meant for it to come out so choppy but a subject like killing one’s self really made Evan uncomfortable. Especially with what he had tried.

Alana covered her mouth and Jared stared at Evan with disbelief. “A-are you shitting me?” he frowned, “I mean...shit man I didn’t think he’d try and pull something like that. And they put him in a room with you? Man do they wish you dead.”

“Jared!” Alana snapped again, “You aren’t making anything better for Connor or Evan. This is a serious subject and it shouldn’t be taken as a joke!”

“Sorry…” Jared mumbled. “I don’t mean to get so outta hand.”

“I-its okay.” Evan reassured him, “We all do sometimes.” Alana nodded in agreement. “H-how have you two been if you don’t mind me asking?”

Evan would do anything to change the subject away from his arm and far away from Connor, not wanting to hurt the other if he happened to wake up during their talks. He enjoyed these moments with the others, he truly did, but sometimes they just got far too out of hand and Evan wished that they would just let him be for the day in the soft quiet of the room with only the beeping of the monitor and Connor’s soft breathing to accompany him.

Today though, today was obviously not going to be that day.
Evan was okay with that.

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Evan awoke yet again to doctors messing around and disconnecting things with Connor. It had been awhile since he had gotten any real sleep. Two hours probably wasn’t healthy, but it was better than nothing. They walked out with Connor’s ventilator since the swelling had gone down a few days ago. Did that mean Connor would wake up soon? Evan didn’t know how he was to handle that. Last he even talked to Connor was when he had been high on painkillers and that was when Connor seemed nicest. What was he like without them?

Evan didn’t want to think about that. He shook the thought away quickly and reached for his phone underneath his pillow. They let him have it in case he wanted to contact any of his friends outside of the hospital. All of his friends were outside. Probably having a better time without him right now. ‘Stop thinking negative’ Evan hit his head with his good arm, ‘You can’t get out of here if you think negative.’ He scrolled through a few social media pages he was part of and then quickly locked his phone and shoved it back under his pillow. God was he bored. He wished he could get out in the garden area, there was a nice one right beside the entrance that he liked looking at before they put him in one of the higher rooms. A walk outside would probably help him clear his mind a bit more too, but they probably wouldn’t listen if he asked. They would only ask him different questions when he starts talking and Evan refused to talk to the doctors and nurses again.

Connor’s throat burned when he woke up, groaning as he moved to rub his eyes. Where was he again? The familiar beep in the room answered his question and Connor wanted more than anything to be out of here as quick as possible. He knew that wasn’t going to happen any time soon though after what the tried. He could hear someone on the other side of the room, their breathing soft, did they actually give him a roommate this time? They never gave Connor a roommate. Maybe if he kept his eyes closed the other person in the room would just assume he was asleep. So Connor did that.

Did...did Connor just move? No no no no this is not what was meant to happen now. Connor was meant to wake up tomorrow not today. Jared and Alana were meant to come later today, what if he got mad they were there? What if he got mad that Evan was there? What was he meant to do if Connor yelled o-or freaked out or, or, or anything really. Evan did feel a little guilty for thinking all these things. After all, Connor had not too long ago tried to commit suicide, it was rude of Evan to panic like he was. If anything he should make sure Connor was okay. But how would he even manage that? Evan doesn’t want to talk to Connor and Connor probably wouldn’t want to talk to some broken, one armed, freak like Evan. Maybe it was best he stayed silent.

Connor could feel the other person’s eyes on him and he didn’t like it. He hated the feeling of people just looking at him like he was some TV screen. He gritted his teeth slightly and slowly opened his eyes to look over back at the other. “They hell are you looking at?” his snapped, his voice hoarse, almost bruning when he spoke. He glared at the other, finally getting a good view of him as his vision cleared and to his surprise, it was Evan Hansen. Wait- Evan Hansen? What was he doing in a hospital? Of all the people Connor would think he’d see here he never suspected someone so soft spoken and distant. Something in the back of Connor’s mind told him that maybe Evan wasn’t just soft spoken and distant, but something else as well.

Evan quickly looked away from Connor when he snapped, afraid of him jumping out of his bed and ringing his neck for just looking at him. It wouldn’t be a fair fight. Evan only had one arm and Connor had both. Would the doctor stop it if that happened? Would they let him out finally? Now Evan slightly wished Connor would fight him. ‘Stop that Evan its rude.’ he quickly corrected himself. He could feel Connor’s eyes on him, inspecting him. Did he want him to say something?

“So...what? Y-you just going t-to be totally quiet?” he croaked, “Because if y-you don’t bother me then...th-then I won’t bother you.”

Evan felt guilty about many things but he's never felt so guilty about something like not talking to a person. He promised Cynthia he would get along with Connor, so maybe it was best that he talks to him.

“I uhm...I’m sorry I-I don’t...its hard to talk…” Evan managed. It wasn’t the clearest sentence he could've said, but at least it was something.

“Th-that's funny...y-you’re missing a-an arm not...not struggling with b-breathing.”

“Oh well I uhm..maybe you shouldn’t talk? I-if you’re struggling with breathing I mean. That way you don’t make it worse? A-and then you..you’re throat and neck have time to heal better.” Evan tugged at the hem of his blanket. Trying to keep himself from looking at Connor since he seemed to have not liked it before.

Connor only stiffly grunted , closing his eyes and sighing softly. He took Evan’s advice? Honestly Evan wasn’t even sure he’d listen to him at all. “H-how’d you lose it.” Connor asked in attempts to break the awkward silence. So he didn’t take the advice then.

“I fell...out of a tree and th-the break was bad. Because I layed in the dirt for so long with a bad open wound the uh...the infection set in and it got bad. They tried to save it but it w-was--needed to be amputated.”

“I feel like y-you’ve already told me this a-already.” Connor grumbled.

“I have actually uhm...it was when you first arrived? You said it was cool I was missing an arm. I don’t think its cool by the way, kinda scary. The thought of not being able to write agin.”

“You...y-you have a right arm.” he snorted.

Evan shook his head, “No I write with my left hand. But...but I don’t have that anymore so I guess I’ll have to learn to use my right huh? Thats...okay I guess.”

There was a beat of silence between the two. Neither of them quite sure on what to say, soon Connor had managed to fall back asleep. Evan was a little relieved, that meant Connor didn’t have to be awake for when Jared and Alana made their daily visit. He took a deep breath and sighed.

“Everything will be okay Evan.” Evan quietly whispered to himself, “This will be okay. Just another few days and you’ll be out of here.”