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I knock again, harder.
I'm sure he's in his cabin. I've looked everywhere else. I could ask EDI, but I'd rather keep this just between the two of us.
I was down in Engineering when they got back from the mission to Thessia. I'd been giving Adams a hand there while Shepard was away on the mission. Trying to distract myself, I guess. Adams didn't really need my help, but was polite enough to accept it, maybe realizing that I needed to keep busy.
I understand why Shepard thought he should bring Javik with him to Thessia, but it still hurt to be left behind. Since I've been back on the Normandy, Shepard and I have been squadmates, fighting together as we did back in the days of the old Normandy SR1. He knows I'll always have his back, and there's a silent communication between us that I've never experienced with anyone else.
And, in this case, I can't help thinking that maybe... maybe if I'd been there, things might have gone differently. Not because I could have taken down Kai Leng, but because maybe I could have protected Shepard while he did.
Tali told me that Liara went to her quarters, distraught. I get it. It was her planet, her home. I've seen Reapers over Vancouver... and wouldn't wish that helpless horrible feeling on anyone. I lost friends and loved ones there - probably including my father. And Javik was probably hard on her, as he can be sometimes. So I'm thinking she may not have been at her best in that fight either.
Thinking maybe Shepard is asleep, I knock once more, planning to let myself in if there's no reply this time.
"Come in, Kaidan."
His voice matches his posture. He looks defeated.
He's not used to losing.
"John?" I linger in the doorway, just inside enough for the door to close behind me, not wanting to intrude if he really wants to be alone.
I take a long look at the man sitting on the bed. One boot is on the floor, but somewhere along the line he lost the energy to kick off the other one. He's wearing a set of rumpled fatigues, probably the first thing he found when he took off his hard suit, not even bothering to strip off the sweaty underarmor before he made his post-mission rounds of the Normandy. Duty and habit won over exhaustion and depression, driving him to keep to his routine.
After a long moment, he barely nods toward the spot beside him on the bed. I join him there, close enough that our shoulders and legs are in contact. I can feel the tension in both.
"If you want to talk about it..."
His voice is dull, as are his eyes, the light in them quenched. "I don't know how it would help."
"Okay, then maybe just listen."
After a long moment, Shepard nods.
"Nobody wins every fight. Nobody. You've won most of them... and you'll find a way to win the war, despite losing a battle today."
His nod is almost imperceptible.
Maybe that thought is all that's keeping him going. But he's not ready to talk about it.
"Did you talk to Admiral Anderson?"
Shepard nods again, his eyes still focused on the aquarium across the room.
"What did he say?"
"You know Anderson, Kaidan. You can probably guess. Gave me the speech about how he knows I tried my best... has confidence in me... all that."
"All true things, John. He's not the kind of guy to tell pretty lies to cheer you up."
He hasn't reached for me, but I need the touch as much as he does so I take his hand. I wrap mine around his smaller one, thumb beneath it to slowly stroke his palm. After a few minutes of this silent comfort, he breathes a long sigh and his hand relaxes a little. I risk a few more words.
"No lies from me either. But I'm here and I love you."
"I know."
But his smile is sad.
"I missed you down there today, Kaidan. I've gotten used to you having my back."
I wrap my hand around his again, squeezing tightly, but I can’t repress my sigh. "Can't say I wouldn't rather have been there. But I get why you needed Javik."
Shepard lifts his head to finally meet my eyes. "I don't know. He was useful... good in a fight... and he knew a lot of background intel for that place..."
I wait for him to continue. It takes some time.
"But I won't make that mistake again. You're with me, Kaidan. We're both better together."
As badly as he's feeling about losing – losing the battle, the escape of the assassin who vowed to kill him, even the de facto loss of the whole asari planet – he's still worried about me.
"I felt like I left you behind, Kaidan. It was never my intent, but I wouldn't blame you for feeling like that."
Taking his face between my hands, I offer a small smile, feeling as close to him as I've ever felt. Letting me in, allowing me to see his vulnerability... it means everything to me.
"I'm okay, John. We're good."