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“You know, Thomas, I like being the big spoon.”
“Jimmy, I’m the big spoon.”
“How can you be the big spoon? I’m behind you.”
Thomas and Jimmy were in bed, snuggled up close to one another. Cuddling had always been a part of their evening ritual, but up until this night, Thomas had always been the big spoon, so he was surprised to be curled up in Jimmy’s arms, to say the least.
“Because I’m taller than you.”
“But that doesn’t matter, Thomas. It’s about position not size.”
Jimmy could feel Thomas shaking with laughter against his body.
“Well I must say, my darling, that I find both position and size important.”
Jimmy playfully pinched Thomas’ stomach.
“You know that’s not what I’m talking about.”
Thomas continued his chuckling and Jimmy rolled his eyes. Once Thomas had quieted down, Jimmy said,
“Anyways, I am the big spoon, Thomas.”
Thomas snorted.
“I’ve never been the little spoon in my entire life,” Thomas scoffed. And it was true, he hadn’t been, but he loved it. Being held in someone’s arms, Jimmy’s arms, was the most thrilling yet comforting feeling.
“Well you are now,” Jimmy said as he brushed his lips against Thomas’ neck, sending shivers down Thomas’ spine.
For a moment, that seemed like it was the end of their discussion.
Just as Jimmy was about to drift off to sleep, he felt Thomas shift underneath his arm. Peeling his tired eyes open, Jimmy saw Thomas, head cradled between the two pillows of their bed. He propped himself up on his elbow to get a better look at Thomas. Moonlight waltzed into the room through the window next to the bed; illuminating it enough to make Thomas’ blue-gray eyes sparkle. Jimmy would never tell Thomas how beautiful he looked in that moment, thinking it too romantic for himself, but the way his eyes widened with affection and the delicate smile he wore when he looked at Thomas made the vocalization unnecessary. However, there was something in Thomas’ eyes that unsettled Jimmy.
“Is everything alright, Thomas?”
“Of course, why wouldn’t it be?”
“I don’t know. You just seem a bit down is all.”
“I was just thinking.”
“About what?”
“Nothing.”
Jimmy leaned in and kissed Thomas on the forehead, running his fingers through the shiny dark hair. Thomas grinned and closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of Jimmy’s fingers against his scalp. Jimmy continued working his fingers through Thomas’ hair, feeling the soft locks weave between them, watching Thomas become relaxed and contented. Jimmy eventually stopped his petting and Thomas opened his eyes to reach out to take hold of the hand that had just been gliding through his hair. He spent a few moments staring up at Jimmy before bringing Jimmy’s hand up to his lips to lay gentle kisses across the gorgeous fingers and soft palm. Jimmy smiled as he watched Thomas. He loved the feeling of Thomas’ lips against his hand and he especially loved these quiet moments together. However, he couldn’t help but feel a bit uneasy, still sure that there was something bothering Thomas.
“Hey, Thomas. Can I ask you a question?”
“What is it, love?” Thomas asked, as he continued covering Jimmy’s hand in kisses.
“Well, based on your rather ridiculous criteria for what makes one the big spoon and the other the little spoon, is it reasonable to conclude that you’ve always been taller than your past lovers?”
“Wh-what? What do you mean?” Thomas held up Jimmy’s hand away from his face, now looking at Jimmy quizzically.
“You said you’re the big spoon because you’re taller than me. You also said you’ve never been the little spoon. So that must mean all your past lovers have been shorter than you, right?”
“Oh. No, that’s not true actually,” Thomas said, sounding dispirited, as he laid Jimmy’s hand against his chest.
“Then why have you never been the little spoon?” Jimmy laughed.
“I don’t know. I suppose I was never given the opportunity.”
Jimmy scrunched up his eyebrows, wondering how Thomas could never have had that ‘opportunity.’ To Jimmy, it didn’t seem like that should be something hard to come by. Though Thomas had always held Jimmy, Jimmy had long wanted to wrap his arms around Thomas and hold him close like a big teddy bear. Now, he regretted having waited so long to do so.
“But you don’t mind it do you?”
“I rather like it, actually.”
“Good.”
Jimmy slid down off his elbow, now lying halfway on top of Thomas. In the quiet that settled over them, Thomas closed his eyes and thought about their conversation. In the past, his lovers had been various heights, but they had all been the same in another way.
Thomas remembered his first boyfriend and how he always seemed to play the role of chauffeur for him. Driving him to work, driving him the store, driving him to all kinds of places, all without a simple “thank you” and never any kind gestures in return. Thomas’ second boyfriend wasn’t any better. He always insisted seeing movies that he wanted to see, going to the places he wanted to on dates, and only giving Thomas any time when it suited his schedule, without any regard to Thomas’ feelings. And Thomas had always been the big spoon. But with Jimmy, it was different; Jimmy was different. Every night when he got home, Jimmy always greeted him with a kiss and take-away, or Jimmy’s specialty- spaghetti- arranged on their card table in the kitchen. They would each ask about the other’s day and share stories that brought about laughter or groans of sympathy. Then afterword, as Thomas would wash the dishes, Jimmy would play piano, always throwing in a couple of Thomas’ favorite pieces. Then they would snuggle up on their sofa to watch Netflix, finding a show that they both liked.
Thomas smiled at his thoughts, his heart swelling a little in his chest. While he had been thinking, Thomas hadn’t noticed that Jimmy had sat back up again and was looking at him.
“What are you smiling about?” Jimmy asked, mirroring Thomas’ grin.
“I’ve never had anyone like you, Jimmy, and I’m so glad I do,” Thomas said affectionately.
Jimmy blushed and said, “Me too.” Thomas ran a hand through Jimmy’s soft and silky hair, chuckling to himself.
“You’ve always had a way with words, haven’t you, love?” Thomas asked teasingly.
“Thomaaassss, you know how I feel about you, stop making it awkward,” Jimmy mumbled into Thomas’ armpit, where he had just buried his face, but Thomas could hear Jimmy’s smile.
“I’m not making it awkward,” Thomas said with mock indignation, amused at Jimmy’s burrowing into him.
Jimmy just dug his nose harder into Thomas’ armpit.
“Stop it, that tickles,” Thomas said, trying to suppress a giggle and sound annoyed, but he failed at both.
“Good,” Jimmy said as he lifted his head and laid it on Thomas’ shoulder. He reached out and drew circles and swirls all over Thomas’ stomach with his fingers, hoping to elicit another laugh from Thomas. He loved when Thomas laughed. A moment passed before Jimmy said,
“You seem to be in a good mood now.”
“It’s all your fault,” Thomas said sweetly, reaching up to wrap a curly lock of Jimmy’s hair around his finger. Jimmy smiled, little wrinkles forming around his eyes.
“Go to sleep?” Jimmy asked.
“Yeah,” Thomas said with a yawn, closing his eyes.
“No, no, no,” Jimmy said, poking Thomas in his side, “roll over.”
“Why?” Thomas asked. Jimmy raised his eyebrows, the corner of his lip curling up. Without an answer, Thomas rolled over and Jimmy immediately pressed up against Thomas, throwing an arm and leg over him, and nuzzling into the back of his neck.
“Because I’m the big spoon.”