Chapter Text
It’s terrifying how Aelin’s memory fades in and out over the months. She tries to hold onto the people she knows… Rowanaedionlysandraelidedorianchaol…but the names slip out of her grasp and she’s a blank slate, memories gone. When they return and her mind is coherent for a fleeting moment, she clutches them to her heart, afraid they’ll disappear, afraid they’ll slip away like everything she loves. And they always do. Until one day they’re all gone and she doesn’t know who she is anymore.
She’s far away from her body, mind numb as Cairn leers at her, as Maeve watches and blood slips down her side… As flesh tears and bones crack. She never fights anymore. Starts to wait for death. She doesn’t know who she is. She is truly nameless, a girl held together by skin and bones and dust. And she wonders if there are people out there who care about this nameless girl, looking for her. It doesn’t matter. It’s too late. She was lost months ago, and nothing can put the pieces together.
There’s such emptiness inside her at times. There’s something missing inside of her. Someone missing. But no matter how hard she tries to remember what it is, who it is, nothing comes. At times, she feels like she is hollow and it makes her feel pain beyond what her captors could ever dream of.
And she dreams. Oh, such terrible nightmares she has. Of a cold body, maimed and unrecognisable, lying in a dark stone room. Of a king of darkness, swallowing her up until she ceases to exist. But sometimes… sometimes, the dreams are good. Strange, but good. Silver hair and green eyes, flickers of flame, a great white cat that pads along the ground. Sometimes, she dreams of a young girl, with blonde hair and blue eyes ringed with gold.
Waking is hard, but dreaming is harder. Dreaming makes the emptiness gape wider, makes her heart ache for something beyond words. Her mind starts to slip from the thin ice of sanity it is currently on, and she starts to fragment. Sometimes, she swears that she smells a hint of pine and snow. She doesn’t know why that makes tears stream from her eyes, tracking through the grime on her face.
It’s hard to feel anything now. She has lost track of time, doesn’t know what time is. Pain is a constant companion, tearing through her body until she screams, voice raw. No matter how dead she is inside, her body still feels pain.
The pain… she wishes that she could dissolve into a million stars, wishes that she could burn to ashes, wishes that she could do anything to escape this existence. She wouldn’t call it death, no, she’s already dead, and all that remains is to kill her body.
There is nothing worth living for. Not anymore.