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Late at night, Taehyung slipped into the bed where Jeongguk was lying.
“Hey”
Taehyung looked tenderly into Jeongguk’s sleepy eyes, smiling softly as he placed a kiss on the top of his head.
“I love you”
Taehyung kissed Jeongguk’s lips. Jeongguk didn’t move, didn’t breathe, didn’t answer.
Taehyung’s heart was hurting. He let out a sigh before he rolled to the other side of the bed.
“I’m sorry” Jeongguk said.
“Don’t be”
Taehyung ran his hand through his hair, and sighed loudly for the second time.
“Are you mad?” Jeongguk asked shyly.
“No, I’m not”
Taehyung replied shortly and emotionless. He would never get mad at Jeongguk, but he was getting tired. Tired of himself, tired of the situation. Tired that Jeongguk didn’t love him the way he did.
Jeongguk closed the gap between him and the older, as he hugged him from behind. His lips touched gently Taehyung’s neck, as he rested his face on Taehyung’s back, breathing in his skin, filling his nose with that smell of cheap strawberry soap.
At first, his body stiffened, but his heart raced unconsciously, and he hated that.
Taehyung entangled his fingers with Jeongguk’s. He knew what he was doing was going to tear him apart, but he couldn’t help it. He let himself to drown on the dreamland, where everything was the way he wanted to be. Where Jeongguk loved him.
Jeongguk was heading to the shelf when he side-eyed a very familiar silver hair walking next to him.
J-Jimin? Jeongguk froze in place. How could it be? Is that really Jimin?
“Jimin” Jeongguk whispered to himself.
His cheeks suddenly felt so warm as the blood reached them. But, what was doing Jimin at the library? He has never liked them. He said that it smelled weirdly and the people inside were weird as well. But he was wrong, the smell of books was oddly beautiful and the people were quiet and, sometimes, nice.
Jeongguk saw Jimin pacing out of there, and he ran after him –or he thought so.
He searched for Jimin everywhere out of the library, but he didn’t have any luck. He felt how the heat started to arise inside of his body. How dare Jimin to run from him like that?
He wanted to cry.
He is not going to forgive Jimin for this.
Please don’t leave me.
Taehyung was sitting on the bed, looking to the wall, lost in his thoughts. Jeongguk was almost asleep, and Taehyung turned his head to look at his shape under the sheets. He looked so pure in that state that it made Taehyung’s chest to feel warm. He then stroked gently Jeongguk’s head, taking some strands of silky hair between his fingers. Taehyung’s eyes reflected the moon, bright and white, just the way he felt about Jeongguk, and Jeongguk glowed under the moonlight, just as Taehyung thought he shined every day.
Jeongguk then moved his head in Taehyung’s direction, opening his sleepy eyes to look at him.
No one said anything. Just stared into each other eyes.
Taehyung caressed kindly Jeongguk’s cheek with his thumb, making circles in it. Jeongguk felt soft under the touch and closed his eyes.
“Do you love me?” Taehyung’s voice had a dreary tone.
Jeongguk sighed before answering.
“I don’t… I don’t know”
Taehyung’s heart stopped for a moment. “Do you think you would love me some day?” He asked quietly.
Jeongguk turned his head to the ceiling, and the other restrained his hand from his face, wandering about the question. He has never thought about that and, to be honest, he hasn’t thought about anything since a long time ago. His eyes were still closed, but Taehyung’s glance still could pass through his eyelids.
“Maybe I…”
“Do you still love Jimin?” Taehyung cut off Jeongguk’s answer, and his chest began to hurt. It hurt so much that he found so difficult to breathe.
Jeongguk was right there, next to him, but he felt so far away. He was there, yet his mind was somewhere else –with Jimin, to be exactly.
It numbed his heart to know that, and yet he couldn’t gave up on him.
“Y-yes, I think so” Jeongguk opened his eyes and they were teary. His eyes met Taehyung’s, and the tears started falling out.
Taehyung couldn’t bear seeing Jeongguk crying, so he took his cheeks between his hands and leaned closer to him.
“Don’t cry,” he placed a kiss on the top of his head. “Don’t cry,” he whispered into Jeongguk’s ear, softly, sweet, holding him lightly, as if Jeongguk could break into thousands of pieces.
He wiped Jeongguk’s tears with his thumbs, and his gaze was direct to Jeongguk’s orbs. Then, closing his eyes, his lips met Jeongguk’s in a sweet, loving kiss.
The tears didn’t stop pouring from the eyes of Jeongguk, so Taehyung kissed him harder enough to silence his sniffling. Taehyung slid his right hand behind the other’s neck, rubbing gently his nape.
Jeongguk opened his mouth, letting Taehyung’s tongue to explore his cave.
He felt loved, yet he couldn’t feel the same for the other.
His skin felt warm, yet his heart was so cold.
He wanted to love Taehyung as much as he did, yet Jimin never left his head.
Taehyung kissed his lips, his jaw, his neck. He went down to his chest, to his arms.
“I love you”
Taehyung whispered into Jeongguk’s skin every time he placed his lips on a different part of Jeongguk’s body. He took out his shirt, following Jeongguk’s shirt. He took in delight the way Jeongguk glowed under the moon, the way his eyes looked so tired yet so beautiful.
Taehyung loved Jeongguk so much that it ached deeply into his heart.
The contact skin to skin made Jeongguk to shiver. It was arousing. He felt on fire. The way Taehyung touched him was ungodly, the way Taehyung stared at him was unbearable; how he whimpered when Jeongguk stroke his length first gently, then harder until Taehyung screamed Jeongguk’s name, the way he moaned. Jeongguk loved seeing all of that, yet a part of him still wanted something else. Something he knew he couldn’t get back.
I love you.
Jeongguk wanted to say.
I love you.
He wanted to scream.
Jimin.
Every time it got to his mind.
At dawn, Jeongguk fell asleep with his head onto Taehyung’s bare chest, with his arms circling him. Their legs were tangled and their hair was messy. Taehyung had an arm around the younger’s back.
He glanced, for the second time, the shape of Jeongguk’s sleeping above him. He wanted to cry, but tears weren’t coming out. He ran out of them, he was dry inside. He wanted to scream, to run, to go anywhere else, but he couldn’t leave Jeongguk, even if he knew he still loved Jimin. A part of Taehyung still had hope, and the other just wanted to give up everything. He embraced Jeongguk tightly, as if he didn’t do it, he would vanish from his side.
Taehyung was coming back from work, when he felt something in his gut.
Jeongguk.
He opened the front door, only to be greeted by darkness. Lighting the room, he sought through every corner, trying to find any clue if Jeongguk has done something to himself. Without success, he walked to the bedroom. The sound of the water running out of the shower caught his attention, so he headed to the bathroom, only to find a drunk Jeongguk sitting inside of it with all of his clothes on.
Taehyung approached warily the younger one, stepping into the shower without caring if he was still dressed. He even didn’t took off his shoes.
The water was so cold. It has been so cold since Jeongguk turned the shower on, so he couldn’t feel nothing. He wanted it that way.
Taehyung sat beside Jeongguk, swiveling the nozzle into a warmer temperature.
Jeongguk saw him through the running water. His head was still spinning and his vision was blurry.
Once the water was warmer than before, Jeongguk felt less numb.
But the wound on his heart still hurt.
When Taehyung got closer to him and took him into his arms, he started crying.
“I’m sorry”
His words were slurred.
“Forgive me”
His breaths were quivering and his voice was weak. He held Taehyung’s collar with all of his strength, trying not to drown into darkness. Taehyung tightened his arms around Jeongguk.
If I could only get fixed.
“I don’t deserve you”
Jeongguk wanted to throw his heart apart. He wanted to feel nothing, but he felt so much. Just not for the one next to him.
I'd actually be quite beautiful.
Taehyung kissed the top of his head.
“I love Jimin”
“I know”
He felt as if the oxygen wasn’t enough to him to breath. He felt as if his heart was bleeding out. He wished it was that way.
Please breathe with me.
When Taehyung woke up in a chill morning, Jeongguk was still sleeping. The sun was hiding behind gloomy clouds, and the wind was running strongly through the city. He leaned over Jeongguk, letting Jeongguk’s smell to fill his nostrils as he kissed the top of the sleepy-boy’s head.
He dressed up with black, ripped jeans, a deep blue sweater and a pair of boots. Taking his coat and a gold cigarette case, he went to the door silently, trying not to wake up Jeongguk. He glanced over Jeongguk for the last time before he left the room, shutting the door behind him.
Once he was out, he took one cigarette out of the gold case. He lit the cigarette and started to smoke it. He felt relaxed each time he inhaled from the filter, and the air became thick each time he puffed the smoke out of his mouth.
He walked through the streets of the city, entering a flower shop to buy a bouquet of yellow roses. He keep walking until he reached a large, green place. Scooting closer, passing through a bunch of trees and few people, he searched for the fourth hall, and he found what he was looking for.
In memory of Park Jimin.
How long has it been? Taehyung didn’t know. It was the first time since Jimin passed away that he visited Jimin’s grave.
He watched soullessly the plaque. The wind became a breeze, and it brushed delicately Taehyung’s face. It felt so refreshing but so melancholic at the same time. Memories of Jimin and him together flooded inside his head, and his body started to numb, his chest began to ache, his heart feeling heavier by the time.
He bent over, placing the bouquet in front of the grave. He tightened the grip on the flowers, and put his head on the ground. His head was spinning. He felt dizzy, and his vision started to fog. He shut his eyes strongly, trying to keep the tears inside of them.
But he couldn’t.
He lost it as he started to cry sorrowfully.
“I’m sorry”
His voice was like a whisper.
“I’m so fucking sorry”
The guilt was eating him from inside. He felt like he could’ve saved Jimin from Yoongi’s hand, yet he didn’t do it. He felt like he forsook Jimin to a monster.
“I miss you”
He cried until the air was out of his lungs. He cried until his face became numb.
Jimin was like a brother to him. Before Yoongi, he meant a lot to Taehyung -even if he already loved Jeongguk, he knew that Jimin and Jeongguk loved each other. That was fine. But Jimin had to broke Jeongguk’s heart, and Taehyung couldn’t forgive that.
Yet, he was still his best friend.
It ached deep to the bones.
I miss you,
The tears never stopped pouring out of his eyes.
but even if I do,
Taehyung stood up and glanced once again the grave.
I’m going to do what I need to erase your love from Jeongguk’s heart.
Taehyung left without looking back.
Another night in the bar, and Jeongguk could only think on drinking more. That way, for a moment, he could forget about everything and the world seemed better.
But, again, he saw Jimin. Right in front of him. That bastard.
Jeongguk looked right inside Jimin’s brown eyes, and he knew that Jimin saw him as well.
He speeded in Jimin’s direction, just as the other ran out of the bar. Jeongguk ran as well after him.
“Don’t fucking run Jimin!” Jeongguk shouted angrily towards Jimin. But it was just the alcohol in his veins.
They were outside the bar, on a street with dim light and zero people. Just them, alone in a dark corner. It was the perfect place to face Jimin, without the older running out.
“Why do you run from me?” Jeongguk stared sternly to Jimin. Jimin didn’t answer.
“Why?!” Jeongguk tried again. Jimin paced back with each step Jeongguk came closer. Jeongguk reached his hand as if trying to touch Jimin, but he failed.
“I’m here because of you” Jimin finally spoke, his voice was low and tired. “I’m stuck here because of you”. Jimin swallowed hard, trying to held back the tears.
“Stop calling for me. Stop thinking about me. Stop it, please”
Truthfully, that wasn’t what Jeongguk wanted to hear. Honestly, Jeongguk didn’t understand nothing. And, like a cold bucket of water, the words dug inside his mind.
“What?” That was all Jeongguk could say. The world was spinning and what he had just heard didn’t help to his confusion.
“Please, Jeongguk”
A tear rolled down the cheek of Jimin.
“Please”
Jeongguk surely didn’t follow Jimin’s pleas, and he kept searching for him after that day.
He really never listened to Jimin.
“Please leave Jeongguk” That is what Jimin would say to Jeongguk every time.
“I don’t want to”
And Jimin would groan under his breath, knowing that Jeongguk wasn’t going to listen to him.
“I have to leave. I need to leave. I can’t be here forever”
Jimin wanted to be there of course, but that meant more pain and he was just so fucking tired.
“But I love you” That was the final answer Jeongguk gave to everything.
“I think I saw Jimin”
Jeongguk was afraid to say that but he did it nonetheless. His voice came out almost like a whisper, and he couldn’t face Taehyung.
“You what?”
Taehyung asked in disbelief.
“You… You heard me. I think I saw Jimin”
Jeongguk turned back to gaze Taehyung.
“Stop that, Jeongguk” Taehyung pursed his lips and his eyes were showing the faintest signal of despair, “Don’t say that again”
“I swear! I saw him” Jeongguk raised his voice. He was sure he saw Jimin, it wasn’t just his imagination.
“Jeongguk, please, don’t start this again. I’m tired” Taehyung walked towards his room, wanting to get some rest. The day hasn’t been the greatest and honestly, hearing about Jimin wasn’t his option to end the day.
“Start what?! I’m telling you, he’s not dead!” Jeongguk followed Taehyung closely.
“Shut up” Taehyung mumbled and stopped abruptly, causing that Jeongguk bumped into his back.
“Believe me, I swear to you…”
“I said stop it!”
Taehyung threw his fist into Jeongguk’s mouth, hitting him with such strength that caused pain in all of Jeongguk's jaw, the blood immediately flooding out of his lips.
“I can’t with this anymore,” Taehyung’s voice broke with each word “I just can’t”. His chest constricted against his heart, and reality crushed his hope that Jeongguk, one day, would love him the same way Taehyung loved Jeongguk, but things weren’t the way he wanted. Jimin was gone, and he still was making Jeongguk’s life so miserable, hence, Taehyung’s life too.
Taehyung didn’t hate Jimin. He was just… Disappointed, and mad. Mad because he knew he could’ve done something more to save Jimin from Yoongi’s claws, mad because he knew Jeongguk loved Jimin but he still fell stupidly in love with him and because he knew that Jimin’s ghost was going to last forever upon his relationship with Jeongguk, no matter what he did.
“Get out”
Taehyung demanded but Jeongguk didn’t move.
“Leave now!”
Taehyung screamed, tears soaking his red face. The room felt so small with both standing there, so Taehyung found so difficult to even breathe.
After a million of painful heartbeats, Jeongguk left.
“Taehyung left me” Jeongguk’s voice was monotone as the words rolled through his tongue, “If you can call it like that to the fact that he kicked me off from our apartment”
Jimin didn’t answer and only his breath could be heard. It was heavy and unsteady, as if he was holding something back.
“I’m tired, Jeongguk”
Jimin was on the verge of tears. “I’m so tired”
He looked into Jeongguk’s eyes, teardrops leaving his red eyes as he painfully tried to hold them.
“I don’t understand”
Nevertheless, Jeongguk did understand, he just didn’t want to accept it. He wasn’t ready. He would never be ready. Jimin turned his head to see the last stray of light from the sky, before the sun was completely hide behind the city skyline.
“Let me go”
Never
“No”
“Please”
“I can’t” Jeongguk’s vision started to blur, hot tears began to drop as his heart wanted to stop beating, “I love you, Jimin”
“It hurts so much, Jeongguk”
Jeongguk’s mind was going crazy
“It hurts”
The stairs were the most difficult to go through with the alcohol running in his veins, the consequences of it starting to arise. His coordination getting worse with each step he made and he thought he would fall as the dizziness took over his head. Everything felt so wrong. He really shouldn’t be there but he didn’t have other place where to be. He wished he wasn’t drunk, but he was. He wished he could love Taehyung as much as he does, but he couldn’t, no when Jimin was still there, in his mind, in his breath, in everything he did. It wasn’t fair for Taehyung, but neither to Jeongguk.
Finally, reaching the door to Taehyung’s apartment, he knocked the door. First, softly.
“Taehyung”
No answer.
“Taehyung!”
His words were so slurred that it was difficult to tell what he was saying.
“Open the fucking door I know you’re there!”
Jeongguk was almost screaming, pleading for Taehyung to open the door but never happened. He kept banging the door with his fists, until he felt so tired that his legs gave away, falling to the floor, and he rested his head on the doorframe, tears getting out of his eyes, soaking his face and landing on the floor.
He wished Taehyung was there.
The rose-pink light of dawn started to fill the corners of the hall, landing on the features of Jeongguk’s sleepy face. Jeongguk opened his eyes, only to be greeted by loneliness. His head stung so much that it made him dizzy, so he shut his eyes down hurriedly.
In the distance, footsteps could be heard, and a silhouette appeared through the stairs.
“Jeongguk?”
That voice. He missed it even if it was only days without hearing it.
“What are you doing here?”
It felt awkward, it felt wrong, but Jeongguk wanted to be there, with him.
Just to be with you.
Jeongguk tried to get up, but he failed, hitting his knees against the floor. Taehyung only looked at him, thinking whether he should help him or kick him out of there.
He chose the first thing.
It was Jeongguk after all. He couldn’t let him go.
With great force and a lot of struggling, Taehyung helped Jeongguk to get up and walk inside the apartment, the smell of alcohol sinking inside Taehyung’s nostrils.
Jeongguk sat down on the bed, looking devastated, with red eyes, dirty clothes stinking for the alcohol and some others unknown substances. But still, to Taehyung’s eyes he was beautiful.
Taehyung changed the clothes of Jeongguk. Tugging at the hem of Jeongguk’s shirt, he rolled it up to leave Jeongguk’s bare chest. He reached to touch the younger’s torso. So warm.
Taehyung missed it.
He missed Jeongguk so fucking much.
Jeongguk locked his gaze onto Taehyung’s brown eyes. They looked into each other’s eyes for ages.
The person I want to be is a person that you need.
Taehyung kissed Jeongguk. And Jeongguk kissed him back.
Taehyung knew what they were doing was going only to hurt him, but he couldn’t help it.
Taehyung licked every part of Jeongguk. He explored every corner of Jeongguk’s body, not leaving any spot uncovered.
Jeongguk felt as if fire was set inside of his body.
As if fireworks exploded inside his stomach.
Never let me go.
The last thing before passing out he remembered was Taehyung’s lovely eyes looking directly at him.
“You’re beautiful”
Jeongguk blushed.
“I love you”
Taehyung placed a kiss on Jeongguk’s forehead, before the younger knocked out.
“It’s my time to go” Jimin’s eyes gleamed with tears.
“No, please, no” Jeongguk pleaded.
“I know you’re going to be fine” Jimin tried to smile, but he couldn’t. His lips quivered and his hands were shaking. “Taehyung is going to take care of you” Jimin grabbed Jeongguk’s cheek. “I know”
Jeongguk leaned in the touch of Jimin’s hand against his face.
“Stay” Jeongguk closed his eyes.
Jimin held Jeongguk’s hand.
“I can’t”
Jimin leaned closer to Jeongguk and softly kissed his lips.
“You were the one for me” Jimin whispered into Jeongguk’s ear. “You were the one I loved the most”
Jimin’s soul was burning. “Always remember that”
Jimin’s shape started to fade out.
Jeongguk tried to hold him tighter. It wasn’t worth it. Jimin was fading and Jeongguk couldn’t do anything.
“I love you”
Jeongguk’s heart stopped beating
“I love you too”
Jeongguk opened his eyes, frightened. He stood up quickly to look at his surroundings. His heart was beating loud and fast inside his ribcage. It throbbed so hard against his chest. He was sweating cold and his hands were shaking.
He then looked at Taehyung, peacefully sleeping beside him, knowing that he would never be Jimin.